What Truly Matters to Me?

The Big Questions We Ask in a LifeQuake

Summary

This article explores the profound question “What Truly Matters to Me?” that emerges during major life transitions. When everything familiar is disrupted—whether through career change, relationship endings, or identity shifts—we’re forced to examine our core values and what we genuinely cherish. This article helps you to understand why this question is crucial, shares relatable stories of values reclamation, offers expert insights on reconnecting with authentic priorities, and provides practical tools for readers to discover what truly matters to them amidst upheaval. Through storytelling and evidence-based approaches, you will find pathways to clarity when everything seems uncertain.

The Moment Everything Changed

The moving boxes were stacked against bare walls, each containing fragments of a life I was leaving behind. I sat cross-legged on the hardwood floor, surrounded by the hollow echo of an empty apartment that had witnessed ten years of my achievements, struggles, and disappointments. My designer clothes were packed, my awards bubble-wrapped, my credentials safely stored—all the things I’d spent a decade accumulating as proof of my worth.

Yet there I was, sobbing into my hands, not because I was losing these possessions, but because I finally understood they weren’t what I’d rush back into a burning building to save.

Two months earlier, my body had simply stopped—chronic migraines, insomnia, and panic attacks bringing my carefully constructed high-achiever life to a grinding halt. My doctor had used that word I’d come to recognise: “LifeQuake.” A seismic disruption forcing everything to be reevaluated.

“What do you actually care about?” my therapist had asked the previous week. “If everything was stripped away, what would remain essential?”

I couldn’t answer her. Somewhere between the promotions, the networking events, and the relentless hustle, I’d forgotten what drove me beyond the next achievement. Now, facing a cross-country move and a complete career pivot, the silence of the empty apartment seemed to whisper the question back at me: “What truly matters to you? What would you fight to reclaim?”

I pressed my palm against the cool floor, feeling the vibration of my own heartbeat. Perhaps that was the first clue—that I was still here, still breathing, still capable of reinvention. The realisation didn’t solve everything, but it shifted something fundamental. I wasn’t just leaving; I was making room for what genuinely mattered.

The Essential Question of “What Truly Matters?”

During life’s major transitions—whether chosen or thrust upon us—we inevitably face questions that cut to the core of our existence. Among these, “What truly matters to me?” stands as perhaps the most transformative inquiry we can explore.

This question arises precisely when our familiar anchors dissolve: during career upheavals, relationship endings, health crises, or those undefined periods when we simply feel disconnected from our former selves. When external validation and long-held identities are stripped away, we’re forced to look deeper.

This isn’t merely philosophical pondering—it’s practical survival. Research consistently shows that people who maintain clarity about their core values demonstrate greater resilience during major life transitions. When we know what matters most, we can make decisions aligned with our authentic selves rather than reacting from fear or external pressure.

In this article, we’ll explore why identifying what truly matters becomes urgent during life transitions. We’ll share stories of people who’ve explored this question, provide evidence-based approaches to uncovering your core values, and offer practical ways to realign your life with what you genuinely cherish—even when everything else seems uncertain.

Stephan’s Story: Reclaiming What Matters

The notification that I had reached Executive Platinum status with the airline appeared on my phone as I stood in the quiet hallway of the hospice facility. My father had just taken his final breath ten minutes earlier. The absurd juxtaposition hit me like a physical blow—achievement unlocked at the precise moment everything that actually mattered came sharply into focus.

“Mr. Riesling, we need your signature on these forms when you’re ready,” the hospice nurse said softly, pulling me back to the weight of the moment.

I was Stephan Riesling, founding partner at a venture capital firm that specialised in high-growth tech startups. My calendar was a Tetris game of board meetings, pitch evaluations, and strategic planning sessions. My sense of identity was intertwined with being the guy who could spot the next unicorn company, who had the Midas touch with investments. I measured my worth in portfolio valuations and successful exits.

What most people didn’t see was the collateral damage. Three months earlier, while evaluating a promising healthcare AI startup in Singapore, I’d missed my father’s first hospitalisation. “Don’t worry about flying back,” he’d insisted on our video call. “This is just a precaution.” I’d believed him because it was convenient to believe him.

Six weeks ago, when the diagnosis became terminal, I’d arranged for the best hospice care money could buy. I’d visited when I could between critical meetings and diligence processes that “couldn’t wait.” I’d convinced myself that my success was something he was proud of, something that honoured him.

Standing there in that hallway, the hollow victory of airline status mocking me from my phone screen, I realised I’d been sleepwalking through what mattered most.

“Dad kept this by his bedside,” the nurse said, handing me a weathered photo I hadn’t seen in decades. It showed the two of us standing beside a small sailboat on Lake Michigan. I was maybe twelve. We were both sunburned and grinning wildly after catching our first decent wind. The sailing lessons had been his gift to me after my mother died—one summer where it was just the two of us learning something new together.

I hadn’t been on a sailboat since college. I’d been “too busy” the last five summers when Dad suggested we rent one for a day.

That night in my childhood bedroom, surrounded by trophies and achievements that suddenly seemed like artefacts from someone else’s life, I found my father’s journal. The most recent entry, dated just a week before, read: “Stephan visited today. So proud of all he’s accomplished. I still wish we had a simpler time together. The way his face used to light up on the water—that’s the memory I hold closest.”

I sat with those words until dawn, a growing clarity emerging through the grief. I’d spent fifteen years accumulating evidence of my value rather than actually living aligned with it. In chasing the next deal, the next milestone, I’d convinced myself that achievement was the same as meaning.

Three months after the funeral, I sat on the deck of a 32-foot sailboat—my sailboat—watching the sun rise over Lake Michigan. After difficult conversations with my partners, I’d restructured my role at the firm, reducing my client load by half. I’d rented a small lakeside cottage for the summer to sort out what came next.

That morning, I’d woken early with a question that had become my daily meditation: “What would I fight to get back if everything was taken away?”

The answer had grown clearer with each passing day. Not the corner office or the investment portfolio. Not the professional reputation or the premium status perks. What mattered was presence—fully inhabiting the moments of my life rather than constantly positioning for some future achievement. What mattered was connection—to myself, to those I loved, to purpose beyond accumulation.

The small wooden box containing some of my father’s ashes sat beside me on the deck. We’d have one last sail together, and then I would let him merge with the waters he loved. As the morning light strengthened across the horizon, I felt something I hadn’t experienced in years—the sensation of being exactly where I needed to be, doing exactly what mattered most.

The Science of Clarifying Values

When life undergoes dramatic shifts, reconnecting with what truly matters isn’t just emotionally satisfying—it’s neurologically necessary. Research in the field of transitional psychology shows that periods of major disruption create unique windows where our brain’s neuroplasticity increases, allowing us to rewrite our understanding of what holds genuine importance.

Dr. Emily Carter, director of the Transitions Research Institute, explains: “Major life disruptions temporarily disable our autopilot modes of operating. This creates both tremendous anxiety and extraordinary opportunity. The brain becomes more receptive to reassessing core values precisely when external circumstances force the question.”

This phenomenon explains why so many people report profound value shifts following major life transitions. A 2023 longitudinal study tracking individuals through various life disruptions found that 78% reported significant reprioritisation of values, with material success and external validation often giving way to connection, meaning, and authentic expression.

What’s particularly interesting is how this values clarification process follows predictable stages:

1. Disorientation: The initial destabilisation when existing priorities no longer provide security or meaning
2. Excavation: The archaeological dig through layers of assumed values to discover what genuinely resonates
3. Experimentation: Testing potential new values through action and reflection
4. Integration: Embodying reclaimed or newly discovered values in daily choices

In my own work guiding hundreds of individuals through major life transitions, I’ve observed that those who consciously engage with the question “What truly matters?” rather than avoiding it tend to emerge from transitions with greater clarity and resilience. One client described it as “finding the eye of the hurricane—a place of calm truth around which everything else can reorganise.”

The psychological concept of “values congruence”—alignment between stated values and lived experience—becomes particularly relevant here. Research consistently shows that incongruence between what we say matters and how we actually live creates significant psychological distress. Transitions force this incongruence into our awareness, creating both discomfort and the possibility for more authentic realignment.

Importantly, values clarification doesn’t always require dramatic external changes. Sometimes the most profound shifts happen internally in how we relate to our existing circumstances. As psychologist Viktor Frankl noted from his observations in concentration camps: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances.”

During life transitions, this freedom to choose what matters becomes both our greatest challenge and our most powerful resource.

Finding Your North Star in an Ever Changing World

The Great Resignation may have peaked in 2022, but we’re now seeing what experts are calling “The Great Reconsideration” as people who made dramatic life changes are reassessing what truly matters to them. According to recent Pew Research data, 63% of those who changed careers during the pandemic report that clarifying personal values was a primary driver, ahead of salary increases or better work conditions.

This collective values reset corresponds with broader societal shifts. The latest World Values Survey shows unprecedented movement toward what researchers call “post-materialist values”—a focus on autonomy, expression, and quality of connections rather than economic security and traditional success markers.

What does this mean for you, navigating your personal LifeQuake in 2025?

First, recognise that your questioning isn’t isolated—it’s part of a larger human response to uncertainty. When systems we’ve relied on prove fragile, we naturally return to fundamental questions about what gives our lives meaning.

Second, this cultural moment provides unique support for authentic values reassessment. Organisations, communities, and relationships are generally more receptive to conversations about meaningful values alignment than they were even five years ago.

The practical challenge becomes distinguishing between external noise about what “should” matter and your own inner knowing. Here are evidence-based approaches to reconnect with what truly matters to you:

Reflection Exercise: The Life Museum

Imagine you’re curating a museum exhibit about your life. What twelve objects, relationships, experiences, or contributions would you include as most representative of what truly matters to you? For each item:

• Why does this particular element hold significance?
• What core value or quality does it represent?
• How prominently does this value express itself in your daily life currently?
• What small adjustment could bring your actions into greater alignment with this value?

Daily Practice: Values-Aligned Micro-Moments

Each morning, identify one core value you want to honour that day. Set three brief moments (perhaps timed to transitions like commuting, lunch, and evening) to pause and ask:

1. How am I honouring this value right now?
2. What’s one small way I could align more deeply with this value in my next action?

This practice builds what psychologists call “values attentiveness“—the capacity to stay connected to what matters amid daily demands.

Practical Takeaways

1. Clarify through contrast: Sometimes identifying what doesn’t matter helps reveal what does. Notice what you don’t miss during upheaval.
2. Seek values-based evidence: Look for times when you’ve felt most alive, engaged, and fulfilled. What values were you expressing?
3. Test through action: Values aren’t just concepts—they’re lived experiences. Experiment with choices aligned with potential core values and notice what resonates.
4. Create values touchstones: Develop physical reminders—symbols, images, or words—that reconnect you with core values during stressful transitions.
5. Find values-aligned community: Surrounding yourself with people who share your fundamental values provides both support and accountability during transitions.

Remember that values clarification isn’t a one-time exercise but an ongoing practice, especially valuable during major life transitions when everything feels in flux.

Myths vs. Truths About What Truly Matters

Myth: What matters most should remain constant throughout life.

Truth: Our core values often evolve through different life stages and experiences. What matters at 30 may differ from what matters at 50 or 70. Life transitions actually create valuable opportunities to reassess and refine our understanding of what’s truly important.

Myth: If something truly matters to me, pursuing it should feel comfortable and easy.

Truth: Following what matters often requires moving through discomfort and resistance. Our most meaningful values frequently call us toward growth edges rather than comfort zones.

Myth: I should be able to immediately know what matters most to me.

Truth: Values clarification is usually an emergent process rather than an instant revelation. Many people discover what truly matters through experimentation, reflection, and gentle investigation rather than sudden insight.

Myth: What truly matters should be unique and different from what matters to others.

Truth: Many core human values—connection, contribution, authenticity, growth—are universally meaningful. Your particular expression of these values may be unique, but the underlying importance of love, purpose, and meaning connects us rather than separates us.

Myth: Once I figure out what truly matters, all my decisions will become easy.

Truth: Knowing your values doesn’t eliminate difficulty—it provides a compass, not a detailed map. You’ll still face complex choices and trade-offs, but with greater clarity about your guiding principles.

Your North Star in the Storm

As we reach the end of our exploration into what truly matters during life transitions, I want to speak directly to that part of you that may feel lost, overwhelmed, or untethered as everything familiar transforms.

There’s profound wisdom in this question you’re asking. When the externals shift—the job title, the relationship status, the identity you’ve worn, the physical capability you’ve relied on—something essential remains. Finding that essence isn’t just comforting; it’s orientation in disorienting times.

What truly matters to you may not be what mattered before. That’s not failure—it’s evolution. The values you discover or reclaim during this transition will likely be both simpler and deeper than you expected.

I invite you to hold this question gently in the coming days: “If everything was taken away, what would I fight to get back?” Let the answer emerge gradually, with kindness toward yourself in the process.

Remember that you’re not alone in this inquiry. Every human who has ever faced significant change has grappled with this same fundamental question. There’s both solace and strength in this shared human experience.

I’d love to continue supporting you through this exploration. Consider joining our community of fellow LifeQuake navigators by signing up for my weekly updates, LifeQuake Vignettes, where we dive deeper into the questions that matter most during life’s pivotal transitions.

Whatever you discover matters most to you—whether it’s connection, creativity, contribution, or something entirely personal—may it guide you like a north star through this transition and beyond.

What truly matters to you? I’m genuinely curious to hear.

References

A significant body of research in psychology and related fields addresses the question of what truly matters to us, often framed as the study of personal values, purpose, and meaning in life. Below are two notable articles from reputable journals:

• The review article “Personal values in human life” by Lilach Sagiv and colleagues provides a comprehensive overview of decades of research on personal values, which are defined as broad, desirable goals that serve as guiding principles in people’s lives. The article highlights that personal values are subjective but reliably predict attitudes, preferences, and behaviours across cultures. Values are shaped by both genetic and social influences and are central to understanding what individuals consider important and worthy. This review integrates findings from psychology, sociology, and management, emphasising that values are distinct from other constructs like traits or specific goals and are crucial for guiding life choices.
• The psychology of purpose is another major research area related to what truly matters. Purpose is described as a personally meaningful, self-endorsed aim that compels individuals to invest time and energy toward its pursuit. Research summarised in “The Psychology of Purpose” (John Templeton Foundation) explains that purposeful goals are intentionally selected and prioritised by what some researchers call the “motivational self.” Purposeful living is associated with higher well-being and often includes a desire to make a difference beyond oneself, reflecting a deep alignment with what matters most to the individual.