The holidays can highlight the importance of family, but for some, traditional family relationships may feel strained or distant. This is where friends can become your chosen family—a group of people who truly see, accept, and support you.
Take a moment to appreciate the friends who’ve stepped into that role in your life. These relationships are a testament to the idea that family isn’t always about blood—it’s about love, loyalty, and shared experiences.
Journaling Prompt: Which of your friends feels like family to you? How can you show them your appreciation this holiday season?
Action Step: Reach out to a “chosen family” friend today and let them know how much they mean to you.
Interactive Comment: Cherish your chosen family? Comment with “Friends are family!”
Would you like to find out what type of friend YOU are? How well do you know your friends? If you and a new friend really are compatible? I have created a set of light-hearted quizzes, quotes and questions to help you do just that. Just fill in the form below and you’ll get immediate access to them all. I’ll also add you to my newsletter list, though you can unsubscribe from this list effortlessly and at any time. Included:
– How well do you know your Friends? Quiz
– What is Your Friendship Style? and Are your Friendship Styles compatible? Quiz
– 20 of the Most Inspiring Friends and Friendship Quotes and
– 20 lighthearted Questions you can ask to get to know a new Friend
Discover how to build meaningful, lasting friendships and create a support system that truly has your back—delivered straight to your inbox!
Friends and Friendships
Discover how to build meaningful, lasting friendships and create a support system that truly has your back—delivered straight to your inbox! (newsletter subscription included)
Thank you so much!
More information about making friends and maintaining friendships (including the quizzes I mentioned) is on its way to you. You have also successfully subscribed to my newsletter.
I put the essence of who I am, and everything I have experienced that makes me who I am, with great enthusiasm, into my retreats, courses and books. – Dr Margaretha Montagu (MBChB, MRCGP, NLP master pract cert, Transformational Life Coach dip, Counselling cert, Med Hyp Dip and EAGALA cert)
It’s time to kick exhaustion to the curb and finally ditch that terminally overwhelmed feeling, evict your inner critic, declutter your mind and take control of your life like a boss. You’re about to turn your life from a comedy of errors into a blockbuster success story (with a much better soundtrack). This two-day online course is designed for anyone facing a major life transition, needing to dramatically reduce stress, end exhaustion and overwhelm, and prevent or recover from burnout.
Lise came to a From Troubled to Triumphant Transformational Retreat at the beginning of autumn as a last-minute booking. She said she was going through a “career change” life transition. She couldn’t cope with her job as a doctor anymore, but she had no clue what she wanted to do next. Right from the start, something felt off. It wasn’t that I didn’t understand her plight, after all, I had been in the exact same place myself more than a decade ago. During the retreat, her actual problem gradually reared its head.
Lise’s Story: The Unbearable Weight of Caring
Lise sat in her small, tidy office at the clinic, staring blankly at her computer screen. The cursor blinked steadily, waiting for her to type up the notes for her last patient. But her fingers hovered over the keyboard, unmoving. She couldn’t find the words—or the energy—to continue. The sound of muffled voices in the waiting room seeped through the walls, a constant reminder that more people needed her.
Her workday had started twelve hours ago, and she had seen 27 patients. Each one had brought her their pain, their struggles, and their fears. And she had listened, as she always did, offering reassurances, treatments, and sometimes just a shoulder to lean on. She loved her work—or at least she used to. Being a general practitioner was more than a job for Lise; it was her calling. But recently, something had shifted.
Ground Hog Day
That morning had been no different from any other, or so it seemed. Her first patient, an elderly man named Louis, came in with chronic back pain. As Lise examined him, he spoke about his wife’s declining health and the burden of being her sole caregiver. His voice cracked as he admitted he hadn’t slept well in months. Lise felt the familiar ache of understanding in her chest. She offered him a referral to a physical therapist and gently suggested he seek respite care for his wife.
The next patient was a young mother, Amélie, who brought in her toddler with a persistent cough. Amélie looked frazzled, her eyes rimmed with dark circles. Between checking the child’s breathing and writing a prescription for antibiotics, Lise found herself listening to Amélie’s worries about balancing work and motherhood. “I don’t know how you manage it all,” Amélie said with a weak smile. Lise didn’t answer. She wasn’t sure how she managed it, either.
By the time Lise reached her lunch break—if you could call the ten-minute gap between patients a “break”—she realised she hadn’t eaten breakfast. She grabbed a granola bar from her desk drawer and took a deep breath. It didn’t help.
The First Ominous Signs
For weeks, Lise had been feeling a debilitating fatigue. It wasn’t the kind of tiredness that a good night’s sleep could fix. It was deeper, heavier, as though her very soul was weary. She had started to dread coming to work, something she never imagined would happen. The sight of her packed schedule filled her with a sense of dread.
But the worst part was the emotional numbness. Lise, who had always prided herself on her ability to connect with her patients, found herself tuning out during consultations. When a patient began to cry, her instinct was no longer to comfort them but to mentally check out.
At first, she chalked it up to being overworked. After all, healthcare was a demanding field, and everyone felt overwhelmed sometimes. But this was different. It wasn’t just exhaustion; it was detachment.
Lisa’s Final Breaking Point
Lise’s breaking point came on a rainy Thursday afternoon. Her patient was a teenager named Juliette, who had been struggling with anxiety and self-harm. Juliette’s mother sat beside her, tears streaming down her face as she described finding the scars on her daughter’s arms. Normally, Lise would have felt a wave of compassion and determination to help. But as she listened, all she felt was a hollow emptiness. She nodded at the right moments, prescribed therapy, and scheduled a follow-up. But inside, she felt nothing.
When the appointment ended and Juliette left the room, Lise stayed behind, frozen in her chair. She stared at the clock on the wall, her hands trembling. How had she gotten to this point? How could she care so much and yet feel so little?
Enter Empathy Burnout
During the retreat, Lise confided. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “I feel like I’m failing everyone. My patients, myself… even my partner.”
The other retreat guests and I reassured her. “You’re not failing, Lise. You’re just human. You’ve been carrying too much for too long.”
I also told her that I didn’t think that she was going through a life transition, but that I thought she was suffering from empathy burnout. I explained that empathy burnout, or compassion fatigue, was a state of emotional exhaustion resulting from excessive emotional demands. It wasn’t just physical tiredness; it was the toll of constantly absorbing other people’s pain. Caregivers, healthcare workers, and anyone in the helping professions were especially vulnerable. The symptoms matched hers: emotional numbness, irritability, reduced empathy, and a sense of detachment.
Drafting Her Map to Recovery
Recognising the problem was the first step. But solving it required more than acknowledgement. Lise knew she needed to make changes when she got back—not just for herself, but for her patients.
We talked about starting small. Instead of skipping lunch, she decided she was going to step outside the clinic, even if just for 15 minutes, to eat a homemade sandwich and breathe fresh air. She would practise mindfulness, the way the horses’ taught her during the retreat, setting aside ten minutes each morning to meditate. At first, it might feel forced, but I was sure, over time, it would become a moment of calm she looked forward to.
One of the hardest tasks she set herself was learning to set boundaries. Lise had always been the doctor who went above and beyond, but she realised she couldn’t pour from an empty cup. She decided to delegate some of her work to her clinical staff, whenever appropriate. She also began seeing a supervising therapist, someone she could talk to without fear of judgement.
Reconnecting with Her “Why”
Back home, Lise implemented her plan. She soon started to notice subtle changes. She began to feel lighter, more present. The numbness gradually gave way to genuine care. One day, a patient thanked her for her kindness during a difficult diagnosis, and for the first time in a long time, Lise felt the warmth of being appreciated for her work again.
She reminded herself why she had become a doctor in the first place: to help people heal, both physically and emotionally.
It took time for Lise to get back on track; empathy burnout wasn’t something you can heal from overnight. But it taught her a valuable lesson: caring for others starts with caring for yourself. She learned that empathy, while a beautiful and necessary part of her work, had to be balanced with boundaries and self-compassion.
The Definition of Empathy Burnout
Empathy burnout, also known as “compassion fatigue,” is a state of emotional and physical exhaustion that occurs when someone has been giving a great deal of empathy or support to others over an extended period. This condition is common among professionals in caregiving roles—like healthcare workers, therapists, and counsellors—as well as individuals who provide ongoing support to friends or family members in need. When someone constantly listens to others’ pain, absorbs emotional burdens, or provides support, it can lead to an overwhelming sense of fatigue, detachment, and even helplessness.
What’s the difference between Stress and Empathy Burnout?
Stress is a response to external pressures and can affect anyone, regardless of their emotional involvement with others. Empathy burnout, however, specifically stems from prolonged emotional engagement with others’ pain or struggles. While stress might ebb and flow, empathy burnout is more pervasive and tied to emotional exhaustion.
How do I know it’s Empathy Burnout and not just Tiredness?
Empathy burnout goes beyond physical tiredness. It’s characterized by emotional and psychological fatigue, such as feeling overwhelmed by others’ needs or emotionally drained after interactions. Unlike regular tiredness, rest alone may not improve your energy or mood.
Key Signs
Emotional Exhaustion: Feeling drained, short-tempered, or emotionally distant from others.
Reduced Empathy: Struggling to feel compassionate or sensitive to others’ struggles, even if you genuinely care.
Mental and Physical Fatigue: Experiencing persistent tiredness, headaches, disturbed sleep, and a weakened immune system.
Cynicism or Apathy: Feeling jaded or indifferent toward people who need support.
Increased Stress and Anxiety: This can lead to feelings of frustration, irritation and even resentment.
Causes
Empathy burnout arises when there’s a lack of balance between giving and receiving emotional support. Without time for self-care, boundary-setting, or recovery, this imbalance can easily become overwhelming. Factors like high emotional investment, limited support systems, and ongoing exposure to difficult emotions contribute to burnout.
Preventing and Managing Empathy Burnout
Set Boundaries: Protect your time and energy by establishing clear boundaries.
Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that rejuvenate you—like rest, exercise, mindfulness, creative hobbies, and socialising with supportive friends.
Seek Support: Finding a mentor, coach, or peer group can be invaluable.
Regular Downtime: Take regular breaks from caregiving roles to recharge your batteries.
Consider Professional Help: If empathy burnout is severe, consulting a mental health professional can provide support and strategies to recover.
In the context of a life transition, empathy burnout may be a significant challenge, especially for those who frequently give emotional support to others while navigating their own changes.
The Difference Between a Life Transition and Empathy Burnout
A life transition is a significant change or shift in one’s personal or professional life that disrupts the normal flow of daily living. Examples include career changes, moving to a new place, divorce, retirement, or losing a loved one. Life transitions often involve a mix of emotions, such as excitement, fear, grief, or uncertainty, as individuals adjust to a new reality. These transitions are a natural part of life and, though challenging, they can lead to new insights and new opportunities.
On the other hand, empathy burnout—or compassion fatigue—is a state of emotional exhaustion that arises from repeatedly absorbing the stress, pain, or struggles of others. It is common among caregivers, healthcare workers, and anyone in emotionally demanding roles. Unlike life transitions, empathy burnout stems from giving too much emotional energy to others without adequate self-care or boundaries. It can lead to feelings of numbness, detachment, and even resentment toward those seeking support.
The key difference lies in origin and focus:
Life transitions are external changes that affect an individual’s circumstances and require them to adapt. The focus is on navigating their own emotional and practical needs.
Empathy burnout is an internal condition caused by overextending emotional energy toward others, leaving little room for self-replenishment.
Both can be draining, but while life transitions often involve rebuilding or starting anew, empathy burnout requires recognizing the imbalance in giving and receiving support, then implementing self-care strategies to recover emotional resilience.
Empathy Burnout Self-Assessment FAQ
1. Do you feel emotionally numb or disconnected when others share their problems?
Signs to watch for:
Finding yourself unable to react emotionally to others’ distress
Catching yourself thinking “I don’t care anymore” when hearing about others’ struggles
Feeling irritated or frustrated when people seek emotional support
Having a harder time remembering details of others’ problems or situations
Why this matters: Emotional numbness is often one of the first signs of empathy burnout. It’s your mind’s way of protecting itself from emotional overload.
2. Have you noticed changes in your sleep patterns or physical well-being?
Signs to watch for:
Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep
Feeling exhausted even after adequate rest
Experiencing headaches, digestive issues, or tension more frequently
Having less energy for daily activities
Increased susceptibility to illness
Why this matters: Empathy burnout often manifests physically before we recognize it emotionally.
3. Are you finding it harder to maintain boundaries between your personal life and others’ needs?
Signs to watch for:
Thinking about others’ problems during your personal time
Feeling guilty when you’re not available to help
Difficulty saying “no” to requests for support
Neglecting your own needs to attend to others
Bringing work or others’ problems home with you
Why this matters: Healthy boundaries are essential for sustainable empathy. Their erosion often indicates burnout.
4. Do you find yourself avoiding certain people or situations?
Signs to watch for:
Hesitating to answer calls or messages from people who might need support
Making excuses to avoid social situations
Procrastinating on tasks that involve emotional labour
Feeling dread when faced with others’ emotional needs
Withdrawing from relationships or social activities
Why this matters: Avoidance behaviours often develop as a coping mechanism when our emotional resources are depleted.
5. Has your worldview or self-image changed recently?
Signs to watch for:
Increased cynicism about human nature
Feeling helpless about making a difference
Questioning your competence or effectiveness
Loss of faith in people’s ability to solve their problems
Decreased sense of personal accomplishment
Feeling disconnected from your values or purpose
Why this matters: Changes in core beliefs and self-perception often indicate that empathy burnout is affecting your fundamental worldview.
Note: If you answered “yes” to three or more of these questions and have been experiencing these symptoms for more than two weeks, you may be experiencing empathy burnout. Consider seeking support from a mental health professional who can help you develop strategies for recovery and resilience. – or attend a From Troubled to Triumphant Transformational Retreat in the sun-blessed southwest of France.
Hit the pause button and regain your footing during a From Troubled to Triumphant: Find Solid Ground during Life Quakes Retreat. Imagine walking a peaceful stretch of the Camino de Santiago, where every step helps untangle the mental clutter or spending time with gentle Friesian horses who teach you the art of mindfulness. These retreats blend reflection and relaxation in a way that feels more like an exciting adventure than hard work. Whether you choose to make a change or are forced to, this retreat offers the perfect blend of peace, perspective, and playful exploration to help you rise from troubled to triumphant!
Author Bio: Dr Margaretha Montagu – described as a “game changer”, “gifted healer”, “guiding light” and “life-enriching author” – is an experienced medical doctor, a certified NLP practitioner, a medical hypnotherapist, an equine-assisted psychotherapist (EAGALAcertified) and a transformational retreat leader who guides her clients through life transitions – virtually, or with the assistance of her Friesian and Falabella horses, at their home in the southwest of France.
Do Something Different this Year (see the end of this post)
Thanksgiving: the season of Gratitude, Gatherings, and Glorious Food.
For many, it’s a day filled with tradition, joy, and perhaps a competitive round of family board games. But what happens when life feels… impossibly complicated? Maybe you’ve moved to a new city, you’re facing an enforced career change, starting a new business, getting a divorce, lost a loved one, or have an empty nest – any substantial change -planned or unplanned – in your circumstances. Celebrating Thanksgiving during a tough life transition can feel like juggling fireballs. The good news? Even when you feel you have NOTHING to be grateful for, celebrating Thanksgiving when life isn’t quite going according to plan is not impossible—I’ll show you what you can do to get through this holiday in one piece.
Here in France, we do not celebrate Thanksgiving, or rather, the French do not celebrate Thanksgiving. Most American expats do celebrate Thanksgiving so this post is especially for these brave souls. Brave, because moving to a different country is not for the faint-hearted which may be why I often see expats at my From Troubled to Triumphant: Find Solid Ground during Life Quakes Retreat. Imagine walking a peaceful stretch of the Camino de Santiago, where every step helps untangle the mental clutter or spending time with gentle Friesian horses who teach you the art of mindfulness. This retreat offers the perfect blend of peace, perspective, and playful exploration to help you rise from troubled to triumphant!
Quick, before you move on to the rest of the post, do a Gratitude Countdown: rapidly list ten things you’re grateful for in a countdown format – give yourself 15 seconds.List “micro-gratitudes”: tiny things, like a warm cup of tea or a funny meme from a friend. This powerful exercise can quickly lift your mood, even in the most challenging situations.
Celebrating Thanksgiving during a Major Life Crisis
With a grateful, generous heart and lots of good humour:
Embrace the Chaos
Life transitions often come with chaos—whether it’s moving to a new city, dealing with a breakup, or adjusting to the loss of a loved one. Instead of striving for a picture-perfect Thanksgiving, rejoice in the chaos:
Let Go of Perfection: Thanksgiving doesn’t have to look like it does on Instagram or in the glossy magazine spreads. If your turkey burns or the pie doesn’t set, laugh it off! Remember, it’s about being together and sharing moments, not about culinary perfection. If you’re going solo, go easy on yourself. Order takeout, try a no-cook meal, or embrace the “Thanksgiving taco” trend (turkey + stuffing + tortilla = new culinary delight).
Create a “Thanksgiving Fails” Tradition: Gather your friends or family and share your funniest Thanksgiving disasters from years past. This can lighten the mood and remind everyone that nobody’s holiday is perfect.
Start New Traditions
When going through a life transition, especially in a country where it isn’t celebrated, old traditions may feel unfamiliar. Thanksgiving doesn’t have to be the Norman Rockwell painting of yore. Instead of clinging to what was, lean into what the day represents to you and consider starting new traditions that reflect your current situation:
Volunteer Together: If you’re feeling lonely or disconnected, consider spending part of your day volunteering at a local soup kitchen or food bank. Restos du Coeur here in France is a good option. Not only will you be giving back, but you’ll also be surrounded by others who are looking to spread kindness.
Host a Friendsgiving: If family gatherings feel overwhelming, invite new friends over for a casual meal. This can be a potluck-style event where everyone brings their favorite dish. It’s an excellent way to create new memories while enjoying the company of those who uplift you.
Reflect on What Makes You Grateful
Even during tough times, there are always things to be grateful for. Take some time to reflect on these positives:
Gratitude Journaling: Before the festivities begin, spend some time writing down what you’re thankful for this year. It could be as simple as having good health or supportive friends. Sharing these thoughts during dinner can increase connection and understanding.
Focus on Small Joys: Instead of trying to find big things to be grateful for, focus on small joys—a warm cup of coffee, a funny movie, or even just the beauty of this year’s autumn leaves. Celebrating these little moments can lift your mood significantly.
Keep It Lighthearted
Laughter really is the best medicine—even if it’s over the absurdity of trying to carve a frozen turkey with a dull knife. Finding humour in challenging situations can make them feel much more manageable. Keep things light with:
Funny Thanksgiving Games: Incorporate games that make you laugh—like “Thanksgiving Charades” or “Turkey Trivia.” These activities can break the ice and create fun memories.
Thanksgiving Movie Marathon: Host a movie night featuring classic Thanksgiving films like “Planes, Trains and Automobiles” or “A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving.” These light-hearted films can provide much-needed comic relief.
Support Your Support System
Getting through tough transitions is easier when you have support:
Reach Out: Don’t hesitate to reach out to friends and family during this time. Share your feelings about the holiday and let them know how they can help make it easier for you. Ask how you can help them helping others always makes me feel a bit happier. If you’re physically or emotionally distant from loved ones this year, an awkward FaceTime dinner might not be your dream scenario, but hey, you can mute Uncle Joe if he brings up politics – and this year, just after the election, he most certainly will.
Create Your Own Community: If you’re far from home or feeling isolated, seek out local groups that celebrate Thanksgiving together. This could be through social media platforms or community centres.
Gratefully Reflect on Your Journey
Thanksgiving often prompts reflection, but if you’re going through a tough time, looking back can feel like opening a can of worms instead of cranberry sauce. Even if you’re in a difficult place right now:
Gratefully acknowledge Your Growth: Reflect on how far you’ve come during this transition. Celebrate small victories—whether it’s getting through another day or making it through an emotional storm.
Set Intentions for the Future: Use this time not just to reflect on what has been lost but also to set intentions for what you hope to achieve in the future.
Remember that it’s okay not to have everything figured out—Thanksgiving is about gathering together with love and laughter amidst life’s ups and downs. So this year, let go of expectations and allow yourself to celebrate in whatever way feels right for you!
Going through transitions can be exhausting, so give yourself permission to indulge. Thanksgiving doesn’t have to be all about serving others—it can also be a day to pamper yourself.
Now we get to the “Do Something Different This Year” part: Celebrate Thanksgiving by being Grateful towards Yourself
Practising gratitude towards yourself this Thanksgiving is a powerful way to enhance your well-being and engage a positive mindset, especially during overwhelming times. This is how you do it:
Allow Yourself to Feel
Practice Self-Compassion: Recognise that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed, exhausted, frustrated, irritable or sad. Allow yourself to experience those emotions without judgment. Remind yourself that feelings are valid and part of the human experience.
Set Boundaries: If certain family dynamics are triggering stress, it’s perfectly acceptable to set boundaries about how much time you spend with certain relatives or what activities you participate in during the holiday.
Incorporate Memories: If you’re grieving or missing someone special during the holidays, find ways to treasure their memory. You might light a candle in their honour or prepare their favourite dish as a tribute
Start a Self-Gratitude Journal
One of the simplest yet most impactful ways to practice self-gratitude is by maintaining a journal dedicated to acknowledging your own talents, skills, strengths and accomplishments. For example, “I appreciate the kindness I show to others.” and “I am thankful for my ability to adapt to change.”
Each morning and/or evening, take a few minutes to write down three things about yourself that you are grateful for. These can range from personal qualities, like your resilience or sense of humour, to achievements, no matter how small. Over time, this practice can help shift your focus from self-criticism to a more positive self-image.
Get Out and Dust Off Your Positive Affirmations
Say It Out Loud: Begin or end your day by stating positive affirmations about yourself. Speaking these affirmations aloud makes them more tangible and can boost your confidence. Use statements like:
“I acknowledge the hard work I put into achieving my goals.”
“I am grateful for my resilience and for how it keeps me going.”
“I appreciate my ability to connect with others.”
“I appreciate my creativity and how it enriches my life.”
This practice helps to cultivate a compassionate inner dialogue, reinforcing your self-worth.
Mindful Moments Filled with Gratitude
Mindfulness can deepen your appreciation for yourself by encouraging you to be present in the moment. Louise L. Hay said in Gratitude: A Way of Life,“I remain in awe (and profound relief) that no matter how overwhelming and scary this journey called “life” is, when I slow down enough, I realise that it’s all just made up of hundreds of thousands of “moments,” most of which are pretty darn wonderful if I just take the time to witness and appreciate them.”
So set aside time each day to sit quietly and focus on your breath. As you breathe in and out, reflect on one thing about yourself that you appreciate. This could be a quality, an achievement, or even how you handled a situation during the day.
Transform moments of waiting—like standing in line or waiting for coffee—to reflect on something positive about yourself. Use these pauses as opportunities to express gratitude for who you are and what you’ve achieved.
Mindfully Capture Grateful Moments. Throughout the day, take photos of things that remind you of what you’re grateful for about yourself—this could be a delicious meal you prepared or a project you completed successfully.
Accept Compliments Gladly and Gracefully
Often, we downplay compliments or dismiss them entirely. Practising gratitude towards yourself includes recognising and accepting the positive feedback you receive from others. When someone gives you a compliment, practice saying “Thank you” instead of deflecting it. Just like “No,” “Thank you” is a full sentence. Allow yourself to feel the joy that comes from hearing such kind words and consider writing them down in your journal for future reference.
Indulge in Self-Care Activities
Self-care is an essential aspect of practising gratitude towards yourself. Taking time for activities that nourish your body and mind can reinforce feelings of appreciation.
Joyful Movement: Go for a walk in nature or engage in any physical activity that you enjoy. Intentionally focus on appreciating your surroundings as well as yourself. Use this time to express gratitude for your physical abilities and the beauty around you. This not only improves your mood but also creates a deeper connection with yourself.
Create a Gratitude Collage: Gather images, quotes, and words that resonate with what you appreciate about yourself and create a visual collage. This can serve as an inspiring reminder of your strengths and aspirations, making it easier to focus on gratitude when you see it regularly.
Write a Gratitude Letter to Yourself expressing appreciation for who you are and what you’ve accomplished. Detail how you’ve grown over time and the challenges you’ve overcome.
Be Grateful to Your Body by reflecting on what your body allows you to do rather than focusing on appearance. Write down things like:
“I am grateful that my legs allow me to walk and explore.”
“I appreciate my hands for their ability to create and nurture.”
Set Daily Intentions: Each morning, set an intention that reflects self-appreciation. For instance, you might decide to be patient with yourself throughout the day. At the end of the day, reflect on how well you honoured this intention.
End Your Day with Gratitude
Closing your day with gratitude can set a positive tone for the next morning. Before bed, take inventory of what went well during Thanksgiving this year and what you especially appreciate about yourself. This could be as simple as recognising how well you handled a stressful situation or appreciating that deciding to make things simpler this year made Thanksgiving so much more enjoyable.
Ending the Post
Practising gratitude towards yourself is not only beneficial but essential for cultivating self-love and resilience during challenging times. By incorporating these practices into your daily routine, you can shift your mindset from one of overwhelm to one of appreciation. As Kristen Neff said in Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself, “With self-appreciation, we don’t need to put others down to feel good about ourselves. I can appreciate my own achievements at the same time that I recognize yours. I can rejoice in your talents while also celebrating my own. Appreciation involves acknowledging the light in everyone, ourselves included.”
Finally, remind yourself that life transitions are temporary, even if they feel endless. Thanksgiving doesn’t have to be perfect—it just has to be yours.
Hit the pause button and regain your footing during a From Troubled to Triumphant: Find Solid Ground during Life Quakes Retreat. Imagine walking a peaceful stretch of the Camino de Santiago, where every step helps untangle the mental clutter or spending time with gentle Friesian horses who teach you the art of mindfulness. These retreats blend reflection and relaxation in a way that feels more like an exciting adventure than hard work. Whether you choose to make a change or are forced to, this retreat offers the perfect blend of peace, perspective, and playful exploration to help you rise from troubled to triumphant!
I put the essence of who I am, and everything I have experienced that makes me who I am, with great enthusiasm, into my retreats, courses and books. – Dr Margaretha Montagu (MBChB, MRCGP, NLP master pract cert, Transformational Life Coach dip, Counselling cert, Med Hyp Dip and EAGALA cert)
Let me start by saying: I never planned to move to France. Heck, I didn’t even plan to leave my job. I was one of those “stick to the schedule, keep your head down, and don’t rock the boat” types. You know, the kind of person who doesn’t even cross the street until the little green man shows up on the pedestrian light. But somewhere between yet another soul-sucking audit and the realisation that I’d just spent an entire decade colour-coding spreadsheets, something inside me snapped.
Or maybe it was just the third coffee that day. Who knows?
The Day I Said “Au Revoir” to My 9-to-5
I was sitting in my office—if you can call a cubicle with beige walls and a suspicious stain on the carpet an “office”—staring at a client’s expense reports. “$4,000 for ‘team-building snacks’? Seriously?” I muttered under my breath. (For the record, it was mostly tequila. That’s a red flag if I’ve ever seen one.)
It wasn’t just the absurdity of the job, though. It was the monotony. The same numbers. The same complaints about the coffee machine. The same coworkers with their passive-aggressive Post-It notes in the communal fridge.
So, on a random Tuesday—because big life decisions should always happen on a random Tuesday—I opened my browser, Googled “remote jobs,” and started clicking around. That’s how I stumbled into the rabbit hole of freelance work.
Wait, People Get Paid to Do This?
I wish I could tell you I had a grand plan, but honestly, I was winging it. I created a profile on one of those freelancing platforms (you know, the kind where everyone says “I’ll do X for $5” but secretly charges $50). I figured, “Hey, I know accounting. People need accounting, right?”
The thing is, freelance accounting isn’t just about crunching numbers. Suddenly, I was answering emails at 9 PM because some panicked small business owner couldn’t find their receipts. I became a part-time therapist for people who “just don’t understand taxes.” And let’s not even talk about the guy who tried to pay me in cryptocurrency. (Spoiler: I said no.)
But it worked. Slowly but surely, I started to build a client base. And as much as I’d love to tell you I was instantly making six figures while lounging in my pyjamas, the truth is I spent the first three months eating instant ramen and Googling, “How to price freelance services without sounding desperate.”
The France Idea (AKA My Midlife Crisis, But Make It Fancy)
Now, here’s where things get interesting. One night, I was scrolling Instagram (because obviously, that’s what you do when you suspect you’re burnt out). I saw a post from someone I barely knew—a “digital nomad,” apparently—living their best life in a little French village.
The picture? A cobblestone street lined with flower boxes, a sunset in the background, and a caption that read, “Work from anywhere.” I rolled my eyes so hard I nearly fell off the couch. But then I started thinking… could I actually do that?
I mean, I hated my job, sure. But what I hated even more was that my life felt small. I was in my 40s, living the same day over and over, like some accounting version of Groundhog Day. Wasn’t this the time to do something crazy?
I fell madly in love with France during the retreat, so I grabbed a piece of paper, wrote “Why Not Move to France?” at the top, and started a list. Pros: cheese, wine, croissants. Cons: my non-existent French, and… moving to another country leaving everything and everyone I know behind, a rather daunting list.
A week later, I applied for a visa.
Learning to Say “Bonjour” Without Sounding Like a French Toddler
Fast forward three months, and there I was: standing in a tiny apartment in Bordeaux, surrounded by several suitcases, a bottle opener and a bottle of cheap red wine in my hands.
Now, let me tell you, moving to France sounds glamorous until you’re the one trying to explain your Wi-Fi issues to a technician who speaks zero English. (My version of French was basically just pointing at things and adding “s’il vous plaît.”)
The first few weeks were chaos. I got lost constantly. Once, I ended up in a boulangerie trying to order a baguette and accidentally asked for “a very large grandmother.” The cashier laughed so hard she gave me the bread for free. (Bless her.)
But slowly, life started to feel… lighter. I’d wake up, make my coffee, and open my laptop in the corner of a little café. I worked, yes, but I also took long lunches, strolled through markets, and sat by the river with a book. I learned to appreciate slowness in a way I never had back in the grind of corporate life.
The Big Lesson (or, Why One Should Do the Scary Thing)
Was it terrifying to leave my stable job and start over in a foreign country? Absolutely. Did I have moments where I questioned everything, cried into a glass of Bordeaux, and called my best friend screaming, “What have I done?” Also yes.
But here’s the thing: life’s too short to stay stuck. Whether it’s a job, a city, or even just a mindset—if something isn’t making you happy, it’s okay to change it.
I won’t pretend everything’s perfect. French bureaucracy is a nightmare, and don’t even get me started on how long it takes to set up a bank account here. But when I think about where I was a year ago, stuck in that cubicle with the beige walls, I wouldn’t trade this life for anything.
So, if you’re reading this, wondering if you should take that leap—whether it’s switching careers, moving abroad, or even just saying “no” to something that’s not serving you—this is your sign.
Trust me, the almond croissants alone are worth it.
Here’s to messy, beautiful, unpredictable life changes. Or as the French say, “A la Votre!”
Hit the pause button and regain your footing during a From Troubled to Triumphant: Find Solid Ground during Life Quakes Retreat. Imagine walking a peaceful stretch of the Camino de Santiago, where every step helps untangle the mental clutter, or spending time with gentle Friesian horses who teach you the art of mindfulness. These retreats blend reflection and relaxation in a way that feels more like an exciting adventure than hard work. Whether you’ve chosen to make a change, or are forced to, this retreat offers the perfect blend of peace, perspective, and playful exploration to help you rise from troubled to triumphant!
I put the essence of who I am, and everything I have experienced that makes me who I am, with great enthusiasm, into my retreats, courses and books. – Dr Margaretha Montagu (MBChB, MRCGP, NLP master pract cert, Transformational Life Coach dip, Counselling cert, Med Hyp Dip and EAGALA cert)
I knew I was in trouble when my left ankle, safely encased in a brand new hiking boot started whispering “I hate you!” by mile three. Okay, it wasn’t literally whispering, but it might as well have been, considering the blister situation brewing on my heel. Welcome to my first day walking the Camino de Santiago—where dreams of spiritual enlightenment collide head-on with the harsh reality of unbroken shoes.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me rewind.
Why the Heck I Decided to Do This
So, picture this: me, a woman in her 50s, sitting in my kitchen with a cup of tea, staring down the uneven barrel of a life transition. Kids? Grown and out of the house (well, mostly—one boomerangs back when she needs help with her laundry). Career? Let’s just say I wasn’t feeling the love. Relationship? Yeah… let’s not open that Pandora’s box just yet.
I wanted inspiration, clarity, purpose, some kind of sign that the next chapter wasn’t going to involve me knitting in a recliner while binge-watching Murder, She Wrote reruns. (No offence, Jessica Fletcher, but I need more action in my life.)
That’s when I stumbled upon an article about a retreat walking a section of the Camino de Santiago, a centuries-old pilgrimage that winds through the southwest of France on it’s way to Spain. The photos looked like postcards: sunflower fields, charming stone villages, and people beaming with the kind of joy that comes from surviving walking 500 miles with a backpack that’s either too heavy or too small.
I thought, If they can do it, so can I. Plus, walking sounded simple. You just put one foot in front of the other, right? Spoiler alert: it’s not that simple.
Day One: The Blister Chronicles
Fast forward to me, sweating my way up a gentle incline (read: Mount Everest in disguise) on my first day. The romantic visions I had of strolling through quaint villages? Replaced by the grim reality of cursing every pebble on the path.
By lunchtime, I had my first blister. By dinnertime, I had named it Fred and was seriously considering amputating my foot. Fred was mean, persistent, and not shy about demanding attention with every step. But here’s the thing about the Camino: when you’re surrounded by fellow pilgrims, everyone’s in the same boat—or rather, on the same path.
At one point, I stopped to patch Fred up, and a fellow walker—an energetic Italian woman named Sofia—offered me her blister cream. “The Camino gives you what you need,” she said with a wink, handing me the tiny tube.
I wasn’t sure if it was divine intervention or just good timing, but the gesture made me tear up a little.
The People You Meet (and the Snacks You Steal)
Walking for hours a day gives you plenty of time to think—or to eavesdrop on conversations, which is what I did whenever I caught up to other pilgrims. (What? Don’t judge me; the Camino can get lonely!) I overheard deep discussions about philosophy, hilarious debates about which albergue had the best wine, and one particularly spirited argument about whether or not snoring should be a criminal offence in shared dorms.
Then there were the snacks. Let me just say, I became a bit of a Camino snack ninja. If someone brought out a bag of trail mix, I’d conveniently slow down to “enjoy the view” until I was close enough to sneak a handful. Hey, walking burns a lot of calories!
But the real magic came from the moments of connection. Like when I bonded with a retired teacher from Canada over our shared love of cheesy rom-coms. Or when a young guy from Germany told me he was walking to figure out what to do after quitting his tech job. His honesty floored me, and it made me wonder if maybe I needed to ask myself some hard questions too.
Lessons from the Trail (and the Time I Almost Quit)
The third day nearly broke me. My legs felt like lead, the rain wouldn’t stop, and Fred (remember the blister?) had blossomed into a blister barnacle. I wanted to quit. I even googled “nearest taxi service” during a water break.
But then I looked up and saw a signpost with the word Spain and an arrow pointing the way. It hit me: this wasn’t about getting there as fast as possible. It wasn’t about proving anything to anyone. It was about the journey itself. (Yes, I know that sounds like a line from a self-help book, but stay with me.)
I put my phone away and kept walking.
That day, I crossed paths with a French woman in her 60s who’d been walking the Camino for two months. TWO MONTHS. She told me she started because she wanted to “find her joy again.” And you know what? She was the happiest person I’d met on the trail.
Her story reminded me that it’s okay to feel lost. It’s okay to not have everything figured out. Sometimes, you just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, even if your feet are covered in Band-Aids.
The Finish Line (and What Came After)
When I finally reached the end, I expected fireworks, a choir of angels, or at least someone handing out free beers. Instead, I got a quiet sense of peace that crept over me as I stood in the shadow of an ancient oak tree.
It didn’t magically solve all my problems. My job was still waiting for me, my relationships still needed work, and my life still had plenty of question marks. But I felt lighter, more open, and—dare I say it—a little braver.
The Camino didn’t fix me. It didn’t hand me a roadmap for the rest of my life. But it reminded me that I’m capable of more than I think. And sometimes, this time, that’s enough.
So, if you’re sitting in your kitchen with a cup of tea, wondering who you are now and what’s next, maybe the answers aren’t clear right now. But trust me, at least some of the answers are out there on the Camino—waiting for you to take the first step.
Don’t forget the blister cream. And more snacks than you think you’ll ever need.
Hit the pause button and regain your footing during a From Troubled to Triumphant: Find Solid Ground during Life Quakes Retreat. Imagine walking a peaceful stretch of the Camino de Santiago, where every step helps untangle the mental clutter, or spending time with gentle Friesian horses who teach you the art of mindfulness. These retreats blend reflection and relaxation in a way that feels more like an exciting adventure than hard work. Whether you’ve chosen to make a change, or are forced to, this retreat offers the perfect blend of peace, perspective, and playful exploration to help you rise from troubled to triumphant!
Imagine having a survival toolkit ready next time you’re hit by a life-shattering transition. When you subscribe to my Savoir Vivre Vignettes newsletter, you get FREE access to my How to Survive a Life Quake 7-part online course (valued at €79). This isn’t just another online course; it’s a heartfelt made-with-love guide packed with tools to help you face and thrive through life’s transitions with resilience. I’d love for you to join our community!
Discover the Surprising Ways Different Generations Cope with Change—and What We Can All Learn from Each Approach
The scene: Four friends from different generations are sitting around a table at a coffee shop, catching up on life.
Baby Boomer:[sighs and stirs their coffee] “You know, I was raised to believe you stick it out, whatever life throws at you. When I hit that rough patch in my forties? Kept my head down, worked harder, pushed through. Life transitions… you just deal with ‘em and get on with things.”
Gen X: “I get that. I mean, my parents didn’t exactly roll out the therapy fund. When I hit a big transition, I lean on self-help books, maybe take a solo trip to ‘find myself.’ I’m not against talking it out, but at the end of the day, I handle my stuff myself. You gotta be able to stand on your own.”
Millennial:[grins] “Oh, I’m all about talking it out. I’ve got a group chat, my therapist on speed dial, and about five podcasts queued up with advice on handling change. Life transitions are practically a generational sport for us. And if all else fails, I’ll crowdsource help on Instagram—who knows, maybe I’ll turn it into a blog.”
Gen Z:[laughs] “Yeah, but why go through all that when I can just reinvent myself? Job loss? I’ll switch fields. Tough breakup? Try a different age group. Honestly, it’s about embracing change on my terms. Life transitions are just invitations to change myself into someone even cooler. Plus, I know like three apps that’ll help me make a vision board in under ten minutes.”
Baby Boomer: “Reinvent yourself? Back in my day, a transition was about stability. You built a foundation; you didn’t just switch gears whenever things got tough.”
Gen X:[nods] “I get that. But I also see the point in mixing it up when life throws a curveball—sometimes you just need a change. I’ll do the work if I need to, but I want that freedom, too.”
Millennial: “I think it’s about finding support for whatever comes up. Community, therapy, friends, self-care—all of it. I mean, why go it alone if you don’t have to?”
Gen Z:[shrugs] “Or you just go full chameleon. Adapt to whatever the next phase demands. Life’s short; I’m here to enjoy it, not overthink it. Reinvention is just part of the game.”
Recently I was chatting with my friend Paula about the generational cohorts: Baby Boomers, Gen X, Millennials etc. She is a Baby Boomer, and I am Gen X, but we weren’t sure of the younger generations, so I looked it up:
Baby Boomers (Born 1946-1964)
Baby Boomers were born during the post-World War II baby boom, a time characterised by significant population growth. This generation is known for its optimism and competitiveness, often driven by a strong work ethic and a focus on career advancement. Baby Boomers value personal growth and self-expression, having been politically active and socially conscious throughout their lives. While they have adapted to technology, they are not considered digital natives, often preferring traditional forms of communication.
Generation X (Born 1965-1980)
Generation X grew up in the shadow of the Baby Boomers, experiencing significant societal changes. This cohort is characterised by its independence and self-reliance, often displaying scepticism toward authority and institutions. Gen Xers value work-life balance, seeking fulfilment in both their professional and personal lives. They are technologically adept, having witnessed the rise of the internet and personal computing, which has shaped their pragmatic and resourceful approach to challenges.
Millennials / Generation Y (Born 1981-1996)
Millennials, also known as Generation Y, came of age during a period of rapid technological change and globalisation. This generation is recognized for being digital natives, comfortable with technology from an early age. Millennials tend to value experiences over material possessions, prioritising travel and personal development. They are socially conscious and diverse, often advocating for social justice issues. Collaborative and team-oriented, Millennials appreciate frequent feedback and opportunities for career development.
Generation Z (Born 1997-2012)
Generation Z is the first true digital native generation, having grown up with smartphones and social media as integral parts of their lives. Key characteristics of Gen Z include an entrepreneurial mindset and a pragmatic approach to life. They are financially conscious, having witnessed economic uncertainty during their formative years. This generation values individuality and diversity, often expressing concern about social and environmental issues.
Generation Alpha (Born 2013-Present)
Generation Alpha is the newest generation currently developing, with many members still in childhood. Early observations suggest that they will be the most technologically immersed generation yet, growing up in an era of advanced digital innovation. Generation Alpha is likely to be highly educated and globally minded, benefiting from increased access to information and resources. However, they may also face challenges related to climate change and economic uncertainty as they grow up in an increasingly complex world.
My retreats have a minimum age of 18, so I won’t see Generation Alpha until 2031.
The subject came up because I had recently hosted a From Troubled to Triumphant Transformational Retreat that helps participants find solid ground during a Life Quake and I noticed that my guests, who were from different generational cohorts, approached life transitions differently, based on their formative experiences, values, and characteristics. Thinking back, I tried to work out how their approaches differed and I came up with this (very unscientific) summary:
Baby Boomers (Born 1946-1964)
It seemed to me that Baby Boomers tend to approach life transitions with:
Adaptability, and a certain resilience. Having lived through significant social and technological changes, Baby Boomers often fall back on past experience when they have to cope with major life changes.
A strong work-centric mindset: Many Boomers define themselves by their careers, so retirement or job changes can be particularly challenging.
Traditional values are important to them, they may rely on conventional wisdom and established institutions when facing transitions.
Generally, Boomers maintain an optimistic outlook on life, believing hard work will lead to positive outcomes.
Generation X (Born 1965-1980)
Difficult to stereotype my own generation, but I’d say Gen X typically handles life transitions with:
Fierce independence: Known for their self-reliance, the latch-key kids often tackle transitions independently, seeking solutions on their own.
Pragmatism: We Gen Xers tend to approach major life changes practically, weighing pros and cons before making decisions.
A careful eye on our work-life balance: Unlike Boomers, we’re more likely to prioritise personal life alongside professional life when facing transitions.
A fair amount of scepticism: We may be more cautious about change, questioning authority and conventional wisdom.
Millennials (Born 1981-1996)
This is where it gets tricky. As far as I can gather, Millennials (GenY) often approach life transitions by:
Seeking meaning as they’re more likely to view life transitions as opportunities for personal growth and are keen to find purpose in everything they do.
Welcoming change. Millennials grew up with rapid technological advancements, and are generally much more comfortable with change.
Collaborating – they may rely more on peer networks and social media for support and advice during transitions.
Embracing new experiences: Millennials might focus on how transitions can lead to new experiences rather than material gain.
Generation Z (Born 1997-2012)
Gen Z is still very young, but it already looks like they will approach life transitions by:
Leveraging technology, they’re likely to use apps, online resources, and social media to help them cope with change.
Prioritising their mental health. Gen Z is much more aware of mental health issues and may well put their mental well-being first during transitions.
Seeking stability: Having witnessed economic uncertainty, they may approach transitions with a focus on financial security.
Valuing diversity as Gen Z tends to consider diverse perspectives and inclusive solutions as important even when facing life changes.
I did a bit more reseach, and discovered that while these are general trends, individual experiences can vary widely within each generation. Factors such as personal background, culture, and socioeconomic status also play significant roles in how people approach life transitions.
It quickly became clear to me that exploring life transitions through the nuanced lenses of each cohort really does reveal a fascinating interplay of values, adaptability, and resilience across generations. From the Baby Boomers’ foundation-focused perseverance to Gen Z’s pragmatic, fluid reinvention, each approach is a masterclass in handling change.
What’s particularly interesting is how these generational perspectives illuminate broader cultural shifts in how we handle uncertainty and redefine identity. Research increasingly supports that a blend of introspection, external support, and adaptability is essential in navigating major life changes effectively. Each generation brings unique insights into that mix, reminding us that while our tools for dealing with transitions evolve, the need to process and grow through them is universal.
Based on the generational characteristics and approaches to life transitions, I sat down and made a mind map (it’s a Gen X thing) of how I needed to change the way I host my retreats to make sure each generational cohort benefits equally.
Helping people from different generations through life transitions is not easy, but at least I now have a better understanding of why it is difficult and I can tailor my approach accordingly. I was thinking that the different generations could even learn from each other and support each other in unexpected ways.
Fascinating stuff.
So when I’m working with Baby Boomers, I’ll need to focus on helping them redefine their purpose, especially as they navigate retirement. I am already aware of this (and my) generation’s need to find their life purpose, and with my horses’ help I created the Rearing to Get Going in a New Direction: Finding Your Life Purpose Guided by Horses online course to help people gain the clarity, motivation and direction they need to manifest their next chapter – in both their personal and professional lives. (get immediate access) online. Many in this generation struggle with identity issues after leaving their careers, so I may need to create another course to help them explore new ways to find meaning and purpose beyond work. During my retreats, we discuss health and wellness activities to address their concerns about ageing and maintaining vitality and I leverage their vast life experiences by incorporating exercises that allow them to reflect on their past and use that wisdom to navigate current transitions. If I’m feeling particularly brave, I suggest updating their knowledge about technology so that they can stay connected and relevant in our rapidly changing world, as this can be a huge challenge for some Boomers.
With Generation X participants, like me, I tend to concentrate on work-life balance strategies. I help them develop techniques for managing career transitions while maintaining family responsibilities, as many Gen Xers are juggling multiple roles. We address concerns about financial security, especially for those caring for both children and ageing parents. I provide tools for managing stress and avoiding burnout, given the multiple responsibilities our generation often faces. I suggest resources for those contemplating career changes or starting their own businesses, as entrepreneurship often appeals to this independent-minded cohort.
I have found that Millennials attending my retreats often benefit from activities that help them find meaning in their work and help them align their career choices with personal values. We can focus more on increasing resilience and provide further strategies for coping with uncertainty in both their personal and professional lives. We can make time to address concerns about balancing career ambitions with personal relationships and family planning. Given the financial challenges many Millennials face, we may have to look for guidance on managing student debt, investing, and long-term financial planning.
For Generation Z, I will discuss strategies for managing anxiety, and stress, and maintaining good mental health during transitions, as this generation tends to be more open about mental health issues and keen to talk about them. I’ll incorporate activities, with the horses, that facilitate face-to-face connections and create time away from their screens, providing a balance to their digital-centric lives. I could suggest resources for continuous learning and adapting to a rapidly changing job market, addressing their concerns about future career prospects. We could talk about aligning their personal and career goals with their desire to make a positive impact on society, as social consciousness is often a key characteristic of this generation.
If my retreat group is multi-generational, I’ll include some group activities to foster understanding and knowledge sharing between generations. It makes sense to use a mix of traditional and digital tools to cater to the varying technological comfort levels. I already provide resources and support for participants after the retreat to help them implement what they’ve learned. At dinner most evenings, and especially after Camino de Santiago walking days, participants share their experiences and learn from each other’s transitions – storytelling is a powerful processing tool for all generations.
I(‘m hoping that by tailoring my approach to each generation’s unique characteristics and concerns, I’ll host more impactful life transition retreats that resonate with participants across all age groups. Of course, while these generational trends provide a helpful framework, individual experiences can vary widely, so I’ll have to remain flexible in my approach to accommodate personal differences.
One thing I have learned during the decade that I have been hosting retreats is that, as a host, you never stop learning.
I put the essence of who I am, and everything I have experienced that makes me who I am, with great enthusiasm, into my retreats, courses and books. – Dr Margaretha Montagu (MBChB, MRCGP, NLP master pract cert, Transformational Life Coach dip, Counselling cert, Med Hyp Dip and EAGALA cert)
Why just survive when you can thrive? When you subscribe to my Savoir Vivre Vignettes Newsletter, you won’t just get my musings on living a more meaningful life here on my little French farm —you’ll unlock FREE access to my How to Survive a Life Quake 7-part online course (valued at 79€.) Think of it as your step-by-step survival kit for those “what-on-earth-just-happened” moments in life.
Research
As the ability to cope with life transitions is basically determined by how effectively we handle stress, I looked at studies that compared the stress management strategies of the different generations:
A 2012 Penn State study found that Gen X had significantly higher stress levels than other age groups, reporting an average stress level of 5.8 out of 10. This was notably higher than Millennials (3.4) and Baby Boomers (4.4).
The American Psychological Association’s (APA) 2012 Stress in America survey corroborated these findings, showing that both Gen Xers and Millennials reported an average stress level of 5.4 on a 10-point scale, higher than Boomers (4.7) and Matures (3.7).
More recent data from 2021 shows this trend continuing, with 22% of Gen Xers confessing to struggling with stress daily, compared to 17% for Millennials, 14% for Gen Zs, and 8% for Baby Boomers.
The APA study found that while all generations agree on the importance of managing stress, younger generations (Millennials and Gen X) report more difficulty in doing so effectively. Older generations (Boomers and Matures) are more likely to use strategies like getting enough sleep and attending religious services to manage stress. Younger generations are more likely to engage in potentially unhealthy behaviours like eating, drinking alcohol, and smoking to manage stress.
Millennials and Gen Xers report experiencing more stress-related symptoms like lying awake at night (52% of Millennials, 48% of Gen Xers, compared to 37% of Boomers and 25% of Matures).
44% of both Millennials and Gen Xers report experiencing irritability or anger due to stress, compared to 36% of Boomers and 15% of Matures.
These studies highlight that while stress affects all generations, there are significant differences in stress levels, causes, and management strategies across different age cohorts. Gen X consistently emerges as the most stressed generation, likely due to their position in the life cycle and the unique challenges they face. Yep, that sounds about right.
Imagine this: you’ve finally mustered the courage to quit the job that’s been slowly suffocating your soul, or you’re ready to leave behind a life that no longer feels worth living. The excitement of a fresh start propels you forward—until reality hits.
Suddenly, you’re knee-deep in challenges you never saw coming: financial setbacks, unexpected roadblocks, and decisions that leave you second-guessing every choice, every decision. This is where so many of our dreams crumble—not because of a lack of courage, but because the problems are different, and your old ways of solving them no longer work.
Major life changes aren’t just about leaping off a cliff and hoping you’ll grow wings on the way down; they’re about being ready to overcome unexpected mind-numbing obstacles. Updating your life skills before you leap will ensure that you are prepared for whatever lies ahead—and that can make all the difference between thriving in your next chapter or having to crawl back to the one you so desperately wanted to escape.
Helping people through life transitions is what I do. You know those big, messy life changes that feel like they’re out to get you? Like quitting your job to search for something better? We all go through them—over and over—until we finally register the lessons they’re trying to teach us (or at least stop shaking our fists at the sky).
Trust me, I get how tough these transitions can be, both in life and work. The uncertainty, the insecurity, the “let’s overthink every possible outcome” phase—I’ve been there. In the last 30 years, I’ve survived 45 life transitions (yep, 45—sometimes several at once, because, why not?). It never gets easier, but I’ve definitely gotten better at catching life’s curveballs—and learning my life lessons a little faster each time, thanks to my rock-solid support team: my horses.
I want to share what I’ve discovered with you, so you can get through your own life transitions with less panic and a lot more pizazz.
What’s a life transition, you ask? Oh, just the small stuff—like switching careers, starting a business, moving to another country, divorce, loss of a loved one, empty nests, illness, retirement… You know, the usual disasters that show up at regular intervals whether we’re ready or not.
Take Sophie, for example. She came to one of my Your Sensational Next Chapter retreats a couple of years ago.
Sophie, who had recently started a new life in France, chats to her friend Irene in London:
“Honestly, improving how you tackle problems is such a game-changer. There are a bunch of things you can do to get better at it. First off, you’ve gotta have a growth mindset. Like, instead of seeing challenges as roadblocks, think of them as chances to learn. And when you screw up? No biggie. Just figure out what went wrong and use that to improve next time. It’s all about keeping at it, even when things get tough.
Another thing that really helps is breaking the problem down into smaller pieces. When you look at it as a whole, it can feel overwhelming, but if you tackle one part at a time, it becomes way more manageable. Plus, start with the most urgent or impactful bits first—don’t try to fix everything at once.
Also, don’t be afraid to think outside the box. Sometimes the obvious solution isn’t the best one, so try looking at the problem from a totally different angle. Ever used examples or ideas from other areas of life? That kind of lateral thinking can spark some creative solutions you wouldn’t normally think of.
And, hey, get analytical. Gather all the info, weigh the pros and cons, and then connect the dots logically. It’s like being a detective—you’ve gotta follow the clues and let the data guide you.
One of the best things you can do is talk it out with other people. Sometimes, just hearing how someone else would approach it gives you a fresh perspective. Plus, if someone else has been through something similar, why not learn from their experience instead of figuring it out the hard way?
Oh, and if you’re feeling stuck, try using structured methods like mind mapping or a SWOT analysis. Those tools help you organise your thoughts and see the problem more clearly. There’s also Root Cause Analysis—basically, asking ‘why’ five times until you get to the real issue. It’s surprisingly effective.
Staying calm is super important, too. You don’t want to make decisions when you’re stressed out or emotional, so take a breather when you need it. Sometimes stepping back helps you see things more objectively.
Also, critical thinking is key. Ask yourself, ‘Why is this happening?’ or ‘What if we did it this way instead?’ And don’t just accept things at face value—challenge your assumptions. It’s like you’re keeping your brain flexible and open to new possibilities.
And hey, looking back on how you handled past problems is a great way to learn. Figure out what worked, and what didn’t, and if something keeps coming up, document the solution so you’re not reinventing the wheel every time.
Last but not least, practice. Do puzzles, tackle challenges at work, whatever it is—just keep exercising that problem-solving muscle. The more you do it, the better you’ll get at handling anything life throws at you.”
Excellent advice, but how did Sophie get so good at handling life crises?
Not so very long ago, Sophie was sitting in her office, staring out of the window, the grey London skyline mirroring her mood. She had spent the last ten years climbing the corporate ladder, only to find herself in a job she despised. The endless spreadsheets, interminable meetings, and office politics left her feeling tired and trapped. Each day dragged into the next, a monotonous loop of emails, phone calls and deadlines, with no sense of purpose.
One evening, after another exhausting day, Sophie found herself scrolling through travel blogs, imagining an entirely different life. She stumbled upon an article about a couple who had left their stressful city jobs to open a small bed-and-breakfast in the French countryside. They described the scent of lavender drifting through the air, and evenings spent chatting with guests over glasses of local wine. Something stirred inside Sophie.
“Why not me?” she had thought.
The idea seemed outrageous at first, but it wouldn’t let go. Over the next few weeks, Sophie quietly began planning her escape. She loved the idea of running a bed-and-breakfast, meeting new people, and immersing herself in the French way of life. The very thought of it filled her with hope.
By the end of that year, Sophie had quit her job, sold her apartment, and moved to a quaint village in the southwest of France. She bought an old stone farmhouse with the perfect charm for a bed-and-breakfast, surrounded by vineyards and sunflower fields. But as she stood in her new home, the excitement quickly faded, replaced by a sinking realisation: running a business was far more complicated than she had imagined.
Sophie’s problem-solving skills, which had been perfectly adequate for dealing with office issues, now seemed laughably inadequate. Fixing a Wi-Fi outage or managing a team of accountants hadn’t prepared her for the chaos that came with a leaky roof, finicky plumbing, and juggling a fluctuating guest list. She needed a new approach.
Lesson 1: Breaking Problems Down
Her first task was to tackle the farmhouse’s endless repairs. The roof leaked, the pipes groaned, and the heating system was as temperamental as the French weather. Feeling overwhelmed, Sophie remembered a piece of advice she had once heard about breaking problems down into smaller, manageable tasks.
Instead of panicking over the entire house, she made a list of each issue and prioritised them one by one. The roof came first. She contacted local tradespeople, asked for quotes, and learned to navigate French bureaucracy to get building permits. By focusing on one issue at a time, she managed to get things done.
Step 2: Thinking Outside the Box
When it came to marketing her bed-and-breakfast, Sophie hit another wall. She wasn’t attracting enough guests to make the business sustainable. She tried the traditional methods—listing on travel websites, offering discounts, and posting photos on social media—but the bookings were few and far in between.
Sophie decided to think outside the box. Instead of marketing her B&B to everyone, she focused on a niche: travellers seeking a quiet retreat in the countryside where they can recharge their batteries far from the maddening crowds. By offering a unique experience, Sophie’s B&B began to attract guests who were looking for more than just a place to sleep—they were looking for rest and renewal.
Step 3: Collaboration and Asking for Help
Running the B&B solo was exhausting. Sophie had underestimated how much work it would be, cleaning rooms, managing bookings and making breakfast every morning. For months, she stubbornly tried to handle everything herself, but it left her completely exhausted.
Eventually, she realised she needed help. She reached out to local business owners, like the nearby vineyard and cheese farm, to form partnerships. In exchange for recommending each other’s services, they shared responsibilities and helped promote each other. Sophie also hired a part-time assistant to handle the day-to-day tasks, allowing her to focus on growing the business. The collaboration not only lightened her workload but also expanded her network and gave her fresh ideas.
Step 4: Learning from Mistakes
Sophie’s first summer season was far from perfect. She double-booked rooms, mismanaged finances, and even managed to burn breakfast for a full house of guests one morning. But each mistake taught her something new.
She began reflecting on what went wrong after each hiccup and adjusted her routine. For double bookings, she upgraded her online reservation system. For finances, she took a basic accounting course and set clear budgets. And for breakfast, well, she learned not to leave the croissants in the oven while chatting with guests.
Step 5: Staying Calm and Adapting
Perhaps the most important skill Sophie developed was learning to stay calm in the face of challenges. In her old corporate life, problems often felt like the end of the world. But now, she realised that every problem had a solution—it just required patience and creative thinking.
Whenever something went wrong, she took a breath, assessed the situation, and found a way forward. Over time, her ability to solve problems became sharper, more intuitive, and more innovative. She adapted to the unpredictability of running a business, learning to expect the unexpected.
The New Sophie
A couple of years later, we stood on the terrace of Sophie’s B&B, not that far from my little farmhouse here in the southwest of France, watching the sunset over the vineyards. Her guests were chatting away around her table, enjoying the dinner she had prepared for them with fresh local ingredients. Sophie’s journey hadn’t been easy, but she had managed to transform from someone stuck in a job she hated to a confident business owner who knew how to handle whatever came her way.
If you have a dream like Sophie’s, I would very much like to help you make it a reality.
Dr Margaretha Montagu (MBChB, MRCGP, NLP master Pract cert, Transformational Life Coach dip, Counselling cert, Med Hyp Dip and EAGALA cert)
Are you resilient enough to make as big a change as Sophie did? Take the Quiz.
In addition to the transformational retreats that I host at my little French farm near Bordeaux, I have also created a couple ofonline courses, ex.Break Free from Uncertainty and Get Going in a New Direction – each course is available with or without one-to-one coaching. To receive notification of last-minute and early-bird specials on all of the above, I invite you to subscribe to my Savoir Vivre Vignettes newsletter which gives immediate access to my free How to Survive a Life Quake e-course.
When the unexpected happens, it’s not the life crisis that defines us—it’s how we respond to the crisis.
Life has a way of throwing us curveballs—whether it’s a sudden job loss, a career change, a redundancy or even a planned change, like starting a new business or retirement. A sudden major life change can leave us feeling powerless, as if the ground beneath us has shifted, and we are no longer in control of anything that happens.
I know that feeling well. Trying to cope with a life crisis is no longer as debilitating as it used to be. I have developed a strategy, that I share with you below. What remains a challenge is when more than one life challenge explodes into my life at the same time. That is when I get my journal out and start scribbling feverishly. I have included 5 of my best journaling prompts to help during multiple life crises.
Why Loss of Control during a Life Crisis Feels So Overwhelming
At the heart of most major crises is unpredictability. Our daily routines, habits, plans and our sense of stability can become obsolete in an instant, often without warning. For many of us, control over our lives—our schedules, relationships, and careers—provides a sense of security. When that control is stripped away, feelings of fear, frustration, hopelessness and helplessness can quickly overwhelm us.
While we can’t control everything that happens to us, we do have the power to choose how we respond. Learning how to cope with this loss of control is key to surviving the emotional turbulence caused by a major life change.
Discover how to turn life’s biggest challenges into opportunities for personal growth:
1. Focus on What You Can Control
When life feels like it’s spiralling out of control, start by acknowledging what you cannot control. Acceptance doesn’t mean giving up; it means recognising that certain things are beyond your control. By accepting this, you can shift your focus to what is within your control. Even small actions, such as creating a new daily stress-reducing routine, like going for a walk in nature can provide a sense of stability in uncertain times.
For example, if you’ve recently lost your job, while you can’t control the job market, you can update your resume, expand your skill set, or network with others in your industry. These small steps, over time, help you feel less overwhelmed and more in charge of your situation.
2. Acknowledge Your Emotions, But Don’t Let Them Dictate Your Actions
One of the most important steps in coping with loss of control is to allow yourself to acknowledge your emotions. It’s natural to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, or scared witless during a crisis, and bottling up these emotions or suppressing them can make them a hundred times worse (and give you a stomach ulcer, to boot.). Give yourself permission to grieve the loss of your old plans, aspirations, hopes or expectations.
However, while it’s important to acknowledge these feelings, it’s equally important not to let your emotions dictate your decisions. Mindfulness techniques can help you to reflect before you react, get off the emotional rollercoaster and avoid having regrets.
3. Reframe Your Thoughts
When life takes an unexpected turn and it feels as if you are losing control, it’s only natural to feel overwhelmed. Rather than getting stuck in a loop of negative thoughts or worst-case scenarios, you have the ability to take charge of your mindset. Instead of asking, “Why is this happening to me?” flip the script and ask, “How can I grow from this?”
When one door closes, another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us.” ― Alexander Graham Bell
Every crisis holds the potential to be a turning point. Rather than seeing it as an end, view it as the beginning of a new chapter—one filled with opportunities for learning new skills, discovering new talents and becoming more resilient.
4. Ask for Help
When life feels like it’s spiralling out of control, we often withdraw and isolate ourselves, believing that we need to face our challenges alone. In these moments, reaching out to others for support can create a significant shift in how you experience the crisis. Whether you turn to close friends, family members, colleagues or seek out professional guidance from a therapist or a coach, talking to others can help you see the bigger picture.
Opening up about your struggles also helps lighten the emotional load. Sharing your experiences with someone who has been through a similar situation can offer invaluable insights. They may provide practical advice that you hadn’t considered, giving you a fresh perspective. Even if they haven’t walked the exact same path, hearing another person’s thoughts can help you see your situation in a new light. Conversations like these not only provide emotional support but also help you regain a sense of control over your situation. .
5. One Day at a Time
It’s easy to feel bogged down by the enormity of a life crisis. Break challenges into smaller, more manageable steps, take things one day at a time and celebrate each victory, no matter how small. Each step forward, no matter how small, builds momentum and fosters a sense of accomplishment and control. By focusing on what you can accomplish today, whether it’s making a phone call, sending an email, or simply getting through the day. It’s okay not to have all the answers immediately.
6. Revisit Your Values and Priorities
A crisis often forces us to pause and reassess what truly matters to us. When everything feels out of control, it can be helpful to review your core values and priorities. What is most important to you right now? What do you want your life to look like on the other side of this crisis? Sometimes, we realize that a major change, though painful, allows us to realign our lives with who we really are and what we really want. By focusing on what truly matters, you can find new perspectives, clarity and direction.
7. Remain Flexibleduring a Life Crisis
A flexible or growth mindset accepts that not everything will go according to plan—and that’s okay. Being adaptable allows you to adjust to new circumstances without feeling defeated. A growth mindset also encourages resilience by acknowledging that setbacks and failures are part of the learning process, not permanent obstacles. When you approach a crisis with the belief that you can improve and adapt, you’re more likely to bounce back from challenges rather than be overwhelmed by them.
8. Set Boundaries
During a crisis, it’s important to set clear boundaries. Limit exposure to negative news, toxic people, or overwhelming commitments that drain your energy. Say no when necessary. It’s okay to decline additional requests that add extra stress during a difficult time. Saying no allows you to focus on what truly matters and keeps you from overextending yourself.
If possible, postpone major decisions (such as moving or changing jobs) until you feel more grounded. This prevents rash choices driven by anxiety rather than clear thinking. Instead, focus on making smaller, more manageable decisions. Making simple choices helps restore a sense of control without adding extra pressure.
9. Practice Gratitude
Shift your focus to being grateful.During a life crisis, it’s easy to obsess about what’s going wrong. Practicing gratitude, even for small things, helps reframe your mindset. Each day, write down three things you’re grateful for, morning and evening. This will boost your mood and reduce feelings of helplessness. Also be thankful for your own talents, skills and strengths. This reinforces your ability to cope and adapt during challenging times.
10. Less Self-Criticism, More Self-Compassion
During a life crisis, it’s easy to blame yourself for things going wrong or feel like you’re not handling the situation well enough. Self-compassion reminds you that it’s okay to struggle and that you don’t have to have everything figured out. By quieting that harsh inner critic, you reduce feelings of shame or guilt that often arise when control is lost. Accepting your limitations and imperfections without judgment makes it easier to regain emotional stability.
Here are the journaling prompts I use to get clarity (and courage! ) when I struggle to cope with the feeling of losing control during a life crisis:
I also use these during my Your Next Chapter after a Life Transition Retreats, designed to empower you to make a fresh start while walking a section of the Camino de Santiago de Compostela through noble vineyards, wild meadows, lush orchards and quiet woods. (It’s my 7-day Signature Retreat.)
1. “What aspects of my current situation are within my control, and how can I take small, actionable steps to influence them?”
Purpose: This prompt encourages you to focus on what you can control in your life, even in a crisis. By identifying small actions, you regain a sense of purpose and direction.
Why it helps: Breaking down your challenges into manageable pieces can reduce overwhelm and empower you to take charge of what’s within reach.
2. “How have I overcome life crises in the past, and what strengths or strategies did I use that I can apply now?”
Purpose: Reflecting on past resilience helps you recognize that you’ve successfully navigated challenges before and have the inner strength to do so again.
Why it helps: Remembering your own resourcefulness reminds you that even when life feels out of control, you’ve had the capacity to adapt and overcome, which can instil confidence and hope.
3. “What can I learn from this life crisis? How could this experience help me grow emotionally, mentally, or spiritually?”
Purpose: This prompt shifts your mindset from seeing the crisis as destructive to identifying it as an opportunity for growth.
Why it helps: A growth mindset encourages you to look beyond the immediate pain or fear and focus on long-term personal development, giving meaning to your experience and reducing feelings of helplessness.
4. “What emotions am I experiencing right now, and how can I offer myself kindness and compassion as I navigate these feelings?”
Purpose: This prompt allows you to process your emotions without judgment and encourages self-compassion.
Why it helps: Acknowledging your feelings instead of suppressing them fosters emotional healing. By pairing this with self-compassion, you create a nurturing internal environment that helps reduce stress and overwhelm.
5. “Who in my life can I turn to for support, and how can I open myself up to receiving help during this time?”
Purpose: This prompt encourages you to reflect on your support network and how you can allow others to help you during challenging times.
Why it helps: A Life Crisis often leads to isolation, but acknowledging the support available to you and taking steps to seek it reminds you that you don’t have to go through this alone. Reaching out for help can restore a sense of connection and reduce the feeling of being overwhelmed.
Tips for Effective Journaling:
Be Honest with Yourself: Allow your thoughts and feelings to flow freely without self-editing or self-judgement.
Create a Routine: Set aside dedicated time each day or week for journaling to establish a consistent practice.
Use All Your Senses: Engage your senses in your writing to make your reflections more vivid and impactful.
Revisit Your Entries: Periodically read past entries to observe your progress and gain new insights.
Building Resilience in the Face of Uncertainty
While it may be impossible to avoid loss of control during a major life crisis, it is possible to learn how to cope, adapt, and eventually regain a sense of direction. The key lies in focusing on what you can control, being mindful of your emotional state, and seeking support when needed. If you need further help, join us for a Your Next Chapter after a Life Transition Retreat here in the southwest of France.
