Are you tired of feeling stuck, restless, or frustrated—like life is happening to you rather than for you? You’re not alone. Many of us reach a point where we know something needs to change, but we can’t quite put our finger on what’s wrong.
When you’re thinking about making a significant life change, or are trying to cope with one, whether you’re dissatisfied with your career, feel trapped in a relationship, are moving to a new city/country, feel mind-numbingly bored since you retired, are launching a challenging new business/side hustle, or dealing with a serious health scare/loss of a loved one, the hardest part is figuring out where to start.
Both my personal and professional experience (I am a medical doctor with a special interest in stress management) have taught me that the first and most crucial step in any life transformation is to clarify exactly what’s NOT working. This article is designed to help you break through the fog of confusion and get crystal clear on the specific aspects of your life that are misaligned and holding you back.
Identifying the root causes of your discontent is essential for several reasons
Without understanding the true source of your unhappiness, any changes you make could end up being superficial or misdirected. You might quit a job, end a relationship, or move to a new city, only to find that the dissatisfaction lingers because you haven’t addressed the core issues. When you pinpoint the exact reasons for your discontent—whether it’s misaligned values, burnout, lack of fulfilment, or a deeper fear of failure—you gain clarity on what you need to change. This insight allows you to make informed, purposeful choices that lead to lasting fulfilment rather than temporary fixes. By addressing the root, you can move forward with confidence, knowing that the changes you make will last.
Research by Christina Maslach on burnout suggests that emotional exhaustion and feelings of reduced accomplishment are common indicators that something in your life is out of alignment. Identifying these symptoms early can help you address them before they escalate. (Source: Maslach, C., & Jackson, S. E. (1981). The Measurement of Experienced Burnout. Journal of Occupational Behavior, 2(2), 99–113.)
The 5-Step Life Audit
According to the Stages of Change Model, many people get stuck in the contemplation phase, where they feel a need for change but haven’t fully committed. Clarifying what’s not working helps you move forward towards making concrete plans. (Source: Prochaska, J. O., & DiClemente, C. C. (1982). Transtheoretical Therapy: Toward a More Integrative Model of Change. Psychotherapy: Theory, Research & Practice, 19(3), 276–288.)
Cut through the confusion, pinpoint exactly what’s out of sync—and what’s holding you back from the life you really want – by answering the following questions:
1. Where’s the Friction? Start by examining different areas of your life:
Areas of life that are important to you, for example: Health, Career/Business, Finance, Personal Growth/Education, Relationships/Family, Recreation/Fun, Physical Environment, and Spirituality/Public service.
For each area, ask yourself:
- What would an ideal situation look like?
- How satisfied am I on a scale of 1-10?
- What specific aspects are causing dissatisfaction?
By auditing your life, you’ll get a clearer picture of what might be wrong. This step requires honesty with yourself. Sometimes, we distract ourselves from acknowledging our true feelings, afraid of confronting what might need to change.
2. What drains Your Emotional Energy?
Discontent often shows up as exhaustion. If you’re feeling depleted, if you suffer from burnout, it could be a sign that your current situation is draining you emotionally, mentally, or physically. Understanding where your energy goes and what recharges you can provide insight into what isn’t working.
Consider:
- What activities or people leave me feeling drained, rather than energised? In other words, am I an introvert or an extrovert? Or even an ambivert?
- Are there parts of my life where I give more than I receive, leaving me feeling exhausted?
- When was the last time I felt truly fulfilled or energised, and what was I doing?
This exercise often reveals surprising truths. You may notice that while your job pays well, it zaps your energy, or that certain relationships require more emotional labour than you have available.
During one of my ‘Camino de Santiago walking retreats, Sandy shared how she had been struggling with her marriage for years, but couldn’t pinpoint exactly why. Through guided journaling exercises, she realised that her discontent wasn’t about the relationship itself, but rather about the fact that she had suppressed her need for personal growth. Once she acknowledged this, she was able to communicate her needs more clearly to her partner and they both began making plans to travel together and explore new activities, revitalising their relationship.
3. Assess Your Values
During your lifetime, your values and priorities change, and situations that used to fit may no longer feel aligned with who you’ve become. It’s crucial to reassess what you value most and whether your current life reflects those values:
- What aspects of my life feel misaligned with my core values or identity?
- Has what I value changed over time, and have I adjusted my life to reflect that?
- Are there situations where I feel like I’m pretending to be someone I’m not?
For example, you might have started your career chasing success, but now, meaningful work or work-life balance might matter more. Or perhaps you value independence, but your relationship feels co-dependent.
4. Look for Patterns: Is There a Repetitive Theme?
Discontent can arise from patterns of behaviour that we repeat without realising. These patterns can make you feel stuck, as if life is happening to you without you having any say in the matter:
- Are there patterns in the types of jobs or relationships I choose that result in similar outcomes?
- Do I notice cycles of burnout, boredom, or unfulfillment in certain areas of my life?
- Am I resisting change out of fear of uncertainty or failure?
Identifying a theme can help you zero in on what’s not working and why it keeps recurring. For instance, if you repeatedly find yourself in controlling relationships, you might need to work on setting stronger boundaries rather than looking for a new partner.
5. Get Objective Feedback: What Are Others Noticing?
Sometimes, we’re too close to our own lives to see clearly. Reach out to trusted friends, family members, or mentors and ask for their honest observations about your life and behaviour. They may offer valuable insights you’ve overlooked if you ask the following questions:
- What patterns or behaviours do you see in me that might be contributing to my dissatisfaction?
- Do you notice anything in my life that seems out of sync with who I am or what I want?
- Have I complained about a specific area of my life repeatedly without doing anything to change it?
While others can’t tell you what to do, they can often see blind spots we miss ourselves. A trusted friend may point out that you’ve been talking about leaving your job for years, or they may see that your relationship seems more draining than uplifting.
Common Pitfalls to Avoid
As you work through this clarification process, be mindful of these potential obstacles:
- Overgeneralising: Avoid broad statements like “everything is wrong.” Be specific about what isn’t working.
- Blaming others: While external factors play a role, focus on aspects within your control.
- Ignoring small issues: Sometimes, minor irritations can accumulate to create significant dissatisfaction. Don’t overlook them.
- Rushing the process: Take your time to thoroughly examine your life. Hasty conclusions may lead to disastrous changes.
Make Time for Reflection: Explore Your Deeper Issues
Once you’ve identified the discomfort, patterns, and areas of misalignment, take time for introspection. This can be done through journaling (12 journaling prompts), or by attending a retreat—like my Camino de Santiago Walking Retreats, where you can step away from the never-ending demands of your everyday life and give yourself time to reflect without distraction so that you can see the bigger picture.
Luna, a client I worked with during a Camino de Santiago retreat was feeling trapped in her corporate job. On the surface, everything looked great—a steady paycheck, a good position, but inside, she felt drained and unfulfilled. She realised the issue wasn’t the job itself, but that her values had shifted. What once motivated her—climbing the career ladder—was no longer aligned with who she’d become and she increasingly felt unfulfilled. After going through the 5-step audit, she decided that her exhaustion wasn’t just from the workload—she wanted to do something more creative and fulfilling. By the end of the retreat, she had a plan to slowly transition into opening her own photography business, a long-standing passion of hers.
Walking the Camino de Santiago is a unique and unforgettable experience, that can provide answers to questions like these: What are the underlying issues beneath my discontent? Is it fear of failure, a need for approval, or simply not giving myself permission to prioritise my happiness?
What’s Next?
Once you’ve clarified what’s not working, the next step is determining what you want instead. This is where courses like my Define Your Life Purpose to Facilitate a Life Change come in. Knowing what your life purpose is will enable you to shape a vision for the life you truly want to create.
When Estelle started my Define Your Life Purpose to Facilitate a Life Change course, she had just retired and felt lost, unsure of how to find purpose after leaving the workforce. As we worked through the course, she had time to reflect on what she had loved most about her career—mentoring younger colleagues. By the end of the course, she decided to use this skill to start volunteering with young adults, offering career guidance and mentorship, which gave her a renewed sense of purpose in her retirement.”
If you’re ready to dive deeper and commit to a lasting life change, explore my retreats and courses that are specifically designed for those making life changes or navigating life transitions. It’s time to leave behind what isn’t working and start building a life that truly fulfils you.
Remember: Change doesn’t happen overnight, but by taking the time to clarify what’s wrong, you’re already on the right path.
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