How to Find Solid Ground during a Life Quake
When life throws me in at the deep end — a major change, a sudden shift, an unexpected curveball – or all of these simultaneously – my first thought often is, ‘I can’t cope with this. This time, I’m going to drown.’ Well-meaning friends may say, “Just go with the flow” but this rarely feels practical in the thick of things. The RAIN method is a life-saver during times like these. It’s a grounding approach that helps you navigate change with awareness and a lot of self-compassion. Instead of being tossed around by emotional storms, like a ship that lost its anchor, this approach gives you tools to acknowledge, understand, and nurture yourself through life’s toughest transitions, or ‘life quakes’ as I’ve decided to call them.
What is the R.A.I.N. method?
R.A.I.N. is a mindfulness-based method designed to help us manage our emotions. The acronym stands for:
- Recognise: Acknowledge what is happening inside us, including our emotions, thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations.
- Allow: Accept these emotions as they are, without trying to change or avoid them. By allowing our feelings, we gain clarity about what’s driving our decisions.
- Investigate: Explore the emotions with curiosity and care, asking questions about what they might need or want. Investigating our fears allows us to identify specific concerns, enabling us to address them strategically.
- Nurture: This as about offering ourselves compassion and kindness, reminding ourselves that it’s okay to make mistakes and learn from them, and treating ourselves as we would a close friend who is going through something similar.
In her book, Radical Compassion, Tara Brach talks about R.A.I.N. as an easy-to-learn four-step technique that quickly loosens the suffocating grip of difficult emotions and limiting beliefs. Each step (Recognise, Allow, Investigate, Nurture) is brought to life by memorable stories shared by Tara and her students as they deal with overwhelming feelings. Tara’s structured approach is a particularly valuable tool during major life changes, as it provides a technique that helps us manage the complex emotions that often arise during life transitions.
During my From Troubled to Triumphant Transformational Retreats, the R.A.I.N method provides my guests with a practical framework to process their most challenging emotions. By recognising their feelings, allowing themselves to feel without judgment, investigating underlying beliefs and fears, and nurturing themselves with self-compassion, R.A.I.N helps them move from emotional overwhelm to a place of clarity and resilience. This approach empowers them to cope with whatever changes they need to, leaving them with a renewed sense of self and a life skill they can use during future life transitions.
How can the RAIN method support you through significant life changes?
Working through the steps below can make a life transition feel less threatening ( see examples of how to use this method during a divorce, a career change, a move to another city/country etc.) :
Recognise: Getting Clear on What’s Really Going On
The first step in the RAIN method is to recognise. This means tuning into what’s happening inside and identifying the specific emotions that are surfacing — be it anxiety, anger, fear, excitement, or even grief. You can use an emotion wheel to expand your emotional vocabulary (click on the link to download this resource.) Take a moment to acknowledge your thoughts and beliefs about the transition including any worries or expectations you might have. Notice, too, what’s going on in your body. Are you feeling tension, restlessness, or other sensations? Recognising what’s really going on helps you avoid feeling overwhelmed or disconnected from your experience.
Allowing: Making Room for the Messy Bits
The second RAIN step is to allow — not to pretend it’s easy, but to make space for it. Allowing means accepting that change, along with all the emotions it stirs up, is a part of life. It’s natural to feel resistant, but embracing this step can help you reduce the pushback, which only adds to the stress. Think of this as creating a no-judgment zone for every feeling you have, even the ones that seem to contradict each other. Allowing doesn’t mean you have to like what’s happening, but it can save you from wasting your energy in a battle against reality.
Investigating: Looking Deeper
Next comes investigation. This step is about uncovering the root causes behind your emotional responses. Are there old beliefs or fears lurking that might be shaping your reaction? Maybe you’ll discover something positive about this transition that’s been hiding in the background. By being curious, you’re not only learning more about the situation but also gaining new insights into yourself. Investigation can turn a bewildering change into an opportunity to understand, adjust, and maybe even find a silver lining.
Nurturing: Caring for Yourself Through Change
Finally, there’s the nurturing step, the part where you get to treat yourself with compassion. Big changes can be tough, and nurturing yourself allows you to acknowledge that truth. Start by asking what you need to feel more supported or stable. By tending to yourself with patience, you can find moments of calm and even a touch of comfort in the middle of all the chaos. Nurturing isn’t just about surviving the shift; it’s about giving yourself the care and support you’d offer a friend in the same situation.
Applying the RAIN method to your experiences during a major life change makes it a bit easier to cope with the transition. This technique helps you stay grounded in the present moment while processing the complex emotions that often accompany significant life changes.
Major life changes can be overwhelming, and it’s okay to seek additional support from friends, family, or professionals as you go through this transition. The RAIN technique can be a valuable tool in your emotional toolkit, complementing other forms of support and self-care during this time.
Examples of how you can apply the RAIN technique during specific major life changes:
Example 1: Moving to a New City
- Recognise: You notice feelings of excitement mixed with anxiety. Thoughts like “What if I don’t make friends?” arise. You feel butterflies in your stomach.
- Allow: You acknowledge these feelings are normal for a big move. You let yourself feel both the excitement and the nervousness without trying to push either away.
- Investigate: You explore the anxiety and realise it stems from past experiences of feeling lonely in new situations. You also recognise the excitement comes from opportunities for growth and new experiences.
- Nurture: You remind yourself of past successes in adapting to new environments. You might say to yourself, “It’s okay to feel nervous. I know that I’m capable of making new connections and creating a home here.”
Example 2: Career Change
- Recognise: You identify feelings of fear and self-doubt. Thoughts like “Am I making a mistake here?” surface. You notice tension in your shoulders.
- Allow: You accept that it’s normal to feel uncertain about a big career shift. You let the fear and doubt be present without trying to argue them away.
- Investigate: Exploring deeper, you realize the fear is connected to financial security concerns. The self-doubt relates to imposter syndrome in your new field.
- Nurture: You reassure yourself: “It’s brave to make this change. I have valuable skills to offer, and I can learn what I don’t know yet. I’m taking steps to ensure my financial stability during this transition.”
Example 3: Going Through a Divorce
- Recognise: You notice feelings of grief, anger, and relief. Thoughts about failure and future loneliness arise. You feel a heaviness in your chest.
- Allow: You acknowledge that divorce brings a complex mix of emotions. You allow yourself to feel the full range without judging yourself for any of them.
- Investigate: Exploring further, you realize the grief is not just for the relationship, but for the future you had imagined. The anger relates to unmet needs in the relationship. The relief comes from ending a situation that wasn’t serving you.
- Nurture: You offer yourself compassion: “This is a difficult time, and it’s okay to have mixed feelings. I’m doing the best I can to take care of myself and move forward. I am worthy of love and happiness.”
Example 4: Becoming a Parent
- Recognise: You notice feelings of joy, overwhelm, and fear. Thoughts like “Will I be a good parent?” come up. You feel a mix of excitement and fatigue in your body.
- Allow: You accept that becoming a parent brings a wide range of emotions. You let yourself feel the joy alongside the worry without trying to only focus on the positive.
- Investigate: Digging deeper, you realize the fear stems from your own childhood experiences. The overwhelm relates to the significant life change and new responsibilities.
- Nurture: You comfort yourself: “It’s natural to feel both excited and scared. I’m learning and growing into this new role. I have support and resources to help me, and it’s okay to take it one day at a time.”
Example 5: Starting a Business
- Recognise: You notice feelings of excitement, fear, and self-doubt. Thoughts like “What if I fail?” and “Am I ready for this?” come to mind. You feel a mix of energy and tension in your body.
- Allow: You acknowledge that it’s normal to feel a combination of excitement and fear when embarking on a new venture. You allow yourself to experience these emotions without trying to suppress or ignore them.
- Investigate: As you explore these feelings, you realize that the fear of failure stems from past experiences where things didn’t go as planned. The excitement is tied to your passion for your business idea and the potential for independence and creativity.
- Nurture: You offer yourself reassurance: “Starting a business is a brave step, and it’s okay to feel uncertain. I have skills and resources that can help me succeed. It’s natural to face challenges, but I can learn and adapt along the way.”
What makes the RAIN method difficult to use?
When you start to use the RAIN technique, you may encounter several challenges. One of the main difficulties is actually recognising your emotions. Many people struggle with this first step – identifying what they’re feeling, often due to a lack of emotional vocabulary, a tendency to intellectualise rather than feel emotions, or difficulty distinguishing between thoughts and feelings. To overcome this, it can be helpful to practice mindfulness regularly and use an emotion wheel to expand your emotional vocabulary.
Another significant challenge is resistance to allowing. The “Allow” step can be particularly difficult due to the strong urge to fix, change, or avoid uncomfortable emotions. You may judge yourself for having certain feelings or fear that allowing an emotion will make it overwhelming or permanent. It’s important to remember that allowing doesn’t mean liking or agreeing with the emotion; it’s simply creating space for it to exist.
Impatience with the process is also common. The RAIN technique takes time and practice to master, and many people expect immediate results or relief. You may rush through the steps without fully engaging or give up if it doesn’t work right away.
The “Nurture” step can be challenging for those not used to self-compassion. You may feel undeserving of self-compassion, experience discomfort with directing kindness towards yourself, or mistake self-compassion for self-pity or self-indulgence. Starting small with self-compassion activities and remembering that it’s a skill that can be developed can help overcome this hurdle.
During the “Investigate” step, overanalysing can be a common pitfall. You might get caught in a loop of mental analysis, lose touch with bodily sensations, or judge and criticise what you discover. To address this, it’s important to focus on staying connected to your body and approaching the investigation with curiosity rather than judgment.
The final step of non-identification can be conceptually challenging for many. You may struggle to separate yourself from your emotions or thoughts, feel that non-identification means detachment or apathy, or have difficulty understanding what “natural awareness” feels like. This step often becomes easier with practice. Non-identification doesn’t mean not caring, but rather not being completely defined by or caught up in the experience.
Being aware of these common challenges, helps you to approach the RAIN technique with more patience and insight. Remember that like any skill, it takes time and practice to become proficient. Be gentle with yourself as you learn and grow through the process.
“A pause is a suspension of activity, a time of temporary disengagement when we are no longer moving toward any goal. . . . The pause can occur in the midst of almost any activity and can last for an instant, for hours or for seasons of our life. . . . We may pause in the midst of meditation to let go of thoughts and reawaken our attention to the breath. We may pause by stepping out of daily life to go on a retreat or to spend time in nature or to take a sabbatical. . . . You might try it now: Stop reading and sit there, doing “no thing,” and simply notice what you are experiencing.” — Tara Brach
In addition to the transformational retreats that I host at my little French farm near Bordeaux, I have also created a couple of online courses, ex. Break Free from Uncertainty and Get Going in a New Direction – each course is available with or without one-to-one coaching. To receive notification of last-minute and early-bird specials on all of the above, I invite you to subscribe to my Savoir Vivre Vignettes newsletter which gives immediate access to my free How to Survive a Life Quake e-course.
Research?
While the RAIN method is widely used and recommended by many mental health professionals, there has been limited formal research specifically on its efficacy. While not a substitute for empirical research, it’s worth noting that the RAIN technique has been endorsed and promoted by respected psychologists and mindfulness experts like Tara Brach and Michele McDonald.
Despite its popularity and theoretical grounding, there is a clear need for more rigorous, controlled studies specifically examining the efficacy of RAIN as a complete technique. Such research could help establish its effectiveness compared to other interventions and identify for whom it might be most beneficial.
While the individual components of RAIN are supported by research, and there is significant anecdotal evidence for its effectiveness, more dedicated studies on the technique as a whole would be valuable to fully understand its impact and potential applications in mental health treatment.