The Radical Renaissance Revolution: Courses, Coaching, Retreats and Books
Author: Margaretha Montagu
Dr Margaretha Montagu – described as a “game changer”, “gifted healer”, “guiding light” and “life-enriching author” – is a certified transformational retreat leader who guides her clients towards their most meaningful and fulfilling lives, particularly when navigating life transitions – virtually, or with the assistance of her Friesian Horses, at their home in the southwest of France.
Friendships often grow in unexpected ways when we create space for them. Life transitions may feel isolating, but they also provide opportunities to connect with people who resonate with the new chapters we’re stepping into.
Take a moment to think about the kinds of friendships you’d like to cultivate. Maybe you’re seeking someone who shares your interests, someone who offers a fresh perspective, or simply someone who listens without judgment. These connections don’t happen overnight, but being open to them is the first step.
Look for opportunities to meet new people—whether it’s joining a group, attending an event, or even starting a conversation online. Each interaction holds the potential to plant the seed of a new friendship.
Journaling Prompt: What qualities do you value in a friend? How can you attract those qualities into your life through your own actions?
Action Step: Take one small step toward meeting someone new today. It could be reaching out to a mutual acquaintance, joining a community activity, or simply being open to conversations.
Interactive Comment: Ready to create space for new connections? Comment with “I’m open to new friends!”
Would you like to find out what type of friend YOU are? How well do you know your friends? If you and a new friend really are compatible? I have created a set of light-hearted quizzes, quotes and questions to help you do just that.
Included: – How well do you know your Friends? Quiz – What is Your Friendship Style? and Are your Friendship Styles compatible? Quiz – 20 of the Most Inspiring Friends and Friendship Quotes and – 20 lighthearted Questions you can ask to get to know a new Friend
Discover how to build meaningful, lasting friendships and create a support system that truly has your back—delivered straight to your inbox!
Friends and Friendships
Discover how to build meaningful, lasting friendships and create a support system that truly has your back—delivered straight to your inbox! (newsletter subscription included)
Thank you so much!
More information about making friends and maintaining friendships (including the quizzes I mentioned) is on its way to you. You have also successfully subscribed to my newsletter.
It’s time to kick exhaustion to the curb and finally ditch that terminally overwhelmed feeling, evict your inner critic, declutter your mind and take control of your life like a boss. You’re about to turn your life from a comedy of errors into a blockbuster success story (with a much better soundtrack). This two-day online course is designed for anyone facing a major life transition, needing to dramatically reduce stress, end exhaustion and overwhelm, and prevent or recover from burnout.
I came across this quote the other day, by Daniell Koepke, and it hit me right between the eyes:
“My love language is safety. And feeling emotionally safe means collecting evidence that I can be my authentic, messy, sometimes dysregulated and struggling human self, and STILL be valued, cared for and not abandoned.”
I couldn’t stop thinking about it. It’s like someone had finally put into words something I’ve always suspected but couldn’t quite articulate. We talk so much about love languages—acts of service, quality time, words of affirmation, and all that—but what if the love language that really matters, the one that makes or breaks everything, is safety?
Because when you think about it, isn’t safety the foundation of everything else?
The Idea of Emotional Safety
When I say “safety,” I don’t mean just physical safety (though that’s obviously important too). I’m talking about emotional safety. The kind of safety where you don’t have to put on a mask or hide parts of yourself to be loved. The safety that lets you breathe deeply and think, “Okay, I can be me here.”
Vulnerability. It’s about making yourself vulnerable. One of the scariest words in any language.
You feel emotionally safe when you can express your feelings, thoughts, ideas and opinions, without fear of judgement—feeling secure enough to reveal your most vulnerable self to another person, trusting that your emotional disclosure will not be used against you in the future. It’s genuine self-expression without fear of rejection.
It’s knowing that your messy, complicated, imperfect self is acceptable, even appreciated. That you can have bad days, make mistakes, cry ugly tears, or say the wrong thing, and it won’t mean your significant other, friends or family, are going to walk out the door or treat you differently.
For me, and maybe for you too, that kind of safety is what makes a friendship feel real. It’s what turns a relationship—any relationship, including and especially romantic relationships—into something solid and lasting.
What really struck me in Koepke’s quote was this idea of “collecting evidence.”
At first, I thought, “Wow, that sounds a little sad.” Why do I need proof that someone won’t abandon me? Shouldn’t love be unconditional? But then I thought about it more and realised how normal it has become to need that evidence.
Think about it. We’re all shaped by our pasts—by the times we weren’t emotionally safe. Maybe it was a friend who ghosted you the second you were too honest. Maybe it was a partner who shut down when you tried to share your feelings. Or a parent who only loved you when you were “good.”
Emotionally unsafe situations can manifest in various ways, often leaving you feeling misunderstood, unheard, or even threatened. When do you feel emotionally unsafe?
When someone disguises threats as kindness or makes you doubt your own perceptions(gaslighting.)
When a partner/friend gradually separates you from your other friends, family, and interests, often under the guise of spending more time together.
When someone consistently avoids responsibility for their actions, blames you for their failures and makes you feel guilty for their inadequacies.
When your feelings are dismissed, trivialised, or not acknowledged, creating an empathy-less environment where you can’t express yourself freely.
When someone’s behaviour is unpredictable and their mood swings are frequent and unexplained, leaving you constantly on edge.
When someone is emotionally dishonest and claims to be fine but continues to make demeaning comments or indulge in (because it really is about indulging) passive-aggressive behaviour.
When a person refuses to discuss problems or grievances, for hours, days, weeks, months, even years on end, leaving important issues unresolved.
When someone punishes you for not meeting their expectations or harbours hidden resentments.
When someone acts differently in public than in private (two-faced behaviour,) making it difficult, or downright impossible, to figure out their true intentions.
When someone invalidates your feelings, tells you that you “shouldn’t” feel a certain way or minimises your emotional experiences.
These situations can make you feel emotionally unsafe, causing you to doubt yourself, feel hypervigilant, or struggle to be your authentic self in a relationship.
And these experiences leave marks. They teach us to be cautious, to test the waters before diving in, because being fully seen and then rejected? That kind of pain doesn’t fade fast.
So, yes, collecting evidence isn’t about being needy or insecure. It’s about survival. It’s about slowly rebuilding trust, brick by brick, until we can relax into a friendship that feels safe.
What Emotional Safety Looks Like
Okay, now you know what it feels like to be emotionally unsafe. But how do you know when you’re emotionally safe with someone? Here’s what it feels like for me—and maybe it’ll resonate with you too.
You Can Be Messy Life isn’t always neat. Some days, you’re the picture of calm, and other days, you’re battling through an emotional sh** storm. Emotional safety means knowing you won’t scare someone off just because you’re having a disastrous day. It’s being able to say, “I’m not okay today,” without worrying that the other person will roll their eyes or check out. It’s knowing they’ll sit with you in your mess, even if they can’t fix it.
Mistakes Aren’t Deal-Breakers I’m not perfect. You’re not perfect. None of us are. But in an emotionally safe relationship, mistakes don’t feel like the end of the world. You can apologise, learn, and grow without fearing that one misstep will ruin everything.
There’s Space for Vulnerability Emotional safety is when you can show the parts of yourself that aren’t shiny or Instagram-worthy. The fears, the doubts, the dreams that feel too big or too silly. And instead of laughing or dismissing you, the other person listens and says, “I get it. I’m here for you.”
You’re Allowed to Take Up Space Have you ever felt like you had to shrink yourself to keep the peace? Emotional safety means you don’t have to do that. You can take up space—emotionally, mentally, physically—without feeling like you’re “too much.”
Why This Kind of Safety Is Rare
Here’s the hard truth: not everyone knows how to offer emotional safety.
Some people just don’t have the capacity. Maybe they’ve never felt safe themselves, so they don’t know how to create that environment for someone else. Or maybe they’re too caught up in their own stuff to hold space for yours.
And then there are the people who don’t want to. They see vulnerability as weakness or emotional needs as burdens. They want the highlight reel, not the full picture.
It sucks, but recognising this can be liberating. Because once you know what you’re looking for—safety, not just attraction or chemistry—you can stop wasting time on relationships that will never feel right.
Building Safety Together
The beautiful thing about emotional safety is that it’s not a one-way street. It’s something you build together, step by step.
Here’s what I’ve learned about creating that kind of space in my own relationships:
Listen Without Fixing Sometimes, people don’t need advice. They just need to be heard. I’ve had to learn to resist the urge to jump in with solutions and instead say, “That sounds really hard. I’m here for you.”
Be Honest, Even When It’s Hard Honesty builds trust, and trust is the bedrock of safety. But honesty doesn’t have to be harsh. It can be kind, compassionate, and still real.
Celebrate the Small Wins Emotional safety isn’t built in one big moment. It’s in the little things—remembering someone’s favorite comfort food, texting to check in, and staying calm when they’re upset. Those small actions add up over time.
Respect Boundaries Everyone has their limits, and honouring those boundaries shows that you care about the other person’s well-being, not just your own.
The Courage to Ask for What You Need
One of the hardest parts about valuing emotional safety is admitting when you don’t feel it.
It’s terrifying to say, “Hey, I need to feel safer in this relationship.” Because what if the other person doesn’t get it? Or worse, what if they don’t care?
But here’s the thing: if someone loves you, they’ll want you to feel safe. They might not get it perfect right away—heck, they might not even know what emotional safety means—but they’ll be willing to try.
And if they’re not? That’s a sign too. Because you deserve to be in relationships where you feel safe, valued, and seen. Period.
And because feeling emotionally unsafe can have significant long-term effects on your mental, physical and spiritual health, your overall well-being:
Chronic lack of emotional safety can lead to the development of mental illnesses such as depression, anxiety, and adjustment disorders.
Growing up in an emotionally unsafe environment can contribute to the development of Complex post-traumatic stress disorder (CPTSD), characterised by emotional dysregulation.
Individuals may develop a state of extreme alertness (hypervigilance) constantly scanning their environment for potential threats, even when they are objectively safe.
The inability to feel emotionally safe can lead to trust issues, fear of abandonment, and challenges in forming and maintaining intimate relationships.
In workplace settings, a lack of emotional safety can result in reduced productivity and worsening performance.
Consistently feeling unsafe emotionally can erode one’s sense of self-worth, causing low self-esteem and lead to persistent feelings of being unlovable or unacceptable.
Chronic emotional unsafety can result in heightened emotional responses, mood swings, and difficulty managing emotions effectively.
The ongoing stress and anxiety associated with feeling emotionally unsafe can manifest as physical symptoms and potentially contribute to long-term health problems.
The fear of judgment or rejection can inhibit self-expression and risk-taking, limiting personal and professional development.
Feeling emotionally threatened can cause an increased risk of substance abuse: some people may turn to drugs or alcohol as a coping mechanism for the emotional distress caused by a chronic lack of emotional safety.
Letting Yourself Be Seen
I’ll admit, even when I find someone who feels safe, it’s still hard for me to fully let my guard down. Years of protecting myself don’t just disappear overnight.
But I’m learning. I’m learning to trust that it’s okay to be my authentic, imperfect self. That I don’t have to earn love by being “perfect.”
Because it is important to let ourselves be seen. Why? Because letting yourself be seen, as you are, allows you to form emotionally safe connections with others, who will, in turn, feel comfortable expressing themselves without fear of judgment or rejection. Communicating this openly strengthens bonds and helps resolve conflicts more effectively, because we’re more likely to listen empathetically and try to understand others’ perspectives.
By letting ourselves be seen, and heard, and understood, we create an environment where authentic connections can thrive, ultimately leading to more mutually supportive and resilient friendships.
Final proof that you’re enough, just as you are.
Choosing Safety as a Standard
So, here’s where I’ve landed: emotional safety shouldn’t be conditional; it should be the standard. It’s not something I’m willing to compromise on anymore, because without it, nothing else really works.
And you know what? That’s okay. It’s okay to need safety. It’s okay to collect evidence. It’s okay to want a friendship that feels solid and secure.
Because at the end of the day, you want to be able to exhale and think, “I’m safe here.”
So here’s to finding that kind of friendship—and holding onto it when we do.
In the meantime, you may want to take matters into your own hands, by responding to these journalling prompts, designed to empower you to take charge of your emotional safety, identify your needs, and take actionable steps to create a sense of security in your friendships and within yourself:
1. Explore Your Definition of Emotional Safety
Prompt: What does emotional safety mean to you? Reflect on specific moments in your life when you felt emotionally safe. What was happening? Who were you with? How did it feel in your body, mind, and heart?
Why: This helps clarify your personal understanding of emotional safety and gives you a foundation to recognize it in the future.
2. Uncover Patterns from the Past
Prompt: Think about a time when you didn’t feel emotionally safe. What made you feel unsafe? Was it something someone said, did, or didn’t do? How did you respond in the moment, and how has that experience shaped the way you approach relationships now?
Why: This encourages self-awareness about past wounds or triggers, giving you insight into why certain situations or behaviours might still affect your sense of safety today.
3. Identify Your Emotional Safety Needs
Prompt: Make a list of the behaviours, words, or actions that help you feel safe in a relationship (e.g., being listened to, having your boundaries respected). Then, list things that make you feel unsafe. How can you communicate these needs to the important people in your life?
Why: Understanding and articulating your needs is crucial for creating boundaries and fostering healthy, supportive relationships.
4. Reflect on Your Inner Safety
Prompt: How do you create emotional safety for yourself? When you’re feeling vulnerable, how do you self-soothe or remind yourself that you’re okay? What practices or habits can you develop to feel more secure within yourself?
Why: Emotional safety isn’t just external—it starts from within. This prompt helps you build self-reliance and confidence in your ability to care for your emotional well-being.
5. Imagine Your Ideal Safe Space
Prompt: Close your eyes and imagine the most emotionally safe version of your life. What do your relationships look like? How do people show up for you, and how do you show up for them? What specific actions or environments make you feel secure? Create a vision for this ideal safe space/situation and brainstorm small steps to start creating it today.
Why: Visualisation can clarify your goals and inspire practical actions to bring more emotional safety into your life.
Friends and Friendships
Discover how to build meaningful, lasting friendships and create a support system that truly has your back—delivered straight to your inbox! (newsletter subscription included)
Thank you so much!
More information about making friends and maintaining friendships (including the quizzes I mentioned) is on its way to you. You have also successfully subscribed to my newsletter.
Author Bio: Dr Margaretha Montagu – described as a “game changer”, “gifted healer”, “guiding light” and “life-enriching author” – is an experienced medical doctor, a certified NLP practitioner, a medical hypnotherapist, an equine-assisted psychotherapist (EAGALAcertified) and a transformational retreat leader who guides her clients through life transitions – virtually, or with the assistance of her Friesian and Falabella horses, at their home in the southwest of France.
During challenging times, friends often serve as our guiding lights. They may not have all the answers, but their presence helps us find our way. This holiday season, take a moment to honour the friends who’ve been a source of light in your life.
Think about the friend who calls just to check in, the one who sends a random text that makes you smile, or the person who’s always willing to listen. These acts, no matter how small, are profound reminders that you are not alone.
Friendships are about mutual illumination. Just as your friends light your path, you have the power to brighten theirs. Even if life feels uncertain right now, trust that the light you share will always be enough.
Journaling Prompt: Who has been a source of light in your life this year? How can you express your gratitude to them this holiday season?
Action Step: Reach out to a friend who’s been there for you and let them know how much they mean to you.
Interactive Comment: Grateful for the light in your life? Comment with “You light my way!”
Would you like to find out what type of friend YOU are? How well do you know your friends? If you and a new friend really are compatible? I have created a set of light-hearted quizzes, quotes and questions to help you do just that.
Included: – How well do you know your Friends? Quiz – What is Your Friendship Style? and Are your Friendship Styles compatible? Quiz – 20 of the Most Inspiring Friends and Friendship Quotes and – 20 lighthearted Questions you can ask to get to know a new Friend
Discover how to build meaningful, lasting friendships and create a support system that truly has your back—delivered straight to your inbox!
Friends and Friendships
Discover how to build meaningful, lasting friendships and create a support system that truly has your back—delivered straight to your inbox! (newsletter subscription included)
Thank you so much!
More information about making friends and maintaining friendships (including the quizzes I mentioned) is on its way to you. You have also successfully subscribed to my newsletter.
Download our brochure today and discover our carefully curated selection of transformative retreats. Our brochure has everything you need to plan the perfect getaway. Don’t miss out on your chance to create unforgettable memories. Click Here to download the Esprit Meraki Retreat Collection brochure and let the adventure begin!
I put the essence of who I am, and everything I have experienced that makes me who I am, with great enthusiasm, into my retreats, courses and books. – Dr Margaretha Montagu (MBChB, MRCGP, NLP master pract (cert,) Transformational Life Coach (dip,) Life Story Coach (cert) Counselling (cert,) Med Hypnotherapy (dip) and EAGALA (cert)
Good friends get it. They know when to just be there. No unsolicited pep talks, no half-baked solutions wrapped in Instagram wisdom—just your quiet, steady presence. Because sometimes you don’t need advice. You need someone to sit with you in the mess, hand you a box of chocolates, and say, “I know, this really sucks.”
Good friends don’t try to fix you because they know you’re not broken—you’re just processing. And the best ones? They’ll stick around long enough for you to untangle it all on your own, reminding you they’ve got your back.
Good friends understand on some intuitive, almost sacred level: not every situation is a problem to be solved, a wound to be patched, or a confusion to be cleared. Sometimes, life hands you something so chaotic, so uncomfortable, so downright painful, that all you really want is for someone to just listen. No fixing. No analysing. No advice needed.
Think about the moments that have stayed with you. Was it the time someone delivered a killer motivational speech that solved all your problems? Probably not. It was the times when someone sat beside you in the eye of your personal storm, not saying a word, but making it abundantly clear that you weren’t alone. That’s what good friends do—they hold space for you, creating a quiet sanctuary where you’re allowed to talk about how horrible you feel, without judgment or interruption.
Offering Unsolicited Advice
Here’s the thing about advice: it’s often more about the giver than the receiver. Even when it’s well-meaning, it can come with an air of “I have the solution!”—which, honestly, is rarely what you’re looking for in moments of vulnerability. A lot of the time, you don’t need someone to fix it because:
You already know what you need to do. You’re just not ready to do it yet, and a good friend respects that timeline.
There isn’t an obvious solution. Some things are meant to be felt, endured, or worked through, not hacked with quick-fix advice.
You don’t want a solution at all. What you want is acknowledgement. Understanding. A simple “Yeah, that’s tough,” can be the emotional balm you need.
Good friends resist the urge to be your life coach. They listen first. They don’t instantly start searching their mental archives for the perfect anecdote or action plan. They don’t try to steer you toward a “better” mindset or rush you toward a silver lining. Some friends intuitively understand that not everything needs a solution or a resolution. Sometimes, you just need a sounding board.
The Power of Presence
There’s an underrated, almost mystical power in simply being there for your friends. Presence says: I see you. I hear you. I understand. I’m right here with you. No agenda, no expectations. Certainly no judgment. It’s a radical kind of support in a world that’s obsessed with fixing, solving, and eradicating every obstacle. Immediately.
A good friend doesn’t need to fill the silence because they know that silence isn’t empty—it’s full. Full of emotions you’re sorting through, full of thoughts you’re piecing together, full of energy that’s raw and unprocessed. A good friend sits in that fullness with you, no questions asked.
Friends who know when this kind of presence is needed are rare, and that’s why they are so valuable. Most people feel uncomfortable with your discomfort. They rush to fill the void with advice, platitudes, reassurance or worse—distraction. But a good friend leans in. They’re not scared of your sadness, your anger, or your confusion, even if it’s scary, messy and inconvenient.
Listening Without Fixing
The hallmark of a good friend is their ability to listen without trying to fix or repair. There’s an art to it, and not everyone masters it in their lifetime. Listening without interfering means:
No interruptions. They let you ramble, vent, or cry without cutting you off or redirecting the conversation.
No advice unless explicitly asked. They don’t jump in with “Have you tried…” or “You should…” unless you specifically say, “What do you think I should do?”
Validation over solutions. They meet you where you’re at, saying things like, “That sounds painful” or “I understand why you feel that way,” instead of trying to block your feelings and force you to bottle up your emotions.
When someone listens to you in this way, it’s transformative. It gives you the space to clarify your thoughts, process your emotions, and arrive at your own conclusions—if and when you’re ready. It’s not passive, though. A good friend’s listening is active in the sense that they’re fully engaged, tuned in to you and nothing else. But they’re not inserting themselves into the equation. They’re just holding space for you to be exactly as you are.
Why Fixing Doesn’t Work
Here’s the hard truth: fixing doesn’t work because it assumes that the person in front of you needs fixing. That their pain, confusion, anger or frustration is something to be eliminated as quickly as possible. Often, your friend doesn’t need fixing—they need to express what they are feeling. They need to sit with what they’re going through, understand it, and move on in their own good time.
A good friend doesn’t rush this process. They don’t see your pain as a project or your sadness as a problem to solve. They know that emotions are not linear, logical things. They’re wild, untamed, and often unexplainable. And that’s okay. A good friend respects the complexity of your experience instead of trying to simplify it with cookie-cutter solutions.
The time for advice comes after, when you ask for it, and when you are ready to put it to good use.
When Advice Is Welcome
The moment will come when advice is exactly what you want. And a good friend knows how to spot this moment, too. They can tell when you’re genuinely asking for input versus when you’re just venting. They can read your tone, your body language, and your words, and they respond accordingly.
When they do offer advice, it’s never in a condescending or know-it-all way. It’s on your level, taking your resources into account, and understanding your current limitations. They offer their perspective as a gift, not a prescription.
The Small Acts That Matter
A good friend’s support often comes in small, subtle ways that speak volumes. It’s the text that says, “Thinking of you.” It’s the coffee they drop off without being asked. It’s the way they sit with you, shoulder to shoulder, watching a movie you barely pay attention to because your mind is elsewhere. These acts say: I’m here, in your corner, no matter what.
Sometimes, their presence is as simple as letting you cry it out while they pass you tissues—and/or chocolate. They don’t shy away from your emotions or try to distract you. Instead, they’re the steady anchor that keeps you grounded while you ride the emotional waves.
Being That Friend
We all have the potential to be that friend. It starts with tuning into the needs of the people we care about and resisting the urge to jump to conclusions and offer solutions.
Sometimes that means listening more and talking less. Sometimes it means holding space without filling it. And sometimes it’s as simple as showing up, no fanfare, no big gestures—just you, being there.
The Orange Couch
Jenna stared blankly at the ceiling fan, its slow, uneven rhythm unable to clear the fog in her brain. Her phone buzzed again—probably another “Let me know if you need anything!” text from some well-meaning friend. She couldn’t bring herself to answer any of them. What could she even say? Yes, actually. Please fix my life.
The breakup had gutted her. Six years of planning, hoping, building a future—and then, poof. Gone. All because Mike had decided that “we’ve grown apart” was a good enough excuse to demolish her world. She wasn’t ready to unpack it yet, though everyone around her seemed to have an opinion.
“You’ll find someone better.” “You should try journaling about your feelings.” “Just stay busy! Maybe sign up for a yoga class?”
She wanted to scream. Or throw her phone out the window. At the same time.
Her doorbell rang. Jenna frowned. She wasn’t expecting anyone. She shuffled to the door in her sweatpants and oversized hoodie, pulling it open just a crack.
It was Clara.
Clara wasn’t her oldest friend, or even her closest. But she was the kind of friend who showed up when it mattered. And here she was now, holding two steaming cups of coffee and a grocery bag.
“Hey,” Clara said, like she was commenting on the weather. She didn’t ask how Jenna was doing or why she hadn’t been answering calls. She didn’t say anything about the fact that Jenna clearly hadn’t showered in days. She just stepped inside and kicked off her shoes.
“I brought coffee,” Clara said, handing over one of the cups. “And croissants. Chocolate-filled ones. From the bakery on the corner.”
Jenna blinked, still holding the door. “You didn’t have to—”
“I know.” Clara plopped down on the orange couch in Jenna’s living room. The couch was hideous and ancient, but Jenna loved it. Mike had hated it, and admittedly, she’d actually considered that a red flag. “So,” Clara said, pulling a fluffy croissant from the bag and taking a bite. “What are we watching?”
“Watching?”
“Yeah. Something trashy, preferably. Or sad. Sad is good.” Clara glanced up. “Unless you don’t want to. We can just sit. Or I can go, if you’d rather be alone.”
Jenna closed the door slowly, the warmth from the coffee cup seeping into her hands; the heavenly aroma just about managing to penetrate her brain fog. She didn’t say anything as she walked to the couch and sat down, the cushions sagging under their combined weight.
They ended up watching a silly, saccharine-coated rom-com—one of those formulaic ones with too many montages and not enough depth. Clara didn’t comment when Jenna got teary during the overly dramatic reunion scene. She just handed her a tissue and kept watching.
Clara never asked for details about the breakup. She didn’t offer advice or try to cheer Jenna up. She just… stayed. When Jenna felt like talking—about how unfair it all was, how she couldn’t believe it, how she wasn’t sure what to do next—Clara listened. Really listened.
“That sucks,” Clara said when Jenna poured her heart out about the last fight she and Mike had. “I can see why you’re so hurt.”
That was it. No “you’ll get over it.” No “he didn’t deserve you.” Just acknowledgement and validation. And that was exactly what Jenna needed.
The Takeaway
A good friend knows that advice isn’t the currency of connection—presence is. They understand that you don’t always need someone to fix your problems or pave the way forward. Sometimes, you just need someone to sit with you in the moment, no matter how messy, uncomfortable, or uncertain it might be.
It’s a profound act of love, this kind of friendship. It says: I see you as you are, and that’s enough. And isn’t that what we all want at the end of the day? Not someone to solve our problems, but someone to walk alongside us as we figure it out ourselves. That’s what makes a good friend irreplaceable.
It’s time to kick exhaustion to the curb and finally ditch that terminally overwhelmed feeling, evict your inner critic, declutter your mind and take control of your life like a boss. You’re about to turn your life from a comedy of errors into a blockbuster success story (with a much better soundtrack). This two-day online course is designed for anyone facing a major life transition, needing to dramatically reduce stress, end exhaustion and overwhelm, and prevent or recover from burnout.
Friends and Friendships
Discover how to build meaningful, lasting friendships and create a support system that truly has your back—delivered straight to your inbox! (newsletter subscription included)
Thank you so much!
More information about making friends and maintaining friendships (including the quizzes I mentioned) is on its way to you. You have also successfully subscribed to my newsletter.
The forest was alive with whispers. Frosted leaves crackled underfoot as the wolf padded silently through the underbrush, his silver coat blending seamlessly into the winter’s dim palette. The air hung heavy with the sharp bite of pine and the musk of damp earth. Somewhere ahead, hidden by a lattice of skeletal trees, the deer grazed.
A faint rustle—a flash of movement. The wolf froze, every muscle taut. His amber eyes gleamed as he pinpointed the source of the sound. The deer stood in a clearing, its russet coat glowing faintly under the pale wash of moonlight. Ears twitched nervously, nostrils flared, testing the air for danger. But the wolf was downwind, a ghost among the shadows.
The wolf’s stomach growled. He shifted his weight, the pads of his paws brushing the frosty ground without a whisper. A crow cawed in the distance, the sound as brittle as broken glass, and the deer flinched. Its wide eyes scanned the darkness, but it returned to feeding, lulled by the silence.
The wolf moved. Slowly at first, each step deliberate, the way water slips through cracks unnoticed. His breath puffed faintly in the chill, visible for only a moment before vanishing. The scent of the deer grew stronger, heady with the warmth of life, fueling his hunger. He could almost taste it now: the tang of blood, the salt of sweat.
Suddenly, the deer’s head snapped up. Its eyes locked onto a shadow too close, a shift too sudden. For a heartbeat, the world seemed to hold its breath.
The deer bolted.
The wolf exploded into motion. His muscles coiled and released, his claws tearing into the icy earth as he sprang forward. The forest blurred around him in streaks of grey and black as he pursued his prey, each leap closing the distance. The thunder of hooves ahead was deafening, shaking the ground beneath him, and the scent of fear thickened the air.
The deer dodged between trees, its slender legs bounding over roots and fallen branches, but the wolf was relentless. The cold wind lashed at his face, carrying the coppery tang of adrenaline. His heart hammered a wild drumbeat in rhythm with the chase. The forest seemed to roar with the sound of breaking branches, crunching snow, and the wolf’s ragged breathing.
In a desperate gambit, the deer veered sharply, its hooves skidding across a frozen stream. The wolf followed, his claws scrabbling for purchase on the slick surface, sending shards of ice skittering like glass. He stumbled but surged forward, the gap between them shrinking with every pounding stride.
The deer, its breath erupting in frantic clouds, darted left, then right, searching for sanctuary in the maze of trees. But the wolf’s focus was unbreakable, his golden eyes fixed on the trembling silhouette ahead. The forest echoed with the rhythm of pursuit—the crashing of underbrush, the slap of hooves against the icy ground, the heavy pant of hunger.
The deer faltered, its legs splaying for a heartbeat too long on a patch of frozen moss. The wolf’s muscles coiled, every ounce of strength and hunger gathering into one final, savage leap.
Two animals. Same situation. Radically different responses to stress.
The Two Faces of Stress
A threat-response dictates the deer’s behaviour—its body in full-on fight-or-flight mode, a chaotic cocktail of narrowed blood vessels, diminished brain oxygen, and sheer desperation.
The wolf is reacting to a challenge-response. Blood flows fast, taking oxygen to muscles, as his heart pounds like a war drum—not out of fear but with determination. Every cell in his body works towards his goal: securing dinner for his injured mate.
Now let’s swap the savannah for your office, your kitchen, or the freeway. Stress hits—you’re late for a meeting, your toddler’s finger-painting the walls, or your boss just dropped an urgent five-part project on your desk. Are you the deer? Or are you the wolf?
Most of us will be deer. We treat every curveball like a threat, so we immediately find ourselves trapped in survival mode. Your body doesn’t care whether it’s a tiger or a traffic jam—it reacts the same way. Your cortisol skyrockets. Your heart races. Your brain gets foggy.
Life will never stop throwing us curveballs. The commute from hell, the impossible deadlines, the unexpected emergencies—they’re coming whether you like it or not. But we do get to choose our response. Will you bolt like the deer, or will you lean in, savouring the hunt like the wolf?
It’s the narrative (the story) you attach to stress that does the damage.
Your Choices
The science is clear: when you see stress as an ally, it behaves like one. Dr. Elissa Epel, a renowned stress scientist and professor at the University of California, San Francisco, has a nuanced view of stress that challenges the common perception that all stress is bad for us. Her research has shed light on how stress affects our physical, psychological, and even our ageing processes.
One of dr. Epel’s most significant contributions to stress research involves telomeres, those protective caps at the ends of our chromosomes. Think of telomeres as the plastic tips on shoelaces that prevent fraying. In our cells, telomeres protect our DNA from damage.
Dr. Epel’s work has shown that stress can accelerate the shortening of telomeres, which is associated with cellular ageing. When telomeres get too short, cells stop dividing, leading to tissue ageing. This discovery links stress directly to the biology of ageing at a cellular level.
Here’s where dr. Epel’s view gets really interesting. She doesn’t see stress as inherently bad. Instead, she distinguishes between two types of stress responses:
Threat Response: This is the negative stress we typically think of, where we feel overwhelmed and threatened.
Challenge Response: This is a more positive stress response, where we feel equipped to handle the situation.
Dr. Epel’s research suggests that how we perceive stress can significantly impact its effects on our body and mind. She advocates for adopting a “challenge mindset” rather than a “threat mindset” when facing stressful situations.
Say, you’re about to give a big presentation. Instead of thinking, “I’m so nervous, I’m going to make a complete mess of this,” try telling yourself, “I’m excited, and this energy will help me get my point across and put a substantial raise within reach.” This shift in perspective can actually change your physiological response.
“So when you feel your stress response starting up — a surge of alarm, racing heart, damp palms, high energy or jitteriness — remember that the capacity to mount a stress response to a difficult situation is a strength, not a weakness.
Think of it this way. Asking for support when you are struggling is a strength; well, this is your body asking for the help it needs in that stressful moment so it can be stronger.
Your body is built to recover from stress quickly. The human nervous system can go back to baseline within minutes. You have this capacity already — you just need to get out of your own way and let your body do what it’s programmed to do.” Elissa Epel, The Stress Prescription: Seven Days to More Joy and Ease
Cut to the Chase
Dr. Epel’s research on stress has led to several practical applications that can help us cope better with stress in our everyday lives:
Reframe stress as a challenge: Instead of viewing stress as a threat, try to see it as a challenge. This shift in perspective can change your physiological response and help you perform better under pressure.
Practice mindfulness: Incorporate daily mindfulness exercises, such as meditation or breathing techniques, to build stress resilience. Even 5-10 minutes a day can have significant benefits.
Adopt daily routines: Go to bed and wake up at the same time every day, aiming for at least 7 hours of sleep. This helps regulate your circadian rhythm and improves stress management.
Exercise regularly: Engage in physical activity, which acts as a natural antidepressant and can both prevent and treat depression. High-intensity interval training (HIIT) is particularly effective for stress management.
Use nature to recalibrate and recharge your batteries: Spend time in nature or even watch nature videos to reduce stress and improve well-being. This can help restore attention and produce feelings of awe.
Practice emotional labelling: When experiencing stress, take a moment to notice and name your emotions. This simple act can reduce their negative impact.
Distance yourself and consider different perspectives: When faced with stressful situations, try to gain some distance. Ask yourself if the situation will truly impact your life in a month or a year.
Focus on purpose: Actively seek out and create moments of joy and meaning in your life, as positive emotions can build stress resilience.
The Wim Hof method: Dr. Epel is studying this technique, involving rapid breathing and cold exposure, for its potential to induce positive stress and create antidepressant effects.
Consider dietary interventions: Dr. Epel’s research has shown that specific dietary changes can impact our response to stress:
Reduce sugar intake, especially from sugary drinks. Liquid sugar has an immediate impact on the brain and can trigger compulsive eating behaviour.
Increase omega-3 fatty acid consumption. Dr. Epel has explored how omega-3 intake can impact stress and our response to stress.
Focus on nutrient-dense foods. Dr. Epel’s work suggests avoiding “junk food” during times of stress, as it can be particularly harmful when combined with chronic stress.
Practice mindful eating. This approach can help reduce impulsive eating and better control glucose levels.
Aim for a balanced diet that supports overall metabolic health. Dr. Epel’s research shows that stress impacts how we eat and how we metabolize food.
Consider reducing dietary fat intake. Changes in dietary fat intake were negatively correlated with changes in telomerase activity, which is associated with cellular ageing and stress
By understanding and applying dr. Epel’s discoveries and insights, we can potentially turn stress from a foe into an ally, build stress resilience, improve our overall well-being, and potentially even influence our cellular ageing processes through the impact on telomeres.
5 FAQs
Q: How does Dr. Epel’s research link stress to ageing? A: Her research shows that women with high levels of perceived stress have telomeres shorter by the equivalent of at least a decade of additional ageing compared to women with low stress. This indicates that stress can promote earlier onset of age-related diseases.
Q: What has Dr. Epel discovered about the impact of early life adversity on telomeres? A: Dr. Epel’s work has shown that early life adversity, including maltreatment, abuse, severe neglect, and exposure to violence, is associated with shorter telomeres, even in young children.
Q: How does exercise affect the relationship between stress and telomeres, according to Dr. Epel’s research? A: Dr. Epel’s studies suggest that exercise can act as a buffer against the negative effects of stress on telomeres. People who maintain healthy habits like regular exercise, eating fruits and vegetables, and getting enough sleep show less telomere attrition during stressful periods.
Q: What has Dr. Epel discovered about meditation and telomere length? A: Dr. Epel’s research found that a three-week meditation retreat had a powerful telomere-lengthening impact, particularly in individuals with higher neuroticism scores.
Q: How does Dr. Epel’s work contribute to our understanding of stress resilience? A: Dr. Epel’s research emphasizes the importance of building stress resilience through understanding the mind, recognizing how we respond to stress mentally and biologically, and learning to work with our minds to enhance mental and physical health in response to stress.
Your Life Purpose
Dr. Epel’s discoveries have made me think. So stress doesn’t have to drain you. It can actually energise you. I found that the more you practice reframing your response, the easier it gets. You can literally train your brain to see opportunities where others see obstacles.
Her work on the importance of identifying your life purpose also caught my eye. It resonates with my idea that aligning with a meaningful life purpose can transform the way we face challenges and act as a powerful buffer against stress. Think about the last time everything went wrong—would having a vision for the future have helped you cope?
In times of overwhelming challenges, like life transitions, having a purpose becomes even more vital. Epel talks about shifting from “Why is this happening to me?” to “How can I use my gifts to contribute?” That perspective shift can be life-changing. Having a clear sense of purpose is the anchor that steadies you during storms, the spark that ignites your resilience, and the compass that guides you toward a life of fulfilment and meaning.
For most of us, it takes intention and exploration to uncover what truly drives us. That’s why I created the Rearing to Get Going in a New Direction: Finding Your Life Purpose Guided by Horses course – a dynamic, hands-on exploration that will help you gain clarity, rediscover your passions, and map out the next chapter of your life—a course inspired by the intuitive wisdom of my Friesian and Falabella horses.
Enroll in this course and start creating a life that reflects your deepest purpose and values today.
Author Bio: Dr Margaretha Montagu – described as a “game changer”, “gifted healer”, “guiding light” and “life-enriching author” – is an experienced medical doctor, a certified NLP practitioner, a medical hypnotherapist, an equine-assisted psychotherapist (EAGALAcertified) and a transformational retreat leader who guides her clients through life transitions – virtually, or with the assistance of her Friesian and Falabella horses, at their home in the southwest of France.
References:
Elissa S Epel, Elizabeth H Blackburn, Jue Lin, Firdaus S Dhabhar, Nancy E Adler, Jason D Morrow, Richard M Cawthon Accelerated telomere shortening in response to life stress Proc Natl Acad Sci U S A 2004 Dec 7;101(49):17312-5. doi: 10.1073/pnas.040716210
Lin J, Epel E. Stress and telomere shortening: Insights from cellular mechanisms. Ageing Res Rev. 2022 Jan;73:101507. doi: 10.1016/j.arr.2021.101507. Epub 2021 Nov 1. PMID: 34736994; PMCID: PMC8920518.
Daubenmier J, Lin J, Blackburn E, Hecht FM, Kristeller J, Maninger N, Kuwata M, Bacchetti P, Havel PJ, Epel E. Changes in stress, eating, and metabolic factors are related to changes in telomerase activity in a randomized mindfulness intervention pilot study. Psychoneuroendocrinology. 2012 Jul;37(7):917-28. doi: 10.1016/j.psyneuen.2011.10.008. Epub 2011 Dec 14. PMID: 22169588; PMCID: PMC3384690.
Traditions carry a special kind of magic. They ground us in moments of joy and connection, and when shared with friends, they become even more meaningful. Whether it’s decorating a tree, baking cookies, or watching a favorite holiday movie, traditions are the glue that keeps relationships strong through life’s changes.
If you’re going through a life transition, revisiting old traditions—or creating new ones—can bring comfort and joy. It’s also a wonderful opportunity to invite friends into your world. Shared traditions become shared memories, and those memories create bonds that last far beyond the holiday season.
Even if you don’t feel up to elaborate plans, a simple act like exchanging handwritten notes or sharing a favorite recipe can become a cherished tradition. It’s not about perfection; it’s about presence and creating moments of togetherness.
Journaling Prompt: What’s a holiday tradition you love? How could you involve a friend in it this year, or start a new tradition together?
Action Step: Choose a tradition you enjoy and share it with a friend. If you don’t have one, brainstorm something fun and easy to start.
Interactive Comment: Ready to share the magic of traditions? Comment with “Let’s make memories!”
Would you like to find out what type of friend YOU are? How well do you know your friends? If you and a new friend really are compatible? I have created a set of light-hearted quizzes, quotes and questions to help you do just that.
Included:
– How well do you know your Friends? Quiz
– What is Your Friendship Style? and Are your Friendship Styles compatible? Quiz
– 20 of the Most Inspiring Friends and Friendship Quotes and
– 20 lighthearted Questions you can ask to get to know a new Friend
Discover how to build meaningful, lasting friendships and create a support system that truly has your back—delivered straight to your inbox!
Friends and Friendships
Discover how to build meaningful, lasting friendships and create a support system that truly has your back—delivered straight to your inbox! (newsletter subscription included)
Thank you so much!
More information about making friends and maintaining friendships (including the quizzes I mentioned) is on its way to you. You have also successfully subscribed to my newsletter.
It’s time to kick exhaustion to the curb and finally ditch that terminally overwhelmed feeling, evict your inner critic, declutter your mind and take control of your life like a boss. You’re about to turn your life from a comedy of errors into a blockbuster success story (with a much better soundtrack). This two-day online course is designed for anyone facing a major life transition, needing to dramatically reduce stress, end exhaustion and overwhelm, and prevent or recover from burnout.
Yesterday, I was at a meeting of the board of the Amis de l’Abbaye de Flaran (Friends of the Abbey of Flaran.) Driving home, the road leading past the ancient stone walls, mottled with moss and lichen, of weathered farmhouses with terracotta roofs glowing softly in the afternoon sun, I thought about what it means to be a friend of an abbey. Not just any old abbey, but the Cistercian Abbey of Flaran – founded in 1151, it is one of the best-preserved abbeys in the Gascony – in the context of making friends and maintaining friendships.
My friendship with the Abbey already goes back several years, long before I became a member of the board of Les Amis de Flaran. Maintaining this friendship has not been too challenging, as I am a fervent supporter of the classical concerts that Les Amis organises 4 times a year. I have also attended a couple of fascinating conferences there over the years.
As the abbey is about an hour’s drive from my little farm, my Camino de Santiago Walking and Writing retreat guests do not walk past the abbey during the retreat. It’s well worth a visit though, so if you rent a car at Toulouse airport, it’s a great place to stop for lunch on your way here; at the Auberge de Flaran restaurant, just next to the abbey.
My friendship with Flaran is not just about being a member of the association, Les Amis de Flaran, as you will discover if you read the next few paragraphs.
An Unconventional Friendship
It’s not every day you make friends with an opinionated abbey. But then again, the Abbey of Flaran in Gascony isn’t just any abbey. This 12th-century marvel isn’t content with merely standing stoic in its golden-stoned glory. No, Flaran continues to whisper long-forgotten secrets to anyone within hearing distance, hums along with its concerts, and, if you’re really paying attention, might just sass you over your far-from-impeccable taste in music, making you feel both reverent and oddly rebellious at the same time. And that’s exactly how it stole my heart: when Flaran hosts a concert—it’s simultaneously a royal gathering and an intimate soirée.
Our friendship began years ago, on a still-warm, languid autumn afternoon, when I attended one of its classical concerts. I’d expected an outstanding performance—something about Rachmaninoff and the enchanting setting can do that to a person. What I hadn’t expected was that Flaran wasn’t just hosting a concert; it was alive with the kind of energy that made the music feel less like sound and more like a well-kept secret being shared.
That particular afternoon, a promising young prodigy with more ambition than finesse, was deep into a Rachmaninoff prelude (G minor.) His fingers danced across the keys with the determination of a sprinter but the subtlety of a bull in a china shop. As the notes cascaded down the nave—some elegantly, others like a toddler tumbling down a hillside—I could have sworn I felt the air around me… shift. A raised eyebrow in the echoes, an impatient frown in the acoustics.
I leaned in, half-joking, and whispered to no one in particular, “Alright, alright, not every note has to be a life-or-death decision.”
“You’ve noticed?” came the reply, soft, resonant, deep and ancient.
I blinked, and glanced around. Full pews, hushed audience. Nothing but the music rising to the vaulted ceiling. I shook it off, convincing myself it was my imagination, tried to concentrate. Then, a particularly flamboyant chord sequence hit, and I swear the Abbey sighed.
“Now he’s just showing off,” Flaran said, voice low and wry, like an old friend rolling their eyes at a bad punchline.
I almost choked on my surprise. “Excuse me?” I whispered.
“The pianist,” Flaran rumbled. “Technically flawless, emotionally constipated. It’s like watching someone try to flirt in a language they can barely speak.”
I bit my lip to suppress a laugh. “You have outrageous opinions.”
“I’ve hosted pianists, young and old, playing Bach. Beethoven. Mozart. A pianist should play to seduce the keys, not strangle them.”
“Bit harsh,” I whispered, though I agreed. “He’s young. Give him time.”
Flaran paused, the silence almost as heavy as its stone columns. “Talent doesn’t come with time. I suppose he’ll either figure it out – or he won’t.”
The prelude stumbled to a close, the pianist bowing with a grin that suggested he thought he’d nailed it. The applause was muted, the audience murmured its discontent.
“Usually these concerts are excellent. You’ll just have to come back,” Flaran said.
“I will. You’re the most unconventional host I have ever had the pleasure of meeting.”
“Certainly the most discerning,” Flaran replied, with a chuckle.
Our friendship matured with each passing concert as we assessed performers, admired the acoustics, and yes, occasionally cast judgment on the audience (you’d be amazed at how judgmental a 12th-century abbey can be about someone unwrapping cough drops mid-sonata). Flaran’s wit could be sharper than a violin’s pizzicato, but beneath the irony lay a deep reverence for the art it hosted.
Our connection isn’t just about sound, it isn’t just about music; it is about the shared experience of something transcendent, something that can momentarily dissolve the boundaries between us.
Flaran is more than a glorious setting – it is a sanctuary for my soul. Its quiet wisdom wraps around me like the embrace of an old friend. It taught me that even the most formal of spaces can reflect your awe, resonate with your laughter, and light up as you celebrate life’s small but intense joys—like the beauty of the perfect final note.
Solid Foundations
The unconventional friendship between me and the Abbey of Flaran might seem like a whimsical tale, but beneath its humour and irresistible charm lies a deeper truth about what makes any relationship stand the test of time.
Accepting Each Other as We Are Flaran is unapologetically itself: a 12th-century badass abbey with a faiblesse for grandeur and the occasional sarcastic comment. And I would never expect it to be anything else. Similarly, I suspect Flaran accepts me, flaws and all, as someone who shows up with opinions about pianists and an occasional tendency to fidget during long sonatas. This acceptance is the foundation of our connection. A true friendship doesn’t demand perfection; it thrives on embracing the quirks that make each of us unique—whether we’re human or an ancient architectural wonder.
Mutual Interests Create Lasting Bonds At the heart of our relationship is a shared love for music—its power to transform, transport, and occasionally terrify (looking at you, avant-garde composers). It’s this shared passion that first drew us together and continues to unite us. The concerts we experience together are more than just events; they’re friendship-sustaining rituals,moments of connection that reinforce our bond. Like any friendship, a mutual interest provides the fuel for countless conversations, shared experiences, and the sense of being understood without having to put what you feel into words.
Regular Contact Makes All the Difference The Abbey of Flaran might have a solid heart of stone, but our friendship flourishes because I make the effort to visit, concert after concert, year after year. Friendships need tending; without regular contact, even the strongest connections can fade. Whether I’m attending a concert or simply wandering its quiet cloister, my time with Flaran is a reminder that showing up—literally and figuratively—is the simplest and most profound way to honour a friendship.
Humour is the Glue Our conversations—Flaran’s dry wit and my occasional banter—add a lightness to our connection. Humour is the secret ingredient that turns shared moments into cherished memories. It’s a reminder that even the most ancient, solemn places (or people) can have a playful side, and that laughter is often the shortest distance between two souls.
I’ve grown as a person in Flaran’s presence, learning to listen more carefully, fully appreciate subtlety, and treasure the quiet power of a well-tuned piano note or a well-placed pause.
Friendship should be a celebration of the timeless principles of connection: acceptance, shared joy, consistency, humour, and growth. It may be unique and unconventional, but perhaps that’s what makes it real.
“A true friend unbosoms freely, advises justly, assists readily, adventures boldly, takes all patiently, defends courageously, and continues a friend unchangeably.” — William Penn
Les Amis de Flaran
If you too would like to become a friend of the Abbey of Flaran, you are very welcome to join Les Amis de Flaran. The association, created in 1978, plays a crucial role in maintaining the abbey’s status as a vibrant cultural centre and ensuring that its rich heritage continues to be appreciated and explored by the public.
Membership comes with several benefits, including regular updates about the activities and events organised by the association, as well as free permanent access to the abbey for visits and exhibitions.
Membership fees are structured to suit different levels of support: €30 for individual members, €50 for couples, and €55 or more for benefactors.
The application process is straightforward. Just fill in the form on our website and send it along with a check made payable to “Amis de Flaran” to our treasurer, Olivier Hiernaux, at 5 rue Coiffard, 33200 Bordeaux. If you prefer, you can make a bank transfer to the association’s account and email us your details for a new membership registration.
I’m sure Flaran will be most grateful for your support.
The Abbey of Flaran is recognised as part of the “Grand Sites d’Occitanie” network and stands as a testament to the rich historical and cultural heritage of the region.
Friendships aren’t always perfect, and misunderstandings can create distance. But the holiday season is a time for healing. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting or condoning—it means freeing yourself from resentment and opening the door for connection.
Think about a friend you’ve had a disagreement with. Could this season be an opportunity to mend the relationship? Even a small step toward reconciliation can bring peace to your heart.
Journaling Prompt: Is there a friend you need to forgive or seek forgiveness from? How might taking that step benefit you both?
Action Step: Reach out to a friend today and take the first step toward healing.
Interactive Comment: Ready to mend old wounds? Comment with “I’m choosing peace!”
Would you like to find out what type of friend YOU are? How well do you know your friends? If you and a new friend really are compatible? I have created a set of light-hearted quizzes, quotes and questions to help you do just that.
Included:
– How well do you know your Friends? Quiz
– What is Your Friendship Style? and Are your Friendship Styles compatible? Quiz
– 20 of the Most Inspiring Friends and Friendship Quotes and
– 20 lighthearted Questions you can ask to get to know a new Friend
Discover how to build meaningful, lasting friendships and create a support system that truly has your back—delivered straight to your inbox!
Friends and Friendships
Discover how to build meaningful, lasting friendships and create a support system that truly has your back—delivered straight to your inbox! (newsletter subscription included)
Thank you so much!
More information about making friends and maintaining friendships (including the quizzes I mentioned) is on its way to you. You have also successfully subscribed to my newsletter.
I put the essence of who I am, and everything I have experienced that makes me who I am, with great enthusiasm, into my retreats, courses and books. – Dr Margaretha Montagu (MBChB, MRCGP, NLP master pract (cert,) Transformational Life Coach (dip,) Life Story Coach (cert) Counselling (cert,) Med Hypnotherapy (dip) and EAGALA (cert)
Laughter is one of the quickest ways to strengthen friendships. In the midst of life’s challenges, a shared joke or a moment of silliness can lighten the load and bring you closer to your friends.
This holiday season, let laughter be your gift. Seek out moments of joy, whether it’s through funny holiday movies, playful traditions, or simply sharing a funny memory with a friend.
Journaling Prompt: What’s a memory that always makes you laugh with a friend? How can you recreate or celebrate that joy this season?
Action Step: Share a laugh with a friend today—send them a funny meme, recall an inside joke, or invite them to watch a holiday comedy with you.
Interactive Comment: Ready to spread laughter? Comment with “Laughing all the way!”
Would you like to find out what type of friend YOU are? How well do you know your friends? If you and a new friend really are compatible? I have created a set of light-hearted quizzes, quotes and questions to help you do just that.
Included:
– How well do you know your Friends? Quiz
– What is Your Friendship Style? and Are your Friendship Styles compatible? Quiz
– 20 of the Most Inspiring Friends and Friendship Quotes and
– 20 lighthearted Questions you can ask to get to know a new Friend
Just fill in the form below and discover how to build meaningful, lasting friendships and create a support system that truly has your back—delivered straight to your inbox!
Friends and Friendships
Discover how to build meaningful, lasting friendships and create a support system that truly has your back—delivered straight to your inbox! (newsletter subscription included)
Thank you so much!
More information about making friends and maintaining friendships (including the quizzes I mentioned) is on its way to you. You have also successfully subscribed to my newsletter.
I put the essence of who I am, and everything I have experienced that makes me who I am, with great enthusiasm, into my retreats, courses and books. – Dr Margaretha Montagu (MBChB, MRCGP, NLP master pract (cert,) Transformational Life Coach (dip,) Life Story Coach (cert) Counselling (cert,) Med Hypnotherapy (dip) and EAGALA (cert)
Reimagine, Redesign, Reconstruct: The Ultimate Guide to Life Transitions
What we need for life transitions, aka major life changes, like for building IKEA furniture, is a manual, preferably with cryptic diagrams that don’t make you doubt your intelligence, and leave you with a few loose screws (where were they supposed to go?!) left over at the end. Life transitions are messy and chaotic, and raise a lot of difficult-to-answer questions. Whether you’re changing careers, starting a business, or rebuilding after a personal upheaval, your life is basically a DIY project.
What would a manual for the DIY project “Life Transition” look like? The 6 steps below will shed some light on the process:
Step 1: Determine the Extent of the Mess (a.k.a. Take Stock of Where You Are)
Imagine walking into your garage or attic and deciding it’s time to “declutter.” Five minutes in, you’re knee-deep in old tennis rackets, boxes of mystery cables, and your high school yearbook (that haircut!). Life transitions are no different.
Maybe you’re leaving a draining job, grappling with an empty nest, or realising you want to live somewhere that doesn’t require shovelling snow 6 months of the year. Before you can reorganise, you need to figure out what’s still useful and what belongs in the metaphorical trash can.
DIY Tip: What are you holding onto that’s no longer serving you? Old beliefs? Toxic relationships? Your “I’m not good enough” inner monologue? Toss those in the bin!
Step 2: Gather Your Tools (But Don’t Overcomplicate It)
If you’ve ever attempted a home project, you know the tools you think you need versus the ones you actually use are on two very different lists. That $300 multi-functional gadget you bought on a whim? Still in its packaging. But your grandfather’s trusty hammer? MVP.
Life transition tools are no different. Don’t get overwhelmed by thinking you need certifications, the fanciest tech, or an MBA to make progress. Not so. You probably already have what you need to start.
DIY Tip: Use your existing strengths. Good at listening? You’re halfway to building better relationships. A knack for creativity? Channel it into a new hobby or business.
Step 3: Follow a Blueprint (But Leave Room for Creativity)
Every project starts with a plan, but if you’ve ever assembled flat-pack furniture, you know plans rarely survive first contact with reality. The same goes for life transitions.
Your blueprint might involve neatly bullet-pointed lists, vision boards, or journaling (by the way, daily journaling is underrated—see prompts below). But don’t be surprised when reality throws in a curveball or two.
DIY Tip: Be flexible. Your dream of moving to Italy might start with learning Italian in your local café. Have a plan, yes, but embrace detours. Some of the best ideas happen when Plan A falls apart and you’re forced to innovate.
Step 4: Expect Setbacks (Because the Internet Lied About How Easy This Was Going to Be)
You know those Pinterest boards of perfectly renovated kitchens? What they don’t show you is the six-month delay, the paint colour disaster, and the plumber who ghosted you. Life changes are no different.
When you’re in transition, setbacks are part of the package. Your job interview might bomb. Your first product launch might flop. But every failure is a lesson in disguise—and yes, I know how annoying that sounds (and feels.)
DIY Tip: When things go sideways, ask, What can I learn from this? And no, “Never trust Steve from accounting” doesn’t count as growth. Fail fast, learn quickly, and move forward. Be like them.
Step 5: Call in Experts (When your DIY Skills aren’t up to Scratch)
There’s a moment in many DIY projects where you face the hard truth: you’re out of your depth. Whether it’s rewiring your house or navigating a major life transition, sometimes it’s okay to call in reinforcements.
DIY Tip: Coaches, therapists, or supportive friends can be lifesavers. Don’t go it alone when things get overwhelming. Hire a pro when needed. Someone to hold your hand while you tackle the scary bits—investing in help can save time, money, and safeguard your sanity.
Step 6: Celebrate Progress, Not Perfection
The first shelf you put up might lean a little to the left. Guess what? That’s still progress!
In life transitions, progress often looks like one tiny, imperfect step at a time. And that’s okay. Celebrate every victory, no matter how small.
DIY Tip: Found the courage to leave a toxic situationship? High-five yourself! Managed to cook dinner without burning it? Do a happy dance. Every step forward deserves recognition.
10 Tools for Your DIY Life Transition Toolbox
Self-Reflection Journal
Purpose: To clarify your thoughts, identify your goals, and track your progress.
Bonus: Journaling prompts further down the page.
Emotional First Aid Kit
Contents: Stress-relief techniques (like deep breathing), uplifting playlists, and comfort items like your favourite tea or cosy socks.
Purpose: To stabilise your mood during those “why is this so incredibly hard?” moments.
Support Network
Includes: Friends, family, mentors, or support groups who actually listen and encourage you.
Purpose: To remind you that you’re not alone and that you don’t need to do everything yourself.
Daily Routine Planner
Purpose: To establish small, consistent habits that anchor you during chaos.
Tip: Keep it simple—don’t overwhelm yourself with perfectionist scheduling.
Financial Plan
Purpose: To manage the practical realities of going through a life transition.
Action: Budget templates, financial advice, or an emergency fund.
Books or Podcasts
Focus Areas: Self-growth, resilience, or even escapism to help you recharge your batteries.
Recommendation: Look for books, films, podcasts and TED-talks about people who’ve navigated transitions successfully.
Boundary-Setting Toolkit
Includes: Phrases like “No, thank you” or “That doesn’t work for me right now.”
Purpose: To protect your time, energy, and mental health.
Skills Upgrade Guide
Purpose: To identify and work on the skills you’ll need for your next chapter, whether personal or professional.
Purpose: To visualise your goals and the steps to achieve them. To keep you motivated.
Bonus: To keep going when setbacks hit—because they will, and you’ll survive them.
Self-Care Kit
Form: Items that nurture you: bubble bath, good books, playlists, etc.
Purpose: To recharge your physical, emotional and spiritual batteries.
With these tools in your metaphorical toolbox, you’ll be ready to tackle any life transition like the pro DIY-er you are!
5 Journaling Prompts to help You use this Tool Box
1. Reflection on Your Support Network Take some time to reflect on the people who currently support you. Who are they, and how do they show up in your life? Consider what makes you feel seen, heard, and valued. On the flip side, think about any relationships that feel drained or negative. How do they affect your emotional well-being? Use this insight to explore how you can strengthen connections with supportive people and establish boundaries with those who may not have your best interests at heart.
2. Clarifying Your Vision Picture your life five years from now. Where are you? What are you doing? Who is by your side? Let this visualisation flow freely, capturing the details that make this future feel exciting and fulfilling. Next, reflect on your present: what aspects of your current life do you want to carry forward into this future, and what do you wish to leave behind? Finally, identify one or two small steps you can take this week to bring your life closer to this vision.
3. Evaluating Boundaries Think about a recent situation that left you feeling overwhelmed, unappreciated, or taken advantage of. Reflect on what boundary might have prevented that experience or reduced its impact. Look at areas of your life where saying “no” feels the hardest—whether at work, in relationships, or within your own inner dialogue. Now, imagine setting one specific boundary this week that protects your time, energy, or emotions. Write about how that could positively shift your experience.
4. Navigating Setbacks with Flexibility Recall a time when your plans didn’t go as expected. Write about the challenges you faced and what lessons you gained from the experience. Were there unexpected opportunities or insights that arose from the setback? Explore how adapting to the situation helped you grow or changed your perspective. Finally, consider your current transition: what steps can you take now to embrace uncertainty with more grace and flexibility?
5. Cultivating Daily Rituals Examine the daily habits or routines that currently bring you a sense of stability. Which ones do you value most, and why? Contrast this with any habits that feel stagnant or obstructive. Then, design a “perfect” morning or evening routine that supports your well-being during this transition. Describe it in detail, imagining how it feels to live this new rhythm. In my Rearing to Get Going in a New Direction, I’ll help you create the most effective morning and evening routines for YOU.
Does Liza’s Story Sound Familiar?
Liza hit rock bottom in the cereal aisle.
She was standing there, staring at the Cheerios, when it happened. One of those glossy women from her yoga class strolled by with a cart full of organic produce and a smile that said, I’ve got my life together. Meanwhile, Liza’s cart was half-full of frozen lasagna and discount wine.
The woman paused. “Hi, Liza! How are you?”
Liza plastered on a smile. “Great! Just, uh, running errands.”
But the moment the woman turned the corner, Liza gripped the cart like it was a life raft. Who am I kidding? she thought. She wasn’t “great.” She hadn’t felt great in months.
At 49, she’d been feeling… restless. It was like she was in a book, stuck in the middle chapter, unsure if the story would ever move forward again. Her youngest had just left for college, leaving the house so quiet she could hear the hum of the refrigerator. Work was a dead end; she’d been doing the same thing for 15 years and could probably do it blindfolded. Her marriage to Jeff was “fine”—fine in the way oatmeal is fine when what you really wanted was crème brûlée.
Liza who used to have big dreams, was now wondering if “dreams” were just illusions you had before you started buying the anti-wrinkle cream. Her mind churned: Is this it? Is this really all there is?
Is it too late for me to figure out what I really want? she thought.
And then, out of nowhere, she remembered something her dad used to say: “If you don’t like the way it’s built, grab your tools and start over.”
He’d been talking about furniture—he was a carpenter who hated store-bought junk. But the phrase stuck with her. What if life worked the same way? What if she could grab her tools and start her life over?
She wasn’t sure where to start, but when she got home, she opened a blank notebook and wrote three words across the top:
“My Life is a DIY Project.”
And if her life was a DIY project, starting over as many times as needed was perfectly okay.
With that spark of insight, Liza decided to test her affirmation. She grabbed a notebook and wrote:
Deconstruct: What’s not working?
Reimagine: What would this look like if I could start fresh?
Reconstruct: One small change at a time.
The first test subject? Herself.
She started small—taking an online course in graphic design because she’d always loved colour and typography. Soon, she was tinkering with her own business idea: creating quirky, affordable branding kits for small businesses. It felt…fun. Like those teenage projects, but with the potential to make her some cash.
Next, she turned her garage into a workshop. Literally. She painted a wall sunshine yellow and hung a neon sign that said, “This is where the magic happens.” It felt like a promise to herself.
As she worked, she began sharing her journey online—raw and real. She posted pictures of her half-finished projects with captions like:
“My first client said they wanted ‘bold but calm.’ Same, girl, same.”
Her relatability drew in followers. Other midlife women reached out, sharing their own frustrations. They weren’t just looking for inspiration; they wanted tools. How did Liza make this shift? Where did she start?
And that’s when she realised: if your life is a DIY project, your business can be too.
She created a course called Fixer Upper You—a cheeky, step-by-step guide for women ready to renovate their careers and rediscover themselves. It was part motivation, part blueprint, and entirely unapologetic. (“Step one: Stop giving a damn what Karen from the PTA thinks.”)
Fast forward six months, and Liza was sitting in her bright yellow workshop, sipping coffee from a mug that read, “DIY Queen.” She wasn’t rich yet, or Instagram famous. But she was happy. Fulfilled. And for the first time in years, she was excited about where her story was headed.
Because life is meant to be a wild, wonderful work-in-progress.
Your life does not have to be perfect to be wildly rewarding. Keep showing up, keep building, and when in doubt, remember: every great DIY project begins with an idea.
Are You Stuck in a Rut?
Grab your metaphorical hammer, roll up your sleeves, and get to work. You’ve got this.
⚡It’s Time to Pivot Into Your True Life Purpose! ⚡
Let’s be honest: you didn’t come this far just to shuffle through another year feeling stuck, tired, and meh. You’re not here to coast—you’re here to matter. So why does it feel like your life purpose is playing hide-and-seek with you?
It’s Time to Change That.
Rearing to Get Going in a New Direction is NOT your average “find your life purpose” course. Nope, this one’s different. It’s inspired by the kind of wisdom you can only get from horses—those majestic, intuitive creatures that know exactly how to follow their instincts. My horses taught me something life-changing: your purpose isn’t out there—it’s in YOU. All you need is the right guide (hint: that’s me) to help you uncover it.
This is about you—getting crystal clear on what sets your soul on fire and turning that spark into a blazing reality.
Here’s what you’ll get: 🔥 A Life That Feels Like Yours – not society’s version, not your parents’, not Instagram’s. Yours. It’s time to break free from the status quo – because settling is so last decade. 🔥 Unapologetic Clarity – no more guessing, second-guessing, or following paths that lead to dead ends. 🔥 The Confidence to Unlock and Use Your Hidden Strengths – step into your power and finally own your life.
This Isn’t Just a Course – It’s a Turning Point.
It’s designed to help you cut through the noise, ditch the distractions, and uncover your unique path—without all the fluff.
The question is, are you ready to pivot? Because waiting for the stars to align or for life to magically “figure itself out” isn’t a strategy—it’s a trap.
If you’re ready to stop thinking about change and actually make it happen, this is your moment. Don’t let it pass.
Author Bio: Dr Margaretha Montagu – described as a “game changer”, “gifted healer”, “guiding light” and “life-enriching author” – is an experienced medical doctor, a certified NLP practitioner, a medical hypnotherapist, an equine-assisted psychotherapist (EAGALAcertified) and a transformational retreat leader who guides her clients through life transitions – virtually, or with the assistance of her Friesian and Falabella horses, at their home in the southwest of France.
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