The Truth About Boundaries: Your Questions Answered
Boundaries during life transitions are like wearing a life jacket in turbulent waters—they keep you afloat when everything else feels like it’s pulling you under. They protect your energy, preserve your sanity, and give you the space to actually choose your next chapter instead of being swept away by everyone else’s opinions about what you should do.
The Great Unravelling
Picture this: You’re standing at the edge of a cliff, but instead of feeling terrified, you’re oddly excited. Below you isn’t certain death—it’s the unknown. Behind you is everything familiar, everything safe, everything that no longer fits. This is the moment when most people realise they desperately need boundaries, usually right after their well-meaning Aunt Margaret has spent twenty minutes explaining why their life choices are “concerning.”
Life transitions are messy, beautiful, terrifying things. They’re the periods when we shed old skins like snakes, except we’re doing it in public while everyone watches and offers unsolicited advice. Whether it’s a career change, divorce, parenthood, loss of a loved one, or simply the realisation that you’ve outgrown your current life, transitions demand something from us that we’re rarely taught: the art of saying no to everything that doesn’t serve our growth.
Sam’s Story: The Boundary Breakthrough
Sam Moore had built her catering empire from her grandmother’s kitchen table, armed with nothing but a killer lasagna recipe and the stubborn belief that good food could fix anything. By thirty-five, she was running three restaurants, employing forty-seven people, and hadn’t taken a real vacation in seven years. The success tasted like sawdust in her mouth.
The morning everything changed started like any other. Sam stood in her flagship restaurant’s kitchen at 5:30 AM, the familiar weight of responsibility settling on her shoulders like a lead blanket. The smell of coffee beans grinding mixed with the yeasty aroma of bread dough rising—scents that once made her heart race with excitement now felt suffocating. Her hands, already stained with flour from muscle memory, moved through the morning prep routine while her mind wandered to places it wasn’t supposed to go.
What if I just… disappeared?
The thought hit her like a splash of cold dishwater. She could hear the sizzle of onions hitting hot oil in the pan beside her, the rhythmic thud of her sous chef’s knife against the cutting board, the gentle hum of the industrial refrigerator. These sounds had been her lullaby for years, but now they felt like a prison soundtrack.
“Sam, your mother’s on line two,” called Marcus, her manager, from the pass. “Something about the family reunion menu.”
Sam’s stomach clenched. The family reunion—another obligation, another expectation, another “yes” she’d automatically given without thinking. She wiped her hands on her apron, leaving streaks of tomato sauce that looked suspiciously like war paint, and walked to the phone.
“Samantha, darling, I was thinking we could do that wonderful seafood buffet you did for the Henderson wedding, but maybe add those little quiches everyone raves about, and oh! Could you make your grandmother’s tiramisu? I know it’s a lot of work, but—”
Sam stared at her reflection in the stainless steel surface of the prep counter. Her face looked hollow, her eyes rimmed with the kind of exhaustion that sleep couldn’t fix. In that warped reflection, she saw herself at forty-five, fifty, sixty—still saying yes, still carrying everyone else’s expectations, still slowly disappearing under the weight of being needed.
“No,” she said quietly.
“What’s that, dear? The connection must be—”
“No, Mom. I can’t do the reunion.” The words felt strange in her mouth, like speaking a foreign language. “I’m taking a break.”
The silence on the other end was deafening. Sam could practically hear her mother’s brain recalibrating, trying to process this unprecedented response from her eternally accommodating daughter.
“Are you feeling alright? You never say no to family.”
Exactly, Sam thought. That’s the problem.
Over the next three months, Sam discovered that setting boundaries during her transition was like learning to breathe underwater—terrifying at first, but absolutely essential for survival. She hired a business manager, delegated more to her team, and for the first time in her adult life, she said no to things that didn’t align with her vision for her future.
The pushback was immediate and uncomfortable. Her business partners questioned her commitment. Her family accused her of being selfish. Regular customers complained when she wasn’t personally available to handle their every request. But something magical happened in the space she created: clarity.
Sam realised she now wanted to teach cooking, not just run restaurants. She wanted to travel, to learn regional cuisines, to write the cookbook that had been living in her head for years. She wanted to fall in love again—with food, with life, with herself.
The smell of her grandmother’s kitchen, which had been buried under years of commercial kitchen stress, came flooding back. The taste of simple, perfectly ripe tomatoes. The feel of bread dough responding to her touch. The sound of genuine laughter over a shared meal. The sight of someone’s face lighting up when they took their first bite of something she’d created with love instead of obligation.
Six months later, Sam stood in a small cooking school in Tuscany, teaching a class of twelve enthusiastic students how to make pasta from scratch. The late afternoon sun streamed through the windows, casting everything in golden light. Her hands were covered in flour again, but this time it felt like possibility instead of prison.
“The secret,” she told her students, kneading the dough with practised ease, “isn’t just in the technique. It’s in knowing when to say no to everything else so you can say yes to what matters.”
Five Key Takeaways
1. Boundaries Are Not Walls, They’re Bridges
Think of boundaries as sophisticated filters, not barricades. They don’t shut people out; they create space for authentic connection. When Sam learned to say no to obligatory family catering gigs, she created room for meaningful conversations with her mother about her dreams and fears. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is refuse to enable someone’s unhealthy patterns—including your own.
2. The Guilt Is a GPS, Not a Stop Sign
That uncomfortable feeling when you first set a boundary? That’s your old programming having a tantrum. Guilt during transitions often signals that you’re moving in the right direction, challenging patterns that no longer serve you. As Maya Angelou wisely said, “When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.” This includes when you show yourself who you’re becoming.
3. Start Small, Think Big
You don’t need to revolutionise your entire life overnight. Sam started by saying no to one family obligation. From that tiny seed grew a complete life transformation. Practice boundary-setting with low-stakes situations first—declining that committee position, limiting phone calls to certain hours, or simply saying, “Let me think about it” instead of automatically agreeing.
4. Boundaries Require Maintenance
Like gardens, boundaries need regular tending. People will test them, and you’ll be tempted to abandon them when things get uncomfortable. During transitions, this maintenance becomes even more crucial because everyone around you is also adjusting to your changes. Consistency is key—wishy-washy boundaries are like broken fences that invite more trampling.
5. The Right People Will Respect Your Boundaries
Here’s the beautiful truth: the people who belong in your new chapter will celebrate your boundaries, not resent them. They’ll see your self-respect as an invitation to examine their own lives. The ones who fight your boundaries hardest are often the ones who’ve been benefiting from your lack of them. This isn’t always malicious—sometimes people resist change because it forces them to confront their own need for growth.
Write It Out
Grab your journal and a cup of something warm. Find a quiet space where you won’t be interrupted. Now, write about a time when you said “yes” to something that ultimately drained your energy or moved you further from your authentic self.
Explore these questions:
- What did that “yes” cost you?
- What were you afraid would happen if you said “no”?
- What boundary could you have set that would have protected your energy while still honoring your values?
- If you could go back and have that conversation again, what would you say?
Now, flip the script. Write about a time when saying “no” led to something beautiful or opened a door you didn’t expect. Notice how it felt in your body to honor your own needs.
Additional Exercises for Boundary Building
The Energy Audit: For one week, track your energy levels after different interactions and commitments. Notice patterns. What consistently drains you? What energises you? This data becomes your boundary-setting roadmap.
The Boundary Script Practice: Write out actual scripts for common boundary-setting scenarios. Practice saying them out loud until they feel natural. “I appreciate you thinking of me, but I won’t be able to take that on right now.” Simple, kind, final.
The Future Self Visualisation: Imagine yourself one year from now, living with healthy boundaries. What does your typical day look like? How do you feel? What opportunities have opened up? Let this vision guide your current boundary decisions.
Five Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Won’t setting boundaries during transitions hurt my relationships? A: Boundaries might change your relationships, but they rarely hurt healthy ones. The relationships that suffer are usually the ones that were dependent on your inability to say no. Real relationships grow stronger when both people operate from authenticity rather than obligation.
Q: How do I know if I’m being selfish or just setting healthy boundaries? A: Selfishness seeks to take from others; healthy boundaries seek to preserve your ability to give authentically. If you’re constantly depleted, you have nothing genuine to offer anyway. As the aeroplane safety instructions remind us: put on your own oxygen mask first.
Q: What if I set a boundary and then regret it? A: Boundaries aren’t carved in stone. You can adjust them as you learn and grow. The key is making conscious choices rather than automatic responses. Even a “wrong” boundary teaches you something valuable about your needs and values.
Q: How do I handle the guilt and pushback from family and friends? A: Remember that their discomfort with your boundaries often reflects their own need for growth. Stay compassionate but firm. You can acknowledge their feelings without changing your decision: “I understand you’re disappointed, and I’m still not available for that commitment.”
Q: Is it too late to start setting boundaries if I’ve never had them before? A: It’s never too late to start living authentically. Yes, people might be surprised by your newfound backbone, but that’s their adjustment to make, not your problem to solve. Every day is a chance to choose differently.
The Conclusion: Your Transition, Your Rules
Life transitions are like renovating a house while you’re still living in it—messy, disruptive, and absolutely necessary for creating the space you need to thrive. Boundaries during these periods aren’t just helpful; they’re essential survival tools that protect your energy, preserve your sanity, and create the conditions for authentic transformation.
Sam’s story reminds us that the people who truly love us want to see us flourish, not just function. They want to know the real us, not the people-pleasing version we’ve been performing for years. When we set boundaries during transitions, we’re not just protecting ourselves—we’re modelling for others what it looks like to live with intention and self-respect.
The beautiful irony is that by learning to say no to what doesn’t serve us, we become infinitely more capable of saying yes to what does. We create space for opportunities we never could have imagined, relationships that nourish rather than drain us, and a life that feels authentically ours.
If you’re feeling overwhelmed by uncertainty about your future, you’re not alone. Transitions are inherently uncertain, but they’re also where the magic happens. They’re where we discover who we really are beneath all the expectations and obligations.
Are you ready to discover what’s possible when you create space for your authentic self to emerge? Take our “Are you feeling overwhelmed by uncertainty about your future?” quiz to gain clarity on your next steps and learn how to navigate your transition with confidence and boundaries that actually work.
The Short and Sharp Summary
Why boundaries are crucially important during life transitions: Because transitions are vulnerable times when everyone has opinions about your choices, and without clear boundaries, you’ll end up living someone else’s version of your life instead of your own. Boundaries during transitions aren’t barriers—they’re the scaffolding that supports your transformation, protecting your energy and creating space for authentic growth. They’re the difference between being swept away by change and consciously choosing your next chapter.