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Whenever someone tells me they’re going through a major life change, I notice something curious.
They almost always begin by talking about what has happened.
“I lost my job.”
“My marriage ended.”
“The children have left home.”
“We’ve moved abroad.”
“I’ve retired.”
These are all significant events, of course. They deserve our attention. But after years of listening to people who are going through some of life’s biggest challenges, and of going through these challenges myself, I’ve become convinced that the events themselves rarely cause the biggest problems.
The problems usually arrive a little later, often disguised as a simple question.
“So who am I now?”
That’s the question that keeps people awake at three o’clock in the morning.
Our identity is rather like the scaffolding around a building. Most of the time, we don’t notice it’s there. We simply assume we know who we are because life keeps confirming it.
You’re the doctor.
The teacher.
The business owner.
The husband.
The wife.
The parent.
The caregiver.
Then one day, life quietly removes the scaffolding.
The job disappears.
The relationship ends.
The children no longer need you in the same way.
Your health deteriorates.
It’s finally time to retire.
Suddenly, the labels you’ve worn for years no longer fit quite as comfortably, if at all.
No wonder life feels uncertain.
We’re trying to answer tomorrow’s questions wearing yesterday’s identity.
One of the biggest mistakes we make during periods of change is assuming we need to rebuild our old life as quickly as possible. We rush to find another job, another relationship, another project or another distraction because we’re desperate to feel like ourselves again.
But perhaps we are not meant to become our old selves again.
Perhaps we were meant to become someone smarter.
I don’t mean changing your personality. If you love terrible puns, you’ll probably still love terrible puns after retirement. If you’ve always preferred tea to coffee, that isn’t likely to change either.
I’m talking about something much deeper.
The story you tell yourself about who you are.
For years, one of my retreat guests had introduced herself by her profession before saying anything else about herself. It had become her identity. When redundancy arrived unexpectedly, she didn’t just lose a job. She lost the answer to the question, “Tell me about yourself.”
It took time, many conversations and plenty of solitary walking before she realised that she had confused what she did with who she was.
It’s an easy mistake to make.
Our culture applauds achievement. At dinner parties we’re often asked, “What do you do?” rather than, “What lights you up?” or “What matters to you?”
We slowly begin to believe that our value lies in our productivity, our titles or our accomplishments.
Until life takes one of them away.
The good news is that identity isn’t something we find once and keep forever.It’s something we continue to shape throughout our lives.
Every major transition offers us an opportunity to ask questions.
Not, “How do I get my old life back?”
But, “Who do I want to be next?”
That’s a very different conversation.
It’s gentler.
More hopeful.
And, oddly enough, far more practical.
Because once you begin to understand who you’re becoming, the decisions that once felt overwhelming often become much clearer. You stop chasing opportunities that belong to your old life and start recognising the ones that belong to your next chapter.
Life changes can feel like grand scale demolitions.
Sometimes they are.
But demolition isn’t the opposite of construction.
It’s often the beginning of it.
So, if life has recently stripped away one of the labels you’ve carried for years, resist the temptation to replace it too quickly.
Sit with the question for a while.
Walk with it.
Write about it.
Pray about it, if that’s part of your life.
Allow yourself the extraordinary privilege of discovering who you are when all the labels have fallen away.
You may find that the person emerging is smaller than the one you were before.
Author Bio: Dr Margaretha Montagu – described as a “game changer”, “gifted healer”, “guiding light” and “life-enriching author” – is an experienced medical doctor, a certified NLP practitioner, a medical hypnotherapist, an equine-assisted psychotherapist (EAGALAcertified) and a transformational retreat leader who guides her clients through life transitions – virtually, or with the assistance of her Friesian and Falabella horses, at their home in the southwest of France.
If your soul is craving fresh air, meaningful movement, and a chance to reconnect with nature, join us on a Camino de Santiago Walking Retreat in the southwest of France. This isn’t just a scenic hike – it’s a powerful, natural reboot for your body, mind, and spirit. Imagine quiet paths, rolling hills, cozy evenings, and slow conversations. No fitness requirements. No forced bonding. No pressure to have a breakthrough. Just one foot in front of the other, and finding your way to a brighter future.