Dr Margaretha Montagu – described as a “game changer”, “gifted healer”, “guiding light” and “life-enriching author” – is a certified transformational retreat leader who guides her clients towards their most meaningful and fulfilling lives, particularly when navigating life transitions – virtually, or with the assistance of her Friesian Horses, at their home in the southwest of France.
Relax, Rejuvenate, and Rediscover Yourself at a Sanctuary in the foothills of the Pyrenées Mountains
A retreat should be a refuge: somewhere you can escape to, a place where you feel safe, seen and heard.
I mentioned that I run old-fashioned retreats that first and foremost offer my guests a safe haven where they can thoroughly relax, rest and fully recharge their batteries.
But what is a safe haven?
My definition of a safe haven is my grandmother’s kitchen. In the blink of an eye, I can imagine myself back there, sitting at the rough kitchen table, my feet dangling in the air as my legs are too short to reach the floor. The whole room is saturated with the smell of baking bread, and my mouth is watering in anticipation of the thick slice of steaming hot bread, drenched in homemade butter, that my grandmother will soon put in front of me. While I wait, my legs swinging back and forth impatiently, I stare in fascination at the huge variety of herbs drying on hooks on the 300-year-old oak beams, humming absentmindedly along with Maurice Chevalier on the radio, as he sings about bicycling down the deserted country roads. Finally, my grandmother gets up from the table where she has been shelling peas from her potager, to check the bread. I hold my breath, is it ready yet?
For my guests, I have tried to create a similar experience here on my little farm, in deepest rural France. The setting is an ancient half-timbered farmhouse, renovated as authentically as possible, rustic but comfortable, surrounded by woods, sunflower fields, vineyards and lush meadows, where my horses are grazing peacefully. The breeze here carries the perfume of a thousand wildflowers, and birds serenade my visitors from dawn to dusk, through the night even, if you count in the wooing owl couple. Talking about the night, here you can lie in a sunlounger, -or should that be a moonlounger? – and breathlessly take in the millions of stars that fill the night sky, as there is barely any light pollution here.
Here you can sleep for hours, and most of my guests do. They often sleep 10-12 hours on the first night, some sleep 10 hours every single night they are at Esprit Meraki, which means, loosely translated from the Greek, « made with love. »
A safe haven, a refuge, created with love.
Uninterrupted sleep, safeguarded from the sudden nerve-wracking blast of an alarm clock, just when you are sleeping at your deepest can do wonders for your general wellbeing. I usually suggest that my guests switch their phones to aeroplane mode and sleep until they wake up naturally, whether it’s 10, 11 or 12 o’clock. Many of my guests haven’t dared to do that for years.
Soon, feeling safe and supported, my guests break free from the suffocating stress that threatens their physical and mental health – it dissolves like the morning mist at sunrise. Breathing sparkling fresh air brings a healthy flush to everyone’s cheeks and simple rituals like strolling up to the potager to pick some sun-warmed tomatoes for the evening’s salad – and eating as many straight again straight off the plants – become a pilgrimage back to a simpler, slower, stress-free way of living, a lifestyle wholeheartedly indulged in here in the unspoilt and largely unexplored southwest of France.
I feel it is crucially important that retreat guests have enough time, at the beginning of a retreat, to leave their troubles behind and disconnect from their often demanding personal and professional lives, before the retreat program starts in earnest. If they want to spend the whole time they are here reading a book in the shade of the gnarled-with-age lime trees, sipping fruit juice or homemade herbal tea, and listening to the horses grazing peacefully close by, that is fine too.
Finding a safe place to rest and recharge your batteries can be transformative too.
Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time. – John Lubbock
Frequently Asked Questions about Retreats as Sanctuaries
1. What exactly do you mean by a “safe haven”?
A safe haven is a place where you can completely let your guard down—somewhere you feel safe, seen, and heard. For me, the definition of a safe haven is my grandmother’s kitchen: sitting at that rough kitchen table with my feet dangling, surrounded by the smell of baking bread, watching herbs dry on 300-year-old oak beams, and knowing that thick slices of steaming hot bread drenched in homemade butter were coming. It was a place saturated with love, comfort, and the simple rhythms of life. At Esprit Meraki, I’ve tried to recreate that same feeling—a refuge where stress dissolves like morning mist at sunrise, where you’re protected from the demands of the outside world, and where you can reconnect with the person you are beneath all the pressure and expectations.
2. Why is a safe haven so important for a retreat?
A retreat should be a refuge first and foremost—not just another place with a packed schedule and obligations. When you’re running on empty from demanding personal and professional lives, what you need most is sanctuary. A safe haven provides the essential foundation for genuine rest and transformation. It’s only when you feel truly safe and supported that the suffocating stress threatening your physical and mental health can begin to dissolve. Without this sense of safety, you remain in a state of vigilance, unable to access the deep rest your body and mind desperately need. I feel it is crucially important that guests have enough time at the beginning to leave their troubles behind and disconnect before any formal program starts. Some guests need the entire retreat just to rest, and that’s perfectly valid—finding a safe place to rest and recharge can be transformative too.
3. How does the physical environment create a sense of safety?
The setting itself is designed to wrap you in comfort and security. The ancient half-timbered farmhouse, renovated as authentically as possible, offers rustic warmth rather than sterile perfection. You’re surrounded by woods, sunflower fields, vineyards, and lush meadows where horses graze peacefully—nature’s own reassurance that life can move at a gentler pace. The breeze carries the perfume of a thousand wildflowers, birds serenade you from dawn to dusk, and at night, an owl couple woos under millions of stars visible in skies free from light pollution. These aren’t just pretty amenities—they’re deliberate elements that signal to your nervous system: you are safe here. You can breathe. You can let go. The whole environment invites you back to a simpler, slower, stress-free way of living that your body remembers and craves.
4. What does it mean to feel “seen and heard” at the retreat?
Being seen and heard means your needs, your pace, and your experience are honoured without judgment. If you need to sleep 10-12 hours on the first night (as most guests do), that’s celebrated, not questioned. If you want to sleep 10 hours every single night you’re here, that’s supported. If you need to spend the whole time reading under the gnarled-with-age lime trees, sipping fruit juice or homemade herbal tea while listening to horses graze, that’s fine too. There’s no pressure to be “productive” or to participate in activities if rest is what you need. After over a decade of leading retreats, I’ve learned that each person’s path to restoration is unique. A safe haven means having the freedom to follow your own rhythm and knowing that whatever you need is valid. Rest is not idleness, and sometimes lying on the grass under trees, listening to water murmur or watching clouds float across the sky, is exactly the medicine you need.
5. How does sleep factor into creating a safe haven?
Uninterrupted sleep, safeguarded from the sudden nerve-wracking blast of an alarm clock just when you’re sleeping at your deepest, can do wonders for your general well-being. In a safe haven, sleep is sacred and protected. I usually suggest that guests switch their phones to aeroplane mode and sleep until they wake up naturally, whether it’s 10, 11, or 12 o’clock. Many of my guests haven’t dared to do that for years—they’ve forgotten what it feels like to wake when their body is truly ready. This simple act of trusting your body’s need for rest, without guilt or anxiety about the time, is often the first step in breaking free from the chronic stress that has been suffocating you. When you’re in a truly safe space, your body finally feels permission to access the deep, restorative sleep it has been desperately craving.
6. What role do simple rituals play in creating safety?
Simple rituals ground you in the present moment and reconnect you with basic, nourishing aspects of life that stress often strips away. At Esprit Meraki, rituals like strolling up to the potager to pick sun-warmed tomatoes for the evening’s salad—and eating as many straight off the plants as you like—become a pilgrimage back to authenticity. These aren’t Instagram moments or wellness trends; they’re genuine reconnections with the rhythms of life that make us feel human and whole. When you sit at a table where someone has been shelling peas from the garden, when you smell bread baking and know it will soon be yours with homemade butter, when you hear Maurice Chevalier on the radio singing about bicycling down deserted country roads—these sensory experiences create safety through familiarity, comfort, and love. They remind you that life doesn’t have to be complicated to be rich and fulfilling.
7. Why do you emphasise “old-fashioned” retreats?
I run old-fashioned retreats because modern life has over-complicated what should be simple: rest, safety, and restoration. An old-fashioned retreat prioritises being a refuge above all else, rather than being another item on your to-do list or another performance to manage. It’s inspired by the timeless wisdom that rest is not idleness and that sometimes the most transformative thing you can do is simply be—lying on grass under trees, listening to nature, breathing clean air. Old-fashioned means valuing presence over productivity, depth over busyness, and genuine human connection over curated experiences. It means creating the atmosphere of my grandmother’s kitchen—that place where time moved differently, where you were unconditionally welcomed, where love was expressed through simple care. In our hyper-connected, always-on world, this kind of sanctuary has become revolutionary rather than traditional.
8. How soon do guests typically feel safe enough to truly relax?
Everyone’s timeline is different, which is why the beginning of the retreat is deliberately unstructured. Some guests begin to feel their shoulders drop and their breath deepen within the first few hours of arriving and breathing the sparkling fresh air. Others need several days before they can truly disconnect from the demanding lives they’ve left behind. I’ve learned that it’s crucially important to give guests enough time to leave their troubles behind before any formal program starts. Feeling safe and supported, guests gradually break free from the suffocating stress—it doesn’t happen on command or on schedule. The retreat is designed to hold space for however long it takes. The environment itself does much of the work: the peaceful grazing horses, the healthy flush that comes to cheeks from fresh country air, the birdsong, the stars, the absence of alarm clocks. These elements conspire to help your nervous system finally believe: you are safe here. You can let go.
9. What if I feel guilty about taking so much time out?
That guilt is precisely why you need a safe haven. Many of my guests haven’t dared to sleep until they wake naturally for years. They’ve internalised messages that rest is laziness, that productivity equals worth, and that they must constantly justify their existence through doing. A safe haven provides permission—and sometimes that external permission is what we need before we can grant it to ourselves. As John Lubbock wrote, “Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under trees on a summer’s day, listening to the murmur of the water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time.” At Esprit Meraki, this isn’t just a pretty quote—it’s a lived philosophy. When you see that resting is honoured here, when you’re surrounded by others who are also giving themselves permission, when you’re held in an environment that celebrates rather than judges your need for restoration, that guilt begins to loosen its grip. You start to remember that you are a human being, not a human doing.
10. How is this different from just taking a vacation?
A vacation often still operates within the framework of productivity—seeing sights, checking off experiences, justifying the expense through how much you packed in. Many people return from vacations feeling they need a vacation to recover from their vacation. A safe haven retreat is fundamentally different because it centres rest and safety rather than activity and achievement. It’s not about what you do; it’s about how deeply you can allow yourself to simply be. The whole environment—from the ancient farmhouse made with love to the invitation to pick tomatoes to the protection of your sleep—is designed to help you break free from the patterns that have been threatening your physical and mental health. Finding a safe place to rest and recharge your batteries can be transformative too, often more so than any amount of sightseeing or adventure. This is about returning to yourself, not escaping yourself. It’s about remembering who you are beneath all the stress and demands, in a place where you feel genuinely safe, seen, and heard.
In addition to the Camino de Santiago retreats that I host at my little French farm southwest of Bordeaux, I have also created 7 online courses, ex.The Purpose Protocols, The Roadmap to Resilience – from Burnout to Brilliance Protocol and The Change Careers without Starting from Scratch – each course is available with or without one-to-one support. To stay in contact, I invite you to subscribe to my newsletter, you’ll get immediate access to my free life crisis quiz.
An old-fashioned retreat is one with a rustic charm reminiscent of a bygone era, where guests can escape the modern world’s fast pace and engage in traditional activities like nature walks, storytelling, journaling, bread-making etc. Meals are homemade from scratch using traditional recipes and locally sourced ingredients. The retreat emphasises slow, simple living, while being present in the moment, combined with plenty of outdoor activities like hiking, wild swimming, forest bathing or stargazing to connect guests with the natural world.
Like Leonardo da Vinci, I believe that “Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.”
These days, most retreats are bright, sparkling jewels in exclusive, exotic settings, often with a price tag to match. Nearly all retreats promise some or other sort of personal growth transformation, either emotional healing, spiritual awakening, increased physical fitness, stress reduction, relationship enhancement, leadership development, improved communication skills etc.
Groups are huge, ten to thirty people per retreat, and the retreat programs are busy. Accommodation is luxurious, meals are cooked by chefs hired for the purpose, catering for every possible diet, swag bags compete fervently for originality, excursions are plentiful, and additional options are varied.
My retreats are none of these things.
My retreats are like a soft, woollen, well-worn cardigan that you snuggle into every winter, that you wear year after year, just because it feels so wonderful against your skin, keeps you warm and carries so many happy memories. Just slipping it onto your shoulders makes you feel less stressed, it’s the first thing you reach for when you get home after a long day’s work.
Working as a medical doctor taught me that stress is either the cause or a contributory factor to a large number of dangerous physical and mental diseases, so during my retreats, I make sure my guests have ample time just to be…and breathe.
This has remained the primary focus of my retreats for more than a decade: to let my guests rest, relax, recharge their batteries, and…
Reconnect with Nature.
“I firmly believe that nature brings solace in all troubles.” – Anne Frank
Reconnecting with Nature is a powerful stress management strategy. Spending time in Nature can lower your cortisol levels and increase your serotonin levels, making you feel calmer and more content. It can also help you to sleep better, boost your immunity, your creativity (your problem-solving skills), and improve your cognitive function (including your memory.)
During a Camino de Santiago Crossroads retreat, here is the sun-blessed and largely unspoilt southwest of France, you will have the opportunity to reconnect to Nature, guided by a small herd of Friesians and Falabella horses. Horses thrive in a natural environment, and spending time with horses enables us to immerse ourselves in Nature, surrounded by the sights, sounds, and smells of the outdoors, helping us feel more grounded and present in the moment, allowing us to let go of distractions and fully engage with our surroundings.
Year after year, my retreat “regulars” return to get their “nature fix” with bags full of carrots, for the horses, who recognise and welcome them with soft whinnies as they rush to the paddock the moment they arrive at Esprit Meraki.
Maybe it’s time to escape the hustle and bustle of daily life, immerse yourself in the serenity of nature and to find solace in its breathtaking beauty? To nourish your mind, body, and soul at an Camino de Santiago Crossroads Retreat?
Because simplicity is not about deprivation. It’s about a greater appreciation for things that really matter.
Replies to this post:
I was so happy to receive your newsletter.As I read it, I thought, “Yes! A soft, woollen, well-worn cardigan!” It seems to me, too, that we need more of this in life.
Personally, I am turned off by the brighter, fancier, shinier “retreats” on offer. It is not what I’m looking for and somehow seems to muddle the idea of “retreat” with “five-star luxury break.” The two are not the same, and, generally, it shows. In fact, many seem to be in opposition to the “slow-down connection” that many of us crave, and the high price-tags are certainly restrictive.
Fortunately, there is room for everyone in this sphere: People who want the exotic, luxurious, gourmet, entertained experience can have that; those of us who want quiet, time, space, nature, breathing and fresh food can have that.
Honestly, though, everything about your retreats looks marvellous. I haven’t been in a position to attend one yet, but I look forward to doing so. From what I read in your blogs, they offer the kind of luxury I value. Robyn
I have thought about you often since staying with you last year. I will say, I personally did not expect to find such a serene and relaxing retreat, even though it was advertised as all of those things, I expected groups of people, organised ‘fun’, queuing for bathrooms and noise at nighttime.
I experienced the opposite and more. It was a quiet retreat with just myself and the lovely Carmella, and I still think about the camino walks, your AMAZING food, our chats not to mention just enjoying the surroundings. To feel at home in a stranger’s home is testament to what a fantastic host you are and the thought you put into everything. I did not think at any point that I had paid too much for the experience.
It may be that the social-media generation we have now are looking for all of those ‘sparkly’ things you have mentioned to experience and to advertise. But authenticity is priceless, and I believe that’s what you have and what you are. I know that I would love to visit again and also do the full Camino, maybe next year. Sarah
In addition to the Camino de Santiago retreats that I host at my little French farm southwest of Bordeaux, I have also created 7 online courses, ex.The Purpose Protocols, The Roadmap to Resilience – from Burnout to Brilliance Protocol and The Change Careers without Starting from Scratch – each course is available with or without one-to-one support. To stay in contact, I invite you to subscribe to my newsletter, you’ll get immediate access to my free life crisis quiz.
How Private Retreats Can Revolutionise Your Well-being
I have been hosting small group Camino de Santiago hiking retreats for more than a decade, here at my house in the southwest of France. Last week, I came across this post in a group: “Would you go on a private wellness retreat?”
The response was such an overwhelming “Yes!” that I started wondering why so many people are interested in attending a retreat on their own. Would I want to attend a solo (private) retreat?
I can see the attraction of a tailor-made private retreat: escaping from the ever more urgent demands and digital overwhelm of everyday life, spending a few days on my own, focusing on my own needs, taking activities at my own pace and in my own time, with one-on-one attention from the retreat leader…the idea has a certain appeal.
Are YOU thinking about running away from your life for a few days? Before you do something rash like moving to Bali or joining a circus, consider this then: a private retreat could be the answer you’re looking for. In this article, I explore why booking yourself into solitude, especially during major life transitions, isn’t selfish or indulgent, it’s possibly the most sensible thing you’ll do all year. We’ll look at what makes private retreats different from group experiences, why they’re particularly powerful during crossroads moments, and how stepping away might be the only way to truly step forward. Fair warning: contains one woman’s hilariously disastrous attempt at finding herself, practical wisdom, and zero judgment about where you are right now.
Five Key Takeaways
Private retreats offer bespoke transformation: Unlike group retreats where you’re part of the chorus, a private retreat lets you be the soloist, addressing your specific challenges without having to navigate other people’s emotional baggage alongside your own.
Solitude isn’t loneliness: Being alone in a supportive environment creates space for the kind of honest conversation with yourself that’s impossible when you’re performing your life for an audience, even a well-meaning one.
Major life transitions require dedicated processing time: Whether you’re recovering from burnout, grieving a loss, or standing at a crossroads, a private retreat provides the safe container you need to fall apart and reassemble yourself without witnesses.
Nature and stillness are underrated healing tools: When you strip away digital noise, social obligations, and the constant need to be “on,” your nervous system can finally exhale and your intuition can finally be heard.
Investing in yourself isn’t selfish: Taking time away to reconnect with who you are and what you truly want isn’t abandoning your responsibilities, it’s ensuring you’ll have something left to give when you return.
Introduction: The Permission Slip You’ve Been Waiting For
Here’s something nobody tells you about major life changes: they don’t come with an instruction manual, a helpline, or even a sympathetic customer service representative. One day you’re navigating your normal life, and the next you’re standing in the middle of emotional rubble wondering how you got here and where “here” even is.
Maybe your career imploded. Perhaps a relationship ended or transformed beyond recognition. You might be caring for aging parents whilst simultaneously launching teenagers into the world, feeling like a human wishbone pulled in opposite directions. Or maybe everything looks fine from the outside, but inside you’re running on fumes, held together by coffee and the sheer determination not to let anyone see you’re actually drowning in overwhelm.
The world has opinions about how you should handle these moments. “Stay busy!” they chirp. “Throw yourself into work!” “Get back out there!” “You’ve got this!” Well-meaning friends serve up platitudes like they’re handing out life preservers, but what you actually need is something entirely different: space. Time. Silence. A chance to hear yourself think without the Greek chorus of other people’s expectations drowning out your own voice.
That’s where a private retreat enters the story.
Not as an escape (though it can feel gloriously like one), but as a homecoming. A chance to remember who you are beneath all the roles you play and the masks you wear. Private retreats aren’t about running away from your life, they’re about running towards yourself, often for the first time in years.
In a world that glorifies constant connection and productivity, choosing solitude feels revolutionary. It is. Because the truth nobody wants to admit is this: sometimes the bravest thing you can do is stop. Stop performing, stop achieving, stop pretending you’re fine. Just… stop. And in that stopping, in that sacred pause, you might discover that the person you’ve been searching for, the answer you’ve been seeking, has been waiting patiently inside you all along.
The Story of Eleanor’s Magnificent Unravelling
Eleanor arrived at the farmhouse on a Tuesday afternoon in late September with three matching suitcases, a colour-coded itinerary, and an Excel spreadsheet titled “Operation Find Myself.” She was 47, recently made redundant from a job that had consumed her for two decades, and absolutely convinced that five days of structured self-discovery would solve everything.
The gravel crunched under her sensible walking shoes as she stepped out of the rental car, already mentally ticking off the first item on her to-do list: Arrive at retreat. Check. She’d read all the materials, researched mindfulness techniques, downloaded seven meditation apps, and packed three self-help books she fully intended to finish. Eleanor approached finding herself with the same methodical efficiency she’d brought to managing product launches and quarterly reports.
What she hadn’t planned for was Belle.
Belle, the enormous black Friesian mare, was standing by the fence as Eleanor hauled her perfectly organised luggage towards the house. The horse lifted her head, fixed Eleanor with eyes that seemed to see straight through the carefully constructed facade, and did something that stopped Eleanor mid-stride: she whinnied, soft and low, a sound that somehow contained both greeting and question.
Eleanor, who’d been holding her breath for approximately six months without realising it, exhaled.
The first 24 hours unfolded exactly as Eleanor had planned. She rose at 6:30, completed her morning pages, attended the guided meditation in the meadow (where she mentally drafted a memo about improving the session structure), went for her scheduled walk on the Camino path, and even managed to eat mindfully, though her brain kept trying to schedule her bites. By day two, her jaw ached from clenching, her shoulders had formed a permanent shrug, and she’d rewritten her reflection journal twice to make it neater.
Then came Wednesday afternoon.
The storytelling circle that evening was optional, but of course Eleanor attended, she wasn’t someone who skipped optional activities. Sitting on cushions around the fire pit, with two other solo retreatants and the retreat host, they were invited to share a story about a moment of transition. Eleanor, who could deliver presentations to boardrooms of fifty without breaking a sweat, found herself completely stuck.
“I don’t really have a story,” she said, picking at the fringe of her cushion. “I mean, I got made redundant. That’s not a story, that’s just… a thing that happened.”
The host, a woman with gentle eyes and an unsettling ability to wait through uncomfortable silences, simply nodded. “Sometimes the things that ‘just happen’ are where our biggest stories begin.”
That night, Eleanor couldn’t sleep. She lay in the brass bed in her room overlooking the sunflower fields, listening to the wind whisper through the trees, and felt something crack open in her chest. Not break, exactly. More like split, the way seeds split before they sprout.
Thursday morning, she abandoned her schedule entirely. Instead of her planned walk, she found herself back at the fence where Belle grazed. The mare approached, and Eleanor, who hadn’t cried in front of anyone since 1997, pressed her forehead against Belle’s warm neck and sobbed. Proper, ugly, hiccupping sobs that shook her entire body and scared two chickens in the adjacent field.
She cried for the job she’d lost, yes, but more for the life she’d never lived. For the novel she’d never written because reports and proposals took precedence. For the relationship that ended because she was always at the office. For the twenty years she’d spent becoming excellent at something that turned out to be entirely replaceable. For the daughter she was, who’d learned that love meant achieving and producing and never, ever being inconvenient.
Belle stood perfectly still, steady as a mountain, breathing her grassy breath while Eleanor fell apart. The horse’s warmth seeped through Eleanor’s cardigan, and the rhythmic rise and fall of Belle’s breathing gradually synced with her own. When Eleanor finally lifted her head, eyes swollen and nose running most inelegantly, Belle simply regarded her with what looked distinctly like approval.
“Well,” Eleanor said to the horse, her voice hoarse and wobbly, “that wasn’t on the schedule.”
Belle flicked an ear as if to say: Obviously. The best things never are.
That afternoon, Eleanor sat under the walnut tree with a notebook, not to make lists or plans, but simply to write. She wrote about the smell of the horse, warm and earthy and real. About the rough texture of Belle’s coat under her fingers and the surprising softness of her muzzle. About the sound of hooves on grass and how the afternoon light turned the meadow golden. About the taste of fresh bread at lunch and the sight of purple wildflowers she couldn’t name but desperately wanted to.
She wrote about how her body felt lighter, as if she’d been carrying invisible stones in her pockets for years and had only just discovered she could set them down. About the sudden, shocking realisation that she had absolutely no idea what she wanted to do next, and how terrifying and thrilling that was in equal measure.
By Friday, Eleanor had stopped checking her phone every ten minutes. She’d also stopped wearing her watch, which felt almost scandalously rebellious. She walked the Camino path without tracking her steps or pace. She sat in meditation without judging whether she was “doing it right.” She talked in the storytelling circle about failure and fear and the strange relief of having nothing left to prove.
On her last evening, sitting on the terrace with a glass of local wine, Eleanor watched the sunset paint the sky in shades of orange and pink she’d forgotten existed. Belle and the other horses grazed in the meadow below, their dark shapes silhouetted against the fading light. The air smelled of lavender and earth and possibility.
“I thought I’d come here to find answers,” Eleanor said to the host, who’d joined her to watch the light show. “I thought I’d leave with a plan, you know? A new direction.”
“And?” the host asked, her voice warm with understanding.
Eleanor smiled, surprising herself. “I think I found something better. I found the questions I was too afraid to ask. And maybe, just maybe, permission to not have everything figured out.”
The next morning, as Eleanor loaded her three matching suitcases back into the rental car (though she’d abandoned the colour-coded itinerary and let the Excel spreadsheet languish unopened), she paused at the fence one last time. Belle wandered over, and Eleanor offered her a piece of apple she’d saved from breakfast.
“Thank you,” she whispered to the horse, stroking her velvet nose. “For showing me it’s okay to fall apart. For teaching me that falling apart might actually be how you come back together.”
Belle crunched her apple thoughtfully, unbothered by philosophy or profundity, secure in the ancient equine wisdom that Eleanor was only beginning to grasp: sometimes you have to stand still in order to move forward. Sometimes strength looks like surrender. And sometimes, finding yourself requires getting thoroughly, magnificently lost first.
Eleanor drove away that morning without a five-year plan or a clear career trajectory. But she drove away different, softer around the edges, more honest in the middle. She drove away knowing that the most important thing she’d learned had nothing to do with mindfulness techniques or self-help strategies, and everything to do with the revolutionary act of simply being with herself, in all her imperfect, unscheduled, beautifully human messiness.
Three months later, she adopted two rescue horses.
Understanding Private Retreats: Solitude Is the Secret Ingredient
In our aggressively social world, where connection is currency and networking is considered a virtue, choosing solitude can feel almost transgressive. We’re told that healing happens in community, that sharing our stories creates connection, that we’re “better together.” And whilst there’s truth in that, there’s an equally important truth that gets whispered rather than shouted: sometimes you need to be alone.
Not lonely. Alone. There’s a universe of difference.
The Fundamental Difference Between Group and Private Retreats
Group retreats can be magnificent. They offer shared experience, collective energy, and the comfort of knowing you’re not the only one struggling. There’s something powerful about sitting in a circle with others who understand, who nod in recognition at your pain because they’ve felt it too.
But here’s what nobody mentions in the glossy retreat brochures: group experiences require performance. Even in the most supportive, non-judgemental circles, you’re still managing how you appear to others. You’re editing your tears, timing your breakdowns, wondering if you’re sharing too much or not enough. You’re comparing your journey to theirs, measuring your progress against their breakthroughs, feeling guilty when you’re having a bad day and everyone else seems to be glowing with transformation.
A private retreat strips all that away. There’s no audience for your unravelling, no witnesses to your worst moments, no need to put on a brave face during breakfast. You can cry at 3am without worrying about disturbing roommates. You can spend an entire day in silence without explaining yourself. You can eat chocolate biscuits in bed whilst reading your third novel of the week and call it “self-care” without irony or justification.
This isn’t about being antisocial or misanthropic. It’s about creating conditions where your authentic self, the one you might have been hiding even from yourself, can finally emerge without fear of judgment or the pressure to perform recovery in a way that makes others comfortable.
Why Major Life Transitions Demand This Kind of Space
Life transitions, the meaty ones that actually change who you are, don’t happen on schedule. They don’t follow a neat arc from problem to solution, from pain to healing, from confusion to clarity. They’re messy, nonlinear, full of false starts and backsliding and moments where you question everything, including your decision to question everything.
When you’re recovering from burnout, you might need three days of doing absolutely nothing before you can even begin to think about what comes next. When you’re processing grief, you might need to rage one day and feel perfectly fine the next, then wake up the third morning drowning in sadness again. When you’re standing at a crossroads, trying to choose between paths, you might need weeks of sitting with uncertainty before your intuition speaks up.
Private retreats honour this messy reality. They give you permission to take as long as you need, to change your mind, to have a breakthrough on Tuesday and a breakdown on Wednesday. There’s no group schedule to keep, no communal activities to attend unless you want to, no pressure to show up as anything other than exactly who you are in each moment.
The Science and Soul of Solitude
Research increasingly supports what contemplatives and introverts have known forever: time alone is essential for psychological wellbeing. Our brains need periods of low stimulation to process experiences, integrate learning, and make meaning from chaos. The default mode network, the brain’s “daydreaming” state, is where creativity emerges and problems solve themselves, but it only activates when we’re not engaged in directed attention or social interaction.
In practical terms, this means that the breakthrough you’re desperately seeking might require you to stop seeking it. The clarity you need might only emerge when you stop trying to force it. The answer you’re looking for might whisper itself during a solitary walk through wildflower meadows or whilst watching horses graze or in that spacious moment between waking and thinking where truth slips through before your defences rebuild.
But beyond the neuroscience, there’s something soulful about solitude. It’s where you remember who you were before the world told you who to be. It’s where the masks slip and the performance ends and you’re just… you. Raw, unedited, uncensored. And whilst that can be uncomfortable, profoundly so, it’s also where genuine transformation begins.
The Particular Power of Solitude in Nature
There’s a reason cultures across millennia have sent people into wilderness for vision quests, walkabouts, and spiritual retreats. Nature doesn’t require you to be anything other than what you are. A tree doesn’t judge your life choices. A mountain doesn’t care about your credentials. A sunrise doesn’t ask what you’ve achieved lately.
When you combine the solitude of a private retreat with immersion in nature, something alchemical happens. The constant low-level anxiety that characterises modern life, the vigilance required to navigate social situations and professional demands, begins to dissipate. Your nervous system, which has been in fight-or-flight mode for so long you’ve forgotten what calm feels like, gradually downshifts into rest.
Walking the Camino paths through ancient woods and sun-drenched vineyards, you’re not just exercising, you’re literally stepping away from your old story with each footfall. Sitting in a meadow with horses who model presence and authenticity without trying, you’re learning languages your body remembers even if your mind has forgotten. Sleeping in a 300-year-old farmhouse where hundreds of others have sought refuge and renewal before you, you’re plugging into a tradition of transformation that predates self-help books and therapy speak.
Nature, in her infinite patience, simply holds space for whatever needs to emerge. She doesn’t rush your healing or critique your process. She offers lessons without lectures: the storm that clears the air, the seed that waits in darkness before sprouting, the tree that grows around obstacles rather than breaking against them.
What Makes a Private Retreat Different from Just… Going Somewhere
Fair question. After all, couldn’t you just book an Airbnb in the countryside and call it a retreat? Technically, yes. But here’s the difference: a true private retreat offers more than just location, it offers intentional structure and supportive presence.
The structure isn’t rigid, it’s more like scaffolding, support for your transformation without constraints. It might include optional guided meditations, suggested walking routes, storytelling circles you can join or skip, mindfulness practices with horses who serve as four-legged meditation teachers. This gentle framework helps when you’re so overwhelmed you can’t even decide what to do with your day, offering possibilities without prescriptions.
The supportive presence, often an experienced guide who’s walked their own rough roads, matters more than most people realise. Not because you need someone to tell you what to do or think or feel, but because having a witness, someone who can hold space for your unravelling without trying to fix you, is profoundly validating. Someone who can say, “Yes, this is hard, and you’re not broken for finding it hard,” can be the permission slip you need to stop pretending you’re fine.
This is especially crucial if you’re recovering from trauma, processing grief, or dealing with mental health challenges. A retreat environment with someone trained to recognise when you might need additional support provides safety that a random Airbnb doesn’t. You have the solitude and privacy you crave, but you’re not truly alone if things get difficult.
The Practical Magic of Doing Nothing
One of the most radical aspects of a private retreat is permission to do absolutely nothing. Not “nothing” as in sitting still whilst your mind races with to-do lists and worries. Nothing as in genuinely resting, letting your nervous system reset, allowing your body to remember it’s safe to relax.
This is harder than it sounds. Most of us are achievement-oriented, we feel guilty if we’re not being productive. We fill silence with podcasts, stillness with scrolling, solitude with streaming. The idea of spending five days without producing anything tangible, without achieving anything measurable, without having something to show for our time, can feel almost terrifying.
But here’s the thing about doing nothing: it’s actually when everything happens. The insight that emerges during a afternoon nap. The clarity that crystallises whilst watching clouds drift past. The decision that makes itself whilst you’re reading on the terrace with a cat purring on your lap. The healing that occurs when you finally stop fighting and just let yourself be.
Private retreats honour this counterintuitive truth: sometimes the most productive thing you can do is nothing at all.
Frequently Asked Questions
Isn’t spending time alone during a crisis a bit… selfish? Shouldn’t I be with my family/at work/being useful?
Let’s reframe this, shall we? When you’re on an aeroplane and the oxygen masks drop, you’re instructed to secure your own before helping others. Not because you’re selfish, but because you can’t pour from an empty cup, you can’t support others from a place of depletion, and you’re genuinely no use to anyone when you’re running on fumes and resentment. Taking time for a private retreat isn’t abandoning your responsibilities, it’s ensuring you’ll have something left to give when you return. Consider this: what’s more selfish, taking a week to properly tend to your wellbeing, or continuing to show up half-present, exhausted, and increasingly bitter? Your family, your work, your community deserves the full version of you, not the depleted shadow you’ve become. Sometimes the most generous thing you can do for others is to properly care for yourself first.
What if I get there and realise I’ve made a terrible mistake and I’m actually worse at being alone than I thought?
First, that’s a completely valid fear, and second, it happens less often than you’d think. Most people discover that whilst the first day or two of solitude can feel uncomfortable (we’re not used to our own company), it quickly becomes something precious. However, if you genuinely struggle, a well-run private retreat will have contingencies. You’re not locked in a room, you have access to your host, you can adjust your schedule, add more structured activities, or simply cut your stay short if necessary. The beauty of a private retreat is its flexibility, it adapts to what you need rather than forcing you to adapt to it. Also, there’s a difference between productive discomfort (the kind that precedes breakthrough) and genuine distress. Any experienced retreat leader can help you distinguish between the two and support you accordingly.
How do I know if I need a private retreat versus regular therapy or coaching?
They’re not mutually exclusive, they serve different functions. Therapy and coaching are brilliant for ongoing support, processing trauma, developing new patterns, and accountability. A private retreat offers something different: intensive, immersive space for integration and transformation. Think of it this way: therapy is the weekly conversation that helps you understand your story, a retreat is the chapter where you actually live the changes you’ve been talking about. Many people find that combining both is most effective, regular therapeutic support plus occasional retreats for deeper work. If you’re in acute crisis, therapy first, retreats later. If you’re recovering from burnout, dealing with transition, or feeling stuck despite regular therapeutic support, a retreat might provide the breakthrough you need.
I’m an extrovert. Will I absolutely hate a private retreat?
Not necessarily, though you might need to approach it differently. Extroverts recharge through social interaction, so a week of complete solitude might indeed feel depleting rather than renewing. However, many extroverts find that a private retreat offers something they rarely experience: depth without distraction. Instead of choosing the longest retreat option, perhaps start with three to five days. Look for retreats that offer optional communal meals or activities, so you have some social contact without the full group-retreat experience. Consider a retreat that includes activities with other beings (horses, for instance) who provide companionship without the need for conversation. Many extroverts discover that whilst they love social connection, they’ve been using it to avoid being with themselves, and a private retreat offers the rare opportunity to develop that relationship.
What should I actually expect to happen during a private retreat? Will I have some massive epiphany?
Maybe? But probably not in the Hollywood movie way you’re imagining. Transformation rarely looks like a dramatic revelation accompanied by swelling orchestral music. More often, it’s quiet, cumulative, surprising. You might spend three days feeling absolutely nothing is happening, then on day four realise you’ve been sleeping through the night for the first time in months. You might have a good cry with a horse and feel oddly lighter afterwards. You might simply discover that you can spend an entire afternoon without checking your phone and the world didn’t end. Expect the unexpected, or more accurately, expect nothing specific and be open to whatever emerges. Some people leave with crystal-clear clarity about their next steps. Others leave with more questions but less fear about not having answers. Both are valuable. Trust that whatever happens is exactly what needs to happen, even if it doesn’t match your expectations.
Conclusion: The Plot Twist You Author Yourself
When you’re standing at a crossroads, afraid to move in any direction, frozen by the weight of choosing wrong, sometimes the bravest choice is to choose yourself.
Not in a selfish, abandoning-all-responsibility way. But in a “I matter, my wellbeing matters, and I deserve the time and space to figure out who I’m becoming” way.
A private retreat isn’t magic. It won’t solve all your problems, erase your past, or hand you a blueprint for your future tied up in ribbon. But it will give you something increasingly rare and infinitely precious: space to breathe, permission to rest, and the opportunity to hear yourself think without the static of everyone else’s opinions drowning out your inner wisdom.
In my years of hosting retreats and leading storytelling circles, I’ve witnessed countless transformations. Not the dramatic Before-and-After kind beloved by advertising, but the quieter, deeper kind that actually lasts. The woman who arrived brittle with burnout and left softer, slower, more herself. The man who came running from grief and left walking toward acceptance. The countless souls who showed up pretending to be fine and left courageously honest about not being fine at all, which turned out to be the beginning of actually becoming okay.
What they all had in common was this: they gave themselves permission to stop, to rest, to fall apart if necessary, to ask the questions they’d been avoiding, to be exactly as messy and uncertain and imperfect as they actually were. They chose solitude not as escape but as homecoming, not as isolation but as integration, not as giving up but as gathering themselves back together in more authentic arrangements.
Your life is your story, and right now you’re in one of those crucial chapters where everything changes. The chapter where the protagonist stops living everyone else’s script and starts writing her own. Where he finally admits the path he’s been following isn’t actually leading anywhere he wants to go. Where they gather the courage to say, “I don’t know who I’m becoming, but I’m willing to find out.”
This is sacred work, this unravelling and reweaving. It deserves dedicated time, protected space, and the kind of gentle, patient attention we so rarely give ourselves. It deserves the morning light through farmhouse windows, the ancient rhythm of walking pilgrim paths, the quiet wisdom of horses who know something about being fully present that humans have forgotten. It deserves your undivided attention, just for a few days, just long enough to remember who you are beneath all the roles and expectations and performances.
So perhaps the question isn’t whether you can afford to take a private retreat. Perhaps the question is whether you can afford not to. Whether you can afford to continue running on empty, performing fine, postponing the honest reckoning with yourself that you know, deep down, is overdue.
The story you’re living is still being written. There are blank pages ahead, waiting for your pen. The plot twist that changes everything might not be a dramatic external event, it might simply be you, choosing yourself, choosing rest, choosing the radical act of paying attention to your own life.
Your crossroads is waiting. So is your next chapter. And sometimes, the only way forward is to first stand still long enough to remember which direction actually feels like home.
Your Invitation: The Camino Calls, But Only When You’re Ready
There’s a particular magic that happens when you walk the Camino de Santiago through the sun-blessed southwest of France. Not the crowded, well-trodden routes everyone photographs for Instagram, but the quiet paths that wind through medieval villages, noble vineyards, and wildflower meadows where the only sound is your footfall and your breathing and the occasional greeting from a passing pilgrim.
My Camino de Santiago Crossroads Retreats are designed for people like Eleanor, like you, who stand at life’s turning points needing more than platitudes and prescriptions. They’re for those brave enough to admit they’re lost and wise enough to know that being lost might actually be the beginning of finding your true path.
During these seven-day private retreats at my 200-year-old farmhouse in Gascony, we combine the transformative power of walking ancient pilgrim routes with mindfulness practices, meditation exercises specifically designed for stress management, and the deep, honest work that happens in storytelling circles. Because I believe, with every fibre of my storyteller’s soul, that your story matters, that telling it truthfully heals, and that listening to others tell theirs builds bridges of compassion we desperately need.
The retreat includes optional guided walks on the Camino (you’re never forced to keep pace with anyone but yourself), equine-guided mindfulness sessions with my gentle Friesian horses who teach presence better than any human instructor, and plenty of unstructured time for whatever your soul requires, reading under the walnut tree, writing in the meadow, napping in the afternoon sunshine, or simply sitting with a cup of tea watching the light change over the vineyards.
We gather for home-cooked meals featuring local ingredients (because breaking bread together is its own form of storytelling), and optional evening storytelling circles around the fire pit where we share our journeys with gratitude and kindness, creating temporary communities of friendship built on authenticity rather than performance.
This isn’t a fitness retreat, though you’ll walk. It isn’t a silent retreat, though you’ll have abundant silence. It isn’t therapy, though healing happens. It’s something harder to categorise and more valuable than any single label could capture: it’s protected time and sacred space for you to unravel, examine, release, and reweave the story of your life into something that actually fits who you’re becoming.
The retreats are intentionally small, only three to four guests, ensuring genuine attention and the privacy necessary for deep work. Because whilst community has its place, some transformations require fewer witnesses and more spaciousness.
If this calls to you, if something in your body said “yes” before your mind could list all the reasons why you can’t possibly take a week for yourself right now, I invite you to explore more at margarethamontagu.com/camino-de-santiago-crossroads-retreat/. We can arrange a conversation to ensure this retreat fits your needs like your favourite worn-in hiking boots, comfortable enough to carry you through difficult terrain.
The Camino has been calling pilgrims for over a thousand years. It’s patient, it’ll wait. But perhaps your crossroads won’t. Perhaps the time to choose yourself, to honour your journey, to invest in your own transformation, is precisely now, when it feels most impossible and most necessary.
Come walk with me, not to find all the answers, but to ask better questions. Not to become someone new, but to remember who you’ve always been beneath the accumulated layers of should and must and supposed to. Not to escape your life, but to return to it renewed, clearer, more wholly yourself.
The path is waiting. Your story is waiting. You are waiting, somewhere beneath the exhaustion and overwhelm, waiting to be remembered and reclaimed.
All that’s required is one brave decision: to choose yourself, just for a week, just long enough to find your way home.
When you look back on this chapter of your life ten years from now, what do you hope you’ll have been brave enough to choose?
Research
My research revealed that a variety of solo (private) retreats are offered in various parts of the world. I discovered that people attend private retreats
To prevent/recover from burnout. A solo retreat offers you the privacy to gain deeper insight into yourself, your values, and your purpose in life. Spending time alone, away from the distractions and demands of daily life can empower you to identify your strengths and weaknesses clearly and adjust your lifestyle to avoid/bounce back from burnout.
To process overwhelm. If you feel overwhelmed by the multitude of decisions you face in your personal or professional life, a solo retreat can provide a secure environment where you can make important decisions with greater clarity and confidence.
To deal with past traumas, grief, or emotional injury, in a safe and supportive space. Being alone enables you to confront your emotions, process difficult experiences, and begin the journey towards healing, health and wholeness.
To reconnect with nature. Spending time alone in nature can be intensely rejuvenating and restorative, helping you to find inner peace, serenity, and rediscover your sense of awe and adventure.
To get unstuck. During a solo retreat, you’ll have the opportunity to reflect on your past experiences, evaluate your current circumstances, and set meaningful objectives for the future.
To escape your stifling, boring and monotonous daily routine. A private retreat allows you to explore a new location, a different culture, and alternative habits and gain a fresh perspective on your life, in your own time and at your own pace.
To unleash your creativity (and increase your ability to solve problems.) With time to yourself, you can often reignite the spark of inspiration that may have dimmed in the hustle and bustle of daily life.
To expand your spiritual practice. A solo retreat can enable you to commune with your innermost self and explore your relationship with the divine in a profound and meaningful way.
To disconnect from digital overload: If you struggle with technology addiction, a solo retreat provides a much-needed break from the constant bombardment of information allowing you to reduce your stress levels, reconnect with your senses and engage fully with the present moment.
A private wellness retreat offers a break from the demands and stresses of daily life, providing you with the chance to rest, relax, and replenish your energy reserves. It can be a catalyst for personal transformation, enabling you to confront challenges, overcome obstacles, and develop new skills, habits or perspectives.
A man can be himself only so long as he is alone, and if he does not love solitude, he will not love freedom, for it is only when he is alone that he is really free. – Arthur Schopenhauer
In addition to the Camino de Santiago retreats that I host at my little French farm southwest of Bordeaux, I have also created 7 online courses, ex.The Purpose Protocols, The Roadmap to Resilience – from Burnout to Brilliance Protocol and The Change Careers without Starting from Scratch – each course is available with or without one-to-one support. To stay in contact, I invite you to subscribe to my newsletter, you’ll get immediate access to my free life crisis quiz.
Don’t Fake It Until You Make It, Face It Until You Make It
The Case for Authenticity in Leadership and Life
What this is: A compassionate dismantling of the most overused advice in business, written by someone who learned the hard way (from horses, no less) that pretending to be confident when you’re terrified doesn’t just fail, it actively sabotages your success and your sanity.
What this isn’t: Permission to wallow in self-doubt or an excuse to avoid challenging situations. This is about the profound difference between performing competence and building it, between masking anxiety and transforming it.
Read this if: You’re exhausted from maintaining a facade of having it all together, you’ve noticed people can sense your uncertainty no matter how well you perform, or you’re wondering why “fake it till you make it” leaves you feeling hollower the higher you climb.
Five Key Takeaways
Authenticity creates trust, performance destroys it. People, like horses, sense incongruence between your internal state and external projection, and that mismatch erodes credibility faster than admitting uncertainty ever could.
“Faking it” teaches you to perform, not to grow. When you mask incompetence rather than confronting it, you never develop the actual skills you’re pretending to have, creating a precarious house of cards.
Vulnerability is the foundation of resilience. Facing challenges honestly, acknowledging what you don’t know, and actively learning builds genuine capability that performance can never replicate.
The cognitive load of maintaining a facade is crushing. Constantly monitoring what you say, how you appear, and whether your mask is slipping drains the mental resources you need for actual problem-solving and creativity.
Authentic leadership creates psychological safety that allows teams, families, and communities to thrive, whilst performative leadership breeds anxiety, distrust, and a culture of pretence.
Introduction: The Expensive Illusion of Certainty
Here’s what nobody tells you about “fake it till you make it”: it works brilliantly, right up until the moment it catastrophically doesn’t.
I’ve spent 20 years as a GP watching high-achievers collapse under the weight of their own performances. Executives who projected unwavering confidence whilst their bodies screamed warnings through insomnia, digestive issues, and mounting anxiety. Entrepreneurs who’d rather risk their businesses than admit they didn’t have all the answers. Professionals who built entire careers on the exhausting premise that vulnerability equals weakness.
And then I moved to the south of France and started working with horses.
If you want to understand why “faking it” is fundamentally flawed advice, try it with a 600-kilogram Friesian who can detect your heart rate from across a field. Horses are biofeedback machines wrapped in muscle and intuition. They respond not to what you’re projecting, but to what you’re actually feeling. The incongruence between your confident stance and your racing pulse? They feel it immediately. And they don’t trust it.
Over 15 years of hosting stress management retreats along the Camino de Santiago, I’ve watched this play out hundreds of times. The most successful people are often the most committed to their performances, and the most shocked when those performances stop working.
The alternative isn’t lowering your standards or abandoning ambition. It’s something far more radical and, paradoxically, far more effective: facing it until you make it.
Stress destroys Lives. To find out what you can do to safeguard your sanity by taking my insight-giving quiz, subscribe to my mailing list.
Sandra’s Story: When the Mask Cracks at the Worst Possible Moment
Sandra Pepper had perfected the art of looking like she had everything under control. At 42, she’d built a boutique consulting firm that advised multinational corporations on digital transformation. Her LinkedIn profile gleamed with recommendations. Her keynote presentations at industry conferences were polished to a mirror shine. Her team of twelve believed she knew exactly what she was doing at all times.
The truth was rather different.
Standing in the wings at the Tech Innovation Summit in Amsterdam, Sandra felt the familiar clench in her stomach. The auditorium held 800 people. Her presentation on AI integration strategies was loaded and waiting. She’d rehearsed it seventeen times. Every slide, every pause, every moment of calculated humour was choreographed.
She pressed her palm against the cool concrete wall backstage, steadying herself. The fabric of her charcoal suit felt suddenly too tight across her shoulders. Someone had turned up the heating, surely. Her mouth tasted metallic, that distinctive flavour of adrenaline she’d learned to associate with these moments.
“Sandra Pepper, everyone!” The applause rolled towards her like a wave.
She walked into the lights, her heels clicking against the stage floor with false confidence. Smiled. Clicked to the first slide. Opened her mouth.
Nothing came out.
Not stage fright, exactly. Something worse. A sudden, crystalline moment of clarity where she realised she didn’t actually believe a word of what she was about to say. She’d built this entire presentation on frameworks she’d borrowed from other thought leaders, theories she’d never properly tested, confident assertions about technologies she’d only read about in briefing documents.
She was a fraud. A very well-dressed, highly paid fraud. And 800 people were waiting.
The silence stretched. Someone coughed. Sandra felt sweat prickle along her hairline, could smell her own fear mixing with the expensive perfume she’d applied that morning. The stage lights were too bright, too hot. Her hands trembled slightly as she gripped the clicker.
“I’m sorry,” she heard herself say. Her voice sounded strange, unfamiliar. “I need to tell you something before we begin.”
What happened next surprised her more than anyone. Instead of the polished presentation she’d prepared, Sandra began speaking from a place of honesty she’d been suppressing for years. She talked about the gaps in her knowledge. The questions that kept her awake. The uncertainties inherent in emerging technologies. The consultants who pretended to have answers when the truth was we’re all figuring this out together.
The audience leaned forward. Someone started taking notes.
By the time Sandra finished, 45 minutes later, she felt hollowed out and somehow lighter. The applause was different this time, warmer, more genuine. Three CEOs approached her afterwards, not because she’d impressed them with certainty, but because she’d given them permission to be uncertain too.
In the taxi back to her hotel, Sandra’s hands still shook slightly. But the metallic taste was gone. She’d spent fifteen years building a fortress of competence, and in forty-five minutes she’d discovered that vulnerability was actually a door, not a weakness.
The real work, she realised, was just beginning.
The Neuroscience of Pretending: Your Brain Knows You’re Lying
Here’s what happens when you fake confidence you don’t feel: your brain registers the incongruence. The prefrontal cortex, responsible for executive function, becomes occupied with two tasks simultaneously: solving the actual problem and maintaining the performance of confidence. This cognitive splitting drains mental resources you desperately need for creative thinking, problem-solving, and genuine connection.
Research in neuroscience shows that authenticity activates the ventromedial prefrontal cortex, associated with self-referential processing and decision-making aligned with core values. When we perform rather than embody, we create what psychologists call “self-concept discrepancy”, the gap between who we are and who we’re pretending to be. This discrepancy doesn’t just feel uncomfortable. It manifests as chronic stress, decision fatigue, and what I’ve seen countless times in my medical practice, a cascade of stress-related health issues.
During my years hosting retreats along the Camino de Santiago, I’ve witnessed this transformation repeatedly. Participants arrive performing competence, maintaining careful control over how they’re perceived. Then something shifts. Maybe it’s the rhythm of walking. Perhaps it’s the raw honesty that emerges in our storytelling circles. Often, it’s the horses.
Twiss, my oldest Friesian, is particularly gifted at spotting incongruence. She’ll refuse to move for someone projecting false confidence, then follow like a shadow when that same person drops the performance and admits their fear. She’s not being difficult. She’s responding to authenticity, which in the animal world is synonymous with trustworthiness.
The “fake it till you make it” philosophy emerged from a genuine insight, that behaviour can influence emotion. But it’s been catastrophically misapplied. Amy Cuddy’s research on power posing, often cited to support this approach, actually showed that physical stances can temporarily affect hormone levels, not that pretending to have skills you lack is an effective development strategy.
What we actually need is the courage to “face it until we make it”, to confront our genuine capabilities, acknowledge our limitations, and build real competence rather than its performance. This isn’t about lowering standards. It’s about raising them. A performed expertise crumbles under pressure. Built expertise becomes unshakeable.
I’ve worked with dozens of high-achievers trapped in this performance cycle. The pattern is consistent: the higher they climb whilst maintaining the facade, the more terrified they become of being discovered. The energy required to maintain the illusion grows exponentially, leaving less capacity for actual growth, genuine connection, or sustainable success.
The alternative requires courage, but it’s the difference between a career built on sand and one built on bedrock. When you face your limitations honestly, you can actually address them. When you admit what you don’t know, you create space to learn. When you show up authentically, you give others permission to do the same, creating cultures of genuine innovation rather than performative certainty.
This shift, from performance to presence, from facade to facing, transforms not just individual lives but entire organisations and communities. Authentic leadership creates psychological safety. Teams stop wasting energy managing impressions and redirect it towards solving actual problems. Innovation flourishes because people feel safe admitting when approaches aren’t working. Trust deepens because congruence, that alignment between internal experience and external expression, is the foundation of all genuine connection.
Your body already knows this. That’s why maintaining the performance creates such physical toll: the elevated cortisol, the disrupted sleep, the digestive issues, the muscle tension. You’re asking your nervous system to sustain a state of vigilant monitoring, constantly scanning for threats to your carefully constructed image. It’s exhausting because it was never meant to be sustainable.
The Ripple Effect: How Authentic Leadership Transforms Communities
When one person chooses authenticity over performance, the effects radiate outward in ways that are difficult to overstate. I’ve documented this pattern across fifteen years of retreat work and through eight books exploring life’s most challenging transitions, divorce, loss, unexpected illness, and crisis.
Sandra’s moment of transparency on that Amsterdam stage didn’t just change her trajectory. Three of her team members later told her that her honesty gave them courage to admit their own knowledge gaps, leading to collaborative problem-solving that had been impossible when everyone was performing expertise. Her clients, relieved to work with a consultant who acknowledged uncertainty, brought her deeper into strategic conversations they’d previously handled internally. Her marriage improved because she stopped performing “having it all together” at home too.
This is the paradox of vulnerability in leadership: it’s simultaneously terrifying and magnetic. People are desperately hungry for permission to be human, to acknowledge complexity, to admit they don’t have all the answers. When you model that courage, you create space for others to drop their own exhausting performances.
In my medical practice, I saw this repeatedly. One executive’s decision to openly address their stress and anxiety gave their entire leadership team permission to prioritise wellbeing. One entrepreneur’s honesty about nearly burning out led to company-wide policy changes around working hours and mental health support. The ripple effects extended to families, as children watched parents model authentic vulnerability rather than brittle perfectionism.
This is why the work we do in our storytelling circles is so transformative. When people share their authentic experiences, witnessed without judgment, they discover that their “shameful secrets” are often universal struggles. The isolation that comes from performing competence dissolves. Connection deepens. Genuine resilience, the kind that doesn’t crack under pressure, begins to develop.
Excavating Your Authentic Self
Take 20 minutes with this powerful exploration. Find a quiet space where you won’t be interrupted.
Part One (10 minutes): Write freely about a situation where you’re currently “faking it.” What are you pretending to know, feel, or be capable of? What would happen if you admitted the truth? What are you actually feeling beneath the performance? Don’t edit, just write.
Part Two (10 minutes): Now write about what you’d need to feel safe dropping the facade. What support? What skills do you need to build? What conversations need to happen? What’s one small step toward facing rather than faking?
Keep this writing private. It’s not for sharing, it’s for seeing clearly. Sometimes the act of witnessing our own truth on paper is enough to begin shifting from performance to presence.
Further Reading: Five Unconventional Books on Authenticity and Growth
1. “The Gift of Failure” by Jessica Lahey Not your typical business book, but profoundly relevant. Lahey explores how protecting children from failure creates adults terrified of appearing incompetent. For high-achievers who learned early to perform perfection, this book excavates the roots of that pattern and offers a compassionate alternative.
2. “Immunity to Change” by Robert Kegan and Lisa Lahey This brilliant work reveals why we resist changes we genuinely want to make. The competing commitments framework explains why “fake it till you make it” feels safer than authentic vulnerability, and provides practical tools for genuine transformation.
3. “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brené Brown Yes, Brown is well-known now, but this earlier work remains her most useful for high-achieving professionals. She dissects the difference between belonging (which requires authenticity) and fitting in (which requires performance) with surgical precision.
4. “Thinking in Bets” by Annie Duke Duke, a professional poker player, makes the compelling case for expressing uncertainty and probabilistic thinking rather than false confidence. In business and life, she argues, admitting what you don’t know is strategically superior to performing certainty. Revolutionary for decision-making.
5. “The Wisdom of Insecurity” by Alan Watts Written in 1951, still devastatingly relevant. Watts explores our addiction to the illusion of security and control, and what becomes possible when we face life’s inherent uncertainty with presence rather than performance. Dense but transformative.
P.S. If you’re ready for structured support in shifting from performance to presence, my two-day online course “Road Map to Resilience: From Burnout to Breakthrough” provides practical frameworks, guided exercises, and community support for building genuine resilience rather than its performance.
Camino Retreat Guest Testimonial:
“I arrived at Dr. Montagu’s retreat absolutely terrified but determined not to show it. I’d spent twenty years in corporate law perfecting the art of looking confident when I was drowning. On day two, working with Kashkin, one of the Friesian horses, everything shifted. He simply wouldn’t move when I was performing confidence. The moment I admitted out loud that I was scared and didn’t know what I was doing, he walked straight to me. That horse taught me what five executive coaches couldn’t: authenticity isn’t weakness, it’s the only foundation strong enough to build a real life on. Three months later, I’d left the partnership that was killing me and started a practice aligned with my actual values. Best decision of my life, and it started with a horse who refused to believe my lies.” — Rachel M., London
Virtual Storytelling Circle Testimonial:
“The storytelling circle gave me something I didn’t know I was missing: permission to be human. For eighteen months, I’d been the CEO everyone looked to for answers during the pandemic. I couldn’t show fear or uncertainty, or so I thought. In the circle, sharing my authentic story about nearly collapsing from the pressure, I discovered I wasn’t alone. Other participants shared their own struggles with maintaining facades. Dr. Montagu held space for all of it with such compassion. Now I lead differently. I still have high standards, but I’ve stopped pretending I have all the answers. My team is more innovative, more honest, and frankly, more loyal because they trust me now in a way they never did when I was performing infallibility.” — Simone K., Amsterdam
Five Razor-Sharp FAQs
Q: Isn’t “fake it till you make it” just another way of saying “act as if” or “grow into the role”?
A: No, and the distinction matters enormously. “Acting as if” or “growing into a role” assumes you’re building genuine capability whilst stretching into new responsibilities. “Faking it” implies maintaining a performance instead of developing skills. One is aspirational growth, the other is sustained pretence. Your nervous system knows the difference, and so does everyone around you.
Q: Won’t admitting uncertainty undermine my authority as a leader?
A: The opposite is true. Research on leadership consistently shows that leaders who acknowledge knowledge gaps whilst demonstrating commitment to learning them inspire more trust and loyalty than those who perform omniscience. Authority isn’t about knowing everything, it’s about being trustworthy, competent in your actual areas of expertise, and honest about your limitations. People respect authentic confidence far more than performed certainty.
Q: What’s the difference between healthy confidence and “faking it”?
A: Healthy confidence emerges from genuine capability and self-knowledge. You’re confident because you’ve actually developed skills, faced challenges, and learned from failures. “Faking it” is performing confidence you don’t feel about capabilities you don’t have. One feels grounded and sustainable. The other requires exhausting vigilance and creates mounting anxiety about being “found out.”
Q: How do I transition from performing to being authentic without losing professional credibility?
A: Start small. Instead of claiming expertise you don’t have, say “That’s outside my current knowledge, but I’ll research it and get back to you.” Instead of pretending problems don’t exist, acknowledge them whilst showing your commitment to solutions. You’ll discover that honesty about limitations, paired with competence in your actual areas of strength, builds credibility faster than performing perfection ever could.
Q: What if my entire career is built on “faking it”? Is it too late to change?
A: It’s never too late, though the transition requires courage. Many of my retreat participants arrive at exactly this realisation. The key is viewing it not as “I’ve been living a lie” but as “I’m ready to build something more sustainable and authentic.” Start by acknowledging one small area of uncertainty. Build genuine capability there. Let people see your learning process. You’ll be surprised how quickly authentic confidence replaces performed certainty, and how much lighter you feel.
Conclusion: The Courage to Be Real
The irony of “fake it till you make it” is that it keeps you perpetually performing instead of actually making it. You become so skilled at the facade that you never develop the substance behind it. You climb higher and higher on a ladder you’re increasingly certain is leaning against the wrong wall entirely.
Facing it until you make it requires different courage: the courage to be seen as you actually are, to admit what you don’t know, to build genuine capability rather than its performance. It’s harder at first. Vulnerability always is. But it’s the only path to sustainable success, authentic connection, and the kind of resilience that doesn’t shatter under pressure.
Your body is already trying to tell you this. The stress, the anxiety, the exhaustion, these aren’t weaknesses to be hidden. They’re messages that the performance has become unsustainable. The question isn’t whether to listen, but whether you’ll hear the whisper or wait for the scream.
The horses taught me something profound: authenticity isn’t a luxury, it’s a prerequisite for genuine connection, effective leadership, and sustainable success. They don’t respond to performance. Neither, ultimately, do people.
You don’t need to fake it. You never did. You just need the courage to face it, the compassion to be human, and the faith that genuine growth, however challenging, will always serve you better than performed perfection.
The real work isn’t learning to fake it better. It’s learning that you don’t have to.
An Invitation to Walk a Different Path
If this article has resonated with you, if you’re exhausted from maintaining facades and ready to build something more authentic and sustainable, I’d like to invite you to something genuinely different.
Our Camino de Santiago walking retreats in the south-west of France offer something you won’t find in conventional stress management programmes: space to drop the performance entirely. Over several days of guided walking along ancient pilgrimage routes, mindfulness and meditation practices, and profound encounters with my Friesian horses, you’ll discover what emerges when you stop performing and start being.
This isn’t another corporate retreat where you’re expected to network and impress. This is genuine sanctuary. The horses don’t care about your title, your achievements, or your carefully curated professional image. They respond only to who you actually are, beneath all that. In our storytelling circles, you’ll discover the liberating power of sharing your authentic experience with others doing the same.
The walking itself becomes meditation, the rhythm slowly dissolving the layers of performance you’ve accumulated. The landscape of rural France holds you whilst you shed what no longer serves. The horses mirror back your genuine state, teaching you the difference between presence and performance. And in the community of fellow travellers, you’ll discover you’re not alone in this exhaustion, or in the courage it takes to choose differently.
I keep the groups deliberately small. The pace is humane. The focus is on genuine transformation, not impressive takeaways for your LinkedIn profile. This is where burned-out executives become human again. Where entrepreneurs remember why they started. Where leaders discover that their vulnerability might be their greatest strength.
If you’re ready to stop faking it and start facing it, to build resilience that doesn’t require performance, to discover what becomes possible when you bring your whole, authentic self to your life and work, we’d be honoured to walk alongside you.
“Facing it” fosters a growth mindset—the belief that abilities and skills can be developed through dedication and hard work. Rather than fixating on external validation, a growth mindset enables us to view challenges as opportunities for learning.
A “Faking it until you make it” mentality can cause imposter syndrome, the fear that we will be exposed as frauds if we don’t maintain the facade of success. To truly thrive in today’s fast-paced and unpredictable world, we must embrace authenticity and increase our resilience. By facing challenges head-on, acknowledging our weaknesses, and committing to continuous growth, we can cultivate the inner strength needed to navigate life’s trials and tribulations. So, rather than faking it until you make it, have the courage to face it until you make it—the journey may be challenging, but the rewards are infinitely more fulfilling.
“Cultivating authenticity isn’t just about being genuine with others; it’s also about being genuine with ourselves. When we embrace vulnerability and face our fears with honesty, we forge deeper connections and achieve greater success in all aspects of life.” Brené Brown, a research professor at the University of Houston and the author of several bestselling books, including “The Gifts of Imperfection” and “Daring Greatly.”
Author Bio: Dr Margaretha Montagu – described as a “game changer”, “gifted healer”, “guiding light” and “life-enriching author” – is an experienced medical doctor, a certified NLP practitioner, a medical hypnotherapist, an equine-assisted psychotherapist (EAGALAcertified) and a transformational retreat leader who guides her clients through life transitions – virtually, or with the assistance of her Friesian and Falabella horses, at their home in the southwest of France.
When you’ve outgrown the job, the industry, or possibly the identity you built in your thirties and forties, the Camino has a suggestion: start walking. Does walking the Camino actually help with a career crisis? Yes — but not by producing answers directly. A 5-day break with 3 days of sustained walking on the Camino …
. There is something different at my little farm in the southwest of France this summer (and your Fridays are about to get even better) My archives are here: Margaretha Montagu’s Stories. Last week I caught myself doing the thing again. You know the thing. Phone in hand, re-reading an email I’d already answered and mentally …
(And why short nature immersion Camino de Santiago breaks in France are so popular) No man has ever said yes to a “healing men’s retreat.” Plenty have said yes to a hard week of walking through France with three other guys and no phone signal. Take Mark, for example. Mark had told his wife it …
Why five days on the Camino de Santiago does what three months of therapy cannot — and costs less than your gym membership What This Article Is About (And Whether It’s Worth Your Next Five Minutes) You are probably carrying more than you should be right now. Not in your bag — in your head. …
You’ve been ‘meaning to do something memorable‘ together for years to maintain a friendship. This is the trip that finally counts — and the story you’ll still be telling at 80. What This Article Is About Somewhere in your life there is a friend — possibly two, possibly three — with whom you have been …
A Moving Meditation for Stress Reduction and Inner Harmony
In our modern world, filled with constant noise and distractions, a “new” trend has emerged called “silent walking,” and it’s all about escaping the chaos that surrounds us. I had to smile when I first came across this “new” trend. So we have come full circle: we started with the great writers of our time recommending long, silent walks to increase creativity, we then slammed on our headphones so that we could listen first to the radio, then to our favourite music on tapes and CDs, then to podcasts and audiobooks, and now we are right back to walking in silence. We are, once again, seeking ways to reconnect with ourselves and the world around us. In this article, we’ll explore the “new” silent walking trend and its benefits.
The Surprising Power of Silence
What has changed since famous writers like Henry David Thoreau, who said “Methinks that the moment my legs begin to move, my thoughts begin to flow,” started to encourage us to walk?
Mindfulness, enabling us to connect with our surroundings on a deeper level, has become a popular practice.
Mindful walking, in silence, has become more than just a leisurely stroll; it’s now a deliberate practice of walking in complete silence, without any external distractions.
Dr. Sarah Turner, a clinical psychologist, emphasizes the importance of silence in our busy lives. She states, “In a world that bombards us with constant noise and information, silence becomes a precious commodity. Silent walking offers a unique opportunity to escape the noise and rediscover the beauty of the world around us.” It’s often done in natural settings, such as parks, forests, or along the shoreline, where the sights, sounds and smells of nature can be appreciated.
On TikTok, people are taking part in a challenge to stroll without the accompaniment of music or podcasts. Is it just me, or is there a certain irony to this statement? Mady Maio, who started the trend, said: “Every time I finish a silent walk, I have a new idea for my business, I’ve untangled a weird situation in my head that I’ve been ruminating over and I feel like a lot of my current question marks get answered.”
Dr Raafat Girgis says, “Staying away from noise can cultivate a sense of awareness and connection with your environment, promoting mental clarity and reducing rumination or intrusive thoughts. Silently walking in nature allows the brain and body to focus on the present moment, thus reducing excessive, repetitive thinking that can increase stress. Also, external noise causes brain stimulation in the nervous system, which “responds by raising levels of stress hormones in the brain. While in nature, removing the stressors and replacing them with quiet thought with no interference … your mood improves naturally. Even though silent walking is now presenting itself as new and trendy, some religious groups have practised it as mental health treatment “for some time.”
Indeed. For several centuries, in fact.
Mindfulness Revisited
So focusing on each step and paying attention to the environment, helps us to clear our minds and reduce stress. This concept is echoed by mindfulness expert, Dr. Emily Roberts, who explains, “Silent walking is a form of moving meditation. It allows you to let go of your worries and immerse yourself in the sensory experience of walking. It’s a powerful tool for reducing anxiety and improving mental clarity.”
Physical and Mental Benefits
The silent walking trend isn’t just about finding inner peace; it also offers a range of physical and mental health benefits. Dr. Mark Davis, a physician and advocate of silent walking, notes, “Regular silent walking can improve cardiovascular health, strengthen muscles, and help with weight management. It’s a low-impact exercise that can be enjoyed by people of all fitness levels.”
Furthermore, silent walking has been linked to improved mental well-being. Dr. Lisa Patel, a psychiatrist, states, “The practice of silent walking can boost mood, reduce symptoms of depression, and enhance overall emotional well-being. It provides a break from the constant chatter of our minds and allows us to be in tune with our feelings.”
Disconnect to Reconnect
In today’s hyper-connected world, we are slowly realizing that for our mental well-being, we need to regularly disconnect from screens and digital distractions. Silent walking provides an opportunity to do just that. Julie Adams, a silent walking enthusiast, shares her experience, saying, “I used to spend hours scrolling through social media and watching TV, but I felt disconnected from the real world. Silent walking has helped me unplug and reconnect with nature and myself.”
So take your airpods out, and join the Silent Walking Movement.
An Insightgiving Way of Life
Silent walking isn’t just a passing trend; it’s becoming a way of life for many. As Dr. Davis aptly puts it, “Silent walking is a trend worth embracing. It’s a gentle reminder that in silence, we can find solace, clarity, and a renewed appreciation for the world around us,” and Maria Rodriguez, a dedicated practitioner, says, “Silent walking has become a daily ritual for me. It’s a time when I can reflect, recharge, and appreciate the simple beauty of life. It has transformed the way I see the world.”
Getting Started
If you’re interested in trying silent walking, all you need is a quiet place to walk and a willingness to embrace silence. Start with short walks in a park or nature reserve. Pay attention to each step, the sensation of your feet touching the ground, and the sounds of nature around you. As you become more comfortable, you can extend the duration of your walks.”
Here at Esprit Meraki, during our Camino de Santiago de Compostela walks, guests do exactly that, but we call it “walking meditation or “mindful walking.
After a walking meditation, guests are encouraged to do a writing meditation here at Esprit Meraki using the following prompts: Did you notice any shifts in your thoughts, emotions, or mindset during your meditation? Did any insights emerge while you walked mindfully? Were there any challenges or distractions that arose during your walking meditation? How did you overcome these? Did you have any breakthrough moments? Consider how you can integrate the lessons learned from your walking meditation into your daily life. Are there specific actions or insights you can use to enhance your overall well-being?
The rise of the silent walking trend is a testament to our innate need for silence and connection in an increasingly noisy world. As more people seek refuge from the constant hustle and bustle of modern life, silent walking can provide a path to serenity and self-discovery.
So, if you’re looking for a way to escape the neverending noise and find peace in stillness, consider taking a silent walk – or even better, come on a Camino de Santiago de Compostela Walking Retreat here in the south of France, to discover how immersing yourself in nature and mindfully using all five senses – touch, sight, hearing, smell, and taste – can become a feast for the senses and dramatically reduce stress.
Stress destroys Lives. To find out what you can do to safeguard your sanity by taking my insight-giving quiz, subscribe to my mailing list.
Foundations for Your FutureProtocol– a fast-paced, high-impact, future-focused course that facilitates the construction of identity-shaping stories about your future self so that you can make the changes needed to avoid having to go through big life changes again and again—without needing to process your past in depth and in detail.
I put the essence of who I am, and everything I have experienced that makes me who I am, with great enthusiasm, into my retreats, courses and books. – Dr Margaretha Montagu (MBChB, MRCGP, NLP master pract (cert,) Transformational Life Coach (dip,) Life Story Coach (cert) Counselling (cert,) Med Hypnotherapy (dip) and EAGALA (cert)
What this is: A practical guide to treating emotional injuries with the same urgency and skill you’d apply to a physical wound, because your feelings deserve better than a stiff upper lip and a bottle of wine.
What this isn’t: Another wellness article suggesting you solve your problems with bubble baths and positive affirmations whilst your world crumbles around you.
Read this if: You’re exhausted from pretending you’re fine. You’ve been rejected, betrayed, or humiliated, and you’re still bleeding emotionally whilst everyone expects you to perform flawlessly. You’re a high-achiever who’s brilliant at fixing everyone else’s problems but hopeless at addressing your own invisible wounds.
Time investment: 19 minutes that could save you 12 months of unnecessary suffering.
5 Key Emotional Aid Takeaways
Emotional injuries are as real as physical ones and require immediate intervention, not stoic denial or self-medication with overwork.
Rumination is emotional bleeding that drains your energy and delays healing. You can stop it with focused distraction, much like applying pressure to a physical wound.
Emotional first aid has a protocol just like physical first aid: stop, recognise, validate, stem the bleeding, disinfect (process), and protect (set boundaries).
Isolation intensifies emotional pain the way infection worsens a physical wound. Connection, whether through trusted friends or support groups, is essential for healing.
Prevention matters as much as treatment. Setting healthy boundaries and developing emotional resilience prevents future injuries from penetrating as deeply.
Introduction: The Wounds No One Can See
When you accidentally cut yourself whilst preparing your dinner, you know that you need to stop what you are doing, wash your finger and stem the bleeding. Once that’s done, you know you have to disinfect the wound and then cover it with a band-aid, to keep it from getting infected.
We know what we need to do when we get physically injured.
But do we know what to do when we get emotionally injured?
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: most successful professionals would sooner perform surgery on themselves with a butter knife than admit they’re emotionally wounded. You’ve built empires, led teams, made impossible decisions under crushing pressure. You’ve got this. Except when you don’t, and the rejection lands like a punch to the solar plexus, or the betrayal leaves you gasping for air at 3am, or the failure, the humiliation plays on repeat in your mind like a horror film you can’t switch off.
Betrayal, rejection, bullying, abandonment, humiliation, failure, isolation and neglect are all examples of emotional injuries. And just like physical wounds, they require immediate attention, proper treatment, and time to heal.
Yet we treat emotional injuries as character flaws rather than treatable conditions. We expect ourselves to simply “get over it” whilst simultaneously expecting our bodies to take weeks to heal from minor surgery. The cognitive dissonance would be laughable if it weren’t so damaging.
This article offers something radically practical: a protocol for emotional first aid that actually works, drawn from two decades of clinical practice, fifteen years of witnessing transformation on the Camino de Santiago, and the lived experience of both treating and surviving emotional injuries that could have destroyed lesser souls.
Aline’s Story: When Success Wasn’t Enough to Save Her
Aline Patterson sat in her corner office on the forty-second floor, watching the city lights blur through tears she refused to let fall. The leather chair, the mahogany desk, the wall of achievements, none of it mattered anymore. The email glowed on her screen like an accusation: “After careful consideration, we’ve decided to move forward with another candidate for the partnership position.”
Another candidate. Eight years of eighteen-hour days, missed birthdays, sacrificed weekends. Eight years of being the person everyone called when things went catastrophically wrong, the fixer, the closer, the reliable one. And they’d chosen someone else.
The rejection felt physical. Her chest constricted as though someone had wrapped steel bands around her ribcage and was slowly tightening them. The office, usually her sanctuary, suddenly felt like a glass cage, all those windows offering no escape, only reflection after reflection of her own failure.
She’d done everything right. Everything. The taste of her morning coffee turned metallic in her mouth as she remembered the countless times she’d advocated for others, championed their promotions, celebrated their victories. Just last month, she’d recommended Marcus for the senior director role, and he’d got it. She’d written the recommendation that secured Jennifer’s transfer to New York. She’d mentored, supported, advocated.
And when she finally, finally needed something in return? When she’d swallowed her pride and asked the managing partner directly for his support, voice steady despite the vulnerability that felt like standing naked in a blizzard?
“I’ll see what I can do, Aline.”
He’d seen what he could do, all right. He’d done nothing.
The humiliation burned hotter than the rejection. She’d actually believed that competence mattered, that loyalty counted for something, that hard work would be rewarded. How beautifully naive. How utterly foolish.
Her phone buzzed. A text from her sister: “Still on for dinner tomorrow? Can’t wait to celebrate your promotion!” The irony twisted like a knife. Aline’s fingers hovered over the keyboard, but what could she possibly say? That she’d been rejected? That eight years of sacrifice had amounted to precisely nothing? That the future she’d built in her mind had vanished like morning mist?
She pressed her palm against the cool glass window, feeling the city’s pulse forty-two floors below. Down there, people were finishing their ordinary days, heading home to ordinary lives, probably happier than she was with all her supposed success. The scent of her perfume, the same one she’d worn to every important meeting, suddenly made her feel nauseous. Even her own smell felt wrong now, too desperate.
The office was silent except for the hum of the air conditioning and the faint sound of cleaning crews in distant corridors. Everyone else had gone home hours ago. Of course they had. They had lives. Boundaries. She had neither.
Aline opened her desk drawer, looking for paracetamol, anything to dull the pounding in her head. Instead, her fingers found the smooth surface of her leather-bound planner. She pulled it out, flipped to tomorrow’s date. Six meetings, two conference calls, a presentation. The neat handwriting mocked her. So organised. So professional. So utterly pointless.
She wanted to cry, but the tears felt stuck somewhere behind her sternum, hardening into something cold and bitter. Anger? Grief? She couldn’t distinguish anymore. They’d fused into something toxic that filled her chest cavity and made it difficult to breathe properly.
The worst part wasn’t the rejection itself. The worst part was how it had stripped away the story she’d been telling herself for eight years. That she mattered. That she was valued. That she was building something meaningful. Now that story lay in ruins, and she had no idea who she was without it.
Her hand trembled slightly as she reached for her coat. The cashmere felt soft against her fingertips, expensive, a reward she’d bought herself after closing the Masterson deal. Another transaction, another victory, another step towards a partnership that would never materialise.
In the lift descending towards street level, Aline caught her reflection in the polished steel doors. The woman staring back looked hollowed out, as though someone had scooped out her insides and left only the professional shell. Perfectly dressed. Perfectly composed. Perfectly destroyed.
She stepped out into the October evening, the cool air hitting her face like a slap. The city moved around her, indifferent to her pain, to her failure, to the gaping wound in her chest that no one could see but that felt like it might swallow her whole.
Aline Patterson, who barely ever asked for help, who prided herself on her independence, who’d built an entire identity around being the person others relied upon, had finally reached out her hand.
And found nothing there.
Understanding Emotional Injuries: The Wounds We Ignore
If you, for example, who barely ever ask for help, finally are forced by circumstances to reach out and ask for help, only to be refused and rejected, you have been emotionally wounded. You need urgent emotional aid.
The parallel between physical and emotional injuries isn’t mere metaphor, it’s neurological reality. Brain imaging studies reveal that social rejection activates the same neural pathways as physical pain. Your brain literally experiences emotional injury as a threat to survival, triggering cortisol floods and inflammatory responses that can persist for weeks.
Yet whilst we’ve developed sophisticated protocols for physical first aid, we’ve left emotional injuries to fester, treating them as personality weaknesses rather than legitimate medical concerns. This neglect carries consequences that ripple far beyond individual suffering.
In my twenty years as a GP with a particular interest in stress management, I’ve witnessed how untreated emotional injuries compound into chronic conditions: anxiety disorders, depression, substance dependence, cardiovascular disease. The executive who develops hypertension isn’t failing at self-care; they’re experiencing the physiological aftermath of accumulated emotional wounds that never received proper treatment.
Consider the cascade effect. An untreated emotional injury alters your stress response system, making you hypervigilant to future threats. This heightened reactivity affects decision-making, relationships, professional performance. You become the leader who micromanages because betrayal taught you trust is dangerous. The partner who withdraws emotionally because rejection proved vulnerability is foolish. The parent whose own unhealed wounds inadvertently wound their children.
During the years I’ve hosted stress management retreats where professionals walk the Camino de Santiago, I’ve observed a consistent pattern: those who learn emotional first aid don’t merely survive their wounds, they develop a resilience that transforms their entire approach to life’s inevitable difficulties.
The emotional aid protocol is elegantly simple:
Stop what you’re doing. Just as you wouldn’t continue chopping vegetables with a bleeding finger, you cannot process complex emotions whilst maintaining your usual pace. Permission to pause isn’t weakness; it’s wisdom.
Recognise that you’ve been emotionally injured and accept your feelings about the injury without judgment. Whether you’re angry, frustrated, hurt, lost or sad, validating your emotions is the first step towards healing. This isn’t indulgent; it’s diagnostic. You can’t treat a wound you won’t acknowledge exists.
Stem the emotional bleeding, aka rumination, promptly. Dwelling on it, rerunning the incident again and again in your mind, wastes valuable emotional energy that can be used much more effectively to start the emotional healing process. The best way to disrupt unhealthy rumination is to distract yourself by engaging in a task that requires concentration, for example, completing a crossword, even if it’s just for three minutes.
Research from Cambridge University demonstrates that focused distraction for as little as two minutes can interrupt rumination cycles that otherwise persist for hours. This isn’t avoidance; it’s emergency intervention.
Disinfect the wound through processing. Talk to someone you trust. Sharing your feelings with a trustworthy friend or family member can be both therapeutic and cathartic. If appropriate, join a support group. Connecting with others who have experienced similar emotional injuries can validate your feelings and help you cope with the injury. If the emotional injury is severe or persists despite your efforts, seeking help from a therapist can be immensely beneficial.
Over my career, I’ve written eight non-fiction books addressing divorce, loss, unexpected illness, and coping with crises precisely because these universal experiences demand articulation. We need language for our pain, frameworks for our suffering. The thirty-plus testimonials on my website attest not to my brilliance but to the power of proper emotional management.
Protect the healing wound. Focus on activities that nourish your mind, body, and soul. Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and sufficient rest can positively impact your emotional well-being. Writing, especially journalling, or any other creative activity can be a productive way to process emotions and gain new insights. Take care of your emotional health just as you do take care of your physical health.
Prevent future injuries. Set healthy boundaries with people who might be causing or exacerbating emotional injuries. This isn’t cruel; it’s essential. You wouldn’t repeatedly place your hand on a hot stove.
Consider forgiveness when ready. Forgiveness doesn’t mean condoning actions but can free you from carrying the burden of resentment. This is advanced emotional first aid, not an immediate requirement.
Notice emotional injury in others and reach out. A simple text is often enough: “Helping you make it through this dark phase in your life is my priority. I’m here for you, whenever you need me” or “This is a tough time for you. What can I do to help?” Helping others cope with emotional injuries is one of the best ways of learning how to cope better with your own.
The Ripple Effect: How One Person’s Healing Transforms Communities
When Aline finally learned to apply emotional first aid, something remarkable happened. Her healing didn’t just restore her own wellbeing; it catalysed transformation throughout her professional and personal ecosystems.
She recognised that her tendency to overwork stemmed from an unhealed childhood wound of feeling invisible unless she was achieving. Once addressed through proper emotional aid, she began establishing boundaries that initially terrified her. She left work at six. She said no to projects that demanded weekend sacrifices. She stopped checking emails during dinner.
Her team noticed. Initially anxious that her changed behaviour signalled disengagement, they gradually realised they’d been granted permission to do likewise. Productivity actually increased because people arrived rested rather than resentful. Innovation flourished because brains freed from chronic stress could think creatively again.
Aline’s sister, witnessing the transformation, finally addressed her own emotional injuries from a difficult divorce she’d been pretending didn’t affect her. Her healing improved her relationship with her children, who in turn felt safer expressing their own emotional struggles rather than performing constant cheerfulness.
This is how emotional aid transforms communities: one healed person becomes a permission slip for others to acknowledge their own wounds. The executive who admits vulnerability creates a culture where psychological safety becomes possible. The parent who models emotional health raises children who understand feelings aren’t failures.
My stress management retreats on the Camino de Santiago have demonstrated this ripple effect repeatedly. When one participant finally allows themselves to grieve a loss they’ve carried for years, others in the group recognise their own unprocessed grief. The storytelling circles I facilitate with my Friesian horses (Twiss, Kashkin and Zorie) and Falabella horses (Loki and Lito) create spaces where emotional truth becomes not just acceptable but celebrated.
This isn’t therapy; it’s preventative medicine for entire systems.
Further Reading: 5 Unconventional Books on Emotional Aid
“The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk This isn’t a self-help book; it’s a revolution in understanding how trauma lodges in our nervous systems. Van der Kolk’s research demonstrates why emotional injuries can’t be healed through logic alone, essential reading for anyone who’s ever wondered why they “should be over it by now.”
“How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy” by Jenny Odell Odell’s brilliant meditation on attention isn’t obviously about emotional aid, but it addresses the cultural context that prevents us from noticing our emotional injuries: we’re too busy, too distracted, too productive. Healing requires presence, and this book teaches how to reclaim it.
“The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lerner Anger is often the immune response to emotional injury, yet we’re taught to suppress it, especially as professionals. Lerner provides a framework for understanding anger as information rather than character flaw, transformative for anyone who’s been told they’re “too sensitive.”
“Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl Frankl’s account of surviving Auschwitz offers the ultimate perspective on emotional injury and meaning-making. His insights on suffering aren’t platitudes; they’re hard-won wisdom from someone who faced unimaginable wounds and still chose healing.
“Tiny Beautiful Things” by Cheryl Strayed This collection of advice columns is essentially a masterclass in emotional first aid. Strayed’s responses to others’ wounds demonstrate what it looks like to witness pain without minimising it, offering both empathy and practical wisdom.
P.S. My two-day online course, “Road Map to Resilience: From Burnout to Breakthrough,” provides structured guidance for applying these emotional first aid principles to your specific circumstances. It’s not theoretical; it’s practical intervention for people who need results yesterday.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or on the edge of burnout, you need immediate support. The Road Map to Resilience: Burnout to Brilliance online course (with the option of adding coaching sessions) is designed for exactly that: a practical, step-by-step course to help you regain control, rebuild your energy, and find clarity in the chaos. This isn’t a quick fix—it’s about proven strategies to calm your nervous system, shift your mindset, and create sustainable resilience. No need to cope with this on your own—let’s get you back on track.
Testimonials: Moving towards Healing
Sarah M., Corporate Lawyer, Camino Retreat Participant:
“I arrived at Dr Montagu’s Camino retreat convinced I didn’t need help, I just needed a break from work. By the second day of walking, I realised I’d been carrying an emotional injury from a professional betrayal for three years, letting it poison every subsequent relationship. The combination of physical movement, Margaretha’s gentle guidance, and the safety of the group allowed me to finally acknowledge the wound. I learned emotional first aid techniques that I now use regularly. Six months later, I’ve rebuilt trust with colleagues and, more importantly, with myself. The retreat didn’t just help me cope; it gave me tools I’ll use for life.”
Julia T., Entrepreneur, Virtual Storytelling Circle Member:
“Joining Margaretha’s virtual storytelling circles felt indulgent initially, as if I should be doing something more productive. But the practice of articulating my experiences, of being truly heard without judgment or advice, has been profoundly healing. I’ve processed emotional injuries I didn’t even recognise I was carrying. The circle has become a monthly reminder that my emotional health matters as much as my business metrics. It’s connection without performance, vulnerability without risk. I leave each session feeling lighter, clearer, more myself.”
FAQs: Emotional First Aid Essentials
Q: How do I know if I need emotional first aid or if I’m just being overly sensitive?
If you wouldn’t question whether a physical injury needs treatment because someone might think you’re “too sensitive,” apply the same standard to emotional wounds. If it hurts, interferes with functioning, or persists beyond a reasonable timeframe, it requires attention. Pain is information, not character assessment.
Q: What if I don’t have time to properly address an emotional injury right now?
This is like saying you don’t have time to stop bleeding. Untreated emotional injuries consume far more time through decreased productivity, impaired decision-making, and relationship damage than immediate intervention would require. The question isn’t whether you have time; it’s whether you can afford not to make time.
Q: Can emotional first aid really work as quickly as physical first aid?
Some aspects work immediately. Stopping rumination through focused distraction provides relief within minutes. Validating emotions reduces their intensity almost instantly. However, deep healing takes time, just as a serious physical wound requires more than a band-aid. The key is beginning treatment promptly rather than expecting instant cure.
Q: What if the person who caused my emotional injury is someone I can’t avoid, like a boss or family member?
Emotional first aid includes boundary setting as prevention. You can treat the injury whilst simultaneously limiting future exposure. This might mean emotional boundaries (not sharing vulnerable information), structural boundaries (limiting contact to necessary interactions), or strategic boundaries (developing exit plans). Healing doesn’t require forgiveness or continued proximity.
Q: How can I help someone who’s clearly emotionally injured but won’t admit it?
You cannot force treatment, but you can create conditions where it becomes possible. Model emotional honesty yourself. Offer specific, non-judgmental observations: “I’ve noticed you seem stressed lately” rather than “What’s wrong with you?” Provide resources without pressure. Simply being consistently available signals that vulnerability is safe. Sometimes witnessing another’s healing becomes the permission slip someone needs.
Conclusion: The Courage to Heal
Here’s what I’ve learned from twenty years of clinical practice, fifteen years of hosting my Camino retreats for wounded souls, and a lifetime of sustaining and treating emotional injuries: healing requires more courage than enduring does.
It’s easier to maintain the fiction of invulnerability than to acknowledge you’re hurt. Easier to numb than to feel. Easier to soldier on than to stop and treat the wound properly. But easy isn’t the same as wise, and stoicism isn’t the same as strength.
True strength lies in recognising emotional injuries as legitimate medical concerns requiring competent treatment. In stopping the bleeding of rumination before it drains your vitality. In seeking connection rather than isolation when wounded. In understanding that healing isn’t linear, perfect, or quick, but it is possible.
The most radical act available to successful, stressed professionals is treating yourselves with the same compassion you’d offer others. Extending to yourselves the same emergency care you’d provide without hesitation to someone bleeding in front of you.
Your emotional injuries are real. They deserve attention. And you deserve healing.
The wounds no one can see still require treatment. The pain no one else validates still deserves acknowledgment. The healing no one else witnesses still transforms lives.
You wouldn’t ignore a bleeding wound. Don’t ignore a bleeding heart.
An Invitation to Walk Towards Wholeness on the Camino de Santiago
Imagine this: you’re walking through the golden hills of south-west France, the ancient pilgrimage route beneath your feet, centuries of seekers who’ve walked this path before you somehow present in every step. The autumn air carries the scent of ripening grapes and sun-warmed stone. Your mind, usually racing with deadlines and decisions, gradually slows to match your footfall’s rhythm.
This isn’t a holiday. It’s a healing.
My Camino de Santiago Crossroads Retreats offers something our hyperconnected, productivity-obsessed culture makes almost impossible: space to acknowledge your emotional injuries without judgment, time to apply proper emotional first aid, and community to witness your healing.
Over three days of mindful walking, you’ll learn practical emotional aid techniques that work in real life, not just in theory. Morning meditation sessions ground you before the day’s walk. Evening storytelling circles, hosted alongside my Friesian and Falabella horses, create safe spaces where emotional truth becomes not just possible but celebrated. These horses, with their profound capacity for presence, somehow perceive the wounds we carry and offer acceptance without agenda.
The retreat combines structured stress management practices with the organic healing that occurs when you disconnect from constant demands and reconnect with your own rhythms. You’ll walk at your own pace, no pressure to perform or achieve. You’ll eat simple, nourishing food prepared with gratitude. You’ll sleep deeply, perhaps for the first time in months.
Most importantly, you’ll discover that acknowledging your emotional injuries doesn’t diminish your strength; it demonstrates wisdom. That seeking support isn’t weakness; it’s courage. That healing is possible, even for wounds you’ve carried so long you’ve forgotten what wholeness feels like.
This retreat isn’t about escaping your life. It’s about returning to it with tools that actually work, resilience that’s genuine rather than forced, and connection to others who understand that success and struggle aren’t mutually exclusive.
The Camino has witnessed healing for over a thousand years. Perhaps it’s time to add your story to that ancient tradition.
This month’s TED talk, Emotional First Aid by Dr Guy Winch, has had 13,360,748 views and more than 400 000 likes.
Journaling can be a powerful tool for coping with emotional injuries and applying emotional first aid. These journaling prompts can help facilitate emotional healing:
Describe the emotion you are feeling right now. Explore its intensity, triggers, and any physical sensations associated with it.
Write a letter to the person or situation that caused the emotional injury. Express your feelings, but this time, allow yourself to release any anger or resentment you’ve been holding onto.
Make a list of your inner strengths, skills and qualities that have helped you cope with emotional injuries in the past. How can you leverage these strengths to heal from the current emotional injury?
Write down positive affirmations that counteract any negative self-talk or limiting beliefs you may have developed as a result of the emotional injury, ex.
I am worthy of love and acceptance: I recognise that rejection does not define my worth. I am deserving of love and acceptance just as I am.
Rejection does not diminish my value: I acknowledge that rejection is a part of life, and it does not diminish my value as a person. I am still valuable and deserving of support.
I release the need for external validation: I no longer seek validation from others to define my self-worth. I love and accept myself unconditionally. I am good enough, regardless of any rejections I may face.
I let go of past rejections: I release the grip of past rejections on my emotions and thoughts. I am free to embrace new opportunities and experiences. Rejection may shake me, but it will not break me.
I am not defined by others’ opinions of me: I let go of the need to please everyone or to be universally liked. I am defined by my own values and beliefs.
Journaling regularly can help you gain insight into your emotions. If you find that emotional injuries are significantly impacting your daily life, seeking support from a mental health professional is essential for further guidance and assistance.
Pay attention to yourself and learn how you, personally, deal with common emotional wounds. For instance, do you shrug them off, get really upset but recover quickly, get upset and recover slowly, squelch your feelings, or …? Use this analysis to help yourself understand which emotional first aid treatments work best for you in various situations (just as you would identify which of the many pain relievers on the shelves works best for you). The same goes for building emotional resilience. Try out various techniques and figure out which are easiest for you to implement and which tend to be most effective for you. – Dr Guy Winch
Firm Foundations for Your FutureProtocol– a fast-paced, high-impact, future-focused course that facilitates the construction of identity-shaping stories about your future self so that you can make the changes needed to avoid having to go through big life changes again and again—without needing to process your past in depth and in detail.
Author Bio: Dr Margaretha Montagu – described as a “game changer”, “gifted healer”, “guiding light” and “life-enriching author” – is an experienced medical doctor, a certified NLP practitioner, a medical hypnotherapist, an equine-assisted psychotherapist (EAGALAcertified) and a transformational retreat leader who guides her clients through life transitions – virtually, or with the assistance of her Friesian and Falabella horses, at their home in the southwest of France.
Ever wonder why Mondays feel like such a drag? You’re definitely not alone! There are actually a few reasons why Mondays can be so tough:
Weekend Bliss Contrast: Think about it – weekends are usually about relaxing, fun activities, and breaking away from the routine. This sudden shift to structure on Monday can feel like a rude awakening!
Sleep Schedule Disruption: Many of us tend to sleep in later on weekends to catch up on rest. This can throw off our body’s natural sleep-wake cycle, making it harder to wake up early and feel energised on Monday.
The “Sunday Scaries”: Some people experience anxiety or stress on Sunday evenings, often dubbed the “Sunday Scaries,” as they anticipate the upcoming work week. This can carry over into Monday morning.
Workload Buildup: Sometimes, things pile up over the weekend, and you return to a mountain of tasks on Monday. This can feel overwhelming and contribute to the Monday blues.
So, it’s a combination of factors that makes Mondays feel particularly challenging. But hey, knowing why it happens can be the first step to tackling those Monday blues!
I’m still trying to help you (and me!) get through Mondays, and not only get through Mondays, but make Mondays a bit more MEANINGFUL.
I like to set myself challenges.
Monday mornings can be seriously depressing, I know…just for a moment, though, let’s look upon this Monday as a fresh start, a day to set one or more intentions, and embrace new opportunities. I make my Mondays more meaningful by combining two powerful practices: drinking coffee and journaling. This dynamic duo can help you start your day, and your week, with a certain amount of determination.
Making Mondays more meaningful can bring a ton of positive changes to your work week! Think of it this way:
Boosted mood and positivity: Starting the week with a positive intention and focusing on the good stuff can seriously lift your spirits. It sets a brighter tone for the entire week.
Increased motivation: When you feel like what you’re doing has a purpose, you’re way more likely to be motivated to tackle your goals.
Enhanced productivity: A meaningful Monday can sharpen your focus and direct your energy towards achieving what you want.
Greater resilience: By reinforcing positive beliefs, you build mental toughness to handle the week’s inevitable ups and downs.
Improved sense of coherence: Routines that add meaning to your life, when practised consistently, can help you make sense of life events. This applies to both your work life and personal life.
More engaged and valued team: In a work setting, when team members feel their opinions matter and their contributions are unique, it leads to a more connected and motivated team.
Reduced stress: Focusing on what you can control and using positive affirmations can minimize stress and increase productivity.
Basically, injecting some meaning into your Mondays can transform your whole outlook, making the week feel less like a chore and more like an opportunity.
So, grab your favourite mug, fill it with your best brew, find a cosy spot, and let’s explore how coffee and journaling can transform your Monday mornings.
But first, I’d like you to meet Clara.
In the quiet town of Meadowgrove, nestled between rolling hills and a whispering river, lived a woman named Clara. At forty-two, Clara had a life that was comfortable and predictable, but she yearned for something more—a sense of purpose and joy to infuse into her weekly routine, especially on Mondays.
Mondays had always been a challenge for Clara. The weekend’s relaxation would give way to the humdrum of the workweek, and she often found herself counting down the days until Friday. One crisp autumn morning, as she sipped her usual cup of coffee, she decided that enough was enough. She would make Mondays meaningful.
Clara began by setting her alarm a little earlier than usual. Instead of rushing through her morning routine, she took her time, savouring the quiet moments before the day truly began. She brewed her coffee with extra care, grinding the beans herself and enjoying the rich aroma that filled her kitchen. She chose a special mug, one with a quirky design that always made her smile, and settled into her favourite chair by the window.
With her coffee in hand, Clara opened a beautiful leather-bound journal she had bought years ago but never used. The pages were crisp and inviting, ready to hold her thoughts and dreams. She decided to start with gratitude, jotting down three things she was thankful for from the past week. It could be anything—the laughter shared with a friend, the beauty of a sunset, or the comfort of a good book.
As she wrote, Clara found that her mind began to clear, and her heart felt lighter. She then moved on to her intentions for the week ahead. What did she want to achieve? Who did she want to connect with? What small steps could she take towards her bigger goals? Writing these down made them feel more real, more achievable.
Over time, Clara’s Monday morning ritual became a sacred space for reflection and growth. She looked forward to the quiet moments with her coffee and journal, where she could be honest with herself about her feelings, her fears, and her hopes. She found that this simple practice had a ripple effect throughout her week, making her more mindful and present in her daily life.
One Monday, as Clara sat with her journal, she wrote about a long-held dream to start a community garden in Meadowgrove. She had always loved gardening but had never taken the leap to share her passion with others. With a newfound sense of purpose, she decided to take action. She reached out to her neighbours, shared her vision, and before she knew it, a group of enthusiastic volunteers had come together to bring the garden to life.
The community garden became a symbol of Clara’s transformation. What had started as a simple desire to make Mondays more meaningful had blossomed into a project that brought joy and connection to her entire community. Clara’s journals filled with stories of new friendships, shared harvests, and the simple pleasures of watching something grow from a tiny seed.
And so, Clara’s Mondays became a day of renewal and possibility. With each cup of coffee and every page filled in her journal, she discovered that meaning could be found in the smallest of moments, and that every day held the potential for something beautiful to begin.
Coffee is my Essential Monday Morning Fuel There’s something magical about that first sip of coffee in the morning, any morning, but especially Monday mornings. Beyond its invigorating smell and taste, coffee can provide a powerful boost of energy that can jumpstart your day. The caffeine can stimulate your mind, help you focus, and make you more alert, setting the stage for a (surprisingly) productive Monday. As you savour each sip, MINDFULLY, allow yourself to become fully present and appreciative of the moment and the potential this Monday holds.
Dispel the Monday Morning Blues Journaling can bring loads of interesting insights, so as you sit down with your coffee, take a few moments to write a couple of words in your journal. What and who are you grateful for this Monday morning? This act of putting pen to paper/fingers on keyboards, helps you set intentions for the day, acknowledge your emotions, and gain perspective on what actually matters to you:
Monday Morning Prompt: What are three intentions you want to set for yourself this Monday? How can these intentions positively impact your day, your week, and your overall sense of fulfilment? Take a few moments to write them down and explore why they are important to you. Consider how you can align your actions, mindset, and priorities with these intentions to create a truly meaningful Monday.
Grab another Cup if you are still not properly awake and write some morning pages. A popular form of journaling, writing morning pages is a concept introduced by Julia Cameron in her book “The Artist’s Way.” Morning Pages involve writing three pages of stream-of-consciousness thoughts, without any censorship or judgment. This practice helps clear mental clutter, unleashes creativity, and allows you to explore your innermost desires. More about Morning Pages.
Go to a Coffee Shop If you have difficulty waking up on Monday mornings, take it slow. Create your own Monday Morning ritual. Visit a local coffee shop. The ambient noise, gentle chatter, and cosy atmosphere can provide a soothing backdrop for your creativity (as in problem-solving ability) to flourish. Coffee shops also offer a sense of community, giving you the opportunity to connect with fellow coffee enthusiasts or observe the bustling Monday morning routines of others, sparking new ideas for your own. Find out how to unlock the transformative power of Journaling.
By dedicating this time to yourself at the beginning of the week, you’ll set a positive tone that can carry you through the rest of the day, and even the rest of the week.
Ready for a retreat? Do you dream of escaping your stressful life to raise a herd of goats or grow sunflowers in the south of France? Then you may be ready for an Esprit Meraki retreat. Get access to this “very serious” quiz to help you figure out how urgent your need for a change of scenery is when you subscribe to my monthly newsletter.
“I am an experienced medical doctor – MBChB, MRCGP, NLP master pract cert, Transformational Life Coach (dip.) Life Story Coach (cert.) Stress Counselling (cert.) Med Hypnotherapy (dip.) and EAGALA (cert.) I may have an impressive number of letters after my name, and more than three decades of professional experience, but what qualifies me to excel at what I do is my intuitive understanding of my clients’ difficulties and my extensive personal experience of managing major life changes using strategies I developed over many years.” Dr M Montagu
Cultivate Physical and Mental Wellbeing this Summer
Good morning! I wish each and every one of you un très bon Dimanche!
It’s FINALLY summer here in the southwest of France – we had one last horrendous storm on Wednesday night – but now the sun is shining with all its might, and temperatures are soaring into the low thirties.
Now that summer’s here, I’m determined to make the most of this until-now-elusive season.
It finally arrived with its golden promise of long sun-drenched days, and the intoxicating sense that anything is possible. Yet how often do we let these precious months slip through our fingers like sand, reaching September with only a vague memory of what could have been the most vibrant season of the year?
This year can be different. This year, you can manifest a summer that doesn’t just happen to you, but one that you consciously create through the powerful practice of manifestation journaling.
Why Summer is the Perfect Season for Manifestation
There’s something undeniably magical about summer. The abundance of sunlight naturally elevates our mood, our energy expands, and we feel more open to possibility. This heightened state makes summer the ideal season to harness the power of manifestation journaling.
When we journal with intention during these warmer months, we’re not just recording our days or making wish lists. We’re actively engaging our brain’s Reticular Activating System (RAS), that remarkable filter that helps us notice opportunities aligned with our goals. By consistently writing about our summer dreams and desires, we train our minds to recognize and seize the moments that will make those dreams reality.
Think of manifestation journaling as creating a detailed blueprint for your ideal summer. The more specific and vivid your vision, the more your subconscious mind can work to bring it into being. You’re not leaving your summer to chance; you’re becoming an active architect of your experience.
The Science Behind Manifestation Journaling
As a scientist and someone who has maintained a gratitude journal for over a decade, I’ve come to understand that manifestation isn’t magic or wishful thinking. It’s rooted in how our brains process and prioritise information.
Your RAS constantly filters the overwhelming amount of data bombarding your senses, highlighting what it deems important based on your focus and intentions. When you regularly journal about your goals, dreams, and desired experiences, you’re essentially programming your RAS to notice opportunities that align with those aspirations.
This is why people who write down their goals are significantly more likely to achieve them. The act of writing creates neural pathways, reinforces commitment, and keeps your intentions at the forefront of your consciousness. Coupled with the reflective nature of journaling, you create a powerful tool for personal transformation.
Setting Up Your Summer Manifestation Journal
Before you dive into the prompts, let’s set up your journal for success.
Choose Your Medium: Whether you prefer a beautiful leather-bound notebook, a colorful spiral journal, or a digital app, select something that calls to you. Your journal should be inviting enough that you actually want to use it daily.
Create a Ritual: Establish a consistent time and place for your journaling practice. Perhaps it’s with your morning coffee on the patio, or during a quiet evening moment before sunset. Consistency activates the habit-forming pathways in your brain, making manifestation journaling second nature.
Set Your Intention: Begin with clarity about what you want from this summer. Is it deeper connections? Creative breakthroughs? Physical vitality? Adventure? Rest? There’s no wrong answer, only your authentic desires.
Write in Present Tense: This is crucial. Write as if your desired reality is already unfolding. Instead of “I want to feel more energized,” write “I am vibrant and energized, making the most of each summer day.”
Your Summer Manifestation Journaling Prompts
Use these prompts to explore, clarify, and manifest your dream summer. You don’t need to answer all of them in one sitting; let them guide you throughout the season.
Vision and Clarity Prompts
What does my ideal summer look and feel like? Describe it in vivid sensory detail. What do you see, hear, smell, taste, and touch in your perfect summer day?
If this were my best summer ever, what would I be doing regularly? Think about activities, habits, and experiences that would make this season truly memorable.
What emotions do I want to cultivate this summer? Joy, peace, excitement, contentment, passion? Name them and explore why they matter to you.
How do I want to feel at the end of summer when I look back? What sense of accomplishment, joy, or fulfillment would make this season complete?
Relationship and Connection Prompts
What kind of connections do I want to nurture this summer? Consider family, friends, romantic relationships, or even your relationship with yourself.
How can I show up as my best self in my relationships this summer? What qualities or behaviors would strengthen your connections?
Who do I want to spend more time with, and doing what? Get specific about people and activities that light you up.
What new friendships or communities might enrich my summer? Where might you find your people?
Growth and Development Prompts
What skill or knowledge do I want to develop this summer? Perhaps there’s a creative pursuit, physical skill, or intellectual interest calling to you.
What limiting belief am I ready to release this summer? What story about yourself no longer serves you?
How am I committing to my personal growth this summer? What practices, habits, or experiences will support your evolution?
What does success look like for me this summer? Define it on your own terms, not society’s expectations.
Adventure and Experience Prompts
What adventure is my soul craving this summer? Big or small, what would make you feel truly alive?
If I could do anything without fear or limitation, what would I do this summer? Let yourself dream without constraints.
What new experiences do I want to say yes to? Where can you step outside your comfort zone?
How can I bring more spontaneity and play into my summer? What would help you recapture childlike joy?
Rest and Restoration Prompts
How do I need to rest and recharge this summer? What does true restoration look like for you?
What boundaries do I need to set to protect my summer energy? Where might you need to say no to create space for your yes?
What practices will help me stay grounded and present? Meditation, nature walks, journaling itself?
How can I honor my body’s needs this summer? Consider sleep, movement, nourishment, and sensory pleasure.
Purpose and Contribution Prompts
How do I want to contribute or give back this summer? How might your gifts serve others?
What legacy or impact do I want this summer to have? What will you create or change?
What brings me the deepest sense of meaning and purpose? How can you weave more of this into your summer days?
Gratitude and Abundance Prompts
What am I already grateful for as summer begins? Start from a place of appreciation for what is.
What abundance already exists in my life? Look beyond material wealth to relationships, health, opportunities, and beauty.
How can I cultivate a mindset of abundance this summer? What practices support you in seeing life’s fullness?
10 Non-Fiction Books That Make Perfect Summer Reads
Summer reading isn’t just for fiction. These non-fiction gems offer the perfect blend of insight, inspiration, and practical wisdom to complement your manifestation journey. Whether you’re lounging by the pool, nestled in a hammock, or enjoying a quiet moment on your patio, these books will enrich your summer and perhaps even transform your life.
1. “Atomic Habits” by James Clear
If you’re committed to creating meaningful change this summer, this is your essential guide. Clear breaks down the science of habit formation into actionable strategies that work. What makes this book perfect for summer is its emphasis on small, sustainable changes rather than overwhelming transformation. You’ll learn how to build the daily practices that turn your summer intentions into lasting reality. The book’s clear structure and engaging examples make it easy to read in short bursts between summer activities.
2. “The Artist’s Way” by Julia Cameron
Summer’s expansive energy is ideal for creative exploration, making this classic creativity guide perfect for the season. Cameron’s twelve-week program of Morning Pages and Artist Dates can transform your relationship with your own creativity. Even if you don’t consider yourself an artist, this book will help you tap into your authentic self and release creative blocks. Many readers find that working through this book during summer, when life often feels less constrained, leads to breakthrough moments.
3. “When Things Fall Apart” by Pema Chödrön
This Buddhist nun’s wisdom about embracing uncertainty and finding peace in chaos offers profound comfort and guidance. While it might seem counterintuitive as summer reading, the book’s gentle, contemplative pace pairs beautifully with quiet moments of summer reflection. Chödrön teaches us how to stay present and grounded even when life feels turbulent, skills that serve us regardless of season. Her compassionate voice feels like a wise friend accompanying you through your summer growth.
4. “Big Magic” by Elizabeth Gilbert
Gilbert’s love letter to creative living is pure summer joy in book form. She explores how to live a life driven by curiosity rather than fear, making this ideal reading for anyone wanting to infuse their summer with more courage and creativity. The book is structured in short, digestible sections perfect for beach reading or lunch breaks. Gilbert’s warm, conversational tone and personal stories make this feel less like self-help and more like an inspiring conversation with a friend.
This exploration of how nature improves our health and happiness will send you running outdoors with new appreciation. Williams combines scientific research with personal narrative, revealing why time in nature is so restorative. Reading this during summer when outdoor access is easiest will motivate you to spend more time connecting with the natural world. It’s the perfect book to inspire more hiking, gardening, forest bathing, or simply sitting under trees.
6. “Rest” by Alex Soojung-Kim Pang
In our productivity-obsessed culture, this book makes a revolutionary argument: rest isn’t the enemy of achievement but its essential partner. Pang draws on scientific research and the lives of accomplished individuals to show how deliberate rest actually enhances creativity and productivity. Summer, with its invitation to slow down, is the perfect time to absorb and implement these ideas. You’ll finish this book with permission to prioritize rest without guilt.
7. “The Joy of Movement” by Kelly McGonigal
McGonigal, a health psychologist, reveals how physical movement is inseparable from joy, meaning, and connection. This isn’t a fitness book demanding you punish your body; instead, it celebrates how movement in any form enhances our lives. Summer’s warm weather naturally invites more activity, making this ideal seasonal reading. You’ll be inspired to dance, swim, walk, or move in whatever way brings you pleasure.
8. “How to Do Nothing” by Jenny Odell
This brilliant critique of the attention economy argues for reclaiming our time, attention, and lives from constant connectivity. Odell’s book is both philosophical and practical, offering a framework for resistance against the demands of productivity culture. Summer is when many of us crave more unstructured time, making this the perfect season to embrace doing nothing as a radical act. Her examples of bioregionalism and deep attention to place will transform how you experience your summer surroundings.
9. “The Comfort Book” by Matt Haig
Haig’s collection of short essays, notes, and reflections offers comfort and perspective on life’s challenges. The book’s structure makes it perfect for dipping in and out of throughout summer, reading one piece at a time. His honest exploration of anxiety, depression, and finding reasons to stay alive resonates deeply while maintaining warmth and hope. Keep this by your bedside for moments when you need gentle encouragement or a shift in perspective.
10. “Braiding Sweetgrass” by Robin Wall Kimmerer
This stunning blend of indigenous wisdom, scientific knowledge, and personal narrative explores our relationship with the natural world. Kimmerer, a botanist and member of the Citizen Potawatomi Nation, writes with such beauty and insight that every page feels like a gift. Summer is the season of growth and abundance, making this the perfect time to absorb her teachings about reciprocity, gratitude, and living in harmony with nature. This book will forever change how you see the plants and landscapes around you.
Bringing It All Together: Your Summer Manifestation Journaling Practice
Manifestation isn’t passive wishing; it’s the combination of clarity, intention, aligned action, and openness to possibility. Your summer journal becomes the container where all these elements come together.
As you work through the prompts and perhaps integrate insights from your summer reading, remember that manifestation works best when paired with action. Notice the opportunities your heightened awareness reveals, and have the courage to act on them.
Track your progress throughout the summer. Celebrate the small wins, the unexpected delights, the moments when synchronicity shows up. When challenges arise, use your journal to process them and realign with your intentions.
Most importantly, give yourself permission to adjust your vision as summer unfolds. Manifestation isn’t about rigidly controlling outcomes; it’s about co-creating with life, staying open to possibilities even better than what you originally imagined.
An Invitation
If this summer journaling journey calls to you, imagine what might be possible if you dedicated extended time to the practice of reading, reflecting, and restoring yourself.
I invite you to consider joining me at the Book Lovers’ Binge Reading Retreatin the sun-blessed southwest of France. This five-day sanctuary is designed for readers and reflective souls who crave uninterrupted time with their books, their thoughts, and themselves.
Picture yourself curled in a comfortable chair with natural light streaming through windows, surrounded by rolling Gascon vineyards, with nothing on your agenda except reading, walking peaceful stretches of the Camino de Santiago, and savoring delicious home-cooked meals. You can journal in the garden, by the fireplace, or in your cozy bedroom in my lovingly restored 200-year-old French farmhouse.
This isn’t a structured workshop with rigid schedules; it’s a gift of spaciousness where you finally have permission to read, rest, and reflect without guilt. Many guests bring their manifestation journals and find that the peaceful environment and supportive community accelerate their personal growth and clarity.
Whether you come solo seeking solitude or wish to connect with fellow book lovers, you’ll find exactly what your soul needs. The retreat operates monthly from March through November, with both five-day and seven-day options available.
This summer can be different. This summer can be the one where you stop hoping for a magical season and start creating it, one journal entry at a time.
Your perfect summer is waiting in the pages of your journal, ready to be discovered, articulated, and manifested. The prompts above are your starting point, but the real magic happens in your unique expression of desire, your honest reflection, and your willingness to align your actions with your dreams.
So grab your journal, find a comfortable spot where summer surrounds you, and begin. Your dream season is calling, and it’s time to answer.
If you haven’t decided yet, how about responding to a couple of the prompts above?
Wishing you a sun-drenched summer,
Dr. Margaretha Montagu is a eight-time published author, transformational life coach, and host of retreats in the southwest of France. She combines her medical background with expertise in NLP, coaching, and mindfulness to help people create meaningful change in their lives. When she’s not writing or hosting retreats, you’ll find her with her nose in a book or walking the Camino de Santiago.
You’ve built something meaningful. And yet, you’re scanning every meeting, every social gathering, every interaction for proof that you don’t belong. An imposter. Out of place. Here’s the uncomfortable truth: if you’re determined to find evidence you don’t belong, you’ll find it everywhere. Your brilliant, accomplished brain will turn every overlooked email, every awkward pause, every perceived slight into ammunition against yourself. This article isn’t about toxic positivity or pretending that belonging crises don’t exist. It’s about understanding why successful people are often the most skilled at prosecuting their own inadequacy—and what to do when you catch yourself building a case you were never meant to win.
Recommended TED talk of the month
This article is based on Bréné Brown’s The power of vulnerability – it is such a powerful message that I felt compelled to share part of it there.
So many of the things she says resonate strongly, in this video and in her book Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone :
“True belonging is not passive. It’s not the belonging that comes with just joining a group. It’s not fitting in or pretending or selling out because it’s safer. It’s a practice that requires us to be vulnerable, get uncomfortable, and learn how to be present with people without sacrificing who we are. We want true belonging, but it takes tremendous courage to knowingly walk into hard moments.”
“True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being a part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”
And here is a reminder of what Braving stands for: B boundaries R reliability A accountability V vault I integrity N non-judgement G generosity
5 Key Takeaways for the Time-Starved
Your brain’s negativity bias is a feature, not a bug—but when misdirected, it turns normal social dynamics into evidence of your inadequacy.
Belonging isn’t found; it’s created—and high-achievers have a unique opportunity to curate communities based on authenticity, not performance.
The stories you tell yourself become your reality—and you’re currently narrating a tragedy when you could be writing an adventure.
Vulnerability is the executive superpower no one taught you—admitting you’re struggling with belonging strengthens rather than weakens your authority.
Purpose doesn’t depend on external validation—it emerges when you stop auditioning for approval and start acting from your core values.
Introduction: The Search Party for Evidence of Your Own Irrelevance
You’ve spent decades building something magnificent. A career that matters. A reputation that precedes you. Relationships that enrich your life. And now, standing in a conference room, at a dinner party, or scrolling through LinkedIn at midnight, you’re conducting an investigation worthy of a forensic accountant—except you’re gathering evidence for your own insignificance.
Did your colleague forget to copy you on that email? Evidence.
Did the conversation shift when you entered the room? Evidence.
Did someone younger get the project you wanted? More evidence.
Welcome to the high-achiever’s paradox: you’ve built genuine success, yet somehow you’ve convinced yourself you’re auditioning for a role in your own life—and failing the screen test.
Here’s what nobody tells you about belonging: the crisis isn’t about whether you actually fit in. It’s about the stories you’re telling yourself whilst you’re there. And if those stories sound like a prosecutor building a case against your worth, it’s time we talked.
I’m Dr Margaretha Montagu—MBChB, MRCGP, NLP master practitioner, and medical hypnotherapist—and I’ve spent 20 years helping stressed executives and professionals navigate life’s crucibles, from unexpected illness to divorce to the peculiar loneliness that can accompany success. Over 15 years of hosting stress management retreats where guests walk the Camino de Santiago, and through 8 non-fiction books on coping with crises, I’ve observed a pattern: high-achievers are spectacularly good at finding evidence for whatever they’re looking for. When you’re looking for market opportunities, you find them. When you’re looking for operational inefficiencies, you spot them. And when you’re looking for proof you don’t belong? Well, you’ll find that too.
The question isn’t whether evidence exists. The question is: why have you hired yourself as prosecutor instead of defence counsel?
Amanda’s Story: The Woman Who Collected Proof
Amanda Stevens first noticed it at the quarterly board meeting.
She’d prepared meticulously, as always—the presentation polished, the financials watertight, her navy suit pressed with military precision. But as she clicked through her slides, she caught it: a micro-expression from James, the new CFO. Was that a smirk? Her throat tightened. She stumbled over a statistic she could usually recite in her sleep.
The meeting room suddenly felt vast. The recycled air tasted metallic, catching in her chest. She could hear the clock above the door ticking—or was that her heartbeat? The leather chair creaked as she shifted, and she was certain everyone noticed. The projector’s hum seemed accusatory. Her fingers, resting on the mahogany table, looked somehow exposed. Vulnerable.
She powered through, but the damage was done. In her mind, she’d filed it away: Evidence Item #1: They think I don’t belong here.
The pattern accelerated. At the industry conference, she introduced herself to a group discussing emerging markets. The conversation continued, but she felt it—that imperceptible shift in energy. Were they merely being polite? Evidence Item #2. At dinner with her husband’s colleagues, someone referenced a cultural moment she’d missed. She saw the glances. Evidence Item #3. Her assistant suggested a new project management system “that everyone’s using now.” The implication hung unspoken: You’re behind.Item #4.
Within three months, Amanda had compiled an impressive dossier. She’d become a barrister arguing for her own inadequacy, and she was winning every case.
The evidence manifested physically. Her shoulders hunched slightly when entering rooms. She second-guessed comments before making them, tasting the words for potential judgment before releasing them into the air. She touched her hair more, adjusted her clothes, checked her phone—physical tells of someone convinced they were being evaluated and found wanting.
At a client dinner, she ordered what the host ordered, rather than what she actually wanted. The Dover sole arrived, smelling of butter and lemon, but she barely tasted it. She was too busy monitoring—reading micro-expressions, tracking conversational flows, gathering more evidence. The restaurant’s ambient jazz felt too loud, too obvious. She was performing belonging rather than experiencing it.
Then came the evening that changed everything.
She was preparing for a keynote speech—a significant honour in her industry. She opened an old file on her laptop, searching for statistics. Instead, she found a folder of testimonials from people she’d mentored over the years. Emails. Cards. LinkedIn messages.
One stopped her cold. From Marcus, now a CEO himself: “Amanda, you taught me that leadership isn’t about having all the answers. It’s about asking the right questions. You belonged in every room because you brought your whole self—doubts included. That authenticity changed my career.”
She read it again. The words on the screen blurred slightly. She could smell the coffee growing cold beside her laptop, feel the rough texture of the old cardigan she wore when working from home—the one she’d never wear to the office because it wasn’t “professional” enough.
You belonged in every room because you brought your whole self.
When had she stopped doing that?
She thought about the board meeting. The real issue wasn’t James’s expression—which she’d likely misread. It was that she’d been so busy monitoring for signs of rejection that she’d disconnected from her own expertise. She’d brought a performance of Amanda rather than Amanda herself.
The conference conversation. She’d interpreted politeness as dismissal because she’d entered the group already convinced she was an outsider. Her discomfort had created a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The pattern became clear. She wasn’t finding evidence that she didn’t belong. She was creating it—through her own disconnection, her own self-surveillance, her own refusal to show up authentically.
At her next board meeting, she tried something radical. She brought herself. When she didn’t know an answer, she said so. When someone referenced something unfamiliar, she asked about it with genuine curiosity rather than shame. She let her enthusiasm for a new initiative show, even though it made her voice pitch higher with excitement—something she’d trained herself to control years ago.
Afterwards, James approached her. “That was refreshing,” he said. “Most people here are so guarded. It’s nice to see someone actually engage.”
Amanda smiled. Not the professional smile she’d perfected. A real one, that reached her eyes and made the skin crinkle at the corners.
She’d spent months collecting evidence of her inadequacy. Now she was discovering something else: belonging isn’t something you find. It’s something you create, by choosing to stop prosecuting yourself and start showing up.
In my storytelling circles, I’ve witnessed this transformation dozens of times. When we invite participants to share authentic stories—not curated versions of themselves—the room shifts. Shoulders drop. Breath deepens. People stop performing and start connecting. That’s where true belonging lives: in the vulnerable spaces between perfectly constructed narratives.
The Belonging Crisis
The question “Don’t walk through the world looking for evidence that you don’t belong, you’ll find it” speaks to something profound about human psychology and, paradoxically, about success itself.
The Neuroscience of Not Belonging
Our brains evolved with a powerful negativity bias—a survival mechanism that prioritised spotting threats over appreciating safety. In ancestral environments, the person who noticed the rustling grass (potential predator) survived more often than the person who admired the sunset. This bias remains hardwired.
For high-achievers, this mechanism often misfires spectacularly. Your accomplished brain, trained to identify problems and solve them, turns that analytical prowess inward. You become extraordinarily skilled at pattern recognition—but the patterns you recognise confirm your fears rather than your strengths.
When you walk into a room believing you might not belong, your reticular activating system—the brain’s attention filter—begins scanning specifically for confirming evidence. Neutral expressions become judgmental. Normal conversational pauses become pointed silences. Typical professional distance becomes personal rejection.
This isn’t weakness. It’s your brain doing exactly what you’ve trained it to do: find what you’re looking for.
The Achievement Paradox
Successful professionals face a unique belonging challenge. You’ve often achieved success by being hyper-aware of gaps—in markets, in strategies, in your own knowledge. This skill, so valuable professionally, becomes toxic when applied to social belonging.
Moreover, success can create isolation. As you advance, peer groups shrink. The vulnerability that creates genuine connection feels increasingly risky when you’re supposed to project authority. You become skilled at professional persona-management—so skilled that you forget how to simply be yourself.
Through my 15 years hosting Camino de Santiago retreats, I’ve observed a consistent pattern: executives and professionals arrive wearing their accomplishments like armour. They introduce themselves with titles and achievements. They perform competence even when learning to navigate unfamiliar terrain.
Then, usually around day three, something shifts. Someone admits they’re struggling with a blister. Another confesses they’re terrified of what they’ll return to. Someone else shares a story about failure rather than success. The armour cracks. And in those cracks, belonging grows.
The Storytelling Connection
Humans are narrative creatures. We don’t experience reality directly; we experience the stories we tell ourselves about reality. When you narrate your life as a story of not belonging, you unconsciously seek plot points that confirm that narrative.
Consider Amanda’s story. The “evidence” she collected—a facial expression, a conversational shift, a suggestion about new technology—was narratively neutral. These moments became “evidence” only because she was writing a story called “I Don’t Belong.” Had she been writing a different story—”I’m Learning and Growing” or “I’m Navigating New Challenges”—the same events would have different meanings entirely.
This is why my storytelling circles prove so transformative. When participants hear others’ authentic stories, they recognise their own narrative patterns. They see how they’ve been curating their life story to prove a point—often a point that diminishes them.
The power of reframing isn’t about positive thinking. It’s about recognising you’re already writing fiction. The question is whether you’re writing tragedy or adventure.
The Social Architecture of Belonging
Belonging isn’t passive. It’s not something bestowed upon you by others’ acceptance. It’s actively created through three key practices:
Authentic self-presentation: Bringing your actual self—doubts, enthusiasms, quirks included—rather than a carefully curated version designed to pre-empt judgment.
Generous interpretation: Choosing to interpret ambiguous social cues through a lens of curiosity rather than fear. That colleague who didn’t greet you warmly might be distracted, tired, or dealing with their own insecurities—not judging you.
Contribution from core values: Belonging deepens when you contribute what matters to you, rather than what you think others expect. When you show up aligned with your values, you attract genuine connection rather than performing for approval.
With over 40 guest testimonials on my website from retreat participants and clients who’ve navigated these challenges, one theme recurs: belonging emerged when they stopped trying to deserve it and simply claimed it.
Why This Matters Beyond the Individual
The belonging crisis among successful professionals isn’t merely personal—it’s cultural and organisational. When leaders feel they must perform belonging rather than experience it, they create workplace cultures where everyone else must do the same. Authenticity becomes risk. Vulnerability becomes weakness. Connection becomes transactional.
This creates organisations where everyone is performing, no one is connecting, and innovation suffers. Because genuine innovation requires the psychological safety to propose ideas that might fail, to admit confusion, to ask “stupid” questions. When belonging feels conditional on flawless performance, creativity dies.
The professionals who break this pattern—who model authentic self-presentation despite insecurity—transform entire cultures. They give others permission to stop prosecuting themselves. They create spaces where belonging becomes about contribution rather than perfection.
This is why addressing your own belonging crisis isn’t self-indulgent. It’s leadership. It’s changing the story—not just yours, but everyone’s who watches how you show up.
A Powerful Writing Prompt
These prompts are designed to help you examine your own patterns of evidence-gathering and rewrite your belonging narrative:
Prompt The Evidence Dossier
Time needed: 20 minutes
Create two columns on a page. Label the left “Evidence I Don’t Belong” and the right “Alternative Interpretations.”
In the left column, list specific instances where you felt you didn’t belong. Be concrete: what happened, where, when, who was involved. Notice sensory details—what you saw, heard, felt.
Now, in the right column, write at least three alternative interpretations for each piece of “evidence.” Force yourself to imagine neutral or positive explanations. That colleague who didn’t make eye contact might have been preoccupied with a sick child. That awkward pause might have been thoughtful consideration, not judgment.
The goal isn’t to convince yourself the positive interpretations are “true”—it’s to recognise that your negative interpretations aren’t definitively true either. You’re always interpreting. The question is whether your interpretations serve you.
Further Reading: Five Unconventional Books on Belonging
These aren’t the typical self-help books you’d expect. Each offers a distinctive lens on belonging that challenges conventional wisdom:
1. “The Art of Gathering” by Priya Parker
Why this book: Most belonging books focus on how to fit into existing structures. Parker flips this, exploring how we create the spaces where belonging happens. As someone who’s led people to gather around vulnerable storytelling for years, I find her framework revolutionary: belonging isn’t about you adapting to others’ spaces—it’s about creating spaces where authentic connection becomes inevitable. For executives who feel they don’t belong, this book offers an unexpected solution: stop trying to fit in and start creating gatherings aligned with your values.
2. “Man’s Search for Meaning” by Viktor Frankl
Why this book: Frankl, surviving Nazi concentration camps, discovered that belonging isn’t about external circumstances—it’s about meaning. In the most belonging-hostile environment imaginable, those who found purpose survived psychologically. For high-achievers struggling with belonging, this book offers crucial perspective: you’re seeking belonging in the wrong place. When you’re contributing something meaningful, belonging becomes a byproduct rather than a goal. Frankl’s logotherapy principles have profoundly influenced my approach to stress management and crisis navigation.
Why this book: Brown’s research confirms what I’ve observed in countless storytelling circles: belonging requires vulnerability, which requires accepting imperfection. For professionals trained to project competence, this is revolutionary and terrifying. Brown doesn’t offer easy answers—she challenges the perfectionism that blocks genuine connection. Her exploration of shame and worthiness speaks directly to the belonging crisis among successful people who believe they must earn the right to belong.
4. “Finite and Infinite Games” by James P. Carse
Why this book: Carse’s philosophical exploration of two types of games—finite (played to win) and infinite (played to continue play)—illuminates why successful people often struggle with belonging. We’ve been treating belonging as a finite game: something to win through achievement and perfect performance. Carse suggests belonging might actually be an infinite game: not something you win, but something you participate in. This reframe has transformed how I approach stress management—moving from “fix the problem” to “engage with the process.”
5. “The Anthropology of Turquoise” by Ellen Meloy
Why this book: Meloy’s meditation on colour, landscape, and perception seems an odd choice for a belonging book—until you realise it’s fundamentally about how we see. She explores how perception shapes reality, how we see what we’re trained to see. For someone looking for evidence they don’t belong, Meloy offers a master class in seeing differently. Her lyrical prose demonstrates that belonging isn’t about the external world changing—it’s about perceiving what was always there. This resonates deeply with my Camino retreats, where walking through landscape transforms how participants see themselves.
P.S. My book “Embracing Change – in 10 minutes a day” offers practical, daily exercises for navigating transitions and uncertainty. While not specifically about belonging, it addresses the core challenge underneath: managing the discomfort of not-knowing, of being between identities, of existing in liminal spaces where belonging feels uncertain. Available through my website.
From the Camino
“I arrived at Dr Montagu’s Camino retreat having just been passed over for a partnership position I’d worked towards for eight years. I was convinced I’d been found wanting—too soft, too emotional, too something. I brought this story with me to France, wearing it like a hair shirt.
On day four, walking through autumn mist, Dr Montagu asked me a simple question: ‘Why are you looking for evidence?’ I realised I’d spent months collecting proof of my inadequacy, interpreting every interaction through that lens. That partnership decision had become the headline of a story I was writing about not belonging—in my firm, in my profession, in my own ambition.
The storytelling circles changed everything. Hearing other successful professionals share their belonging struggles, I recognised we were all prosecuting ourselves with the same fervour we brought to our work. Dr Montagu’s gentle questions helped me see I’d been asking the wrong thing. Not ‘How do I prove I belong?’ but ‘What would I contribute if I stopped auditioning?’
I returned home and resigned from that firm. I joined a smaller practice aligned with my values. I belong there—not because they accept me despite my flaws, but because I stopped looking for evidence I needed to hide them. The Camino didn’t fix me. It helped me stop breaking myself.”
— Jennifer K., Corporate Lawyer, London
From a Storytelling Circle
“Dr Montagu’s storytelling circles taught me something my MBA never did: authentic stories create belonging in ways polished presentations never can. I’d spent my career crafting the perfect professional narrative—achievements without struggles, confidence without doubt. It made me successful. It also made me profoundly lonely.
In the storytelling circle, I shared a story about failing spectacularly—a product launch disaster that nearly ended my career. I’d never told anyone the full, messy truth. As I spoke, I saw recognition in others’ faces. Not judgment. Recognition. Afterwards, a retired executive—someone I’d been slightly intimidated by—shared his own failure story. Then another participant. Then another.
We weren’t bonding over success. We were bonding over truth. Dr Montagu’s approach isn’t about forced vulnerability or artificial team-building. It’s about creating space where you can stop curating and start connecting. That’s where belonging actually lives—in the space between our polished stories and our true ones.”
— Michael T., Technology Executive, Manchester
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Isn’t looking for evidence I don’t belong just realistic self-assessment? Shouldn’t successful people stay alert to how they’re perceived?
There’s a crucial difference between genuine feedback and confirmatory bias. Realistic self-assessment involves seeking diverse input, considering context, and maintaining perspective. Looking for evidence you don’t belong is selective attention that ignores contradictory data. It’s the difference between “Let me understand how others experience me” and “Let me prove I’m inadequate.” One creates growth; the other creates suffering. Your brain can’t distinguish between them—you must consciously choose which investigation you’re conducting.
Q: What if the evidence is actually real? What if I genuinely don’t belong in certain spaces?
Sometimes you don’t belong—and that’s data, not verdict. Not belonging in a specific context doesn’t mean you don’t belong anywhere. A fish doesn’t belong in a tree, but that says nothing about the fish’s worth. The question isn’t “Do I belong here?” but “Is this where I want to belong?” Successful people often confuse achievement with alignment. You might not belong in that role, that culture, that relationship—not because you’re inadequate, but because it’s not your space. The crisis comes when you interpret contextual misalignment as global inadequacy.
Q: How do I stop this pattern when it feels so automatic? The evidence-gathering happens before I even notice I’m doing it.
This is where NLP and hypnotherapy principles prove invaluable. The pattern operates below conscious awareness, which is why intellectual understanding doesn’t stop it. You need to interrupt the pattern at a neurological level. Start by naming it when it happens: “I’m gathering evidence again.” This creates a split-second pause between stimulus and response. In that pause, ask: “What else could this mean?” You’re not trying to stop the pattern entirely—you’re inserting choice into what was previously automatic. Over time, this rewires the neural pathway. It’s the same principle I use in stress management: you can’t stop stress responses, but you can create space between trigger and reaction.
Q: Isn’t this just positive thinking? Are you suggesting I ignore real problems?
Absolutely not. Positive thinking tries to paste happy narratives over negative ones. This is about recognising you’re always interpreting, always creating narratives, and those narratives aren’t neutral observations—they’re creative acts. You’re not ignoring problems; you’re questioning your interpretation of what constitutes a problem. When you interpret a colleague’s distraction as evidence you’re boring, you’ve created a problem that didn’t exist. When you interpret the same distraction as… distraction, you’ve saved yourself unnecessary suffering. This isn’t optimism; it’s accuracy.
Q: What if changing this pattern makes me complacent? Doesn’t this insecurity drive my success?
This is the fear that keeps many high-achievers trapped in self-prosecution. But examine it: Has looking for evidence you don’t belong made you more successful, or just more anxious? There’s a difference between healthy striving and toxic self-monitoring. Healthy striving says: “I want to improve this skill.” Toxic self-monitoring says: “Everyone’s noticing I’m inadequate.” One creates growth; the other creates paralysis. Your achievements came despite this pattern, not because of it. Imagine your capabilities without the constant self-prosecution tax. That’s not complacency; that’s unleashing your actual potential.
Conclusion: Choosing Your Investigation
Here’s what I’ve learned from two decades of working with stressed, successful professionals, from guiding hundreds through the transformative walking meditation of the Camino, from facilitating storytelling circles where masks drop and truth emerges:
You will always find what you’re looking for.
Your brilliant, pattern-recognising, problem-solving brain is a magnificent instrument. When you direct it to find evidence of your inadequacy, it will deliver a comprehensive case file. When you direct it to find evidence of your capacity, contribution, and authentic connection, it will deliver that too.
The evidence doesn’t change. Your investigation does.
Belonging isn’t something you discover—it’s something you create through the stories you tell, the interpretations you choose, and the courage to bring your authentic self rather than your performed self.
Amanda Stevens—and the Jennifers and Michaels who’ve walked my Camino trails and shared their stories in circles lit by French sunset—didn’t find belonging. They stopped looking for evidence they didn’t deserve it. In that pause, in that radical act of stopping the prosecution, belonging emerged.
Not because the world changed. Because they stopped seeing themselves through the prosecution’s eyes and started seeing themselves through their own.
You belong. Not because I say so, but because belonging isn’t bestowed—it’s claimed. The question isn’t whether you belong. The question is whether you’ll stop gathering evidence against yourself long enough to notice you were always home.
Come and Walk the Camino: An Invitation
There’s something about walking that bypasses the mind’s usual defences. Something about ancient pilgrimage routes that strips away the performed self and reveals what lies beneath. Something about the rhythm of footsteps, the simplicity of the task—left foot, right foot, breathe—that quiets the prosecutorial voice long enough to hear something truer.
My Camino de Santiago stress relief hiking retreats in the south-west of France offer exactly this: a chance to walk yourself home to belonging, not through positive thinking or forced revelations, but through the embodied experience of moving through landscape whilst your internal landscape shifts.
These aren’t typical walking holidays. Yes, you walk sections of the ancient Camino route, through forests and vineyards, medieval villages and rolling hills. But we also practise mindfulness and meditation exercises specifically designed for stress management—techniques I’ve refined over 15 years of guiding executives and professionals through exactly the belonging crisis you’re experiencing.
We gather for storytelling circles where you’ll share and hear authentic narratives—not the polished versions we present professionally, but the true, messy, vulnerable stories where real connection lives. And yes, my Friesian horses (Twiss and Zorie) and Falabella ponies (Loki and Lito) join us, offering their unique form of present-moment awareness and non-judgmental companionship that often unlocks what words cannot.
These retreats aren’t about fixing you—you’re not broken. They’re about creating the conditions where you stop prosecuting yourself long enough to remember who you actually are beneath the accumulated evidence of inadequacy you’ve been carrying.
The Camino has been transforming pilgrims for over a thousand years. Not through dramatic revelations, but through the simple, profound act of walking whilst carrying less—literally and metaphorically.
Perhaps it’s time to put down the evidence dossier you’ve been compiling against yourself. Perhaps it’s time to walk toward belonging rather than away from imagined rejection.
PS. I am working on an online retreat that will help people cope with the grief caused by the loss of a horse – it is similar to losing any loved one, but also different. The need to belong was intense as I tried to come to terms with the loss of my soulmare Belle, and this video helped me to get everything into perspective. As you may know, what I am best at is helping people through life transitions, and the loss of someone we love certainly falls in this category. Creating this online retreat is difficult, but I’m persevering, as I am learning so much by doing this. I find myself spending much more time just being with the herd, and I wrote this post about the comfort I received from the horses I have left:
The Compassionate Insight-giving Guide to Getting Over the Loss of Your Horse – an Online Course – find support, guidance, and practical tools to navigate the complex emotions and challenges associated with the loss of a heart horse. Get immediate access
“I am an experienced medical doctor – MBChB, MRCGP, NLP master pract cert, Transformational Life Coach (dip.) Life Story Coach (cert.) Stress Counselling (cert.) Med Hypnotherapy (dip.) and EAGALA (cert.) I may have an impressive number of letters after my name, and more than three decades of professional experience, but what qualifies me to excel at what I do is my intuitive understanding of my clients’ difficulties and my extensive personal experience of managing major life changes using strategies I developed over many years.” Dr M Montagu
When asked what I do, here in the deepest rural southwest of France, I usually reply that I host retreats, onsite but also online, for those who can’t escape to the south of France at the moment, to help my guests deal effectively with stress, specifically the stress that is caused by going through a life transition. My retreats are different from other similar retreats because I have two unique “aids:” a small herd of Friesian horses and the Camino de Santiago de Compostela on my doorstep.
Life transitions can be challenging and overwhelming, as they often involve significant change, uncertainty, insecurity and a range of complex emotions. Whether it’s starting a new job, getting married or divorced, becoming a parent for the first time or coping with an empty nest, moving to a new city or country, retiring from work or dealing with the loss of a loved one, managing a chronic illness, recovering from surgery, a significant inheritance or bankruptcy or starting a new business, navigating these transitions requires resilience and inner strength. In this blog post, we will explore the powerful role that interacting with horses can play in helping us find strength and build resilience during life transitions.
Emotionally, life transitions can have a profound impact on us. They often stir up a mixture of emotions, such as excitement, anticipation, joy, fear, anxiety, confusion, sadness, frustration, impatience, anger and even grief. The process of transitioning from one phase of life to another can be daunting, as it involves navigating unfamiliar territory, letting go of what we know and trust, and embracing (sometimes major) change. The inherent stress and uncertainty associated with these transitions can sometimes feel overwhelming, leaving us feeling vulnerable, uncertain, and lacking security and stability. It is during these times that horses can make an enormous difference.
Horses, as highly perceptive and sensitive prey animals, possess a remarkable ability to offer non-judgmental support that fosters deep emotional connection and trust. Their innate sensitivity allows them to sense and respond to subtle cues from us, offering us a soundboard to bounce our emotions off.
As always, my horses support me during my life transitions, but it was only when I realised that my most recent life change is a tremendous opportunity to become more emotionally resilient that I stopped feeling as if I was trying to ride a bucking horse.
What a liberating feeling! I got off the horse and got on with my life.
When my retreat guests interact with my Friesian horses during life transitions, they often experience a similar positive impact on their emotional well-being.
The bonding process with horses is a transformative journey in itself, much like walking the Camino de Santiago de Compostela. Horses have an uncanny ability to tune into human emotions and reflect them back without prejudice. This creates a safe and supportive space for us to express and explore our feelings. Horses provide immediate feedback through body language and behaviour so that my guests can gain valuable insights into the complex emotions that arise during life transitions.
Horses offer a safe space for my guests to practice emotional regulation. When we are able to regulate our emotions, communicate calmly, and remain present in the moment, horses respond positively. This interaction provides a tangible experience of emotional regulation, helping my guests develop coping strategies to manage stress, anxiety, and other challenging emotions that arise during life transitions.
Additionally, horses can help us to develop coping strategies that also promote emotional resilience. As we engage in various activities with horses, we are challenged to adapt, problem-solve, and find effective ways to communicate with the herd. The process of overcoming challenges and establishing connections with horses instils a sense of accomplishment and builds confidence, strengthening clients’ ability to navigate emotional hurdles in life transitions.
Emotional resilience is not about suppressing emotions or denying the difficulties we may encounter. It is about acknowledging, understanding, and effectively managing emotions in order to navigate life’s challenges in a life-enhancing manner. By cultivating emotional resilience, we are better equipped to cope with the emotions life transitions generate, ultimately leading to greater well-being and a more impactful, rewarding, meaningful and fulfilling life.
This is why I do what I do, during both my online courses and onsite retreats, I empower my guests to become more emotionally resilient, so that they can live more impactful, meaningful and fulfilling lives.
Five Key Takeaways
Emotional resilience flourishes in connection, not isolation – The myth of the self-sufficient leader overlooks our fundamental need for a supportive herd during transitions.
Transitions are biologically designed to destabilise us – Understanding this removes shame and opens the door to authentic strength-building.
Nature’s herd animals model resilience strategies – From horses to elephants, collective wisdom offers profound insights for navigating uncertainty.
Vulnerability is an executive skill, not a weakness – The most resilient leaders know when to lower their guard and accept support.
Mindful presence transforms transition from threat to opportunity – Grounding practices borrowed from herd dynamics can recalibrate your nervous system during upheaval.
The Loneliness of the Long-Distance Leader
The view might be spectacular, but the company is often sparse.
Executives and entrepreneurs spend years cultivating an image of unshakeable confidence—someone who makes the tough calls, who doesn’t flinch when markets tumble or ventures fail. We’re conditioned to believe that emotional resilience means having a titanium exterior, bouncing back from setbacks with barely a dent to show for it.
But what happens when life’s transitions arrive—not the ones you planned for, but the ones that ambush you? The divorce you didn’t see coming. The business failure that questions your identity. The health diagnosis that rewrites your priorities. The sudden loss that cracks your carefully constructed world wide open.
That’s when you discover something remarkable: true emotional resilience has nothing to do with invincibility. It has everything to do with knowing when to stop pretending you’re fine and finding your herd.
This isn’t another article telling you to journal more or develop better coping mechanisms (though those have their place). This is about fundamentally rethinking what strength looks like during life’s seismic shifts—and why the wisdom might come from some unexpected, four-legged teachers.
Leo Martin’s Horse Story
Leo Martin had perfected the art of looking unshakeable.
At fifty-two, he’d built a software company from his garage into a multinational entity, navigated three recessions, and earned a reputation for being the steadiest hand in a volatile industry. His calendar was colour-coded perfection, his morning routine featured in productivity podcasts, his LinkedIn profile gleamed with endorsements about his “inspiring leadership.”
Then his wife of twenty-six years said she was leaving, his senior management team was poached by a competitor, and his GP found something concerning in his annual check-up—all within the same month.
Leo did what successful men do: he doubled down on control. Longer hours. More aggressive strategy. A new relationship with a woman half his age who required nothing from him emotionally. He white-knuckled his way through board meetings, his jaw perpetually clenched, his shoulders creeping towards his ears like they were attempting escape.
Nobody saw the cracks. Nobody was meant to.
The breaking point came during a quarterly review when he stood to present and simply… couldn’t. The words evaporated. His chest tightened. The boardroom’s air conditioning felt like it was pumping in anxiety instead of cool air. The smell of stale coffee and leather chairs turned his stomach. He excused himself, made it to his corner office, and sat there for two hours staring at the city below, tasting copper fear in his mouth, his hands trembling against the cool glass of the window.
His PA, Margaret—who’d known him since the garage days—knocked gently and said: “A friend runs walking retreats in France. Horse wisdom retreats, actually. I know it sounds barmy, but you need to do something.”
Three weeks later, Leo found himself on the Camino de Santiago, backpack heavy on his shoulders, surrounded by strangers and, bizarrely, horses. The facilitator—a woman whose presence felt both fierce and gentle—gathered the group in a field where several horses grazed peacefully, their tails swishing rhythmically in the warm breeze.
“Emotional resilience,” she began, “isn’t what you think it is.”
Leo almost laughed. Here he was, a man who’d built empires, about to take life advice from someone who worked with horses. The irony wasn’t lost on him. The field smelled of wild herbs and sun-warmed grass, so different from his sterile office tower.
Then she introduced a black mare called Twiss.
“Horses are prey animals,” the facilitator explained. “They’ve survived millions of years not by being the strongest or fastest alone, but by being part of a herd. Watch.”
She walked confidently towards Twiss, her energy purposeful but relaxed. The mare barely glanced up, continued grazing. Then the facilitator’s posture changed—shoulders tensed, breathing shortened, energy scattered—and Twiss immediately lifted her head, ears swivelling, muscles coiled for flight.
“She feels everything,” the facilitator said. “Horses survive by being honest about threat, and by staying connected to their herd.”
Over the next hour, Leo learned something extraordinary. When he approached Twiss wearing his CEO armour—chest puffed, energy projecting control—she walked away. Every time. But when he stood there, simply breathing, acknowledging the tight knot of fear in his chest, the exhaustion pressing on his bones, the grief he’d been swallowing for months—Twiss walked straight to him. Pressed her warm, velvet nose against his chest. Exhaled a long, slow breath that vibrated through his ribcage.
He felt the tears then. Hot, unexpected, rolling down his face onto Twiss’s black coat. She didn’t flinch. Didn’t judge. Just stood there, solid and present, one ear cocked back towards him as if to say: I’ve got you.
During our storytelling circles that evening—sitting in a rustic stone barn, candles flickering, the smell of wood smoke and red wine mingling—Leo finally spoke. His voice cracked as he described feeling like he was drowning whilst everyone watched him swim laps. A woman named Patricia, going through a similar corporate collapse, reached over and squeezed his hand. A man named James, whose son had died two years prior, nodded with the particular understanding that only comes from shared suffering.
This was Leo’s herd. Not people he’d hired or impressed. People who’d simply shown up to the same field, carrying their own backpacks of transition and loss.
By the end of the week, something fundamental had shifted. Not fixed—shifted. Leo still had the same problems waiting at home. But he’d discovered that emotional resilience wasn’t about returning to his old self. It was about allowing himself to be transformed by being truly seen, truly felt, by both humans and horses who refused to let him hide.
The morning we gathered for our final storytelling circle, Leo shared this: “I spent my whole life thinking resilience meant bouncing back to the same shape. Luna taught me it means allowing yourself to be reshaped. And you can’t do that alone.”
Understanding Emotional Resilience: Beyond the Bounce-Back Myth
The traditional narrative around emotional resilience is fundamentally flawed. We’ve been sold a story that resilience means returning to baseline after stress—like a rubber band snapping back to its original form. But anyone who’s lived through genuine transition knows this: you don’t return to who you were. You can’t. The question isn’t how to bounce back; it’s how to grow forward.
Neuroscience reveals something fascinating about transitions: they’re meant to destabilise us. When life’s certainties crumble, our brains enter a state of heightened neuroplasticity—we become more malleable, more capable of forming new neural pathways, but also more vulnerable. It’s simultaneously our greatest opportunity for growth and our most precarious state.
This is where the herd model becomes revolutionary.
Research into herd animals—horses, elephants, even dolphins—shows they navigate transition through what scientists call “collective emotional regulation.” When a herd member experiences threat or stress, the group responds by creating a container of calm. They position themselves physically close. They synchronise their breathing. They offer touch, presence, and the biological reassurance that says: you’re not alone in this.
For humans, particularly those in leadership positions, this represents a radical shift. We’ve been trained to isolate during difficulty, to “handle it” privately, to emerge only when we’ve regained composure. But isolation is where emotional resilience goes to die.
Dr. Stephen Porges’ Polyvagal Theory explains why: our nervous systems are fundamentally social. We co-regulate. A calm, present person can literally change another person’s physiological state through proximity, eye contact, and authentic connection. This isn’t metaphorical—it’s measurable in heart rate variability, cortisol levels, and neural activity.
Mindfulness practices become exponentially more powerful when we understand them through this lens. It’s not just about individual meditation—though that has value. It’s about cultivating what I call “herd awareness”: the ability to sense both your own internal state and the collective emotional field around you.
In my work facilitating walking retreats on the Camino de Santiago, I’ve witnessed this transformation repeatedly. Executives arrive armoured, operating from what psychologists call the “false self”—the persona they’ve constructed to navigate professional demands. Then they walk. Day after day. Bodies tired. Defences lowered. And in that vulnerability, surrounded by others in transition, something ancient and wise emerges: the knowledge that we were never meant to carry our burdens alone.
The horses simply make this visible. They won’t engage with your performance. They respond only to your authentic state. It’s wonderfully humiliating for high-achievers—and absolutely necessary.
True emotional resilience during life transitions requires three essential elements:
First, acknowledgment: You must stop pretending the transition isn’t affecting you. The body keeps the score, as Bessel van der Kolk famously noted. Unacknowledged stress doesn’t disappear—it lodges in your tissues, manifests in your relationships, sabotages your decisions.
Second, connection: You must find your herd. Not your board, not your networking group, not your social media followers. Your real herd—people who’ve earned the right to hear your story, who show up without agenda, who can hold space for your unravelling without trying to fix you.
Third, presence: You must develop the capacity to stay with discomfort rather than immediately problem-solving your way out of it. This is where mindfulness and meditation become invaluable. Not as escape mechanisms, but as practices that build your tolerance for transition’s inherent uncertainty.
The gift of major life transitions is this: they force authenticity. You simply don’t have the energy to maintain the façade anymore. And when the façade crumbles, you discover something remarkable—you’re more likeable, more effective, more genuinely powerful without it.
Further Reading: Three Unconventional Books on Emotional Resilience
1. “The Wild Edge of Sorrow” by Francis Weller
This isn’t your typical resilience book because Weller argues that our avoidance of genuine grief is precisely what makes us fragile. He explores how indigenous cultures approach collective mourning and why modern society’s “get over it” mentality creates chronic emotional brittleness. I chose this because executives rarely give themselves permission to grieve their losses—failed ventures, dissolved partnerships, the person they were before diagnosis or divorce. Weller offers a roadmap for metabolising sorrow rather than bypassing it.
2. “Braiding Sweetgrass” by Robin Wall Kimmerer
A botanist and member of the Citizen Potawanda Nation, Kimmerer weaves scientific knowledge with indigenous wisdom about reciprocity and interdependence. The book fundamentally challenges Western individualism by exploring how resilience in nature is always collective. I include this because entrepreneurs and executives need a complete paradigm shift away from the “self-made” mythology towards understanding strength as something that flows through relationships, not despite them.
3. “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk
Whilst more widely known, this book remains criminally underutilised by the business community. Van der Kolk’s research into trauma and the nervous system reveals why talk therapy alone often fails during major transitions—because the body holds memory and stress in ways our conscious minds cannot access. His work on somatic experiencing, rhythmic movement, and collective trauma healing directly informs why approaches like walking retreats and horse work create transformative shifts that boardrooms never could.
Guest Testimonial
“I arrived at the Camino walking retreat certain I could think my way through my company’s collapse. I’d built elaborate plans, consulted experts, maintained the appearance that I had everything under control. Then I spent an afternoon with a chestnut gelding who simply walked away every time I approached with that energy. The facilitator asked: ‘What would happen if you stopped managing this moment and just let yourself be in it?’ I broke. Properly broke. And my walking companions—strangers three days prior—simply sat with me. No fixing. No advice. Just presence. That’s when I understood: emotional resilience isn’t about being strong enough to handle things alone. It’s about being brave enough to let others in. My business still failed, but I didn’t. And that distinction saved my life.”
— Patricia M., Former Technology CEO, London
Five Razor-Sharp FAQs
Q: Isn’t emotional resilience about being mentally tough and pushing through difficulties?
A: That’s emotional endurance, not resilience. Endurance gets you through; resilience allows you to grow through. Pushing through without processing creates emotional debt that compounds with interest. True resilience involves the courage to pause, feel, connect, and recalibrate—which is far more demanding than simply muscling through.
Q: I’m responsible for hundreds of employees. Don’t I need to project strength during transitions?
A: Your team doesn’t need your performance of strength—they need your authentic leadership. Research consistently shows that leaders who acknowledge challenges whilst maintaining genuine confidence (not false positivity) create more resilient organisations. Vulnerability isn’t weakness; performing invincibility whilst crumbling internally is.
Q: How can horses possibly help with executive-level life transitions?
A: Horses are biofeedback mechanisms with legs. They respond to your nervous system state, not your words or professional status. When you’re operating from stress whilst pretending you’re fine, they’ll disengage. When you’re authentically present, even if you’re struggling, they’ll connect. This immediate, honest feedback bypasses your cognitive defences and creates genuine shifts in how you regulate emotion.
Q: I don’t have time for retreats or lengthy programmes. Can I build emotional resilience quickly?
A: You can develop practices quickly; transformation takes time. Start with ten minutes daily of mindful breathing, schedule regular connection with your “herd” (people who know the real you), and commit to one somatic practice—walking, yoga, or conscious movement. But understand: building genuine resilience is like strengthening a muscle. Consistency matters more than intensity.
Q: What if acknowledging my struggles during transition makes things worse?
A: Acknowledgement doesn’t create vulnerability; it reveals what’s already there. You’re not making things worse—you’re making them conscious, which is the only way they can transform. Unacknowledged struggle leaks out in irritability, poor decisions, health problems, and damaged relationships. Acknowledged struggle can be worked with, shared, and ultimately integrated.
Conclusion: Find Your Herd
Here’s the truth we don’t say often enough in professional circles: life’s transitions will humble you. The question isn’t whether you’ll face moments where your carefully constructed identity crumbles—you will. The question is whether you’ll face them alone or surrounded by your herd.
Emotional resilience isn’t a personal achievement; it’s a relational practice. It’s built in the moments when you let someone see you struggling and they don’t look away. It’s strengthened when you offer that same steady presence to another. It’s forged in the recognition that our greatest strength lies not in our independence, but in our willingness to be interdependent.
The executives and entrepreneurs I work with often arrive believing they need to learn better stress management techniques. What they discover instead is that they need to fundamentally reimagine what strength looks like. They need to learn what Luna and her herd have always known: true resilience is collective.
Your next transition—whether it’s in front of you or behind you—contains an invitation. Not to become harder, but to become more permeable. Not to build higher walls, but to find your herd and lower your guard.
The field is waiting. The herd is gathering. And somewhere, there’s a wise horse who’ll refuse to engage with your performance and instead invite you into something more real, more raw, and infinitely more resilient than anything you could construct alone.
Ready to Discover Your Herd?
If Leo’s story resonates, if you’re navigating transition and tired of doing it alone, explore my Horse-Inspired Stress Relief Online Courses. These programmes combine guided mindfulness practices, meditation exercises for stress management, and the collective wisdom of the herd to help you build genuine emotional resilience. No performance required—just show up as you are.
The Compassionate Insight-giving Guide to Getting Over the Loss of Your Horse – an Online Course – find support, guidance, and practical tools to navigate the complex emotions and challenges associated with the loss of a heart horse. Get immediate access
The Harness the Healing Power of Your Horses – Become a Mindfulness Meditation Teacher and Create Substantial and Sustainable Income with Your Horses- an Online Teacher Training and Create a Closer Connection to Your Horse Get immediate access
Conclusion
Life transitions may present formidable challenges, but they also offer the opportunity to increase your emotional resilience. Interacting with horses can enable you to find strength, build resilience, and embark on a journey of personal empowerment during a life transition.
“I am an experienced medical doctor – MBChB, MRCGP, NLP master pract cert, Transformational Life Coach (dip.) Life Story Coach (cert.) Stress Counselling (cert.) Med Hypnotherapy (dip.) and EAGALA (cert.) I may have an impressive number of letters after my name, and more than three decades of professional experience, but what qualifies me to excel at what I do is my intuitive understanding of my clients’ difficulties and my extensive personal experience of managing major life changes using strategies I developed over many years.” Dr M Montagu
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