Understanding Mother Hunger: Identifying, Addressing, and Nurturing Your Emotional Needs

Mother Hunger: Walking the Camino de Santiago de Compostela can provide Answers to your Questions

A couple of my retreat guests this year, who came to my little farm here in the southwest of France, primarily to walk the Camino de Santiago, shared that they had been adopted. These precious women, all highly accomplished in their fields felt that even though they were adopted by caring couples, the yearning to be nurtured by their birthmother was never met, no matter how much they achieved in life.

We talked about Mother Hunger.

What is Mother Hunger?

Mother hunger is the deep, often unrecognised longing for nurturing, protection, support and guidance that a mother provides. It’s an intense craving for emotional connection, unconditional love, and safety never received during childhood. When these essential needs are unmet, we experience feelings of emptiness, insecurity, and longing that persist into adulthood, often till the end of our lives.

Mother Hunger can be broken down into three primary needs:

1. Nurturance: This is the need for physical affection and emotional support. Think of the comfort of being held, cuddled, and soothed. When a mother provides consistent nurturing, she instils a sense of security and self-worth in her child.
2. Protection: This refers to the sense of safety a mother provides, both physically and emotionally. It’s the feeling that someone is looking out for you, shielding you from harm, and offering you a safe haven from life’s storms.
3. Guidance: This is the need for a mother to teach, mentor, and guide. It’s about having someone to help you navigate life’s challenges, offer wisdom, and provide a moral compass.

Despite all their accomplishments; my guests, in their 50s, 60s and 70s still felt bereft. Their needs were inadequately met, their adopted mothers did not reassure them that they were wanted that they so desperately needed, and it led to a profound sense of loss and yearning that manifested in various ways throughout their lives.

The Impact of Mother Hunger

Mother hunger can affect us in numerous ways:

• Emotional Struggles: Feelings of sadness, emptiness, and of never being good enough, stemming from unmet maternal needs, can persist into adulthood. It can cause or worsen depression, anxiety and low self-esteem.
• Relationship Patterns: People with mother hunger might seek out relationships that mimic the dynamics they had with their mother, often unconsciously choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable or overly dependent.
• Self-Worth Issues: If you didn’t receive adequate nurturing, protection, or guidance, you might struggle with feelings of worthlessness or inadequacy. You might constantly seek external validation to fill the void left by unmet maternal needs.
• Attachment Challenges: Difficulty forming secure attachments in relationships can be a direct result of mother hunger. This can lead to fears of rejection, abandonment or difficulty trusting others.

Coping with Mother Hunger

My guests, yearning to get rid of this ever-present craving and start a new chapter in their lives first had to take on board that understanding mother hunger is a crucial step toward getting rid of it. Recognizing that these deep-seated needs for nurturance, protection, and guidance might not have been fully met allows us to compassionately address its impact on our lives. Addressing mother hunger involves a combination of self-care practices, emotional work, and seeking supportive relationships.

Sitting on the porch, watching the sun gloriously setting in a spectacular explosion of colour, we discussed the practices that they (and you too) might use:

1. Self-Nurturing Practices

• Practice Self-Compassion: Treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding you would offer your best friend. Recognise that it’s okay to have unmet needs and that you deserve to be nurtured without having to earn the right to it.
• Create a Comforting Routine: Establish daily rituals that provide comfort and consistency, such as a warm cup of coffee/tea in the morning, reading a book before bed, or taking a soothing herbal bath.
• Engage in Physical Self-Care: Activities like getting enough sleep, eating your favourite nourishing foods, and engaging in gentle exercise can help you feel cared for and nurtured.

2. Building Emotional Safety

• Set Healthy Boundaries: Learn to say no to things that drain your energy and yes to things that nourish your soul. Protect your emotional well-being by creating clear boundaries that prioritise your needs.
• Create a Safe Space: Designate a space in your home where you feel safe and at peace. Fill it with items that bring you comfort, such as soft blankets, calming scents, and personal mementoes.
• Mindfulness and Meditation: Practice mindfulness or meditation to create a sense of inner peace and safety. Techniques such as deep breathing, visualisation, or guided meditations can be particularly helpful. During our Manifest Your Next Chapter retreats, my Friesian horses will teach you how to do that.

3. Seeking Guidance and Mentorship

• Find a Mentor or Therapist: Seek out a therapist, role model or mentor who can provide guidance and support. Professional help can be invaluable in addressing deep-seated emotional needs.
• Join Support Groups: Connect with others who are on a similar journey. Support groups can provide a sense of belonging and shared understanding.
• Educate Yourself: Read books, attend workshops, and engage in learning that helps you understand your emotional needs and how to meet them.

4. Fostering Healthy Relationships

• Cultivate Supportive Friendships: Build relationships with people who are empathetic, supportive, and nurturing. Surround yourself with individuals who uplift and encourage you.
• Communicate Your Needs: Practice expressing your needs and desires in your relationships. Being open about what you need can help others understand how to support you better.
• Engage in Acts of Kindness: Giving and receiving kindness is an extremely effective way to fulfil emotional needs. Volunteer, help a friend, or simply perform random acts of kindness daily.

5. Engaging in Healing Activities

• Creative Expression: Use creative outlets such as writing, painting, or music to express and process your emotions.
• Journaling can make a huge difference. If you are not sure where to start, try one of these prompts
  1. Reflect on a nurturing memory from childhood. How did it make you feel? How can you recreate those feelings today?
  2. Write a letter to your inner child. Offer the love, guidance, and protection you needed and still need.
  3. List ten things you love about yourself. How can you celebrate these qualities?
  4. Describe a safe and comforting place. How can you bring elements of this place into your daily life?
  5. Imagine a conversation with a supportive mentor. What advice would she give you?

6. Affirmations to Address Mother Hunger

To help soothe the ache of mother hunger, affirmations can be a powerful tool. Here are a few examples, see if any of these inspire you:

1. “I am worthy of love and affection, just as I am.”
2. “I am safe, and I trust myself to create a secure environment.”
3. “I honour my needs and give myself permission to seek nurturing relationships.”
4. “I can be my own protector and guide.”
5. “I forgive my past and embrace my present with compassion.”
6. “I am complete and whole, even as I heal.”
7. “I deserve to feel secure and valued.”
8. “I nurture myself with kindness and understanding.”
9. “I release the past and step into my power.”
10. “I trust my inner wisdom to guide me.”

7. Journal Prompts to soothe Mother Hunger

1. Reflect on a time when you felt deeply cared for. What were the circumstances, and how did it make you feel? How can you recreate those feelings today? “How can I nurture myself in ways that make me feel loved and supported?”
2. Describe a moment when you felt unsafe or unprotected. How did this experience shape your perception of safety? What steps can you take now to create a sense of security for yourself? “What boundaries can I set to protect my emotional well-being?”
3. Write about a person who has provided guidance in your life. What qualities did they possess that made you feel supported? How can you embody those qualities for yourself? “What lessons have I learned from my mentors that I can apply to my life?”
4. List ten qualities you wish you had received more of from your mother. How can you cultivate these qualities within yourself? “What practices can I adopt to give myself the love and care I need?”
5. Imagine you are a mother to your inner child. What would you say and do to make your inner child feel loved and secure? “How can I consistently show up for myself in nurturing ways?”

Conclusion

Satisfying mother hunger involves nurturing yourself, creating emotional safety for yourself, seeking guidance, maintaining healthy relationships, and engaging in activities that fulfil your emotional needs. By taking these steps, you can begin to fill the void left by unmet maternal needs and create a life rich with love, security, and wisdom.

So, the next time you feel that deep, unnameable longing, remember: you have the power to mother yourself. Embrace the journey, laugh at the bumps along the way, and most importantly, give yourself the love and care you deserve.

And if you feel you need a break, away from all the hustle and bustle, come and recharge your batteries here in the sun-drenched southwest of France. Walk part of the Camino de Santiago de Compostela and spend a few days in the presence of my patient, understanding and supportive Friesian and Falabella horses – even if you don’t interact with them at all, just having them around is calming and comforting – on a Reinvent Yourself, ReWrite Your Story and Start Your Sensational Next Chapter retreat.

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