An Esprit Meraki Stress-Reducing Retreat Could Be Your Most Powerful Reset in These Uncertain Times

What this is: A grounded, honest look at why attending a stress-reducing retreat during a period of sustained political uncertainty is genuinely useful, not indulgent. We’re talking neuroscience, narrative, and the particular magic of walking the Camino de Santiago in south-west France with Friesian horses for company.

What this isn’t: A suggestion to simply “unplug for a while” and hope the world sorts itself out. Advice that assumes your anxiety is a personal failing rather than a reasonable response to an unreasonable amount of global noise. Anything that uses the phrase “just focus on what you can control” without acknowledging how exhausting that instruction has become.

Read this if: The relentless churn of political uncertainty has been quietly eroding your concentration, your sleep, and your sense of what’s actually solid. You’re thoughtful, informed, and have already tried most of the standard remedies. You’re not looking for distraction. You’re looking for genuine restoration.

5 Key Takeaways

1. A retreat is a strategic pause, not an abdication of responsibility. Stepping out of the noise is often the only way to gain the perspective you cannot find inside it.
2. Political stress is physiologically real, and sustained exposure to uncertainty activates the same stress pathways as any other chronic threat. The body does not distinguish between personal and global.
3. Walking is not just exercise, it is a time-honoured tool for processing anxiety, quieting mental noise, and arriving at clarity that sitting still, or sitting in front of a screen, rarely offers.
4. Community matters more than we admit. Shared honest conversation with people who understand the particular weight of this moment can shift something that isolation cannot.
5. Retreating is not giving up. You return more grounded, more clear-headed, and more genuinely useful to everyone around you than you were when you left.

Introduction: Why Right Now Is Exactly the Right Moment to Stop

Here is something worth admitting out loud: the idea of booking a retreat when the world feels like it’s mid-unravelling can seem spectacularly self-indulgent.

The world is in turmoil. You have opinions, responsibilities, a newsfeed that refreshes every four minutes with something new to absorb and react to. And somewhere underneath all of that, a quiet, exhausted voice that whispers, what if I just… stopped. For a minute.

That voice is not a weakness. That voice is wisdom.

The world right now is changing. Political instability, collective anxiety, the erosion of certainties that once felt permanent, the relentless noise of a global information environment designed to keep you activated and alarmed, all of it accumulates. Not dramatically. Quietly. In the quality of your sleep, the length of your attention span, the way you snap at the people you love for no reason you can clearly identify, the vague but persistent sense that you are perpetually braced for something.

This is what chronic low-grade existential stress actually does to a person. And it is doing it to a great many people simultaneously, which makes it both more understandable and, paradoxically, harder to address. When everyone around you is equally stressed, the stress starts to feel like the weather. Just the way things are.

It is not just the way things are. It is a physiological state with measurable effects and evidence-based remedies.

What you’ll find in this article: a clear-eyed, evidence-informed case for why an intentional, nature-based stress management retreat might be one of the most strategically sound decisions you make this year. Not an escape from the world. A return to yourself, so that you can engage again from a position of genuine strength rather than accumulated exhaustion.

The Story: How Claire Desmarais Found Solid Ground Again

Claire’s Story: When the Noise Gets Too Loud to Hear Yourself Think

Claire Desmarais had always been the kind of woman who stayed informed.

Not obsessively. Responsibly. She read serious journalism. She listened to thoughtful podcasts on her commute. She voted, gave to causes she believed in, had considered opinions about things that mattered. For twenty-two years, being a well-informed, engaged citizen had been part of how she understood herself.

And then, somewhere in the past two years, it had curdled into something else entirely.

She couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment. It wasn’t a single headline. It was the accumulation, the slow drip of instability, the sense that the floor of things she’d assumed were solid, institutions, norms, the basic predictability of how the world worked, was less solid than she’d thought. She still read the news every morning. She just no longer felt better informed afterward. She felt insecure, and then read more, and felt more insecure, in a loop that had its own grim momentum.

She was sleeping badly. Her concentration at work, previously one of her great professional assets, had developed holes in it. She’d find herself mid-sentence in a meeting, having lost the thread. She’d start a book and abandon it after two pages. Her youngest had asked her, with the blunt precision only a fifteen-year-old can deploy, whether she was “always going to be this tense from now on.”

She’d laughed. It hadn’t entirely felt like a laugh.

She tried the obvious things. She set limits on her news consumption. She went to the gym with more regularity. She had dinner with friends where they agreed not to talk about current events, which lasted approximately twenty-five minutes before someone said “I know we said we wouldn’t, but did you see…” She tried meditation, which she found useful in the way that a plaster is useful on a wound that really requires stitches.

Her colleague sent her a link. “This is either exactly what you need or completely mad,” she said. “Possibly both.”

The link was to a five-day Camino de Santiago retreat in south-west France. Hosted by a retired physician, Dr Margaretha Montagu, who had spent more than fifteen years guiding people through exactly this kind of sustained inner turbulence. Walking the Camino de Santiago. Storytelling circles. Friesian horses. Small group. Ancient path. A deliberate, held pause in a landscape that predated every current crisis by approximately a thousand years.

Claire booked it before she’d finished reading the page, then immediately worried this was too impulsive. Then decided impulsive was probably fine, given the circumstances.

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She arrived in France on a Sunday evening in October, when the light was doing that particular golden thing it does in the south-west, slanting through chestnut trees at an angle that seemed personally designed to make you feel something other than dread. She smelled woodsmoke, dry earth, and something faintly floral she couldn’t name. Her shoulders, which had been residing somewhere near her ears for the better part of eighteen months, dropped approximately two centimetres.

There were three other participants. A secondary school teacher who described himself as “constitutionally incapable of switching off” and had the eye bags to prove it. A retired civil servant who had spent four decades working in institutions she now watched being dismantled, and didn’t quite know what to do with the grief of it. A freelance writer who’d found that the anxiety she’d once channelled productively into her work had started, recently, to simply be anxiety.

They were all, in their own way, running on fumes and not admitting it.

On the first morning, they walked ten kilometres through farmland and forest, mostly in silence. Claire noticed she kept waiting for the urge to check her phone and was surprised to discover it didn’t come. The path demanded something from her feet, and her feet demanded something from her attention, and her attention had no room left over for the static.

The light through the trees was specific and unhurried. Her boots on the path made a sound she found unexpectedly comforting. A bird she couldn’t identify called from somewhere to her left. She had no idea what it was, and for the first time in a long time, that felt completely fine.

In the storytelling circle that evening, Dr Montagu asked a question Claire later described as the most useful thing anyone had said to her in a year: not how are you coping with everything, but what does the noise drown out, and is that the thing you actually need to hear?

Claire thought about that question for six kilometres the next day.

The horses, two enormous Friesians with the calm authority of creatures entirely unbothered by the geopolitical situation, were very present on the third day. Claire found herself standing next to the larger one, who was warm against her shoulder, breathing slowly and deliberately, like a gentle instruction. She matched her breath to the horse’s. Something in her chest, tight for longer than she could accurately remember, loosened by about a quarter turn.

By day four, she had slept, properly, for three consecutive nights. She had cried once, from simple relief at the quiet. She had laughed, genuinely, at something the retired civil servant said about her attempts to explain algorithmic news feeds to her eighty-year-old mother. She had arrived at a clarity about what she actually valued, and what she was actually afraid of, that two months of anxious scrolling had entirely prevented her from accessing.

She didn’t come home fixed. She came home different. Quieter in the places that had been loudest. More able to engage with the world thoughtfully rather than reactively. And in possession of something she hadn’t expected: a sense of her own ground, something stable to stand on, that the noise hadn’t managed to erode.

Why Does Political Uncertainty Hit So Hard, and What Can Actually Help?

What does sustained political stress actually do to us?

Let’s be specific about this, because “stress is bad for you” has been said so often that it has almost stopped meaning anything.

When the brain perceives threat, whether immediate and physical or ambient and political, it activates the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal axis and releases cortisol. This is useful in short bursts. It is not useful when it becomes the permanent background state of daily life.

Sustained cortisol elevation disrupts sleep architecture, impairs the hippocampus (affecting memory and the ability to contextualise new information), reduces activity in the prefrontal cortex (the part of the brain responsible for nuanced judgment, long-term thinking, and the ability to tolerate ambiguity), and increases the amygdala’s reactivity, making you quicker to alarm and slower to reason your way back from it.

In other words: chronic political stress systematically impairs exactly the cognitive and emotional capacities you most need in order to think clearly about a complex world. It is, neurologically speaking, spectacularly counterproductive.

This is not a character flaw. It is a physiological response to an environment that is genuinely more uncertain, more noisy, and more relentlessly demanding of your attention than the one human nervous systems were designed for.

Nature exposure and rhythmic movement, on the other hand, reduce cortisol measurably. Green space lowers rumination and activates parasympathetic nervous system function. Long-distance walking in natural environments has been shown to facilitate what researchers call “involuntary attention,” a form of soft, effortless focus that allows the deliberate, effortful attention system to rest and recover. It is, in effect, a reboot of the exhausted mind.

Dr Margaretha Montagu, MBChB, MRCGP, NLP Master Practitioner, Medical Hypnotherapist, and Life Transition Coach, has spent over twenty years observing and facilitating this process. As a physician with a specialist interest in stress management, and as the host of transformational Camino nature retreats for fifteen years, she has accompanied dozens of guests through the particular modern exhaustion of feeling perpetually braced against a world that won’t stay still.

“The Camino has been walked by people carrying enormous mental weight for over a thousand years,” she observes. “It knows what to do for a troubled mind. You just have to keep walking.”

Why does walking in nature specifically help?

The evidence is robust and growing. Research published in Scientific Reports found that spending at least two hours per week in natural settings was significantly associated with better health and wellbeing outcomes. Studies on nature-based stress reduction consistently find that natural environments lower cortisol, reduce rumination, and activate the parasympathetic nervous system in ways that urban or indoor environments do not.

The Camino de Santiago, walked through its original landscape of forest paths, river valleys, and ancient stone villages in south-west France, offers something beyond generic “green time.” It offers a route with meaning and purpose, paths worn by centuries of people who were also, in their own historical moments, navigating uncertainty. There is something in that lineage that many people find quietly steadying, the knowledge that difficulty is not new, that people have always found their way through it, and that the path goes somewhere.

Why we need the support of our community

One of the quieter revelations of a well-facilitated group retreat is discovering that you are not, in fact, the only person who has been quietly hollowed out by the accumulated weight of the current moment.

Political stress, unusually among stressors, carries a particular social isolation. People disagree. Conversations feel loaded. There is a reluctance to admit just how much it is affecting you, in case that sounds dramatic, or alarmist, or insufficiently resilient.

The storytelling circles at the heart of Dr Montagu’s retreats create something specific and valuable: a space in which honesty is the norm rather than the exception. The neurological term for what happens in such a group is “co-regulation,” the way that calm, honest, attuned human presence helps regulate an overactivated nervous system. The human term is simpler. I felt less alone.

Why Your Reset Matters to Everyone Around You

It is tempting to frame a retreat as a self-indulgent act, particularly when the world seems to require constant engagement.

Here is a more accurate frame: you are the nervous system that other people are regulated by.

Your children, your colleagues, your friends, they read your quality of presence before they process your words. When you are operating from a state of chronic low-grade alarm, that state is contagious. Not metaphorically. Neurologically. The people around you pick it up and carry it.

When someone returns from a genuine process of restoration, the effects do not stay contained within them. They bring a different presence to their relationships. They make decisions from a less reactive, more considered place. They model, for everyone watching, what it looks like to remain grounded when the world is not, which is, it turns out, one of the most useful things a person can do right now.

The ripple effects are real. A person who returns from a retreat quieter, steadier, and more genuinely present is not less engaged with the world. They are more usefully engaged with it. There is a difference between anxious attention and clear attention. Only one of them actually helps.

5 Mistakes to Avoid When Considering a Stress-Reducing Retreat

Mistake 1: Confusing information with insight

Consuming more news does not produce more clarity. It produces more activation. The assumption that staying constantly informed is a form of civic responsibility has become, for many thoughtful people, a very effective way of staying stressed while feeling very productive.

Mistake 2: Choosing a retreat based on luxury rather than substance

Lovely as a spa weekend is, it is not the same as a structured, professionally facilitated experience designed to help you actually process sustained stress. Look for retreats that combine evidence-based approaches, skilled facilitation, embodied practice, and genuine community. The quality of the facilitation matters enormously. With over twenty years of medical and psychological expertise, and nearly fifteen years hosting transformational retreats, Dr Montagu brings a depth of understanding to this work that goes well beyond wellness industry aesthetics.

Mistake 3: Waiting until the world calms down

The world is not going to calm down on a schedule that is convenient for your wellbeing. Waiting for a stable moment to invest in your own restoration is a form of optimism that the current environment does not reward. The time to address chronic stress is not after it has extracted its full cost.

Mistake 4: Going it alone when you could go supported

There is a meaningful difference between taking a holiday alone to decompress and attending a structured, facilitated retreat with a trained professional and a small group of equally thoughtful people. The former can be restorative. The latter can be genuinely transformative. The presence of skilled facilitation means that what arises in the space between people is held, worked with, and integrated, rather than simply experienced and left unprocessed.

Mistake 5: Underestimating the physical element

The body is where political stress actually lives, in the tension in your shoulders, the shallowness of your breathing, the way your jaw is probably clenched right now. Movement in nature is not incidental to the retreat experience. It is central to it. Walking, particularly long and rhythmic, through a landscape that asks nothing of you except your attention, is one of the most reliable ways available to shift what the thinking mind alone cannot reach.

A Short Intention-Setting Exercise Before You Decide

Find five quiet minutes. Preferably outside, or at least with a window. Without your phone.

Sit, and bring to mind what your attention has been most absorbed by in the past two months. Notice how that absorption feels in your body. Notice where it lives. Notice whether it is energising you or depleting you.

Now ask yourself, honestly: when did I last feel genuinely quiet? Not distracted, not numbed, but actually still?

And then: what would become possible if I gave myself several intentional days to stop absorbing the noise of the world and instead hear what I actually think, feel, and need?

Write down whatever comes. Don’t edit it. Just notice.

That noticing is your starting point.

Further Reading: 5 Books Worth Your Time

1. Why Zebras Don’t Get Ulcers by Robert Sapolsky. Chosen because it is the clearest, most readable, and most entertaining account available of what chronic stress actually does to the body and mind, and why the modern human experience of sustained, ambient, unresolvable threat is uniquely damaging. Essential reading for anyone who wants to understand, rather than just describe, what is happening to them.

2. The Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt. Because understanding the broader cultural and technological architecture of the anxiety epidemic is itself clarifying. Haidt’s analysis of how the information environment actively exploits our threat-detection systems is both sobering and oddly relieving. It is not just you, and it is not just weakness.

3. The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, because stress, including political and ambient stress, is not only a cognitive event. It lives in the body, in ways the thinking mind can’t always access. Understanding this is practical, particularly when considering why embodied practices like walking work as well as they do.

4. Deep Work by Cal Newport. Because the capacity for sustained, focused attention, precisely what chronic news-anxiety erodes most reliably, is also one of the most valuable and recoverable human capacities available. Newport’s case for protecting it is both rigorous and useful.

5. Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. Because when external circumstances are genuinely difficult and genuinely beyond our control, the question of meaning becomes not philosophical but practical. Frankl’s account of constructing meaning under the most extreme circumstances imaginable is both humbling and, strangely, one of the most grounding things you can read right now.

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P.S. If you’re looking for something shorter, sharper, and designed for people who are already saturated and don’t have time for a long read, Dr Margaretha Montagu’s own book, Embracing Change: In 10 Minutes a Day, offers daily micro-practices specifically designed to help people find steadiness when the ground beneath them won’t stay still. It’s warm, it’s practical, and it doesn’t require you to clear your schedule to benefit from it.

5 FAQs About Stress Management Retreats: Real Questions, Honest Answers

FAQ 1: Isn’t retreating from the news irresponsible when things actually matter?

This is the most important question, and it deserves a direct answer. Retreating for several intentional days does not make you less informed or less engaged. It makes you less reactive and more capable of genuine discernment. There is a meaningful difference between anxious, cortisol-driven news consumption and calm, considered engagement with the world. A retreat helps you access the latter. It does not ask you to stop caring. It asks you to care from a more sustainable place.

FAQ 2: I’m not fit enough to walk the Camino.

The retreats are designed for regular people, not athletes. Daily walks are manageable, meaningful, and paced for the group. The goal is presence and process, not performance. If you can walk for a few hours at a moderate pace with occasional rest, you can participate fully.

FAQ 3: What makes this different from just taking a holiday?

A holiday is about stepping away from your life. This is about stepping into yourself more clearly. The combination of skilled facilitation, structured reflection, honest storytelling, equine interaction, and intentional movement creates conditions for genuine restoration that a lovely week somewhere warm, however well earned, typically doesn’t produce. You return from a holiday rested. You return from a well-facilitated retreat changed.

FAQ 4: I’m worried this isn’t a good use of money when things are uncertain.

Chronic stress has measurable costs: in productivity, in health, in the quality of your relationships, in decision-making. The question is not whether you can afford to address it. The question is whether you can afford not to. A retreat is an investment in the asset that everything else in your life depends on. That is not an indulgence. That is maintenance.

FAQ 5: What’s the actual evidence that retreats help?

It is robust and growing. Research on nature-based interventions, mindfulness retreats, and somatic movement practices all point consistently in the same direction: structured, nature-based, community-supported experiences reduce cortisol, lower rumination, improve mood and cognitive flexibility, and support longer-term resilience. The combination of walking, professional facilitation, and honest group storytelling offered on Dr Montagu’s retreats draws on all three evidence streams simultaneously, and the over thirty guest testimonials on her website offer the kind of first-hand evidence that research papers, for all their value, cannot quite replicate.

Conclusion: You Cannot Think Your Way Out of Nervous Exhaustion

Here is what is genuinely difficult about political stress: it is diffuse, ongoing, and largely unresolvable by individual action. Unlike a concrete personal problem, it does not respond to problem-solving. Unlike a specific fear, it does not respond to reassurance. It just sits there, underneath everything, quietly consuming resources you needed for other things.

The answer is not more information, more discussion, more analysis, or more determined attempts to “stay positive.” The answer is a physiological reset, sufficient in depth and duration that the nervous system actually returns to baseline rather than simply pausing momentarily before resuming its alarm.

A well-designed retreat, held by someone who genuinely understands both the neuroscience and the human experience of what you’re carrying, in a landscape that the noise of the modern world cannot follow you into, is one of the most effective means available of achieving that reset. And returning from it not as a person who has opted out, but as a person who has, finally, opted back in to themselves.

“You cannot think clearly from inside the noise. Sometimes the most courageous thing you can do is walk somewhere quiet and listen for what you already know.”

Ready to Walk Away From the Noise? (Quite Literally.)

Imagine five or seven days in the sunlit landscape of south-west France, walking ancient Camino paths through forests and farmland that have absorbed a thousand years of human footfall, waking up to birdsong instead of breaking news, and spending your evenings in honest, warm conversation with a small group of remarkable people who are also, quietly, looking for solid ground.

Dr Margaretha Montagu’s Crossroads Camino de Santiago Retreats combine daily guided walks, structured storytelling sessions working through the Purpose Pivot Protocol, individual reflection, and the quietly extraordinary company of Friesian horses. Designed for people who are thoughtful, capable, and running on empty in a world that won’t stop demanding more, these 5 and 7-day retreats offer something genuinely rare: experienced medical and psychological expertise, ancient landscape, and warm, honest community, held together by someone who has spent nearly fifteen years helping people find their footing again.

If the noise has been too loud and your own signal has become hard to find, this is where you walk back toward it.

References

1. White, M.P., Alcock, I., Grellier, J., Wheeler, B.W., Hartig, T., Warber, S.L., … & Fleming, L.E. (2019). Spending at least 120 minutes a week in nature is associated with good health and wellbeing. Scientific Reports, 9(1), 7730.
2. Bratman, G.N., Hamilton, J.P., Hahn, K.S., Daily, G.C., & Gross, J.J. (2015). Nature experience reduces rumination and subgenual prefrontal cortex activation. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 112(28), 8567-8572.
3. Sapolsky, R.M. (2004). Why zebras don’t get ulcers: The acclaimed guide to stress, stress-related diseases, and coping. Henry Holt and Company. (Key supporting work on chronic stress and allostatic load.)
4. Leka, S., Griffiths, A., & Cox, T. (2003). Work organisation and stress: Systematic problem approaches for employers, managers and trade union representatives. World Health Organisation.
5. Steptoe, A., Shankar, A., Demakakos, P., & Wardle, J. (2013). Social isolation, loneliness, and all-cause mortality in older men and women. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 110(15), 5797-5801.

As you may know, I host Camino de Santiago walking and writing retreats and belong to a delightfully creative band of scribblers called the Wordweavers in the southwest of France writing group, and at one of our meetings, held on Friday the 13th of February 2026, which felt appropriately theatrical—I read the story you’re about to finish reading.

This is part 4 of the story of a doctor who spent years teaching other people how to breathe… and only much later discovered that she herself had forgotten how. Dr. Anna Vermeer was a competent, respected, thoroughly overworked physician who could diagnose stress in her patients within minutes and prescribe sensible solutions with great confidence. Every day people arrived in her office with tight chests, racing thoughts, insomnia, and the quiet sense that life had become a little too much.

Anna listened carefully, reassured them, and encouraged them to slow down.

Meanwhile, she ran through her own life at a pace that suggested the building might catch fire at any moment. She believed this was normal. Responsible people carried heavy loads. Dedicated professionals stayed busy. Doctors, after all, were supposed to take care of everyone else.

Until the afternoon she discovered—quite unexpectedly—that when she told a patient to take a deep breath… she couldn’t.

What followed was not a dramatic collapse or a sudden bolt of enlightenment. It was something quieter: a retreat in the countryside, a sunrise she almost missed, and a phone that, for the first time in years, was switched off.

Part 4

The clinic, it turned out, had been running perfectly well without her constant supervision. This was not a conclusion she had expected to reach. For years Anna had operated under a very sensible professional assumption: that if she relaxed her grip on things — even slightly — the entire system might unravel like a badly knitted sweater.

Patients would suffer.

Charts would multiply.

Emails would form colonies.

Civilisation itself might disintegrate.

Yet here she was, driving home through the quiet countryside after seven days of what could only be described as not doing very much, and the world appeared remarkably intact.

The retreat had been strange in the best possible way. Not dramatic. No thunderbolts. No profound revelations delivered by mysterious gurus wearing linen trousers. Just small things. Walking slowly through fields while mist rose from the grass. Listening to birds whose entire job description appeared to consist of singing enthusiastically for hours on end.

And breathing.

At first, the breathing had been slightly awkward, like reconnecting with an old acquaintance you hadn’t spoken to in years. But by the second morning, Anna had discovered something astonishing. Her lungs were perfectly capable of filling to full capacity.

The real miracle, however, had happened in her mind. When she switched off her phone that first morning and walked into the fields, something curious occurred. Nothing happened. No emergencies. No frantic messages. No patients collapsing dramatically in supermarket aisles because their doctor had dared to take a sunrise walk.

The world continued rotating in a pre-ordained, planetary manner. And Anna discovered a quiet but radical truth: stress had never been proof of responsibility. It had simply been a habit. A very persistent one.

The real test, of course, began on Monday morning. Anna arrived at the clinic at her usual time. The building looked exactly the same. The faint scent of disinfectant still floated in the corridors. The coffee machine still sounded mildly dyspeptic. And the waiting room was already filling with patients who carried the familiar invisible backpacks of modern life. For a moment Anna stood in the hallway. Her old routine tugged at her immediately — open email, check messages, rush. Her brain had already begun its familiar morning sprint.

But then she remembered the valley at sunrise. The quiet. The long, slow breath that had reached all the way down to her ribs. So she did something unusual. She stopped, right there in the hallway, just for a moment. She took a slow breath.

Inhale.

Exhale.

The clinic did not collapse.

Encouraged by this evidence, she tried something even more radical. She did not open her email immediately. Instead, she walked to her consulting room, set down her bag, and sat for thirty quiet seconds before the first patient arrived. It felt vaguely rebellious, like skipping school. The patient knocked and entered — a young man with headaches and fatigue. Anna listened carefully, asking questions the way she always had. But something about her presence had shifted. She was not leaning forward toward the next task. She was actually there. Fully. Listening. The consultation lasted the usual fifteen minutes, but when the patient left he looked noticeably calmer. Anna noticed something else. She did not feel drained.

Over the next few weeks, Anna conducted a series of highly sophisticated personal experiments.

The first: stop answering emails after 8 p.m. This initially caused mild psychological distress. Her fingers would hover near the phone around 10:30 p.m., wondering whether an extremely urgent message might be hiding there. But after several evenings of not checking, she discovered something extraordinary. Almost none of the emails required attention at 10:30 p.m. In fact, many problems had mysteriously solved themselves by morning.

The second experiment: eat lunch sitting down. This was revolutionary. Previously, lunch had consisted of coffee and possibly a biscuit consumed while standing near a printer. Now Anna took twenty minutes — actual minutes. She sat outside when the weather allowed and noticed things. Trees. Clouds. Occasionally a pigeon with radical opinions about breadcrumbs. Her nervous system seemed to appreciate this development enormously.

The third experiment: one deep breath between patients. Just one, before the next knock on the door. Inhale. Exhale. At first it felt like inserting a tiny pause in a machine that had been running nonstop for years, but gradually those breaths became small islands of calm scattered through the day.

Her colleagues began noticing subtle changes. “You look different,” one of them said over coffee.

Anna considered this. “Different how?”

The colleague shrugged. “Less… like you’re about to solve ten problems simultaneously.” Anna smiled. Progress.

The most significant change, however, appeared in her consultations. Patients with stress and burnout were still arriving in steady numbers — modern life had not yet improved its scheduling policies — but Anna now spoke to them with a slightly different authority. When she said “your body is asking for rest,” she meant it. When she said “try slowing your breathing,” she had tested the method herself. And occasionally she told them a story. Not a dramatic one. Just about a doctor who once discovered she had forgotten how to breathe properly.

Patients usually laughed.

Then they tried the breathing exercise. Sometimes the room would grow very quiet.

Of course, Anna did not become a perfectly serene human being overnight. She was still a doctor. Her days still contained urgent situations, difficult diagnoses, and the occasional administrative form that seemed designed by philosophers interested in suffering. But something fundamental had shifted. Stress no longer sat permanently in the driver’s seat. Instead, it appeared occasionally — like an overly enthusiastic backseat driver. When that happened, Anna knew what to do. She paused. Breathed. Stepped outside if necessary. The clinic garden, she discovered, contained a surprisingly charming apple tree she had never noticed before. It had probably been there for decades.

One evening, several months later, Anna left the clinic just before sunset. The sky glowed in shades of amber and rose. She stood beside her car for a moment, breathing in the cool air. Her phone buzzed in her pocket. Old reflexes stirred briefly — check the message, respond immediately.

But Anna simply smiled. The message could wait. Instead she looked up at the sky. Birds crossed the fading light in loose, unhurried formations. Somewhere nearby someone was cooking dinner, and the warm scent of garlic drifted faintly through the air. Anna took a long, slow breath.

It occurred to her that freedom was a curious thing.

For years, she had imagined it required immense courage, dramatic changes, escaping responsibilities, running away to remote islands, writing philosophical books about balance. Instead, it had arrived quietly, through small decisions — turning off a phone, taking a breath, walking outside to watch the sun rise. The secret, she now realised, had been surprisingly simple.

Freedom was not about doing less important work. It was about carrying less unnecessary tension while doing it. Stress had once felt like proof of dedication. Now it looked more like excess baggage.

And Anna had finally discovered the courage to let it go.

The End ©Margaretha Montagu

Sometimes people read Anna’s story and smile a little ruefully, because they recognise something of themselves in it. The constant pressure. The quiet exhaustion. The strange feeling of always being busy and yet never quite arriving anywhere. Modern life has a remarkable way of filling every available space in our days, until breathing deeply begins to feel like a luxury instead of something essential.

But every so often, someone decides to step out of that current for a few days. They come here, to this quiet corner of southwest France, where the Camino winds through vineyards and open fields, and where mornings begin not with notifications but with birdsong and pale gold light spreading slowly across the hills.

And something very simple happens. People walk. They talk a little. Sometimes they write. Sometimes they sit under a tree and do absolutely nothing at all. Their phones stay mostly quiet. Their breathing becomes deeper. Their thoughts begin to settle like dust after a long journey.

By the time they leave, many of them carry something home that Anna discovered that morning in the valley: the quiet understanding that freedom is not something you chase. It is something that appears when you finally give yourself permission to pause, breathe, and let the unnecessary weight fall away. And sometimes, all it takes to begin is a few quiet days on the Camino.

Unique Camino de Santiago Walking Retreats

As you may know, I host Camino de Santiago Walking and Writing retreats, and I’m also part of the Wordweavers Writing Group here in the southwest of France. At our last meeting—held on the wonderfully ominous date of Friday the 13th of February 2026—I brought along this story.

This is part 3 of the story of a doctor who spent years teaching other people how to breathe… and only much later discovered that she herself had forgotten how. Dr. Anna Vermeer was a competent, respected, thoroughly overworked physician who could diagnose stress in her patients within minutes and prescribe sensible solutions with great confidence. Every day people arrived in her office with tight chests, racing thoughts, insomnia, and the quiet sense that life had become a little too much.

Anna listened carefully, reassured them, and encouraged them to slow down.

Meanwhile, she ran through her own life at a pace that suggested the building might catch fire at any moment. She believed this was normal. Responsible people carried heavy loads. Dedicated professionals stayed busy. Doctors, after all, were supposed to take care of everyone else.

Until the afternoon she discovered—quite unexpectedly—that when she told a patient to take a deep breath… she couldn’t.

Three weeks later, Dr. Anna Vermeer found herself driving down a narrow country road bordered by hedges that appeared to have been growing there since the Middle Ages. The road twisted gently through fields the colour of early-autumn honey, and sunlight spilt across the landscape in wide golden sheets. Somewhere nearby, a tractor hummed lazily, the agricultural equivalent of someone whistling while they worked. It was, objectively speaking, a very peaceful place. Anna noticed none of it. She was dictating notes into her phone.

“Yes, please schedule the follow-up with cardiology,” she said, steering down a narrow path in what she privately considered a triumph of modern multitasking. A small voice from the navigation system announced that she had arrived at her destination.

Anna slowed the car. Ahead stood an ancient French farmhouse with wide open shutters and a courtyard shaded by a large oak tree. Gravel crunched softly beneath the tyres as she pulled in. A big black horse lifted its head from a nearby field and regarded her with mild curiosity.

Anna stepped out of the car, phone still pressed to her ear. “Yes, I know I’m technically on leave,” she said to the clinic manager. “But if anything urgent comes up—” She stopped speaking for a moment to read a new email that had just arrived.

URGENT: Lab Results Question. Of course. “Just forward it to me,” she said.

A breeze moved through the courtyard, carrying the scent of a thousand grass daisies and something faintly herbal — perhaps rosemary, perhaps thyme. Somewhere behind the farmhouse, a rooster crowed with surely unnecessary enthusiasm. Anna glanced briefly around. It was all very rustic. Charming, certainly. But she had come here for a practical reason.

Her colleague had insisted. “You need a break,” he had said firmly, after observing her attempt to drink coffee and answer emails simultaneously while standing up. “You’re forever sending patients to Margaretha’s stress retreats in the southwest of France. Perhaps try one yourself.” Anna had rolled her eyes. But here she was. Technically resting. Her phone vibrated again.

Anna walked into the farmhouse while typing a reply. The interior was cool and quiet, with thick walls keeping the afternoon heat outside and wooden floors that creaked pleasantly underfoot. The retreat host greeted her with a warm smile. “Welcome,” she said. “You must be Anna.” Anna nodded, still finishing her message, her thumbs moving rapidly across the screen. The woman waited patiently.

Outside the open door, a breeze stirred the leaves of the walnut tree, and somewhere in the distance a bird sang a long, liquid note.

“Dinner is at seven,” the retreat host said kindly and wondered by herself why she bothered. “If you’d like to walk around before then, the paths start just next to the vineyard.” Anna nodded again without looking up. “Lovely,” she said. Then she sat down at the old wooden table in the kitchen and opened her laptop.

For the next two hours she worked — emails, messages, patient notes — her fingers moving across the keyboard with the quiet determination of someone who had absolutely no intention of being defeated by an inbox. Outside, the countryside continued behaving in an offensively relaxed manner. Birdsong persistently floated through the open windows. A breeze moved softly through the trees.

The late afternoon light turned the walls a warm shade of amber.

Anna did not notice.

She was busy answering an insurance query that required fourteen separate sentences and one mildly heroic effort of patience.

By the time dinner was served, the sky had begun its slow transformation into evening. Guests gathered around the table and spoke quietly, the way people do when they have spent a day outdoors and have rediscovered the ancient pleasure of just being. Someone mentioned the beautiful walk they had taken that afternoon; another guest described the sound of cranes flying overhead. Anna nodded politely while discreetly checking her phone beneath the table. Three new emails. One flagged urgent. Naturally.

Later that evening, she stepped outside briefly to take a call. The air had cooled, and crickets had begun their nightly orchestra. The sky above the fields was vast and darkening, sprinkled with early stars. Anna stood near the courtyard wall, illuminated by the small blue glow of her phone screen. “Yes, I can look at that tomorrow morning,” she said into the receiver. Behind her, somewhere in the orchard, an owl called once — low and resonant.

Anna didn’t hear it.

She was already opening another email.

The sunrise walks happened every morning at six. Anna knew this because someone had mentioned it at dinner, and several guests had seemed quite excited about the idea. “There’s a ridge just beyond the fields,” one woman had said. “You can see the entire valley when the sun comes up.”

Anna had smiled politely. Six o’clock, in her professional opinion, was an entirely unreasonable hour for recreational walking. Besides, she had work to do.

So the next morning she woke at seven thirty — not because she planned to, but because her alarm had been set for six and she had apparently turned it off without remembering. For a moment, she lay there in the unfamiliar quiet of the farmhouse bedroom. No traffic. No hospital machines humming. No phones ringing. Just silence. A soft golden light spilled across the terracotta floor. Anna sat up slowly. Something about the quality of the light felt unusual. She pulled on a sweater and walked to the window.

Outside, the countryside was glowing. The sun had just risen above the low hills, filling the valley with pale gold. A thin mist floated over the fields like a veil that hadn’t quite decided whether to stay or leave. The trees were perfectly still. Anna stood there for a moment, then glanced at the bedside table where her phone was waiting.

She picked it up automatically. Eight emails. Two messages from the clinic. One flagged urgent.

Anna felt the familiar tightening in her chest — the small electric pull of responsibility. Deadlines. Patients with problems. Questions needing answers. Her thumb hovered over the screen, and for a moment she felt something strange. Not exactly stress. Weight. The constant mental pressure she had been carrying for years — schedules, expectations, decisions, responsibilities — all of it pressing quietly on her thoughts like a stack of invisible books.

She sat down on the edge of the bed. The room was perfectly silent. She tried the breathing exercise again. A slow inhale. This time the breath travelled slightly deeper. Not deep enough, but deeper. She exhaled slowly. Another bird began singing outside, a cheerful cascading melody that sounded suspiciously like joy.

Anna looked again at the glowing phone screen. Then, with a small movement that felt both reckless and oddly brave, she turned it off. The sudden absence of notifications felt almost physical, like stepping out of a noisy room. She set the phone down and sat there for a moment doing absolutely nothing.

Then she stood, slipped on her shoes, and stepped outside.

The air was cool and fresh against her face. The scent of wild herbs rose from the ground, and somewhere in the distance a horse snorted softly. Anna began walking toward the fields — no agenda, no schedule, no urgent messages — just the quiet rhythm of her footsteps in the grass. For the first time in years, her mind began to slow.

And somewhere between one breath and the next, Dr. Anna Vermeer realised something both simple and extraordinary: freedom, it turned out, was not something you claimed.

It was something you received, by having the courage to let go.

Part 4

Unique Camino de Santiago Walking Retreats

Deep in the heart of the rolling hills of Gascony, one of south-west France’s most remarkable medieval villages sits quietly on a pilgrim road, largely unknown to the wider world — and all the more remarkable for it. Within walking distance of my little farm it is a must-se for all of my Camino de Santiago Walking Retreat guests.

En Français Plus Bas

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Somewhere between Nogaro and the Pyrenean foothills, the landscape of the Gers département unfolds in long, slow undulations: sun-bleached fields of sunflowers and maize, vineyards heavy with the promise of Armagnac, and narrow roads that meander between villages as if they’ve forgotten what they were supposed to be doing and decided they might as well enjoy the scenery. It is here, a few kilometres south-west of Nogaro, that the small commune of Sainte Christie d’Armagnac waits with a patience that feels almost geological — the kind of patience that comes from having watched the Hundred Years War, the Wars of Religion, and the invention of the mobile phone all wash over you without once losing your composure.

The name is Occitan at heart — Senta Crestia d’Armanhac — and the village itself is about as Gascon as Gascon gets: unhurried, deeply rooted, and quietly extraordinary. With a population that barely troubles the census takers, it is the kind of place that rewards curiosity and punishes haste. But those who slow down long enough to look properly will find themselves standing inside one of the most intriguing medieval sites in the entire south-west of France. The village won’t make a fuss about this. Fussing is not really the Gascon way.

A Castelnau on the Pilgrim Road

Sainte Christie d’Armagnac is believed to have originated as a castelnau — a planned medieval settlement built around or near a fortified lord’s residence, a common form of town-building in medieval Gascony. Think of it as medieval urban planning: the lord picks a hillock, plants a flag, and announces that a village will now exist here. Peasants, as ever, do what they’re told.

The toponym itself derives from Sainte Christine, the village’s patron saint, and local lords of the manor are recorded in documents going back to the thirteenth century — meaning people have been calling this place home for at least eight hundred years, which puts most of our own concerns into a pleasingly humbling perspective.

What makes the village’s position particularly special is its location on the GR65, the great Way of Saint James — the Chemin de Saint-Jacques de Compostelle — that threads across France towards the Spanish border and, ultimately, the shrine of Santiago de Compostela in Galicia. For centuries, pilgrims have passed through this corner of Gascony on foot, their eyes on the horizon and their boots wearing down the same ancient tracks. Today’s walkers with their trekking poles and shell-adorned rucksacks are only the latest in a procession stretching back a thousand years. One imagines the medieval villagers regarded each wave of pilgrims with the same affectionate bemusement that the current residents probably extend to the Lycra-clad cyclists who now sail past on the Route d’Armagnac.

The Castet: Earth, Brick, and Deep Immorial

The centrepiece of Sainte Christie d’Armagnac — and the thing that draws archaeologists, historians, and curious visitors alike — is the remarkable fortified complex known simply as Le Castet. This is not a pristine château dressed up for tourists, with a gift shop and an overpriced crêpe stand. It is something far more unusual and, in its own way, far more moving: a largely intact collection of medieval earthwork and building remains that speak directly to how people lived, defended themselves, and organised their world in the Middle Ages.

The most immediately striking feature is a magnificent circular earthen mound — a motte castrale — rising some ten metres above the surrounding terrain. This is almost certainly the seat of the original castle and village, a classic Norman-style motte on which a wooden then stone fortification would once have stood. Standing at its base, you feel the weight of centuries in a way that few grander monuments manage. There is something about a lump of well-organised earth that a thousand years of Gascon weather hasn’t managed to flatten that commands genuine respect.

One hundred and fifty metres away lies the site of a later, more substantial castle — a more refined medieval residence surrounded by deep moats whose silhouette you can still trace across the ground. You enter the compound through a doorway set into a wall of terre crue — raw, unfired earth mixed with flat bricks — and this is perhaps the most extraordinary detail of all. Earthen defensive walls of this kind survive exceptionally rarely, which makes perfect sense when you consider that earth plus eight centuries of rain is not, on paper, a recipe for architectural longevity. That these walls are still standing is a minor miracle, and Le Castet has been listed among France’s Historic Monuments accordingly.

Since 2020, a multi-disciplinary team of archaeologists, historians, and architectural specialists has been conducting a sustained programme of research at the site. An analysis of a land register dating from 1500 has been particularly revealing, upending earlier assumptions about the settlement’s medieval morphology and opening entirely new avenues of inquiry. The story of Sainte Christie d’Armagnac, it turns out, is still being written — which must be enormously gratifying to a village that has been here long enough to have seen several stories come and go.

The Church of Saint Peter

Sheltering close to the Castet, as if in the castle’s historical shadow, stands the Church of Saint Peter. Like so much in this village, the church carries the marks of time upon it — revised and rebuilt across the centuries, yet retaining something ancient at its core. It was almost certainly the chapel of the castle in its earliest incarnation, serving the lord and his household before becoming the parish church of the broader community.

The bell tower is particularly worth lingering over. Solidly square in its base, with the sturdy geometry of a building that is absolutely not going anywhere, it may well have served a dual purpose in its earlier life — functioning as a watchtower or place of refuge as much as a house of devotion. It is a reminder that in medieval Gascony, the line between the sacred and the strategic was often more of a blurry smudge. When you needed God and also an elevated vantage point from which to spot incoming trouble, why build two separate structures?

Pigeons, Dovecotes, and the Perks of Being Posh

One of the most charming features of the Castet complex is the manse — the old lord’s house or manor farm — which retains within it a dovecote. In medieval and early modern France, the right to keep pigeons was a privilege jealously guarded by the nobility. Dovecotes were not merely practical structures for producing food; they were visible statements of social rank, their size and elaborateness a direct index of the landowner’s importance. Imagine, if you will, the medieval equivalent of a very large and conspicuous car on the driveway.

To find one still incorporated into the fabric of the old manor at Sainte Christie d’Armagnac is to catch a small but telling glimpse of the social world that once animated this place — a world in which your pigeons said rather a lot about you, and in which the peasants who farmed your fields were not permitted their own pigeons, and were presumably not best pleased about it.

The Surrounding Armagnac Country

To visit Sainte Christie d’Armagnac without absorbing the wider landscape would be to miss half the point, and also to deprive yourself of some excellent drinking opportunities. The village sits in the heart of Bas-Armagnac, where the sandy soils and oceanic-influenced climate have, for centuries, nurtured the grape varieties that produce France’s oldest brandy. Armagnac — distilled once in a continuous still rather than Cognac’s double distillation — is an intensely local product, with a character that shifts from estate to estate and vintage to vintage. Think of it as Cognac’s more interesting, less commercially-minded sibling who stayed in the countryside and reads philosophy.

The surrounding countryside is dotted with small domaines and châteaux where travellers are welcomed for tastings and where the amber spirit is poured with a quiet pride that reflects Gascony’s deep attachment to its own traditions. The Côtes de Gascogne white wines — fresh, aromatic, and increasingly admired — come from the same vineyards and offer a lighter accompaniment to the region’s famously indulgent cuisine: foie gras, duck confit, magret grilled over vine cuttings, and the hearty cabbage-and-bean soup known as garbure, which is so warming and sustaining that it makes you understand exactly how people survived here through eight centuries of draughty medieval winters.

Nearby Nogaro, the main town of the area, offers practical amenities as well as the Paul Armagnac motor racing circuit — an incongruous but thoroughly beloved local institution, proof that the Gascon spirit includes a healthy appetite for noise and speed alongside its more contemplative pleasures.

Why This Village is Important

Villages like Sainte Christie d’Armagnac are becoming rarer, not because they are disappearing but because the forces of tourism development and heritage commodification have, thankfully, not yet found them. There are no souvenir shops here, no audio guides, no artfully reconstructed interiors with actors in period costume explaining the price of grain in 1347. What remains is the thing itself: a medieval landscape in a medieval setting, still partly mysterious, still being slowly understood, still quietly getting on with the long business of being ancient.

For the walker on the Chemin de Saint-Jacques, the village is a natural pause — a place to rest aching feet, raise the eyes from the path, and remember that the whole point of the journey is not only the destination. For the more deliberate visitor arriving by car from Nogaro or Auch, it offers something increasingly precious: a genuine encounter with the deep past of rural France, unmediated and unhurried, and with the possibility of excellent brandy nearby.

In a country that sometimes seems to have turned its history into a very well-managed product, Sainte Christie d’Armagnac remains stubbornly, warmly, beautifully itself. It will still be here long after the rest of us have gone. It’s rather good at that.

Sainte Christie d’Armagnac is located in the Gers département, approximately 5 km from Nogaro in south-west France. Guided visits to the Castet are available by reservation. The village lies on the GR65 pilgrim route to Santiago de Compostela.

More information

• saintechristiedarmagnac.fr — the village’s own official website, with news, heritage information, and details on visiting Le Castet
• armagnac-dartagnan.com — the local tourism board (Armagnac & d’Artagnan territory), with a dedicated page on the village and its heritage
• en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sainte-Christie-d’Armagnac — a solid general overview
• journals.openedition.org/pds/7906 — a peer-reviewed academic article examining the village through the lens of a 1500 land register; serious reading, but rewarding for anyone who wants to go deep
• Instagram and Facebook accounts: @sainte_christie_darmagnac, which are apparently kept well updated with local news and events.

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Visite à Sainte Christie d’Armagnac : Quand la Terre Elle-Même Raconte l’Histoire

Au cœur des collines ondulantes de Gascogne, l’un des villages médiévaux les plus remarquables du sud-ouest de la France se tient tranquillement sur un chemin de pèlerinage, largement méconnu du reste du monde — et d’autant plus merveilleux pour cela.

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Quelque part entre Nogaro et les contreforts pyrénéens, le paysage du département du Gers se déploie en longues ondulations paresseuses : des champs de tournesols et de maïs blanchis par le soleil, des vignobles lourds de la promesse de l’Armagnac, et des routes étroites qui serpentent entre les villages comme si elles répugnaient à arriver quelque part en particulier. C’est ici, à quelques kilomètres de Nogaro, que la petite commune de Sainte Christie d’Armagnac attend avec une patience qui semble presque géologique.

Le nom est occitan dans l’âme — Senta Crestia d’Armanhac — et le village lui-même est aussi gascon que possible : sans hâte, profondément enraciné, et discrètement extraordinaire. Avec une population qui peine à intéresser les recenseurs, c’est le genre d’endroit qui récompense la curiosité et punit la précipitation. Mais ceux qui prennent le temps de regarder vraiment se retrouvent au cœur de l’un des sites médiévaux les plus fascinants de tout le sud-ouest de la France.

Un Castelnau sur le Chemin des Pèlerins

Sainte Christie d’Armagnac serait née en tant que castelnau — un bourg médiéval planifié construit autour ou à proximité de la résidence fortifiée d’un seigneur, une forme courante d’urbanisme en Gascogne médiévale. Le toponyme lui-même dérive de sainte Christine, la sainte patronne du village, et les seigneurs locaux sont attestés dans des documents remontant au XIIIe siècle.

Ce qui rend la position du village particulièrement remarquable, c’est sa situation sur le GR65, le grand chemin de Saint-Jacques — le Chemin de Saint-Jacques-de-Compostelle — qui traverse la France en direction de la frontière espagnole et du sanctuaire de Santiago de Compostela en Galice. Pendant des siècles, des pèlerins ont traversé ce coin de Gascogne à pied, les yeux fixés sur l’horizon, leurs bottes usant les mêmes antiques chemins. Les marcheurs d’aujourd’hui, avec leurs bâtons de randonnée et leurs sacs ornés d’une coquille Saint-Jacques, ne sont que les derniers d’une procession qui remonte à mille ans, et le paysage du village a été façonné, en partie, par les besoins et le passage de ces voyageurs.

Le Castet : Terre, Brique et Temps Profond

Le joyau de Sainte Christie d’Armagnac — et ce qui attire les archéologues, les historiens et les visiteurs curieux — est le remarquable ensemble fortifié connu simplement sous le nom de Castet. Ce n’est pas un château impeccablement mis en scène pour les touristes. C’est quelque chose de bien plus insolite et, à sa façon, bien plus émouvant : un ensemble largement intact de terrassements et de vestiges médiévaux qui témoignent directement de la façon dont les gens vivaient, se défendaient et organisaient leur monde au Moyen Âge.

L’élément le plus saisissant est un magnifique tertre circulaire en terre — une motte castrale — s’élevant à environ dix mètres au-dessus du terrain environnant. C’est presque certainement le siège du château et du village d’origine, une motte de style normand classique sur laquelle s’élevait autrefois une fortification en bois, puis en pierre. Debout à son pied, on ressent le poids des siècles d’une façon que peu de monuments plus imposants parviennent à susciter.

À cent cinquante mètres de là se trouve le site d’un château ultérieur, plus important — une résidence médiévale plus élaborée entourée de douves profondes dont on peut encore tracer le contour dans le sol. On pénètre dans l’enceinte par un porche aménagé dans un mur de terre crue — de la terre brute non cuite mêlée de briques plates — et c’est peut-être là le détail le plus extraordinaire. Les murs défensifs en terre de ce type, relevant de la tradition architecturale régionale, ont survécu de façon exceptionnellement rare. Les murs du Castet lui ont valu une reconnaissance bien au-delà du Gers, classés parmi les Monuments Historiques de France et étudiés par des chercheurs des universités de Pau et de Toulouse.

Depuis 2020, une équipe pluridisciplinaire d’archéologues, d’historiens et de spécialistes de l’architecture mène un programme de recherche soutenu sur le site, dégageant une nouvelle compréhension de l’apparence et du fonctionnement de ce village à la fin du Moyen Âge. L’analyse d’un terrier datant de 1500 s’est révélée particulièrement éclairante, remettant en question des hypothèses antérieures sur la morphologie médiévale du bourg et ouvrant de toutes nouvelles pistes de recherche. L’histoire de Sainte-Christie d’Armagnac, il s’avère, est encore en train de s’écrire.

L’Église Saint-Pierre

À l’abri tout près du Castet, comme dans l’ombre historique du château, se dresse l’église Saint-Pierre. Comme tant de choses dans ce village, l’église porte en elle les marques du temps — remaniée et reconstruite au fil des siècles, tout en conservant quelque chose d’ancien dans son essence. Elle était presque certainement la chapelle du château à l’origine, au service du seigneur et de sa maisonnée, avant de devenir l’église paroissiale de la communauté au sens large.

Le clocher mérite une attention particulière. Solidement carré à sa base, avec la géométrie robuste d’une structure défensive, il a très bien pu avoir une double fonction dans sa première vie, servant de tour de guet ou de lieu de refuge autant que de maison de prière. C’est un rappel qu’en Gascogne médiévale, le sacré et le stratégique étaient rarement très éloignés l’un de l’autre.

Pigeons, Colombiers et Manoir

L’une des caractéristiques les plus charmantes de l’ensemble du Castet est le manse — l’ancienne maison seigneuriale ou ferme manoriale — qui renferme un colombier. Dans la France médiévale et du début de l’époque moderne, le droit d’élever des pigeons était un privilège jalousement gardé par la noblesse. Les colombiers n’étaient pas de simples structures pratiques destinées à produire de la nourriture ; ils étaient des marqueurs visibles du rang social, leur taille et leur élaboration reflétant directement le statut du propriétaire. Trouver un colombier encore intégré à la structure de l’ancien manoir de Sainte Christie d’Armagnac, c’est entrevoir un détail modeste mais révélateur du monde social qui animait jadis cet endroit.

Le Pays d’Armagnac Alentour

Visiter Sainte Christie d’Armagnac sans s’imprégner du paysage environnant serait passer à côté de la moitié de l’essentiel. Le village se trouve au cœur du Bas-Armagnac, où les sols sableux et le climat à influence océanique ont, depuis des siècles, nourri les cépages qui donnent le plus vieux brandy de France. L’Armagnac — distillé une seule fois dans un alambic continu plutôt que par la double distillation du Cognac — est un produit intensément local, variant de domaine en domaine et de millésime en millésime d’une façon qui récompense une exploration patiente.

La campagne environnante est parsemée de petits domaines et de châteaux où les voyageurs sont accueillis pour des dégustations, et où l’eau-de-vie ambrée est servie avec une fierté tranquille qui reflète l’attachement profond de la Gascogne à ses propres traditions. Les vins blancs des Côtes de Gascogne — frais, aromatiques et de plus en plus appréciés — sont produits depuis les mêmes vignobles, offrant un accompagnement plus léger à la cuisine notoirement généreuse de la région : foie gras, confit de canard, magret grillé sur des sarments de vigne, et le copieux potage au chou et aux haricots connu sous le nom de garbure.

Nogaro, la ville principale de la région, offre des commodités pratiques ainsi que le circuit de course automobile Paul Armagnac — une institution locale incongrue mais bien-aimée — et l’accès au Musée du Paysan Gascon, qui retrace l’histoire de la vie paysanne dans la région à travers une belle collection d’outils, d’objets domestiques et d’espaces reconstitués.

Mais Quelle Importance?

Les villages comme Sainte Christie d’Armagnac se font de plus en plus rares, non pas parce qu’ils disparaissent, mais parce que les forces du développement touristique et de la mise en patrimoine ne les ont pas encore atteints. Il n’y a pas de boutiques de souvenirs ici, pas d’audioguides, pas d’intérieurs astucieusement reconstitués. Ce qui demeure, c’est la chose elle-même : un paysage médiéval dans un cadre médiéval, encore partiellement mystérieux, encore en cours de compréhension, encore en train de s’occuper tranquillement d’être ancien.

Pour le marcheur sur le Chemin de Saint-Jacques, le village est une halte naturelle — un endroit pour reposer des pieds douloureux et lever les yeux du sentier. Pour le visiteur plus délibéré arrivant en voiture depuis Nogaro ou Auch, il offre quelque chose de plus en plus précieux : une rencontre authentique avec le passé profond de la France rurale, sans médiation et sans hâte.

Sainte Christie d’Armagnac reste obstinément, magnifiquement elle-même.

Sainte Christie d’Armagnac est située dans le département du Gers, à environ 5 km de Nogaro, dans le sud-ouest de la France. Des visites guidées du Castet sont disponibles sur réservation. Le village est situé sur le chemin de pèlerinage GR65 vers Saint-Jacques-de-Compostelle.

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As you may know, I spend part of my time hosting Camino de Santiago walking and writing retreats, and another part happily scribbling away with the Wordweavers in the southwest of France writing group, At one of our meetings—daringly scheduled on Friday the 13th of February 2026—I shared the little story that follows.

This is part 2 of the story of a doctor who spent years teaching other people how to breathe… and only much later discovered that she herself had forgotten how. Dr. Anna Vermeer was a competent, respected, thoroughly overworked physician who could diagnose stress in her patients within minutes and prescribe sensible solutions with great confidence. Every day people arrived in her office with tight chests, racing thoughts, insomnia, and the quiet sense that life had become a little too much.

Anna listened carefully, reassured them, and encouraged them to slow down.

Meanwhile, she ran through her own life at a pace that suggested the building might catch fire at any moment. She believed this was normal. Responsible people carried heavy loads. Dedicated professionals stayed busy. Doctors, after all, were supposed to take care of everyone else.

Part 2

The patient arrived late in the afternoon, during that strange hour when the pace at the clinic felt slow and suffocating. You could literally sense it in the air. The receptionist’s cheerful voice had dropped half a tone. The coffee machine had been used so often it now sounded faintly resentful. Even the fluorescent lights seemed to hum with a sort of bureaucratic fatigue.

Anna glanced at the chart. Michael Laurent. Age 42. Chest tightness. Shortness of breath. Another stress case, most likely. Or a heart attack preparing to happen. She stepped into the waiting room and called his name.

Michael stood up too quickly, knocking his knee against the chair with a dull thud. He looked like a man who had been running — not physically, but internally — for quite some time. His eyes were slightly too wide, his shoulders crunched up somewhere near his ears.

Anna had seen this many times. The posture of a nervous system on high alert.

They sat in the stuffy, overheated consultation room. “So,” Anna said gently. “Tell me what’s been happening.” Michael rubbed his chest. “It feels like… I can’t quite get a full breath,” he said. “Like something is pressing here.” He tapped the centre of his sternum. Anna nodded, already assembling the familiar mental checklist. Stress. Overwork. Anxiety. Too much caffeine. Not enough sleep.

The physical exam was reassuring. Heart rate a little fast, but steady. Lungs clear. Blood pressure slightly elevated but not alarming. Nothing dangerous. No impending heart attack. Anna sat back in her chair. “I think what you’re experiencing is stress,” she said calmly. Michael gave a small, helpless laugh. “That’s what my wife says.” Wives, Anna reflected privately, were often excellent diagnosticians.

She reached for the smooth river stones on her desk and slid one toward him. “Let’s try something simple,” she said. “Just a breathing exercise.” Michael looked sceptical, but he picked up the stone. It rested in his palm, cool and reassuring, like something that had been quietly patient for thousands of years. “Close your eyes if you like,” Anna said. Michael obeyed. “Now breathe in slowly through your nose, for four counts.” He inhaled, shoulders rising. “Hold it for four counts.” The room grew quiet. Outside in the corridor, someone laughed, the sound strident before fading away. “And now breathe out slowly. For four counts.” Michael exhaled, and his shoulders dropped a fraction.

Anna watched him, calm and professional. She had guided hundreds of patients through this exact exercise — slow the breath, calm the nervous system, remind the body it was safe. Simple. Routine.

Except that something strange happened next.

In the quiet of the room, as Michael inhaled again, Anna suddenly became aware of her own breathing. Or rather — of the lack of it. Her chest felt tight. Not painful. Just constrained, like a door that should open fully but only moved halfway. She tried to take a deeper breath. The air stopped somewhere in the upper part of her lungs.

That was odd. She tried again, discreetly this time. Inhale. Halfway. Stop. A small flicker of irritation creased her forehead. Perhaps she was sitting awkwardly. She straightened her back slightly. Michael exhaled again, longer this time. Anna attempted another deep breath. No better. Too shallow. Her lungs seemed to have developed an unexpected opinion about the situation.

Michael opened his eyes. “That actually helps a little,” he said. “Good,” Anna replied automatically.

But something had shifted. Her attention had turned inward. She inhaled again, quietly. No better. The realisation crept in slowly, like a draft under a door. She could not remember the last time she had taken a truly deep breath — not a polite, functional breath, but a real one. The kind that fills the lungs completely, expands the ribs, and settles somewhere deep in the belly. She tried again. Inhale. Block. It felt as though an invisible belt had been tightened around her chest.

Michael was breathing more easily now. His shoulders had dropped, and the small panic in his eyes had softened. Meanwhile, Anna felt a strange ripple of unease. This was absurd. She was the calm one. The expert. She guided people out of stress every day. And yet here she was, sitting perfectly still in her own consulting room, unable to take a full breath.

Michael set the stone back on the desk. “That’s strange,” he said thoughtfully. “When I focus on breathing, I realise how tense I’ve been all day.” Anna almost laughed. All day. What a charmingly optimistic time frame. Her own tension had been running a far longer marathon. “Yes,” she said quietly. “That happens.”

But now the realisation had begun spreading through her awareness like ink in water — the tightness in her shoulders, the constant forward lean of her posture, the way her mind never stopped moving from patient to patient, problem to problem, responsibility to responsibility.

Even now, part of her brain was already thinking about the next appointment. And the next. And the charts waiting on her desk.

Michael stood to leave. “Thank you, doctor,” he said. “I feel a bit calmer.” “I’m glad,” Anna said. She walked him to the door, her professional composure intact. But when the door closed behind him, the room felt unusually quiet. Anna sat back down slowly. The late afternoon sun had shifted, casting long amber bars of light across the floor. Dust particles floated lazily in the beam like tiny planets.

For a moment, time seemed to freeze — no phones ringing, no voices in the hallway, just silence.

Anna placed both hands flat on the desk and tried the breathing exercise again. Slow inhale. The air stopped halfway down. She exhaled slowly. Something uneasy stirred in her chest — not panic exactly, but recognition. A thought arrived, calm and unmistakable: you’ve been holding your breath for years. Anna sat very still. Outside, somewhere down the corridor, the coffee machine sputtered into life again. Another patient was probably waiting.

But for the first time in a very long time, Anna did not move immediately.

Instead, she remained there in the quiet consultation room, wondering when exactly she had forgotten how to breathe.

Part 3

Unique Camino de Santiago Walking Retreats

Understanding Self-Abandonment as a Nervous System Response, and how to Stop the Cycle for Good

People-pleasing is a survival response, not a character flaw, and what it takes to rewire this response.

What this is: A deep, science-informed look at why so many capable, intelligent people spend decades minimising their needs, suppressing their feelings, and contorting themselves to keep the peace, and what’s actually happening to your nervous system when you do it.

What this isn’t: A lecture about self-love, a cheerful “put yourself first!” pep talk, or yet another article telling you to take more bubble baths. We’re going deeper than that. It might hurt.

Read this if: You’re navigating a major life change (divorce, illness, loss, retirement, reinvention), you’ve noticed you’re always the one accommodating, and you’re quietly wondering whether there are other possible ways to respond.

5 Key Takeaways

6. Self-abandonment is a survival strategy, not a personality flaw. It developed when connecting felt conditional, and your nervous system did what nervous systems do: it adapted.
7. Fawning, freezing, and people-pleasing are nervous system responses, not choices. Understanding this shifts the conversation from self-blame to self-compassion, which is the only place real change happens.
8. Major life transitions are the most powerful moments to interrupt the pattern. When old structures collapse, old survival strategies become visible, and visible things can be changed.
9. The goal isn’t to become selfish; it’s to become a reliable internal source of safety. When you stop sourcing safety entirely from external approval, your relationships actually improve.
10. Healing is not a solo sport, but it does require solitude. Community, movement, nature, and honest reflection are not luxuries. They are the conditions under which nervous systems genuinely change.

Introduction: The Art of Making Yourself Very, Very Small

You know the moment. Someone asks what you’d like for dinner, and you say, “I don’t mind, whatever everyone else wants”, even though you are absolutely, categorically minding. Someone steamrolls your idea in a meeting and you hear yourself saying “no, no, that makes total sense” even as something in your chest quietly deflates. Someone behaves badly, and you spend the next three days wondering what you did wrong.

This is self-abandonment. And if you’re here, reading this, it’s likely not new information.

What might be new, though, is this: it has nothing to do with being weak, unassertive, or insufficiently self-aware. It has everything to do with your nervous system doing exactly what it was trained to do, prioritise connection over authenticity, because at some point in your history, connection felt like survival.

This article is for people who are navigating major life change and who are starting to notice, perhaps for the first time, just how much of themselves they’ve been quietly editing out. You’re not broken. You’re not beyond help. You’re actually, inconveniently, at the most powerful possible moment to do something about it.

By the time you finish reading, you’ll understand what’s actually happening physiologically when you disappear into someone else’s needs, why life transitions crack open this pattern in particular, and what the first concrete steps toward changing it look like, not in theory, but in practice.

What Does Self-Abandonment Actually Look Like in Real Life?

Sophie Brennan’s Story

The morning Sophie Brennan’s solicitor called to say the divorce was finalised, she made a pot of tea she didn’t drink, sat down at the kitchen table, and waited to feel something.

Nothing came. Just the distant hum of the refrigerator and the faint smell of someone else’s life, seventeen years of it, still pressed into the walls of the house she’d agreed to sell.

She’d always been, as people liked to say, “so good in a crisis.” Steady. Capable. The one who kept things moving. Through the years of her husband’s career upheavals, the children’s various adolescent catastrophes, her mother’s long illness, Sophie had been the hub around which everything else turned. She prided herself on it, the way some people pride themselves on being able to parallel park in one go.

What she hadn’t noticed, because you rarely notice the water you swim in, was that she’d spent seventeen years, possibly longer, doing something very specific: she’d been making herself easier to love by making herself harder to see.

The habit had started early. Growing up in a house where emotional weather could change without warning, where her father’s approval came and went like Irish sunshine, Sophie had learned to read the room before she entered it. To adjust. To smooth. To become, as necessary, whatever version of herself created the least friction. She’d been good at it. She still was.

At 51, she was also exhausted in a way that sleep didn’t fix.

It was her GP, a woman of carefully calibrated patience, who first used the word. Not diagnosis, nothing so dramatic. Just a gentle observation across a desk cluttered with coffee cups and patient files: “Sophie, I wonder if you’ve spent so long managing everyone else’s needs that you’ve lost track of your own.”

Sophie had nodded politely, driven home, cried for forty minutes in the car park of a Tesco Extra, and then gone in to buy milk she didn’t need because doing something practical felt safer than sitting with the feeling.

That was the first crack.

The second came six months later, on a dusty trail in the south of France. She’d signed up for a walking retreat on something between impulse and desperation, the kind of decision you make at 2am when you’ve read the same paragraph four times and realised you haven’t the faintest idea what it said. Something about the Camino. Something about finding your next chapter. Something about storytelling and horses, which had made no logical sense but had felt, in the way that things sometimes feel before your rational mind can veto them, like exactly right.

The morning of the first walk, the air smelled of wild thyme and something she couldn’t name, something green and old and unhurried. Her boots were too new and slightly rubbing. The group was small, three women at various stages of various upheavals, and the guide, Dr. Margaretha Montagu, had said something so casually devastating as she dropped them off that Sophie had to stop walking to absorb it.

“Your nervous system,” Margaretha had said, gesturing at nothing in particular, or perhaps at everything, “learned to prioritise connection over reality. That wasn’t weakness. That was intelligence. The question now is: what does intelligence look like, from here?”

Sophie had looked at the dusty path ahead, at the oak trees throwing long shadows in the early light, and felt something move in her chest. Not a big, cinematic feeling. Something quieter. Like a door that had been stuck for years, shifting just slightly in its frame.

During the rest of the retreat, walking several hours each morning, gathering in the evenings for what Margaretha called “storytelling circles” sometimes with the Friesian horses standing nearby in the warm dusk like large, opinionated therapists, Sophie began to do something she hadn’t done in decades: she began to notice what she actually wanted.

Not what would be easiest. Not what would cause the least disruption. What she, Sophie Brennan, specifically wanted.

It was terrifying, and then it was funny, and then it was the most natural thing in the world. By day four, she’d told the group about her father. By day five, she’d laughed until she cried about something genuinely absurd, and realised she couldn’t remember the last time she’d laughed like that, without first checking whether it was appropriate. By day seven, walking into the village in the late afternoon heat, boots finally broken in and a blister she’d stopped apologising for, she felt, for the first time in as long as she could recall, like herself.

Not a version of herself edited for palatability. Just, herself.

The takeaway, if there is one, is not that a week in France fixes thirty years of nervous system patterning. It doesn’t. What it does, what the combination of movement and nature and honest community and skilled guidance does, is create the conditions under which you can finally hear the question you’ve been drowning out: who are you when there’s no one left to perform for?

Why Does Self-Abandonment Persist, and Why Does It Matter Beyond You?

What Is Actually Happening in Your Nervous System?

Self-abandonment isn’t a mindset problem you can fix with a good affirmation and a planner. It is a nervous system pattern, meaning it operates below the level of conscious choice. When connection has felt unpredictable or conditional, the brain’s threat-detection system, specifically the amygdala and its complex interaction with the vagal nerve, learns to treat relational tension as genuine danger.

In this state, the fawn response, a term coined by trauma therapist Pete Walker to describe the people-pleasing survival strategy, kicks in automatically. You shrink, accommodate, defer, smooth, explain yourself unnecessarily, apologise for having needs, and monitor other people’s emotional states like a satellite dish pointed permanently outward. All of this happens fast, faster than thought.

The cruel irony is that it works, in the short term. Tension dissolves. The other person seems pleased. Your nervous system gets its hit of safety. And so the pattern is reinforced, again and again, until it becomes the default operating system for every relationship you enter.

The longer-term cost is significant. Research (see below) consistently links chronic self-suppression with elevated cortisol, immune dysregulation, anxiety, depression, and a particularly corrosive form of exhaustion that isn’t about sleep deprivation at all. It’s the exhaustion of spending decades being someone else.

Why Major Life Transitions Are Both the Trigger and the Opportunity

Divorce, serious illness, bereavement, career collapse, children leaving home: these aren’t just stressful events. They are structural changes. They remove the scaffolding around which self-abandonment has been quietly organised for years.

When the marriage ends, you are no longer someone’s partner. When the children leave, you are no longer primarily someone’s parent. When the career shifts, the role that came with it, and all the performing-for-approval that role required, disappears too.

This is disorienting. It is also, if you can tolerate the disorientation long enough to look around, an extraordinary opportunity. Because for perhaps the first time in decades, the question of who you actually are, stripped of every performance, every role, every carefully maintained version of yourself, is genuinely open.

As someone who has spent twenty years as a physician working with stress and life change, and nearly fifteen years guiding people through transformational retreats on the Camino, Dr. Margaretha Montagu has watched this moment arrive for hundreds of people. “The transition is painful,” she says. “It’s also, without exception, the most alive people have felt in years. That aliveness is not a coincidence. It’s information.”

The Ripple Effect: Why Your Healing Matters Beyond You

Here is something that doesn’t get said enough: when you stop self-abandoning, the people around you change too.

Not because you’ve “fixed” them, but because the dynamic shifts. When you stop offering bottomless accommodation, relationships have to find a more honest equilibrium. Some of those relationships will flourish. Some won’t survive, which is painful and also, eventually, a relief.

More profoundly: the people who have been unconsciously absorbing your resentment, your exhaustion, your muted frustration, will be affected by its absence. Children of self-abandoning parents often carry an ambient guilt they can’t quite name. Partners often sense, even if they can’t articulate it, that something is being withheld. Friends notice when you become, suddenly and inexplicably, more fully present.

Communities, too, benefit. Women who have reclaimed their own authority, who speak with the confidence of someone who’s stopped editing themselves for palatability, bring a particular quality to their professional lives, their creative work, their civic engagement. It is not a small thing. Authenticity at the individual level has collective consequences.

What Are the 5 Most Common Mistakes When Trying to Break the Cycle?

Mistake 1: Treating it as a Mindset Problem

Repeating “I am allowed to have needs” into a mirror will not rewire a nervous system. Self-abandonment is a body-based, relational pattern. It needs body-based, relational interventions: movement, breath, regulation practices, safe connection. Insight helps. Insight alone is not enough.

Mistake 2: Going to War With the Pattern

Shame and self-criticism are themselves nervous system activators. If you spend your energy being furious with yourself for people-pleasing, you add another layer of threat to an already overloaded system. The work is curious observation, not attack.

Mistake 3: Overcorrecting Into Aggression

The pendulum move from endless accommodation to harsh, blunt “I’m just being honest now” boundary-setting is common and understandable, and it’s still a nervous system response, just a different one. The goal is not to become the person who never accommodates. It’s to become the person who chooses when and why they do.

Mistake 4: Doing It Alone

Self-abandonment developed in relationship. It heals in relationship. The idea that you can fully rewire attachment patterns through solo journaling and meditation, while both are useful, misunderstands the nature of the work. You need safe witnesses. Honest community. People with whom you can practice being seen.

Mistake 5: Waiting Until You Feel Ready

Readiness is a feeling the nervous system promises and never fully delivers. The people who change are, by and large, not the people who felt ready. They’re the people who went anyway, uncomfortable, uncertain, and a little terrified, and discovered that the discomfort was manageable after all.

A Short Intention-Setting Exercise: The Three Questions

Find somewhere quiet. Sit for a moment without an agenda. Then ask yourself, slowly and without rushing to answer:

What have I been pretending not to mind? (Not in a dramatic sense. Just: what have I been quietly absorbing that I’d rather not?)

What would I do or say today if I trusted that the important connections in my life could survive my honesty?

What is one small act of self-fidelity I can commit to in the next 24 hours? Not a grand gesture. Something real and doable. Saying no to one thing. Saying yes to one thing you actually want.

Write your answers down. Read them back. Notice what feels true versus what feels performed, even in private.

Further Reading: Five Books Worth Your Time on This Subject

1. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker

Walker is the therapist who coined the term ‘fawn response,’ and this book is the clearest, most compassionate account of how people-pleasing develops as a trauma response that exists. Practical, honest, and quietly revolutionary.

2. Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

An accessible and evidence-based guide to attachment styles and how they shape adult relationships. Particularly useful if you’re trying to understand your own relational patterns in the context of a major life change like divorce.

3. The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk

Essential reading for understanding why self-abandonment can’t be resolved by thinking alone. Van der Kolk’s exploration of how trauma lives in the body is the scientific foundation for any serious approach to nervous system change.

4. Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Tawwab

Nedra Tawwab is a therapist who writes about boundaries with unusual clarity and zero drama. This book is practical, warm, and devoid of the preachy self-help tone that makes so many books in this genre unreadable. Chosen because it bridges the gap between insight and actual application.

5. Women Who Run With the Wolves by Clarissa Pinkola Estes

A different kind of book, mythic, psychological, and deeply female in its orientation. Estes writes about the recovery of the instinctual self with the kind of depth and imagery that the rational brain can’t quite reach. Best read slowly, outdoors if possible.

PS: If you’re looking for a practical, daily companion for this work, my book Embracing Change, in 10 Minutes a Day offers exactly what the title promises: grounded, doable micro-practices for navigating life transitions without losing yourself in them. It reads less like a self-help book and more like a thoughtful conversation with someone who genuinely understands.

A Note on the Purpose Pivot Protocol

The storytelling circle Sophie attended on retreat was working through my Purpose Pivot Protocol, an online course designed specifically for people at major life crossroads who are ready to move from managing change to actively choosing what comes next. It’s available at . Worth exploring if the idea of structured, supported transition work appeals to you, particularly between retreats.

FAQs: What People Are Actually Asking About Self-abandonment Right Now

Is self-abandonment the same as codependency?

They overlap, but they’re not identical. Codependency typically refers to a specific relationship dynamic in which your sense of self becomes enmeshed with someone else’s wellbeing. Self-abandonment is the broader nervous system pattern underneath: the habitual erasure of your own needs, preferences, and emotions in the service of maintaining connection. You can self-abandon in relationships that aren’t classically codependent, in friendships, workplaces, or even in how you relate to your own inner life.

Can you actually change attachment patterns as an adult?

Yes, and the evidence for this is now fairly robust. The concept is called ‘earned secure attachment,’ and it describes the process by which people with insecure attachment histories develop more secure relational patterns through consistent, corrective relational experiences. This can happen in therapy, in close friendships, in certain kinds of community settings, and yes, in immersive retreat experiences where safety, honesty, and sustained reflection are part of the design.

Why does self-abandonment get worse during major life changes?

Because the structures that made it manageable have gone. The role of spouse, parent, or senior professional came with implicit instructions about who to be. When those roles dissolve, the underlying pattern becomes exposed and often intensified, as the nervous system redoubles its efforts to find safety through familiar means. This is why transitions feel so destabilising even for people who, on paper, chose them.

What’s the difference between being kind and self-abandoning?

Genuine kindness is a choice made from a place of relative internal security. Self-abandonment is an automatic response driven by anxiety about connection. The practical test: when you accommodate someone, do you feel freely generous, or do you feel the quiet pressure of having no real alternative? Kindness expands you. Self-abandonment, over time, contracts you.

Do I need therapy, or can I work on this myself?

Therapy, particularly somatic approaches, EMDR, or attachment-focused modalities, can be enormously valuable here. That said, therapy is not the only path. Honest community, skilled coaching, movement-based practices, and immersive experiences that provide both challenge and safety can all create meaningful nervous system change. For many people, the most powerful shifts happen not in a therapy room but in a context that combines physical experience, honest reflection, and genuine connection, which is, not coincidentally, exactly what a well-designed walking retreat provides.

Conclusion: The Person You’ve Been Protecting Them From Is You

The most quietly devastating thing about self-abandonment is not the exhaustion, though there is plenty of that. It’s not even the resentment, which has a way of building behind a pleasant facade like water behind a dam. It’s the slow, steady erosion of your own company. The way you can spend forty, fifty, sixty years on this earth and realise, somewhere in the middle of a life change that nobody asked for, that you’ve never quite introduced yourself, properly, to yourself.

The transition you’re in right now, however unwelcome it felt at the start, is handing you something unusual: the unstructured, raw, slightly terrifying gift of an open question. Who are you, when the old roles have dissolved and the approval you’ve been managing for is no longer available to manage?

That question has an answer. It just needs space, honesty, and the right conditions to emerge.

“You did not abandon yourself in one dramatic moment. You did it in a thousand small accommodations, each one reasonable, each one kind, each one a vote cast, very quietly, for connection over truth. The next chapter is not about learning to be selfish. It’s about learning to be faithful, to the person who has been waiting, quite patiently, to be allowed into the room. Dr. Margaretha Montagu

Ready for a Different Kind of Next Chapter?

You’ve spent long enough making yourself comfortable to be around. The 7-Day Crossroads Camino de Santiago Retreat in the sun-drenched south-west of France is designed for exactly where you are right now: at the crossroads between who you’ve been and who you’re becoming. Walk the ancient Camino trails each morning, let the rhythm of your boots on old earth do what weeks of thinking cannot. Gather in the evenings for storytelling circles alongside Dr. Montagu’s magnificent Friesian horses, because some truths arrive more easily in the presence of creatures who have absolutely no interest in who you used to be. Come as you are. Leave as yourself. Find out more and reserve your place.

Reflection question: If you could send a voice message to the version of yourself who first learned that making yourself smaller kept people closer, what would you want her to know?

References

• Fawning: Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Azure Coyote Publishing. (Primary source for fawn response conceptualisation in trauma literature.)
• Attachment: Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2007). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change. Guilford Press. (Comprehensive review of adult attachment theory, including insecure attachment and hypervigilance to relational cues.)
• Self-suppression and health: Gross, J. J., & John, O. P. (2003). Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: implications for affect, relationships, and well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85(2), 348,362.
• Earned secure attachment: Roisman, G. I., Padrón, E., Sroufe, L. A., & Egeland, B. (2002). Earned-secure attachment status in retrospect and prospect. Child Development, 73(4), 1204,1219. (Key evidence for plasticity in attachment representations across the lifespan.)
• Fawning and the polyvagal system: Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company. (Foundational text on the vagal nerve’s role in social engagement and threat response.)