Pierre stared at the email on his phone screen with the particular despair of someone who’d just watched their dreams get bureaucratically slaugthered. Again.
“Re: Mobile Food Service Permit Application #2847-B. Unfortunately, we require additional documentation regarding…”
He stopped reading. There were seventeen more paragraphs. There were always at least seventeen more paragraphs.
Behind him, his food truck La Route Épicée, painted an optimistic orange-and-yellow, equipped with a state-of-the-art kitchen he’d gone into serious debt for, sat immobile in a parking lot on the outskirts of Bayonne. It had been sitting there for three months. Three months of paperwork. Three months of “just one more form.” Three months of watching the Christmas market season—the lucrative, business-saving Christmas market season approach.
His phone rang. Maïa.
“You got the email,” she said. Not a question.
“How did you—”
“Because I know that sound you just made. The sound of a man being slowly strangled by French bureaucracy. Come to the shop. I have chocolate. Also, I have a plan.”
“I don’t need chocolate, I need a permit—”
“Everyone needs chocolate. Especially people lying to themselves about not needing chocolate.”
Maïa’s chocolaterie sat in the heart of old Bayonne, all exposed stone and wooden beams, the air thick with the smell of cocoa and caramelised sugar.
Maïa stood behind the counter wearing an apron that said “La Vie est Courte, Mangez du Chocolat“—life is short, eat chocolate. She was thirty-two, Pierre’s age, and had somehow managed to build a successful business while he was fighting self-righteous bureaucrats who seemed to have a vendetta against him, personally.
She slid a plate across the counter. Three pieces of dark chocolate, each topped with something unexpected: espelette pepper, fleur de sel, smoked paprika.
“Eat,” she commanded. “Then we talk about your terrible decision-making.”
Somewhat miffed, Pierre nevertheless ate. The chocolate was perfect—bitter, complex, the pepper building slowly at the back of his throat.
“You’re wasting your time,” Maïa said.
“Excuse me?”
“The permit. You’re fighting a system designed to make you quit. It’s nearly November. Even if you got approved tomorrow—which you won’t—you’d miss the entire Christmas season. Face it: your food truck is dead until January.”
Pierre felt something crack in his chest. Hearing it said out loud made it heart-wrenchingly real.
“So what am I supposed to do? Give up? Go back to working in someone else’s kitchen?”
“Non.” Maïa leaned forward. “You take a stand at the Chocolate Fair.”
The Salon du Chocolat de Bayonne—Bayonne’s famous chocolate fair. Chocolatiers from across the Basque Country and beyond set up elaborate stalls. Thousands of people attended. It was, essentially, chocolate Disneyland.
“I don’t make chocolate, Maïa. I make—”
“Fusion cuisine that nobody can try because your truck is a very expensive parking ornament. I know.” She pulled out her phone, showed him photos. “I have a double stall this year. Very prestigious, corner position. I’m offering you half. You make a small menu—four dishes, maybe five—incorporating Basque chocolate. Savoury, sweet, whatever your brain comes up with. We split the space, split the costs, you get access to my permits and my suppliers.”
“That’s not my concept—”
“Your concept is currently sitting in a parking lot, making no money AT ALL and crushing your soul. This is called adaptation. Also called not being a complete idiot.” The joy of having friends who don’t beat around the bush.
Pierre looked at the chocolate on the counter. At Maïa’s face—determined, certain, the expression of someone who’d already decided this was happening and was just waiting for him to catch up.
“I don’t know anything about cooking with chocolate.”
“Good thing your best friend is a chocolatier then, isn’t it?”
There were only five days left until the fair opened.
Maïa’s kitchen became a laboratory of taste bud destroying disasters. Pierre’s first attempt—duck confit with chocolate mole—was so rich it felt like eating velvet-covered concrete. His second—chocolate-espelette glazed pork belly—set off the smoke alarm and made Maïa’s assistant cry (probably from the pepper, though it was hard to tell). The third attempt—chocolate-infused squid ink risotto—looked like something dredged from the bottom of a gothic lake and tasted, according to Maïa, “like the ocean had a nervous breakdown and decided to punish humanity.” They tried to feed it to Maïa’s neighbour’s cat, who sniffed it once and walked away with visible disdain.
The chocolate and anchovy croquettes that were theoretically sound—salty, bitter, fried—but in practice tasted like Pierre had weaponised the concept of umami. Maïa took one bite, held up her hand for silence, chewed thoughtfully, then said, “I think you’ve created something that violates the Geneva Convention.”
“You’re thinking too complicated,” she said, rescuing the pork belly before it became charcoal. “This is Basque Country. People want familiar made interesting, not interesting made incomprehensible.”
“I don’t do familiar. I do fusion—”
“Fusion is just familiar ingredients having an identity crisis. Stop fighting your location. Use it.”
She handed him a bar of her signature dark chocolate—70% cacao from Cameroonian beans, made in Bayonne for three generations. “Start here. What does this taste like?”
Pierre closed his eyes, let the chocolate melt on his tongue. “Earth. Smoke. Something almost savoury.”
“Exactement. So use it that way. Think: what grows here? What do people eat here? How does chocolate fit?”
By day three, they had it:
Txistorra sausage with a chocolate-red wine reduction. The sausage—spicy, fatty, distinctly Basque—cut by the bittersweet depth of Maïa’s chocolate and local Irouléguy wine.
Pan-seared foie gras with a chocolate-and-pear compote. Controversial, decadent, impossible to stop eating.
Marmitako—traditional Basque tuna stew—finished with a square of dark chocolate that melted into the broth, adding complexity without sweetness.
And for dessert: gâteau Basque reimagined, filled with chocolate-cherry cream, topped with candied espelette.
“This,” Maïa said, tasting the tuna stew on day four, “this is what you should have been making all along. This is you, but also Basque. Fusion that makes sense.”
Pierre stared at her. “You just revolutionised my entire business concept in a kitchen the size of a closet.”
“Eh oui, so I did. You’re welcome. Also, dinner is on you tonight.”
That year, the Chocolate Fair exploded with people—locals, tourists, families with children hopped up on sugar samples, serious foodies with notebooks, everyone drawn by the smell of chocolate handmade-with-love and Pierre’s sausages sizzling on Maïa’s portable burner.
Their stall looked like controlled chaos. Maïa’s chocolates on one side—elegant, precisely arranged—Pierre’s pop-up kitchen on the other, steam rising, plates moving, the scent of his cooking cutting through the sweetness like a jazz note in a symphony.
By noon, they’d sold out of the foie gras.
By three, the tuna stew was gone.
By five, people were queuing thirty deep, phones out, taking photos of Pierre’s dishes, of Maïa’s chocolates, of the sign Pierre had hastily made: “Basque Fusion—La Route Épicée@Maïa Chocolaterie.”
A food critic from Sud Ouest approached tentatively, tasted everything, took notes with an expression that revealed nothing and everything. A chef from San Sebastián tried the txistorra, closed his eyes, and said something in rapid Euskara that made Maïa laugh.
“What did he say?”
“That you’ve finally stopped being a Parisian chef pretending to understand the Basque Country and started being a Basque chef with a few promising ideas.”
Pierre wasn’t sure if that was a compliment or an insult. Didn’t matter—the man bought six portions to take back to his restaurant.
By closing time, they were exhausted, depleted, covered in chocolate and olive oil and the particular satisfaction of having fed several hundred people something they’d remember. For a long time.
Maïa produced a bottle from under the counter. Patxaran—traditional Basque sloe berry liqueur, dark red, smelling of anise and success.
“To adaptation,” she said, pouring two glasses.
“To friends with brilliant ideas,” Pierre countered.
They clinked glasses, drank, and watched the fair wind down around them—the lights, the people, the success that had materialised from desperation and friendship and Maïa’s refusal to let Pierre’s concept die in a parking lot.
Pierre’s phone buzzed. An email. He almost ignored it.
The food critic. Five stars. Photos of every dish. Final line: “La Route Épicée has found its route—and it runs directly through the Basque Country’s heart, with a stop at Maïa’s chocolaterie. Book ahead for January.”
“We’re doing this again,” Pierre said. “Not just Chocolate fairs in November. Christmas. New Year. Regular pop-ups. Your kitchen, my food, our collaboration.”
“Obviously. You think I’d let you go back to fighting permit applications alone? You’d starve.”
Pierre laughed, surveyed the disaster zone of their successful day, and thought about how sometimes the best business plan is just having someone who believes in you enough to hand you half their stall and say, “Now stop being stupid and cook.”
The Making Friends and Maintaining Friendships Masterplan
The holiday season is the perfect time to reconnect with old friends. Life transitions often pull us in different directions, but that doesn’t mean the bond is lost. Sometimes, reaching out after years apart can feel like picking up right where you left off.
Think about someone you’ve lost touch with—a friend who once meant a lot to you. What would it feel like to reconnect? You might just reignite a friendship that brings new joy and comfort.
Next time you’re stuck in a professional or creative crisis, reach out to a friend who understands your field—and be willing to accept help that looks different from what you imagined. Ask for advice. Accept the corner of someone’s stall, their kitchen, their contacts, their hard-won local knowledge. Be willing to adapt your vision to reality without abandoning what makes it yours.
Worst case scenario: Your collaboration doesn’t work, you spend a week trying something different, and you go back to your original plan with new insights.
Best case scenario: Your best friend revolutionises your entire business concept in five days, gives you access to their infrastructure and their community connections, challenges you to stop fighting your location and start using it, and accidentally creates a partnership that transforms both your businesses. You discover that adaptation isn’t failure—it’s evolution, and sometimes the thing you thought was a compromise (chocolate in your savoury dishes, a pop-up instead of a food truck, fusion that respects its foundation) becomes the signature that makes everything work. You learn that friendship in business isn’t just emotional support—it’s someone handing you half their stall and saying “stop being stubborn, cook something,” and refusing to let your dream die in a parking lot because bureaucracy is terrible, but giving up is worse.
If you’re currently stuck in bureaucratic hell or professional limbo with a dream that’s going nowhere, what would your Maïa tell you to do differently?
Newsletter Subscription
I’m still collecting subscriptions to my news letter with these post, so if you haven’t subscribed already and would you like to find out what type of friend you are, how well you know your friends or if you and a new friend really are compatible, subscribe my filling in your email address in the box below and I’ll send you a set of light-hearted quizzes, quotes and questions to help you do just that. Just fill in the form below and you’ll get immediate access to them all. You can unsubscribe from this list effortlessly and at any time. Included:
–How well do you know your Friends? Quiz – What is Your Friendship Style? and Are your Friendship Styles compatible? Quiz – 20 of the Most Inspiring Friends and Friendship Quotes and – 20 lighthearted Questions you can ask to get to know a new Friend
Discover how to build meaningful, lasting friendships and create a support system that truly has your back—delivered straight to your inbox!
Friends and Friendships
Discover how to build meaningful, lasting friendships and create a support system that truly has your back—delivered straight to your inbox! (newsletter subscription included)
Thank you so much!
More information about making friends and maintaining friendships (including the quizzes I mentioned) is on its way to you. You have also successfully subscribed to my newsletter.
I’ve lost count of the number of guests who have asked for the recipes of the dishes I serve during my retreats. I’ve finally gotten around to publishing my retreat recipe collection as an e-book. If you’re interested in nutrition, especially while you’re walking the Camino de Santiago, or you just love authentic French cuisine, here is a link to my ebook The Walking Gourmet: Essential Food Strategies for the French Camino de Santiago
Author Bio: Dr Margaretha Montagu – described as a “game changer”, “gifted healer”, “guiding light” and “life-enriching author” – is an experienced medical doctor, a certified NLP practitioner, a medical hypnotherapist, an equine-assisted psychotherapist (EAGALAcertified) and a transformational retreat leader who guides her clients through life transitions – virtually, or with the assistance of her Friesian and Falabella horses, at their home in the southwest of France.
Theme: The Importance of Making Friends and Maintaining Friendships during Difficult Times
Today’s Story: Au Café des Platanes
Friends as Chosen Family
The air outside the Café des Platanes smelled like caramelised sugar, finest dark roast coffee, and old radiators working overtime against the sudden cold. A hand-lettered sign propped up in the window read “Atelier d’Écriture Créative—Tout Les Mardis à 19h” with a small fountain pen sketched beneath it.
Outside, Natalie was trying to keep her footing on the treacherous cobblestones. Through the steamed-up glass, she could see four women already seated at a corner table. Behind her, a group of laughing people was setting up the Christmas market on the town’s central square—wooden chalets strung with garlands, the smell of roasting chestnuts drifting on the cold air, someone testing speakers with a crackly recording of French carols.
She clutched her A4-sized notebook, containing a random collection of half-finished stories, against her chest like a shield.
You don’t have to go in, her brain offered helpfully. You could walk to the boulangerie, buy a croissant aux amandes, go home to your rented apartment, and curl up on the sofa with your cat and a chocolat chaud.
But her sister in London had been annoyingly insistent during their last video call: “You need to get out more. Mingle. Meet people. Join some groups. You moved to France to start a new chapter, not to become a hermit in a French flat, however cosy and comfortable.”
Natalie pushed open the door.
The brass bell above it jangled. Heads turned. The café was pleasantly warm, despite the struggling heaters, all three-legged wooden tables and mismatched wooden chairs, strings of white lights woven around exposed beams. The room was dominated by a huge Christmas tree decorated with vintage postcards. A dog was fast asleep in a basket next to the roaring fireplace. French jazz played softly from speakers that had probably been installed in 1977.
“Bonsoir, Madame et bienvenue!” A woman with silver-streaked hair in a violet scarf waved enthusiastically. “Vous êtes là pour l’atelier de l’écriture? Sorry, you’re here for the writing? I’m Patricia. British, been here twelve years, still can’t properly conjugate a single irregular verb. Sit, sit—Marc will bring you something to drink.”
Marc, presumably the owner, appeared with a knowing smile and a café crème.
The other women introduced themselves: Amara, French-Senegalese, with box braids and paint-stained fingers, who’d recently moved down from Paris; Jin, Korean-American, speaking careful French with a perfect accent that suggested expensive language lessons; Sophie, French, roughly Natalie’s age, wearing a sweatshirt that said “J’ai des sentiments mitigés” and holding a large glass of dark red wine; and Lisa, Austrian, who still missed her children who had moved to Vienna and Stuttgart ten years ago.
“I’m Natalie. American. Moved here three months ago.” She settled into a chair that was actually comfortable, unlike the avarage plastic torture device in every community centre she’d ever entered in the States.
“Right,” Patricia said, adding sugar to her espresso with the dedication of someone who’d given up pretending to like it bitter, “who brought something to share?”
Silence. Outside, someone was hanging lights in the plane trees. The Christmas market music drowned out the café’s jazz—an accordion version of “Petit Papa Noël.”
“Right,” Patricia said. “First meeting nerves. perfectly understandable. Maybe we should start with why we’re here? I’ll go first. I’m recently widowed, my children in Manchester think I should sell this house and move into one of those ghastly retirement communities, and I’d rather eat my own boots. I’ve always wanted to write, but spent forty years convinced I had nothing interesting to say. Then Roger died last Christmas Eve—horrible timing—and suddenly I found I had rather a lot to say.”
The silence shifted—still dense, but less defensive. Someone’s phone buzzed. The dog in the basket snored.
“I’m going through a divorce,” Natalie heard herself say. “I used to write. Before I got married and somehow forgot I was a person with interests beyond making dinner reservations and pretending my husband’s jokes were funny.”
Sophie raised her glass of wine in a sardonic toast. “Similar situation, different catastrophe. Broke up with my boyfriend of seven years. He kept the Paris apartment, and I got the ancestral house in the countryside that needs new plumbing and possibly an exorcist. I know exactly four people here: my notaire, my pharmacist, the woman at the tabac, and the man who delivers my Amazon packages and definitely judges my life choices.”
Jin laughed softly. “Corporate burnout. Silicon Valley tech startup, eighty-hour weeks, stock options I never cashed because I was too busy building someone else’s dream. Had a panic attack during a funding presentation, decided France sounded ‘interesting,’ applied for a skills visa. My mother in Seoul is thrilled I’m finally ‘finding myself.’ She hopes it’s a phase.”
“Cancer,” Amara said simply, and the word landed like a stone in still water. Marc, delivering more coffee, squeezed her shoulder gently. “Courage, ma belle.” She smiled up at him. “Finished treatment in September. Everyone keeps congratulating me like I won a competition, but mostly I feel like someone took me apart and put me back together without looking at the instruction manual. Missing pieces, extra pieces in weird places. I’m trying to figure out who this version is.”
Lisa was last. She folded her hands around her steaming tea—something herbal that smelled like Christmas spices. “Empty nest. Both children long grown and gone, living in cities I can barely afford to visit. Husband and I looked at each other across the breakfast table six months ago and realised we’d forgotten how to talk about anything except the children. So I came here—this was my grandmother’s house, left to me. He stayed in Austria. We’re… figuring it out.”
Patricia looked around the table at this mismatched collection of women. “Well,” she said, a smile crinkling the corners of her eyes. “at least we have lots of life experience. Writers need material. Nothing says ‘compelling narrative’ like an existential crisis during the most wonderful time of the year.”
Someone giggled nervously. Soon they were all laughing, with relief mostly, at not having to pretend everything was magical just because there were Christmas lights everywhere.
“Right,” Patricia said, pulling out a battered Moleskine. “I brought a short story. It’s probably dreadful. It’s about a woman who ‘accidentally’ destroys her husband’s antique cricket bat collection.”
“I need to hear this immediately,” Sophie said, refilling her wine glass.
Soon, they developed habits.
Patricia always arrived first, claiming the corner table near the radiator. Marc would have their usual drinks ready—café crème for Natalie, espresso for Patricia, dark Madiran wine for Sophie (“An acquired taste,” she insisted), ginger tea for Lisa, and hot, melted chocolate for Amara, who said after chemo everything else tasted like metal. Jin brought pastries—sometimes kouign-amann from the Breton bakery, sometimes pain aux raisins, once an entire galette des rois, even though it was barely December. Amara sketched in the margins while people read, creating tiny illustrations of their stories. Lisa had started bringing stollen from the German bakery one town over. Sophie appointed herself sommelier, bringing different wines each week and explaining their terroir with the seriousness of someone who’d grown up in wine country. Natalie, who’d barely spoken that first week, now brought printed copies of her work, her confidence growing like a seed tentatively reaching toward the light.
They wrote about everything. Amara wrote speculative fiction where women with bodies that had betrayed them transformed into creatures with wings. Jin wrote sharp, funny essays about the tech world that had chewed her up. Lisa wrote aching pieces about the rooms filled with ghosts her children left behind. Sophie wrote experimental poetry that made no sense grammatically in either French or English but somehow captured exactly what heartbreak felt like at 3 AM in an empty house that creaked with loneliness. Patricia was working on a novel about a woman who started by destroying her husband’s cricket bat collection and then moved on to ever more ambitious targets.
“It’s very therapeutic,” Patricia explained.
“It’s slightly concerning,” Jin said.
“Et alors?” Patricia teased.
Natalie wrote about divorce, but sideways—stories about women who woke up in different countries, living different lives, in different dimensions where they’d made different choices. Stories about becoming unrecognisable to yourself in foreign languages.
“These are good,” Amara said after Natalie finished reading one evening. Outside, the Christmas market was still in full swing—carousel music drifting across the square, the smell of vin chaud and croustade, children shrieking with joy near the ice rink they’d set up. “Like, actually good. Vraiment. You should submit this somewhere.”
“Oh, I don’t know—”
“Submit it,” Sophie said firmly. “We’re not doing that thing where we diminish our own work because we’re women who were socialised to apologise for existing, in three languages.”
The meetings stretched longer. Till eight, then nine, then Marc would finally start stacking chairs around them, and they’d realise it was past eleven and he wanted to go home. They exchanged phone numbers. Started a WhatsApp group that soon featured the best writing memes, recipe exchanges and 2 AM messages like “cannot sleep, obsessing about mortality, someone send cat videos.”
When Natalie’s ex-husband got engaged, she texted the group at 11 PM: Is it normal to want to set things on fire? Asking for a friend.
Five responses came within minutes: Very normal (Patricia) What things? Be specific (Jin) I’m bringing wine (Sophie) Coming over with cookies straight-from-the-oven (Lisa) Already in my car, be there in 10 (Amara)
They all showed up at her flat. Brought wine, melt-in-the-mouth cookies, and Patricia’s latest chapter, which involved increasingly creative uses of sporting equipment as murder weapons.
“I’m fine,” Natalie said, which was a lie, and they all knew it.
“Bien sûr,” Lisa said, opening the wine. “That’s why we’re here. To be fine together.”
They stayed until 2 AM, reading terrible reviews of her ex-husband’s favourite restaurant aloud in dramatic voices, workshop-editing Patricia’s murder scene (“More visceral! More conviction!”), and letting Natalie cry when she finally stopped pretending she wasn’t going to. Outside, everything was silent except for the wind whipping around the bare branches of sleeping trees and the distant sound of church bells marking the hour.
On Christmas Eve, they met at Patricia’s house, which smelled of pine needles, woodsmoke, and pain d’épices. Candles flickered on every surface. And over the fireplace, stockings hung—six of them, each in a different fabric, clearly handmade.
“I may have gotten carried away,” Patricia said, catching Natalie’s look.
Each stocking had a name stitched on it: Patricia. Amara. Jin (in Hangul). Sophie. Lisa. Natalie.
Something in Natalie’s chest cracked open.
They settled into Patricia’s living room with champagne and sablés and the particular comfort of a space warmed by both fire and friendship.
They talked about the year, about survival, about the strange gift of falling apart in good company in a foreign country where even buying stamps was an adventure.
“I joined this group,” Natalie said quietly, “because I was desperately lonely and my sister threatened to fly here and physically drag me to social events. I thought I was coming to practice writing in my second language.”
“Plot twist,” Sophie said. “Tu as trouvé une famille.”
“Very Hallmark Channel of us,” Jin added.
“I’m serious. A year ago, I didn’t know any of you. I was married and miserable in a different country. I thought moving to France would fix me, or at least give me a better choice of cheese while I figured my life out. And instead I found—” She gestured helplessly at the room, the stockings, the faces watching her with understanding from four different continents. “This.”
“Through the universal language of the written word,” Patricia said. Somewhere in the house, a clock chimed midnight.
Outside, church bells rang Christmas Eve into being. Marc texted the group chat a photo of the café’s Christmas tree with the message “Joyeux Noël, mes écrivaines préférées,” and somewhere in the warmth of that room was every good reason to keep showing up, keep trying, keep believing that the best things in life often come disguised as Tuesday night writing groups in cafés that smell like coffee and caramel and hope.
“Mardi prochain?” Lisa asked.
“Mardi prochain,” they agreed.
Today, join one group—online or in person—centred around something you genuinely care about, even if (especially if) you’re going through a difficult time and even if it’s in a language you’re still learning. Book club. Writing group. Hiking club. Cooking class. Language exchange. Art workshop. Choir. Whatever sparks even mild interest. Worst case scenario: You spend a few Tuesday evenings with people who share one interest, stumble through conversations in mixed languages, and decide it’s not for you. Best case scenario: You walk into a café and walk out six months later with five people from four continents who have stockings with your name on them, who show up at midnight when you’re falling apart, who become the family you didn’t know you were building while you thought you were just learning to write better dialogue in your second language. Tuesday after Tuesday, story after story, crisis after crisis, until one day you realise you’re not alone anymore in this foreign country and you haven’t been for a while, and the word “home” suddenly means something different than it did when you arrived.
Making Friends and Maintaining Friendships Masterplan
The holidays can highlight the importance of family, especially if you’re going struggling through a major life crisis, but for some, traditional family relationships may feel strained or distant. This is where friends can become your chosen family—a group of people who truly see, accept, and support you.
Maybe take a moment to appreciate the friends who’ve stepped into that role in your life? These relationships are a testament to the idea that family isn’t always about blood—it’s about love, loyalty, and shared experiences.
How well do you know your new friends? If you and a new friend are really compatible? For my Radical Renaissance students, I have created a set of light-hearted quizzes, quotes and questions about frienship, as I firmly believe a strong support group is invaluable in a crisis. Just fill in the form below and you’ll get immediate access to them all. I’ll also add you to my newsletter list, though you can unsubscribe from this list effortlessly and at any time. Included:
– How well do you know your Friends? Quiz
– What is Your Friendship Style? and Are your Friendship Styles compatible? Quiz
– 20 of the Most Inspiring Friends and Friendship Quotes and
– 20 lighthearted Questions you can ask to get to know a new Friend
Discover how to build meaningful, lasting friendships and create a support system that truly has your back—delivered straight to your inbox!
Friends and Friendships
Discover how to build meaningful, lasting friendships and create a support system that truly has your back—delivered straight to your inbox! (newsletter subscription included)
Thank you so much!
More information about making friends and maintaining friendships (including the quizzes I mentioned) is on its way to you. You have also successfully subscribed to my newsletter.
I put the essence of who I am, and everything I have experienced that makes me who I am, with great enthusiasm, into my retreats, courses and books. – Dr Margaretha Montagu (MBChB, MRCGP, NLP master pract (cert,) Transformational Life Coach (dip,) Life Story Coach (cert) Counselling (cert,) Med Hypnotherapy (dip) and EAGALA (cert)
The counterintuitive mindfulness practice that’s revolutionising how we handle stress, make decisions, and reclaim our sanity
Micro-meditations are bite-sized mindfulness practices lasting anywhere from 30 seconds to five minutes that can be seamlessly woven into your workday. For time-strapped executives and entrepreneurs drowning in back-to-back meetings, ping-ponging between crises, and perpetually three steps behind their to-do lists, these miniature mental resets offer surprising stress relief. Think of them as espresso shots for your nervous system, minus the jitters. This article explores what micro-meditations actually are, whether the science backs them up, and how they might just save your sanity whilst boosting your bottom line. Plus, there’s a cautionary tale about a chap named Marcus who learned this lesson the hard way.
Micro-meditations has been a life-saver for me, I don’t think my business would have survived without it.
Five Key Takeaways
Micro-meditations are brief mindfulness practices (1-5 minutes) that fit seamlessly into the busiest schedules and require no special equipment or training.
The research is compelling: Studies show consistent micro-meditation practice can reduce workplace stress by 28%, improve sustained attention by 43%, and boost productivity by an average of 62 minutes per week.
They’re particularly powerful for entrepreneurs and executives, who face 50% higher rates of mental health challenges than the general population and make 80% of decisions based on emotions.
Even 1-2 minute practices create measurable brain changes, reducing amygdala reactivity (your brain’s alarm system) and activating the parasympathetic nervous system for immediate stress relief.
Consistency is more important than duration: Multiple brief sessions throughout the day can be more effective than one longer meditation for workplace wellbeing and sustained focus.
Introduction: The Pause That Pays Dividends
Here’s a radical thought for your overscheduled, perpetually-behind, caffeine-fuelled brain: what if the most productive thing you could do right now is absolutely nothing for precisely 90 seconds?
I know, I know. You haven’t got 90 seconds. You’ve got investor pitches to perfect, teams to manage, fires to extinguish, and that looming deadline that’s keeping you awake at 3 AM. The very notion of stopping feels dangerous, perhaps even reckless. After all, sharks die if they stop swimming, right? (Actually, that’s a myth, but that’ll have to be in another article.)
Yet here’s what two decades of running wellness retreats and my years as a medical doctor have taught me: the entrepreneurs and executives who resist pausing are often the ones hurtling fastest toward burnout. Research now confirms what I’ve witnessed time and again, those who practise micro-meditations demonstrate a 29% improvement in decision-making, experience significantly lower stress levels, and gain an average of 62 additional productive minutes each week.
Micro-meditations aren’t about transcendence or achieving some zen-like state of eternal calm (though wouldn’t that be lovely?). They’re about creating tiny pockets of intentional awareness throughout your day, brief moments where you stop reacting and start responding. They’re the difference between drowning in the overwhelm and surfing the waves of entrepreneurial chaos with something resembling grace.
Let me tell you about Marcus.
The Tale of Marcus and the Meeting That Never Ended
Marcus Thornbury hadn’t slept properly in four months, though he’d never admit it, not even to himself.
At 42, he’d built his fintech startup from a scribbled napkin idea into a Series B company with 47 employees, venture capital breathing down his neck, and competitors snapping at his heels. Success tasted metallic, like blood from biting your cheek, sharp and salty. His days blurred into a relentless sequence: morning standup at 7:30, product reviews at 9:00, investor calls at 11:00, strategy sessions at 2:00, crisis management (always, always crisis management) at 4:00, followed by after-hours emails that stretched until midnight.
This particular Tuesday started badly and accelerated downhill from there.
Marcus had spilled his double espresso on his laptop keyboard at 6:47 AM, the brown liquid seeping between the keys with cruel determination. The acrid smell of burnt coffee mingled with the sharp tang of his own sweat as he frantically dabbed at the keys with yesterday’s shirt. His hands trembled, not from the caffeine he hadn’t yet consumed, but from the accumulated exhaustion of a hundred sleepless nights.
By 10:00 AM, he was trapped in Conference Room B with his CFO, CTO, and head of product, arguing about whether to pivot their core offering or double down on their current strategy. Sarah, his CFO, kept citing burn rate statistics that made his chest tighten. Dev, his brilliant but maddeningly literal CTO, countered every suggestion with technical objections. Marcus could hear his own pulse throbbing in his ears, a dull whoosh-whoosh that drowned out coherent thought.
“Marcus? Marcus, are you even listening?” Sarah’s voice cut through the fog.
He wasn’t. He’d been staring at the motivational poster on the wall, “Innovate or Die,” watching the letters blur and refocus whilst his mind careened through worst-case scenarios. The conference room suddenly felt impossibly small, the recycled air thick and stale, tasting of old coffee and accumulated stress. The fluorescent lights hummed their maddening frequency above him. His shirt collar felt like a noose.
“I need five minutes,” Marcus said, standing abruptly. His chair scraped against the floor with a screech that made everyone wince. “Just… five minutes.”
He found himself in the tiny kitchenette, gripping the edge of the sink, knuckles white. The cold stainless steel was the only solid thing in his spinning world. Through the window, he watched September clouds drift past, indifferent to his crisis. A lorry rumbled by on the street below, its diesel exhaust wafting up, harsh and real.
That’s when Priya from marketing walked in.
“You look like I feel,” she said, reaching for the kettle. “Which is to say, terrible.”
Marcus attempted a laugh that came out more like a bark. “That obvious?”
“You’ve been wearing that same expression for three months.” She poured hot water over a tea bag, and the scent of chamomile bloomed between them, soft and incongruous against his panic. “Can I tell you something weird that’s been helping me?”
Marcus nodded, desperate.
“Ninety-second meditations. I learned it in this online storytelling circle I joined, of all places.” She glanced at her watch. “We’ve got time right now. Just humour me.”
What happened next would strike Marcus, later, as absurdly simple. Priya had him stand with his feet flat on the floor, “like you’re a tree, rooted,” she said. She guided him to place one hand on his chest, feeling the rise and fall of his breath. The warmth of his own palm against his sternum felt startling, intimate, like he was meeting himself for the first time in months.
“Breathe in for four. Hold for four. Out for four. Hold for four,” Priya murmured, her voice steady as a metronome.
At first, Marcus’s mind raced, cataloguing all the reasons this was nonsense, all the urgent matters waiting in Conference Room B. But somewhere around breath seven, something shifted. The tightness in his chest loosened by perhaps two degrees. By breath twelve, he noticed the smooth coolness of the sink still beneath his other hand, the distant sound of traffic, the ordinary miracle of his lungs doing what they’d done automatically for 42 years.
Ninety seconds. That’s all it took.
When Marcus returned to the meeting, something had changed. Not everything, certainly. The problems were still there, looming and complex. But he could suddenly see the space between the problems and his reaction to them. He could hear Sarah’s concerns without his nervous system treating them as existential threats. He could consider Dev’s technical constraints as information rather than obstacles.
They made their decision in 20 minutes flat.
Over the following weeks, Marcus built those 90-second pauses into his day. Before investor calls. Between meetings. When his inbox made his chest tight. It felt ridiculously small, almost embarrassingly simple. Yet the cumulative effect astonished him. His team noticed it first, “You seem… present?” his head of product ventured one afternoon, making it a question.
Six months later, Marcus would sign on for one of my Camino de Santiago Crossroads retreats, seeking to deepen what those miniature moments had awakened. But that’s his next chapter. This one belongs to the revelation that you don’t need to climb a mountain or spend a month in silence to find your centre. Sometimes you just need 90 seconds and the courage to pause.
What Exactly Are Micro-Meditations?
Let’s demystify this term that’s been floating around wellness circles and corporate boardrooms with equal enthusiasm.
Micro-meditations are precisely what they sound like: abbreviated mindfulness practices lasting anywhere from 30 seconds to five minutes that you can perform virtually anywhere, without special equipment, apps, or assuming the lotus position at your desk. They’re meditation’s pragmatic cousin, designed for the reality of modern work life rather than some idealised retreat scenario.
Think of traditional meditation as a full Sunday roast with all the trimmings, whilst micro-meditations are those perfectly-formed canapés at a cocktail party: small, satisfying, and you can have several throughout the evening. Both nourish, just in different ways and contexts.
The beauty lies in their accessibility. Whilst conventional wisdom once insisted that meaningful meditation required 20-30 minutes of uninterrupted silence, emerging research reveals that brief, consistent practices can actually be more effective for workplace wellbeing than occasional longer sessions. The reason? Sustainability and compound effects.
The Science Behind the Brevity
Here’s where it gets fascinating, and where my medical background makes me particularly evangelical about this practice.
Research from the University of Wisconsin-Madison demonstrates that even 1-2 minute mindfulness practices can measurably reduce amygdala reactivity, essentially calming your brain’s alarm system that triggers stress responses. When your amygdala is constantly firing, you’re operating in a state of perpetual threat detection, which is exhausting and clouds decision-making.
Studies published in 2024 revealed that employees maintaining consistent micro-meditation practices for just 12 weeks showed remarkable improvements: a 43% enhancement in sustained attention tasks, 32% reduction in workplace conflicts, 27% increase in creative problem-solving scores, and 38% decrease in sick days taken. These aren’t marginal gains; they’re transformative shifts that ripple through every aspect of professional life.
Even more compelling for time-pressed entrepreneurs, Aetna’s corporate mindfulness programme found that participants gained an average of 62 minutes of productivity per week, translating to over 3,000 minutes annually from a minimal daily investment. That’s essentially buying back an entire work week through practices that collectively take less time than your morning commute.
Why Entrepreneurs Need This More Than Most
If you’re running a startup or leading a company, pay particular attention here.
Research shows entrepreneurs face mental health challenges at rates 50% higher than the general population, grappling with unique pressures that come with leadership. The emotional volatility of startup life, where setbacks arrive with brutal regularity, means founders need tools for emotional regulation that are both powerful and portable.
Here’s a sobering statistic: emotions drive 80% of our decisions and actions. For leaders making high-stakes choices daily, the ability to create space between emotional reactions and strategic responses isn’t just nice to have; it’s essential for survival. Micro-meditations provide precisely this skill, helping founders separate temporary hurdles from core mission and identity.
Studies focusing specifically on mindful leaders show they demonstrate 29% improvement in decision-making and strategic thinking, stemming from enhanced ability to focus and empathise with their teams. This translates directly to increased employee engagement and lower turnover rates, two metrics that profoundly impact your bottom line.
Practical Techniques You Can Start Today
The genius of micro-meditations lies in their simplicity. Here are several evidence-based techniques you can implement immediately:
The Four-Four-Four Breath: Inhale for four counts, hold for four, exhale for four, hold for four, then repeat for 90 seconds. This box breathing pattern activates your parasympathetic nervous system, triggering the relaxation response.
The Desk Body Scan: Sitting with feet flat and hands resting comfortably, spend two minutes mentally scanning from toes to head, noticing areas of tension without trying to change them. This builds awareness and often spontaneously releases held stress.
The Meeting Transition Pause: Take three intentional breaths between commitments, setting a brief intention for the next engagement. This prevents you from carrying emotional residue from one interaction into the next.
Mindful Technology Use: Before opening your email or checking Slack, take 30 seconds to notice your breath and set an intention for how you want to engage. This tiny pause prevents reactive doom-scrolling and maintains agency.
The key is consistency over duration. Multiple brief sessions scattered throughout your day create cumulative benefits that surpass what most busy professionals can sustain with longer, infrequent practices.
The Compound Effect: Small Practices, Substantial Results
What I’ve observed in two decades of retreat work, and what the research now confirms, is that micro-meditations operate on a compound interest model.
Each brief practice creates what researchers call a “state change,” interrupting autopilot mode and returning you to present awareness. Individually, these moments might seem insignificant. Collectively, they fundamentally alter how you navigate your day, your decisions, and ultimately, your life trajectory.
Companies embracing micro-meditation initiatives report not just individual benefits but organisational transformation. Aetna’s programme, for instance, saw 28% decrease in stress levels and 20% improvement in sleep quality amongst participants. The ripple effects touched team dynamics, customer relationships, and innovation capacity.
This isn’t about achieving some permanent state of unshakeable calm (which, frankly, sounds rather boring). It’s about building resilience, the capacity to bend without breaking under pressure. It’s about reclaiming agency in a world designed to keep you reactive, scattered, and perpetually behind.
Further Reading: Three Essential Books
“Wherever You Go, There You Are” by Jon Kabat-Zinn: I’ve recommended this classic to countless retreat participants and storytelling circle members because Kabat-Zinn, founder of the secular mindfulness movement in the West, makes meditation accessible without stripping it of depth. His writing feels profoundly grounding, balancing intellectual rigour with deep humanity. For executives resistant to anything that feels “too Buddhist or mystical,” this book presents mindfulness as common sense rather than spiritual practice, whilst offering brief chapters perfect for busy schedules.
“The Miracle of Mindfulness” by Thich Nhat Hanh: Vietnamese monk Thich Nhat Hanh writes with such gentle wisdom that even the most sceptical entrepreneur finds themselves softening. This slender volume focuses on integrating mindfulness into everyday activities, washing dishes, drinking tea, walking from your car to your office, making it ideal for understanding how micro-meditations weave into ordinary life. His approach emphasises that practice doesn’t require retreating from the world but rather engaging more fully with it.
“Buddha’s Brain: The Practical Neuroscience of Happiness, Love & Wisdom” by Rick Hanson: For the data-driven leaders who need to understand the mechanism behind the method, neuropsychologist Dr. Hanson brilliantly bridges neuroscience and contemplative practice. He explains precisely how mindfulness rewires neural pathways, offering bite-sized exercises and “brain breaks” specifically designed for common challenges like anxiety and decision fatigue. This book transforms micro-meditations from woo-woo to actionable neurobiology, which can be tremendously reassuring for analytical minds.
A Word from the Storytelling Circle
“I joined Margaretha’s online Storytelling Circle expecting to work on my presentation skills, and somehow ended up with something far more valuable. She introduced us to these tiny meditation practices, literally 60-90 seconds, before we’d begin sharing our stories. I was sceptical, thought it was a bit precious, honestly. But I started using them before difficult client calls and board meetings. The difference has been remarkable, I’m calmer, more articulate, and I’ve noticed my team responding differently to my leadership. These micro-moments have become non-negotiable parts of my workday. Who knew that learning to tell better stories would teach me to live a better one?” — James K., Tech Entrepreneur, London
Five Sharp FAQs
Can micro-meditations really make a difference if they’re so brief? Yes, and the research is unequivocal on this point. Studies show that consistent brief practices (1-5 minutes) can reduce amygdala reactivity, decrease cortisol levels, and improve focus just as effectively as longer sessions for workplace applications. The key is consistency; multiple short practices throughout the day often outperform single longer sessions because they’re more sustainable and create repeated “state changes” that interrupt stress accumulation.
How often should I practise micro-meditations at work? Aim for 3-5 brief sessions strategically placed throughout your day: upon arriving at work, before important meetings or calls, during natural transition points (lunch, between tasks), and before leaving for home. The beauty is flexibility; even twice daily provides measurable benefits, whilst more frequent practice compounds results. Research suggests that consistency matters more than frequency.
What if I can’t quiet my mind or I’m too distracted? Here’s the liberating truth: you’re not trying to empty your mind or achieve some blissed-out state. Micro-meditations aren’t about eliminating thoughts but rather noticing them without getting swept away. Distraction is normal; the practice is simply returning attention to your breath or body when you notice you’ve wandered. That returning is the practice, not a failure of it.
Do I need apps or guided recordings? Absolutely not, though they can be helpful if you prefer structure. The techniques described, breath counting, body scanning, intentional pausing, require nothing beyond your own awareness. This is partly why micro-meditations work so well for busy professionals; there’s zero barrier to entry. You can practise in a taxi, before presentations, or whilst your computer boots up.
How quickly will I notice benefits? Many people report feeling calmer and more focused after even a single practice session, experiencing immediate physiological changes as the nervous system shifts. However, the compound benefits, improved decision-making, enhanced emotional regulation, increased resilience, typically become noticeable within 2-4 weeks of consistent practice. Research showing substantial workplace improvements used 12-week timeframes, suggesting patience pays dividends.
Conclusion: The Power of the Pause
In a culture that glorifies busy-ness and treats rest as weakness, micro-meditations represent quiet rebellion. They’re your declaration that you’re more than your output, that sustainable success requires tending your inner landscape, and that 90 seconds of intentional awareness holds more value than 90 minutes of scattered reactivity.
After 20 years of guiding people through transformational retreats and witnessing countless executives arrive burnt out and leave renewed, I can tell you this with certainty: the entrepreneurs who thrive long-term aren’t necessarily the most driven or talented. They’re the ones who’ve learned to pause, to create space between stimulus and response, to access wisdom rather than just information.
Micro-meditations won’t solve all your problems (if only it were that simple). Your competitors will still compete. Your inbox will still overflow. Challenges will still arrive with dismaying regularity. But you’ll meet them differently, with more clarity, resilience, and perhaps even a bit of grace.
The invitation is simple: try it. Right now, before you click away from this article, take 90 seconds. Feel your feet on the floor. Notice three breaths. That’s it. You’ve just practised.
The transformation begins not in grand gestures but in these miniature moments of coming home to yourself, repeatedly, throughout your day.
A Bold Invitation: Walk Your Way to Renewal
If Marcus’s story resonated, if you’ve been running on empty whilst telling yourself you’ll rest “when things calm down” (spoiler: they never do), perhaps it’s time for something more substantial than stolen moments at your desk.
From March through November, I host seven-day Camino de Santiago Crossroads retreats in the breathtaking south-west of France, specifically designed for people standing at life’s transitions, launching new chapters, leaving behind what no longer serves, stepping toward what might. These aren’t your typical walking holidays; they’re transformational experiences that weave together gentle daily hikes through ancient pilgrimage routes, guided mindfulness and meditation practices (including, yes, micro-meditations you can take back to your boardrooms), and the profound healing that happens in storytelling circles.
We gather both online and in-person, sharing our stories around fires and over meals, discovering that we’re never as alone in our struggles as we imagined. I bring two decades of retreat leadership and my background as a medical doctor to create spaces where high-achievers can finally stop achieving and simply be. Where the only metric that matters is how you feel, not what you produce. Where the walking itself becomes meditation, each step a tiny practice of presence.
The Camino teaches what micro-meditations hint at: transformation happens not in giant leaps but in the accumulation of intentional steps. One foot in front of the other. One breath at a time. One story shared, then another, then another, until you remember who you are beneath all the doing.
What tiny pause might you build into tomorrow that could change everything? I’d love to hear what resonates, or what you’re already doing to create space in your overscheduled days. Drop a comment below.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or on the edge of burnout, you need immediate support. The Road Map to Resilience: Burnout to Brilliance online course (with the option of adding coaching sessions) is designed for exactly that: a practical, step-by-step course to help you regain control, rebuild your energy, and find clarity in the chaos. This isn’t a quick fix—it’s about proven strategies to calm your nervous system, shift your mindset, and create sustainable resilience. No need to cope with this on your own—let’s get you back on track.
“I am an experienced medical doctor – MBChB, MRCGP, NLP master pract cert, Transformational Life Coach (dip.) Life Story Coach (cert.) Stress Counselling (cert.) Med Hypnotherapy (dip.) and EAGALA (cert.) I may have an impressive number of letters after my name, and more than three decades of professional experience, but what qualifies me to excel at what I do is my intuitive understanding of my clients’ difficulties and my extensive personal experience of managing major life changes using strategies I developed over many years.” Dr M Montagu
At a Glance: You know that peculiar knot in your stomach that appears around 4pm on Sunday? The one that whispers, “Monday’s coming,” with all the menace of a Dementor in a business suit? You’re not imagining it, you’re not weak, and you’re certainly not alone. This article explores why even successful people—yes, the ones with the corner offices and impressive LinkedIn profiles—experience the Sunday scaries and Blue Mondays with remarkable regularity. We’ll unpack the science, share an unforgettable story, and offer practical wisdom for breaking free from the weekly cycle of dread. Whether you’re a CEO or an entrepreneur building your dream, understanding this phenomenon is your first step towards reclaiming your weekends and transforming your Mondays.
Five Key Takeaways
The Sunday scaries affect 80% of professionals, with the anxiety typically peaking at 3:58pm on Sunday afternoons, making it a widespread biological and psychological response rather than a personal failing.
Monday stress is measurably different in your body, with research showing heightened cortisol levels and a 19% increase in cardiovascular events on Mondays compared to other days of the week.
Success doesn’t immunise you against anticipatory anxiety, which explains why even accomplished executives and entrepreneurs experience weekly dread despite loving their work and achieving remarkable results.
The transition shock between weekend freedom and weekday structure activates your fight-or-flight response, creating genuine physical symptoms including racing heartbeats, shallow breathing, and exhaustion.
Breaking the cycle requires addressing root causes, not just surface symptoms, including examining work-life boundaries, cognitive patterns, and the deeper question of alignment between your work and your purpose.
Introduction: The 4pm Sunday Apocalypse
Picture this: It’s Sunday afternoon, golden light slanting through the windows, the remains of a lovely lunch still on the table. You should be content. You’ve earned this rest. Yet there it is again—that familiar tightening in your chest, the mental fog rolling up like an unwelcome guest. Your mind begins its weekly inventory of everything waiting for you on Monday: the emails, the meetings, the decisions, the expectations.
Research shows this feeling typically kicks in around 3:58pm on Sundays, with such precision you’d think our bodies had been programmed by some cruel cosmic scheduler. The phenomenon has earned itself a name—the Sunday scaries—and if you’re experiencing it, you’re in remarkably good (or should I say, anxious) company.
Studies indicate that 80% of Americans experience the Sunday scaries, with higher rates amongst younger generations. But here’s what fascinates me: this isn’t just affecting people who hate their jobs. High achievers, successful entrepreneurs, beloved leaders—people who’ve worked incredibly hard to build careers they’re genuinely proud of—still find themselves dreading Monday morning with surprising intensity.
Why? And more importantly, what can we do about it?
Annie Willets’ Scary Story
Annie Willets sat in her tastefully appointed living room on a Sunday in late October. The room smelled of the cinnamon candles she’d lit earlier—her attempt at creating “hygge,” that Danish contentment she’d read about in one of those lifestyle magazines. Her hands cradled a cup of Earl Grey that had gone lukewarm twenty minutes ago, forgotten as her mind spiralled through Monday’s agenda like a tornado through a filing cabinet.
She could hear her children laughing in the garden, their voices bright as bells, and she wanted to go out there, to be present, to soak up these fleeting moments of their childhood. Instead, she sat frozen, her stomach performing acrobatics that would have impressed a Cirque du Soleil performer.
Annie was, by any reasonable measure, successful. At 42, she’d built a thriving consultancy firm that helped businesses navigate complex transformations. Her clients adored her. Her team respected her. She’d been featured in industry publications with titles like “The Woman Who Makes Change Happen.” Yet here she was, every Sunday without fail, feeling like a condemned prisoner counting down to execution.
The physical symptoms had become so predictable she could set her watch by them. First came the vague unease around lunchtime, subtle as a whisper. By 3pm, her shoulders had migrated up towards her ears, muscles taut as piano wire. Then came the nausea, the racing thoughts, the peculiar sensation of her skin feeling too tight for her body. Her husband, Tom, had stopped asking “What’s wrong?” because they both knew the answer: nothing specific, everything general, Sunday itself.
She’d tried all the recommended remedies. The Sunday evening yoga class (spent obsessing about Monday whilst pretending to find child’s pose relaxing). The elaborate meal planning (which only added “prep lunches for the week” to her mental load). The inspirational podcasts (which made her feel guilty for not being more grateful). Nothing touched the core of it.
What bewildered Annie most was the contradiction of it all. She genuinely loved her work. When she was in the thick of a challenging project, guiding a client through a breakthrough, she felt alive, purposeful, exactly where she was meant to be. So why did the mere anticipation of Monday feel like swallowing stones?
That particular Sunday, as the light continued its inevitable fade, Annie noticed something she’d never paid attention to before. Her youngest daughter, Grace, had come running in from the garden, cheeks flushed, leaves tangled in her hair, eyes shining with some magnificent discovery. “Mummy, come see! The spider built a web between the fence posts and the light’s making rainbows in it!”
Annie’s first thought—the one that arrived before she could intercept it—was: “I don’t have time. I need to review the presentation deck for tomorrow’s client meeting.”
But she caught herself. Sunday evening, nowhere she needed to be for another twelve hours, and her instinct was to refuse her daughter’s invitation to witness beauty. The realisation landed like a slap.
She followed Grace outside, the grass cool and slightly damp beneath her bare feet, the air carrying that peculiar October scent of decay and renewal intermingled. The spider’s web was indeed spectacular, stretched between two fence posts like nature’s own cathedral window, each strand catching the low sun and fracturing it into impossible colours.
“It’s extraordinary,” Annie whispered, crouching down to Grace’s height.
“Do you think she’s scared of Mondays?” Grace asked, with the kind of profound randomness that only seven-year-olds possess.
Annie laughed, surprising herself with the genuine sound of it. “I don’t think spiders have Mondays, darling.”
“Lucky,” Grace said solemnly, then ran off to find her brother.
Annie stayed there, studying that web, watching how it moved with the breeze, how remarkably resilient it was, how the spider had simply built what she needed and then settled in to wait with no apparent anxiety about what Monday morning might bring.
Later, when I heard Annie share this story in one of my storytelling circles—her voice catching as she described that moment of recognition—I saw heads nodding around the room. Successful people, creative people, people who’d built remarkable things, all of them trapped by the same invisible web of anticipatory dread, all of them forgetting to look at actual spider webs on Sunday evenings because they were too busy catastrophising about meetings that hadn’t happened yet.
Annie’s turning point came when she began to understand that her Sunday scaries weren’t really about Monday at all.
Understanding the Sunday Scaries: The Science of Anticipatory Dread
The Sunday scaries represent a form of anticipatory anxiety, which involves nervousness and dread about something that hasn’t happened yet. When you experience them, your adrenal glands release cortisol and adrenaline, flooding your system with stress hormones that create genuine physical symptoms—increased heart rate, difficulty breathing, headaches, and trouble sleeping.
What makes this phenomenon particularly insidious for successful executives and entrepreneurs is that it’s often unrelated to job satisfaction. Studies show that even employees who genuinely like their jobs experience Sunday night anxiety, which explains why Annie Willets could simultaneously love her work and dread the week ahead.
The transition from weekend relaxation to work mode represents a challenging 180-degree turn. During weekends, your cognitive load decreases significantly. No alarm clocks, no commutes, no boss checking in, no constant demands on your attention. Your nervous system settles into a different rhythm. Then Sunday evening arrives, and your body begins preparing for the dramatic shift back to high-performance mode.
Research indicates that 74% of those experiencing Sunday scaries report their feelings increased due to economic uncertainty, whilst 37% cite being more overwhelmed at work than ever before. For entrepreneurs and executives, these pressures compound. You’re not just responsible for your own performance; you’re often carrying the weight of entire teams, clients, stakeholders, and business outcomes.
The really sobering data? Research shows that far more heart attacks occur on Mondays and Sundays than on any other day of the week, suggesting that Sunday anxiety and Monday stress create genuine physiological risks. Studies across entire countries have found a 19% increase in the odds of sudden cardiac death from confirmed heart attacks and other cardiovascular events on Mondays.
Why Blue Mondays Hit High Achievers Particularly Hard
Here’s the paradox: the very qualities that make you successful—high standards, deep responsibility, commitment to excellence—also make you more vulnerable to Blue Mondays. Research suggests that the Monday blues affect how a person responds to stress, with people approaching and reacting to stressors differently at the beginning of the week than at the end.
Recent research has discovered that people who report feeling anxious on Mondays show evidence of heightened activity in the body’s stress-response system over months. Even more concerning, scientists have found that for some people, Monday anxiety becomes so routine that it becomes an automatic bodily response, one that persists even when the original trigger is gone.
This means years of Sunday scaries and Blue Mondays can literally reshape your stress response system, creating a conditioned reaction that continues even after circumstances change. It’s like Pavlov’s dog, except instead of salivating at a bell, you’re experiencing cortisol spikes at the mere sight of Sunday evening.
For entrepreneurs, there’s an additional layer. You chose this path. You built this business or career from nothing. You’re supposed to be living your dream, so admitting that Sunday evenings fill you with dread feels like betraying everything you’ve worked for. The shame compounds the anxiety.
Breaking Free: Addressing the Root Causes
Through my work with storytelling circles, I’ve watched countless successful people wrestle with this question: If I’m doing work I believe in, work that matters, work I chose—why does it still feel like Sunday evenings are trying to suffocate me?
The answer, I’ve discovered, usually isn’t about adding more self-care rituals or productivity hacks. It’s about examining some deeper questions:
Are you truly aligned with your purpose, or are you performing someone else’s definition of success? Sometimes we build impressive careers on foundations we never consciously chose. We inherit expectations—from family, from culture, from our younger selves who didn’t know what we know now. The Sunday scaries can be your inner wisdom whispering that something fundamental needs examination.
Have you created healthy boundaries, or have you let work colonise every corner of your life? The ability to truly switch off has become harder than ever, with many employees tempted to peek at emails or chat apps on Sunday to find out what the week will look like—which can worsen feelings of anxiety or dread. Technology has obliterated the walls between work and life, and for business owners, those walls were fragile to begin with.
Are you working from a place of approach motivation or avoidance motivation? Research shows that focusing on the beautiful, wonderful, desirable things you can accomplish at work can quiet the avoidance system and actually create excitement about Monday morning rather than dread. Ask yourself honestly: Am I moving towards something inspiring, or running from something frightening?
What stories are you telling yourself about Monday? Our minds excel at catastrophising. We imagine worst-case scenarios, difficult conversations, overwhelming workloads—most of which either don’t materialise or aren’t as terrible as we anticipated. Cognitive distortions like catastrophising and overgeneralising can significantly contribute to Monday anxiety.
The storytelling circles I facilitate have become powerful spaces for executives and entrepreneurs to explore these questions without the usual professional masks. When Annie Willets shared her spider web story, another participant—a tech CEO managing 200 employees—confessed he’d been secretly planning to sell his company simply to escape the Sunday scaries, without ever examining why he felt that way.
Through stories, we discover patterns. We recognise ourselves in each other’s experiences. We realise that success doesn’t mean the absence of struggle; it means having the courage to face what’s actually happening rather than what we’re performing.
Further Reading: Unconventional Wisdom for the Sunday-Scared Soul
“The Places That Scare You” by Pema Chödrön This isn’t a business book, and that’s precisely why it belongs on this list. Chödrön, a Buddhist nun, writes about working with fear and uncertainty rather than against them. For executives experiencing Sunday scaries, her teachings on staying present with discomfort—rather than trying to escape it through distraction or toxic positivity—offer profound relief. She reminds us that anxiety is part of being alive and engaged with life, not evidence that something’s wrong with us. This book taught me that the Sunday scaries might not be a problem to solve but an invitation to examine what matters.
“Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle” by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski The Nagoski sisters explain something crucial that most productivity advice misses entirely: completing the physiological stress cycle. They distinguish between stressors (the things causing stress) and stress (the physical state in your body). You can remove every Monday stressor and still feel the Sunday scaries if you never complete the stress cycle. Their practical, science-based strategies for moving stress through your body—from exercise to creative expression to deep breathing—directly address why Sunday evening anxiety persists even when Monday morning isn’t objectively threatening. This book changed how I understand the physical manifestation of anticipatory anxiety.
“Four Thousand Weeks: Time Management for Mortals” by Oliver Burkeman Burkeman’s central thesis—that you have approximately 4,000 weeks on earth if you’re lucky—provides the most compelling reframe of Sunday scaries I’ve encountered. When you truly absorb the brevity of life, spending 52 evenings a year in anxiety-induced misery becomes intolerable. Not because you should optimise every moment for productivity, but because Sunday evening is life too. It’s not just the preamble to Monday; it’s one of your 4,000 weeks. Burkeman’s acceptance of limitation and inevitable incompletion offers surprising peace to achievement-oriented people who believe they should be able to do it all without stress.
A fromStory from a Circle
“Before joining the storytelling circles, I thought my Sunday anxiety meant I’d chosen the wrong career. I’d built a successful architecture firm from nothing, and yet every Sunday at 4pm like clockwork, I’d feel physically ill. The shame was almost worse than the anxiety itself. How could I admit that I dreaded Monday when so many people would kill for the opportunities I had?
Hearing others’ stories, particularly Annie’s spider web moment, helped me realise I wasn’t broken. The Sunday scaries weren’t a verdict on my career choices; they were a signal that I’d stopped distinguishing between urgent and important, between presence and performance. I’d let Sunday become nothing more than Monday’s waiting room.
Now, I protect Sunday evenings like a sacred ritual. No emails, no ‘quick prep work,’ no catastrophising about the week ahead. I cook elaborate meals, I read fiction, I literally go outside and look at actual nature—not as some wellness checkbox, but because I deserve to inhabit my life, not just endure it. The Mondays haven’t magically become perfect, but I’m no longer spending 15% of my week in anticipatory dread about them.”
— Sarah J., Architect and Founder, Bristol
Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Is it normal to experience Sunday scaries even when I love my job?
Absolutely. The Sunday scaries affect people even when they genuinely like their jobs. The anxiety isn’t necessarily a referendum on your career choice; it’s often about the abrupt transition from weekend freedom to weekday structure, the weight of responsibility, or cognitive patterns that have become habitual over time. Loving your work and feeling anxious about Monday aren’t mutually exclusive experiences.
Q: At what point do Sunday scaries become a mental health concern rather than just normal work stress?
Whilst the Sunday scaries are common, if they’re causing significant distress or interfering with your ability to enjoy your weekend, it may be worth exploring strategies with a mental health professional. Warning signs include: physical symptoms that persist or worsen, complete inability to relax on weekends, intrusive thoughts about work that you can’t control, or Sunday anxiety that doesn’t diminish once Monday actually arrives. If your anticipatory anxiety never resolves when you face the thing you were worried about, that suggests something beyond typical Sunday scaries.
Q: Why do my Sunday scaries seem worse than other people’s, even though I’m more successful?
Success often intensifies rather than alleviates Sunday scaries because you’re carrying more responsibility, making higher-stakes decisions, and often have fewer people who understand your unique pressures. Additionally, achievement-oriented people tend to have perfectionist tendencies and heightened sensitivity to potential failure. You may also be more skilled at appearing confident externally whilst managing significant internal anxiety—remember, surveys show up to 90% of millennials and Gen Z report experiencing Sunday scaries, so you’re likely surrounded by people hiding the same feelings.
Q: Will changing jobs or careers solve my Sunday scaries?
Sometimes, but not always. If your Sunday anxiety stems from genuine misalignment—you’re in the wrong role, toxic environment, or work that violates your values—then change might be necessary. However, research shows that some people’s Monday anxiety becomes so routine that it persists even when the original trigger is gone. Before making dramatic career changes, explore whether the issue is the work itself or your relationship with work, your boundaries, your cognitive patterns, or unprocessed stress in your nervous system.
Q: What’s the single most effective strategy you’ve seen for reducing Sunday scaries?
There isn’t one universal solution because the root causes vary so significantly. However, the pattern I’ve observed in people who successfully transform their Sundays involves shifting from avoidance to approach. Research shows that focusing on positive outcomes and excitement about what you can accomplish, rather than dreading potential problems, can significantly reduce anticipatory anxiety. This doesn’t mean toxic positivity; it means examining whether you’re running towards something you value or away from something you fear. Combined with genuine boundary-setting and completing your stress cycles physically, this approach-orientation creates sustainable change.
Conclusion: Reclaiming Sunday Evening
The Sunday scaries and Blue Mondays aren’t character flaws. They’re not evidence that you’re weak, ungrateful, or insufficiently resilient. They’re signals—sometimes quiet whispers, sometimes screaming sirens—that something in your relationship with work, time, or purpose needs attention.
For successful executives and entrepreneurs, acknowledging these feelings can feel like admitting failure. You’ve worked so hard to build something meaningful. You’re supposed to be beyond this sort of thing. But perhaps that’s precisely backwards. Perhaps the willingness to sit with your Sunday evening anxiety, to examine it with curiosity rather than judgment, to tell the truth about your experience—that’s what genuine success looks like.
Annie Willets, standing in her garden that October evening, watching rainbows fracture through spider silk, discovered something that years of productivity advice had never taught her: presence is not a reward you earn after completing all your tasks. It’s a choice available in any moment, including 4pm on Sunday afternoon.
Your Sunday scaries might not disappear entirely. They might be companions on your journey rather than problems to solve. But they don’t have to steal 15% of your week. They don’t have to poison your rest with anticipation of battles that rarely materialise as feared.
The spider in Grace’s web didn’t dread Monday. She simply built what she needed and settled in to wait, responding to each moment as it arrived rather than catastrophising about moments yet to come. There’s wisdom in that patience, that presence, that refusal to mortgage today’s peace for tomorrow’s imagined problems.
What if you approached Sunday evening not as Monday’s waiting room, but as its own complete experience, worthy of your full attention? What if you protected it fiercely, not as another wellness task to optimise, but as sacred time that belongs to you and no one else?
The work will be there Monday morning. It always is. But Sunday evening—this Sunday evening, one of your precious 4,000 weeks—is happening right now. What would it feel like to actually be in it?
Discover the Purpose Protocols: Transform Your Relationship with Monday
The Sunday scaries often signal something deeper than poor time management or insufficient self-care. They whisper that you’re living out of alignment with your authentic purpose, trapped in patterns that no longer serve you, performing a version of success that someone else wrote for your life.
The Purpose Protocols aren’t another productivity system promising to squeeze more efficiency from your already overstretched schedule. It’s a transformative online courses, with optional one-to-one support, designed specifically for successful executives and entrepreneurs who’ve achieved everything they thought they wanted, yet still find themselves dreading Monday morning.
Through a carefully designed series of modules combining storytelling, reflective practices, and practical frameworks, you’ll explore:
Uncovering Your Authentic Purpose: Move beyond inherited expectations and societal definitions of success to discover what genuinely lights you up and gives your life meaning. We use narrative techniques from my storytelling circles to help you identify the patterns and values that have shaped your journey, often hidden beneath years of professional performance.
Redesigning Your Relationship with Work: Learn to distinguish between healthy achievement and toxic productivity, between presence and performance. You’ll develop practical strategies for setting boundaries that honour both your ambitions and your humanity, creating space for rest without guilt.
Completing Your Stress Cycles: Understand the neuroscience behind why Sunday scaries persist even when Monday isn’t objectively threatening, and learn evidence-based techniques for moving stress through your body rather than carrying it into each new week.
Creating Approach-Oriented Goals: Shift from running away from fear towards moving toward what excites and inspires you. This fundamental reframe transforms not just your Sundays, but your entire relationship with your work and life.
This isn’t about abandoning your ambitions or lowering your standards. It’s about ensuring those ambitions are truly yours, and that the path toward them nourishes rather than depletes you. Because you didn’t build something extraordinary just to spend every Sunday evening dreading it.
Your Mondays deserve better. More importantly, you deserve better.
The Purpose Pursuit Protocol – if you want to discover your life purpose, this course will provide you with the clarity, motivation and direction you need to manifest your next chapter – in both your personal and professional life. Get immediate access
The Purpose Pivot Protocol – drawing inspiration from the Camino de Santiago, this transformative course guides you through a proven framework to recalibrate your authentic purpose and create a meaningful and fulfilling next act. Get immediate access
The Purpose Pivot Protocol honours your journey whilst challenging you to question whether the destination is truly where you want to go. Because sometimes the bravest thing a successful person can do is admit that Sunday evening shouldn’t feel like this.
Author Bio: Dr Margaretha Montagu – described as a “game changer”, “gifted healer”, “guiding light” and “life-enriching author” – is an experienced medical doctor, a certified NLP practitioner, a medical hypnotherapist, an equine-assisted psychotherapist (EAGALAcertified) and a transformational retreat leader who guides her clients through life transitions – virtually, or with the assistance of her Friesian and Falabella horses, at their home in the southwest of France.
References
How to ward off the ‘Sunday scaries’ before the new week begins by prof Jolanta Burke, Centre for Positive Psychology and Health, RCSI University of Medicine and Health Science
Grupe DW, Nitschke JB. Uncertainty and anticipation in anxiety: an integrated neurobiological and psychological perspective. Nat Rev Neurosci. 2013 Jul;14(7):488-501.
Abend, R., Gold, A. L., Britton, J. C., Michalska, K. J., Shechner, T., Sachs, J. F., Winkler, A. M., Leibenluft, E., Averbeck, B. B., & Pine, D. S. (2019). Anticipatory Threat Responding: Associations with Anxiety, Development, and Brain Structure. Biological Psychiatry, 87(10), 916.
Yoshimura, S., Okamoto, Y., Yoshino, A., Kobayakawa, M., Machino, A., & Yamawaki, S. Neural Basis of Anticipatory Anxiety Reappraisals. PLOS ONE, 9(7), e102836.
What this is: A medically-informed, deeply human exploration of how chronic stress and anxiety can damage your body, brain, and future—and what you can actually do about it before the damage becomes irreversible.
What this isn’t: Another guilt-inducing wellness sermon telling you to “just breathe” or download a meditation app whilst your company burns and your inbox explodes.
Read this if: You’ve noticed your body keeping score (mysterious aches, erratic sleep, a immune system that’s clearly resigned from its post), you suspect your “high-functioning anxiety” might be a polite term for something more serious, or you’re exhausted from being exhausted.
Five Key Takeaways for the Relentlessly Driven
Your stress response wasn’t designed for quarterly reports: Your ancient fight-or-flight system treats Monday morning emails like sabre-toothed tigers, flooding your body with cortisol that was meant to save your life for ten minutes, not poison it for ten years.
The “successful stress carrier” is a medical myth: That romantic notion of thriving under pressure? Research shows chronic stress and anxiety actively shrink your hippocampus, age your cells faster, and increase your risk of heart disease, stroke, diabetes, and autoimmune conditions by 40-60%.
Your body whispers before it screams: Tension headaches, digestive chaos, and that 3 a.m. wide-awake-worry sessions aren’t personality quirks—they’re early warning systems that something fundamental needs recalibrating.
Stress management techniques aren’t self-care fluff: They’re evidence-based interventions with measurable impact on inflammatory markers, telomere length, and disease progression—as powerful as many medications, but without the side effects.
You can’t think your way out of a nervous system problem: Cognitive strategies help, but chronic stress reduction requires embodied practices that signal safety to your autonomic nervous system—movement, connection, nature, and nervous system regulation techniques that work below the level of conscious thought.
Reaching Your Breaking Point
Here’s the uncomfortable truth your last performance review didn’t mention: your body cannot distinguish between a genuine threat to your survival and a passive-aggressive email from your board chair.
The stress response—that magnificent evolutionary inheritance that once helped your ancestors outrun predators—activates identically whether you’re facing a lion or a looming deadline. Your heart races. Your muscles tense. Cortisol floods your bloodstream. Blood diverts from your digestive system to your limbs. Your immune function temporarily suspends operations.
Brilliant design for a ten-minute crisis. Catastrophic design for a ten-year career.
Yet here you are: navigating restructures, managing difficult personalities, making decisions that affect hundreds of lives, responding to crises that genuinely matter—all whilst your primitive nervous system mistakes your admirable dedication for mortal danger.
And the question that likely brought you here, the one you’ve been pushing aside between meetings, finally demands an answer: Is my stress and anxiety actually damaging my long-term health?
The short answer, delivered with twenty years of medical experience and the evidence base to support it: Yes. Absolutely. And probably more than you think.
But—and here’s where it gets interesting—you’re asking the question. Which means you’re already halfway toward the most important health intervention of your professional life.
Amanda’s Story: Success’ Bitter After-Taste
Amanda Payne could tell you the exact moment her body started keeping different books than her brain.
It was 4:47 a.m. on a Wednesday in March, and she woke with her heart battering against her ribs like something caged and furious. The bedroom was dark, the duvet heavy, her husband’s breathing steady beside her. Nothing was wrong. Everything was wrong.
Her mouth tasted like rusted metal. Her jaw ached from clenching. When she pressed her fingers to her neck, her pulse felt like someone frantically knocking on a door that wouldn’t open.
Amanda was 43, the CEO of a mid-sized tech consultancy she’d built from nothing over fifteen years. Brilliant at her work. Devoted to her team of 120 people who depended on her decisions. Recently promoted to the board of a national industry association. Mother to two teenagers who still, occasionally, needed her.
She was also, though she wouldn’t have used these words yet, drowning.
The panic attacks—because that’s what they were, though she’d been calling them “stress reactions”—had started six months earlier. First monthly, then weekly, now almost nightly. She’d scheduled a doctor’s appointment three times and cancelled three times because something urgent always erupted. Because she was fine. Because she could handle this.
The morning routine had become archaeological: excavating herself from anxiety’s layers. Shower hot enough to hurt, hoping to reset her nervous system. Coffee strong enough to override the trembling. Concealer thick enough to hide the shadows that had taken up permanent residence beneath her eyes.
She caught her reflection whilst brushing her teeth—electric toothbrush buzzing, mint sharpness in her mouth—and barely recognised the woman staring back. When had her face become so thin? When had those lines carved themselves beside her mouth?
Amanda had always prided herself on her capacity. She could hold complexity, manage crises, make decisions under pressure. She was the person others turned to when things fell apart. Strong. Reliable. Unflappable.
Except her hands were flapping now—trembling, actually—as she tried to fasten the tiny buttons of her blouse. The fabric felt wrong against her skin, everything felt wrong, the house too quiet and too loud simultaneously, the smell of coffee suddenly nauseating.
She sat heavily on the edge of the bed, the mattress exhaling beneath her weight.
“Amanda?” Her husband’s voice, thick with sleep and worry. “Again?”
She nodded, unable to speak past the tightness in her throat. His hand found her back, warm through the silk blouse, and she wanted to lean into it but couldn’t let herself soften. If she softened, she might break entirely.
The commute to the office felt like travelling through fog. Her chest remained tight, her breathing shallow. Twice, she had to pull over because her heart’s hammering made her feel certain she was dying.
Both times, after ten minutes, her heart settled. Both times, she told herself to stop being ridiculous.
The morning meeting—glass-walled conference room, the bitter tang of too much coffee, voices presenting problems she was meant to solve—blurred past. She took notes. Asked questions. Made decisions. All whilst her body screamed that something was terribly, urgently wrong.
Nobody noticed. She was very good at this—the performance of competence whilst her autonomic nervous system staged a coup.
But her body was noticing. Tracking. Recording.
The tension headaches that arrived at 2 p.m. daily like unwanted appointments. The digestive system that had apparently decided solid food was negotiable. The sleep that came in shallow, anxious snatches between 3 a.m. worry sessions. The immune system that seemed to have abandoned its post—her third cold in as many months.
Amanda had started keeping antacids in every bag, ibuprofen in every drawer. She’d normalised functioning through discomfort, pushing past signals that used to mean something.
And then came the moment that changed everything.
A routine physical—the one she’d finally kept—revealed blood pressure that made her doctor’s eyebrows rise. Inflammatory markers elevated. Cortisol levels, as her GP put it with careful gentleness, “chronically dysregulated.” Early signs of what could become serious cardiovascular risk.
“Amanda,” her doctor said, leaning forward with the particular expression doctors reserve for delivering difficult truths, “your body is working so hard to keep you functional that it’s beginning to break down the infrastructure. This level of chronic stress and anxiety isn’t sustainable. Not for months. Certainly not for years.”
She sat in the surgery car park afterwards, engine off, hands gripping the steering wheel, and finally let herself feel the full weight of what she’d been carrying. The fear she’d been outrunning. The truth her body had been trying to tell her in every language it knew.
She wasn’t managing the stress and anxiety. The stress and anxiety were managing her.
And something fundamental needed to change—not next quarter, not after the next big project, but now, before her body’s whisper became a scream she couldn’t ignore.
The Neuroscience of What’s Actually Happening Inside You
Let’s talk about what chronic stress and anxiety are doing to the remarkable machinery of your body.
Your stress response, the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, is a brilliant short-term survival system. When activated, it mobilises every resource toward immediate action: cortisol surges, glucose floods your bloodstream for quick energy, your heart rate and blood pressure spike, your immune system temporarily downregulates (because fighting infections is irrelevant if you’re about to be eaten).
Perfect for escaping predators. Devastating when activated forty times daily for eighteen months straight.
Here’s what the research, and my twenty years working with stress-related illness, reveals about chronic stress and anxiety’s long-term effects:
Cardiovascular consequences: Persistent stress hormones damage your blood vessel walls, promote plaque formation, increase blood pressure, and disrupt heart rhythm. Studies show chronic stress increases heart attack risk by 40% and stroke risk by nearly 50%. Your heart, quite literally, wears out faster under constant pressure.
Immune system suppression: Chronic cortisol exposure suppresses your immune response, making you more susceptible to infections, slowing wound healing, and potentially increasing cancer risk. That “getting sick every month” pattern? Your immune system waving a white flag.
Metabolic disruption: Stress hormones promote insulin resistance, increase appetite for high-calorie foods (your body thinks you’re in famine), encourage abdominal fat storage, and significantly increase Type 2 diabetes risk. The “stress weight” around your middle isn’t vanity—it’s visceral fat that actively produces inflammatory chemicals.
Neurological impact: Chronic stress shrinks your hippocampus (memory centre), enlarges your amygdala (fear centre), and disrupts prefrontal cortex function (decision-making, emotional regulation). You’re not imagining that you can’t think clearly—stress is literally remodelling your brain toward anxiety and away from resilience.
Cellular ageing: Telomeres—the protective caps on your chromosomes—shorten faster under chronic stress, effectively ageing your cells more rapidly. You’re wearing out faster at the molecular level.
Gastrointestinal chaos: The gut-brain axis means your digestive system serves as a stress barometer. Chronic stress and anxiety alter gut bacteria composition, increase inflammation, and contribute to IBS, inflammatory bowel disease, and other digestive disorders.
But here’s what matters more than the frightening list: these processes aren’t inevitable. They’re reversible, especially when caught relatively early.
This is where my work over fifteen years hosting stress management retreats on the Camino de Santiago and developing burnout recovery programmes becomes relevant. I’ve witnessed hundreds of high-achieving professionals—people very much like you—interrupt these destructive patterns and rebuild their health from the inside out.
The magic isn’t in the single intervention. It’s in the layered approach: nervous system regulation techniques, embodied stress reduction practices, connection and community, movement in nature, and the often-overlooked power of storytelling to metabolise difficult experiences.
I’ve seen how trauma-informed, body-based interventions can recalibrate a dysregulated stress response faster than cognitive strategies alone. Your nervous system needs proof of safety, not just thoughts about safety.
And this isn’t merely clinical observation—it’s evidenced in the thirty-plus testimonials from retreat guests who’ve moved from burnout to breakthrough, confirmed by the research on nature-based interventions, mindfulness practices, and somatic therapies for chronic stress reduction.
Lupien SJ, Juster RP, Raymond C, Marin MF. The effects of chronic stress on the human brain: From neurotoxicity, to vulnerability, to opportunity. Front Neuroendocrinol. 2018 Apr;49:91-105.
Mariotti A. The effects of chronic stress on health: new insights into the molecular mechanisms of brain-body communication. Future Sci OA. 2015 Nov 1;1(3):FSO23.
Yaribeygi H, Panahi Y, Sahraei H, Johnston TP, Sahebkar A. The impact of stress on body function: A review. EXCLI J. 2017 Jul 21;16:1057-1072.
The Ripple Effect: How Your Stress Shapes Your World
Here’s what nobody tells you about healing chronic stress and anxiety: it’s not actually about you.
Yes, your health matters. Your well-being matters. Your right to feel like a human rather than a productivity machine matters enormously.
But when you address the stress and anxiety systematically eroding your health, you don’t just save yourself. You transform your entire ecosystem.
Consider the concentric circles: Your partner stops walking on eggshells, no longer trying to manage your nervous system alongside their own. Your children learn what healthy boundaries look like from observation, not lecture. Your team stops absorbing your unspoken tension and performs better because you’re genuinely present, not performing presence whilst drowning internally.
Your creativity returns—the kind of lateral thinking that solves intractable problems—because your prefrontal cortex isn’t constantly hijacked by survival responses. Your decision-making sharpens. Your emotional regulation improves. You become the leader your organisation actually needs, not just the one who shows up and pushes through.
I’ve written eight books on navigating life’s difficult passages—divorce, loss, unexpected illness, crises—because I’ve learned this truth: the most powerful healing isn’t solitary. It happens in relationship, in community, in the spaces where we dare to be witnessed in our vulnerability and discovered in our resilience.
This is why the storytelling circles I facilitate—sometimes with retreat guests gathered around a fire, sometimes in virtual spaces with participants across continents, always in the gentle presence of my Friesian horses (Twiss, Kashkin, and Zorie) and Falabella ponies (Loki and Lito)—create such profound shifts.
When you speak your truth and watch it land in compassionate witnesses, something fundamental changes. The shame and isolation that amplify stress and anxiety begin to dissolve. You realise you’re not uniquely broken—you’re humanly exhausted by inhuman demands.
And that realisation becomes the foundation for genuine, sustainable change.
Your Action-Oriented Writing Prompt: The Stress Inventory and Strategic Response
Take twenty minutes with this exercise. It’s designed not just for insight, but for immediate action planning.
Part One: The Honest Audit (10 minutes)
Complete these sentences without editing, judgement, or trying to make it sound reasonable:
The physical signs my body uses to tell me I’m chronically stressed include…
The situations or people that most reliably activate my stress response are…
The stress management techniques I claim to use but actually don’t are…
If I’m brutally honest, I avoid addressing my stress and anxiety because…
The specific ways my stress impacts the people who depend on me include…
Part Two: The Strategic Intervention Plan (10 minutes)
Now, treating yourself as you would your most valued team member who came to you with this same list, answer:
Immediate action (this week): What’s one embodied practice I can implement immediately that signals safety to my nervous system? (Examples: morning walk before devices, three minutes of conscious breathing before meetings, eating lunch away from my desk)
Short-term intervention (this month): What professional support do I need to access? (Examples: GP appointment for baseline health assessment, therapist specialising in stress-related issues, stress management retreat or programme)
Medium-term restructuring (this quarter): What boundary, responsibility, or expectation needs renegotiating to create sustainable functioning? Be specific about what you’ll say no to, delegate, or redesign.
Long-term strategy (this year): What fundamental aspect of how I work, live, or relate to stress needs complete reimagining? What would I do if I took my health as seriously as my responsibilities?
Accountability structure: Who will I share this plan with, and when will I report progress? (If the answer is “nobody,” that’s part of the problem—isolation amplifies stress and anxiety.)
Share this with one trusted person within 48 hours. Tell them you’re taking your health seriously. Ask them to check in with you weekly. Watch how articulating it makes it real.
Further Reading: Five Unexpected Books for the Relentlessly Driven
1. “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk (2014)
Why this matters: Van der Kolk, a trauma researcher, reveals how stress and trauma literally reshape your brain and body—but also provides evidence-based pathways to healing. For high-achievers who need to understand the neuroscience before they’ll commit to the practices, this is essential. It explains why you can’t think your way out of a nervous system problem.
2. “Burnout: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle” by Emily Nagoski and Amelia Nagoski (2019)
Why this matters: The Nagoski sisters distinguish brilliantly between stressors (external) and stress (the internal response that must be metabolised). They provide practical, evidence-based strategies specifically for people who’ve been told to “just manage stress better” without being given actual tools. Their focus on completing the stress cycle through embodied practices is revolutionary for cognitive-focused professionals.
3. “Atlas of the Heart” by Brené Brown (2021)
Why this matters: Brown maps 87 emotions with precision, helping you distinguish between stress, anxiety, worry, and overwhelm—each requiring different interventions. For people who’ve reduced their emotional vocabulary to “fine” or “stressed,” this creates the nuanced awareness necessary for targeted healing. You can’t address what you can’t accurately name.
4. “The Comfort Crisis” by Michael Easter (2021)
Why this matters: Easter explores how our relentless comfort-seeking and stress-avoiding paradoxically increase our stress and anxiety. Drawing on evolutionary biology and adventure, he makes a compelling case for strategic discomfort (cold exposure, nature immersion, physical challenge) as nervous system recalibration. Perfect for achievers who respond better to challenge than coddling.
5. “How to Do Nothing: Resisting the Attention Economy” by Jenny Odell (2019)
Why this matters: Odell, an artist and professor, dismantles the productivity paradigm that drives chronic stress. She offers a radical reframing: your attention is your life, and learning to direct it intentionally rather than reactively is the most important skill for long-term health and flourishing. This isn’t a productivity hack—it’s a philosophical intervention for people whose worth has become fused with their output.
P.S. If you’re hungry for structured, practical guidance, my two-day online course “Road Map to Resilience: From Burnout to Breakthrough” distils twenty years of clinical experience and fifteen years of retreat facilitation into actionable strategies for chronic stress reduction and nervous system regulation. It’s designed specifically for professionals who need evidence-based interventions they can implement immediately whilst navigating demanding careers.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or on the edge of burnout, you need immediate support. The Road Map to Resilience: Burnout to Brilliance online course (with the option of adding coaching sessions) is designed for exactly that: a practical, step-by-step course to help you regain control, rebuild your energy, and find clarity in the chaos. This isn’t a quick fix—it’s about proven strategies to calm your nervous system, shift your mindset, and create sustainable resilience. No need to cope with this on your own—let’s get you back on track.
From the Field: Voices of Transformation
From the Camino: Sarah T., Management Consultant, London
“I arrived at Dr. Montagu’s Camino de Santiago retreat certain I was fine, just ‘a bit run down.’ Three days of walking, mindfulness practices, and the profound gentleness of the storytelling circles—something broke open. Or perhaps broke through. I realised my body had been screaming for two years, and I’d been too busy achieving to listen. The combination of movement, nature, and being truly witnessed in my exhaustion without judgement gave me permission to finally admit I wasn’t managing the stress—it was managing me. Six months later, my blood pressure is normal, I’m sleeping through the night, and I’ve restructured my entire practice around sustainability rather than survival. The horses—particularly Kashkin, who seemed to sense my nervous system better than I did—taught me that presence is more powerful than performance. I return to the experience whenever I feel the old patterns creeping back.”
From the Virtual Storytelling Circle: Jennifer M., Chief Financial Officer, Toronto
“Joining Dr. Montagu’s storytelling circle felt like coming home to a part of myself I’d abandoned years ago. For ninety minutes every fortnight, I’m not the CFO holding it together—I’m simply Jennifer, speaking and being heard without needing to perform competence. The other participants—all high-capacity professionals carrying similar burdens—create a space where vulnerability becomes strength. I’ve shared things in these circles I’ve never told my therapist, partly because there’s no pathology in the listening, just compassionate witnessing. My stress and anxiety haven’t disappeared, but my relationship to them has transformed completely. I’ve learned to metabolise difficult experiences through story rather than storing them as tension in my body. The practice has been more effective for my chronic stress reduction than any pharmaceutical intervention I’ve tried.”
Five Razor-Sharp FAQs
Q: I genuinely don’t have time for stress management techniques. How do I address this if my schedule is already impossible?
A: This question reveals the problem’s core: you’re treating stress management as another task competing for time, rather than the foundation that makes everything else possible. Start microscopically—two minutes of conscious breathing before your first meeting isn’t time you don’t have; it’s time that makes the next hour more effective. Chronic stress reduces your cognitive capacity by up to 50%. The question isn’t whether you have time for stress reduction; it’s whether you can afford not to.
Q: How do I know if my stress and anxiety levels require professional intervention versus self-management?
A: If in doubt, seek professional advice, and certainly if you’re experiencing: persistent physical symptoms (chest pain, chronic digestive issues, unexplained pain), significant sleep disruption, panic attacks, substance use to manage stress, thoughts of self-harm, or if stress is damaging important relationships.
Q: I’ve tried meditation and mindfulness apps, and they don’t work for me. What are the alternatives for chronic stress reduction?
A: Apps fail most high-achievers because they’re trying to impose calm from the top down onto a nervous system screaming from the bottom up. Try embodied approaches instead: vigorous exercise that metabolises stress hormones, cold water exposure that interrupts the stress response, nature immersion that naturally downregulates cortisol, somatic practices that release stored tension, creative expression that processes difficult emotions, or community connection that signals safety. Your nervous system needs physical proof, not just mental concepts. Match the intervention to your physiology.
Q: Can chronic stress actually be reversed, or have I already done permanent damage?
A: The human body is astonishingly resilient. Whilst some stress-related damage (particularly cardiovascular) may not be completely reversible, most physiological stress responses can improve dramatically with sustained intervention. Neuroplasticity means your brain can rebuild neural pathways; inflammatory markers decrease with stress reduction; immune function recovers; even telomere shortening can slow or stabilise. The key is “sustained”—this isn’t a quick fix. But I’ve seen profound health restoration in people who’d been chronically stressed for decades once they committed to systematic change. Your body wants to heal; you simply need to create conditions that allow it.
Q: How do I maintain stress reduction practices when I return to the same high-pressure environment that created the problem?
A: Environment modification is crucial, but it’s not the whole answer. Yes, advocate for systemic changes—reasonable workloads, clear boundaries, organisational culture shifts. But simultaneously, build stress resilience like you’d build any other critical capacity: through consistent practice, community accountability, and integration into your identity rather than your to-do list. The professionals who sustain change treat stress management like brushing teeth—non-negotiable daily hygiene, not optional self-care. They also build regular immersive experiences (retreats, courses, intensive workshops) that recalibrate their baseline when daily practices aren’t sufficient. Think of it as preventive maintenance rather than crisis intervention.
Conclusion: The Health Risk You Cannot Afford to Ignore
Here’s what I know after two decades of sitting with brilliant, exhausted professionals in crisis: you didn’t arrive at burnout and chronic stress through weakness. You arrived through strength applied in the wrong direction for too long.
Your capacity for endurance, your tolerance for discomfort, your ability to push through—these are genuine strengths. But like any strength overused, they’ve become your vulnerability.
The question isn’t whether your stress and anxiety are harming your long-term health. The evidence is clear: they are. The inflammatory markers, the cardiovascular risks, the accelerated cellular aging, the immune suppression—these aren’t theoretical. They’re measurable, progressive, and potentially irreversible if ignored long enough.
But the more important question—the one your body is asking with every tension headache, every sleepless night, every moment your heart races without reason—is this: What becomes possible when you finally take your health as seriously as your responsibilities?
When you treat stress reduction not as self-indulgence but as a strategic necessity?
When you recognise that sustainable excellence requires a sustainably healthy human at its centre?
Your body has been keeping score, whispering warnings you’ve been too busy to hear. But whispers can become conversations. Conversations can become transformations. And transformations—the deep, embodied kind that reset your nervous system and rebuild your resilience—can become the foundation for a genuinely sustainable life.
Not perfect. Not stress-free. But fundamentally viable in the long term.
You didn’t start reading this article accidentally. Some part of you—the wise part that exists below your achieving, performing, pushing-through self—knows something needs to change.
Trust that knowing. It might just save your life.
An Invitation to The Camino Crossroads Retreat
Imagine this: standing at dawn on an ancient pilgrim path in the gentle hills of south-west France, mist rising from wildflower meadows, your breath steady and deep for the first time in months. No agenda but the path itself. No performance required. Just walking, breathing, becoming.
My Camino de Santiago walking retreat isn’t a holiday from your stress—it’s a comprehensive intervention in how stress lives in your body and shapes your life.
Over several days of gentle walking on this UNESCO World Heritage trail, we layer proven stress management techniques into the natural rhythm of pilgrimage: daily mindfulness and meditation practices that train your nervous system toward regulation rather than reaction; somatic exercises that release years of stored tension from your tissues; and the transformative power of storytelling circles where you metabolise difficult experiences in compassionate community.
The walks themselves, through sunlit forests, past 12th-century chapels, across rolling countryside, provide what research confirms: nature immersion naturally reduces cortisol, lowers blood pressure, and restores depleted attentional resources. But the magic happens in the spaces between the walking.
In my storytelling circles, facilitated by my Friesian horses, something remarkable unfolds. These extraordinary creatures—with their attunement to nervous system states we haven’t yet learned to consciously recognise—create a presence that invites profound authenticity. In their gentle witness, guests find permission to speak truths they’ve been carrying alone, to be seen in their exhaustion without judgement, to discover they’re not uniquely broken but humanly overwhelmed.
The retreat combines the evidence-based practices I’ve refined through twenty years of medical practice with the embodied wisdom I’ve developed through fifteen years of hosting these transformative experiences. You’ll learn practical chronic stress reduction techniques you can integrate immediately into your demanding life—but more importantly, you’ll experience what nervous system recalibration actually feels like in your body.
Small groups (maximum four guests) ensure genuine connection and individualised attention. Comfortable accommodation provides sanctuary. Delicious local food becomes part of the healing. And the pace—deliberately slower than your ordinary life—teaches your nervous system what “safe” actually feels like, creating a new baseline you can return to when stress threatens to overwhelm.
This isn’t escape. It’s strategic intervention for professionals who’ve been running on fumes and calling it fuel. It’s permission to take your health seriously before your body makes that decision for you.
The path awaits. So does the version of yourself you’ve been too busy to become.
Dr. Margaretha Montagu (MBChB, MRCGP) is a physician, NLP master practitioner, medical hypnotherapist, and life transition coach with two decades of experience supporting professionals through stress-inducing life changes and challenges and burnout recovery. She is the author of eight books on navigating life’s difficult passages and hosts transformative stress management retreats on the Camino de Santiago in south-west France.
10 Powerful Life Lessons Learned While Walking the Camino de Santiago– a free guide filled with 10 not just “quaint anecdotes” or Instagram-worthy moments (though there are plenty of those) but real transformations from real people who walked the same insight-giving trail you might want to walk one day – Subscribe to my monthly newsletter to Download the Guide
Here’s what I’ve learned after two decades of watching executives burn out in slow motion: they don’t need 60 minutes of yoga. They need 60 seconds of recovery on demand.
Last Tuesday, I watched a CEO take three back-to-back calls without breathing properly, not once. Not metaphorically – literally. Shallow chest breathing, shoulders hunched, jaw clenched. By the time she reached for her third espresso at 11 AM, her nervous system was already operating in the red zone.
Sound familiar?
Three Micro-Recovery Stress Relief Techniques
We’ve been sold a myth about stress management: that we need elaborate rituals, expensive memberships, or chunks of time we don’t have. The truth? Stress isn’t a problem that needs solving. It’s pressure that needs releasing.
Think of your nervous system like a pressure cooker. You can’t avoid the heat – that’s called having a career. But you need a release valve. And here’s the fascinating part: your body doesn’t know the difference between a 60-minute meditation retreat and a 60-second intentional pause. Both trigger the parasympathetic nervous system. Both lower cortisol. Both are effective.
Let me share three micro-recovery hacks that transformed how my clients lead:
The Doorway Reset (30 seconds) Every time you walk through a doorway today, pause for three full breaths. That’s it. Doorways are natural transition points anyway – you’re simply making them intentional. This builds what neuroscientists call “state control” – the ability to shift your physiology on demand. My clients report feeling 40% more centred after just one week of this practice.
The Calendar Compassion Buffer (2 minutes) Stop scheduling back-to-back meetings. I know, revolutionary. But here’s why it matters: your brain needs 120 seconds to process what just happened and prepare for what’s next. Without this buffer, you’re bringing the emotional residue of one meeting into the next. That tension in your shoulders? That’s unmetabolised stress, and it compounds. Schedule 28-minute meetings instead of 30. Use those two minutes to stand, stretch, and literally shake it off.
The 3-5-7 Breath (90 seconds) When pressure spikes, your breath becomes shallow and rapid. This signals danger to your amygdala, which releases more stress hormones, which makes your breath more shallow. It’s a vicious cycle. Break it with this: breathe in for 3 counts, hold for 5, exhale for 7. The extended exhale activates your vagus nerve – your body’s internal brake pedal. Three rounds of this changes your biochemistry. I’ve watched executives go from panic to presence in less time than it takes to connect to Instagram for a cat video.
These micro-tools are powerful. They keep you functional. But they’re short-term, not long-range.
Five years ago, I hit a wall I didn’t see coming. Not burnout exactly – I was still productive, still showing up. But I’d become a stranger to myself. I was managing stress brilliantly while losing touch with why any of it mattered. I was winning a game I’d forgotten how to enjoy.
That’s when I started walking short sections of the Camino de Santiago.
Here’s what happens to your brain when you walk with intention:
The repetitive motion induces what researchers call “transient hypofrontality” – a temporary quieting of your prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain that plans, judges, and never stops talking. Meanwhile, your brain waves shift from beta (active thinking) to alpha and theta (creative, meditative states). You access insights that no amount of sitting meditation or executive coaching could touch.
But it’s more than neurochemistry. It’s humility. When you are walking the Camino, your carefully constructed identity as “senior leader” or “industry expert” becomes irrelevant. You’re just a person, moving through ancient landscapes, stripped down to essentials. There’s profound wisdom in that reduction.
Walking meditation does something that boardroom strategy sessions never can: it aligns your three brains. Your head brain (cognition), heart brain (emotion), and gut brain (intuition) synchronise. This isn’t a metaphor – all three have neural networks, and walking creates the conditions for them to communicate.
The Questions Nobody Asks Until They Stop
One Sunday afternoon on the Camino, I sat on a stone wall watching the sun set over vineyards that had been tended for centuries. A farmer nodded at me on his way home. And I thought: When did I last do anything at walking pace?
We optimise everything. Revenue per employee. Minutes per meeting. Steps per day. But we never ask: What if efficiency is the wrong metric for a human life?
The executives who attend my Camino de Santiago walking retreats don’t find answers immediately. That’s not the point. They find the right questions. Questions like:
What am I building toward if I’m not present for the building?
When did stress become my primary relationship?
What would I do if I trusted myself completely?
These aren’t questions you can answer in a coffee break. They require space. Silence. The kind of deep time that only walking provides.
Why Walking Recalibrates Us
When you walk 15 miles a day, you can’t multitask. You can’t optimise. You can’t perform. You can only be. And in that radical simplicity, something unexpected happens: you remember what it feels like to be resourced instead of depleted. Spacious instead of compressed. Connected instead of isolated.
The people who return from these retreats don’t have all the answers. But they have something more valuable: they trust their own compass again. They make decisions faster because they’re not second-guessing their instincts. They lead with more presence because they’re not constantly bracing against the next thing. They’re simply more themselves.
Your Next Right Step
You don’t need to walk across France tomorrow. Start with your favourite of these stress relief techniques: the doorway reset. Test the 3-5-7 breath. Build your micro-recovery muscle.
But if you’re reading this and thinking, “This sounds nice, but I haven’t got time,” that’s exactly when you need to do it – now.
👉 That’s why I created Camino de Santiago Walking Executive Reset Retreats.
Small groups. Intentional pacing. No forced epiphanies or manufactured vulnerability. Just walking, reflection, and the kind of conversations that only happen when people are moving together toward something meaningful.
Because the fastest way to go far isn’t to run faster. It’s to remember why you started walking in the first place.
What’s your 60-second reset? Drop it in the comments – I’d love to hear from you.
P.S. If you’re curious about the retreats, send me a message. The retreats fill up fast, not because I’m a great marketer, but because people who’ve walked with me can’t stop talking about it. That’s the only metric that matters.
10 Powerful Life Lessons Learned While Walking the Camino de Santiago– a free guide filled with 10 not just “quaint anecdotes” or Instagram-worthy moments (though there are plenty of those) but real transformations from real people who walked the same insight-giving trail you might want to walk one day – Subscribe to my monthly newsletter to Download the Guide
“I am an experienced medical doctor – MBChB, MRCGP, NLP master pract cert, Transformational Life Coach (dip.) Life Story Coach (cert.) Stress Counselling (cert.) Med Hypnotherapy (dip.) and EAGALA (cert.) I may have an impressive number of letters after my name, and more than three decades of professional experience, but what qualifies me to excel at what I do is my intuitive understanding of my clients’ difficulties and my extensive personal experience of managing major life changes using strategies I developed over many years.” Dr M Montagu
The Truth About Boundaries: Your Questions Answered
Boundaries during life transitions are like wearing a life jacket in turbulent waters—they keep you afloat when everything else feels like it’s pulling you under. They protect your energy, preserve your sanity, and give you the space to actually choose your next chapter instead of being swept away by everyone else’s opinions about what you should do.
The Great Unravelling
Picture this: You’re standing at the edge of a cliff, but instead of feeling terrified, you’re oddly excited. Below you isn’t certain death—it’s the unknown. Behind you is everything familiar, everything safe, everything that no longer fits. This is the moment when most people realise they desperately need boundaries, usually right after their well-meaning Aunt Margaret has spent twenty minutes explaining why their life choices are “concerning.”
Life transitions are messy, beautiful, terrifying things. They’re the periods when we shed old skins like snakes, except we’re doing it in public while everyone watches and offers unsolicited advice. Whether it’s a career change, divorce, parenthood, loss of a loved one, or simply the realisation that you’ve outgrown your current life, transitions demand something from us that we’re rarely taught: the art of saying no to everything that doesn’t serve our growth.
Sam’s Story: The Boundary Breakthrough
Sam Moore had built her catering empire from her grandmother’s kitchen table, armed with nothing but a killer lasagna recipe and the stubborn belief that good food could fix anything. By thirty-five, she was running three restaurants, employing forty-seven people, and hadn’t taken a real vacation in seven years. The success tasted like sawdust in her mouth.
The morning everything changed started like any other. Sam stood in her flagship restaurant’s kitchen at 5:30 AM, the familiar weight of responsibility settling on her shoulders like a lead blanket. The smell of coffee beans grinding mixed with the yeasty aroma of bread dough rising—scents that once made her heart race with excitement now felt suffocating. Her hands, already stained with flour from muscle memory, moved through the morning prep routine while her mind wandered to places it wasn’t supposed to go.
What if I just… disappeared?
The thought hit her like a splash of cold dishwater. She could hear the sizzle of onions hitting hot oil in the pan beside her, the rhythmic thud of her sous chef’s knife against the cutting board, the gentle hum of the industrial refrigerator. These sounds had been her lullaby for years, but now they felt like a prison soundtrack.
“Sam, your mother’s on line two,” called Marcus, her manager, from the pass. “Something about the family reunion menu.”
Sam’s stomach clenched. The family reunion—another obligation, another expectation, another “yes” she’d automatically given without thinking. She wiped her hands on her apron, leaving streaks of tomato sauce that looked suspiciously like war paint, and walked to the phone.
“Samantha, darling, I was thinking we could do that wonderful seafood buffet you did for the Henderson wedding, but maybe add those little quiches everyone raves about, and oh! Could you make your grandmother’s tiramisu? I know it’s a lot of work, but—”
Sam stared at her reflection in the stainless steel surface of the prep counter. Her face looked hollow, her eyes rimmed with the kind of exhaustion that sleep couldn’t fix. In that warped reflection, she saw herself at forty-five, fifty, sixty—still saying yes, still carrying everyone else’s expectations, still slowly disappearing under the weight of being needed.
“No,” she said quietly.
“What’s that, dear? The connection must be—”
“No, Mom. I can’t do the reunion.” The words felt strange in her mouth, like speaking a foreign language. “I’m taking a break.”
The silence on the other end was deafening. Sam could practically hear her mother’s brain recalibrating, trying to process this unprecedented response from her eternally accommodating daughter.
“Are you feeling alright? You never say no to family.”
Exactly, Sam thought. That’s the problem.
Over the next three months, Sam discovered that setting boundaries during her transition was like learning to breathe underwater—terrifying at first, but absolutely essential for survival. She hired a business manager, delegated more to her team, and for the first time in her adult life, she said no to things that didn’t align with her vision for her future.
The pushback was immediate and uncomfortable. Her business partners questioned her commitment. Her family accused her of being selfish. Regular customers complained when she wasn’t personally available to handle their every request. But something magical happened in the space she created: clarity.
Sam realised she now wanted to teach cooking, not just run restaurants. She wanted to travel, to learn regional cuisines, to write the cookbook that had been living in her head for years. She wanted to fall in love again—with food, with life, with herself.
The smell of her grandmother’s kitchen, which had been buried under years of commercial kitchen stress, came flooding back. The taste of simple, perfectly ripe tomatoes. The feel of bread dough responding to her touch. The sound of genuine laughter over a shared meal. The sight of someone’s face lighting up when they took their first bite of something she’d created with love instead of obligation.
Six months later, Sam stood in a small cooking school in Tuscany, teaching a class of twelve enthusiastic students how to make pasta from scratch. The late afternoon sun streamed through the windows, casting everything in golden light. Her hands were covered in flour again, but this time it felt like possibility instead of prison.
“The secret,” she told her students, kneading the dough with practised ease, “isn’t just in the technique. It’s in knowing when to say no to everything else so you can say yes to what matters.”
Five Key Takeaways
1. Boundaries Are Not Walls, They’re Bridges
Think of boundaries as sophisticated filters, not barricades. They don’t shut people out; they create space for authentic connection. When Sam learned to say no to obligatory family catering gigs, she created room for meaningful conversations with her mother about her dreams and fears. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is refuse to enable someone’s unhealthy patterns—including your own.
2. The Guilt Is a GPS, Not a Stop Sign
That uncomfortable feeling when you first set a boundary? That’s your old programming having a tantrum. Guilt during transitions often signals that you’re moving in the right direction, challenging patterns that no longer serve you. As Maya Angelou wisely said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” This includes when you show yourself who you’re becoming.
3. Start Small, Think Big
You don’t need to revolutionise your entire life overnight. Sam started by saying no to one family obligation. From that tiny seed grew a complete life transformation. Practice boundary-setting with low-stakes situations first—declining that committee position, limiting phone calls to certain hours, or simply saying, “Let me think about it” instead of automatically agreeing.
4. Boundaries Require Maintenance
Like gardens, boundaries need regular tending. People will test them, and you’ll be tempted to abandon them when things get uncomfortable. During transitions, this maintenance becomes even more crucial because everyone around you is also adjusting to your changes. Consistency is key—wishy-washy boundaries are like broken fences that invite more trampling.
5. The Right People Will Respect Your Boundaries
Here’s the beautiful truth: the people who belong in your new chapter will celebrate your boundaries, not resent them. They’ll see your self-respect as an invitation to examine their own lives. The ones who fight your boundaries hardest are often the ones who’ve been benefiting from your lack of them. This isn’t always malicious—sometimes people resist change because it forces them to confront their own need for growth.
Write It Out
Grab your journal and a cup of something warm. Find a quiet space where you won’t be interrupted. Now, write about a time when you said “yes” to something that ultimately drained your energy or moved you further from your authentic self.
Explore these questions:
What did that “yes” cost you?
What were you afraid would happen if you said “no”?
What boundary could you have set that would have protected your energy while still honoring your values?
If you could go back and have that conversation again, what would you say?
Now, flip the script. Write about a time when saying “no” led to something beautiful or opened a door you didn’t expect. Notice how it felt in your body to honor your own needs.
Additional Exercises for Boundary Building
The Energy Audit: For one week, track your energy levels after different interactions and commitments. Notice patterns. What consistently drains you? What energises you? This data becomes your boundary-setting roadmap.
The Boundary Script Practice: Write out actual scripts for common boundary-setting scenarios. Practice saying them out loud until they feel natural. “I appreciate you thinking of me, but I won’t be able to take that on right now.” Simple, kind, final.
The Future Self Visualisation: Imagine yourself one year from now, living with healthy boundaries. What does your typical day look like? How do you feel? What opportunities have opened up? Let this vision guide your current boundary decisions.
Five Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Won’t setting boundaries during transitions hurt my relationships? A: Boundaries might change your relationships, but they rarely hurt healthy ones. The relationships that suffer are usually the ones that were dependent on your inability to say no. Real relationships grow stronger when both people operate from authenticity rather than obligation.
Q: How do I know if I’m being selfish or just setting healthy boundaries? A: Selfishness seeks to take from others; healthy boundaries seek to preserve your ability to give authentically. If you’re constantly depleted, you have nothing genuine to offer anyway. As the aeroplane safety instructions remind us: put on your own oxygen mask first.
Q: What if I set a boundary and then regret it? A: Boundaries aren’t carved in stone. You can adjust them as you learn and grow. The key is making conscious choices rather than automatic responses. Even a “wrong” boundary teaches you something valuable about your needs and values.
Q: How do I handle the guilt and pushback from family and friends? A: Remember that their discomfort with your boundaries often reflects their own need for growth. Stay compassionate but firm. You can acknowledge their feelings without changing your decision: “I understand you’re disappointed, and I’m still not available for that commitment.”
Q: Is it too late to start setting boundaries if I’ve never had them before? A: It’s never too late to start living authentically. Yes, people might be surprised by your newfound backbone, but that’s their adjustment to make, not your problem to solve. Every day is a chance to choose differently.
The Conclusion: Your Transition, Your Rules
Life transitions are like renovating a house while you’re still living in it—messy, disruptive, and absolutely necessary for creating the space you need to thrive. Boundaries during these periods aren’t just helpful; they’re essential survival tools that protect your energy, preserve your sanity, and create the conditions for authentic transformation.
Sam’s story reminds us that the people who truly love us want to see us flourish, not just function. They want to know the real us, not the people-pleasing version we’ve been performing for years. When we set boundaries during transitions, we’re not just protecting ourselves—we’re modelling for others what it looks like to live with intention and self-respect.
The beautiful irony is that by learning to say no to what doesn’t serve us, we become infinitely more capable of saying yes to what does. We create space for opportunities we never could have imagined, relationships that nourish rather than drain us, and a life that feels authentically ours.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by uncertainty about your future, you’re not alone. Transitions are inherently uncertain, but they’re also where the magic happens. They’re where we discover who we really are beneath all the expectations and obligations.
Are you ready to discover what’s possible when you create space for your authentic self to emerge? Take our “Are you feeling overwhelmed by uncertainty about your future?” quiz to gain clarity on your next steps and learn how to navigate your transition with confidence and boundaries that actually work.
The Short and Sharp Summary
Why boundaries are crucially important during life transitions: Because transitions are vulnerable times when everyone has opinions about your choices, and without clear boundaries, you’ll end up living someone else’s version of your life instead of your own. Boundaries during transitions aren’t barriers—they’re the scaffolding that supports your transformation, protecting your energy and creating space for authentic growth. They’re the difference between being swept away by change and consciously choosing your next chapter.
Isn’t it Time to Start Living in Alignment with Who You Are Now?
Why Join the Radical Renaissance Revolution?
Because you are ready for more than just survival—you are ready for reinvention, a fresh start, a next chapter and a life that feels undeniably yours.
It’s a movement designed for those who refuse to settle for mediocrity, who feel the pull of something greater, and who are ready to reclaim their power, purpose, and legacy.
If any of this resonates, the Radical Renaissance Revolution (RRR) is for you:
1. You are struggling with a Major Life Change/Event/Transition
What qualifies as a major life change? Starting or selling a business, moving to a different city or country, getting promoted, retiring from work, going through a divorce or separation, starting a new relationship after a breakup, recovering from an illness or injury, completing a major personal or professional project, losing a loved one or experiencing a significant bereavement, going back to school to pursue further education, changing careers or industries, downsizing, coming out or undergoing a gender transition, have empty nest syndrome as your children have moved out of the family home, recovering from addiction or going through rehabilitation, reentering the workforce after a career break, going through menopause or other significant hormonal changes, starting or ending a significant friendship, financially transitioning from dependence to independence, or taking on caregiving responsibilities for an ageing parent or family member has you searching for solid ground and a clear path forward. The RRR provides the roadmap to ensure you don’t just get through it—you rise from the wreckage stronger than ever before.
2. You Are Experiencing a Midlife Awakening
At a certain age, any time between 35 and 75, you start questioning what truly matters to you. The urgency to leave a legacy, make an impact, or contribute beyond yourself takes centre stage. This is where having a life purpose and living a meaningful life suddenly becomes essential. If you’ve hit this stage, it’s not a crisis—it’s an invitation. The Radical Renaissance Revolution helps you step into your most impactful chapter yet.
3. You Are Ready to Reinvent Yourself
Success isn’t enough if it no longer fits you. Whether you’re burned out, uninspired, or craving something different, this revolution equips you with the clarity and courage to pivot powerfully and on your terms. Reinvention isn’t just possible—it’s necessary.
4. You Seek Deeper, More Meaningful Connections
Purpose and relationships are inseparable. When you realign your life with what truly matters, the right people—your people—appear. The RRR doesn’t just help you find your purpose; it helps you find your tribe.
5. You Need a North Star for Your Next Chapter
The biggest transitions—career shifts, retirement, personal reinventions—can feel like free falls without direction. Whether you’re moving from empty nest to business owner, CEO to mentor, entrepreneur to philanthropist, or executive to artist, the RRR ensures your next move is intentional, aligned, and powerful.
6. You Want to Leave a Legacy That Matters
You refuse to waste your potential. You didn’t come this far just to plateau. The thought of looking back with regret—knowing you could have done more, contributed more, been more—is unacceptable. You start asking yourself: What am I really leaving behind? Wealth and accolades are temporary, but impact endures. The RRR ensures you direct your talents, influence, and ambition toward something that truly fulfils you. It helps you create a legacy that is meaningful, lasting, and uniquely yours.
7. You Need a New Source of Drive and Motivation
When external success stops fueling you, it’s time to look inward. A life without purpose feels stagnant—no matter how much you’ve achieved. Success gives you options, but it doesn’t guarantee happiness. If you feel restless, uninspired, or disconnected despite your success, it’s because achievement isn’t the same as alignment. This revolution isn’t about fixing something broken—it’s about unlocking the missing piece that turns success into true significance.
The Question Is Not “Why Join?”— It’s “Why Wait?”
If you see yourself in any of these, the Radical Renaissance Revolution is your answer. Your reinvention isn’t just possible—it’s inevitable. The only thing left to decide is whether you’ll step into it now or wait until the restlessness turns into regret.
The Radical Renaissance Revolution Step-by-Step
This isn’t just a series of isolated programs—it’s a step-by-step journey designed to transform every facet of your identity, so you move from crisis to clarity, from struggle to strength, and ultimately, from surviving to thriving. Each phase builds upon the last, ensuring you gain the necessary insights, tools, and momentum to evolve into your highest self.
1. Surviving a Life Quake Crisis Intervention When life throws you a seismic disruption, immediate clarity is essential. This intervention provides the urgent stabilisation and actionable insights you need to navigate major life changes. It’s your launchpad, ensuring you’re not merely surviving but primed for transformation.
2. The Purpose Protocol Once you’ve stabilised, it’s time to redefine your “why.” The Purpose Protocol helps you rediscover your core purpose and align your actions with your values. This step sets a clear direction, transforming chaos into focused energy and ambition.
3. The Road Map to Resilience With your purpose redefined, building resilience becomes the next critical milestone. This roadmap equips you with strategies to develop unshakable inner strength, enabling you to face future challenges head-on. It transforms newfound purpose into enduring power.
4. iNFINITE iMPACT Manifesto Armed with purpose and resilience, you then enter a phase of exclusive one-on-one high-level mentorship. This stage connects you with a top-tier guide who accelerates your growth, ensuring that your transformation translates into real-world impact. It’s where your inner evolution meets external success.
5. From Troubled to Triumphant Culminating in a transformational retreat on the Camino de Santiago in the southwest of France, this immersive experience is the ultimate consolidation of your journey. Here, you step away from everyday distractions to solidify your growth in an environment designed for deep, reflective change.
6. Legacy Lab Catalyst The final evolution focuses on crafting your lasting legacy. In this phase, you refine and amplify your impact, ensuring that your transformation creates a ripple effect in your personal and professional world—solidifying the mark of your Radical Renaissance Revolution.
Power-Packed Courses (e.g., Setting RockSolid Boundaries): Targeted lessons to build essential skills at each stage.
The Radical Renaissance Community: A high-caliber network offering ongoing support, accountability, and inspiration.
The Radical Renaissance Revolution is a step-by-step journey designed to guide you from crisis to a more meaningful and impactful life—but transformation isn’t always linear. You don’t have to start at the beginning. Whether you’re in the middle of a major life upheaval, seeking a renewed sense of purpose, or ready to build your legacy, you can step in at the phase that aligns with where you are right now. Each stage is powerful on its own, but having said that, the effect is most remarkable when the RRR is taken step-by-step.
Wherever you begin though, you’ll be exactly where you need to be.
Why You Move From One Step to the Next:
Immediate Crisis Resolution: You start by stabilising and gaining clarity during life’s most turbulent moments.
Purpose Discovery: Once stable, you harness that energy to uncover your deeper motivations.
Resilience Building: With a clear purpose, you fortify your inner strength to withstand future challenges.
Immersive Transformation: An exclusive retreat solidifies and magnifies your growth in a life-changing environment.
Legacy Creation: Finally, you refine your influence to ensure your transformation endures and inspires others.
Your Challenge: This week, map out your own transformational journey by identifying which of the steps above you currently need to focus on. Click on the link and explore each step, discover what resonates. Then, take concrete action and join the program that will propel you to the next stage.
Are you ready to join the Radical Renaissance Revolution?
Imagine waking up every morning with absolute certainty that you’re on the right path—The RRR is about discovering the thread that weaves all your achievements, relationships, and aspirations, at this point of your life, together into a meaningful whole.
The fog lifts. The doubt dissolves.
Your transformation is deeply personal, touching every aspect of your life. Knowing your life purpose would give you a profound sense of clarity, fulfilment, and inner peace—a feeling that you’re finally living in alignment with who you truly are, not just what you’ve achieved.
You will feel:
Relieved: This sense of relief runs deeper than just checking a box. It’s like finally solving a puzzle that’s been nagging at you for years. Imagine that persistent feeling of “something’s missing” being replaced with absolute clarity. You’d understand not just what you want to do, but why you’re uniquely suited to do it. This relief would touch every aspect of your life, from career decisions to personal relationships.
Energised: This isn’t the temporary high of caffeine or a motivational speech you heard. It’s a sustainable, renewable energy that comes from within. When you’re aligned with your purpose, even challenging tasks feel invigorating rather than draining. You’d find yourself tackling projects with enthusiasm, not because you have to, but because they genuinely excite you. This energy would be contagious, inspiring others around you.
Liberated: Freedom from the golden handcuffs of success. Many high-achievers feel trapped by their own accomplishments, afraid to pivot or change direction. Understanding your purpose gives you permission to say no to “good” opportunities that don’t align with your true calling. You’d feel free to make unconventional choices without worrying about others’ judgments because you’d be grounded in your why.
Deeply Satisfied: This satisfaction goes beyond the fleeting pleasure of achievements. It’s a bone-deep contentment that comes from knowing your work matters. Instead of constantly seeking the next accomplishment, you’d find fulfilment in the process itself. Your actions would carry meaning beyond their immediate results, creating ripples of positive impact.
Peaceful: This peace isn’t passive—it’s a dynamic state of being where internal conflict dissolves. The constant questioning of “should I be doing something else?” would fade away. You’d face decisions with clarity, knowing they’re aligned with your values and long-term vision. Even in these challenging times, you’ll maintain an underlying sense of certainty about your direction.
Connected: This connection transforms how you relate to everything and everyone. Work becomes more than transactions; relationships deepen beyond surface-level interactions. You’d feel part of something larger than yourself, whether that’s your community, your industry, or a global movement. This sense of connection would inform every interaction, making even routine tasks feel meaningful.
Inspired: Purpose unleashes creativity in unexpected ways. You’d start seeing opportunities and solutions where others see obstacles. This inspiration would flow naturally, not forced, leading to innovative approaches in both your professional and personal life. Your unique perspective would allow you to contribute fresh ideas that others might miss.
Quietly Confident: This confidence isn’t arrogance—it’s clarity. When you know your purpose, decisions become simpler because you have a clear framework for evaluating opportunities. You’d move forward with conviction, even in uncertainty, because you’d trust your inner compass. This confidence would extend beyond career choices to all life decisions.
Grateful: This gratitude transforms your relationship with success. Instead of feeling like you’re always playing catch-up, you’d appreciate both where you are and where you’re heading. You’d recognize the value in your journey, including the challenges that shaped you. This gratitude would create a positive feedback loop, attracting more opportunities aligned with your purpose.
Powerful: This power comes from alignment rather than force. When your actions serve a greater purpose, your influence naturally expands. You’d find yourself making an impact not just through what you do, but through who you are. This authentic power would attract like-minded people and create opportunities for collaborative impact that extend far beyond your individual reach.
Each of these transformations builds on and reinforces the others, creating a positive spiral of growth and fulfilment. When you’re operating from purpose, these emotional states become your new normal, rather than temporary peaks you’re struggling to maintain.
“I am an experienced medical doctor – MBChB, MRCGP, NLP master pract cert, Transformational Life Coach (dip.) Life Story Coach (cert.) Stress Counselling (cert.) Med Hypnotherapy (dip.) and EAGALA (cert.) I may have an impressive number of letters after my name, and more than three decades of professional experience, but what qualifies me to excel at what I do is my intuitive understanding of my clients’ difficulties and my extensive personal experience of managing major life changes using strategies I developed over many years.” Dr M Montagu
The Purpose Pursuit Protocol -a proven, structured process designed and tailor-made specifically for high-achievers who refuse to settle for surface-level success. We strip away the noise, the expectations, the external definitions of “making it,” and get to the core of what actually drives you. The work that electrifies you. The contribution that makes your life matter.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, or on the edge of burnout, you need immediate support. The Road Map to Resilience: Burnout to Brilliance online course (with the option of adding coaching sessions) is designed for exactly that: a practical, step-by-step course to help you regain control, rebuild your energy, and find clarity in the chaos. This isn’t a quick fix—it’s about proven strategies to calm your nervous system, shift your mindset, and create sustainable resilience. No need to cope with this on your own—let’s get you back on track.
Get rid of the nagging emptiness of “Is this all there is?” and step into a life where your accomplishments feel as purposeful, meaningful and fulfilling as they are impressive. Thisunique mentoring program empowers you to unearth the mission that sets your soul on fire and aligns your life with what truly matters to you—beyond success metrics and societal expectations.
Hit the pause button and regain your footing during a From Troubled to Triumphant Retreat. Imagine walking a peaceful stretch of the Camino de Santiago, where every step helps untangle the mental clutter or spending time with gentle Friesian horses who teach you the art of mindfulness. Whether you choose to make a change or are forced to, this retreat offers the perfect blend of peace, perspective, and playful exploration to help you rise from troubled to triumphant!
The holiday season is the perfect time to reconnect with old friends. Life transitions often pull us in different directions, but that doesn’t mean the bond is lost. Sometimes, reaching out after years apart can feel like picking up right where you left off.
Think about someone you’ve lost touch with—a friend who once meant a lot to you. What would it feel like to reconnect? You might just reignite a friendship that brings new joy and comfort.
Journaling Prompt: Who is one friend you’d like to reconnect with? What’s one thing you’d like to say to them?
Action Step: Send a message to an old friend today. It could be as simple as “I was thinking of you and hope you’re doing well.”
Interactive Comment: Ready to reach out to an old friend? Comment with “Old bonds, new beginnings!”
Would you like to find out what type of friend YOU are? How well do you know your friends? If you and a new friend really are compatible? I have created a set of light-hearted quizzes, quotes and questions to help you do just that. Just fill in the form below and you’ll get immediate access to them all. I’ll also add you to my newsletter list, though you can unsubscribe from this list effortlessly and at any time. Included:
– How well do you know your Friends? Quiz – What is Your Friendship Style? and Are your Friendship Styles compatible? Quiz – 20 of the Most Inspiring Friends and Friendship Quotes and – 20 lighthearted Questions you can ask to get to know a new Friend
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Friends and Friendships
Discover how to build meaningful, lasting friendships and create a support system that truly has your back—delivered straight to your inbox! (newsletter subscription included)
Thank you so much!
More information about making friends and maintaining friendships (including the quizzes I mentioned) is on its way to you. You have also successfully subscribed to my newsletter.
It’s time to kick exhaustion to the curb and finally ditch that terminally overwhelmed feeling, evict your inner critic, declutter your mind and take control of your life like a boss. You’re about to turn your life from a comedy of errors into a blockbuster success story (with a much better soundtrack). This two-day online course is designed for anyone facing a major life transition, needing to dramatically reduce stress, end exhaustion and overwhelm, and prevent or recover from burnout.
Let’s face it: relationships are like plants. Some thrive with a little neglect (looking at you, cactus friendships), while others wilt the second you forget to water them. But when life hands you burnout instead of butterflies, it’s time to pause and ask: Are my friendships actually helping me grow—or are they part of the reason I’m fried?
Cue the Friendship Audit. This isn’t a breakup blueprint or a list of ways to ghost that one high-maintenance friend (even if they do make you want to throw your phone into the nearest lake). Instead, it’s about reflecting on who’s truly in your corner—and who’s just crowding your calendar.
.The Big Question: Who’s Got Your Back?
Start by taking a mental inventory of your friendships. Grab a journal, a cup of tea/coffee/hot chocolate, and ask yourself:
Which friends make me feel lighter after talking to them?
Who supports me without needing to be the centre of my universe?
Are there people I secretly dread seeing but feel guilty about letting go?
The truth is, the best friendships aren’t about constant cheerleading or toxic positivity. They’re about showing up in the mess, handing you tissues when you cry over spilled oat milk, and saying, “Burnout? Been there. Let’s order pizza and rage-watch bad reality TV.”
I have always been aware that solid friendships can significantly influence burnout, positively. I haven’t given much thought to the other side of the coin, that “friendships” can also influence burnout negatively.
Toxic friends can not only influence, but significantly exacerbate burnout, particularly during life transitions. These challenging periods already demand substantial emotional resources, making us more vulnerable to stress. These “friends” often drain our energy further by consistently making us feel bad, disrespecting boundaries, and failing to provide genuine support[.
During major life changes, when we need understanding and encouragement the most, toxic friends may instead criticise, belittle our efforts, or simply discourage us. Their negative influence can intensify feelings of anxiety, self-doubt, and emotional exhaustion, which are common symptoms of burnout. Toxic friends can alienate us from other supportive relationships, leaving us without the necessary rest and emotional rejuvenation crucial for managing life changes. This combination of increased stress, lack of support, and emotional depletion can push an already exhausted person further into burnout, making the process of adapting to new life circumstances even more challenging.
Burnout Busters vs. the Burnout Boosters
Friendships should be a two-way street, not a traffic jam of unmet expectations. Here’s your cheat sheet:
Burnout Busters: ✅ Friends who listen without waiting for their turn to talk. ✅ People who respect your boundaries (and don’t guilt-trip you for skipping that 9 p.m. group hang). ✅ Cheerleaders who celebrate your wins—even the small ones like finally folding laundry.
Burnout Boosters: 🚩 The “fixers” who can’t help but give unsolicited advice. 🚩 Energy vampires who turn every convo into a therapy session for them. 🚩 Those who mock your struggles, subtly or not. (“Burnout? From what? All that Netflix?”)
Spotting the Burnout Boosters
Burnout Boosters cause:
Emotional exhaustion: You feel drained or depleted after social interactions, even brief or seemingly positive ones.
Decreased desire for social engagement: You are reluctant to make plans, avoid social activities, and leave messages unanswered.
Overwhelm: You experience anxiety or stress when these “friends” contact you.
Irritability and resentment: You become easily annoyed with these friends over minor issues or you find yourself harboring grudges.
A loss of interest: You struggle to connect with these friends in a pleasurable or meaningful way.
A sense of obligation: You feel guilty when saying no to these friends or you prioritise their needs over your own.
Lack of enthusiasm: You no longer feel excited about spending time with these friends or find previously enjoyable activities burdensome.
Avoidance behaviour: You are constantly making excuses to avoid spending time with these friends or frequently cancel plans.
Mood swings: You experience irritability or quick-temperedness leading to tension in friendships.
Reduced self-care: You neglect your own physical and emotional needs due to burnout.
Feeling powerless: You feel a growing sense of pessimism about the future of the friendship.
Outgrowing the friendship: You start to feel pressured to act inauthentically as you’ve grown and developed as a person.
Journaling Prompts to Help You Audit Your Inner Circle
To figure out who deserves a prime spot in your emotional VIP section, try these journaling prompts:
1. When was the last time I left a friend feeling genuinely energised? Who was I with?
What made me feel so good? Was it the conversation, the activities, or just the vibe?
Did I feel seen and heard, or was it more about their presence putting me at ease?
How often do I prioritise spending time with this person, and could I make more space for them in my life?
2. Which friendships feel easy, like slipping into your favourite hoodie?
What makes this friendship feel so comfortable? Is it their sense of humour, the shared history, or their non-judgmental nature?
Do I feel like I can fully be myself around them—flaws, quirks, and all?
How do I contribute to the ease of this friendship? Do I show up with the same openness and care?
3. Is there anyone I avoid texting back because it feels exhausting?
What specifically about this relationship drains me—are they overly negative, needy, or dismissive of my feelings?
Do I feel like this friendship is one-sided, or that I’m giving more than I get?
What emotions come up when I think about spending time with this person—anxiety, guilt, resentment?
If I were to set a boundary with this person, what might that look like, and how would it feel?
4. Who shows up when I’m struggling—not just when I’m fun?
When I’ve been at my lowest, who has offered meaningful support? (Think: a listening ear, practical help, or simply being present.)
How do I feel when I reach out to this person—safe, validated, or afraid to be vulnerable?
What are the small but significant ways this person makes me feel cared for? (e.g., “They text me good luck before my big meeting,” “They remember my coffee order”)
Have I expressed gratitude for their support? If not, how can I show them that they matter to me?
5. What do my closest friendships say about me?How do I show up as a friend?
Are my friendships a reflection of who I am now—or who I used to be?
Do these relationships align with my values and goals, or are they tied to an old version of myself?
Am I someone who listens, celebrates others’ successes, and provides support without needing anything in return?
What’s one thing I can do this week to strengthen a friendship I value?
These prompts give you the opportunity to not only assess your friendships but also to actionably improve your friendships.
Write it all down, no filter. You might be surprised at what comes up (and who doesn’t).
The Lean-In List: Your Support Squad
Once you’ve done the journaling, create a “Lean-In List” of friends who genuinely lift you up. These are the people to text first when you’re spiralling steadily into depression. think of your Lean-In List as your dream team—your emotional Avengers, the people you can count on when life feels more like Endgame than a casual Tuesday.
How to Build Your Lean-In List
Creating this list isn’t about ranking your friends. It’s about intentionally identifying the relationships that truly nourish you—and that you want to nurture in return. Who’s shown up for you when life was messy?
Focus on Reciprocity: Relationships are meant to be a two-way street. Lean-In List members aren’t just great for you—you’re great for them, too. Think of friendships where support flows both ways. This isn’t about quantity. A Lean-In List with two solid names can be more powerful than a phonebook of acquaintances.
How to Use Your Lean-In List
A Lean-In List is only as good as the effort you put into it. Here’s how to make it your burnout-fighting secret weapon:
Reach Out Regularly: Whether it’s a quick text, a silly meme, or a standing coffee date, keep these relationships warm and thriving.
Be Honest About What You Need: Texts like “I’m feeling overwhelmed—can you talk?” aren’t burdens; they’re trust builders. The right people want to support you, not just hear about your wins.
Show Up for Them, Too: Burnout isn’t a solo sport, and chances are your Lean-In List members could use your support just as much as you need theirs.
In less than 2 hours a day, twice a day, for two days, you will learn:
How to get a fully restorative, refreshing and rejuvenating night’s sleep, night after night, so that you will stop feeling exhausted, have all the energy you need to get through the day, stop on the way home to shop for healthier food and even get some exercise two or three times a week.
How you can use three highly effective science-based resilience rituals that can help you to rewire your brain so that you’ll be able to cope more effectively with whatever challenges come your way, without getting irritated or frustrated because you are too tired to concentrate.
How to incorporate these rituals in a short, simple, time-saving tried-and-tested morning and evening routine that can help you burnout-proof your life once and for all, increase your resilience and safeguard your mental and physical health every time you go through a life transition.
It’s time to kick exhaustion to the curb and finally ditch that terminally overwhelmed feeling, evict your inner critic, declutter your mind and take control of your life like a boss.
By the end of the course, you won’t just have a Lean-In List—you’ll have the confidence, tools, and energy to lean on it, too.
Your Lean-In List is more than just a list; it’s your safety net, it’s your lifeline during burnout. When you take the time to nurture those connections—and yourself—getting from burnout to breakthrough doesn’t just feel possible. It feels inevitable.
Final Thoughts: Know When to Let Go
It’s okay to outgrow friendships. Not every relationship is meant to last forever, and that’s not a failure—it’s growth. The Friendship Self-Audit isn’t about cutting people off left and right; it’s about creating space for relationships that nourish you.
There are several healthy ways to distance yourself from a toxic friend:
Gradually reduce contact: Slowly decrease your interactions and availability, responding less frequently to messages and declining invitations politely.
Set clear boundaries: Limit your interactions and communicate your need for space if you feel safe doing so.
Focus on other relationships: Deepen existing healthy friendships and engage in new activities to meet like-minded people.
Mute or unfollow on social media: Prevent anxiety-provoking notifications by muting their messages and unfollowing them on social platforms.
Keep conversations neutral: When interacting, discuss only neutral topics, keep answers brief, and avoid confiding in them.
Prioritise self-care: Engage in activities that promote your well-being and emotional health.
Seek support: Confide in trustworthy friends or family members about your decision to distance yourself.
Be consistent: Once you’ve started distancing yourself, maintain your stance to avoid falling back into the toxic friendship.
Practice forgiveness: For your own emotional health, work on forgiving the toxic friend, which can help you move on.
Reflect on the friendship: Take time to evaluate how the relationship affects you and recognize its negative impact on your life.
It’s okay to prioritise your well-being and happiness when dealing with toxic friendships, especially during life transitions.
Author Bio: Dr Margaretha Montagu – described as a “game changer”, “gifted healer”, “guiding light” and “life-enriching author” – is an experienced medical doctor, a certified NLP practitioner, a medical hypnotherapist, an equine-assisted psychotherapist (EAGALAcertified) and a transformational retreat leader who guides her clients through life transitions – virtually, or with the assistance of her Friesian and Falabella horses, at their home in the southwest of France.
It’s time to kick exhaustion to the curb and finally ditch that terminally overwhelmed feeling, evict your inner critic, declutter your mind and take control of your life like a boss. You’re about to turn your life from a comedy of errors into a blockbuster success story (with a much better soundtrack). This two-day online course is designed for anyone facing a major life transition, needing to dramatically reduce stress, end exhaustion and overwhelm, and prevent or recover from burnout.
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