Author: Margaretha Montagu

Dr Margaretha Montagu – described as a “game changer”, “gifted healer”, “guiding light” and “life-enriching author” – is a certified transformational retreat leader who guides her clients towards their most meaningful and fulfilling lives, particularly when navigating life transitions – virtually, or with the assistance of her Friesian Horses, at their home in the southwest of France.
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Your Friendship Manifesto: Making Friends and Maintaining Friendships

🎄Announcing the imminent start of this year’s Christmas Calendar Countdown!🎄

Dear friends and family,

As you know, I do not send out Christmas/New Year’s cards – saving the trees and what have you – instead, I create an advent calendar each year. Last year, the theme was gratitude, this year it’s making friends and maintaining friendships: 24 lovingly crafted interactive posts offering guidance on forging and nurturing connections, as even one solid friendship can make all the difference during a life transition- and it starts tomorrow, on December the 1st!

Join me each day on Instagram, BlueSky, Threads, Facebook and LinkedIn as we start the countdown to Christmas, with posts filled with insights and inspiration to help you strengthen existing bonds and create new ones.

Sending you all a basket of emotional support Christmas cookies,
Margaretha

Introduction

Having just finished this year’s Christmas Calendar Countdown, I thought I would introduce it by writing a post about the theme of this year’s calendar: Making Friends and Maintaining Friendships. Earlier this week, for the first time ever, I came across the Friendship Manifesto concept, and it fits so perfectly with the Calendar’s theme, that I decided to make it the subject of this post.

Do you feel isolated and disconnected in today’s digital world?

In recent years, the world has been grappling with an increasingly critical social health crisis: the loneliness epidemic. The COVID-19 pandemic dramatically accelerated this trend, with social isolation and digital communication replacing meaningful human connections. This loneliness epidemic underscores the critical importance of intentional, meaningful friendship—making the creation of a personal friendship manifesto not just a philosophical exercise, but a potential lifeline in an increasingly disconnected world. (Bu F, Steptoe A, Fancourt D. Who is lonely in lockdown? Cross-cohort analyses of predictors of loneliness before and during the COVID-19 pandemic. Public Health. 2020;186:31–4.)

Definition of a Friendship Manifesto

A friendship manifesto is a written declaration of values, principles, and intentions that guide how you approach friendships. It’s essentially a personal or collective commitment to creating healthy, meaningful, and supportive relationships with friends.

The manifesto can serve as a blueprint for how you wish to show up as a friend and how you expect to be treated in return. It can also act as a reminder of the importance of friendship and the role it plays in your life.

“Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity.” Khalil Gibran

How to Create Your Own Friendship Manifesto

Understanding Your Friendship Style

Creating a friendship manifesto begins with figuring out who you are and what you want from your friendships. Start by exploring your past and present relationships. Take time to sit quietly, perhaps with a journal in hand, and think about your friendships. Think specifically about the friendships that have been most meaningful, that have supported you through life transitions. What did you learn from these friendships?

Defining Your Friendship Philosophy

Next, look at your fundamental beliefs about friendship and decide what friendship means to you. What are the non-negotiable qualities you seek in a friend? What kind of friend do you aspire to be? This is not about creating a rigid list, but about understanding the core values that guide your approach to relationships. What are your expectations, your boundaries, and the lessons you’ve learned from challenging friendships?

Drafting Your Manifesto

At its core, your friendship manifesto is a personal promise to yourself and the people you care about. Don’t overthink it—just focus on what feels real and right. Write statements that reflect how you want to be treated and how you’ll show up for others. Keep them simple, honest, and actionable. The goal is to capture what matters to you. See below for a list of questions that will make this easier.

A Living, Breathing Document

Your friendship manifesto is more than just a set of principles—it’s a living document that represents your approach to friendships. Write it with care and intention, using first-person language that speaks directly from your heart. Whether you jot it down in a journal, type it up with some cool fonts, or turn it into an artsy collage, it’s all about making it yours. The key is to make it something that resonates with you and feels like a true reflection of who you are.

As a living document, it evolved with you. It isn’t a once-and-done thing—it’s more like a guide that changes as you do. Check in with it every so often—maybe once or twice a year—and see if it still reflects who you are and what you want in your friendships. Add to it, tweak it, or rewrite parts of it as you learn and grow.

Your Friendship Manifesto is a compass for navigating relationships and a testament to your commitment to genuine friendship. The whole point of creating it? To help you build deeper, more authentic connections.

8 Questions to Help You Craft Your Friendship Manifesto

  1. What does true friendship mean to you? Beyond surface-level interactions, what are the qualities you believe transform a casual relationship into a meaningful connection?
  2. What are your non-negotiable boundaries in friendship? Examine the lines between healthy connection and personal autonomy. What does respect look like in your ideal friendships? Think about the ways you want to be treated and the ways you commit to treating others.
  3. How do you approach honest communication? Explore your comfort level with emotional openness, your ability to listen without judgment, and your willingness to share your true self. What does meaningful communication look like in your closest relationships?
  4. What does unconditional support mean to you? Reflect on how you show up for friends during their most difficult moments. How do you balance offering support with respecting their autonomy? Consider the difference between fixing and truly supporting.
  5. How do you honour and celebrate the unique qualities of your friends? Think about the ways you can support your friends’ individual paths, dreams, and challenges without trying to change or control them. What does true acceptance look like in your friendships?
  6. What builds and breaks trust in your relationships? Explore the fundamental elements of reliability, confidentiality, and emotional safety. How do you create and maintain trust? What are your commitments to being a trustworthy friend?
  7. How do you approach conflict and repair in friendships? Reflect on your capacity for forgiveness, your ability to have difficult conversations, and your commitment to healing relationships. What does grace look like when misunderstandings or conflicts arise?
  8. What kind of friend do you truly aspire to be? This is the most profound question of your manifesto. Look deep within yourself and list the fundamental commitments you want to make to yourself and your friends. What are the core principles that will guide your approach to friendship?

Key Element Examples of a Friendship Manifesto

For inspiration, look at these examples:

  1. Radical Authenticity
    I commit to being genuinely myself and creating a space where my friends can be their true, unfiltered selves. To me, authenticity means showing up honestly, without masks or pretence, and accepting each other’s vulnerabilities with compassion and understanding.
  2. Mutual Respect and Boundaries
    Every friendship is a sacred agreement of mutual respect. I will honour my friends’ personal boundaries, recognising that healthy relationships require both connection and individual autonomy. I will respect my friends by listening without judgment and understanding that “no” is a complete sentence.
  3. Unconditional Support
    My friendship is not transactional but transformational. I pledge to support my friends through their victories and challenges, celebrating their successes as if they were my own and standing beside them during difficult times without trying to fix everything, but simply being present.
  4. Open and Honest Communication
    Communication is the lifeline of my friendships. I promise to communicate with kindness, clarity, and courage—addressing conflicts directly, listening actively, and creating a safe space for difficult conversations without defensiveness or blame.
  5. Growth and Evolution
    I accept that friendships are living entities that grow and change. I embrace the understanding that people transform, and I commit to growing alongside my friends, allowing our relationships to evolve naturally without clinging to past versions of each other.
  6. Emotional Accountability
    I take responsibility for my emotions and reactions, understanding that my friends are not responsible for managing my feelings. I will practice self-awareness, seek understanding, and approach conflicts with emotional intelligence and empathy.
  7. Celebration of Individuality
    Each of my friends is a unique universe, and I celebrate their differences. I reject comparison and competition, instead cherishing the distinct qualities, paths, and dreams that make my friends extraordinary.
  8. Reciprocal Investment
    I am convinced that friendship is a mutual investment of time, energy, and care. I commit to being consistently present, showing up not just in convenient moments but during mundane and challenging times. Quality matters more to me than quantity.
  9. Trust as a Foundation
    I make trust is the cornerstone of my friendships. I promise to be reliable, maintain confidentiality, and build trust through consistent actions that align with my words. I will give trust and earn trust through integrity.
  10. Forgiveness
    Accepting that we are all imperfect humans, I commit to practising forgiveness. Mistakes will happen, and misunderstandings will occur, but to me, true friendship means having the capacity to repair, reconnect, and move forward with compassion.

Putting Your Friendship Manifesto into Practice During the Holiday Season

Intentional Connection
The Christmas season provides a unique opportunity to embody the principles of your friendship manifesto. This is a time to move beyond surface-level interactions and put into practice the commitments you’ve outlined in your personal friendship manifesto. Rather than getting caught up in the commercial aspects of the holidays, focus on creating meaningful connections that reflect your core friendship values.

Active Listening and Presence
Your manifesto likely emphasises the importance of being present and truly listening. During the holiday season, this means setting aside distractions when spending time with friends. Put away your phone during gatherings, create space for genuine conversations, and practice active listening. The holidays can be emotionally charged, so approach your friends with extra compassion. Make a conscious effort to be there for them, asking thoughtful questions and showing genuine interest in their experiences, challenges, and joys.

Supportive Gestures
Transform your manifesto’s principles into concrete actions. If you’ve committed to unconditional support, look for specific ways to show up for your friends during this potentially stressful time. you could offer to help with holiday preparations, check in on friends who might find the season difficult, provide emotional support to those experiencing loneliness or grief, and create inclusive gatherings for friends who might not have family nearby.

Boundary Setting and Self-Care
The holidays can be overwhelming, especially if you are an introvert, so honour the boundaries you’ve outlined in your friendship manifesto. This means being honest about your available time and energy, communicating clearly about your holiday plans and limitations, protecting your own well-being while still being supportive and giving yourself and your friends permission to say no to events or interactions that feel draining.

Authentic Gift-Giving
If gift-giving is part of your holiday tradition, approach it as an extension of your friendship principles. Instead of focusing on material value, choose gifts that demonstrate your understanding of your friend’s interests and needs, thoughtfulness more than expense and consideration of your friend’s values and preferences.

Conflict Resolution
The close quarters and emotional intensity of the holiday season can sometimes bring up tensions. Refer to your manifesto’s principles about communication and forgiveness. If conflicts arise:

  • Practice active listening
  • Communicate openly and honestly
  • Stick to your boundaries
  • Go for insight and understanding instead being right
  • Be ready to forgive and be willing to repair relationships

“A friendship can weather most things and thrive in thin soil; but it needs a little mulch of letters and phone calls and small, silly presents every so often – just to save it from drying out completely.” Pam Brown

Final Thoughts

Putting your friendship manifesto into practice is not about doggedly following rules but about consistent, intentional effort. The holiday season offers a beautiful opportunity to transform your friendship manifesto from words into lived experiences.

It’s not what we have in life, but who we have in our life that matters.

References

Louise C Hawkley, John T Cacioppo Loneliness Matters: A Theoretical and Empirical Review of Consequences and Mechanisms Ann Behav Med. 2010 Oct.

Taylor, H.O., Cudjoe, T.K., Bu, F. et al. The state of loneliness and social isolation research: current knowledge and future directions. BMC Public Health 23, 1049 (2023)

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How Susan’s Short and Simple Vision Statement Helped Her Cope with Uncertainty

“All great things begin with a vision… a dream… I’ve always believed that success comes from not letting your eyes stray from that target. Anyone who wants to achieve a dream must stay focused, strong, and steady.” Estee Lauder

It’s that time of the year again. Retreat season is slowly coming to an end, only one retreat left for this year and that is the Book Lover’s Christmas Binge Reading retreat. I’m looking backwards towards spring, summer and autumn 2024, to figure out what went well, what didn’t and how I want to change what I do in 2025.

As my newsletter readers know, 2025 will be the year I start offering my signature retreats (gulp!) My health constraints are forcing me to do retreats less often, so I’ll gradually be transitioning towards longer (7 days instead of 5 days) and less frequent retreats (once a month only) and I’ll be focussing on working with people going through life transitions exclusively.

As 2025 will be a transition year, all my 5-day retreats will still be available, but less frequently.

Mindfully looking forward and backward, I felt a bit overwhelmed by the extent of this change, the risk involved and the amount of work I would need to do to make it happen. I decided I needed a vision statement for 2025. Vision statements are like road maps, they show you the way you want to go and keep you on track until you reach your destination.

You know that feeling when you’re at a crossroads in life, and everything feels a little…well, messy? That was me a couple of years ago. And now, as I’m wrapping up my 2024 retreat season and gearing up for big changes in 2025, it all feels strikingly familiar. Retreats have always been my thing—creating a place where my guests can rest, reflect, and, if needed, reinvent themselves. But this year, it’s me standing in that reflection space.

It’s exciting and terrifying in equal measure, and I’ll admit, the thought of reimagining everything from scratch has been overwhelming. I knew I needed a clear vision to guide me, not just for 2025 but for how I want to live and work moving forward.

When you are going through a life transition, a well-crafted vision statement helps you stay grounded by articulating what truly matters to you and the future you want to create. It serves as a powerful reminder of your long-term goals and values, helping you navigate challenges and make decisions that align with your authentic self. In essence, a vision statement transforms uncertainty into opportunity by giving you a clear roadmap for whatever comes next.

I remembered something a former guest of mine, Susan, shared after a Camino de Santiago walking retreat. She had crafted a vision statement during her time there—one that, as she put it, “kept her sane and focused” during her own life upheaval. Her story stayed with me, partly because of how relatable it was.

Here’s how she told it:

Susan’s Camino Story: Finding Clarity One Step at a Time

“There’s a moment in every woman’s life,” Susan had written to me, “when she looks at herself in the mirror and thinks, What the hell am I doing?”

For her, that moment came at 52, under the unflattering glare of a bathroom’s fluorescent lights. Her kids were grown. Her career—a blur of endless meetings and PowerPoint slides—left her feeling like a hamster on a wheel. And her marriage? Let’s just say it hadn’t survived the transition to an empty nest.

That’s how she found herself signing up for a five-day Camino retreat. She wasn’t an outdoorsy type, and she wasn’t looking for some Eat, Pray, Love-style epiphany. She just knew she needed help.

Day 1: The Bulging Backpack

Susan’s story began with an overstuffed backpack. She’d packed too many clothes (a rookie mistake) and underestimated how much walking all day would challenge her. But by the time she was trudging through the rolling hills of Gascony, surrounded by green fields and adorable (but definitely smug) sheep, something began to shift.

That first evening, she asked me if I could help her craft a vision statement. Susan explained that she’d written vision and mission statements for companies throughout her career, so why not one for herself?

I gave her a small notebook and told her, “The Camino will do the hard work. Your job is just to notice what comes up.”

Day 2: A Wildflower Moment

The next day, Susan stopped by a cluster of wildflowers and remembered something I’d said the night before: “Your vision isn’t just about goals. It’s about who you are and who you want to be.”

At first, she rolled her eyes (totally fair—I would’ve done the same). But as she walked, she realised how true it was.

“I didn’t know who I wanted to be,” she wrote later, “but I knew who I didn’t want to be: afraid, stuck, and too scared to try something new.”

That night, she jotted down a simple list:

  • Who I don’t want to be: Trapped. Afraid. Alone.
  • Who I want to be: Brave enough to leave my comfort zone.

It wasn’t polished or profound, but it was a start.

Day 3: Soup and Simplicity

Day three brought one of those Camino moments that stay with you forever. Susan stopped for lunch at a tiny café—a place with mismatched chairs, herbs hanging from the ceiling, and a sleepy cat basking in a sunbeam. The owner, Colette, served her soup in a chipped ceramic bowl.

“It was just soup,” Susan said. “But it felt like the universe was hugging me.”

Colette, with all the wisdom of someone who’s lived a simple and full life, told her, “The simple things are the most important.”

And that was it: simplicity. Susan realised how cluttered her life had become—not just physically, but emotionally. She’d spent years chasing more—more success, more recognition, more validation—without ever asking herself if she truly needed it.

That evening, she added her first vision word to her notebook: Simplicity.

Day 4: The Long Path

The fourth day tested Susan in ways she hadn’t expected. The path was longer, her feet were sore, and the novelty of walking had officially worn off. But when she reached the top of a hill and saw the landscape open up—a fertile valley, a meandering river, and sunflower fields stretching to the horizon—she had another epiphany.

“I’d spent so much of my life avoiding difficult things,” she wrote. “But walking that longer path reminded me that the hard things—the ones that make you sweat and ache—are often the most rewarding.”

That night, she added another word: Courage.

By the final day, Susan felt lighter—not physically (her feet were still screaming), but mentally. She shared her reflections with me that evening.

“My vision,” she said, “is to live simply, with courage. To stop avoiding the hard paths and start choosing what feels meaningful, even if it’s scary.”

Back Home

Susan emailed me a few weeks later, saying that her Camino vision had stuck with her. She’d decluttered her home, signed up for a creative writing class, and started exploring a new career path.

“It’s not perfect,” she admitted. “But it’s mine: Live simply. Be brave. Choose the longer path when it matters. On the tough days, when I feel like I’m spinning my wheels or drowning in uncertainty, I look at it and think, Okay, what’s one small thing I can do today to live with courage, kindness, or curiosity?”

Why You Should Write Your Own Vision Statement

Hearing Susan’s story reminded me how powerful a vision statement can be—not just for your career, but for your life.

Just grab a notebook, carve out some quiet time, and ask yourself:

  • What kind of person do I want to be moving forward?
  • What do I care about, really?
  • What am I willing to leave behind, and what do I want to carry with me?
  • What am I afraid of, and how can I face it?

You do owe it to yourself to take a moment to think about what really matters to you.

vision statement

If you can’t carve out the time to attend one of my retreats at my little farmhouse here in the southwest of France but still feel the need to reflect, reset, rediscover your life’s purpose and create a vision statement, the Rearing to get going in the Right Direction e- course, inspired by my horses, might be just the thing for you. Designed to help you reconnect with your core values, this course provides practical tools and reflective exercises that guide you through clarifying your priorities and uncovering what truly matters to you. During the course I introduce you to actionable strategies to help you uncover your true purpose – the exact ones I use myself – all at your own pace, in your own home. Whether you’re navigating a life transition, or simply seeking clarity, the course offers a structured yet flexible framework equipping you with a step-by-step process to create a compelling vision for your future. And if you need some additional support, you can opt for 1:1 coaching. It’s like having a retreat in your pocket, ready to use whenever you are.

If you have a couple of questions before you start creating YOUR vision statement, I have answered the ones I get most often below:

5 FAQs About Vision Statements

  1. What is a vision statement, and how does it differ from a mission statement?
    A vision statement is a concise declaration of your aspirations and the impact you want to create in your life or work. It acts as a guiding star, helping you stay focused on your long-term goals and providing clarity during decision-making. A vision statement describes where you want to go and what you aim to achieve in the future, while a mission statement focuses on your current actions and how you will achieve your goals.
  2. What are the key elements of a strong vision statement?
    A strong vision statement is clear, inspiring, future-focused, and aligned with your core values. It should reflect your aspirations and motivate you to take action.
  3. How long should a vision statement be?
    Ideally, a vision statement is short and memorable, often a single sentence or a brief paragraph. However, its length can vary as long as it remains clear and impactful.
  4. What if I feel stuck or unsure about what to include in my vision statement?
    If you’re feeling stuck, start by reflecting on your values, passions, and long-term goals. Journaling, guided prompts, or courses like Road Map to Resilience can help you gain clarity and structure your thoughts.
  5. How often should I revisit or update my vision statement?
    Revisit your vision statement whenever you experience significant life changes or transitions. Reviewing it annually or biannually ensures it remains relevant and aligned with your evolving goals.

You must have some vision for your life. Even if you don’t know the plan, you have to have a direction in which you choose to go… You want to be in the driver’s seat of your own life because if you are not, life will drive you.” Oprah Winfrey

I put the essence of who I am, and everything I have experienced that makes me who I am, with great enthusiasm, into my retreats, courses and books. – Dr Margaretha Montagu (MBChB, MRCGP, NLP master pract (cert,) Transformational Life Coach (dip,) Life Story Coach (cert) Counselling (cert,) Med Hypnotherapy (dip) and EAGALA (cert)

Why just survive when you can thrive? Enrol in my How to Survive a Life Quake 7-part online course. Think of it as your step-by-step survival kit for those “what-on-earth-just-happened” moments in life.

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Why I Stopped Working Harder and How I Started Working Smarter

It’s not the load that breaks you down. It’s the way you carry it. – Lena Horne

At least once a year I revisit the concept of “working smarter, not harder.” Why? Because I quickly forget. I forget that working harder and harder does not mean I am necessarily more productive.

Tina’s Triumphant Tale

This year, Tina, one of my Camino de Santiago Walking Retreat guests reminded me of this in no uncertain terms. Here is what Tina told me one mellow afternoon as we sat chatting in Merlin the Magnificent’s shade (one of my 200-year-old oak trees:)

“Let me tell you how my week usually started: Monday morning, 7:02 a.m., and I was already staring down my third cup of coffee like it owed me an apology. My to-do list looked like it had been on steroids, my inbox was a digital hellscape, and I had got a Post-it stuck to my sleeve because I fell asleep at my desk the night before. Again.

I was juggling three project deadlines, a client call, and trying to remember if I’d fed the dog that morning (I had, of course I had). My smart watch was buzzing with notifications, my coffee had gone cold for the third time, when I finally realised something profound: this wasn’t living. This was hardly existing.

“I need to work harder,” I decided.

Let’s rewind a bit. I’d always been the overachiever. In college, I was that student pulling all-nighters, surviving on instant ramen and determination. When I landed my first corporate job, I carried that same mentality with me. “First one in, last one out” was my unwritten motto. I prided myself on my ability to multitask, to handle impossible workloads, to be the go-to person for everything.

But here’s the dirty little secret no one tells you about being the “reliable one”: it’s exhausting. Absolutely, soul-crushingly exhausting.

I ended up being that stereotypical overworked, underpaid middle manager who was slowly losing her spark.

I used to think all this chaos meant I was crushing it. I thought hustling until my left eye twitched was some kind of badge of honour. It wasn’t until my then-11-year-old said, “Mom, don’t you ever have fun anymore?” that it hit me like a brick wrapped in shame. I didn’t know how to answer.

Since then, I hadn’t magically managed to Marie Kondo my life and became a minimalist with 12 identical black T-shirts and a perfectly curated capsule wardrobe (though honestly, that does sound phenomenal). Nope. But I started working smarter. Though probably not the way you think.

Six Steps from the Old Me to the New Me

Step One: It’s My Own Fault (?)

So before I had my epiphany (read: mental breakdown), I was that person. You know, the one who brags about being “so busy” like it’s an Olympic sport. I said yes to everything: extra projects, weekend meetings, PTA bake sales (despite being terrible at baking), even pointless Zoom calls that could’ve been a freaking email. I’d convinced myself that saying “yes” meant I was dependable, successful, and valuable. But really? It just made me tired, hangry and kinda cranky.

Finally, I missed an important deadline—not because I didn’t care, but because I’d spent so much time juggling a million other things that the ball I was actually supposed to catch smacked me right in the face. I had no choice but to sit down and ask myself: Why am I doing this? Who told me “busy” equals “productive”?

No one was going to give me a trophy for sacrificing my sanity. And the worst part? I didn’t even realise I deserved one. I was just running myself ragged for… what, exactly? Clout? (Nobody cares how many hours you work and you’re too exhausted to enjoy the rewards afterwards anyway.)

Step Two: Time to Break Up With My Inner Martyr

Once I realised I was the architect of my own misery (ugh), I made one simple vow: I refuse to be that person from that moment on. This might sound fairly obvious now, but let me tell you, at the time it was a game-changer.

I used to think working late into the night made me a hero. Now, I ask myself a blunt but important question: Am I doing this because it’s actually necessary, or am I doing this because it makes me feel important?

Anytime I catch myself leaning toward the “martyr” mindset, I pretend I’m giving advice to my best friend. Because let’s be real—if my bestie told me she was pulling an all-nighter to perfect a PowerPoint that only three people would see, I’d smack her (lovingly) with a pillow and say, “Girl, no. Go to bed.”

Step Three: The Power of Letting Go

Okay, hear me out: I’m not actually lazy. (Well, unless we’re talking about folding laundry. Then yes, I’m fully Team Wrinkle.) But what I am is selective. These days, I don’t waste my time on anything that doesn’t pass my “Is this actually worth it?” test.

For example: I stopped taking notes during meetings. Shocking, I know. But here’s the deal—if something’s really important, it’ll come up again. And if it’s not? Well, then it wasn’t worth remembering in the first place.

I also mastered the art of delegation, which used to feel so awkward. (Asking for help does not, in fact, mean you’re a failure. Wild, right?) Now I outsource like my life depends on it—whether it’s hiring someone to deep-clean my house once a month or letting my kids pack their own school lunches. Sure, one time my son packed himself a single bagel and a chocolate bar, but hey, he learned. And I didn’t have to do it. Win-win.

Step 4 The Game Plan: Small Tweaks, Big Results

This wasn’t an overnight transformation. It was messy, uncomfortable, and required me to completely rewire my brain. I was my own worst enemy:

  • Email Overload: I was checking my inbox every 10 minutes like it was a life-or-death situation.
  • Perfectionism Paralysis: I’d spend 45 minutes tweaking a presentation font because heaven forbid someone think I wasn’t a Times New Roman gal.
  • Multitasking Mayhem: I thought I was being efficient, but really, I was just writing emails with typos while forgetting why I walked into the kitchen.

I needed to change. Here are the game-changing strategies I implemented to do just that:

  1. Energy Management, Not Time Management Forget tracking every minute. I started tracking my energy levels. When am I most creative? When do I hit peak focus? Turns out, my golden productivity hours are between 9-11 AM and then again from 3-5 PM. Everything else? Meetings, emails, admin stuff. No more forcing deep work during my natural low-energy zones. I created what I now call my “energy map” – a colour-coded calendar that tracks not just my appointments, but my actual productivity potential. Green zones are my peak performance times, yellow are moderate, and red are basically “do not disturb unless the building is on fire” moments.
  2. The Two-Minute Rule If a task takes less than two minutes, I do it immediately. No adding it to a list, no “I’ll get to it later.” Instant action. This small shift was revolutionary. My inbox became manageable, my desk stayed relatively clear, and I stopped letting tiny tasks become mental clutter. You’d be amazed how many “urgent” things can be handled in 120 seconds or less. Responding to that quick email? Two minutes. Filing that expense report? Two minutes. Sending a thank-you note? Two minutes. Suddenly, my to-do list wasn’t this mammoth mountain of terror anymore.
  3. Strategic Saying No This was hard for a people-pleaser like me. But I realised that every “yes” to something was a “no” to something else – often something more important. Now, I’m ruthless about my commitments. Not in a mean way, but in a self-preserving way. I developed a simple decision-making framework. Before saying yes to anything, I ask myself three questions:
    • Does this align with my core professional or personal goals?
    • Can someone else do this just as effectively?
    • What will I have to sacrifice to make this happen?
  4. Time Blocking (a.k.a. My Sanity Saver) Instead of bouncing between tasks like a caffeinated squirrel, I block out chunks of time for specific things. Emails from 9–10 AM. Writing projects from 10:30–12 PM. Lunch at 12 (and yes, I actually eat away from my desk now). Pro tip: During these blocks, I mute notifications. If the world’s ending, someone will call.
  5. Batch Tasks for Maximum Efficiency Grouping similar tasks together is surprisingly effective. I group similar tasks together and knock them out in one go. Emails? Done in 30 minutes flat. Content creation? Knocked out on Tuesdays. Meal prep? Well… still working on that one, but hey, I’m making progress.

Step Five: Automate Like I’m Running a Tech Start-Up

I used to spend hours every week on stuff that could’ve been automated. HOURS. I’m talking mundane, soul-sucking tasks like scheduling appointments, sending follow-ups, and remembering to pay the electric bill before it’s too late (again).

Then I discovered apps. Glorious, life-saving apps. Now, my calendar sends me reminders, my groceries show up on my doorstep, and my bills get paid without me having to lift a finger. It’s like having a personal assistant who works for free and doesn’t judge you for eating cereal at 11 p.m. Three of my favourites:

  • Trello or Notion: Think of these as Pinterest for your brain. I organize my life into neat little boards and lists, and it feels oddly satisfying.
  • Google Calendar (With Reminders!): I set reminders for literally everything—deadlines, appointments, and even when to water my plants (RIP to the ones I forgot before).
  • Otter.ai: This transcribes meetings or voice memos for me. Because who has time to re-listen to an hour-long call for the one important thing someone said?

Step Six: Redefine Success (Because the Old Definition isn’t working anymore)

Somewhere along the line, I realised that my old definition of success—working myself to the bone and praying for a pat on the back—was a one-way ticket to Burnout City. So I decided to change it.

Now, success looks like this:

  • Having time to laugh with my kids without checking my phone every five seconds.
  • Taking a random Tuesday off to read a book in bed, just because I can.
  • Saying “no” to things that don’t light me up or pay my bills. (Honestly, this one has changed my life.)

Working smarter isn’t about being selfish—it’s about being intentional. It’s about realising that you don’t have to climb every mountain; sometimes you just need to find a better trail or, better yet, take the ski lift.

So here I am. Rocking self-care by attending this Camino de Santiago walking retreat. It was something I always wanted to do, but it has been languishing on my bucket list for years. Decades. Not any longer, now I focus on doing this sort of thing to keep my batteries fully charged.

Look, I’m not saying I’ve got it all figured out. There are still days when I slip into old habits, overcommit, or say yes to something out of guilt. (Hey, I’m human. And also, people-pleasing is hard to quit.) But now I know how to pull myself back before I spiral into full-blown chaos.

The crazy part? By doing less, I actually accomplished more. My work quality improved. My stress levels plummeted. I started sleeping better, reconnected with my family, and rediscovered hobbies I thought I’d abandoned forever.

My team noticed too. Instead of seeing a frazzled manager running from fire to fire, they saw someone strategic, calm, and genuinely present. Productivity isn’t about looking busy – it’s about making a meaningful impact.

So tell your guests to work smarter, not harder. Trust me—it’s way more fun. 😉”

Final Thoughts

Do you also think hustling is a virtue? It’s not. And rest is not a reward. It’s a necessity. Success isn’t measured by how exhausted you are, but by the quality of your life and the impact you make on the lives of others.

This journey isn’t about perfection. Some days, I still fall back into old patterns. Some weeks, my to-do list feels overwhelming. But now I have the tools and strategies that I use daily and That I share with my retreat guests, and most importantly – I have self-compassion.

So, next time you’re overwhelmed, ask yourself: Am I making this harder than it needs to be? You might be surprised by how many things you can simplify—or just stop doing altogether.

So here’s to working smarter, not harder. Starting TODAY.

Author Bio: Dr Margaretha Montagu – described as a “game changer”, “gifted healer”, “guiding light” and “life-enriching author” – is an experienced medical doctor, a certified NLP practitioner, a medical hypnotherapist, an equine-assisted psychotherapist (EAGALAcertified) and a transformational retreat leader who guides her clients through life transitions – virtually, or with the assistance of her Friesian and Falabella horses, at their home in the southwest of France.

Imagine having a survival toolkit ready next time you’re hit by a life-shattering transition. My How to Survive a Life Quake 7-part online course isn’t just another hybrid course – with or without coaching – it’s a heartfelt made-with-love guide packed with tools to help you survive and even thrive through life’s toughest transitions, with resilience.

Esprit Meraki Retreats
From Troubled to Triumphant: Finding Solid Ground During a LIfe Quake Retreat
Walking and Writing Retreat: Find Insight and Inspiration with Every Step
Tick-off-Your-Bucket-List Camino de Santiago Walking Retreat
Book Lover’s Binge Reading Retreat and Christmas Binge Reading Retreat

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The Critical First Five Years of Business: Why Most New Ventures Crash and Burn

life coach

Why Becoming a Life Coach is Not Necessarily a Good Choice

A good number of my Camino de Santiago Walking Retreat guests come to my little farm here in the well-kept secret southwest of France to get clarity about whether they should leave their current job and start their own business. It is one of the life transitions that I work with most frequently, especially since the pandemic. Of that percentage, the majority are thinking of starting a coaching business.

They often ask me for advice, and obviously, I want to be positive and supportive, but the numbers go against me. The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) reports that 49.7% of businesses fail within 5 years. In other countries, the failure rates are often similar, but cultural, economic, and policy differences can influence the exact percentages. The estimated figures are:

  • 18.4% of businesses fail within the first year
  • 49.7% fail within the first 5 years
  • 65.6% fail within the first 10 years
  • Only 25% make it beyond 15 years

Several key factors contribute to this high failure rate:

  1. Cash flow problems: 82% of businesses
  2. Strong competition: 20% of businesses
  3. Lack of market demand: 35% of businesses
  4. Inadequate business planning: 20-50% of businesses

The numbers for life coaching businesses are even more dire. Although life coaching is the second-fastest-growing industry in the world with an average yearly growth of 6.7%, the demand for life coaches is still trending upward, the industry is expected to keep growing at about a 5.4% growth rate and the global market size of the coaching industry is over USD 15 billion, the failure rate of life coaches is notably high compared to many other industries.

It is estimated that over 90% of life coaches fail, primarily due to not having a specific niche or failing to establish a steady client base. This is significantly higher than the general business failure rate. The information industry has a 60.9% failure rate after five years, which affects coaches who also sell online courses. The life coaching industry faces unique challenges such as low barriers to entry, lack of regulation, and competition from unqualified practitioners, which all contribute to its high failure rate. (84 Key Life Coaching Statistics for 2024 Written By Sai C.N.G. Blackbyrn Published on May 26, 2023)

So how do I advise my guests? I explain that the high failure rate underscores the importance of careful planning, strong support systems, and adaptability for new entrepreneurs. If they want to start businesses as coaches, I add that certain niches within life coaching tend to have higher success rates and are considered more profitable. In others, there is either no market demand or overwhelming, established competition. Currently, some of the most successful and in-demand life coaching niches include:

Executive Coaching: This niche is highly lucrative as it caters to high-level professionals and businesses where the stakes are higher. Executive coaches can command premium rates due to the potential for significant financial impact on their clients’ careers or businesses.

Career Coaching: With 40,000 monthly Google searches, career coaching is the second most sought-after coaching niche. It’s particularly successful when focused on specific industries or career transitions, such as “career transition coaching for executives.”

Business Coaching: This niche ranks fourth in overall demand with 34,900 monthly searches. Specialised business coaching, such as “sales coaching for tech startups” or “sustainable business coaching,” can be particularly successful.

Health Coaching: Ranking fifth in overall demand, health coaching receives 22,200 monthly searches. The wellness industry is a $480 billion market, making this a potentially lucrative niche.

Wellness Coaching: With 15,900 monthly searches, wellness coaching is also in high demand. Coaches in this niche can focus on holistic approaches, such as “holistic health coaching for CEOs.

Mindset and Accountability Coaching: This niche is growing in popularity, with 7,700 monthly searches. Mindset coaches help clients overcome limiting beliefs and achieve their goals, which can apply to various aspects of life and business. It is results-focused and often involves regular client check-ins.

Financial Coaching: This niche includes personal finance coaching, debt coaching, and retirement planning coaching. Financial coaches help clients manage their finances better, which can lead to high-ticket engagements.

Relationship Coaching: Relationship coaches assist clients in improving or repairing personal relationships, which can be emotionally intensive but rewarding work

Productivity Coaching: This is an emerging high-ticket niche for 2023, focusing on helping entrepreneurs and professionals be more effective and identify high-leverage activities.

By specialising in these niches and tailoring services to specific target audiences (e.g., executives, entrepreneurs, or high-profile individuals), life coaches can increase their chances of success and command higher fees for their expertise.

Having said that, demand is not the only factor that needs to be taken into account when choosing a niche. Competition is equally important. I’m starting to sound to myself as if I’m trying to teach my grandmother how to suck eggs, but it is seriously alarming that many of my guests are prepared to resign at the drop of a hat from their current positions without doing any market research before they launch themselves into the unknown.

You know by now that I am a storyteller at heart. So allow me to entertain you with Anie’s story – you might even pick up an insight or two:

Annie’s Story: From Corporate Burnout to Relationship Guru

Annie was one of those people. The ones who crushed it at networking events, could close deals before their second cup of coffee, and always had a calendar so color-coded it looked like a kindergartener’s art project. She’d worked her way up the corporate ladder at a Big Tech firm in New York, pulling six figures and rocking power suits so sharp they could slice through any poorly-worded email.

But something was missing.

At first, Annie chalked it up to burnout. Then to her ergonomic desk chair that definitely wasn’t as lumbar-supporting as HR promised. But deep down, she knew: her job just wasn’t it. And one Tuesday morning, while scanning LinkedIn over a cold, forgotten oat milk latte, she stumbled upon a post that would change her life. It read:

“Follow your passion and the money will follow. Become a life coach today!”

Her heart leaped. Yes! A life coach! She was great at pep talks—her coworkers said so all the time. And really, how hard could it be? You just had to tell people to believe in themselves and charge $200 an hour for the privilege. Easy. She slammed her laptop shut and submitted her resignation before her boss could rope her into another “quick” strategy meeting that lasted three hours.

Step One: Diving In head-first

With visions of being the next Brené Brown dancing in her head, Annie got to work. First, a website. Naturally, she spent two weeks obsessing over the perfect tagline. It needed to be inspirational yet edgy, professional yet approachable. She finally settled on: “Transforming Your Life, One Pep Talk at a Time.”

She slapped on a photo of herself smiling in a designer blazer and hit publish. The next day, she checked her analytics. Zero visitors. No problem, she thought. Success takes time. She decided to spread the word on Instagram, posting a selfie with the caption:

“Ready to change lives! DM me for coaching rates 💪 #LifeCoachLife #Lifelessons”

One like. From her mom.

Step Two: Coming up for air

Annie’s first client was, technically speaking, herself. A week into her entrepreneurial journey, she realized she hadn’t done any market research. Sure, life coaching sounded cool, but what kind of coach was she? Career? Fitness? Mindset? Would she have to buy a ring light and start doing TikToks?

She scrambled to take an online course: “The 7-Day Life Coach Bootcamp.” It promised to teach her everything she needed to know. But by Day 3, Annie felt more confused than ever. Her biggest takeaway? People loved niche coaches. There were burnout coaches, money mindset coaches, even coaches who coached other coaches. What could I do that’s niche enough?

Her revelation came during an awkward dinner party, the kind where the wine flows but the conversation doesn’t. Annie casually mentioned her new life-coaching venture, adding she was thinking of focussing on relationships, only for her friend Lisa to snort into her sauvignon blanc.

“Oh, Annie, you’re single. Who’s gonna take your advice?”

The table erupted in laughter. Annie, however, didn’t. She was too busy having an epiphany.

“Helping Singles find Love,” she whispered. “That’s my niche.”

Step Three: Treading Water

There was just one teensy problem: Annie’s own love life was a dumpster fire. She’d had more bad dates than a rotten fruit aisle and ghosting had practically become her love language. But hey, what better way to connect with clients than by being relatable?

She rebranded overnight. The website now read: “Annie: The Relationship Coach for Real People.” Her Instagram bio declared: “Helping you find love without losing your mind (or dignity).” And as luck would have it, she got her first real client the next day.

Her name was Marcy, a woman in her late 30s who’d been ghosted so many times she was convinced her photos on dating apps were haunted. Annie gave her the only advice she could think of: “Be confident and show them who’s boss. If he doesn’t text you back, send a GIF of a cat waving goodbye. Works every time.”

It didn’t. Marcy texted Annie the next week: “That GIF idea bombed, but your pep talk helped me block the guy. Thanks, Coach!”

Marcy’s testimonial on Annie’s website read: “She gets it. Annie’s like a best friend who actually answers your texts.”

Suddenly, the ball started rolling.

Step Four: Surfing the Wave

Word spread. Annie’s brand of coaching—equal parts tough love, meme-worthy humour, and practical advice—was a hit. She hosted webinars with titles like “How to Stop Dating Those Walking Red Flags” and “Texting Like a Queen: Flirty but Not Desperate.” Her inbox overflowed with clients looking to get unstuck in their love lives.

But Annie wasn’t just telling people what to do. She was learning. She devoured books on psychology, attachment styles, and the science of attraction. She even went on a few dates herself—not for romance, but for research. (Though one date, a charming book editor named Ryan, did stick around. Research success?)

Step Five: Hitting the Rapids

Within two years, Annie went from a scrappy solopreneur to a full-fledged relationship guru. She launched an online course, “Swipe Right on Yourself: Building Confidence Before Love,” that sold out in 48 hours. She started a podcast where she and guests dissected real-life dating disasters. People loved her no-nonsense approach.

Unlike other coaches who preached affirmations and manifestation, Annie kept it real. Her tagline evolved again: “I can’t promise you’ll find ‘The One.’ But I can promise you’ll never waste time on ‘Not It’ again.”

By year three, she was a sought-after keynote speaker, sharing stages with TED Talk alumni and bestselling authors. Her relatability was her superpower. Annie never pretended to have it all figured out—she just knew how to guide people to figure it out for themselves.

Final Step: Floating in Calm Waters

One evening, after wrapping a virtual coaching session, Annie sat down at her laptop and opened her bank account. For the first time, she saw a number that made her do a double-take. She was officially earning more than she ever had in corporate.

The irony wasn’t lost on her. She’d quit her high-paying city job chasing passion and ended up with a career that was just as lucrative—only this time, she didn’t dread Mondays.

As she closed her laptop, Ryan walked into the room holding two glasses of wine. “Celebrating something?” he asked, handing her a glass.

“Just that I’m living proof you don’t have to be perfect to help people,” she said with a grin.

And that, dear story lover, is how Annie went from burnt-out corporate drone to the queen of relationship coaching—one awkward dinner party and questionable GIF at a time. After all the negativity I started this article, I had to make this story a bit more inspiring.

What is clear from Annie’s story, is that to become a successful coach these days, you are going to have to work extremely hard. Most likely harder than you ever did in your corporate job. Without any guarantees.

A slightly less onerous option for new coaches may be to choose a niche with less competition. There are a number of brand-new niches due to evolving societal needs and technological advancements. Here are some of the key trends:

  • Virtual Coaching: This trend continues to dominate, with coaches leveraging technology to conduct sessions online, making coaching more accessible and flexible for clients worldwide.
  • Hybrid Coaching Models: Combining in-person and virtual sessions, hybrid models cater to diverse client preferences and enhance personalised coaching experiences.
  • AI-Powered Coaching: The integration of artificial intelligence in coaching is on the rise, offering data-driven insights and personalised coaching solutions.
  • Niche Coaching: There is a growing demand for specialized coaching services that address specific client needs, such as career transition, mental health, and resilience.
  • Eco-Coaching and Metaverse Coaching: Novel niches like eco-coaching, which focuses on sustainability, and metaverse coaching, which helps clients navigate digital realities, are emerging.
  • Mental Health Coaching: With increasing awareness of mental health issues, there is a rising demand for coaches who specialise in building psychological resilience and well-being.
  • Augmented Reality Coaching: This emerging trend involves using augmented reality to enhance coaching experiences, offering immersive and interactive sessions.
  • Video Marketing and Social Media Coaching: Coaches are increasingly using video marketing to engage clients and promote their services on platforms like Instagram and TikTok.

These trends reflect a shift towards more personalised, technology-driven, and super-specialised coaching services that cater to the diverse needs of clients in today’s fast-changing world.

Some of my guests ask me about my own approach. My situation is a bit different, as I am not a coach in the classical sense. I am first and foremost a retreat host, and I specialise in helping people who come on my retreats make their way through life transitions. I did not set out to become a life transition coach, but as walking the Camino de Santiago is part of my retreats and many people who walk the Camino are going through life transitions, it happened organically. In addition, I have gone through several life transitions myself.

So my niche is Life Transition Coaching and I use Mindset Coaching to share my values: gratefulness, kindness, friendship and faith. As I am also a writer, so writing, especially journaling, is my main medium and this extends to a couple of online courses. I guess, because of my medical background, physical and mental health will always be the driving forces behind any coaching/counselling/mentoring I do.

One thing I have learned during the last 15 years, it that this business is not static. On the contrary, it is in continuous flux. What worked last year, might well not work this year. So recently, I have embraced AI-enhanced writing with open arms and now also AI-Powered Coaching.

If you decide to attend one of my signature retreats, From Troubled to Triumphant: Finding Solid Ground During a Life Transition here in the sun-drenched southwest of France, do not expect any sugar-coated answers. I’ll give it to you straight, and explain exactly what to do to avoid ending as one of the 90% who failed.

Hit the pause button and regain your footing during a From Troubled to Triumphant Retreat. Imagine walking a peaceful stretch of the Camino de Santiago, where every step helps untangle the mental clutter or spending time with gentle Friesian horses who teach you the art of mindfulness. Whether you choose to make a change or are forced to, this retreat offers the perfect blend of peace, perspective, and playful exploration to help you rise from troubled to triumphant!

Dr Margaretha Montagu – MBChB, MRCGP, NLP Master Pract cert, Transformational Life Coach dip, Counselling cert, Med Hyp Dip and EAGALA cert

Imagine having a survival toolkit ready next time you’re hit by a life-shattering transition. My How to Survive a Life Quake 7-part online course isn’t just another hybrid course – with or without coaching – it’s a heartfelt made-with-love guide packed with tools to help you survive and even thrive through life’s toughest transitions, with resilience.

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Remote Work: A Tale of Two Temperaments – Introverts and Extroverts

remote work

Is working remotely really the introvert’s dream and the extrovert’s nightmare?

With so many people, nearly three years after the pandemic still working remotely, by choice, it might seem as if the statement above might well be true. Not for me, though. I consider myself an inveterate introvert, and I spend long hours working on my own, marketing my Camino de Santiago walking retreats, but I also need regular contact with friends and family to keep me grounded.

When I met my friend Hannah for coffee at our favourite bistro, I discovered I wasn’t the only one. According to Hannah, she had always felt out of place in the office. Open-plan desks, forced conversations about last night’s Netflix binge, and the dreaded “Happy Birthday” singalongs—none of it was her scene. So, when her company announced they were offering permanent remote work, she couldn’t sign up fast enough.

No more awkward coffee breaks. No more Karen from HR asking if she had “big plans for the weekend.”

The first week was everything she’d dreamed of. She woke up to birdsong instead of her alarm, brewed her own coffee instead of suffering through whatever tar-like concoction the office kitchen offered, and basked in the absence of small talk. She didn’t even mind that she spent half the day on Zoom. Turning her camera off and pretending to listen was far easier than surviving in-person brainstorming sessions.

By week two, cracks started to show.

Hannah, much to her own surprise, missed the routine of the commute. Now, her days started in a haze of endless sameness. Bedroom to laptop. Laptop to kitchen. Kitchen to couch. And back again.

The silence, once soothing, became oppressive. She noticed how loud her apartment was: the constant hum of the fridge, the neighbour’s dog barking, and the faint screech of tyres on the street. She tried to listen to music to fill the void, but it only made her more aware of how quiet her world had become.

By the end of the third week, Hannah realised she hadn’t seen or spoken to another human being fat-to-face for days. She appreciated the presence of her cat enormously, but although he talked a lot, he wasn’t always understandable. The realisation hit hard. She started lingering on Zoom calls just to hear voices, even if they were discussing budgets or quarterly KPIs.

She thought working remotely would free her, but instead, it felt like a cage she’d willingly locked herself into.

Desperate for connection, she started visiting a local coffee shop with her laptop. The hum of conversations, the hiss of the espresso machine—it all felt oddly comforting. She didn’t talk to anyone, of course, but being around people reminded her that she was still part of the world.

Eventually, she joined a coworking space. Just a couple of days a week, enough to strike a balance. Hannah wasn’t ready to give up her solitude entirely, but she’d learned a hard truth: isolation, even for an introvert, wasn’t as blissful as she thought it would be.

By the time her first day at the coworking space ended, she felt lighter, more human. And when a stranger in a striped shirt asked if the seat next to her was taken, Hannah did something she never thought she’d do.

She smiled and said, “Go for it.”

My own experience, mirrored by Hannah’s experience, made me think. I thought about Carl Jung said about Introverts vs. Extroverts: “… introversion and extroversion are the foundation of personality, the building blocks that influence the way we live, work and interact with others. Introverts are attracted to the inner world of ideas, thoughts and emotions, while extroverts are attracted to a vibrant social life and group activities.” That much is clear. But Carl Jung also said, “”There is no such thing as a pure introvert or a pure extrovert. Such a man would be condemned to spend his life in an asylum.” 

Seems to me that introversion and extroversion should be seen as a spectrum with introverts on one end, extroverts on another and ambiverts somewhere in the middle. Also, in certain situations, an introvert can respond like an extrovert, and vice versa. Sometimes, introverts need connection and extroverts need solitude.

So how does the existence of this spectrum influence our approach to working remotely?

The shift to remote and hybrid work has dramatically reshaped the professional landscape, affecting introverts and extroverts in distinctly different ways. This new work paradigm has created a unique set of challenges and opportunities for both personality types, fundamentally altering their productivity.

Introverts, who typically thrive in quiet, controlled environments, have found remote work to be a sanctuary away from the hustle and bustle of traditional office settings. The ability to work from home has provided them with a peaceful atmosphere that aligns well with their natural tendencies, allowing for increased focus and productivity. Introverts appreciate the reduced social pressure and the freedom to communicate on their own terms, whether through email, messaging apps, or scheduled video calls.

On the other hand, extroverts have faced significant challenges in adapting to remote work. The lack of in-person interaction and the absence of a dynamic office environment has left many extroverts feeling isolated and less motivated. Extroverts often draw energy from social interactions and collaborative environments, which are less readily available in a remote setting. This shift has led to decreased productivity and increased feelings of disconnection for many extroverts. Many report feeling disconnected from their teams and missing the spontaneous conversations that once punctuated their workday. As Sarah Martinez, a sales executive, shares, “I miss the energy of the office. Video calls just aren’t the same as stopping by someone’s desk for a quick chat.”

Enter the hybrid work model. Introverts may opt to work remotely more often, enjoying the solitude and ability to control their social interactions. Extroverts, in contrast, can return to the office, seeking out the face-to-face interactions and collaborative atmosphere they crave.

The transition to remote and hybrid work has also impacted communication styles. Introverts may find virtual meetings less overwhelming, as they can participate without the pressure of constant face-to-face interaction. Extroverts, however, might struggle with the limited non-verbal cues in virtual settings and the reduced opportunities for spontaneous conversations.

Balancing the benefits of remote work for introverts with the need for social interaction for extroverts has become a key challenge in creating effective and inclusive work environments.

Today, introverts are valued employees of many companies, which are looking for managers with soft skills. Published in 2013, the book Quiet (The Power of Discretion: The Power of Introverts in an Overly Talkative World), by the American Susan Cain, marks the beginning of the “silent revolution” of introverts. In this book, which remained on the US bestseller list for almost two years, she demonstrates, through surveys of psychologists, anthropologists and sociologists, the value of introverts, whose creativity fuels business, the arts and politics. Her TED talk has been viewed nearly 30 million times.

All this seemed pretty straightforward until Myers-Briggs discovered in a recent study, conducted by John Hackston, Head of Thought Leadership at The Myers-Briggs Company, that 82 per cent of extroverted workers would prefer a hybrid work model, with 15 per cent actually preferring full-time remote work. Self-described introverts, on the other hand — a whopping 74 per cent of them — said they wanted to be in the office at least part-time.

So, how does remote work impact introverts specifically? What advantages do they enjoy, and what hurdles must they overcome? And most importantly, how can they minimise the downsides to thrive in their professional and personal lives?

The Introvert’s Perspective: Opportunities

For many introverts, remote work has been a revelation. The elimination of open-office distractions and the ability to control their environment has led to increased job satisfaction. Without the constant buzz of office activity, introverts can focus on their tasks without the energy drain of constant social interaction.

For introverts, remote work offers undeniable perks.

  1. A Distraction-Free Environment
    Without the constant chatter of colleagues or the need to participate in spontaneous discussions, introverts can focus on their tasks. This environment allows for heightened productivity and creativity, as introverts excel in settings where they can work uninterrupted.
  2. Control Over Workspace and Schedule
    Being at home means having the freedom to design a workspace that feels comfortable and supportive. Introverts can customise their day to include moments of quiet reflection, aligning work rhythms with their natural energy cycles.
  3. Reduced Pressure for Socialising
    Introverts often feel drained by excessive small talk or obligatory networking events. Gone are the days of forced small talk around the water cooler. Working remotely eliminates many of these stressors, enabling them to conserve energy for what truly matters.

These advantages make remote work appealing for introverts, but they don’t tell the whole story.

The Introvert’s Perspective: Challenges

While remote work initially feels like an introvert’s dream, it can also present unique challenges. It certainly isn’t without its pitfalls for introverts. The very aspects that make it appealing can also create unexpected difficulties: without the natural boundaries of a physical office, many introverts find themselves working longer hours, struggling to disconnect from work when it’s always within reach.

  1. Blurred Boundaries Between Work and Life
    Without a clear division between the office and home, introverts may find themselves working longer hours, leading to fatigue. The sanctuary of home life can become overshadowed by work demands, disrupting the balance they need to thrive.
  2. Limited Professional Visibility
    Introverts may unintentionally fade into the background in a remote setting, missing opportunities to showcase their contributions or build relationships with colleagues and leaders. The limited face-to-face interaction can lead to decreased visibility within their organisations, potentially impacting career advancement opportunities.
  3. Isolation and Loneliness
    While introverts value solitude, they still require meaningful connections. The absence of regular face-to-face interaction can lead to emotional disconnection and feelings of being undervalued or unsupported.

These challenges can accumulate over time, leaving introverts feeling drained and even burnt out.

The Burnout Factor

One of the most overlooked risks for introverts in remote work is burnout. Paradoxically, the very environment that feels comfortable can contribute to their exhaustion. Without clear boundaries, introverts often overcompensate, working harder to ensure their contributions are recognised. Combined with a lack of social interaction, this can lead to feelings of isolation, stress, and diminished well-being. The constant need to be “on” for video calls, combined with the pressure to maintain visibility in a virtual environment, can drain introverts’ energy reserves more quickly than traditional office work.

This is where structured support can make all the difference. My course, ‘Building Resilience – a Roadmap from Burnout to Breakthrough during a Life Transition,’ is designed to help professionals— especially introverts—overcome these challenges. It offers practical tools to set boundaries, manage stress, and cultivate sustainable self-care practices. By increasing their resilience, introverts can not only prevent burnout but also thrive in their remote work environment.

Coping with the Challenges: Practical Tips for Introverts

To thrive in remote work environments, introverts can implement several key strategies:

Set Clear Work-Life Boundaries

  • Designate a specific workspace to create physical separation from your personal life.
  • Establish fixed working hours and commit to “clocking out” at the end of the day.

Schedule Regular Breaks

  • Regular breaks throughout the day are essential for maintaining energy levels. These breaks should be scheduled rather than left to chance, ensuring they actually happen.
  • Use these breaks to step outside, stretch, or take a short walk – this can help reset mental focus and prevent the fatigue that comes from extended screen time.

Stay Connected

  • Schedule one-on-one virtual coffee chats with colleagues to maintain a sense of camaraderie.
  • Participate in team meetings and contribute thoughtfully. These controlled interactions allow you to maintain visibility while managing your energy levels.

Leverage Technology

Technology can be a powerful ally in this environment.

Using productivity tools to automate routine tasks, manage notifications, and organise work can reduce mental clutter and preserve energy for more important activities.

  • Experiment with apps like Slack or Microsoft Teams to maintain open communication without being overwhelmed.

Prioritise Self-Care

  • Dedicate time to hobbies, exercise, and activities that nourish your mental health.
  • Explore resources to gain deeper insights into managing stress and building lasting well-being.

Conclusion: Thriving as an Introvert working (mostly) @Home

Remote work offers unique advantages for introverts, but success requires intentional strategy and self-awareness. By acknowledging both the benefits and challenges of this work style, introverts can create systems and habits that support their natural tendencies while protecting against potential pitfalls.

The key lies in leveraging introverted strengths – such as intense focus and thoughtful communication – while actively managing the risks of isolation and burnout. Resources like the Roadmap to Resilience course provide valuable support in this journey, offering structured approaches to maintaining well-being and professional effectiveness in a remote environment.

As the workplace continues to evolve, introverts have a unique opportunity to thrive in ways that weren’t always possible in traditional office settings. By embracing their natural tendencies while staying mindful of potential challenges, introverts can create a sustainable and rewarding remote work experience that supports both their professional growth and personal well-being.

Dr Margaretha Montagu – MBChB, MRCGP, NLP Master Pract cert, Transformational Life Coach dip, Counselling cert, Med Hyp Dip and EAGALA cert

In addition to the transformational retreats that I host at my little French farm near Bordeaux, I have also created a couple of online courses, ex. The Purpose Protocol – each course is available with or without one-to-one coaching. To receive notification of last-minute and early-bird specials on all of the above, I invite you to subscribe to my Savoir Vivre Vignettes newsletter which gives immediate access to my free Would you like to live a more purposeful, meaningful and impactful Life? Quiz.

It’s time to kick exhaustion to the curb and finally ditch that terminally overwhelmed feeling, evict your inner critic, declutter your mind and take control of your life like a boss. You’re about to turn your life from a comedy of errors into a blockbuster success story (with a much better soundtrack). This two-day online course is designed for anyone needing to dramatically reduce stress, end exhaustion and overwhelm, prevent or recover from burnout, AND create a positive impact on others. Find out more

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A Light-Hearted Guide to Dealing with Difficult People at Work

“The key is not to prioritise what’s on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities.” – Stephen Covey

We’ve all been there. That colleague who seems to have a PhD in pushing your buttons, the office drama enthusiast who turns every meeting into a soap opera, or the perpetual complainer who could find fault with free pizza. While you can’t control their behaviour, you can control your response. Enter the JADE method – Don’t Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. This approach can save your sanity and maybe even make those workplace challenges a tad more entertaining.

Don’t Justify

Ah, justification – that irresistible urge to prove you’re right, even when nobody asked. It’s like trying to convince your cat why it should use its expensive bed instead of the cardboard box it came in.

What It Looks Like:

Picture Sarah from accounting, who always questions your expense reports. You find yourself writing paragraph-long emails explaining why that client lunch at Chipotle was absolutely necessary for business development.

What To Do Instead:

  • Keep responses brief and factual: “The expense follows company policy.”
  • Use the broken record technique: Repeat the same simple statement without elaboration.

Real-World Example:

Difficult Coworker: “I can’t believe you took lunch at 1 PM instead of noon. That’s not how we do things here.” Old You: “Well, you see, I had this important call, and then my morning got backed up because the printer jammed, and Mercury is in retrograde…” New You: “1 PM works best with my schedule. Thanks for understanding!”

Remember: You don’t need to justify your legitimate choices any more than you need to justify why you prefer chocolate ice cream over vanilla. It is what it is.

Don’t Argue

Arguments at work are like trying to teach a fish to juggle – frustrating, pointless, and likely to leave everyone irritated and confused. When someone’s itching for a fight, refusing to engage isn’t being passive; it’s being emotionally intelligent.

What It Looks Like:

Meet Bob from IT, who insists that your computer problems would disappear if you just switched to his preferred operating system. He’s ready to die on this hill, and he’s prepared to take you with him.

What To Do Instead:

  • Practice the art of the strategic subject change.
  • Master the non-committal “hmm” (bonus points for varying the pitch.)

Real-World Example:

Bob: “This wouldn’t have happened if you were using LinuxExtremePro2000!” Old You: “Actually, studies show that my current system is more efficient for our specific needs, and here are fifteen reasons why…” New You: “Interesting perspective, Bob. Hey, did you catch the game last night?”

Think of arguments like quicksand – the more you struggle, the deeper you sink into the unproductive abyss.

Don’t Defend

Defending yourself at work can feel as natural as checking your phone during a boring meeting. But just like that phone check, it’s usually unnecessary and can get you into serious trouble.

What It Looks Like:

Enter Linda, the self-appointed Office Protocol Officer, who’s horrified that you used Calibri instead of Arial in your presentation. She’s convinced this choice reflects poorly on your professional judgment, your upbringing, and possibly your entire generation.

What To Do Instead:

  • Embrace the power of “I appreciate your feedback.”
  • Perfect your “fascinated scientist” expression while observing their behaviour.

Real-World Example:

Linda: “I can’t believe you didn’t CC the entire department on that email about the missing break room spoon.” Old You: “I only included relevant team members because studies show that unnecessary CCing reduces productivity and besides…” New You: “Thanks for letting me know your preference. I’ll keep that in mind.”

Remember: Your work should speak for itself. If it doesn’t, no amount of defending will make it better. If it does, no amount of criticism can make it worse.

Don’t Explain

Explaining is like trying to fill a bottomless cup – no matter how much you pour in, some people will always want more. Save your breath for cooling your coffee instead.

What It Looks Like:

Meet Tom, who needs to understand the complete psychological, philosophical, and metaphysical reasoning behind why you chose to use blue sticky notes instead of yellow ones.

What To Do Instead:

  • Perfect the art of the concise response.
  • Master the “that’s just how it is” shrug.

Real-World Example:

Tom: “But WHY did you start the meeting at 10:05 instead of 10:00?” Old You: “Well, you see, I was following this fascinating time management article that suggests slight delays can actually increase attendance and engagement, and there’s this whole psychology behind it…” New You: “That’s when the meeting was scheduled. Shall we review the agenda?”

Further useful phrases:

  • “I hear what you’re saying.”
  • “I’ll give that some thought.”
  • “Let’s focus on the task at hand.”
  • “That’s an interesting perspective.”
  • “I’ve made my decision on this.”

0bviously, the No-JADE approach doesn’t always work and isn’t always appropriate, but it can significantly reduce the time you waste trying to deal with impossible difficult people.

Success Stories

Consider Maria, who used to spend hours crafting detailed emails defending her project timelines to sceptical stakeholders. After embracing the no-JADE approach, she simply started responding with “The timeline is set based on our resources and requirements. I’ll update you on our progress at the next check-in.” Miraculously, the universe didn’t implode, and she gained back hours of her life.

Or take James, who stopped explaining why he couldn’t attend every single optional team happy hour. Instead of providing elaborate explanations involving his dog’s therapy sessions and his commitment to underwater basket weaving, he now simply says, “I won’t be able to make it. Have fun!” Revolutionary.

Or Louise, who attended a From Troubled to Triumphant: Finding Solid Ground During Life Transitions retreat a year after she walked the last 100km of the Camino de Santiago de Compostela in Spain.

She had many fascinating stories to share about her adventure and about the sometimes difficult people she came across during her walk: “I always thought I had the patience of a saint. You know, the kind of person who smiles through chaos, listens empathetically when your coworker spends another lunch hour ranting about their neighbour’s cat destroying their garden, and graciously lets someone with three items cut ahead in the grocery line. But somewhere along the way—probably in my early 50s—my patience decided to pack its bags and go on a permanent vacation.

So, naturally, I decided to walk the Camino de Santiago. Because what better way to find inner peace and figure out how to deal with difficult people than walking 30 kilometers a day with a bunch of strangers?

It didn’t take long for my fellow pilgrims to reveal themselves as messy humans—just like me. There was Mary, the serial over-sharer who felt the need to recount her entire dating history by Day 2. Tim, who somehow managed to mansplain how to tie your bootlaces. And Carol, bless her heart, who treated every group discussion like her personal TED Talk.

On Day 3, I found myself trudging along a particularly rocky stretch of the Camino, stuck between Tim, who was explaining the “optimal pace” for hill climbing, and Mary, who was oversharing about her ex-husband’s toenail fungus. My inner monologue went something like this: Why did I think this was a good idea? Can I fake an ankle sprain? Do Spanish doctors prescribe wine?

You can’t control difficult people. Believe me, I’ve tried. I’ve written carefully worded emails, subtly redirected conversations, even practised deep breathing while smiling through gritted teeth. Walking the Camino, listening to Tim and Mary go at it for hours on end, I had a revelation: I didn’t have to engage.

Instead of mentally drafting my snarky comeback to Tim’s lecture on hydration protocols, I focused on the sound of my boots crunching against the gravel. Instead of nodding along to Mary’s tall tales, I simply let her words fade into the background.

And it was… liberating.

On the Camino, you’re never really stuck with anyone. If someone’s getting on your nerves, you can slow down, speed up, or claim you need to “adjust your pack straps” (my go-to excuse). You can set boundaries without being a jerk. It’s okay to say, “Hey, I need some space,” or “Let’s shelf this for now.” You’re not responsible for fixing other people or accommodating every quirk. (Repeat that to yourself until it sticks.)

Difficult people won’t magically stop being difficult, but how you deal with them? That’s entirely up to you. 💪

If you want to walk the Camino, I highly recommend the more structured and supportive approach of Margaretha’s Camino de Santiago Walking retreats – no heavy rucksack to lug around, no desperate search for a bed every night, scrumptious homegrown and homemade food every day and the option of a massage after every walk…much more my style of R&R. Personally, I opted for a From Troubled to Triumphant retreat, because of the stuff I had going on in my life (a seriously messy divorce resulting in a career change, move to a different country and an empty nest. So good that I’ll be back for more next year!”

Conclusion: Embracing the no-JADE lifestyle

Remember, not JADEing isn’t about being dismissive or uncooperative. It’s about maintaining healthy boundaries, preserving your energy, and staying focused on what actually matters. Think of it as a superpower – the ability to navigate workplace dynamics while maintaining your sanity and sense of humour.

The next time you feel the urge to justify why you organise your desktop icons by colour instead of type, argue about the proper way to load the dishwasher in the break room, defend your choice of layout in the monthly newsletter, or explain why you prefer to eat lunch at your desk – stop. Take a deep breath. Channel your inner no-JADE warrior.

After all, work is challenging enough without turning every interaction into a congressional hearing. By refusing to JADE, you’re not just making your work life easier; you’re setting an example of professional boundaries that others might just follow.

And if all else fails, remember: Sometimes the most powerful response is simply a serene smile and a well-timed “Thanks for sharing.”

Imagine having a survival toolkit ready next time you’re hit by a life-shattering transition. My How to Survive a Life Quake 7-part online course isn’t just another hybrid course – with or without coaching – it’s a heartfelt made-with-love guide packed with tools to help you survive and even thrive through life’s toughest transitions, with resilience.

Author Bio: Dr Margaretha Montagu – described as a “game changer”, “gifted healer”, “guiding light” and “life-enriching author” – is an experienced medical doctor, a certified NLP practitioner, a medical hypnotherapist, an equine-assisted psychotherapist (EAGALAcertified) and a transformational retreat leader who guides her clients through life transitions – virtually, or with the assistance of her Friesian and Falabella horses, at their home in the southwest of France.

References

George Bucăţa, Marius – Alexandru Rizescu The Role of Communication in Enhancing Work Effectiveness of an Organization March 2017 Land Forces Academy Review 22(1) DOI:10.1515/raft-2017-0008

Irfan ul Haq, Riffat Faizan Communication Within the Workplace: Systematic Review of
Essentials of Communication International Journal of Applied Business and Management Studies Vol. 8, No.2; 2023 ISSN 2548-0448

Tourish D., & Robson P. (2004). Critical upward feedback in organizations: Processes, problems and implications for communication management. Journal of Communication Management, 8(2), 150–67.

Milliken. F. J., Morrison, E. W., & Hewlin, P. F. (2003). An Exploratory Study of Employee
Silence: Issues that Employees Don’t Communicate Upward and Why. Journal of
Management Studies, 40(6),1453–76.

Horan, S. M., Chory, R. M., Craw, E. S., & Jones, H. E. (2021). Blended Work/Life Relationships:
Organizational Communication Involving Workplace Peers, Friends, and
Lovers. Communication Research Trends, 40(2), 3–47.




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Knowing Your Life Purpose: The Secret to Living Longer

Life purpose and longevity

How a Clear Sense of Purpose Can Extend Your Lifespan

If you are going through a particularly trying life transition at the moment, especially if it is one that seems to go on forever, every so often you might feel frustrated by the time you are “wasting” while you are immobilised by the onslaught. If you already have a clear idea of what your life purpose is, great, it will help you get through this life transition with less aggravation. If you do not, then defining (or redefining) your life purpose could not only make it easier to get through this transition, but it can also enable you to live longer.

Living a long and fulfilling life has been a goal of humanity for centuries. While advancements in healthcare, nutrition, and lifestyle have extended lifespans, the quest for longevity often overlooks one critical component: having a clear sense of purpose. Understanding and living in alignment with our life purpose, especially during life transitions, can profoundly affect not only the quality of our years but also the quantity.

Here’s the roadmap for this article’s content:

Sage’s Desperate Quest for Purpose

Sage was staring into her empty fridge. She sighed so loudly that her neighbour banged on the wall.

“Maybe I need to figure out what my life purpose is…” she muttered, slamming the fridge shut and collapsing onto the couch. She had wasted the whole morning of her precious day off on Instagram, while she was supposed to come up with an idea for a profitable side hustle. Before hunger finally drove her to the fridge, she was reading an article claiming that people with a clear life purpose live longer.

“Great,” she told her cat, Sir Reginald, who was busy grooming himself with an air of self-satisfaction. “If I can’t come up with a side hustle that reflects my purpose, I’ll be dead by next Tuesday.”

She picked up a notebook and scribbled: Life Purpose Ideas: 1) Solve the mystery of the missing sock 2) Save the sharks 3) Settle the debate over what emojis really mean. Then she crossed them all out. “I’m doomed,” she sighed.

By lunchtime, Sage had plummeted into a motivational black hole. She was neck-deep in YouTube videos featuring impossibly attractive people promising to reveal the meaning of her life for only $499.

“The answer,” one guru said dramatically, “is within you.”

“Well, I’ve looked,” Sage snapped at the screen. “All that’s in there is frustration, irritation, anxiety and a weird, worsening craving for nachos.”

Desperate, she downloaded a personality test. Fifty-seven questions later, her result popped up: You are a Creative Nurturer.

“What does that even mean? Should I invent new food combinations? Feed Sir Reginald his Fancy Feast when he least expects it?”

Determined to be proactive, Sage signed up for a yoga class advertised as “Transform Your Mind, Body, and Soul.” She arrived armed with a borrowed yoga mat and a lingering sense of dread.

The instructor, Sylvia (who looked like she’d never eaten a carb), glided to the front of the room. “Today, we’ll open our chakras and connect with our higher purpose.”

Sage perked up.

The class began with deep breathing. Sage wheezed, startling the guy next to her. Then they transitioned to poses with names that sounded like cocktail ingredients and that left Sage reviewing her entire skeletal structure.

By the time Sylvia whispered soothingly, “Let’s end our practice today with a gratitude circle,” Sage was sure her hip was dislocated. “Sooooooo grateful this practice is finished,” she muttered, under her breath.

On her way home, Sage stopped at the coffee shop where she often went to escape reality. She plopped into her usual corner, nursing a latte, when she overheard a couple arguing at the next table.

“The Pub Quiz fundraiser is next week!” snapped the woman.

“I told you we should’ve organised a karaoke,” the man shot back.

Sage, unable to resist, leaned over. “Karaoke and trivia. Call it Sing Your Smarts.”

The couple stared at her.

“That’s… actually brilliant,” the woman said.

Sage froze. Could this be it? Her purpose? Coming up with original ideas?

She spent the rest of the evening brainstorming concepts: a dating app for cat people (MeowMatch), a line of motivational mugs on the “Not my Circus not my Monkeys” theme, and a luxury spa where you could nap for eight hours straight a viral hashtag (#SnoozeForSuccess). Maybe my purpose isn’t one big thing. Maybe it’s about lots of little ways to make life less boring—for me and everyone else.

Sir Reginald blinked at her approvingly.

Sage toasted herself with a margarita while sharing a plate of nachos with Sir Reginald. She was going to live longer, if only to see what happened in the next season of Succession.

The Science Behind Purpose and Longevity

Research increasingly suggests that knowing why we’re here and what we’re meant to do doesn’t just make life more meaningful—it might actually help us live longer. A new study even suggests that a sense of purpose may be more important to our longevity than life satisfaction. “Purpose in life remained significant in all of our analyses, while life satisfaction didn’t,” says lead study author Frank Martela of Aalto University, Finland. “That suggests that purpose is the more reliable predictor of longevity.”

Multiple studies have demonstrated a compelling link between having a strong sense of purpose and increased lifespan. A Mount Sinai-National Institute on Aging study led by Dr. Patrick Hill (published in Psychological Science) followed over 6,000 participants and found that people who reported a greater sense of purpose and direction in life were more likely to outlive their peers during the 14-year study period. And a 2019 JAMA Network Open study by Alimujiang et al. found that adults over 50 who scored in the top quartile of purpose in life had a lower risk of all-cause mortality compared with those in the bottom quartile.

The concept of ikigai, a Japanese term meaning “reason for being,” highlights how purpose is central to well-being and longevity. Okinawa, known as one of the world’s Blue Zones where people live extraordinarily long lives, places a strong emphasis on finding one’s ikigai.

The Physical Impact of Purpose-driven Living

Your life purpose can be defined as the overarching aim or direction that gives meaning to your existence. It is a guiding principle that helps you align your actions, values, and aspirations. Purpose is not static; it evolves as we grow, encounter new experiences, and adapt to changes in life. It often relates to inner satisfaction, self-expression, and alignment with deeply held values. When we have a strong sense of purpose, our bodies respond with:

  • Lower levels of stress hormones like cortisol
  • Reduced inflammation markers
  • Improved immune system function
  • Better cardiovascular health
  • Enhanced sleep quality

These physiological benefits aren’t just coincidental—they’re direct results of living on purpose. A life purpose does more than prolong life; it enriches it emotionally. When life is guided by purpose, transitions, challenges and setbacks are viewed as opportunities for growth rather than insurmountable obstacles. Purpose often involves collaboration, service, or shared experiences. This creates a sense of belonging and strengthens relationships, both of which are critical for mental health. Purposeful living is intrinsically rewarding, as it aligns daily actions with core values. This alignment generates enduring satisfaction and joy, which are known to support both mental and physical health.

Defining Life Purpose

Before diving deeper, let’s clarify what we mean by “life purpose.” It’s not necessarily about having a grand mission to change the world or achieve extraordinary feats. Purpose can be found in:

  • Raising children and nurturing family relationships
  • Contributing to your community
  • Excelling in your profession
  • Creating art or music
  • Teaching and mentoring others
  • Advocating for causes you believe in
  • Supporting and helping others
  • Personal growth and development

Your purpose doesn’t need to be singular or static—it can evolve as you grow and change throughout life.

The Psychological Mechanics of Purpose-Driven Living

Having a clear purpose provides several psychological benefits that directly impact longevity:

1. Stress Resilience When we have a strong sense of purpose, we’re better equipped to handle life’s challenges. Stressful events are viewed through the lens of our greater mission, making them feel more manageable and less overwhelming. This resilience translates to better stress management and, consequently, better health outcomes.

2. Motivation for Self-Care People with a clear purpose tend to take better care of themselves. When you believe your life has meaning and importance, you’re more likely to:

  • Maintain healthy habits
  • Seek preventive healthcare
  • Exercise regularly
  • Eat nutritiously
  • Avoid harmful behaviours

This isn’t just about living longer—it’s about being healthy enough to fulfil your purpose. Existentialism, particularly through thinkers like Viktor Frankl, underscores the transformative power of finding meaning even in suffering, as highlighted in his seminal work Man’s Search for Meaning.

3. Social Connection Purpose often involves connecting with others, whether through family relationships, community service, or professional contributions. These social connections are vital for longevity, as strong social ties have been consistently linked to better health outcomes and increased lifespan.

Finding Your Purpose Guided by Horses (?!)

While the benefits of having a purpose are clear, discovering it isn’t always straightforward.

The Rearing to Get Going in a New Direction on-demand online retreat is your step-by-step guide to uncovering your unique life purpose. This course gives you the clarity and confidence you need to step boldly into the next phase of your life, equipped with a purpose that feels right for you.

No more frustration. No more doubt. Just clear direction.

During this DIY course, you’ll move from feeling stuck, lost, or uncertain to having a crystal-clear understanding of your current life purpose—tailored to your specific life circumstances.

“Inspired by the way they guided me through uncertainty, I created this course to help others find their own life purpose with similar guidance, connection, and insight. I have collected everything they taught me and packaged it into this course to help you redefine your own sense of purpose, before, during or after a life transition. Think of it as applicable horse-guided wisdom—minus the mucking out of stalls.” Dr Margaretha Montagu

Find out more

Maintaining Purpose Through Life’s Seasons

It’s important to recognise that purpose isn’t static—it evolves as we move through different life stages. What gives us purpose in our 20s might be very different from what drives us in our 60s. The key is to:

  • Regularly reassess your purpose
  • Be open to new sources of meaning
  • Allow your purpose to grow with you
  • Embrace life transitions as opportunities for purpose refinement

The Role of Purpose in Aging Well

As we age, having a strong sense of purpose becomes increasingly important. Research shows that older adults with a clear purpose:

  • Experience slower cognitive decline
  • Maintain better physical function
  • Have lower rates of depression
  • Report higher life satisfaction
  • Show greater resilience in facing health challenges

This suggests that purpose isn’t just about adding years to life—it’s about adding life to years.

Overcoming Purpose-Finding Challenges

While the benefits of purpose are clear, many people struggle to define and pursue their own. Modern society often prioritises success, productivity, and material wealth over personal fulfilment, making it difficult for individuals to identify their true calling. Self-doubt and external criticism can hinder the exploration and expression of one’s purpose. Major life transitions such as retirement, career changes, or personal loss can leave individuals feeling adrift and disconnected from their purpose. Many people struggle with finding their purpose, feeling overwhelmed by the pressure to discover some grand mission. Common challenges include feeling that your purpose isn’t “important” enough, believing it’s too late to find your purpose and getting stuck in analysis paralysis.

“Remember that purpose doesn’t have to be grandiose. Small, consistent actions aligned with your values can be just as meaningful as large-scale missions.” Dr M Montagu

Creating a Purpose-Driven Lifestyle

Finding purpose is just the beginning. The real challenge lies in integrating it into daily life. This might involve:

  1. Setting purpose-aligned goals
  2. Creating daily routines that support your mission
  3. Making decisions through the lens of your purpose
  4. Surrounding yourself with people who support your purpose
  5. Regular reflection and adjustment

The Ripple Effect of Purpose

Living with purpose doesn’t just benefit you—it creates positive ripples that affect others. When you live purposefully:

  • You inspire others to find their purpose
  • Your actions contribute to the greater good
  • You create meaningful connections
  • You leave a lasting legacy

This interconnection further reinforces the purpose-longevity link, as contributing to something larger than ourselves has been shown to increase well-being and life satisfaction.

En Fin de Compte

The connection between purpose and longevity isn’t just philosophical—it’s backed by science. By taking the time to discover and live according to our purpose, we may not only live longer; but live better, more meaningfully, and with greater impact.

Ask yourself: What gets you out of bed each morning? Apart from desperately needing your first cup of coffee of the day. Answering this question could be the first step toward a longer, healthier, and more meaningful life.

Dr Margaretha Montagu – MBChB, MRCGP, NLP Master Pract cert, Transformational Life Coach dip, Counselling cert, Med Hyp Dip and EAGALA cert

Imagine having a survival toolkit ready next time you’re hit by a life-shattering transition. My How to Survive a Life Quake 7-part online course isn’t just another hybrid course – with or without coaching – it’s a heartfelt made-with-love guide packed with tools to help you survive and even thrive through life’s toughest transitions, with resilience.

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Understanding Empathy Burnout and How to Recognise It in Yourself

Empathy Burnout

When Helping Hurts

Lise came to a From Troubled to Triumphant Transformational Retreat at the beginning of autumn as a last-minute booking. She said she was going through a “career change” life transition. She couldn’t cope with her job as a doctor anymore, but she had no clue what she wanted to do next. Right from the start, something felt off. It wasn’t that I didn’t understand her plight, after all, I had been in the exact same place myself more than a decade ago. During the retreat, her actual problem gradually reared its head.

Lise’s Story: The Unbearable Weight of Caring

Lise sat in her small, tidy office at the clinic, staring blankly at her computer screen. The cursor blinked steadily, waiting for her to type up the notes for her last patient. But her fingers hovered over the keyboard, unmoving. She couldn’t find the words—or the energy—to continue. The sound of muffled voices in the waiting room seeped through the walls, a constant reminder that more people needed her.

Her workday had started twelve hours ago, and she had seen 27 patients. Each one had brought her their pain, their struggles, and their fears. And she had listened, as she always did, offering reassurances, treatments, and sometimes just a shoulder to lean on. She loved her work—or at least she used to. Being a general practitioner was more than a job for Lise; it was her calling. But recently, something had shifted.

Ground Hog Day

That morning had been no different from any other, or so it seemed. Her first patient, an elderly man named Louis, came in with chronic back pain. As Lise examined him, he spoke about his wife’s declining health and the burden of being her sole caregiver. His voice cracked as he admitted he hadn’t slept well in months. Lise felt the familiar ache of understanding in her chest. She offered him a referral to a physical therapist and gently suggested he seek respite care for his wife.

The next patient was a young mother, Amélie, who brought in her toddler with a persistent cough. Amélie looked frazzled, her eyes rimmed with dark circles. Between checking the child’s breathing and writing a prescription for antibiotics, Lise found herself listening to Amélie’s worries about balancing work and motherhood. “I don’t know how you manage it all,” Amélie said with a weak smile. Lise didn’t answer. She wasn’t sure how she managed it, either.

By the time Lise reached her lunch break—if you could call the ten-minute gap between patients a “break”—she realised she hadn’t eaten breakfast. She grabbed a granola bar from her desk drawer and took a deep breath. It didn’t help.

The First Ominous Signs

For weeks, Lise had been feeling a debilitating fatigue. It wasn’t the kind of tiredness that a good night’s sleep could fix. It was deeper, heavier, as though her very soul was weary. She had started to dread coming to work, something she never imagined would happen. The sight of her packed schedule filled her with a sense of dread.

But the worst part was the emotional numbness. Lise, who had always prided herself on her ability to connect with her patients, found herself tuning out during consultations. When a patient began to cry, her instinct was no longer to comfort them but to mentally check out.

At first, she chalked it up to being overworked. After all, healthcare was a demanding field, and everyone felt overwhelmed sometimes. But this was different. It wasn’t just exhaustion; it was detachment.

Lisa’s Final Breaking Point

Lise’s breaking point came on a rainy Thursday afternoon. Her patient was a teenager named Juliette, who had been struggling with anxiety and self-harm. Juliette’s mother sat beside her, tears streaming down her face as she described finding the scars on her daughter’s arms. Normally, Lise would have felt a wave of compassion and determination to help. But as she listened, all she felt was a hollow emptiness. She nodded at the right moments, prescribed therapy, and scheduled a follow-up. But inside, she felt nothing.

When the appointment ended and Juliette left the room, Lise stayed behind, frozen in her chair. She stared at the clock on the wall, her hands trembling. How had she gotten to this point? How could she care so much and yet feel so little?

Enter Empathy Burnout

During the retreat, Lise confided. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “I feel like I’m failing everyone. My patients, myself… even my partner.”

The other retreat guests and I reassured her. “You’re not failing, Lise. You’re just human. You’ve been carrying too much for too long.”

I also told her that I didn’t think that she was going through a life transition, but that I thought she was suffering from empathy burnout. I explained that empathy burnout, or compassion fatigue, was a state of emotional exhaustion resulting from excessive emotional demands. It wasn’t just physical tiredness; it was the toll of constantly absorbing other people’s pain. Caregivers, healthcare workers, and anyone in the helping professions were especially vulnerable. The symptoms matched hers: emotional numbness, irritability, reduced empathy, and a sense of detachment.

Drafting Her Map to Recovery

Recognising the problem was the first step. But solving it required more than acknowledgement. Lise knew she needed to make changes when she got back—not just for herself, but for her patients.

We talked about starting small. Instead of skipping lunch, she decided she was going to step outside the clinic, even if just for 15 minutes, to eat a homemade sandwich and breathe fresh air. She would practise mindfulness, the way the horses’ taught her during the retreat, setting aside ten minutes each morning to meditate. At first, it might feel forced, but I was sure, over time, it would become a moment of calm she looked forward to.

One of the hardest tasks she set herself was learning to set boundaries. Lise had always been the doctor who went above and beyond, but she realised she couldn’t pour from an empty cup. She decided to delegate some of her work to her clinical staff, whenever appropriate. She also began seeing a supervising therapist, someone she could talk to without fear of judgement.

Reconnecting with Her “Why”

Back home, Lise implemented her plan. She soon started to notice subtle changes. She began to feel lighter, more present. The numbness gradually gave way to genuine care. One day, a patient thanked her for her kindness during a difficult diagnosis, and for the first time in a long time, Lise felt the warmth of being appreciated for her work again.

She reminded herself why she had become a doctor in the first place: to help people heal, both physically and emotionally.

It took time for Lise to get back on track; empathy burnout wasn’t something you can heal from overnight. But it taught her a valuable lesson: caring for others starts with caring for yourself. She learned that empathy, while a beautiful and necessary part of her work, had to be balanced with boundaries and self-compassion.

The Definition of Empathy Burnout

Empathy burnout, also known as “compassion fatigue,” is a state of emotional and physical exhaustion that occurs when someone has been giving a great deal of empathy or support to others over an extended period. This condition is common among professionals in caregiving roles—like healthcare workers, therapists, and counsellors—as well as individuals who provide ongoing support to friends or family members in need. When someone constantly listens to others’ pain, absorbs emotional burdens, or provides support, it can lead to an overwhelming sense of fatigue, detachment, and even helplessness.

What’s the difference between Stress and Empathy Burnout?

Stress is a response to external pressures and can affect anyone, regardless of their emotional involvement with others. Empathy burnout, however, specifically stems from prolonged emotional engagement with others’ pain or struggles. While stress might ebb and flow, empathy burnout is more pervasive and tied to emotional exhaustion.

How do I know it’s Empathy Burnout and not just Tiredness?

Empathy burnout goes beyond physical tiredness. It’s characterized by emotional and psychological fatigue, such as feeling overwhelmed by others’ needs or emotionally drained after interactions. Unlike regular tiredness, rest alone may not improve your energy or mood.

Key Signs

  • Emotional Exhaustion: Feeling drained, short-tempered, or emotionally distant from others.

  • Reduced Empathy: Struggling to feel compassionate or sensitive to others’ struggles, even if you genuinely care.

  • Mental and Physical Fatigue: Experiencing persistent tiredness, headaches, disturbed sleep, and a weakened immune system.

  • Cynicism or Apathy: Feeling jaded or indifferent toward people who need support.

  • Increased Stress and Anxiety: This can lead to feelings of frustration, irritation and even resentment.

Causes

Empathy burnout arises when there’s a lack of balance between giving and receiving emotional support. Without time for self-care, boundary-setting, or recovery, this imbalance can easily become overwhelming. Factors like high emotional investment, limited support systems, and ongoing exposure to difficult emotions contribute to burnout.

Preventing and Managing Empathy Burnout

  • Set Boundaries: Protect your time and energy by establishing clear boundaries.

  • Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that rejuvenate you—like rest, exercise, mindfulness, creative hobbies, and socialising with supportive friends.

  • Seek Support: Finding a mentor, coach, or peer group can be invaluable.

  • Regular Downtime: Take regular breaks from caregiving roles to recharge your batteries.

  • Consider Professional Help: If empathy burnout is severe, consulting a mental health professional can provide support and strategies to recover.

In the context of a life transition, empathy burnout may be a significant challenge, especially for those who frequently give emotional support to others while navigating their own changes.

The Difference Between a Life Transition and Empathy Burnout

A life transition is a significant change or shift in one’s personal or professional life that disrupts the normal flow of daily living. Examples include career changes, moving to a new place, divorce, retirement, or losing a loved one. Life transitions often involve a mix of emotions, such as excitement, fear, grief, or uncertainty, as individuals adjust to a new reality. These transitions are a natural part of life and, though challenging, they can lead to new insights and new opportunities.

On the other hand, empathy burnout—or compassion fatigue—is a state of emotional exhaustion that arises from repeatedly absorbing the stress, pain, or struggles of others. It is common among caregivers, healthcare workers, and anyone in emotionally demanding roles. Unlike life transitions, empathy burnout stems from giving too much emotional energy to others without adequate self-care or boundaries. It can lead to feelings of numbness, detachment, and even resentment toward those seeking support.

The key difference lies in origin and focus:

  • Life transitions are external changes that affect an individual’s circumstances and require them to adapt. The focus is on navigating their own emotional and practical needs.

  • Empathy burnout is an internal condition caused by overextending emotional energy toward others, leaving little room for self-replenishment.

Both can be draining, but while life transitions often involve rebuilding or starting anew, empathy burnout requires recognizing the imbalance in giving and receiving support, then implementing self-care strategies to recover emotional resilience.

Empathy Burnout Self-Assessment FAQ

1. Do you feel emotionally numb or disconnected when others share their problems?

Signs to watch for:

  • Finding yourself unable to react emotionally to others’ distress

  • Catching yourself thinking “I don’t care anymore” when hearing about others’ struggles

  • Feeling irritated or frustrated when people seek emotional support

  • Having a harder time remembering details of others’ problems or situations

Why this matters: Emotional numbness is often one of the first signs of empathy burnout. It’s your mind’s way of protecting itself from emotional overload.

2. Have you noticed changes in your sleep patterns or physical well-being?

Signs to watch for:

  • Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep

  • Feeling exhausted even after adequate rest

  • Experiencing headaches, digestive issues, or tension more frequently

  • Having less energy for daily activities

  • Increased susceptibility to illness

Why this matters: Empathy burnout often manifests physically before we recognize it emotionally.

3. Are you finding it harder to maintain boundaries between your personal life and others’ needs?

Signs to watch for:

  • Thinking about others’ problems during your personal time

  • Feeling guilty when you’re not available to help

  • Difficulty saying “no” to requests for support

  • Neglecting your own needs to attend to others

  • Bringing work or others’ problems home with you

Why this matters: Healthy boundaries are essential for sustainable empathy. Their erosion often indicates burnout.

4. Do you find yourself avoiding certain people or situations?

Signs to watch for:

  • Hesitating to answer calls or messages from people who might need support

  • Making excuses to avoid social situations

  • Procrastinating on tasks that involve emotional labour

  • Feeling dread when faced with others’ emotional needs

  • Withdrawing from relationships or social activities

Why this matters: Avoidance behaviours often develop as a coping mechanism when our emotional resources are depleted.

5. Has your worldview or self-image changed recently?

Signs to watch for:

  • Increased cynicism about human nature

  • Feeling helpless about making a difference

  • Questioning your competence or effectiveness

  • Loss of faith in people’s ability to solve their problems

  • Decreased sense of personal accomplishment

  • Feeling disconnected from your values or purpose

Why this matters: Changes in core beliefs and self-perception often indicate that empathy burnout is affecting your fundamental worldview.

Note: If you answered “yes” to three or more of these questions and have been experiencing these symptoms for more than two weeks, you may be experiencing empathy burnout. Consider seeking support from a mental health professional who can help you develop strategies for recovery and resilience. – or attend a From Troubled to Triumphant Transformational Retreat in the sun-blessed southwest of France.

Hit the pause button and regain your footing during a From Troubled to Triumphant Retreat. Imagine walking a peaceful stretch of the Camino de Santiago, where every step helps untangle the mental clutter or spending time with gentle Friesian horses who teach you the art of mindfulness. Whether you choose to make a change or are forced to, this retreat offers the perfect blend of peace, perspective, and playful exploration to help you rise from troubled to triumphant!

Author Bio: Dr Margaretha Montagu – described as a “game changer”, “gifted healer”, “guiding light” and “life-enriching author” – is an experienced medical doctor, a certified NLP practitioner, a medical hypnotherapist, an equine-assisted psychotherapist (EAGALAcertified) and a transformational retreat leader who guides her clients through life transitions – virtually, or with the assistance of her Friesian and Falabella horses, at their home in the southwest of France.

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Grateful, But Still Terrified: How I’m Tackling Anxiety in the Middle of a Life Transition

Because quitting your job at 42 without a backup plan deserves a little help from a gratitude journal (and a lot of coffee).

Can Gratitude Really Reduce Anxiety During a Life Transition?

The one thing I teach everyone who comes here on a From Troubled to Triumphant Life Transition retreat is that being grateful is an extremely powerful stress management strategy. Gratitude can play a significant role in reducing anxiety during life transitions – I know that from personal experience. NO other strategy comes near, especially if you combine gratitude with generosity. When you are immobilised by uncertainty, acknowledging the positive aspects of life can provide a fresh perspective. We even have a good idea about how it works: we know that practising gratitude helps regulate the sympathetic nervous system, which activates anxiety responses and reduces cortisol levels—the stress hormone—leading to increased resilience. By training your mind to focus on what you are grateful for, you can counteract the anxiety and apprehension that characterise most life transitions. Simple strategies such as keeping a gratitude journal can effectively rewire your brain to handle stress more effectively and reduce anxiety during significant life transitions.

In my free 7-part e-Course, How to Survive a Life Quake, I devote one full part to Gratitude and how you can seamlessly incorporate a Gratitude Practice into your busy everyday life. You can get access to this course by subscribing to my Savoir Vivre Vignettes newsletter.

Shirley N., one of my retreat guests, opted for a coaching package before her retreat. When we met, she had just handed in her resignation letter. This is her story:

So here I am, 42 years old, staring at my laptop with a mix of dread and excitement because I just sent in my resignation letter. 😬 Yep, after 18 years in the same post, I’m officially jumping off the hamster wheel.

And before you ask: no, I don’t have a solid backup plan. Not really. What I do have is a vague dream of becoming a writer-slash-life-coach-slash-whatever-keeps-my-lights-on. Oh, and a crippling case of anxiety that’s decided to camp out in my chest 24/7 since I made this decision. Fun times.

But let me back up and explain how I got here—and why I’m trying this thing called “gratitude” suggested by my coach, dr Margaretha Montagu, as my secret weapon to survive the chaos.

The Decision That Started It All

About three months ago, I was sitting at my desk in my office (read: beige box of existential despair), proofreading yet another soul-sucking report when it hit me: I can’t do this for another decade. It wasn’t just the boredom; it was the constant feeling that my life was going down the drain. You know that scene in The Matrix where Neo wakes up in a pod and is like, “Wait, this is my life?!” Yeah, it was kind of like that.

I thought I’d feel liberated the second I decided to quit, but instead, my brain went into overdrive: What if this is the dumbest decision of your life? What if you never find another job? What if you end up having to sell your furniture on Facebook Marketplace just to pay rent?

Anxiety became my new roommate, and let me tell you—she’s messy, she’s bossy, and she refuses to be quiet.

Discovering Gratitude (Sort of By Accident)

When my coach suggested starting a gratitude practice, I wasn’t convinced. Honestly, I thought gratitude was one of those Pinterest board words people slap on pictures of sunsets to sound profound. 🙄 But one sleepless night, after scrolling through way too many Reddit threads about career regrets (bad idea, by the way), I decided I was going to have to give it a try.

The logic was simple, after all: when you focus on what you’re thankful for, your brain has less bandwidth to spiral into worry mode. It sounded… nice? Sceptical me wasn’t sold, but desperate me was like, What’s the worst that could happen?

My (Wobbly) Gratitude Experiment

The next morning, I grabbed an old notebook, poured a cup of coffee (because a girl has to have priorities), and sat down to write three things I was grateful for. Easy, right?

Not exactly. My brain was so used to cataloguing stress that it couldn’t think of anything even remotely positive. After staring at the page for ten minutes, I finally came up with:

  1. Coffee (obviously).

  2. My dog, Biscuit, both my therapist and my shadow.

  3. That one time last week when the grocery store had avocados on sale.

Earth-shattering stuff, I know. But here’s the thing: it felt good to write those down. Not amazing, not life-changing—but good. It was like giving my brain a tiny break from its regularly scheduled programming of “What If Everything goes horribly WRONG?”

How Gratitude Became My Anxiety Buffer

As the days went on, I kept up the gratitude practice, jotting down three things every morning. Some days were easier than others. (Pro tip: if you ever try this, it’s totally okay to repeat “coffee” as many times as necessary.) But gradually, I started noticing a shift.

For example, when my anxiety would flare up—like the time I checked my bank account and realised I’d forgotten to cancel a subscription AGAIN—I’d stop and think, Okay, what’s one thing that’s going right? Sometimes it was small, like, “At least I’m not dealing with Karen from HR anymore.” Other times, it was bigger, like, “I have people in my life who support me, even when I feel like I’m losing my mind.”

It didn’t erase the anxiety, but it gave me a little breathing room. And in those moments, I felt just the tiniest bit less panicked—and a little more hopeful.

Science-backed Stuff (because I do NOT believe everything I hear)

Because I’m me and I love overthinking everything, I started researching why gratitude might actually work. Turns out, there’s legit science behind it. Practising gratitude activates the part of your brain responsible for positive emotions and can even lower cortisol (aka the stress hormone). (1) (2)

I also learned that gratitude and anxiety can’t really coexist. It’s like trying to listen to two songs at once—your brain will pick one track to focus on, and gratitude tends to drown out the panic. Or, at least, it turns the volume down a notch.

Who knew my cheesy little notebook entries were rewiring my brain?

The Unexpected Perks of Gratitude

Okay, here’s where things got weird (in a good way). As I kept up my gratitude habit, I noticed some surprising side effects:

  1. I stopped catastrophising as much. Instead of assuming every minor setback was a sign I’d end up as a bag lady, I started looking for the silver linings. Missed a deadline? Great, more time to do it right. Stubbed my toe? Okay, that one still sucked, but you get the idea.

  2. I became more present. I used to spend 90% of my day stuck in “what if” mode. Gratitude pulled me back into the here and now, even if just for a few minutes at a time.

  3. I started sleeping better. Not every night—let’s be real—but enough that I felt like a semi-functioning human again. Apparently, ending the day with a gratitude list helps your brain chill out before bed. Who knew?

Gratitude Isn’t a Magic Cure (But It Helps)

I’m not going to lie and say gratitude fixed everything. I still wake up some mornings feeling like I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life. I still overthink, stress out, and occasionally cry into a bag of chips. (Salt and vinegar, for those wondering.) But the difference is, those moments don’t feel as overwhelming anymore.

Gratitude hasn’t made my problems disappear, but it’s given me a tool to deal with them. It’s like having a flashlight when you’re wandering through a dark forest. Sure, you’re still in the forest, but at least you can see where you’re going.

Where I’m At Now

Fast forward to today, four coaching sessions behind me and packing for my From Troubled to Triumphant Life Transition retreat: I’m still figuring out my next move, still nervous about the future—but also, for the first time in years, I’m excited. And when the anxiety starts creeping in, I remind myself to pause and look for the good stuff. Even if it’s just coffee and avocados.

So if you’re in the middle of a big life change and your brain won’t stop spinning worst-case scenarios, try this gratitude thing. Start small. Write it down. Say it out loud. Heck, yell it into the void if that helps.

And remember: no matter how messy or uncertain life feels, there’s always something worth appreciating—even if it’s just the fact that avocados were on sale last week. 🥑

Research

Several scientific studies have demonstrated the link between gratitude and reduced anxiety symptoms that Shirley mentions above:

  1. A meta-analysis of 64 randomised clinical trials found that patients who underwent gratitude interventions experienced a 7.76% reduction in anxiety scores compared to control groups, as measured by the Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD-7) scale (The effects of gratitude interventions: a systematic review and meta-analysis Geyze Diniz, Ligia Korkes, Luca Schiliró Tristão PMCID: PMC10393216 PMID: 37585888.)

  2. Research by McCraty and colleagues showed that participants who felt grateful had a marked reduction in cortisol levels, the stress hormone, leading to better cardiac functioning and increased resilience to emotional setbacks. (McCraty, R., & Childre, D. (2004). The grateful heart: The psychophysiology of appreciation. In R. A. Emmons & M. E. McCullough (Eds.), Series in affective science. The psychology of gratitude (pp. 230–255). New York, NY: Oxford University Press.)

  3. More Research and References

Practising gratitude can help reduce anxiety symptoms through various physiological and psychological mechanisms, including regulating stress hormones, modulating brain activity, and shifting focus to positive aspects of life.

Finalement

So, there you have it—gratitude won’t pay your bills or magically map out your future, but it might just keep you from having a full-blown meltdown while you figure things out. Think of it as emotional duct tape: not perfect, but surprisingly effective even if you need to go write “coffee” in your gratitude journal at least three times a day. 😉

Imagine having a survival toolkit ready next time you’re hit by a life-shattering transition. My How to Survive a Life Quake 7-part online course isn’t just another hybrid course – with or without coaching – it’s a heartfelt made-with-love guide packed with tools to help you survive and even thrive through life’s toughest transitions, with resilience.

Author Bio: Dr Margaretha Montagu – described as a “game changer”, “gifted healer”, “guiding light” and “life-enriching author” – is an experienced medical doctor, a certified NLP practitioner, a medical hypnotherapist, an equine-assisted psychotherapist (EAGALAcertified) and a transformational retreat leader who guides her clients through life transitions – virtually, or with the assistance of her Friesian and Falabella horses, at their home in the southwest of France.

Hit the pause button and regain your footing during a From Troubled to Triumphant Retreat. Imagine walking a peaceful stretch of the Camino de Santiago, where every step helps untangle the mental clutter or spending time with gentle Friesian horses who teach you the art of mindfulness. Whether you choose to make a change or are forced to, this retreat offers the perfect blend of peace, perspective, and playful exploration to help you rise from troubled to triumphant!

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Hot Flashes, Mood Swings, and Midnight Binges

Should you go on a Transformational Retreat during a Midlife Crisis?

#LifeQuake Series

Midlife Crisis or Midlife Awakening?
Why This Life Transition Is the Perfect Chance to Redesign Your Future

As life transitions go, a midlife crisis must be one of the most classical examples – it often marks a significant period of introspection during mid-adulthood. A midlife crisis is basically life yelling, “Plot twist!” Maybe it’s not exactly a “crisis” but a pivotal moment in your life, characterised by shifts in identity, priorities, and perspective.

Sure, the word crisis makes it sound like you’re about to ditch your responsibilities, dye your hair purple, and join a punk band called Existential Dread. But really, it’s just a dramatic way of realising that life is finite. This awareness can prompt deep self-reflection, leading you to question your choices, achievements, and direction.

Suddenly, you’re side-eyeing your choices, achievements, and that beige couch you swore you’d love forever. Cue the What am I even doing with my life? montage, starring you, a lukewarm cup of coffee, asking ChatGPT: “Can I start over at 40? 50? 60?”

A midlife crisis is like Marie Kondo-ing your identity. The roles you’ve collected over the years—Parent! Partner! Professional!—might not “spark joy” anymore and feel outdated and limiting. So, you start craving new labels: artist, adventurer, horse yoga enthusiast. This can result in a desire to break free from old definitions and explore new ones. It may inspire you to book a skydiving lesson or decide to become a TikTok star— as you question life’s meaning for you now.

Life transitions frequently stir up strong emotions, and a midlife crisis is no exception. One minute, it’s regret: Why didn’t I backpack through Europe when I had the chance? The next, it’s wild excitement: I could still backpack through Europe! It’s a rollercoaster of anxiety, restlessness, doubt, hope and maybe panic-buying a pink leather jacket. These emotional ups and downs are part of processing change and preparing to adapt to a new chapter.

At its core, a midlife crisis isn’t about losing your way; it’s about updating your map. Some go big—quitting their job, buying a convertible, moving to Bali. Others go small but mighty—picking up therapy, taking salsa lessons, or finally getting that sourdough starter. Either way, it’s not about escaping who you’ve been. It’s about embracing who you’re becoming.

So, if you find yourself in this transitional chaos, don’t panic.

At its core, a midlife crisis is about choice and change. Some people may make drastic changes—quitting a job, buying a sports car, or travelling the world—while others take quieter steps, like exploring therapy or adopting new hobbies. These actions reflect the transitional phase where people move from reflection to implementation, building a life that feels more aligned with who they’ve become.

Ultimately, a midlife crisis, like all life transitions, offers an opportunity for self-rediscovery and creating a more authentic, meaningful and fulfilling life.

The Midlife Pivot
What a Midlife Crisis Can Teach You About Priorities, Purpose, and Possibilities

One of my From Troubled to Triumphant: Finding Solid Ground During a Life Quake retreat guests, Barbara K. explained why she decided to attend a retreat here at my little French farmhouse:

“Listen, midlife and the menopause hit me like a freight train—and not one of those fancy bullet trains that glide in silently. No, this was an old-school, coal-belching locomotive with a blaring horn, zero warning, and a hypoglycemic conductor who probably skipped breakfast. One day, I was living my life, buying anti-wrinkle creams I didn’t really need, as you do, and the next? BOOM. My internal thermostat was shattered, my patience promptly evaporated, and sleep became an elusive ex-boyfriend who left without explanation.

So, let’s talk about this wild ride, shall we? Grab a fan (you’ll need it), pour yourself something calming (or alternatively, caffeinated), and buckle up for my hormone-fueled journey through hot flashes, mood swings, and the kind of fatigue that makes you forget why you walked into a room.

The Heat is On (All the Time)

Let’s start with the headliner: hot flashes. Whoever named them was being generous. These aren’t just flashes; they’re full-blown internal bonfires. One minute I’m watching Netflix, the next I’m frantically peeling off layers like I’m in some weird striptease competition. (Spoiler: first one naked wins.)

And it’s not just the heat—it’s the timing. Hot flashes don’t care if you’re in a Zoom meeting, at the grocery store, or trying to peacefully enjoy your kid’s piano recital. No, they’ll strike when they want, leaving you looking like you just ran a marathon in the Sahara.

Pro tip: Always have a handheld fan and a cool drink nearby. I now own more fans than Taylor Swift. (No regrets.) Oh, and if you see a middle-aged woman standing in the freezer aisle at the supermarket, mind your own business. She has her reasons, she’s fine.

Sleeping Beauty? Try Sleepless Beast.

Remember when sleep was easy? When your head hit the pillow, and eight blissful hours later, you wake up feeling like a fully functional human? Yeah, me neither.

Now, I spend my nights tossing, turning, and debating if I should just give up and start my day at 3 a.m. And the cherry on this insomnia sundae? The night sweats. Imagine waking up drenched, convinced your bed’s been transformed into a swamp. It’s delightful, really.

It’s not just the hot flashes. It’s the night sweats. And the racing thoughts. I’ll be lying there, minding my own business, when suddenly my brain decides to remind me of something embarrassing I said in 1998. Or I’ll start mentally reorganising the pantry at 4 a.m. because clearly, that’s urgent.

I’ve tried all the tricks—chamomile tea, white noise machines, lavender spray, meditation apps, even wearing socks to bed because someone on the internet swore it “regulates your body temperature.” (It doesn’t. It just makes your feet sweaty.) None of it worked. Then a friend recommended weighted blankets, and let me tell you, those things are magic. It’s like being hugged by a cloud. A really heavy cloud.

Eventually, I invested in moisture-wicking sheets and a cooling pillow. Do they solve anything? No. But they do make me feel like I’m sort of in control of my life again.

Mood Swings: Buckle Up, wannabe Survivors

Here’s the thing: I used to be a nice person. Ask my friends, my neighbours, even my cat. Now? One second I’m fine, the next I’m crying because a stranger on Instagram adopted a rescue dog named Pickles. (He looked so happy, okay?!)

My family has developed a sort of unspoken code for handling my moods. If I’m ranting about how nobody ever takes the bins out, my daughter quietly passes me a chocolate bar and backs away. It works like magic. My husband, bless him, meekly hands me the TV remote and retreats to the garage when he sees the telltale signs of an impending meltdown. Honestly? Smart moves all around.

Journaling has been surprisingly helpful for keeping the emotional rollercoaster in check. There’s something about scribbling down all my irrational frustrations that makes them feel… less intense. Plus, it keeps me from snapping at innocent bystanders, like the barista who accidentally gave me oat milk instead of almond milk. (I’m sorry, Greg. I was not myself that day.)

And yes, I’ve also started meditating. Don’t laugh. It’s not just for hippies and Gwyneth Paltrow. A few minutes of deep breathing can do wonders when you’re on the verge of throwing a loaf of bread at someone’s head. (Ask me how I know.)

But seriously, the mood swings are no joke. One day, I snapped at my son for leaving his shoes in the hallway. Ten minutes later, I was hugging hpm, apologising, and crying about how he’s growing up too fast. He looked at me like I was an alien. Honestly? Same.

Fatigue: When Even Coffee Can’t Save You

I used to pride myself on being the Energiser Bunny of my social circle. PTA meetings, book clubs, birthday parties? I was the queen of multitasking and late-night Pinterest scrolling. These days? If I manage to get through an episode of The Great British Bake Off without dozing off, it feels like a personal victory.

Fatigue during menopause isn’t your garden-variety tiredness. It’s the kind of exhaustion that makes you question if you’ve somehow been hit by a tranquiliser dart. I’ve nodded off at my desk, in the carpool line, and once—don’t judge me—at the hair salon while getting my roots touched up. (The stylist said I snored. Loudly.)

To combat this, I’ve become the weirdo who swears by naps. Naps are woke. I schedule them like meetings now. “Oh, you want to catch up at 3 p.m.? Sorry, I have a prior commitment.”

Exercise helps too, which feels unfair because who has energy for a brisk walk when you’re running on fumes? But weirdly, moving around does give me a bit of a boost. Sometimes I just dance in my kitchen to ’80s pop while yelling, “Staying Alive!” It’s not paricularly glamorous or elegant, but it makes me feel, well, alive. Of course, the first time I did yoga, I fell asleep during savasana. The instructor thought I was having a spiritual awakening. I was just done.

Food, Glorious Food (and the Occasional Meltdown)

Now, let’s address the elephant in the room: cravings. One minute you’re on a health kick, eating salads and drinking green smoothies. The next, you’re devouring an entire bag of chips while Googling “best chocolate cake recipes.”

I’ve learned to embrace balance. Yes, I eat my veggies. Yes, I indulge in the occasional midnight cheese toastie. And no, I don’t feel bad about it. Life’s too short to deny yourself carbs, especially when your hormones are already out here wreaking havoc.

That said, I do try to eat foods that help with symptoms. Lots of leafy greens, nuts, and omega-3s. And wine. (What? It’s made from grapes. Totally counts.)

The Silver Lining (Yes, There’s a very Thin One!)

Here’s the thing: as much as menopause can feel like a never-ending game of “What fresh hell is this?”, it’s not all bad. It’s kind of freeing, in a way. No more worrying about that time of the month. No more feeling like you’re at the mercy of your cycle. It’s like entering a whole new chapter of womanhood. One where you know exactly what you want (even if it’s just more naps and ice cream).

Plus, menopause has taught me to slow down and listen to my body. I’ve stopped trying to do everything and be everywhere. Instead, I focus on what truly matters—spending time with my family, finding joy in the little things, and embracing this beautifully chaotic phase of life. Menopause forces you to prioritise self-care, and let go of things that no longer serve you—like uncomfortable bras, people who drain your energy, and the out-of-touch-with-reality notion that women have to be “put together” all the time.

I’ve even started saying “no” to things I don’t want to do (frequently). It’s liberating. And while I may not have control over my hormones, I do have control over how I show up for myself.

I decided to attend a From Troubled to Triumphant retreat because it offered a rare opportunity to step away from the chaos and confusion of daily (mid)life and reconnect with myself in a meaningful way (I desperately needed to do that!) Walking the Camino in the serene beauty of southwest France provided a powerful setting for some serious thinking. The retreat guides you through a transformative process that blends physical exercise with emotional breakthroughs, helping you come to terms with the uncertainty of this life-shattering change. You’ll rediscover your purpose, regain your balance, and transition into your next chapter with renewed confidence.

So, to anyone else out there battling menopause: you don’t have to do this on your own. Whether you’re laughing through the tears or sweating through the laughs, just remember—you’ve got this. “

Author Bio: Dr Margaretha Montagu – described as a “game changer”, “gifted healer”, “guiding light” and “life-enriching author” – is an experienced medical doctor, a certified NLP practitioner, a medical hypnotherapist, an equine-assisted psychotherapist (EAGALAcertified) and a transformational retreat leader who guides her clients through life transitions – virtually, or with the assistance of her Friesian and Falabella horses, at their home in the southwest of France.

Imagine having a survival toolkit ready next time you’re hit by a life-shattering transition. My How to Survive a Life Quake 7-part online course isn’t just another hybrid course – with or without coaching – it’s a heartfelt made-with-love guide packed with tools to help you survive and even thrive through life’s toughest transitions, with resilience.

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