Author: Margaretha Montagu

Stumbling Blocks or Stepping Stones?

You are working all hours at your disposal to reach your goal and then suddenly…yet another setback! As unwelcome as a speeding ticket on the day both your indicators fail.

Life rarely unfolds in a straight line. It’s a winding journey with peaks of triumph and valleys of challenges. At some point, we all face setbacks—moments when it feels like the rug has been whipped out from beneath us. Perhaps you missed a deadline at work after months of stellar performance, fell off your carefully planned health regimen, or faced rejection after years of hard work pursuing a dream. These moments can sting, making it tempting to dismiss your progress so far and label yourself a failure.

Don’t do that. One setback does not erase all the progress you have made so far.

What qualifies as a setback? I’d say a setback in life is an experience that disrupts your plans or expectations, often leading to feelings of disappointment or frustration. The keyword here is “disrupt,” not “destroy.” Setbacks come in all shapes and sizes, some more disruptive than others, each impacting different aspects of our lives:

Setback Categories

1. Personal Setbacks: These include injuries, illnesses, mental health challenges (such as anxiety or depression), and relationship issues (like breakups or divorce). Losses, whether of loved ones, jobs, or opportunities, also fall into this category.
2. Professional Setbacks: Common examples are failing in a critical meeting, being overlooked for a promotion, or facing a job loss. Such setbacks can significantly affect your career trajectory and self-esteem.
3. Financial Setbacks: These can arise from job loss, poor investments, or unexpected expenses that strain financial stability.
4. Environmental Setbacks: Natural disasters or significant changes in one’s living situation can also be classified as setbacks, as they often require a complete reevaluation of life circumstances.

Progress is Cumulative

The good news is that you can reframe setbacks as stepping stones toward long-term and lasting success.

Apparently. (I’m Gen X, we don’t believe everything we are told.)

Imagine climbing a mountain. Each step forward builds upon the last, bringing you closer to the summit. Now imagine slipping on loose gravel and sliding back a few feet. It’s frustrating, but it doesn’t erase the hundreds of steps you’ve already climbed. And you already know that way ahead, you know what to do to avoid slipping back. Similarly, in life, your progress accumulates. The skills you’ve developed, the lessons you’ve learned, and the resilience you’ve cultivated don’t vanish because of a single misstep.

For example, let’s say you’ve been diligently saving money for a big purchase. An unexpected expense—a car repair or medical bill—may force you to dip into your savings. While this feels like a setback, it doesn’t negate the discipline and effort you’ve shown in saving up to this point. You still have the knowledge and habits that enabled you to save in the first place, which means you can start building again.

The Danger of All-or-Nothing Thinking

One of the reasons setbacks feel so devastating is because of all-or-nothing thinking. This mindset convinces us that we’re either winning or failing, with no middle ground. When something goes wrong, it’s easy to spiral into negative self-talk:

• “I knew I couldn’t stick to this diet.”
• “Why do I even bother trying?”
• “I’m never going to achieve my goals.”

This kind of thinking ignores the nuances of progress. Setbacks are not proof of failure; they are a natural part of the process. In fact, they often highlight areas where growth is still needed, offering valuable opportunities to learn and adjust.

Reframing the Narrative

How you interpret a setback matters. Instead of viewing it as a sign that you’re not good enough, consider it a plot twist in your journey. Great stories—and great lives—are full of moments when the protagonist faces obstacles and emerges stronger.

Let’s look at a real-world example. Thomas Edison famously said, “I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.” His “setbacks” were integral to his eventual success in inventing the light bulb. Reframing challenges as experiments, rather than verdicts on your worth, allows you to stay curious and become more resilient.

The next time you slam up against a setback, ask yourself:

1. What can I learn from this? Every setback carries a lesson, whether it’s about preparation, timing, or approach.
2. What have I already accomplished? Reflecting on your past successes can help you maintain perspective.
3. What’s the next small step I can take? Focusing on actionable steps keeps you moving forward.

Be Kind to Yourself

Many of us are far kinder to others than we are to ourselves. If your best friend or colleague faced a similar setback, you’d likely offer words of encouragement rather than criticism. So why not extend the same grace to yourself?

Practising self-compassion doesn’t mean letting yourself off the hook; it means acknowledging that you’re human. It’s about recognising that everyone stumbles and that your worth isn’t defined by your worst moments.

Here are some ways to practice self-compassion:

• Acknowledge your feelings. It’s okay to feel disappointed or frustrated. Naming your emotions can help you process them without becoming overwhelmed.
• Talk to yourself like a friend. Replace harsh self-criticism with supportive language.
• Focus on progress, not perfection. Celebrate the effort you’ve put in, even if the outcome wasn’t what you hoped for.

Stories of Resilience

Consider the story of J.K. Rowling, who faced numerous rejections before finding a publisher for Harry Potter. Her initial setbacks didn’t erase her talent or determination; they were stepping stones on the path to her eventual success.

Or think about someone recovering from a health setback, like an athlete rebuilding strength after an injury. Each day of rehab might feel slow and frustrating, but every session contributes to their eventual recovery. The same principle applies to personal or professional goals.

Or Gina, whose setback turned into a Comedy in Three Acts:

Gina was not the type to take a setback lying down. No, she preferred to face adversity the same way she faced IKEA furniture instructions: with creative swearing, a questionable plan, and a glass of wine.

Her major setback came on a Wednesday—because, of course, the universe saves its cruellest blows for the middle of the week, when you’re already teetering on the edge. Gina had just been passed over for the big promotion she was sure was hers. The new title? Gone. The corner office? Bye-bye. The salary bump she had earmarked for Bali yoga retreats and high-end sushi? RIP.

Instead, the promotion went to her office nemesis, Derek. Derek of the faux humility, Derek of the motivational Post-it notes, Derek who thought “circle back” was the pinnacle of workplace communication.

By 6:00 p.m., Gina had rage-Googled “How to hex your coworker legally” and eaten an entire bag of gummy worms while doom-scrolling Instagram. It wasn’t pretty.

Act II: The Breakthrough

The next morning, Gina decided she wasn’t going to wallow. No. She was going to manifest. She dusted off her vision board from 2019 (which was mostly pictures of Amal Clooney looking fabulous in pencil skirts) and got to work.

Step one? Rebrand herself. Derek may have won the battle, but Gina was about to win the war.

“I’m not bitter,” she told her friend Ellie over overpriced oat milk lattes. “I’m pivoting. Like Beyoncé in 2016 or whatever Taylor Swift does every five minutes.”

Ellie, the supportive kind who wasn’t above roasting Gina for fun, raised an eyebrow. “So, what’s the plan? Dramatic career change? Pet influencer? Enlisting in the army?”

“Better,” Gina said, her eyes sparkling with the kind of manic energy only a person with a vendetta could muster. “I’m going to become Derek’s boss.”

Ellie nearly choked on her latte. “You can’t even keep a basil plant alive, and now you’re planning a corporate coup?”

“Oh, it’s on,” Gina said. “I’m playing chess, not checkers.”

Act III: The Glow-Up

Gina went all in. She revamped her LinkedIn profile, signing up for every buzzword-filled certification she could find. “Certified in Agile Frameworks” meant nothing to her, but it looked killer in bold font. She started volunteering for high-visibility projects at work. She even took up jogging, because all the articles said “executive energy” came from early morning runs, though she mostly ended up lying on the pavement gasping like a stranded fish.

And then there was Derek. Sweet, oblivious Derek. Gina started complimenting him on his ideas—strategic flattery, of course—and subtly claiming credit for his successes, based on her advice, in team meetings.

“Gina’s insights really helped me refine that idea,” Derek had to admit.

“Happy to help!” she’d chirp, while mentally filing away his demise.

Within six months, Gina had a standing coffee with the VP of Operations and a reputation as a team player. Within a year, she was promoted. Not just promoted—promoted above Derek.

Epilogue: Revenge Is Best Served With a Side of Humor

On her first day as Derek’s boss, Gina waltzed into her new office. It had a view, a fancy ergonomic chair, and most importantly, a door she could close when Derek inevitably wandered in to “circle back” on something.

Derek, looking as smug as ever, poked his head in. “Hey, boss,” he said, drawing out the last word like it was a joke.

Gina grinned, leaning back in her chair. “Oh, Derek,” she said. “Why don’t you circle back later?”

And with that, she swivelled her chair dramatically toward the window, sipping her coffee like the queen she had always been.

So, when life hands you setbacks, turn them into setups (see below.)

Practical Strategies for Bouncing Back

When faced with a setback, it’s important to take proactive steps to regain momentum. Here are some strategies to help you:

1. Pause and Reflect: Take time to assess what happened. What factors contributed to the setback? What’s within your control to change moving forward?
2. Reconnect with Your Why: Remind yourself why you started in the first place. Whether it’s a healthier lifestyle, a meaningful career, or a stronger relationship, keeping your ultimate goal in mind can reignite your motivation.
3. Break It Down: Large goals can feel overwhelming, especially after a setback. Break them into smaller, manageable steps to rebuild confidence and momentum.
4. Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to reach out to friends, mentors, or support groups. Sharing your struggles can provide fresh perspectives and encouragement.
5. Celebrate Small Wins: Acknowledge every step forward, no matter how small. Progress is progress, and celebrating it reinforces a positive mindset.

The Upside of the Downside

Progress happens in fits and starts, and that’s okay. The path to success is often marked by detours, and setbacks are not the opposite of progress—they’re part of it. By reframing your perspective, practising self-compassion, and taking actionable steps to bounce back, you can transform setbacks into opportunities for growth.

Setbacks can be a goldmine for growth if you let them. When you reframe them as opportunities to learn, adapt, and connect, they stop being roadblocks and start becoming stepping stones to something bigger and better. So next time life knocks you down, remember: it’s just setting you up for an epic comeback.

Feeling Lost? Rediscover Who You Are and What’s Next by Finding Your Life Purpose

Setbacks can leave you feeling untethered—unsure of who you are, where you’re going, or how to move forward. It’s normal to feel anxious, even overwhelmed, to experience self-doubt, to worry about the future, and to feel isolated and unsupported.

My unique course, “Rearing to Get Going in a New Direction: Discover Your Real Life Purpose” offers the support you need to help you get your life back on track:

🌟 Overcome Uncertainty, Insecurity and Anxiety Gain clarity about your next steps and replace fear of the future with a renewed sense of direction. The course is structured to offer guidance, giving you the tools and strategies you need to navigate this transition as painlessly as possible.

🌟 Rediscover Your Identity Life transitions often cause identity crises. This course will guide you to reconnect with your core values, passions, and purpose so you can rediscover who you truly are.

🌟 Silence Self-Doubt and Reclaim Your Self-Confidence You’ll uncover your unique strengths and abilities, empowering you to face challenges with resilience and self-belief.

🌟 Free Yourself from Your Fear of Failure By focusing on meaningful goals and aligning your goals with your values the course minimises the fear of making the “wrong” decisions.

🌟 Identify Your Priorities Feeling overwhelmed? Together, we’ll pinpoint what will truly matter in your next chapter, helping you prioritise your time and energy with a purpose-driven focus, easing the overwhelm of conflicting demands.

🌟 Improve Your Communication Skills and Build Meaningful Connections By understanding yourself and what you want better, you’ll develop the confidence to express your needs clearly and authentically, paving the way for stronger, more fulfilling relationships.

Who would benefit from this course?

Anyone experiencing:

Midlife Changes: Reflecting on achievements and possibly changing life directions.
Retirement: Adjusting to life after a career and finding a new purpose.
Job Loss, Career Change or Starting a new Business: Facing the challenges of unemployment or moving to a new job.
Relocation: Adjusting to a new city or environment, which involves building new relationships and adapting to different social dynamics.
Health Issues: Coping with significant health diagnoses or injuries that alter daily life and future plans.
Loss of a Loved One: Managing grief and the emotional upheaval that follows the death of someone close.
Marriage or Divorce: Navigating the complexities of forming or dissolving significant relationships.
Achieving Significant Milestones: Such as paying off debt, achieving financial stability, or other personal accomplishments that require reevaluation of goals and identity.

How do I know I can help you? Is it because I am a medical doctor with two decades of experience helping my patients manage stress?

No. It’s because I’ve been there. I felt the raw fear, the knawing uncertainty, the paralysing doubts about the future.

I know from personal experience that life transitions can leave you feeling unmoored—uncertain about the future, disconnected from your sense of self, and unsure of how to move forward.

This isn’t the end—it’s the beginning of your next chapter.

This course is designed to guide you out of the fog of uncertainty and into a place of clarity. With tools inspired by the wisdom of horses and grounded in practical, immediately applicable strategies, you’ll gain the insights and direction you need to rediscover yourself and plot your path forward.

If you’re ready to replace confusion with clarity, fear with purpose, and doubt with confidence, this course is your roadmap to thriving in your next chapter.

You don’t have to do this on your own. Would you like to explore this course and rediscover your life purpose?

Let’s Get Going in a New Direction – together.

Author Bio: Dr Margaretha Montagu – described as a “game changer”, “gifted healer”, “guiding light” and “life-enriching author” – is an experienced medical doctor, a certified NLP practitioner, a medical hypnotherapist, an equine-assisted psychotherapist (EAGALAcertified) and a transformational retreat leader who guides her clients through life transitions – virtually, or with the assistance of her Friesian and Falabella horses, at their home in the southwest of France.

References:

Bushkin H, van Niekerk R, Stroud L. Searching for Meaning in Chaos: Viktor Frankl’s Story. Eur J Psychol. 2021 Aug 31;17(3):233-242.

Masten AS, Best KM, Garmezy N. Resilience and development: Contributions from the study of children who overcome adversity. Development and Psychopathology. 1990;2(4):425-444.

ten Broeke, Pam, and Marieke A. Adriaanse. “Understanding the setback effect in everyday self‐regulation.” European Journal of Social Psychology 53.4 (2023): 703-719.

Carlson, R. W., & Fishbach, A. (2024). Learning from failure. Motivation Science, 10(3), 160–170. 10. 10.1037/mot0000338.

ten Broeke, Pam, and Marieke A. Adriaanse. “Understanding the setback effect in everyday self‐regulation.” European Journal of Social Psychology 53.4 (2023): 703-719.

Choosing to go through more than one Major Life Change at the same time

I have often asked myself this question. Why complicate life when I’m already struggling through one life transition, by volunteering for another? With the launch of my new From Troubled to Triumphant: Finding Solid Ground during a Life Quake retreat, I am asking myself this very question, yet again. Why take my business in a new direction, loaded with risk, when I have serious health issues?

When we opt for a life transition, it’s like flipping the Monopoly board and saying, “I don’t want to pass Go, I want to own Boardwalk.” It’s about taking control of the narrative. It’s terrifying. I’ve got people around me saying things like, “But why would you change a formula that works perfectly well?” or “You’re giving up stability for what, unpredictability?” But that’s the thing about choosing a transition—it’s not about the transition itself. It’s about knowing there’s something more out there, even if I can’t explain it to anyone else yet, something that will improve my life and in the long run, be seriously beneficial to my health.

Possible Meaning

A voluntary life transition is a self-initiated change that alters the trajectory of your life. Unlike forced transitions—job losses, illness, or unexpected break-ups—voluntary transitions are intentional choices driven by a desire for change.

Initiating a Major Life Change is about taking ownership of your story and betting on your ability to navigate the unknown. While this choice involves risk, it also carries immense potential for growth, satisfaction, and alignment with your authentic self.

These transitions can range from monumental to subtle:

• Career shifts: Leaving a secure job to pursue a passion or start a business, ex. a corporate executive quits their high-paying job to start a non-profit addressing a cause close to their heart.
• Relocation: Moving to a new city, state, or country to explore new opportunities or lifestyles ex. a city dweller decides to leave the urban grind for a quieter, simpler life in the countryside.
• Relationship changes: Choosing to leave a relationship that no longer serves you, ex. you choose to step away from a long-term relationship, not out of conflict, but because you feel it’s holding both partners back from their potential.
• Personal growth decisions: Committing to a lifestyle overhaul, like adopting a healthier routine or pursuing higher education later in life.

That’s all fairly clear, but why do this when we are already trying to cope with job losses, health challenges, relationship endings, and countless other involuntary transitions that kick us out of our comfort zone? We often choose to pile on additional major life changes during these already turbulent times. A new parent might decide to switch careers. Someone going through a divorce might move to a different city. A person facing health challenges might embark on a spiritual journey.

Possible Reasons

When life forces change upon us, we often respond by seeking even more change – a pattern that might seem counterintuitive at first glance.

When involuntary changes disrupt our lives, we often feel powerless. Choosing additional transitions can be a way of trying to regain control of our lives. By actively deciding to make changes, we transform ourselves from victims of circumstance into active participants in our life’s direction.

When life throws us off course, we sometimes start asking ourselves questions about the meaning of our lives which can lead to voluntary changes as we attempt to align our lives more closely with our evolving understanding of what matters most.

Possible Benefits

While it might seem unwise to add voluntary challenges to involuntary ones, this pattern may actually represent an adaptive response. When we’re already in a state of flux, we’re often more capable of fundamental transformation than during periods of stability. For example:

• The health crisis that leads to a complete lifestyle overhaul
• The job loss that inspires a long-desired career change
• The end of a relationship that catalyses a geographical move

However, choosing to go through a life transition isn’t without its risks. Adding voluntary transitions to involuntary ones can overwhelm our cognitive and emotional resources, strain our support systems, and complicate the adaptation process.

The key lies in distinguishing between opportunistic transitions and impulsive ones. Before volunteering for additional life changes during turbulent times, consider:

• Whether the change aligns with your long-term goals
• If your support system can handle the additional stress
• Whether the timing leverages the current disruption or merely adds to it
• If you’re running toward something or away from something

Possible Solutions

Coping with more than one life transition at a time can be challenging. I usually follow the suggestions below (roughly) except, of course, for the last one.)

1. Clarify Your Why: Understand the deeper reasons behind your desire for change. Is it about fulfilment, growth, or a need for authenticity?
2. Plan Strategically: While spontaneity has its place, a solid plan can make the transition smoother. Consider finances, timelines, and resources.
3. Accept the Discomfort: Transitions are rarely smooth. Embrace uncertainty as a sign of progress, not failure.
4. Build a Support System: Surround yourself with people who encourage your journey, even if they don’t fully understand it.
5. Stay Committed: Doubts will arise, but remind yourself why you chose this path. The rewards often come after the hardest parts.
6. And if you struggle to stay committed why not attend a From Troubled to Triumphant: Finding Solid Ground during a Life Quake retreat here in the sun-blessed south of France? Walking the Camino de Santiago de Compostela is more often than not a life-changing experience.

Possible Pattern

A voluntary transition is a fascinating process that many of us go through, often without realising there’s a pattern to it.

The Contemplation Phase is where it all begins. This is when you start feeling that itch for change. Maybe, you’ve lost your job and you’re daydreaming about a new career, or your relationship has ended and you find yourself browsing real estate listings in a city you’ve always wanted to live in. During this phase, you’re weighing pros and cons, imagining “what if” scenarios, and trying to picture yourself in this new life. It can be exciting, but it can also be seriously scary. You might talk to friends or family about your ideas, seeking their input or validation. This phase can last anywhere from a few weeks to several years, depending on the magnitude of the change and your personal circumstances.

Then comes the Leap of Faith. This is the moment when you decide, “Yes, I’m really doing this!” It’s exhilarating and terrifying all at once. You might feel a rush of adrenaline as you submit your resignation letter, sign up for that degree program, or put your house on the market. This phase is often accompanied by a mix of emotions – enthusiasm for the future, pride in taking control of your life, but also perhaps a twinge of nostalgia or fear about leaving your comfort zone.

Next up is what I like to call the Wrestling Chaos phase. This is where the rubber meets the road, and you start dealing with the nitty-gritty details of your transition. If you’re changing careers, you might be juggling job applications, interviews, and maybe some additional training. If you’re moving, you’re dealing with packing, finding a new place to live, and saying goodbye to familiar faces. This phase can be stressful and overwhelming at times. You might have moments of doubt, wondering if you’ve made the right choice. But it’s also a time of incredible growth and learning.

Finally, you reach the New Order phase. This is when things start to settle down, and you begin to find your rhythm in your new reality. If you’ve moved, you’re starting to feel at home in your new city. If you’ve changed careers, you’re getting comfortable in your new role. This phase is about integration and establishing new routines. You might look back and be amazed at how far you’ve come. There’s often a sense of accomplishment and renewed energy.

It’s important to remember that your path isn’t always linear. You might bounce back and forth between phases, or experience them in a different order. And each phase comes with its own set of challenges and rewards. The contemplation phase requires patience and self-reflection. The leap of faith demands courage. Wrestling chaos calls for resilience and problem-solving skills. And establishing a new order takes time and persistence.

Throughout this journey, it’s crucial to be kind to yourself. Voluntary transitions are bold moves, and they’re not always easy, especially against the background of an existing life transition. But they offer incredible opportunities for personal growth, self-discovery, and creating a life that aligns with your values and aspirations.

Case Study: Sarah’s Story – From Corporate Stability to Entrepreneurial Freedom

Sarah’s story exemplifies how involuntary transitions often catalyze voluntary ones. At 42, she was navigating a difficult divorce after 15 years of marriage when she made a decision that surprised even herself: leaving her secure position as a marketing executive to start her own consulting business.

“The divorce wasn’t my choice,” Sarah explains. “But once my personal life was in upheaval, I realised I had been using my marriage’s stability as an excuse to stay in a career that no longer fulfilled me. If I was rebuilding my life anyway, why not rebuild it exactly as I wanted?”

The timing seemed counterintuitive to many. Her friends and family questioned whether adding career uncertainty to personal upheaval was wise. She had a mortgage to pay and the divorce was already straining her finances. Yet Sarah felt an unexpected clarity amid the chaos.

She used her severance package as seed money and leveraged her existing professional network to secure her first clients. The flexible schedule of self-employment actually helped her better manage divorce proceedings and emotional recovery. While the first year brought significant challenges – including several months of minimal income – Sarah found that the professional challenges provided a welcome distraction from her personal transition.

“Starting my business gave me back a sense of control when my personal life felt uncontrollable,” she reflects. “Yes, it was scary, but I was already facing my fears in other areas. What was one more?”

Three years later, Sarah’s consulting firm is thriving, and she notes that both transitions – though painful – led to necessary growth. “Looking back, I’m not sure I would have had the courage to start my own business if my life hadn’t already been disrupted. The divorce forced me to reimagine my future, and once I was doing that, I decided to reimagine everything.”

Final Thoughts

Voluntary life transitions are a testament to human resilience. They’re proof that sometimes, the biggest changes in life aren’t the ones forced upon us, but the ones we choose, even when it’s painful. Staying in the same place might be easier, but let’s face it: easy eventually does get boring. Choosing a transition is how we keep life spicy—it’s the jalapeño on our otherwise bland nachos of existence.

Why do we choose to jump into another transition when we are already caught up in a barely manageable one? Because waiting around for life to force the issue feels like slow suffocation by mediocrity. It’s better to choose the chaos, own the chaos, and come out the other side saying, “Yeah, it was wild—but I made it.”

So, if you’ve been hearing that whisper to take the leap—to quit, to move, to start, to let go—listen. You might just find that the life you’ve been waiting for is on the other side of the decision only you can make.