Emotional Regulation: Are You an Emotionally Regulated Adult?

Summary: If you are an emotionally regulated adult, you don’t explode in meetings, implode over spilt coffee, or need wine to “decompress” from Tuesday. Emotionally regulated adults have cracked the code that eludes most hardworking professionals: feeling all the feelings without letting those feelings run the show. Spoiler alert: it’s not about being zen 24/7—it’s about being authentically human while staying functionally brilliant.

Introduction

You’re in back-to-back meetings, your phone is buzzing with “urgent” requests, and someone just microwaved fish in the office kitchen. Again. Your colleague Sarah storms past your desk, muttering about incompetent vendors, while Jake from accounting has locked himself in his office after yet another client complaint. Meanwhile, your team leader, Lisa, calmly acknowledges the chaos, takes a measured breath, addresses each issue systematically, and somehow still remembers to ask how your weekend was.

What’s the difference between Sarah, Jake, and Lisa? It’s not that Lisa doesn’t feel frustrated, overwhelmed, or annoyed. She feels it all—but she’s mastered something that 73% of hardworking professionals struggle with daily: emotional regulation.

After 20 years as a physician specialising in stress management and more than a decade leading transformational retreats along France’s ancient Camino de Santiago, I’ve witnessed countless brilliant professionals discover this life-changing skill. The stories never get old, but one woman’s journey particularly captures what emotional regulation actually looks like in real life.

Elena’s Awakening: The Executive Who Thought She Had It All

Elena Rosewood appeared to have mastered life’s equation. At 42, she was the youngest VP at her Fortune 500 consulting firm, owned a pristine Manhattan apartment that graced lifestyle magazines, and maintained what her colleagues called “enviable composure.” Her calendar was colour-coded perfection, her presentations flawless, her responses measured and professional.

The morning everything unravelled started like any other. Elena’s alarm chimed at 5:47 AM—precisely timed to allow for her morning routine of black coffee, financial news, and thirty minutes on the Peloton. The familiar ritual felt like armour, protecting her from the day’s demands.

But armour, Elena would learn, can become a prison.

The first crack appeared during the 9 AM leadership meeting. As the marketing director presented quarterly projections, Elena felt her jaw tighten—a sensation she’d trained herself to ignore. The numbers were wrong. Glaringly, embarrassingly wrong. Her fingers found the familiar stress ball beneath the conference table, squeezing rhythmically as she crafted her response.

“Thank you, Marcus,” she said, her voice sharp as broken glass. “Perhaps we could revisit these figures after we’ve had time to… refine the analysis.” Her smile was practised, professional. No one saw the storm churning beneath.

By 2 PM, the storm had grown. Three more meetings revealed systemic issues her team had been covering up for months. Elena’s breathing became shallow, her shoulders rigid against her Italian blazer. She excused herself to the restroom, gripping the marble sink as she stared at her reflection—still perfectly composed, still smiling that corporate smile.

The breaking point came at 4:17 PM.

Her assistant knocked tentatively, bearing news that the Johnson account—their biggest client—was jumping ship. Elena heard the words through what felt like cotton. Her vision tunnelled. The familiar conference room suddenly felt airless, the fluorescent lights too harsh against her skin.

“Thank you, Jennifer. Please reschedule my remaining calls.”

Elena’s voice sounded foreign to her own ears—thin, hollow. She gathered her belongings with mechanical precision, nodding politely at colleagues who complimented her “grace under pressure” as she headed for the elevator.

In the taxi home, Elena finally allowed her mask to slip. Her hands trembled as she stared out at the city lights blurring past. The car smelled of synthetic vanilla air freshener mixed with the driver’s cigarettes—scents that somehow made her feel more unmoored. She pressed her forehead against the cool window, feeling the vibration of traffic pulse against her skull.

Her apartment felt like a museum that night—beautiful, curated, and utterly lifeless. Elena sat on her pristine sofa, still in her work clothes, listening to the hum of her refrigerator and the distant sound of sirens. For the first time in years, she allowed herself to feel the truth: she wasn’t regulated. She was sedated.

The revelation hit her like ice water. All those years of “staying professional,” all those moments of swallowing her reactions, pushing down her frustrations, maintaining that unflappable exterior—she hadn’t been managing her emotions. She’d been numbing them.

Elena’s journey to true emotional regulation began that night, in her silent apartment, when she finally stopped pretending she was fine. It would take months of honest work—therapy, mindfulness training, learning to feel her feelings instead of filing them away—but the transformation was profound.

Six months later, during another crisis meeting, Elena felt familiar tension rise in her chest. But this time, instead of suppressing it, she paused. She noticed the tightness, acknowledged it internally, and asked herself what the feeling was trying to tell her. Frustration, yes, but also concern for her team and disappointment about the setback.

“I’m feeling frustrated about these delays,” she said aloud, her voice calm but authentic. “And I imagine you all are too. Let’s take five minutes to reset, then tackle this systematically.”

The room shifted. Shoulders relaxed. Real solutions emerged when people could be honest about their feelings instead of pretending they didn’t exist.

True emotional regulation, Elena discovered, wasn’t about having no emotions—it was about having a healthy relationship with all of them. The regulated adult feels fear but acts with courage, experiences anger but responds with wisdom, and acknowledges disappointment but moves forward with purpose.

Elena still works in consulting, but her leadership style has transformed completely. Her team consistently ranks highest in satisfaction surveys, not because she’s always positive, but because she’s genuinely present with whatever she’s feeling. She models what they all secretly crave: the freedom to be human while remaining professional.

The woman who once needed wine to decompress now finds restoration in evening walks. The executive who used to schedule “worry time” now processes concerns as they arise. Elena learned that emotional regulation isn’t about control—it’s about response. And the response that changed everything was giving herself permission to feel.

Five Writing Prompts to Explore Your Emotional Regulation

1. The Last Time I Lost It: Write about a recent moment when you felt emotionally overwhelmed. Instead of judging the experience, describe it like a weather report—what did you feel in your body? What thoughts arose? What was your emotional climate telling you about what you needed?
2. The Emotion I Fear Most: Identify the feeling you work hardest to avoid (anger, sadness, fear, disappointment). Write a letter to that emotion, asking what gift it might bring if you stopped running from it. What might this feeling teach you about your values and boundaries?
3. My Emotional Inheritance: Reflect on how your family handled emotions during your childhood. What spoken and unspoken rules existed about feelings? Which of these patterns serve you today, and which ones are ready for retirement?
4. The Pause That Changed Everything: Describe a time when you managed to pause between feeling and reacting. What made that pause possible? How did taking that moment change the outcome? What would you like to remember about that experience?
5. My Regulated Future Self: Imagine yourself one year from now, having developed greater emotional regulation. How do you handle stress differently? What does your inner dialogue sound like? How do your relationships change when you’re not afraid of your own feelings?

Insights from an Expert

Marc Brackett, director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, writes in his latest book Dealing with Feeling: “Success in virtually every aspect of life—career, friendships, love, and family—is determined mainly by one thing: how you deal with your feelings.”

This quote perfectly captures why emotional regulation matters so much. We often excel at external metrics—revenue targets, project deadlines, performance reviews—while neglecting the internal skills that actually determine our success and satisfaction. Brackett’s research demonstrates that emotional regulation isn’t a nice-to-have soft skill; it’s the foundation that makes everything else possible. When we learn to work with our emotions rather than against them, we unlock not just professional success, but the kind of life that feels genuinely fulfilling.

Further Reading: Five Unconventional Books for Emotional Growth

1. “Dealing with Feeling” by Marc Brackett
Brackett’s latest work moves beyond basic emotional intelligence to practical regulation strategies. Unlike typical self-help books, this combines rigorous research with actionable techniques for high-pressure situations—perfect for professionals who need evidence-based approaches to emotional wellness.

2. “You ARE Good Enough” by Dr. Margaretha Montagu
My own exploration of the inner critic that sabotages so many brilliant professionals. This book addresses the perfectionism that often masquerades as emotional regulation, offering gentle but transformative strategies for self-acceptance that I’ve refined through years of working with high-achievers.

3. “The Gifts of Imperfection” by Brené Brown
Brown’s work on vulnerability revolutionizes how we think about professional strength. This book challenges the myth that emotional regulation means having no emotions, instead revealing how authenticity becomes our greatest leadership asset.

4. “Wherever You Go, There You Are” by Jon Kabat-Zinn
This mindfulness classic offers practical meditation techniques without the mystical language that turns off analytical minds. Kabat-Zinn’s medical background makes this accessible for science-minded professionals who want proven techniques for emotional awareness.

5. “The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessel van der Kolk
Van der Kolk’s groundbreaking work explains how emotions live in our bodies, not just our minds. For professionals who tend to intellectualise feelings, this book provides crucial understanding of why physical practices—like walking, breathing, or even working with horses—can be more effective than talk therapy alone.

Frequently Asked Questions

Q: Is emotional regulation the same as emotional suppression?
A: Absolutely not. Suppression is like putting a lid on a boiling pot—the pressure builds until something explodes. Regulation is more like learning to adjust the heat. You feel the emotion fully, understand what it’s telling you, then choose your response consciously rather than reactively.

Q: Can you be too emotionally regulated?
A: Yes, if “regulation” becomes another form of control or perfectionism. Healthy regulation includes space for spontaneity, vulnerability, and yes, even appropriate emotional expressions. If you never feel angry about injustice or sad about loss, you might be over-regulating.

Q: How long does it take to develop better emotional regulation?
A: Like physical fitness, it’s an ongoing practice rather than a destination. Most people notice initial improvements within 4-6 weeks of consistent practice, but deep integration takes months to years. The good news? Every small improvement compounds.

Q: What if my workplace culture doesn’t support emotional expression?
A: Start with internal regulation—learning to recognise and work with your emotions privately before expressing them. As you become more skilled, you can begin modeling healthy emotional expression in small ways, which often gives others permission to be more authentic too.

Q: Is it possible to be emotionally regulated during major life crises?
A: Regulation doesn’t mean being unaffected by crisis—it means having the skills to navigate intense emotions without being overwhelmed by them. During major challenges, regulated individuals feel the full impact but can still access their wisdom and make decisions aligned with their values.

Five Key Takeaways

1. Emotional regulation is not emotional elimination. The goal isn’t to feel less, but to respond more wisely to what you feel.
2. Your body is your early warning system. Physical sensations—tension, breathing changes, stomach knots—often signal emotional shifts before your mind catches up.
3. Pausing is a superpower. The space between stimulus and response is where choice lives. Even a three-second pause can transform your entire day.
4. Regulation improves with practice, not perfection. Every time you notice an emotion without immediately reacting, you’re building the neural pathways for better regulation.
5. Authentic regulation enhances rather than diminishes your professional presence. People trust and follow leaders who can be genuinely present with challenging emotions while maintaining their ability to think clearly and act wisely.

A Voice from the Camino

“I arrived at Dr. Montagu’s retreat convinced I was already emotionally regulated—after all, I rarely lost my temper and always met my deadlines. But walking the Camino and interacting with the horses, I realised I wasn’t regulated at all; I was just really good at emotional suppression. The gentle way Dr. Montagu helped me see the difference changed not just my career, but my entire relationship with myself. I learned that true regulation means feeling everything and letting wisdom guide your response, not fear.”
— Sarah Chelton, Marketing Director, London

Conclusion

The emotionally regulated adult isn’t a mythical creature who floats through life untouched by stress, disappointment, or frustration. They’re the colleague who can acknowledge when they’re overwhelmed while still taking effective action. They’re the leader who can feel genuine anger about unfairness while channelling that energy into positive change. They’re the professional who can experience fear about a risky decision while still accessing their courage and wisdom.

Emotional regulation is perhaps the most practical skill you can develop—not because it eliminates difficult emotions, but because it transforms your relationship with them. When you’re no longer afraid of your own feelings, you become capable of remarkable things. You can have honest conversations, make decisions from clarity rather than reactivity, and create the kind of work environment where both performance and humanity thrive.

The path to emotional regulation isn’t found in a boardroom or a productivity app—it’s discovered in moments of honest self-reflection, in the courage to feel what you’re feeling, and in the daily practice of choosing response over reaction.

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Ready to discover what emotionally regulated leadership looks like for you? Join me for a transformational 7-day stress relief retreat along France’s ancient Camino de Santiago trail in the beautiful southwest of France. Starting the first Saturday of each month from March through December, these intimate retreats combine mindfulness practices, gentle hiking, and profound conversations—with the healing presence of my Friesian and Falabella horses as co-facilitators. Because sometimes the path to emotional regulation leads through ancient footsteps, open hearts, and the wisdom that emerges when we finally stop running from ourselves.

Discover upcoming retreat dates and start your own journey to authentic self-regulation.