The holiday season is the perfect time to reconnect with old friends. Life transitions often pull us in different directions, but that doesn’t mean the bond is lost. Sometimes, reaching out after years apart can feel like picking up right where you left off.
Think about someone you’ve lost touch with—a friend who once meant a lot to you. What would it feel like to reconnect? You might just reignite a friendship that brings new joy and comfort.
Journaling Prompt: Who is one friend you’d like to reconnect with? What’s one thing you’d like to say to them?
Action Step: Send a message to an old friend today. It could be as simple as “I was thinking of you and hope you’re doing well.”
Interactive Comment: Ready to reach out to an old friend? Comment with “Old bonds, new beginnings!”
Would you like to find out what type of friend YOU are? How well do you know your friends? If you and a new friend really are compatible? I have created a set of light-hearted quizzes, quotes and questions to help you do just that. Just fill in the form below and you’ll get immediate access to them all. I’ll also add you to my newsletter list, though you can unsubscribe from this list effortlessly and at any time. Included:
– How well do you know your Friends? Quiz – What is Your Friendship Style? and Are your Friendship Styles compatible? Quiz – 20 of the Most Inspiring Friends and Friendship Quotes and – 20 lighthearted Questions you can ask to get to know a new Friend
Discover how to build meaningful, lasting friendships and create a support system that truly has your back—delivered straight to your inbox!
Friends and Friendships
Discover how to build meaningful, lasting friendships and create a support system that truly has your back—delivered straight to your inbox! (newsletter subscription included)
Thank you so much!
More information about making friends and maintaining friendships (including the quizzes I mentioned) is on its way to you. You have also successfully subscribed to my newsletter.
It’s time to kick exhaustion to the curb and finally ditch that terminally overwhelmed feeling, evict your inner critic, declutter your mind and take control of your life like a boss. You’re about to turn your life from a comedy of errors into a blockbuster success story (with a much better soundtrack). This two-day online course is designed for anyone facing a major life transition, needing to dramatically reduce stress, end exhaustion and overwhelm, and prevent or recover from burnout.
Let’s face it: relationships are like plants. Some thrive with a little neglect (looking at you, cactus friendships), while others wilt the second you forget to water them. But when life hands you burnout instead of butterflies, it’s time to pause and ask: Are my friendships actually helping me grow—or are they part of the reason I’m fried?
Cue the Friendship Audit. This isn’t a breakup blueprint or a list of ways to ghost that one high-maintenance friend (even if they do make you want to throw your phone into the nearest lake). Instead, it’s about reflecting on who’s truly in your corner—and who’s just crowding your calendar.
.The Big Question: Who’s Got Your Back?
Start by taking a mental inventory of your friendships. Grab a journal, a cup of tea/coffee/hot chocolate, and ask yourself:
Which friends make me feel lighter after talking to them?
Who supports me without needing to be the centre of my universe?
Are there people I secretly dread seeing but feel guilty about letting go?
The truth is, the best friendships aren’t about constant cheerleading or toxic positivity. They’re about showing up in the mess, handing you tissues when you cry over spilled oat milk, and saying, “Burnout? Been there. Let’s order pizza and rage-watch bad reality TV.”
I have always been aware that solid friendships can significantly influence burnout, positively. I haven’t given much thought to the other side of the coin, that “friendships” can also influence burnout negatively.
Toxic friends can not only influence, but significantly exacerbate burnout, particularly during life transitions. These challenging periods already demand substantial emotional resources, making us more vulnerable to stress. These “friends” often drain our energy further by consistently making us feel bad, disrespecting boundaries, and failing to provide genuine support[.
During major life changes, when we need understanding and encouragement the most, toxic friends may instead criticise, belittle our efforts, or simply discourage us. Their negative influence can intensify feelings of anxiety, self-doubt, and emotional exhaustion, which are common symptoms of burnout. Toxic friends can alienate us from other supportive relationships, leaving us without the necessary rest and emotional rejuvenation crucial for managing life changes. This combination of increased stress, lack of support, and emotional depletion can push an already exhausted person further into burnout, making the process of adapting to new life circumstances even more challenging.
Burnout Busters vs. the Burnout Boosters
Friendships should be a two-way street, not a traffic jam of unmet expectations. Here’s your cheat sheet:
Burnout Busters: ✅ Friends who listen without waiting for their turn to talk. ✅ People who respect your boundaries (and don’t guilt-trip you for skipping that 9 p.m. group hang). ✅ Cheerleaders who celebrate your wins—even the small ones like finally folding laundry.
Burnout Boosters: 🚩 The “fixers” who can’t help but give unsolicited advice. 🚩 Energy vampires who turn every convo into a therapy session for them. 🚩 Those who mock your struggles, subtly or not. (“Burnout? From what? All that Netflix?”)
Spotting the Burnout Boosters
Burnout Boosters cause:
Emotional exhaustion: You feel drained or depleted after social interactions, even brief or seemingly positive ones.
Decreased desire for social engagement: You are reluctant to make plans, avoid social activities, and leave messages unanswered.
Overwhelm: You experience anxiety or stress when these “friends” contact you.
Irritability and resentment: You become easily annoyed with these friends over minor issues or you find yourself harboring grudges.
A loss of interest: You struggle to connect with these friends in a pleasurable or meaningful way.
A sense of obligation: You feel guilty when saying no to these friends or you prioritise their needs over your own.
Lack of enthusiasm: You no longer feel excited about spending time with these friends or find previously enjoyable activities burdensome.
Avoidance behaviour: You are constantly making excuses to avoid spending time with these friends or frequently cancel plans.
Mood swings: You experience irritability or quick-temperedness leading to tension in friendships.
Reduced self-care: You neglect your own physical and emotional needs due to burnout.
Feeling powerless: You feel a growing sense of pessimism about the future of the friendship.
Outgrowing the friendship: You start to feel pressured to act inauthentically as you’ve grown and developed as a person.
Journaling Prompts to Help You Audit Your Inner Circle
To figure out who deserves a prime spot in your emotional VIP section, try these journaling prompts:
1. When was the last time I left a friend feeling genuinely energised? Who was I with?
What made me feel so good? Was it the conversation, the activities, or just the vibe?
Did I feel seen and heard, or was it more about their presence putting me at ease?
How often do I prioritise spending time with this person, and could I make more space for them in my life?
2. Which friendships feel easy, like slipping into your favourite hoodie?
What makes this friendship feel so comfortable? Is it their sense of humour, the shared history, or their non-judgmental nature?
Do I feel like I can fully be myself around them—flaws, quirks, and all?
How do I contribute to the ease of this friendship? Do I show up with the same openness and care?
3. Is there anyone I avoid texting back because it feels exhausting?
What specifically about this relationship drains me—are they overly negative, needy, or dismissive of my feelings?
Do I feel like this friendship is one-sided, or that I’m giving more than I get?
What emotions come up when I think about spending time with this person—anxiety, guilt, resentment?
If I were to set a boundary with this person, what might that look like, and how would it feel?
4. Who shows up when I’m struggling—not just when I’m fun?
When I’ve been at my lowest, who has offered meaningful support? (Think: a listening ear, practical help, or simply being present.)
How do I feel when I reach out to this person—safe, validated, or afraid to be vulnerable?
What are the small but significant ways this person makes me feel cared for? (e.g., “They text me good luck before my big meeting,” “They remember my coffee order”)
Have I expressed gratitude for their support? If not, how can I show them that they matter to me?
5. What do my closest friendships say about me?How do I show up as a friend?
Are my friendships a reflection of who I am now—or who I used to be?
Do these relationships align with my values and goals, or are they tied to an old version of myself?
Am I someone who listens, celebrates others’ successes, and provides support without needing anything in return?
What’s one thing I can do this week to strengthen a friendship I value?
These prompts give you the opportunity to not only assess your friendships but also to actionably improve your friendships.
Write it all down, no filter. You might be surprised at what comes up (and who doesn’t).
The Lean-In List: Your Support Squad
Once you’ve done the journaling, create a “Lean-In List” of friends who genuinely lift you up. These are the people to text first when you’re spiralling steadily into depression. think of your Lean-In List as your dream team—your emotional Avengers, the people you can count on when life feels more like Endgame than a casual Tuesday.
How to Build Your Lean-In List
Creating this list isn’t about ranking your friends. It’s about intentionally identifying the relationships that truly nourish you—and that you want to nurture in return. Who’s shown up for you when life was messy?
Focus on Reciprocity: Relationships are meant to be a two-way street. Lean-In List members aren’t just great for you—you’re great for them, too. Think of friendships where support flows both ways. This isn’t about quantity. A Lean-In List with two solid names can be more powerful than a phonebook of acquaintances.
How to Use Your Lean-In List
A Lean-In List is only as good as the effort you put into it. Here’s how to make it your burnout-fighting secret weapon:
Reach Out Regularly: Whether it’s a quick text, a silly meme, or a standing coffee date, keep these relationships warm and thriving.
Be Honest About What You Need: Texts like “I’m feeling overwhelmed—can you talk?” aren’t burdens; they’re trust builders. The right people want to support you, not just hear about your wins.
Show Up for Them, Too: Burnout isn’t a solo sport, and chances are your Lean-In List members could use your support just as much as you need theirs.
In less than 2 hours a day, twice a day, for two days, you will learn:
How to get a fully restorative, refreshing and rejuvenating night’s sleep, night after night, so that you will stop feeling exhausted, have all the energy you need to get through the day, stop on the way home to shop for healthier food and even get some exercise two or three times a week.
How you can use three highly effective science-based resilience rituals that can help you to rewire your brain so that you’ll be able to cope more effectively with whatever challenges come your way, without getting irritated or frustrated because you are too tired to concentrate.
How to incorporate these rituals in a short, simple, time-saving tried-and-tested morning and evening routine that can help you burnout-proof your life once and for all, increase your resilience and safeguard your mental and physical health every time you go through a life transition.
It’s time to kick exhaustion to the curb and finally ditch that terminally overwhelmed feeling, evict your inner critic, declutter your mind and take control of your life like a boss.
By the end of the course, you won’t just have a Lean-In List—you’ll have the confidence, tools, and energy to lean on it, too.
Your Lean-In List is more than just a list; it’s your safety net, it’s your lifeline during burnout. When you take the time to nurture those connections—and yourself—getting from burnout to breakthrough doesn’t just feel possible. It feels inevitable.
Final Thoughts: Know When to Let Go
It’s okay to outgrow friendships. Not every relationship is meant to last forever, and that’s not a failure—it’s growth. The Friendship Self-Audit isn’t about cutting people off left and right; it’s about creating space for relationships that nourish you.
There are several healthy ways to distance yourself from a toxic friend:
Gradually reduce contact: Slowly decrease your interactions and availability, responding less frequently to messages and declining invitations politely.
Set clear boundaries: Limit your interactions and communicate your need for space if you feel safe doing so.
Focus on other relationships: Deepen existing healthy friendships and engage in new activities to meet like-minded people.
Mute or unfollow on social media: Prevent anxiety-provoking notifications by muting their messages and unfollowing them on social platforms.
Keep conversations neutral: When interacting, discuss only neutral topics, keep answers brief, and avoid confiding in them.
Prioritise self-care: Engage in activities that promote your well-being and emotional health.
Seek support: Confide in trustworthy friends or family members about your decision to distance yourself.
Be consistent: Once you’ve started distancing yourself, maintain your stance to avoid falling back into the toxic friendship.
Practice forgiveness: For your own emotional health, work on forgiving the toxic friend, which can help you move on.
Reflect on the friendship: Take time to evaluate how the relationship affects you and recognize its negative impact on your life.
It’s okay to prioritise your well-being and happiness when dealing with toxic friendships, especially during life transitions.
Author Bio: Dr Margaretha Montagu – described as a “game changer”, “gifted healer”, “guiding light” and “life-enriching author” – is an experienced medical doctor, a certified NLP practitioner, a medical hypnotherapist, an equine-assisted psychotherapist (EAGALAcertified) and a transformational retreat leader who guides her clients through life transitions – virtually, or with the assistance of her Friesian and Falabella horses, at their home in the southwest of France.
It’s time to kick exhaustion to the curb and finally ditch that terminally overwhelmed feeling, evict your inner critic, declutter your mind and take control of your life like a boss. You’re about to turn your life from a comedy of errors into a blockbuster success story (with a much better soundtrack). This two-day online course is designed for anyone facing a major life transition, needing to dramatically reduce stress, end exhaustion and overwhelm, and prevent or recover from burnout.
The holidays can highlight the importance of family, but for some, traditional family relationships may feel strained or distant. This is where friends can become your chosen family—a group of people who truly see, accept, and support you.
Take a moment to appreciate the friends who’ve stepped into that role in your life. These relationships are a testament to the idea that family isn’t always about blood—it’s about love, loyalty, and shared experiences.
Journaling Prompt: Which of your friends feels like family to you? How can you show them your appreciation this holiday season?
Action Step: Reach out to a “chosen family” friend today and let them know how much they mean to you.
Interactive Comment: Cherish your chosen family? Comment with “Friends are family!”
Would you like to find out what type of friend YOU are? How well do you know your friends? If you and a new friend really are compatible? I have created a set of light-hearted quizzes, quotes and questions to help you do just that. Just fill in the form below and you’ll get immediate access to them all. I’ll also add you to my newsletter list, though you can unsubscribe from this list effortlessly and at any time. Included:
– How well do you know your Friends? Quiz
– What is Your Friendship Style? and Are your Friendship Styles compatible? Quiz
– 20 of the Most Inspiring Friends and Friendship Quotes and
– 20 lighthearted Questions you can ask to get to know a new Friend
Discover how to build meaningful, lasting friendships and create a support system that truly has your back—delivered straight to your inbox!
Friends and Friendships
Discover how to build meaningful, lasting friendships and create a support system that truly has your back—delivered straight to your inbox! (newsletter subscription included)
Thank you so much!
More information about making friends and maintaining friendships (including the quizzes I mentioned) is on its way to you. You have also successfully subscribed to my newsletter.
I put the essence of who I am, and everything I have experienced that makes me who I am, with great enthusiasm, into my retreats, courses and books. – Dr Margaretha Montagu (MBChB, MRCGP, NLP master pract cert, Transformational Life Coach dip, Counselling cert, Med Hyp Dip and EAGALA cert)
It’s time to kick exhaustion to the curb and finally ditch that terminally overwhelmed feeling, evict your inner critic, declutter your mind and take control of your life like a boss. You’re about to turn your life from a comedy of errors into a blockbuster success story (with a much better soundtrack). This two-day online course is designed for anyone facing a major life transition, needing to dramatically reduce stress, end exhaustion and overwhelm, and prevent or recover from burnout.
The holidays remind us of the joy of giving, but sometimes, we hesitate to give in friendships because we’re afraid it won’t be reciprocated. However, true generosity in friendships isn’t about keeping score; it’s about showing care and love because you want to.
A small act of kindness—a thoughtful message, a shared memory, or a surprise gesture—can brighten someone’s day in ways you might not even realize. Giving without expecting anything in return strengthens bonds and brings warmth to both you and your friend.
Journaling Prompt: What’s a small, thoughtful gesture you could do for a friend this week? How might it make them feel?
Action Step: Do one kind thing for a friend today. It could be sharing a funny memory, sending them a cheerful note, or surprising them with something they love.
Interactive Comment: Ready to give from the heart? Comment with “Giving is my gift!”
Would you like to find out what type of friend YOU are? How well do you know your friends? If you and a new friend really are compatible? I have created a set of light-hearted quizzes, quotes and questions to help you do just that. Just fill in the form below and you’ll get immediate access to them all. I’ll also add you to my newsletter list, though you can unsubscribe from this list effortlessly and at any time. Included:
– How well do you know your Friends? Quiz
– What is Your Friendship Style? and Are your Friendship Styles compatible? Quiz
– 20 of the Most Inspiring Friends and Friendship Quotes and
– 20 lighthearted Questions you can ask to get to know a new Friend
Discover how to build meaningful, lasting friendships and create a support system that truly has your back—delivered straight to your inbox!
Friends and Friendships
Discover how to build meaningful, lasting friendships and create a support system that truly has your back—delivered straight to your inbox! (newsletter subscription included)
Thank you so much!
More information about making friends and maintaining friendships (including the quizzes I mentioned) is on its way to you. You have also successfully subscribed to my newsletter.
Author Bio: Dr Margaretha Montagu – described as a “game changer”, “gifted healer”, “guiding light” and “life-enriching author” – is an experienced medical doctor, a certified NLP practitioner, a medical hypnotherapist, an equine-assisted psychotherapist (EAGALAcertified) and a transformational retreat leader who guides her clients through life transitions – virtually, or with the assistance of her Friesian and Falabella horses, at their home in the southwest of France.
It’s time to kick exhaustion to the curb and finally ditch that terminally overwhelmed feeling, evict your inner critic, declutter your mind and take control of your life like a boss. You’re about to turn your life from a comedy of errors into a blockbuster success story (with a much better soundtrack). This two-day online course is designed for anyone facing a major life transition, needing to dramatically reduce stress, end exhaustion and overwhelm, and prevent or recover from burnout.
Explore the mindset shifts that empower entrepreneurs to confront obstacles with confidence.
Definition of Entrepreneurial Courage
If you are thinking about leaving the corporate world and starting a profitable business, you are going to need wheelbarrows full of courage. Ask me, I should know. I have been running my Camino de Santiago walking retreat business for more than a decade, and I am now adding online courses to my portfolio. You may be thinking “But what exactly IS entrepreneurial courage?”
Entrepreneurial courage is the physical, mental, and spiritual strength to face the inherent fears, uncertainties, and challenges that come with entrepreneurship, all while staying true to your core values. It means showing up with confidence and determination, even when the path ahead is unclear or intimidating.
In practical terms, entrepreneurial courage is about:
Taking risks: Investing time, money, and energy into ideas without guaranteed success.
Making bold decisions: Saying no to opportunities that don’t align with your vision, or pivoting your business in a new direction when needed.
Honouring your values: Building a business that reflects your principles, even when it might be easier to follow trends or compromise for short-term gains.
Facing fears: Overcoming impostor syndrome, addressing conflicts, or stepping into public roles like networking or speaking engagements, especially challenging for introverted business owners.
Persevering through setbacks: Learning from failures, adapting to challenges, and continuing to move forward when the going gets tough.
Entrepreneurial courage is not the absence of fear but the choice to move forward despite it, driven by a belief in your purpose and the value you bring to others. It’s about staying resilient in the face of uncertainty.
Everyday Acts of Courage
Saying “sorry” when you’ve made a mistake.
Being authentically yourself, even if it means standing out.
Taking responsibility for your actions and their consequences.
Setting and pursuing challenging personal or professional goals.
Saying “no” to requests that don’t align with your values or priorities.
Forgiving someone who has hurt you deeply.
Helping others, even when you’re struggling yourself.
Choosing to be kind and compassionate, even in difficult situations.
Practicing gratitude, especially during challenging times.
Actively listening to others, especially those with different perspectives.
Different Types of Courage
Physical Courage: This is the most traditional form of courage, characterized by the willingness to face bodily harm or death. It involves acting despite fear in situations where physical danger is present, such as confronting an attacker or participating in extreme sports.
A firefighter entering a burning building to rescue trapped occupants.
A person learning to skydive despite their fear of heights.
A cancer patient undergoing painful treatments to fight the disease.
Social Courage entails the ability to face social risks, such as embarrassment, rejection, or exclusion. This type of courage is crucial for leadership and involves being true to oneself in challenging social situations.
Speaking up in a meeting to present an unpopular but necessary idea.
Asking someone out on a date, risking rejection.
Standing up to a bully at school or in the workplace.
Moral Courage is about standing up for one’s beliefs and values, especially when doing so may lead to personal loss or disapproval from others. It involves making ethical decisions and acting in accordance with one’s principles, even under pressure.
A whistleblower exposing corporate wrongdoing, risking their career.
Refusing to participate in unethical business practices, even if it means losing a job.
Intervening when witnessing discrimination or harassment in public.
Emotional Courage: This type of courage allows individuals to experience a full range of emotions, including vulnerability and fear. Emotional courage is essential for personal growth and happiness, as it encourages openness to both positive and negative feelings.
Opening up to a therapist about past traumas.
Expressing vulnerability and sharing feelings with a partner.
Confronting a family member about a long-standing issue.
Intellectual Courage involves the willingness to engage with new ideas, challenge one’s own beliefs, and accept the possibility of being wrong. It requires an open mind and a readiness to learn from mistakes.
Engaging in respectful debates with people who hold opposing views.
Admitting when you’re wrong and changing your stance based on new information.
Pursuing education in a field completely different from your current expertise.
Spiritual Courage helps you confront profound questions about faith, purpose, and existence. It supports the pursuit of meaning in life, whether through religious beliefs or philosophical inquiry.
Questioning long-held beliefs and exploring new spiritual paths.
Sharing your faith or lack thereof in environments where it might be unpopular.
Making difficult life choices based on your spiritual convictions.
The Types of Courage You Need to Start a Business
Starting a business requires different types of courage, each playing a crucial role in the success of your business:
Social Courage: It is essential for entrepreneurs to be themselves unapologetically to stand out in the business world. For example, it involves speaking up to present your ideas and asking for support or investment despite the risk of rejection.
Moral Courage: Entrepreneurs often face ethical dilemmas and must have the strength to do what’s right, even when it’s uncomfortable or unpopular. This could involve refusing to participate in unethical business practices, even if it means losing potential profits or partnerships.
Emotional Courage: Starting a business is an emotional rollercoaster. Entrepreneurs need to accept and process both positive and negative emotions without guilt or attachment. This includes opening up about challenges and expressing vulnerability when seeking advice or support.
Intellectual Courage: The business world is constantly evolving, requiring entrepreneurs to learn, unlearn, and relearn with an open and flexible mind. This involves admitting when you’re wrong and changing your stance based on new information.
Physical Courage: While not always involving bodily risk, physical courage in entrepreneurship means persevering through long hours, stress, and potential health impacts to keep the business going.
Spiritual Courage: This involves living with purpose and meaning, approaching business decisions with a heart-centered approach. It’s about questioning long-held beliefs and making difficult choices based on your convictions.
Entrepreneurs must be willing to take risks without any guarantee of success. As I mentioned in the definition, courage isn’t the absence of fear; it’s acknowledging fear and moving ahead anyway, knowing that along the way, you’ll be able to master the necessary skills to achieve your goals.
Strategies to Develop Entrepreneurial Courage
Generating the courage to take risks in your business is a crucial aspect of entrepreneurial success.
Start small: Begin by taking calculated, smaller risks to build your confidence gradually. As you experience success with these smaller risks, you’ll feel more comfortable tackling larger ones.
Understand that not all risks can be predicted or controlled. Be willing to step out of your comfort zone and navigate through uncertain situations, as this can lead to innovative solutions and growth opportunities.
Analyse mistakes, identify areas for improvement, and adjust your strategies accordingly. View failures as valuable learning experiences that refine your risk-taking abilities.
Cultivate emotional resilience: Work on bouncing back from setbacks and maintaining a positive outlook through challenges.
Seek support: Prepare your employees, partners, and investors for potential difficulties. Having a strong support system can make it easier to face risks.
Focus on your vision: Remember your ultimate goals and the reasons you started your business. This can provide motivation and courage when facing risks.
Continuously educate yourself: Stay informed about your industry, market trends, and best practices. The more knowledge you have, the more confident you’ll feel in taking calculated risks.
Adopt a growth mindset: A growth mindset is an entrepreneur’s secret weapon: it helps you to raise the courage needed to face challenges, take risks, and persist in your venture.
Entrepreneurs with a growth mindset view challenges as opportunities for learning and development rather than insurmountable obstacles. This perspective enables you to approach difficult situations with determination.
A growth mindset helps you see failures as temporary setbacks and learning experiences rather than permanent defeats. This resilience allows you to bounce back from failures and continue pursuing your goals with renewed courage.
Those with a growth mindset believe that abilities can be developed through dedication and hard work. This belief encourages entrepreneurs to put in the necessary effort to improve their skills and knowledge, boosting their confidence and courage to take on new challenges.
Entrepreneurs with a growth mindset are more likely to view feedback and criticism constructively, using it to improve their strategies and approaches. This openness to learning enhances your ability to adapt and innovate courageously.
Rather than feeling threatened by others’ achievements, those with a growth mindset are inspired by their competition. This perspective encourages you to courageously pursue your goals and aspirations.
Persistence in the face of uncertainty: A growth mindset provides entrepreneurs with the courage to persist in uncertain and challenging environments.
By cultivating a growth mindset, you can develop the psychological capital necessary to face the risks and uncertainties inherent in entrepreneurship. This mindset enables you to approach challenges with courage, learn from failures, and continuously adapt and improve, ultimately contributing to your success and satisfaction in your entrepreneurial journey.
Lesser-known Courageous Female Entrepreneurs who have made a Significant Impact
If you need some inspiration:
C.J. Walker: Born to former slaves, she became one of the first American women to become a self-made millionaire. Her line of beauty and hair products for black women was revolutionary in the early 20th century.
Reshma Saujani: Founder of Girls Who Code, Saujani identified a critical gap in the tech industry and took innovative action to change it. She has empowered over 10,000 girls to enter the male-dominated field of technology, challenging industry norms and inspiring a new generation of tech leaders.
Ursula Burns: Starting as a summer intern at Xerox, Burns rose to become the first Black woman to lead a Fortune 500 company. Her journey from an NYC housing project to CEO showcases remarkable perseverance and courage in breaking barriers in corporate leadership.
Sara Blakely: Founder of Spanx, Blakely went from being a fax machine salesperson to creating a widely successful undergarment company. Her perseverance and problem-solving skills have made her one of the most successful female entrepreneurs.
Katrina Lake: Founder of Stitch Fix, Lake became the youngest female founder to lead an IPO in 2017. She identified an opportunity in the changing retail industry and built a widely loved online personal-shopping service.
Rachel Mielke: Founder of Hillberg & Berk, Mielke stands out for her work in empowering other women. Her jewelry brand has made significant charitable contributions and maintains a predominantly female workforce.
Mary Kay Ash revolutionised the beauty industry with her innovative business model and exceptional leadership skills. She empowered women by creating job opportunities and promoting them to leadership positions.
These entrepreneurs have not only achieved remarkable success but have also paved the way for future generations of women in business, demonstrating courage in breaking barriers and creating innovative solutions in their respective industries.
By implementing the strategies I discussed above, you can gradually build the courage needed to take risks in your business, leading to greater innovation, growth, and success.
When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny. Paulo Coelho
References: Kristi Bockorny, Carolyn M Youssef-Morgan, Entrepreneurs’ Courage, Psychological Capital, and Life Satisfaction Front Psychol. 2019 Apr 5;10:789 PMCID: PMC6461011 PMID: 31024410
Baron R., Franklin R., Hmieleski K. (2016). Why entrepreneurs often experience low, not high, levels of stress: the joint effects of selection and psychological capital. J. Manag. 42 742–768. 10.1177/0149206313495411
Fairlie R. (2007). “Entrepreneurship among disadvantaged groups: women, minorities and the less educated,” in The Life Cycle of Entrepreneurial Ventures, ed. Simon P. (New York, NY: Springer; ), 437–475. 10.1007/978-0-387-32313-8_15
Author Bio: Dr Margaretha Montagu – described as a “game changer”, “gifted healer”, “guiding light” and “life-enriching author” – is an experienced medical doctor, a certified NLP practitioner, a medical hypnotherapist, an equine-assisted psychotherapist (EAGALAcertified) and a transformational retreat leader who guides her clients through life transitions – virtually, or with the assistance of her Friesian and Falabella horses, at their home in the southwest of France.
Imagine having a survival toolkit ready next time you’re hit by a life-shattering transition. When you subscribe to my Savoir Vivre Vignettes newsletter, you get FREE access to my How to Survive a Life Quake 7-part online course (valued at €79). This isn’t just another online course; it’s a heartfelt made-with-love guide packed with tools to help you face and thrive through life’s transitions with resilience. I’d love for you to join our community!
Is working remotely really the introvert’s dream and the extrovert’s nightmare?
With so many people, nearly three years after the pandemic still working remotely, by choice, it might seem as if the statement above might well be true. Not for me, though. I consider myself an inveterate introvert, and I spend long hours working on my own, marketing my Camino de Santiago walking retreats, but I also need regular contact with friends and family to keep me grounded.
When I met my friend Hannah for coffee at our favourite bistro, I discovered I wasn’t the only one. According to Hannah, she had always felt out of place in the office. Open-plan desks, forced conversations about last night’s Netflix binge, and the dreaded “Happy Birthday” singalongs—none of it was her scene. So, when her company announced they were offering permanent remote work, she couldn’t sign up fast enough.
No more awkward coffee breaks. No more Karen from HR asking if she had “big plans for the weekend.”
The first week was everything she’d dreamed of. She woke up to birdsong instead of her alarm, brewed her own coffee instead of suffering through whatever tar-like concoction the office kitchen offered, and basked in the absence of small talk. She didn’t even mind that she spent half the day on Zoom. Turning her camera off and pretending to listen was far easier than surviving in-person brainstorming sessions.
By week two, cracks started to show.
Hannah, much to her own surprise, missed the routine of the commute. Now, her days started in a haze of endless sameness. Bedroom to laptop. Laptop to kitchen. Kitchen to couch. And back again.
The silence, once soothing, became oppressive. She noticed how loud her apartment was: the constant hum of the fridge, the neighbour’s dog barking, and the faint screech of tyres on the street. She tried to listen to music to fill the void, but it only made her more aware of how quiet her world had become.
By the end of the third week, Hannah realised she hadn’t seen or spoken to another human being fat-to-face for days. She appreciated the presence of her cat enormously, but although he talked a lot, he wasn’t always understandable. The realisation hit hard. She started lingering on Zoom calls just to hear voices, even if they were discussing budgets or quarterly KPIs.
She thought working remotely would free her, but instead, it felt like a cage she’d willingly locked herself into.
Desperate for connection, she started visiting a local coffee shop with her laptop. The hum of conversations, the hiss of the espresso machine—it all felt oddly comforting. She didn’t talk to anyone, of course, but being around people reminded her that she was still part of the world.
Eventually, she joined a coworking space. Just a couple of days a week, enough to strike a balance. Hannah wasn’t ready to give up her solitude entirely, but she’d learned a hard truth: isolation, even for an introvert, wasn’t as blissful as she thought it would be.
By the time her first day at the coworking space ended, she felt lighter, more human. And when a stranger in a striped shirt asked if the seat next to her was taken, Hannah did something she never thought she’d do.
She smiled and said, “Go for it.”
My own experience, mirrored by Hannah’s experience, made me think. I thought about Carl Jung said about Introverts vs. Extroverts: “… introversion and extroversion are the foundation of personality, the building blocks that influence the way we live, work and interact with others. Introverts are attracted to the inner world of ideas, thoughts and emotions, while extroverts are attracted to a vibrant social life and group activities.” That much is clear. But Carl Jung also said, “”There is no such thing as a pure introvert or a pure extrovert. Such a man would be condemned to spend his life in an asylum.”
Seems to me that introversion and extroversion should be seen as a spectrum with introverts on one end, extroverts on another and ambiverts somewhere in the middle. Also, in certain situations, an introvert can respond like an extrovert, and vice versa. Sometimes, introverts need connection and extroverts need solitude.
Sohow does the existence of this spectrum influence our approach to working remotely?
The shift to remote and hybrid work has dramatically reshaped the professional landscape, affecting introverts and extroverts in distinctly different ways. This new work paradigm has created a unique set of challenges and opportunities for both personality types, fundamentally altering their productivity.
Introverts, who typically thrive in quiet, controlled environments, have found remote work to be a sanctuary away from the hustle and bustle of traditional office settings. The ability to work from home has provided them with a peaceful atmosphere that aligns well with their natural tendencies, allowing for increased focus and productivity. Introverts appreciate the reduced social pressure and the freedom to communicate on their own terms, whether through email, messaging apps, or scheduled video calls.
On the other hand, extroverts have faced significant challenges in adapting to remote work. The lack of in-person interaction and the absence of a dynamic office environment has left many extroverts feeling isolated and less motivated. Extroverts often draw energy from social interactions and collaborative environments, which are less readily available in a remote setting. This shift has led to decreased productivity and increased feelings of disconnection for many extroverts. Many report feeling disconnected from their teams and missing the spontaneous conversations that once punctuated their workday. As Sarah Martinez, a sales executive, shares, “I miss the energy of the office. Video calls just aren’t the same as stopping by someone’s desk for a quick chat.”
Enter the hybrid work model. Introverts may opt to work remotely more often, enjoying the solitude and ability to control their social interactions. Extroverts, in contrast, can return to the office, seeking out the face-to-face interactions and collaborative atmosphere they crave.
The transition to remote and hybrid work has also impacted communication styles. Introverts may find virtual meetings less overwhelming, as they can participate without the pressure of constant face-to-face interaction. Extroverts, however, might struggle with the limited non-verbal cues in virtual settings and the reduced opportunities for spontaneous conversations.
Balancing the benefits of remote work for introverts with the need for social interaction for extroverts has become a key challenge in creating effective and inclusive work environments.
Today, introverts are valued employees of many companies, which are looking for managers with soft skills. Published in 2013, the book Quiet (The Power of Discretion: The Power of Introverts in an Overly Talkative World), by the American Susan Cain, marks the beginning of the “silent revolution” of introverts. In this book, which remained on the US bestseller list for almost two years, she demonstrates, through surveys of psychologists, anthropologists and sociologists, the value of introverts, whose creativity fuels business, the arts and politics. Her TED talk has been viewed nearly 30 million times.
All this seemed pretty straightforward until Myers-Briggs discovered in a recent study, conducted by John Hackston, Head of Thought Leadership at The Myers-Briggs Company, that 82 per cent of extroverted workers would prefer a hybrid work model, with 15 per cent actually preferring full-time remote work. Self-described introverts, on the other hand — a whopping 74 per cent of them — said they wanted to be in the office at least part-time.
So, how does remote work impact introverts specifically? What advantages do they enjoy, and what hurdles must they overcome? And most importantly, how can they minimise the downsides to thrive in their professional and personal lives?
The Introvert’s Perspective: Opportunities
For many introverts, remote work has been a revelation. The elimination of open-office distractions and the ability to control their environment has led to increased job satisfaction. Without the constant buzz of office activity, introverts can focus on their tasks without the energy drain of constant social interaction.
For introverts, remote work offers undeniable perks.
A Distraction-Free Environment Without the constant chatter of colleagues or the need to participate in spontaneous discussions, introverts can focus on their tasks. This environment allows for heightened productivity and creativity, as introverts excel in settings where they can work uninterrupted.
Control Over Workspace and Schedule Being at home means having the freedom to design a workspace that feels comfortable and supportive. Introverts can customise their day to include moments of quiet reflection, aligning work rhythms with their natural energy cycles.
Reduced Pressure for Socialising Introverts often feel drained by excessive small talk or obligatory networking events. Gone are the days of forced small talk around the water cooler. Working remotely eliminates many of these stressors, enabling them to conserve energy for what truly matters.
These advantages make remote work appealing for introverts, but they don’t tell the whole story.
The Introvert’s Perspective: Challenges
While remote work initially feels like an introvert’s dream, it can also present unique challenges. It certainly isn’t without its pitfalls for introverts. The very aspects that make it appealing can also create unexpected difficulties: without the natural boundaries of a physical office, many introverts find themselves working longer hours, struggling to disconnect from work when it’s always within reach.
Blurred Boundaries Between Work and Life Without a clear division between the office and home, introverts may find themselves working longer hours, leading to fatigue. The sanctuary of home life can become overshadowed by work demands, disrupting the balance they need to thrive.
Limited Professional Visibility Introverts may unintentionally fade into the background in a remote setting, missing opportunities to showcase their contributions or build relationships with colleagues and leaders. The limited face-to-face interaction can lead to decreased visibility within their organisations, potentially impacting career advancement opportunities.
Isolation and Loneliness While introverts value solitude, they still require meaningful connections. The absence of regular face-to-face interaction can lead to emotional disconnection and feelings of being undervalued or unsupported.
These challenges can accumulate over time, leaving introverts feeling drained and even burnt out.
The Burnout Factor
One of the most overlooked risks for introverts in remote work is burnout. Paradoxically, the very environment that feels comfortable can contribute to their exhaustion. Without clear boundaries, introverts often overcompensate, working harder to ensure their contributions are recognised. Combined with a lack of social interaction, this can lead to feelings of isolation, stress, and diminished well-being. The constant need to be “on” for video calls, combined with the pressure to maintain visibility in a virtual environment, can drain introverts’ energy reserves more quickly than traditional office work.
This is where structured support can make all the difference. My course, ‘Building Resilience – a Roadmap from Burnout to Breakthrough during a Life Transition,’ is designed to help professionals— especially introverts—overcome these challenges. It offers practical tools to set boundaries, manage stress, and cultivate sustainable self-care practices. By increasing their resilience, introverts can not only prevent burnout but also thrive in their remote work environment.
Coping with the Challenges: Practical Tips for Introverts
To thrive in remote work environments, introverts can implement several key strategies:
Set Clear Work-Life Boundaries
Designate a specific workspace to create physical separation from your personal life.
Establish fixed working hours and commit to “clocking out” at the end of the day.
Schedule Regular Breaks
Regular breaks throughout the day are essential for maintaining energy levels. These breaks should be scheduled rather than left to chance, ensuring they actually happen.
Use these breaks to step outside, stretch, or take a short walk – this can help reset mental focus and prevent the fatigue that comes from extended screen time.
Stay Connected
Schedule one-on-one virtual coffee chats with colleagues to maintain a sense of camaraderie.
Participate in team meetings and contribute thoughtfully. These controlled interactions allow you to maintain visibility while managing your energy levels.
Leverage Technology
Technology can be a powerful ally in this environment.
Using productivity tools to automate routine tasks, manage notifications, and organise work can reduce mental clutter and preserve energy for more important activities.
Experiment with apps like Slack or Microsoft Teams to maintain open communication without being overwhelmed.
Prioritise Self-Care
Dedicate time to hobbies, exercise, and activities that nourish your mental health.
Explore resources to gain deeper insights into managing stress and building lasting well-being.
Conclusion: Thriving as an Introvert working (mostly) @Home
Remote work offers unique advantages for introverts, but success requires intentional strategy and self-awareness. By acknowledging both the benefits and challenges of this work style, introverts can create systems and habits that support their natural tendencies while protecting against potential pitfalls.
The key lies in leveraging introverted strengths – such as intense focus and thoughtful communication – while actively managing the risks of isolation and burnout. Resources like the Roadmap to Resilience course provide valuable support in this journey, offering structured approaches to maintaining well-being and professional effectiveness in a remote environment.
As the workplace continues to evolve, introverts have a unique opportunity to thrive in ways that weren’t always possible in traditional office settings. By embracing their natural tendencies while staying mindful of potential challenges, introverts can create a sustainable and rewarding remote work experience that supports both their professional growth and personal well-being.
Dr Margaretha Montagu – MBChB, MRCGP, NLP Master Pract cert, Transformational Life Coach dip, Counselling cert, Med Hyp Dip and EAGALA cert
In addition to the transformational retreats that I host at my little French farm near Bordeaux, I have also created a couple ofonline courses, ex.Break Free from Uncertainty and Get Going in a New Direction – each course is available with or without one-to-one coaching. To receive notification of last-minute and early-bird specials on all of the above, I invite you to subscribe to my Savoir Vivre Vignettes newsletter which gives immediate access to my free How to Survive a Life Quake e-course.
It’s time to kick exhaustion to the curb and finally ditch that terminally overwhelmed feeling, evict your inner critic, declutter your mind and take control of your life like a boss. You’re about to turn your life from a comedy of errors into a blockbuster success story (with a much better soundtrack). This two-day online course is designed for anyone needing to dramatically reduce stress, end exhaustion and overwhelm, prevent or recover from burnout, AND create a positive impact on others. Find out more
Lise came to a From Troubled to Triumphant Transformational Retreat at the beginning of autumn as a last-minute booking. She said she was going through a “career change” life transition. She couldn’t cope with her job as a doctor anymore, but she had no clue what she wanted to do next. Right from the start, something felt off. It wasn’t that I didn’t understand her plight, after all, I had been in the exact same place myself more than a decade ago. During the retreat, her actual problem gradually reared its head.
Lise’s Story: The Unbearable Weight of Caring
Lise sat in her small, tidy office at the clinic, staring blankly at her computer screen. The cursor blinked steadily, waiting for her to type up the notes for her last patient. But her fingers hovered over the keyboard, unmoving. She couldn’t find the words—or the energy—to continue. The sound of muffled voices in the waiting room seeped through the walls, a constant reminder that more people needed her.
Her workday had started twelve hours ago, and she had seen 27 patients. Each one had brought her their pain, their struggles, and their fears. And she had listened, as she always did, offering reassurances, treatments, and sometimes just a shoulder to lean on. She loved her work—or at least she used to. Being a general practitioner was more than a job for Lise; it was her calling. But recently, something had shifted.
Ground Hog Day
That morning had been no different from any other, or so it seemed. Her first patient, an elderly man named Louis, came in with chronic back pain. As Lise examined him, he spoke about his wife’s declining health and the burden of being her sole caregiver. His voice cracked as he admitted he hadn’t slept well in months. Lise felt the familiar ache of understanding in her chest. She offered him a referral to a physical therapist and gently suggested he seek respite care for his wife.
The next patient was a young mother, Amélie, who brought in her toddler with a persistent cough. Amélie looked frazzled, her eyes rimmed with dark circles. Between checking the child’s breathing and writing a prescription for antibiotics, Lise found herself listening to Amélie’s worries about balancing work and motherhood. “I don’t know how you manage it all,” Amélie said with a weak smile. Lise didn’t answer. She wasn’t sure how she managed it, either.
By the time Lise reached her lunch break—if you could call the ten-minute gap between patients a “break”—she realised she hadn’t eaten breakfast. She grabbed a granola bar from her desk drawer and took a deep breath. It didn’t help.
The First Ominous Signs
For weeks, Lise had been feeling a debilitating fatigue. It wasn’t the kind of tiredness that a good night’s sleep could fix. It was deeper, heavier, as though her very soul was weary. She had started to dread coming to work, something she never imagined would happen. The sight of her packed schedule filled her with a sense of dread.
But the worst part was the emotional numbness. Lise, who had always prided herself on her ability to connect with her patients, found herself tuning out during consultations. When a patient began to cry, her instinct was no longer to comfort them but to mentally check out.
At first, she chalked it up to being overworked. After all, healthcare was a demanding field, and everyone felt overwhelmed sometimes. But this was different. It wasn’t just exhaustion; it was detachment.
Lisa’s Final Breaking Point
Lise’s breaking point came on a rainy Thursday afternoon. Her patient was a teenager named Juliette, who had been struggling with anxiety and self-harm. Juliette’s mother sat beside her, tears streaming down her face as she described finding the scars on her daughter’s arms. Normally, Lise would have felt a wave of compassion and determination to help. But as she listened, all she felt was a hollow emptiness. She nodded at the right moments, prescribed therapy, and scheduled a follow-up. But inside, she felt nothing.
When the appointment ended and Juliette left the room, Lise stayed behind, frozen in her chair. She stared at the clock on the wall, her hands trembling. How had she gotten to this point? How could she care so much and yet feel so little?
Enter Empathy Burnout
During the retreat, Lise confided. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “I feel like I’m failing everyone. My patients, myself… even my partner.”
The other retreat guests and I reassured her. “You’re not failing, Lise. You’re just human. You’ve been carrying too much for too long.”
I also told her that I didn’t think that she was going through a life transition, but that I thought she was suffering from empathy burnout. I explained that empathy burnout, or compassion fatigue, was a state of emotional exhaustion resulting from excessive emotional demands. It wasn’t just physical tiredness; it was the toll of constantly absorbing other people’s pain. Caregivers, healthcare workers, and anyone in the helping professions were especially vulnerable. The symptoms matched hers: emotional numbness, irritability, reduced empathy, and a sense of detachment.
Drafting Her Map to Recovery
Recognising the problem was the first step. But solving it required more than acknowledgement. Lise knew she needed to make changes when she got back—not just for herself, but for her patients.
We talked about starting small. Instead of skipping lunch, she decided she was going to step outside the clinic, even if just for 15 minutes, to eat a homemade sandwich and breathe fresh air. She would practise mindfulness, the way the horses’ taught her during the retreat, setting aside ten minutes each morning to meditate. At first, it might feel forced, but I was sure, over time, it would become a moment of calm she looked forward to.
One of the hardest tasks she set herself was learning to set boundaries. Lise had always been the doctor who went above and beyond, but she realised she couldn’t pour from an empty cup. She decided to delegate some of her work to her clinical staff, whenever appropriate. She also began seeing a supervising therapist, someone she could talk to without fear of judgement.
Reconnecting with Her “Why”
Back home, Lise implemented her plan. She soon started to notice subtle changes. She began to feel lighter, more present. The numbness gradually gave way to genuine care. One day, a patient thanked her for her kindness during a difficult diagnosis, and for the first time in a long time, Lise felt the warmth of being appreciated for her work again.
She reminded herself why she had become a doctor in the first place: to help people heal, both physically and emotionally.
It took time for Lise to get back on track; empathy burnout wasn’t something you can heal from overnight. But it taught her a valuable lesson: caring for others starts with caring for yourself. She learned that empathy, while a beautiful and necessary part of her work, had to be balanced with boundaries and self-compassion.
The Definition of Empathy Burnout
Empathy burnout, also known as “compassion fatigue,” is a state of emotional and physical exhaustion that occurs when someone has been giving a great deal of empathy or support to others over an extended period. This condition is common among professionals in caregiving roles—like healthcare workers, therapists, and counsellors—as well as individuals who provide ongoing support to friends or family members in need. When someone constantly listens to others’ pain, absorbs emotional burdens, or provides support, it can lead to an overwhelming sense of fatigue, detachment, and even helplessness.
What’s the difference between Stress and Empathy Burnout?
Stress is a response to external pressures and can affect anyone, regardless of their emotional involvement with others. Empathy burnout, however, specifically stems from prolonged emotional engagement with others’ pain or struggles. While stress might ebb and flow, empathy burnout is more pervasive and tied to emotional exhaustion.
How do I know it’s Empathy Burnout and not just Tiredness?
Empathy burnout goes beyond physical tiredness. It’s characterized by emotional and psychological fatigue, such as feeling overwhelmed by others’ needs or emotionally drained after interactions. Unlike regular tiredness, rest alone may not improve your energy or mood.
Key Signs
Emotional Exhaustion: Feeling drained, short-tempered, or emotionally distant from others.
Reduced Empathy: Struggling to feel compassionate or sensitive to others’ struggles, even if you genuinely care.
Mental and Physical Fatigue: Experiencing persistent tiredness, headaches, disturbed sleep, and a weakened immune system.
Cynicism or Apathy: Feeling jaded or indifferent toward people who need support.
Increased Stress and Anxiety: This can lead to feelings of frustration, irritation and even resentment.
Causes
Empathy burnout arises when there’s a lack of balance between giving and receiving emotional support. Without time for self-care, boundary-setting, or recovery, this imbalance can easily become overwhelming. Factors like high emotional investment, limited support systems, and ongoing exposure to difficult emotions contribute to burnout.
Preventing and Managing Empathy Burnout
Set Boundaries: Protect your time and energy by establishing clear boundaries.
Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that rejuvenate you—like rest, exercise, mindfulness, creative hobbies, and socialising with supportive friends.
Seek Support: Finding a mentor, coach, or peer group can be invaluable.
Regular Downtime: Take regular breaks from caregiving roles to recharge your batteries.
Consider Professional Help: If empathy burnout is severe, consulting a mental health professional can provide support and strategies to recover.
In the context of a life transition, empathy burnout may be a significant challenge, especially for those who frequently give emotional support to others while navigating their own changes.
The Difference Between a Life Transition and Empathy Burnout
A life transition is a significant change or shift in one’s personal or professional life that disrupts the normal flow of daily living. Examples include career changes, moving to a new place, divorce, retirement, or losing a loved one. Life transitions often involve a mix of emotions, such as excitement, fear, grief, or uncertainty, as individuals adjust to a new reality. These transitions are a natural part of life and, though challenging, they can lead to new insights and new opportunities.
On the other hand, empathy burnout—or compassion fatigue—is a state of emotional exhaustion that arises from repeatedly absorbing the stress, pain, or struggles of others. It is common among caregivers, healthcare workers, and anyone in emotionally demanding roles. Unlike life transitions, empathy burnout stems from giving too much emotional energy to others without adequate self-care or boundaries. It can lead to feelings of numbness, detachment, and even resentment toward those seeking support.
The key difference lies in origin and focus:
Life transitions are external changes that affect an individual’s circumstances and require them to adapt. The focus is on navigating their own emotional and practical needs.
Empathy burnout is an internal condition caused by overextending emotional energy toward others, leaving little room for self-replenishment.
Both can be draining, but while life transitions often involve rebuilding or starting anew, empathy burnout requires recognizing the imbalance in giving and receiving support, then implementing self-care strategies to recover emotional resilience.
Empathy Burnout Self-Assessment FAQ
1. Do you feel emotionally numb or disconnected when others share their problems?
Signs to watch for:
Finding yourself unable to react emotionally to others’ distress
Catching yourself thinking “I don’t care anymore” when hearing about others’ struggles
Feeling irritated or frustrated when people seek emotional support
Having a harder time remembering details of others’ problems or situations
Why this matters: Emotional numbness is often one of the first signs of empathy burnout. It’s your mind’s way of protecting itself from emotional overload.
2. Have you noticed changes in your sleep patterns or physical well-being?
Signs to watch for:
Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep
Feeling exhausted even after adequate rest
Experiencing headaches, digestive issues, or tension more frequently
Having less energy for daily activities
Increased susceptibility to illness
Why this matters: Empathy burnout often manifests physically before we recognize it emotionally.
3. Are you finding it harder to maintain boundaries between your personal life and others’ needs?
Signs to watch for:
Thinking about others’ problems during your personal time
Feeling guilty when you’re not available to help
Difficulty saying “no” to requests for support
Neglecting your own needs to attend to others
Bringing work or others’ problems home with you
Why this matters: Healthy boundaries are essential for sustainable empathy. Their erosion often indicates burnout.
4. Do you find yourself avoiding certain people or situations?
Signs to watch for:
Hesitating to answer calls or messages from people who might need support
Making excuses to avoid social situations
Procrastinating on tasks that involve emotional labour
Feeling dread when faced with others’ emotional needs
Withdrawing from relationships or social activities
Why this matters: Avoidance behaviours often develop as a coping mechanism when our emotional resources are depleted.
5. Has your worldview or self-image changed recently?
Signs to watch for:
Increased cynicism about human nature
Feeling helpless about making a difference
Questioning your competence or effectiveness
Loss of faith in people’s ability to solve their problems
Decreased sense of personal accomplishment
Feeling disconnected from your values or purpose
Why this matters: Changes in core beliefs and self-perception often indicate that empathy burnout is affecting your fundamental worldview.
Note: If you answered “yes” to three or more of these questions and have been experiencing these symptoms for more than two weeks, you may be experiencing empathy burnout. Consider seeking support from a mental health professional who can help you develop strategies for recovery and resilience. – or attend a From Troubled to Triumphant Transformational Retreat in the sun-blessed southwest of France.
Hit the pause button and regain your footing during a From Troubled to Triumphant: Find Solid Ground during Life Quakes Retreat. Imagine walking a peaceful stretch of the Camino de Santiago, where every step helps untangle the mental clutter or spending time with gentle Friesian horses who teach you the art of mindfulness. These retreats blend reflection and relaxation in a way that feels more like an exciting adventure than hard work. Whether you choose to make a change or are forced to, this retreat offers the perfect blend of peace, perspective, and playful exploration to help you rise from troubled to triumphant!
Author Bio: Dr Margaretha Montagu – described as a “game changer”, “gifted healer”, “guiding light” and “life-enriching author” – is an experienced medical doctor, a certified NLP practitioner, a medical hypnotherapist, an equine-assisted psychotherapist (EAGALAcertified) and a transformational retreat leader who guides her clients through life transitions – virtually, or with the assistance of her Friesian and Falabella horses, at their home in the southwest of France.
Imagine this: you’ve finally mustered the courage to quit the job that’s been slowly suffocating your soul, or you’re ready to leave behind a life that no longer feels worth living. The excitement of a fresh start propels you forward—until reality hits.
Suddenly, you’re knee-deep in challenges you never saw coming: financial setbacks, unexpected roadblocks, and decisions that leave you second-guessing every choice, every decision. This is where so many of our dreams crumble—not because of a lack of courage, but because the problems are different, and your old ways of solving them no longer work.
Major life changes aren’t just about leaping off a cliff and hoping you’ll grow wings on the way down; they’re about being ready to overcome unexpected mind-numbing obstacles. Updating your life skills before you leap will ensure that you are prepared for whatever lies ahead—and that can make all the difference between thriving in your next chapter or having to crawl back to the one you so desperately wanted to escape.
Helping people through life transitions is what I do. You know those big, messy life changes that feel like they’re out to get you? Like quitting your job to search for something better? We all go through them—over and over—until we finally register the lessons they’re trying to teach us (or at least stop shaking our fists at the sky).
Trust me, I get how tough these transitions can be, both in life and work. The uncertainty, the insecurity, the “let’s overthink every possible outcome” phase—I’ve been there. In the last 30 years, I’ve survived 45 life transitions (yep, 45—sometimes several at once, because, why not?). It never gets easier, but I’ve definitely gotten better at catching life’s curveballs—and learning my life lessons a little faster each time, thanks to my rock-solid support team: my horses.
I want to share what I’ve discovered with you, so you can get through your own life transitions with less panic and a lot more pizazz.
What’s a life transition, you ask? Oh, just the small stuff—like switching careers, starting a business, moving to another country, divorce, loss of a loved one, empty nests, illness, retirement… You know, the usual disasters that show up at regular intervals whether we’re ready or not.
Take Sophie, for example. She came to one of my Your Sensational Next Chapter retreats a couple of years ago.
Sophie, who had recently started a new life in France, chats to her friend Irene in London:
“Honestly, improving how you tackle problems is such a game-changer. There are a bunch of things you can do to get better at it. First off, you’ve gotta have a growth mindset. Like, instead of seeing challenges as roadblocks, think of them as chances to learn. And when you screw up? No biggie. Just figure out what went wrong and use that to improve next time. It’s all about keeping at it, even when things get tough.
Another thing that really helps is breaking the problem down into smaller pieces. When you look at it as a whole, it can feel overwhelming, but if you tackle one part at a time, it becomes way more manageable. Plus, start with the most urgent or impactful bits first—don’t try to fix everything at once.
Also, don’t be afraid to think outside the box. Sometimes the obvious solution isn’t the best one, so try looking at the problem from a totally different angle. Ever used examples or ideas from other areas of life? That kind of lateral thinking can spark some creative solutions you wouldn’t normally think of.
And, hey, get analytical. Gather all the info, weigh the pros and cons, and then connect the dots logically. It’s like being a detective—you’ve gotta follow the clues and let the data guide you.
One of the best things you can do is talk it out with other people. Sometimes, just hearing how someone else would approach it gives you a fresh perspective. Plus, if someone else has been through something similar, why not learn from their experience instead of figuring it out the hard way?
Oh, and if you’re feeling stuck, try using structured methods like mind mapping or a SWOT analysis. Those tools help you organise your thoughts and see the problem more clearly. There’s also Root Cause Analysis—basically, asking ‘why’ five times until you get to the real issue. It’s surprisingly effective.
Staying calm is super important, too. You don’t want to make decisions when you’re stressed out or emotional, so take a breather when you need it. Sometimes stepping back helps you see things more objectively.
Also, critical thinking is key. Ask yourself, ‘Why is this happening?’ or ‘What if we did it this way instead?’ And don’t just accept things at face value—challenge your assumptions. It’s like you’re keeping your brain flexible and open to new possibilities.
And hey, looking back on how you handled past problems is a great way to learn. Figure out what worked, and what didn’t, and if something keeps coming up, document the solution so you’re not reinventing the wheel every time.
Last but not least, practice. Do puzzles, tackle challenges at work, whatever it is—just keep exercising that problem-solving muscle. The more you do it, the better you’ll get at handling anything life throws at you.”
Excellent advice, but how did Sophie get so good at handling life crises?
Not so very long ago, Sophie was sitting in her office, staring out of the window, the grey London skyline mirroring her mood. She had spent the last ten years climbing the corporate ladder, only to find herself in a job she despised. The endless spreadsheets, interminable meetings, and office politics left her feeling tired and trapped. Each day dragged into the next, a monotonous loop of emails, phone calls and deadlines, with no sense of purpose.
One evening, after another exhausting day, Sophie found herself scrolling through travel blogs, imagining an entirely different life. She stumbled upon an article about a couple who had left their stressful city jobs to open a small bed-and-breakfast in the French countryside. They described the scent of lavender drifting through the air, and evenings spent chatting with guests over glasses of local wine. Something stirred inside Sophie.
“Why not me?” she had thought.
The idea seemed outrageous at first, but it wouldn’t let go. Over the next few weeks, Sophie quietly began planning her escape. She loved the idea of running a bed-and-breakfast, meeting new people, and immersing herself in the French way of life. The very thought of it filled her with hope.
By the end of that year, Sophie had quit her job, sold her apartment, and moved to a quaint village in the southwest of France. She bought an old stone farmhouse with the perfect charm for a bed-and-breakfast, surrounded by vineyards and sunflower fields. But as she stood in her new home, the excitement quickly faded, replaced by a sinking realisation: running a business was far more complicated than she had imagined.
Sophie’s problem-solving skills, which had been perfectly adequate for dealing with office issues, now seemed laughably inadequate. Fixing a Wi-Fi outage or managing a team of accountants hadn’t prepared her for the chaos that came with a leaky roof, finicky plumbing, and juggling a fluctuating guest list. She needed a new approach.
Lesson 1: Breaking Problems Down
Her first task was to tackle the farmhouse’s endless repairs. The roof leaked, the pipes groaned, and the heating system was as temperamental as the French weather. Feeling overwhelmed, Sophie remembered a piece of advice she had once heard about breaking problems down into smaller, manageable tasks.
Instead of panicking over the entire house, she made a list of each issue and prioritised them one by one. The roof came first. She contacted local tradespeople, asked for quotes, and learned to navigate French bureaucracy to get building permits. By focusing on one issue at a time, she managed to get things done.
Step 2: Thinking Outside the Box
When it came to marketing her bed-and-breakfast, Sophie hit another wall. She wasn’t attracting enough guests to make the business sustainable. She tried the traditional methods—listing on travel websites, offering discounts, and posting photos on social media—but the bookings were few and far in between.
Sophie decided to think outside the box. Instead of marketing her B&B to everyone, she focused on a niche: travellers seeking a quiet retreat in the countryside where they can recharge their batteries far from the maddening crowds. By offering a unique experience, Sophie’s B&B began to attract guests who were looking for more than just a place to sleep—they were looking for rest and renewal.
Step 3: Collaboration and Asking for Help
Running the B&B solo was exhausting. Sophie had underestimated how much work it would be, cleaning rooms, managing bookings and making breakfast every morning. For months, she stubbornly tried to handle everything herself, but it left her completely exhausted.
Eventually, she realised she needed help. She reached out to local business owners, like the nearby vineyard and cheese farm, to form partnerships. In exchange for recommending each other’s services, they shared responsibilities and helped promote each other. Sophie also hired a part-time assistant to handle the day-to-day tasks, allowing her to focus on growing the business. The collaboration not only lightened her workload but also expanded her network and gave her fresh ideas.
Step 4: Learning from Mistakes
Sophie’s first summer season was far from perfect. She double-booked rooms, mismanaged finances, and even managed to burn breakfast for a full house of guests one morning. But each mistake taught her something new.
She began reflecting on what went wrong after each hiccup and adjusted her routine. For double bookings, she upgraded her online reservation system. For finances, she took a basic accounting course and set clear budgets. And for breakfast, well, she learned not to leave the croissants in the oven while chatting with guests.
Step 5: Staying Calm and Adapting
Perhaps the most important skill Sophie developed was learning to stay calm in the face of challenges. In her old corporate life, problems often felt like the end of the world. But now, she realised that every problem had a solution—it just required patience and creative thinking.
Whenever something went wrong, she took a breath, assessed the situation, and found a way forward. Over time, her ability to solve problems became sharper, more intuitive, and more innovative. She adapted to the unpredictability of running a business, learning to expect the unexpected.
The New Sophie
A couple of years later, we stood on the terrace of Sophie’s B&B, not that far from my little farmhouse here in the southwest of France, watching the sunset over the vineyards. Her guests were chatting away around her table, enjoying the dinner she had prepared for them with fresh local ingredients. Sophie’s journey hadn’t been easy, but she had managed to transform from someone stuck in a job she hated to a confident business owner who knew how to handle whatever came her way.
If you have a dream like Sophie’s, I would very much like to help you make it a reality.
Dr Margaretha Montagu (MBChB, MRCGP, NLP master Pract cert, Transformational Life Coach dip, Counselling cert, Med Hyp Dip and EAGALA cert)
Are you resilient enough to make as big a change as Sophie did? Take the Quiz.
In addition to the transformational retreats that I host at my little French farm near Bordeaux, I have also created a couple ofonline courses, ex.Break Free from Uncertainty and Get Going in a New Direction – each course is available with or without one-to-one coaching. To receive notification of last-minute and early-bird specials on all of the above, I invite you to subscribe to my Savoir Vivre Vignettes newsletter which gives immediate access to my free How to Survive a Life Quake e-course.
The thrill of exploring uncharted territory, soaking up new cultures, and starting fresh is intoxicating—but let’s be real, it can also feel like riding a rollercoaster without a seatbelt. The emotional highs are exhilarating, but the lows? They can knock the wind right out of you. When relocating to a new country, a challenging life transition, expat burnout appears to be significantly more severe than regular burnout experienced by non-expatriate employees.
• 54% suffer from insomnia • 53% report a loss of interest in usual activities • 51% have difficulty concentrating • 48% experience feelings of worthlessness • 48% report a loss of self-confidence • 37% report appetite or eating disorders
From the Expat Insider Survey by InterNations: Annual survey conducted by InterNations, the world’s largest expat network with over 4 million members Latest edition: 2023, surveying 12,065 expats representing 177 nationalities in 181 countries
Thirty years ago, I moved 11 000kms away from everything and everyone I knew, to a new country, a new language, a new culture, and a new job.
For years I dreamt of adventure, of the limitless opportunities and possibilities that moving to a different country could offer. But the reality was far from the romantic experience I’d imagined. Everyone talks about the thrill of moving to a new country, but no one warns you about the hollow ache when you realise you’ve got to make this work, on your own.
For the first few years, every conversation felt like being a guest at someone else’s dinner party, smiling at jokes I didn’t understand. There were moments I’d stand in a crowded room and feel like a ghost—there, but not there. Invisible.
Thirty years later, I look back with wonder at my younger self—the young woman who persevered and fought to prove everyone wrong who was convinced she’d never make it. I did make it, but I learned a lot about burnout along the way and the ghost of my old insecure self still hovers at the edges of my consciousness.
If you are moving to a new country and are determined to avoid expat burnout, you need to know what triggers it:
1. The Often Overwhelming Cultural AdjustmentNeeded Adapting to a new culture often presents a significant challenge. Beyond learning a new language, you must navigate unfamiliar social norms, customs, and daily routines. Simple tasks, like grocery shopping or stopping for a coffee with a new friend, can become sources of stress. Dietary changes and even the unspoken rules of communication can amplify this tension. This constant need to adjust can leave you feeling overwhelmed, creating a sense of cultural dissonance that quickly leads to burnout.
2. The Debilitating Work-Related Pressures Many expatriates relocate for career opportunities, but these opportunities often come with added pressures. Working in a foreign setting can mean facing high expectations from both home and host organisations, unclear job roles, and an increased sense of responsibility to remain as productive as before your move. The pressure to excel in an unfamiliar environment can exacerbate stress, particularly when you struggle to balance the demands of work with the challenges of settling into a new country.
3. The Paralising Isolation and Numbing Homesickness Being far from family, friends, and familiar surroundings can leave you feeling isolated. The lack of a close support network in a foreign country often leads to feelings of loneliness, intensifying homesickness. This emotional disconnect can induce burnout, as you might struggle to find new support systems while also maintaining relationships back home.
4. The Constant Need To Adapt Life abroad is not just about adjusting once—it’s an ongoing process. From navigating new bureaucracy to understanding the healthcare system and tax laws, you face continuous challenges that can become exhausting. Everyday activities, like managing finances or simply getting from point A to point B, can feel more complex than they were in your home country, leading to emotional exhaustion.
5. Your Own Unrealistic Expectations High-achieving expats may set lofty goals for themselves in terms of how quickly they integrate into the new culture or succeed professionally. This can create unrealistic expectations, leaving little room for the natural challenges that come with cultural adaptation. When expectations don’t align with reality, feelings of failure and frustration can arise, further fueling burnout.
Take the Quiz: To find out if you are resilient enough to avoid burnout Click Here
“Relocating to Germany with my family seemed like a dream come true, but the reality hit hard. While I was dealing with a demanding new job, my wife was struggling to find work, and our kids were having trouble adjusting at school. The stress was overwhelming, and I felt like I was failing everyone. A colleague recommended a course on expat resilience, which was a game-changer. It taught me how to manage expectations, both my own and my family’s. We started exploring our new city together on weekends, making it an adventure rather than a chore. It took time, but we’ve built a wonderful life here. My advice? Be patient with yourself and your loved ones during the transition.” Carlos R., 42, Marketing Executive
If you have moved to a new country and are experiencing symptoms of burnout, you need to know how to address it:
1. Identify the Root Cause The first step to addressing burnout is understanding what’s causing it. This may require deep reflection to pinpoint what specifically stresses you, whether it stems from cultural adjustment, work pressure, or feelings of isolation. Gaining clarity can help you find appropriate solutions.
2. Prioritise Self-Care Physical health directly influences mental well-being, making an efficient self-care routine essential. You really should at least prioritise exercise, eat a balanced diet, and get sufficient rest. Incorporating mindfulness practices, such as meditation, can also help manage stress and provide a sense of grounding amid the chaos of relocation to a new country.
3. Seek Social Support Forming a strong social network in the host country is crucial. Connecting with fellow expats through online forums or local meet-ups can be your lifeline. Join natives in local groups – whether it’s a yoga class, a trivia night, or a cooking group—find activities that bring you joy and help you make new friends. Shared interests = instant conversation starters. Volunteer. Volunteering isn’t just about giving back—it’s a great way to meet people and feel connected to your new community. Maintaining contact with family and friends back home is important, but it’s equally vital to cultivate meaningful relationships locally, allowing you to feel more integrated into your new environment.
4. Explore Your New Home One of the most effective ways to combat the stresses of relocation is to embrace your new environment. Make time to explore your new surroundings—whether through sightseeing, trying local cuisine, or engaging in cultural activities. This can create a sense of excitement and discovery, by replacing anxiety with curiosity.
5. Keep Your ExpectationsRealistic It’s essential to recognise that adjusting to a new culture takes time. Instead of setting unrealistic expectations for rapid cultural immersion or immediate professional success, you should give yourself permission to learn and grow at a manageable pace. This mindset shift can reduce some of the pressure you place on yourself.
6. Maintain a Healthy Work-Life Balance Creating boundaries between work and your personal life is critical. Flexible work arrangements or setting clear limits on working hours can prevent job stress from overwhelming other aspects of life. Finding time for hobbies, relaxation, and personal exploration can help ensure a balanced lifestyle.
7. Seek Professional Help When Necessary When the stress becomes unmanageable, seeking professional support can be invaluable. Many expats benefit from working with mental health professionals who understand the unique challenges of living abroad. Specialised counselling services tailored for expats can provide strategies for managing stress and navigating the emotional complexities of relocation.
8. Stay Positive Surrounding yourself with positive, supportive people can make a huge difference. Whether these are friends, coworkers, or fellow expats, having a community of people who lift your spirits and encourage a positive outlook can help you reframe challenges as growth opportunities.
9. Learn the Language You don’t have to be fluent, but even knowing how to order coffee in the local language can build bridges. Plus, you’ll feel like a total badass when you start picking up phrases.
“When I first moved to Japan for work, I was thrilled about the opportunity. But after a few months, the excitement wore off, and I found myself struggling with the language barrier and feeling isolated. I was working long hours to prove myself, barely sleeping, and neglecting my health. It wasn’t until I read about expat burnout that I realized what was happening. I started prioritizing self-care, joined a local expat group, and began Japanese lessons. It made a world of difference. Now, three years in, I feel at home in Tokyo and love my life here. Remember, it’s okay to take it slow and ask for help when you need it.” Sarah M., 34, Software Engineer
Final Thoughts
Relocating to a new country is tough—but it’s also the chance to reinvent yourself in ways you never imagined. Every obstacle you face in a new country teaches you resilience, patience, and flexibility—qualities that not only help you survive but thrive in your new environment. By taking intentional steps to lower your stress levels, and build strong support networks, you can avoid burnout and turn what might now feel overwhelming into an empowering adventure. Thriving as an expat isn’t so much about avoiding difficulties; it’s about learning to handle them with determination and optimism. With the right mindset and strategies, you can create a meaningful, fulfilling, and balanced life abroad.
If you start to feel a little lost along the way, my Figthing Fit and Back from Burnout during a Life Transition course might just be the compass you need to navigate your new adventure. It will equip you with practical tools to prevent burnout by building emotional stability and adaptability. In this course, I share the strategies I used to cope each time I moved to a new country. You’ll discover how to reframe challenges as opportunities for personal growth, helping you maintain a positive outlook even in difficult times. You’ll find out how to create a balanced lifestyle, making sure you can manage professional demands without sacrificing your well-being. Following this roadmap, you’ll develop the resilience you need to thrive in your new environment, avoiding the pitfalls of burnout.
“Moving from Nigeria to Canada for my Ph.D. was exciting, but I wasn’t prepared for the culture shock and academic pressure. I felt like an impostor, constantly comparing myself to my peers and pushing myself to unhealthy limits. The long, dark winters didn’t help either. I was on the verge of quitting when my advisor noticed my struggle and referred me to the university’s international student support services. They connected me with a mentor who had been through similar experiences. Learning to set realistic goals, practicing mindfulness, and building a support network of fellow international students turned things around for me. Now, I’m thriving both academically and personally. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help – there are people and resources available to support you.” Aisha K., 28, Graduate Student
In addition to the transformational retreats that I host at my little French farm near Bordeaux, I have also created a couple ofonline courses, ex.Break Free from Uncertainty and Get Going in a New Direction – each course is available with or without one-to-one coaching. To receive notification of last-minute and early-bird specials on all of the above, I invite you to subscribe to my Savoir Vivre Vignettes newsletter which gives immediate access to my free How to Survive a Life Quake e-course.
Learn the key strategies to clearly communicate your needs and build a stronger, more supportive network during life’s most challenging transitions.
Sick of your job? Tired of your relationship? Sick and tired of life in general feeling like a never-ending rerun? You’re certainly not the only one—but it does sometimes feel that way, doesn’t it? I should know, been there, many times. The good news is that you’ve got a secret weapon. It’s called your reliable support system—whether it’s your bestie, your mom, your friends, your family, your mentor, your counsellor, or even that one colleague who actually gets you. The problem? Finding the courage to ask and then communicating what you need in such a way that they understand what you are talking about – without sounding like a broken record. In this post, I’ll break down how to turn your venting sessions into game-changing conversations that don’t just help you air your frustrations—your unfailing support system will kickstart real change and help you build some rock-solid emotional resilience.
Time to stop simmering in silence and start talking like your future depends on it. (Because, spoiler: it does.)
1. Understand Your Own Needs First
Before reaching out to your support system, it’s important to get clear on what exactly you need. Take time to reflect on your frustrations. Are you seeking advice, emotional support, or practical help? Understanding whether you’re dealing with burnout, dissatisfaction, or confusion will help you pinpoint the support you need.
For instance, if you’re feeling overwhelmed at work, you might need someone to help you set boundaries or manage your workload. (see Achor, S., & Gielan, M. (2018). “To Be Happier at Work, Invest More in Your Relationships.” Harvard Business Review) If you’re in a relationship that feels unfulfilling, perhaps you need guidance on how to express your feelings or navigate a difficult conversation.
I discuss these issues in my ‘Building Resilience – a Roadmap from Burnout to Breakthrough during a Life Transition’ course. Identifying and naming your needs is the first critical step toward finding the right solutions. When Sally started my ‘Building Resilience’ course she had hit a personal breaking point. She had been suppressing her stress for so long that she didn’t even know where to start when it came to asking for help. Working through the course, and during our coaching sessions, she learned not only how to identify her needs but also how to communicate those needs effectively to her partner and friends. In doing so, she became able to set healthier boundaries, recover from burnout, and restore balance to her life.
2. Find the Courage to Ask for Help
One of the biggest hurdles in communicating your needs is often finding the courage to ask for help in the first place. Many people feel like they should be able to handle everything on their own, fearing that asking for support makes them appear weak or dependent. However, seeking help is actually a sign of strength—it shows that you’re self-aware enough to recognise your limits and value your well-being.
Start by challenging the belief that you need to “go it alone.” Remind yourself that everyone needs support at some point in their life, and that the people in your support system likely want to be there for you. (see Radin, A. (2017). “Why Asking for Help Is Hard to Do.” Psychology Today.) Practice self-compassion by accepting that it’s okay to not have all the answers. The courage to ask for help can open the door to deeper connections and create space for real growth.,
One of the most transformative experiences for a guest on one of my retreats involved working with my horses to develop assertiveness and clear communication. Horses are incredibly intuitive animals, responding not to what we say, but to how we present ourselves energetically and emotionally. During a mindfulness session, our guest Sandra learned that her horse would only respond positively when she approached with clarity and confidence. By practising setting boundaries with the horse she became more aware of her own ability to communicate without hesitation. This newfound assertiveness translated into her personal life, where she gained the courage to ask for help from her support system and clearly express her needs.
3. Choose the Right Time and Setting
Timing and environment can greatly influence how your message is received. Make sure to communicate in a setting that feels safe, comfortable, and free of distractions. If you bring up a deeply personal issue during a hectic moment, even the most supportive person might not be able to offer the attention you need.
Consider having an intentional sit-down or scheduling a time that works for both of you. Be mindful of when they are most likely to be receptive. For example, approaching someone when they’re already stressed or distracted may result in a missed opportunity for meaningful support.
4. Use ‘I’ Statements to Express Yourself Clearly
When it comes to sensitive subjects, using “I” statements helps avoid making the other person feel defensive. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me” or “You don’t understand my situation,” try something like, “I feel unheard and would appreciate more support.” This shifts the focus to your feelings and your needs, which is much easier for the other person to respond to constructively.
“I” statements make it clear that you’re expressing your personal experience rather than blaming the other person for how you feel.
5. Be Specific About What You Need
It’s not enough to say, “I’m struggling” or “I need help.” The more specific you are, the easier it is for someone to understand how to support you. If you need time to vent, say so. If you need someone to help you brainstorm next steps for a career change, ask for that. Clarity can help prevent misunderstandings or frustration on both sides.
For example, you might say, “I’ve been feeling really drained from work lately, and I need help figuring out how to set better boundaries with my boss.” Or, “I’ve been struggling emotionally since my recent breakup, and I would love it if you could just check in with me once a week.”
Pay attention to your body language and tone of voice. Maintain comfortable eye contact, lean towards the other person, and use an open, non-defensive posture to show interest and engagement.
After expressing your needs, ask for feedback to ensure the other person has understood correctly. This can help prevent misunderstandings and allow for clarification if needed.
6. Acknowledge Their Limits
Even the most well-intentioned people in your support system have limits. Sometimes, they may not be able to offer the level of support you need due to their own emotional or logistical limitations. It’s important to acknowledge this and not take it personally. Instead, focus on the support they can offer and consider finding additional resources if needed, such as a counsellor or coach.
7. Offer Support in Return
Support is a two-way street. Make sure to ask your support system how they’re doing and what they might need from you. This creates a balanced dynamic, where both parties feel heard and valued. While expressing your needs, also be prepared to listen actively to the other person’s response. This shows respect and helps build mutual understanding. When you offer genuine support in return, you strengthen your relationships and ensure that they’ll be there when you need them most.
8. Follow Up and Express Gratitude
After you’ve communicated your needs and received support, it’s important to follow up. Let your support system know how their help impacted you, and thank them for their time and energy. Expressing gratitude strengthens relationships and reinforces the positive dynamics of your support network.
“Everyone enjoys being acknowledged and appreciated. Sometimes even the simplest act of gratitude can change someone’s entire day. Take the time to recognize and value the people around you and appreciate those who make a difference in your lives.” ― Roy T. Bennett in The Light in the Heart
For example, if a friend gave you advice that helped you navigate a tough decision at work, send them a quick message of thanks. Small gestures like this make your support system feel appreciated and more willing to help in the future.
Final Thoughts: Just Ask
Remember that no one can read your mind. If you’re feeling discontented or overwhelmed in any aspect of your life don’t wait until you reach a breaking point. Proactively communicate your needs to your support system. Being clear, direct, and specific will ensure that the people around you understand how best to help you. And in turn, they’ll appreciate your honesty and openness.
In addition to the transformational retreats that I host at my little French farm near Bordeaux, I have also created a couple ofonline courses, ex.Break Free from Uncertainty and Get Going in a New Direction – each course is available with or without one-to-one coaching. To receive notification of last-minute and early-bird specials on all of the above, I invite you to subscribe to my Savoir Vivre Vignettes newsletter which gives immediate access to my free How to Survive a Life Quake e-course.
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