Act Like the Person You Want to Become

Stop being yourself.

I know that sounds like terrible advice in a world obsessed with “authenticity” and “being true to yourself.” But here’s the uncomfortable truth: the “self” you’re being authentic to might be exactly what’s keeping you stuck.

Think about it. If being yourself was working, you wouldn’t be reading articles about how to change your life. You wouldn’t be dreaming about becoming someone different, someone better, someone who has their act together in ways you currently don’t.

The problem isn’t that you need to accept who you are. The problem is that who you are right now isn’t who you want to be.

The Tale of Two Actors

Let me tell you about Sarah and Marcus, two actors auditioning for the same role—a confident, charismatic business leader in a major film. Both were naturally introverted, both desperately wanted the part.

Sarah took the “fake it till you make it” approach. She studied confident people on YouTube, practised power poses in the mirror, and memorised lines about leadership. In the audition room, she spoke louder, stood straighter, and delivered every line with practised authority. It felt performative because it was performative.

Marcus took a different route. Instead of mimicking confidence, he spent weeks studying what confidence actually meant. He read about decision-making, learned about the industries his character worked in, and most importantly, he started making small, confident decisions in his own life. He chose restaurants instead of saying “I don’t care.” He voiced his opinions in conversations instead of staying silent. He wasn’t pretending to be confident—he was building confidence.

Sarah’s audition was technically perfect, but felt hollow. Marcus’s audition felt real, lived-in, and authentic to the character. Guess who got the part?

The difference wasn’t talent. It was the approach. Sarah was performing confidence. Marcus was becoming confident.

Why “Fake It Till You Make It” Falls Short

We’ve all heard “fake it till you make it,” and honestly, it’s some of the worst advice ever popularised. Here’s why it backfires:

It’s exhausting. When you’re performing a version of yourself, you’re constantly “on.” Like wearing a mask that never quite fits right, you’re always aware that you’re not being genuine. Eventually, you burn out from the performance.

It lacks depth. Remember Sarah? She could deliver confident lines, but she couldn’t think like a confident person. When the director asked her to improvise, she crumbled because her confidence was all surface-level.

It breeds impostor syndrome. The more you fake something, the more you reinforce the belief that you’re not actually that thing. You’re just someone pretending to be that thing, which makes you feel like a fraud.

I once worked with a junior executive who copied everything his successful CEO did. He bought the same style of suits, used the same phrases in meetings, even ordered the same coffee. But when it came time for strategic thinking or difficult decisions, he was lost. He’d learned to look the part but not to think the part.

Compare that to “acting like the person you want to become.” This isn’t about pretence—it’s about practice. It’s about trying on new behaviours not to fool others, but to build new neural pathways in yourself.

The Science of Becoming

Here’s something fascinating: your identity isn’t fixed. It’s not this sacred, unchangeable core that you need to protect and “be true to.” Your identity is actually quite malleable, and it’s largely shaped by your actions.

Every time you act in a certain way, you’re casting a vote for the type of person you are. Do something kind, and you see yourself as a little kinder. Make a disciplined choice, and you see yourself as a little more disciplined. Your brain keeps score, and over time, these votes add up to your sense of self.

Take Jamie, who decided she wanted to become a runner. She was completely sedentary, couldn’t run a full block without wheezing. But instead of waiting until she “felt like a runner,” she started calling herself a runner after her second week of training. Not because she was fast or could run far, but because she was someone who ran.

This wasn’t delusion—it was strategic identity formation. By claiming the identity early, she started making decisions like a runner would. Runners prioritise sleep for recovery, so she started going to bed earlier. Runners fuel their bodies well, so she started paying attention to nutrition. Runners show up consistently, so she ran even when she didn’t feel like it.

Six months later, she completed her first 5K. But here’s the key: she’d been thinking like a runner for months before she could perform like one.

The Three Pillars of Authentic Acting

Pillar 1: Values Alignment

This is where you dig deep and ask: what does my desired identity actually value?

Meet David, a workaholic lawyer who desperately wanted to be a present father. His first instinct was to just schedule more family time—fake it till you make it, right? Block out Saturday mornings for his kids and hope the feeling will follow.

But that’s not how it worked. Saturday mornings became another obligation, another item on his to-do list. He was physically present but mentally still at the office.

So David tried a different approach. He asked himself: what does a present father actually value? The answer wasn’t time—it was connection. A present father values understanding his children, being emotionally available, and creating memories rather than achievements.

Once he identified the values, the actions became clear. Instead of scheduling generic “family time,” he started asking his kids about their day and actually listening to the answers. He put his phone in another room during dinner. He chose to miss some work calls to attend school events, not because he had to, but because that’s what someone who values connection would do.

The shift was remarkable. His kids started seeking him out for conversations. His wife noticed he seemed more relaxed. David wasn’t pretending to be a present father—he was developing the values of one.

Pillar 2: Skill Building Through Character

Here’s where it gets interesting. Instead of building skills and hoping they change who you are, you start with who you want to be and let that guide what skills you develop.

Maria was a brilliant software engineer who dreamed of leading a team, but she was painfully introverted. Traditional advice would tell her to work on her public speaking skills, take leadership courses, maybe join Toastmasters.

Instead, Maria asked herself: what kind of leader do I want to be? Her answer surprised her. She didn’t want to be the charismatic, rah-rah type of leader. She wanted to be the kind of leader who developed people, who saw potential in others, who led through quiet confidence and deep expertise.

This realisation changed everything. Instead of forcing herself to become an extrovert, she started developing her unique leadership style. She became exceptional at one-on-one mentoring. She learned to ask powerful questions instead of giving inspiring speeches. She practised giving clear, thoughtful feedback.

When a team lead position opened up, Maria didn’t get it because she’d learned to fake extroversion. She got it because she’d developed into the kind of leader her company actually needed—someone who could develop talent and make thoughtful decisions.

Pillar 3: Progressive Identity Expansion

This is the most crucial pillar, and it’s where most people mess up. They try to jump from their current identity to their desired identity overnight. It doesn’t work.

Alex worked as an accountant but dreamed of being a full-time artist. His first attempt was classic fake-it-till-you-make-it: he quit his job, rented a studio, and declared himself an artist. Within six months, he was broke and back at his old firm, more convinced than ever that he “wasn’t creative enough” to make it as an artist.

The second time, Alex took a different approach. Instead of jumping from “accountant” to “artist,” he expanded his identity gradually:

Phase 1: “I’m an accountant who makes art.” He kept his day job but started painting every evening. He sold a few pieces to coworkers, entered some local shows. This wasn’t his main identity, but it was part of who he was.

Phase 2: “I’m an artist who does accounting.” As his art sales grew, his primary identity shifted. He still had the accounting job, but now it was what funded his real work. He started introducing himself as an artist first.

Phase 3: “I’m an artist.” Only after building up his skills, client base, and confidence did Alex make the full transition. But here’s the key: by the time he quit accounting, he wasn’t trying to become an artist—he already was one.

Each phase required different actions, different decisions, and different ways of spending time and money. But because the identity shifted gradually, the actions felt natural rather than forced.

The Pitfalls That Trip Everyone Up

The Perfectionism Trap

Jessica wanted to be the kind of person who had an organised, beautiful home. So she waited. She waited until she had enough money to hire an organiser. She waited until she moved to a better apartment. She waited until she had time for a complete overhaul.

Meanwhile, she lived in chaos and reinforced her identity as someone who “wasn’t organised.”

The shift happened when Jessica realised that organised people don’t wait for perfect conditions—they organise what they have, where they are. She started with her desk drawer. Then her nightstand. Then her closet. Small actions, but each one was a vote for “I am someone who values organisation.”

The All-or-Nothing Mistake

Tom decided he wanted to be a healthy person, so he overhauled everything at once. New diet, gym membership, meditation app, the works. For two weeks, he was the healthiest person alive. Then life got busy, he missed a few workouts, ate some pizza, and decided he’d “failed.” Back to square one.

The sustainable approach? Pick one healthy behaviour and make it so easy you can’t fail. Tom’s restart: drink one extra glass of water per day. That’s it. Once that became automatic, he added a 10-minute walk. Then, some vegetables with dinner. Each small success built his identity as someone who takes care of their health.

The External Validation Problem

This is the big one. Rachel wanted to be seen as successful, so she started making decisions based on what looked impressive rather than what aligned with her values. She took a high-profile job she hated, bought a car she couldn’t afford, and posted constantly on social media about her “amazing life.”

But here’s the problem: when your identity depends on other people’s recognition, you’re not becoming the person you want to be—you’re becoming who you think other people want you to be. And that’s just another form of performance.

The solution? Internal scorecards over external ones. Rachel had to get clear on what success meant to her, not to her LinkedIn network.

Your Identity Bridge: A Practical Framework

Ready to put this into practice? Here’s your simple, three-question framework:

1. Who do I want to become? Be specific. Not “successful” but “someone who builds meaningful relationships and contributes valuable work.” Not “confident” but “someone who speaks up for their values and takes calculated risks.”
2. What would that person do today? Not tomorrow, not when conditions are perfect, but today. If you want to be someone who values learning, what would that person do today? Maybe read for 15 minutes instead of scrolling social media.
3. What’s the smallest version of that action I can take right now? Don’t aim for perfection. Aim for progress. Can’t read for 15 minutes? Read for 5. Can’t run a mile? Walk around the block.

The magic happens in the consistency of small actions, not the perfection of big gestures.

The Full Circle

Remember Maria, the introverted software engineer who wanted to lead? I ran into her recently at a conference. She’s now a director of engineering at a major tech company, known for developing some of the industry’s top talent.

But here’s what struck me: she’s still “acting like the person she wants to become.” Because growth never stops. Now she’s working on becoming the kind of leader who can influence company culture, who can make strategic decisions that affect thousands of employees.

She’s not pretending to be that person yet—she’s building toward it. Taking courses in organisational psychology. Seeking mentorship from executives she admires. Making small decisions daily that align with who she’s becoming.

That’s the beautiful thing about this approach. You’re never “done” becoming. You’re always consciously evolving, always bridging the gap between who you are and who you want to be.

The alternative—staying true to your current self—isn’t authenticity. It’s stagnation.

So stop being yourself, at least the version of yourself that isn’t working. Start acting like the person you want to become. Not as a performance for others, but as a practice for yourself.

5 Key Takeaways

1. Identity is malleable, not fixed. Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you are. You can consciously cast different votes and gradually shift your identity in the direction you want to go.
2. Values before behaviours. Don’t just copy what successful people do—understand what they value. When your actions align with your desired values, the behaviours feel authentic rather than forced.
3. Progressive expansion beats dramatic transformation. Instead of jumping from your current identity to your dream identity, expand gradually through phases. This makes the transition sustainable and genuine.
4. Small, consistent actions compound into identity shifts. You don’t need perfect conditions or grand gestures. Focus on the smallest possible action you can take today that aligns with who you want to become.
5. Internal scorecard trumps external validation. Base your identity development on your own values and vision, not on what looks impressive to others. Authentic transformation comes from within, not from performance for external audiences.

5 Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Isn’t this just another form of “fake it till you make it”?

A: No, because the focus is completely different. “Fake it till you make it” is about performing behaviours to fool others until you hopefully develop the underlying capability. “Act like who you want to become” is about aligning your actions with your desired identity to build genuine capability and self-concept. One is external performance, the other is internal development.

Q: How do I know if I’m being authentic or just pretending?

A: Ask yourself: Are these actions aligned with values I genuinely want to develop, or am I just trying to impress others? Authentic identity development feels like growth and learning, even when it’s uncomfortable. Pretending feels exhausting and hollow. Also, authentic development focuses on building capability, not just appearances.

Q: What if I don’t know who I want to become?

A: Start with who you don’t want to be. What behaviours, values, or characteristics do you want to move away from? Then ask: what would the opposite look like? You can also look at people you admire and identify what specifically you admire about them. Finally, consider your regrets—they often point toward values you wish you were living.

Q: How long does it take to see real change?

A: You’ll see behavioural changes within days or weeks, but deep identity shifts typically take months to years. The key is that you’ll start feeling different—more aligned, more confident in your choices—long before others notice external changes. Focus on the internal experience rather than external validation.

Q: What if I try this and fail to stick with it?

A: “Failure” is just information about what approaches don’t work for you. If you can’t stick with a behaviour, it’s probably too big or not aligned with your actual values. Scale it down, get more specific about your values and define your life purpose clearly. The goal isn’t perfection—it’s consistent progress in the direction of who you want to become.

Having a purpose is of such primordial importance to me, that I have created two “Define Your Life Purpose” Mentoring Programs: The Purpuse Pursuit Protocol is for you if you are still searching for your life purpose, and the Purpose Pivot Protocol – perfect if you have a life purpose that needs adjusting.

“Fake It Till You Make It” Research

Definition and Context

“Fake it till you make it” is the idea that projecting self-confidence or adopting successful behaviours—even if you don’t yet feel them internally—can help you eventually achieve genuine competence or confidence. This mantra is rooted in self-presentation, impression management, and self-perception theories, and has been widely discussed in self-improvement, business, and psychological contexts.

Key Findings from Research

1. Psychological Mechanisms

• Self-Perception Theory: Research suggests that acting confident or competent can, over time, influence self-perception and internal beliefs, helping people overcome self-doubt or imposter syndrome.
• Neural Conditioning: Repeatedly acting “as if” (e.g., behaving confidently) can create new neural associations, making the behaviour feel more natural over time. This is similar to the effects of deliberate practice and positive visualisation.

2. Short-Term Benefits

• Overcoming Self-Doubt: The strategy can help individuals temporarily manage anxiety, self-criticism, or feelings of inadequacy, enabling them to perform better in challenging situations.
• Learning and Growth: By adopting the behaviours of successful people, individuals may create opportunities to learn and grow, eventually internalising the skills or attitudes they are imitating.

3. Risks and Limitations

• Mental Health Toll: Maintaining a façade of confidence or competence can lead to increased stress, anxiety, and burnout, especially if there is a large gap between the “fake” persona and authentic self.
• Ethical and Practical Dangers: In professional or technical fields, faking expertise can be unethical, dangerous, or even illegal. High-profile cases like the Theranos scandal illustrate how self-delusion and overconfidence can lead to disastrous outcomes when not grounded in reality or genuine skill.
• Imposter Syndrome: Prolonged use of this strategy can blur the line between genuine self-improvement and feeling like an imposter, potentially eroding authentic self-belief.

4. Distinction from “Acting As If”

• Some psychologists differentiate between “faking it” (which may involve deception or bluster) and “acting as if” (which is a grounded, temporary strategy for managing anxiety and building self-efficacy).

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Scientific Evidence and Nuanced Perspectives

• Deliberate Practice: Research supports the idea that repeated practice—even if it feels unnatural at first—can lead to genuine competence, as neural pathways become more efficient with repetition.
• Authenticity and Resilience: Experts caution that while “faking it” can be a useful short-term tool, long-term success is better supported by cultivating authentic self-belief, resilience, and a willingness to embrace vulnerability and imperfection.

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Cultural and Historical Critique

• The advice has been criticised as outdated and overly simplistic, often failing to address the deeper needs for genuine support, mentorship, and personal growth.

Summary Table: Benefits vs. Risks

Aspect	Potential Benefits	Potential Risks/Limitations
Psychological Impact	Boosts confidence, helps overcome self-doubt	Can cause stress, anxiety, burnout
Skill Development	Facilitates learning through imitation	May limit genuine growth if not grounded in reality
Ethics and Authenticity	May open doors and opportunities	Risks deception, erosion of self-belief
Long-Term Effectiveness	Can lead to real competence with practice	Unsustainable if not accompanied by real growth

Conclusion

Research indicates that “fake it till you make it” can be a useful short-term strategy for overcoming self-doubt and facilitating learning, but it carries significant risks if used as a long-term substitute for genuine skill development and authenticity. Experts recommend using this approach judiciously, focusing on authentic growth and self-belief rather than relying solely on external displays of confidence.

Mann DL. Fake It Till You Make It: What Every Translational Investigator Can Learn From the Rise and Fall of Theranos. JACC Basic Transl Sci. 2022 Jan 5;7(1):99-100.

Gino, F., Norton, M. I., & Ariely, D. (2010). The counterfeit self: The deceptive costs of faking it. Psychological Science, 21(5), 712–720.

Kernis, M. H., Goldman, B. M., & Landau, M. J. (2008). Authenticity, well-being, and the self-concept. In Handbook of positive psychology (pp. 275-288). Oxford University Press.