burnout - Dr Margaretha Montagu

22/11/202422/11/2024

Understanding Empathy Burnout and How to Recognise It in Yourself

When Helping Hurts

Lise came to a From Troubled to Triumphant Transformational Retreat at the beginning of autumn as a last-minute booking. She said she was going through a “career change” life transition. She couldn’t cope with her job as a doctor anymore, but she had no clue what she wanted to do next. Right from the start, something felt off. It wasn’t that I didn’t understand her plight, after all, I had been in the exact same place myself more than a decade ago. During the retreat, her actual problem gradually reared its head.

Lise’s Story: The Unbearable Weight of Caring

Lise sat in her small, tidy office at the clinic, staring blankly at her computer screen. The cursor blinked steadily, waiting for her to type up the notes for her last patient. But her fingers hovered over the keyboard, unmoving. She couldn’t find the words—or the energy—to continue. The sound of muffled voices in the waiting room seeped through the walls, a constant reminder that more people needed her.

Her workday had started twelve hours ago, and she had seen 27 patients. Each one had brought her their pain, their struggles, and their fears. And she had listened, as she always did, offering reassurances, treatments, and sometimes just a shoulder to lean on. She loved her work—or at least she used to. Being a general practitioner was more than a job for Lise; it was her calling. But recently, something had shifted.

Ground Hog Day

That morning had been no different from any other, or so it seemed. Her first patient, an elderly man named Louis, came in with chronic back pain. As Lise examined him, he spoke about his wife’s declining health and the burden of being her sole caregiver. His voice cracked as he admitted he hadn’t slept well in months. Lise felt the familiar ache of understanding in her chest. She offered him a referral to a physical therapist and gently suggested he seek respite care for his wife.

The next patient was a young mother, Amélie, who brought in her toddler with a persistent cough. Amélie looked frazzled, her eyes rimmed with dark circles. Between checking the child’s breathing and writing a prescription for antibiotics, Lise found herself listening to Amélie’s worries about balancing work and motherhood. “I don’t know how you manage it all,” Amélie said with a weak smile. Lise didn’t answer. She wasn’t sure how she managed it, either.

By the time Lise reached her lunch break—if you could call the ten-minute gap between patients a “break”—she realised she hadn’t eaten breakfast. She grabbed a granola bar from her desk drawer and took a deep breath. It didn’t help.

The First Ominous Signs

For weeks, Lise had been feeling a debilitating fatigue. It wasn’t the kind of tiredness that a good night’s sleep could fix. It was deeper, heavier, as though her very soul was weary. She had started to dread coming to work, something she never imagined would happen. The sight of her packed schedule filled her with a sense of dread.

But the worst part was the emotional numbness. Lise, who had always prided herself on her ability to connect with her patients, found herself tuning out during consultations. When a patient began to cry, her instinct was no longer to comfort them but to mentally check out.

At first, she chalked it up to being overworked. After all, healthcare was a demanding field, and everyone felt overwhelmed sometimes. But this was different. It wasn’t just exhaustion; it was detachment.

Lisa’s Final Breaking Point

Lise’s breaking point came on a rainy Thursday afternoon. Her patient was a teenager named Juliette, who had been struggling with anxiety and self-harm. Juliette’s mother sat beside her, tears streaming down her face as she described finding the scars on her daughter’s arms. Normally, Lise would have felt a wave of compassion and determination to help. But as she listened, all she felt was a hollow emptiness. She nodded at the right moments, prescribed therapy, and scheduled a follow-up. But inside, she felt nothing.

When the appointment ended and Juliette left the room, Lise stayed behind, frozen in her chair. She stared at the clock on the wall, her hands trembling. How had she gotten to this point? How could she care so much and yet feel so little?

Enter Empathy Burnout

During the retreat, Lise confided. “I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” she said, her voice barely above a whisper. “I feel like I’m failing everyone. My patients, myself… even my partner.”

The other retreat guests and I reassured her. “You’re not failing, Lise. You’re just human. You’ve been carrying too much for too long.”

I also told her that I didn’t think that she was going through a life transition, but that I thought she was suffering from empathy burnout. I explained that empathy burnout, or compassion fatigue, was a state of emotional exhaustion resulting from excessive emotional demands. It wasn’t just physical tiredness; it was the toll of constantly absorbing other people’s pain. Caregivers, healthcare workers, and anyone in the helping professions were especially vulnerable. The symptoms matched hers: emotional numbness, irritability, reduced empathy, and a sense of detachment.

Drafting Her Map to Recovery

Recognising the problem was the first step. But solving it required more than acknowledgement. Lise knew she needed to make changes when she got back—not just for herself, but for her patients.

We talked about starting small. Instead of skipping lunch, she decided she was going to step outside the clinic, even if just for 15 minutes, to eat a homemade sandwich and breathe fresh air. She would practise mindfulness, the way the horses’ taught her during the retreat, setting aside ten minutes each morning to meditate. At first, it might feel forced, but I was sure, over time, it would become a moment of calm she looked forward to.

One of the hardest tasks she set herself was learning to set boundaries. Lise had always been the doctor who went above and beyond, but she realised she couldn’t pour from an empty cup. She decided to delegate some of her work to her clinical staff, whenever appropriate. She also began seeing a supervising therapist, someone she could talk to without fear of judgement.

Reconnecting with Her “Why”

Back home, Lise implemented her plan. She soon started to notice subtle changes. She began to feel lighter, more present. The numbness gradually gave way to genuine care. One day, a patient thanked her for her kindness during a difficult diagnosis, and for the first time in a long time, Lise felt the warmth of being appreciated for her work again.

She reminded herself why she had become a doctor in the first place: to help people heal, both physically and emotionally.

It took time for Lise to get back on track; empathy burnout wasn’t something you can heal from overnight. But it taught her a valuable lesson: caring for others starts with caring for yourself. She learned that empathy, while a beautiful and necessary part of her work, had to be balanced with boundaries and self-compassion.

The Definition of Empathy Burnout

Empathy burnout, also known as “compassion fatigue,” is a state of emotional and physical exhaustion that occurs when someone has been giving a great deal of empathy or support to others over an extended period. This condition is common among professionals in caregiving roles—like healthcare workers, therapists, and counsellors—as well as individuals who provide ongoing support to friends or family members in need. When someone constantly listens to others’ pain, absorbs emotional burdens, or provides support, it can lead to an overwhelming sense of fatigue, detachment, and even helplessness.

What’s the difference between Stress and Empathy Burnout?

Stress is a response to external pressures and can affect anyone, regardless of their emotional involvement with others. Empathy burnout, however, specifically stems from prolonged emotional engagement with others’ pain or struggles. While stress might ebb and flow, empathy burnout is more pervasive and tied to emotional exhaustion.

How do I know it’s Empathy Burnout and not just Tiredness?

Empathy burnout goes beyond physical tiredness. It’s characterized by emotional and psychological fatigue, such as feeling overwhelmed by others’ needs or emotionally drained after interactions. Unlike regular tiredness, rest alone may not improve your energy or mood.

Key Signs

Emotional Exhaustion: Feeling drained, short-tempered, or emotionally distant from others.
Reduced Empathy: Struggling to feel compassionate or sensitive to others’ struggles, even if you genuinely care.
Mental and Physical Fatigue: Experiencing persistent tiredness, headaches, disturbed sleep, and a weakened immune system.
Cynicism or Apathy: Feeling jaded or indifferent toward people who need support.
Increased Stress and Anxiety: This can lead to feelings of frustration, irritation and even resentment.

Causes

Empathy burnout arises when there’s a lack of balance between giving and receiving emotional support. Without time for self-care, boundary-setting, or recovery, this imbalance can easily become overwhelming. Factors like high emotional investment, limited support systems, and ongoing exposure to difficult emotions contribute to burnout.

Preventing and Managing Empathy Burnout

Set Boundaries: Protect your time and energy by establishing clear boundaries.
Practice Self-Care: Engage in activities that rejuvenate you—like rest, exercise, mindfulness, creative hobbies, and socialising with supportive friends.
Seek Support: Finding a mentor, coach, or peer group can be invaluable.
Regular Downtime: Take regular breaks from caregiving roles to recharge your batteries.
Consider Professional Help: If empathy burnout is severe, consulting a mental health professional can provide support and strategies to recover.

In the context of a life transition, empathy burnout may be a significant challenge, especially for those who frequently give emotional support to others while navigating their own changes.

The Difference Between a Life Transition and Empathy Burnout

A life transition is a significant change or shift in one’s personal or professional life that disrupts the normal flow of daily living. Examples include career changes, moving to a new place, divorce, retirement, or losing a loved one. Life transitions often involve a mix of emotions, such as excitement, fear, grief, or uncertainty, as individuals adjust to a new reality. These transitions are a natural part of life and, though challenging, they can lead to new insights and new opportunities.

On the other hand, empathy burnout—or compassion fatigue—is a state of emotional exhaustion that arises from repeatedly absorbing the stress, pain, or struggles of others. It is common among caregivers, healthcare workers, and anyone in emotionally demanding roles. Unlike life transitions, empathy burnout stems from giving too much emotional energy to others without adequate self-care or boundaries. It can lead to feelings of numbness, detachment, and even resentment toward those seeking support.

The key difference lies in origin and focus:

Life transitions are external changes that affect an individual’s circumstances and require them to adapt. The focus is on navigating their own emotional and practical needs.
Empathy burnout is an internal condition caused by overextending emotional energy toward others, leaving little room for self-replenishment.

Both can be draining, but while life transitions often involve rebuilding or starting anew, empathy burnout requires recognizing the imbalance in giving and receiving support, then implementing self-care strategies to recover emotional resilience.

Empathy Burnout Self-Assessment FAQ

1. Do you feel emotionally numb or disconnected when others share their problems?

Signs to watch for:

Finding yourself unable to react emotionally to others’ distress
Catching yourself thinking “I don’t care anymore” when hearing about others’ struggles
Feeling irritated or frustrated when people seek emotional support
Having a harder time remembering details of others’ problems or situations

Why this matters: Emotional numbness is often one of the first signs of empathy burnout. It’s your mind’s way of protecting itself from emotional overload.

2. Have you noticed changes in your sleep patterns or physical well-being?

Signs to watch for:

Difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep
Feeling exhausted even after adequate rest
Experiencing headaches, digestive issues, or tension more frequently
Having less energy for daily activities
Increased susceptibility to illness

Why this matters: Empathy burnout often manifests physically before we recognize it emotionally.

3. Are you finding it harder to maintain boundaries between your personal life and others’ needs?

Signs to watch for:

Thinking about others’ problems during your personal time
Feeling guilty when you’re not available to help
Difficulty saying “no” to requests for support
Neglecting your own needs to attend to others
Bringing work or others’ problems home with you

Why this matters: Healthy boundaries are essential for sustainable empathy. Their erosion often indicates burnout.

4. Do you find yourself avoiding certain people or situations?

Signs to watch for:

Hesitating to answer calls or messages from people who might need support
Making excuses to avoid social situations
Procrastinating on tasks that involve emotional labour
Feeling dread when faced with others’ emotional needs
Withdrawing from relationships or social activities

Why this matters: Avoidance behaviours often develop as a coping mechanism when our emotional resources are depleted.

5. Has your worldview or self-image changed recently?

Signs to watch for:

Increased cynicism about human nature
Feeling helpless about making a difference
Questioning your competence or effectiveness
Loss of faith in people’s ability to solve their problems
Decreased sense of personal accomplishment
Feeling disconnected from your values or purpose

Why this matters: Changes in core beliefs and self-perception often indicate that empathy burnout is affecting your fundamental worldview.

Note: If you answered “yes” to three or more of these questions and have been experiencing these symptoms for more than two weeks, you may be experiencing empathy burnout. Consider seeking support from a mental health professional who can help you develop strategies for recovery and resilience. – or attend a From Troubled to Triumphant Transformational Retreat in the sun-blessed southwest of France.

Hit the pause button and regain your footing during a From Troubled to Triumphant Retreat. Imagine walking a peaceful stretch of the Camino de Santiago, where every step helps untangle the mental clutter or spending time with gentle Friesian horses who teach you the art of mindfulness. Whether you choose to make a change or are forced to, this retreat offers the perfect blend of peace, perspective, and playful exploration to help you rise from troubled to triumphant!

Author Bio: Dr Margaretha Montagu – described as a “game changer”, “gifted healer”, “guiding light” and “life-enriching author” – is an experienced medical doctor, a certified NLP practitioner, a medical hypnotherapist, an equine-assisted psychotherapist (EAGALAcertified) and a transformational retreat leader who guides her clients through life transitions – virtually, or with the assistance of her Friesian and Falabella horses, at their home in the southwest of France.

11/10/202411/10/2024

Upgrade Your Life Skills before You Make A Major Life Change

Imagine this: you’ve finally mustered the courage to quit the job that’s been slowly suffocating your soul, or you’re ready to leave behind a life that no longer feels worth living. The excitement of a fresh start propels you forward—until reality hits.

Suddenly, you’re knee-deep in challenges you never saw coming: financial setbacks, unexpected roadblocks, and decisions that leave you second-guessing every choice, every decision. This is where so many of our dreams crumble—not because of a lack of courage, but because the problems are different, and your old ways of solving them no longer work.

Major life changes aren’t just about leaping off a cliff and hoping you’ll grow wings on the way down; they’re about being ready to overcome unexpected mind-numbing obstacles. Updating your life skills before you leap will ensure that you are prepared for whatever lies ahead—and that can make all the difference between thriving in your next chapter or having to crawl back to the one you so desperately wanted to escape.

Helping people through life transitions is what I do. You know those big, messy life changes that feel like they’re out to get you? Like quitting your job to search for something better? We all go through them—over and over—until we finally register the lessons they’re trying to teach us (or at least stop shaking our fists at the sky).

Trust me, I get how tough these transitions can be, both in life and work. The uncertainty, the insecurity, the “let’s overthink every possible outcome” phase—I’ve been there. In the last 30 years, I’ve survived 45 life transitions (yep, 45—sometimes several at once, because, why not?). It never gets easier, but I’ve definitely gotten better at catching life’s curveballs—and learning my life lessons a little faster each time, thanks to my rock-solid support team: my horses.

I want to share what I’ve discovered with you, so you can get through your own life transitions with less panic and a lot more pizazz.

What’s a life transition, you ask? Oh, just the small stuff—like switching careers, starting a business, moving to another country, divorce, loss of a loved one, empty nests, illness, retirement… You know, the usual disasters that show up at regular intervals whether we’re ready or not.

Take Sophie, for example. She came to one of my Your Sensational Next Chapter retreats a couple of years ago.

Sophie, who had recently started a new life in France, chats to her friend Irene in London:

“Honestly, improving how you tackle problems is such a game-changer. There are a bunch of things you can do to get better at it. First off, you’ve gotta have a growth mindset. Like, instead of seeing challenges as roadblocks, think of them as chances to learn. And when you screw up? No biggie. Just figure out what went wrong and use that to improve next time. It’s all about keeping at it, even when things get tough.

Another thing that really helps is breaking the problem down into smaller pieces. When you look at it as a whole, it can feel overwhelming, but if you tackle one part at a time, it becomes way more manageable. Plus, start with the most urgent or impactful bits first—don’t try to fix everything at once.

Also, don’t be afraid to think outside the box. Sometimes the obvious solution isn’t the best one, so try looking at the problem from a totally different angle. Ever used examples or ideas from other areas of life? That kind of lateral thinking can spark some creative solutions you wouldn’t normally think of.

And, hey, get analytical. Gather all the info, weigh the pros and cons, and then connect the dots logically. It’s like being a detective—you’ve gotta follow the clues and let the data guide you.

One of the best things you can do is talk it out with other people. Sometimes, just hearing how someone else would approach it gives you a fresh perspective. Plus, if someone else has been through something similar, why not learn from their experience instead of figuring it out the hard way?

Oh, and if you’re feeling stuck, try using structured methods like mind mapping or a SWOT analysis. Those tools help you organise your thoughts and see the problem more clearly. There’s also Root Cause Analysis—basically, asking ‘why’ five times until you get to the real issue. It’s surprisingly effective.

Staying calm is super important, too. You don’t want to make decisions when you’re stressed out or emotional, so take a breather when you need it. Sometimes stepping back helps you see things more objectively.

Also, critical thinking is key. Ask yourself, ‘Why is this happening?’ or ‘What if we did it this way instead?’ And don’t just accept things at face value—challenge your assumptions. It’s like you’re keeping your brain flexible and open to new possibilities.

And hey, looking back on how you handled past problems is a great way to learn. Figure out what worked, and what didn’t, and if something keeps coming up, document the solution so you’re not reinventing the wheel every time.

Last but not least, practice. Do puzzles, tackle challenges at work, whatever it is—just keep exercising that problem-solving muscle. The more you do it, the better you’ll get at handling anything life throws at you.”

Excellent advice, but how did Sophie get so good at handling life crises?

Not so very long ago, Sophie was sitting in her office, staring out of the window, the grey London skyline mirroring her mood. She had spent the last ten years climbing the corporate ladder, only to find herself in a job she despised. The endless spreadsheets, interminable meetings, and office politics left her feeling tired and trapped. Each day dragged into the next, a monotonous loop of emails, phone calls and deadlines, with no sense of purpose.

One evening, after another exhausting day, Sophie found herself scrolling through travel blogs, imagining an entirely different life. She stumbled upon an article about a couple who had left their stressful city jobs to open a small bed-and-breakfast in the French countryside. They described the scent of lavender drifting through the air, and evenings spent chatting with guests over glasses of local wine. Something stirred inside Sophie.

“Why not me?” she had thought.

The idea seemed outrageous at first, but it wouldn’t let go. Over the next few weeks, Sophie quietly began planning her escape. She loved the idea of running a bed-and-breakfast, meeting new people, and immersing herself in the French way of life. The very thought of it filled her with hope.

By the end of that year, Sophie had quit her job, sold her apartment, and moved to a quaint village in the southwest of France. She bought an old stone farmhouse with the perfect charm for a bed-and-breakfast, surrounded by vineyards and sunflower fields. But as she stood in her new home, the excitement quickly faded, replaced by a sinking realisation: running a business was far more complicated than she had imagined.

Sophie’s problem-solving skills, which had been perfectly adequate for dealing with office issues, now seemed laughably inadequate. Fixing a Wi-Fi outage or managing a team of accountants hadn’t prepared her for the chaos that came with a leaky roof, finicky plumbing, and juggling a fluctuating guest list. She needed a new approach.

Lesson 1: Breaking Problems Down

Her first task was to tackle the farmhouse’s endless repairs. The roof leaked, the pipes groaned, and the heating system was as temperamental as the French weather. Feeling overwhelmed, Sophie remembered a piece of advice she had once heard about breaking problems down into smaller, manageable tasks.

Instead of panicking over the entire house, she made a list of each issue and prioritised them one by one. The roof came first. She contacted local tradespeople, asked for quotes, and learned to navigate French bureaucracy to get building permits. By focusing on one issue at a time, she managed to get things done.

Step 2: Thinking Outside the Box

When it came to marketing her bed-and-breakfast, Sophie hit another wall. She wasn’t attracting enough guests to make the business sustainable. She tried the traditional methods—listing on travel websites, offering discounts, and posting photos on social media—but the bookings were few and far in between.

Sophie decided to think outside the box. Instead of marketing her B&B to everyone, she focused on a niche: travellers seeking a quiet retreat in the countryside where they can recharge their batteries far from the maddening crowds. By offering a unique experience, Sophie’s B&B began to attract guests who were looking for more than just a place to sleep—they were looking for rest and renewal.

Step 3: Collaboration and Asking for Help

Running the B&B solo was exhausting. Sophie had underestimated how much work it would be, cleaning rooms, managing bookings and making breakfast every morning. For months, she stubbornly tried to handle everything herself, but it left her completely exhausted.

Eventually, she realised she needed help. She reached out to local business owners, like the nearby vineyard and cheese farm, to form partnerships. In exchange for recommending each other’s services, they shared responsibilities and helped promote each other. Sophie also hired a part-time assistant to handle the day-to-day tasks, allowing her to focus on growing the business. The collaboration not only lightened her workload but also expanded her network and gave her fresh ideas.

Step 4: Learning from Mistakes

Sophie’s first summer season was far from perfect. She double-booked rooms, mismanaged finances, and even managed to burn breakfast for a full house of guests one morning. But each mistake taught her something new.

She began reflecting on what went wrong after each hiccup and adjusted her routine. For double bookings, she upgraded her online reservation system. For finances, she took a basic accounting course and set clear budgets. And for breakfast, well, she learned not to leave the croissants in the oven while chatting with guests.

Step 5: Staying Calm and Adapting

Perhaps the most important skill Sophie developed was learning to stay calm in the face of challenges. In her old corporate life, problems often felt like the end of the world. But now, she realised that every problem had a solution—it just required patience and creative thinking.

Whenever something went wrong, she took a breath, assessed the situation, and found a way forward. Over time, her ability to solve problems became sharper, more intuitive, and more innovative. She adapted to the unpredictability of running a business, learning to expect the unexpected.

The New Sophie

A couple of years later, we stood on the terrace of Sophie’s B&B, not that far from my little farmhouse here in the southwest of France, watching the sunset over the vineyards. Her guests were chatting away around her table, enjoying the dinner she had prepared for them with fresh local ingredients. Sophie’s journey hadn’t been easy, but she had managed to transform from someone stuck in a job she hated to a confident business owner who knew how to handle whatever came her way.

If you have a dream like Sophie’s, I would very much like to help you make it a reality.

Dr Margaretha Montagu (MBChB, MRCGP, NLP master Pract cert, Transformational Life Coach dip, Counselling cert, Med Hyp Dip and EAGALA cert)

Are you resilient enough to make as big a change as Sophie did? Take the Quiz.

In addition to the transformational retreats that I host at my little French farm near Bordeaux, I have also created a couple of online courses, ex. The Purpose Protocols – each course is available with or without one-to-one coaching. To receive notification of last-minute and early-bird specials on all of the above, I invite you to subscribe to my newsletter which gives immediate access to my free Ready for a Radical Renaissance? Quiz.

06/10/202407/10/2024

How To Avoid Expat Burnout When You Relocate To A New Country to Advance Your Career

The thrill of exploring uncharted territory, soaking up new cultures, and starting fresh is intoxicating—but let’s be real, it can also feel like riding a rollercoaster without a seatbelt. The emotional highs are exhilarating, but the lows? They can knock the wind right out of you. When relocating to a new country, a challenging life transition, expat burnout appears to be significantly more severe than regular burnout experienced by non-expatriate employees.

• 54% suffer from insomnia
• 53% report a loss of interest in usual activities
• 51% have difficulty concentrating
• 48% experience feelings of worthlessness
• 48% report a loss of self-confidence
• 37% report appetite or eating disorders

From the Expat Insider Survey by InterNations: Annual survey conducted by InterNations, the world’s largest expat network with over 4 million members Latest edition: 2023, surveying 12,065 expats representing 177 nationalities in 181 countries

Thirty years ago, I moved 11 000kms away from everything and everyone I knew, to a new country, a new language, a new culture, and a new job.

For years I dreamt of adventure, of the limitless opportunities and possibilities that moving to a different country could offer. But the reality was far from the romantic experience I’d imagined. Everyone talks about the thrill of moving to a new country, but no one warns you about the hollow ache when you realise you’ve got to make this work, on your own.

For the first few years, every conversation felt like being a guest at someone else’s dinner party, smiling at jokes I didn’t understand. There were moments I’d stand in a crowded room and feel like a ghost—there, but not there. Invisible.

Thirty years later, I look back with wonder at my younger self—the young woman who persevered and fought to prove everyone wrong who was convinced she’d never make it. I did make it, but I learned a lot about burnout along the way and the ghost of my old insecure self still hovers at the edges of my consciousness.

If you are moving to a new country and are determined to avoid expat burnout, you need to know what triggers it:

1. The Often Overwhelming Cultural Adjustment Needed
Adapting to a new culture often presents a significant challenge. Beyond learning a new language, you must navigate unfamiliar social norms, customs, and daily routines. Simple tasks, like grocery shopping or stopping for a coffee with a new friend, can become sources of stress. Dietary changes and even the unspoken rules of communication can amplify this tension. This constant need to adjust can leave you feeling overwhelmed, creating a sense of cultural dissonance that quickly leads to burnout.

2. The Debilitating Work-Related Pressures
Many expatriates relocate for career opportunities, but these opportunities often come with added pressures. Working in a foreign setting can mean facing high expectations from both home and host organisations, unclear job roles, and an increased sense of responsibility to remain as productive as before your move. The pressure to excel in an unfamiliar environment can exacerbate stress, particularly when you struggle to balance the demands of work with the challenges of settling into a new country.

3. The Paralising Isolation and Numbing Homesickness
Being far from family, friends, and familiar surroundings can leave you feeling isolated. The lack of a close support network in a foreign country often leads to feelings of loneliness, intensifying homesickness. This emotional disconnect can induce burnout, as you might struggle to find new support systems while also maintaining relationships back home.

4. The Constant Need To Adapt
Life abroad is not just about adjusting once—it’s an ongoing process. From navigating new bureaucracy to understanding the healthcare system and tax laws, you face continuous challenges that can become exhausting. Everyday activities, like managing finances or simply getting from point A to point B, can feel more complex than they were in your home country, leading to emotional exhaustion.

5. Your Own Unrealistic Expectations
High-achieving expats may set lofty goals for themselves in terms of how quickly they integrate into the new culture or succeed professionally. This can create unrealistic expectations, leaving little room for the natural challenges that come with cultural adaptation. When expectations don’t align with reality, feelings of failure and frustration can arise, further fueling burnout.

Take the Quiz: To find out if you are resilient enough to avoid burnout Click Here

“Relocating to Germany with my family seemed like a dream come true, but the reality hit hard. While I was dealing with a demanding new job, my wife was struggling to find work, and our kids were having trouble adjusting at school. The stress was overwhelming, and I felt like I was failing everyone. A colleague recommended a course on expat resilience, which was a game-changer. It taught me how to manage expectations, both my own and my family’s. We started exploring our new city together on weekends, making it an adventure rather than a chore. It took time, but we’ve built a wonderful life here. My advice? Be patient with yourself and your loved ones during the transition.” Carlos R., 42, Marketing Executive

If you have moved to a new country and are experiencing symptoms of burnout, you need to know how to address it:

1. Identify the Root Cause
The first step to addressing burnout is understanding what’s causing it. This may require deep reflection to pinpoint what specifically stresses you, whether it stems from cultural adjustment, work pressure, or feelings of isolation. Gaining clarity can help you find appropriate solutions.

2. Prioritise Self-Care
Physical health directly influences mental well-being, making an efficient self-care routine essential. You really should at least prioritise exercise, eat a balanced diet, and get sufficient rest. Incorporating mindfulness practices, such as meditation, can also help manage stress and provide a sense of grounding amid the chaos of relocation to a new country.

3. Seek Social Support
Forming a strong social network in the host country is crucial. Connecting with fellow expats through online forums or local meet-ups can be your lifeline. Join natives in local groups – whether it’s a yoga class, a trivia night, or a cooking group—find activities that bring you joy and help you make new friends. Shared interests = instant conversation starters. Volunteer. Volunteering isn’t just about giving back—it’s a great way to meet people and feel connected to your new community. Maintaining contact with family and friends back home is important, but it’s equally vital to cultivate meaningful relationships locally, allowing you to feel more integrated into your new environment.

4. Explore Your New Home
One of the most effective ways to combat the stresses of relocation is to embrace your new environment. Make time to explore your new surroundings—whether through sightseeing, trying local cuisine, or engaging in cultural activities. This can create a sense of excitement and discovery, by replacing anxiety with curiosity.

5. Keep Your Expectations Realistic
It’s essential to recognise that adjusting to a new culture takes time. Instead of setting unrealistic expectations for rapid cultural immersion or immediate professional success, you should give yourself permission to learn and grow at a manageable pace. This mindset shift can reduce some of the pressure you place on yourself.

6. Maintain a Healthy Work-Life Balance
Creating boundaries between work and your personal life is critical. Flexible work arrangements or setting clear limits on working hours can prevent job stress from overwhelming other aspects of life. Finding time for hobbies, relaxation, and personal exploration can help ensure a balanced lifestyle.

7. Seek Professional Help When Necessary
When the stress becomes unmanageable, seeking professional support can be invaluable. Many expats benefit from working with mental health professionals who understand the unique challenges of living abroad. Specialised counselling services tailored for expats can provide strategies for managing stress and navigating the emotional complexities of relocation.

8. Stay Positive
Surrounding yourself with positive, supportive people can make a huge difference. Whether these are friends, coworkers, or fellow expats, having a community of people who lift your spirits and encourage a positive outlook can help you reframe challenges as growth opportunities.

9. Learn the Language You don’t have to be fluent, but even knowing how to order coffee in the local language can build bridges. Plus, you’ll feel like a total badass when you start picking up phrases.

“When I first moved to Japan for work, I was thrilled about the opportunity. But after a few months, the excitement wore off, and I found myself struggling with the language barrier and feeling isolated. I was working long hours to prove myself, barely sleeping, and neglecting my health. It wasn’t until I read about expat burnout that I realized what was happening. I started prioritizing self-care, joined a local expat group, and began Japanese lessons. It made a world of difference. Now, three years in, I feel at home in Tokyo and love my life here. Remember, it’s okay to take it slow and ask for help when you need it.” Sarah M., 34, Software Engineer

Final Thoughts

Relocating to a new country is tough—but it’s also the chance to reinvent yourself in ways you never imagined. Every obstacle you face in a new country teaches you resilience, patience, and flexibility—qualities that not only help you survive but thrive in your new environment. By taking intentional steps to lower your stress levels, and build strong support networks, you can avoid burnout and turn what might now feel overwhelming into an empowering adventure. Thriving as an expat isn’t so much about avoiding difficulties; it’s about learning to handle them with determination and optimism. With the right mindset and strategies, you can create a meaningful, fulfilling, and balanced life abroad.

If you start to feel a little lost along the way, my Figthing Fit and Back from Burnout during a Life Transition course might just be the compass you need to navigate your new adventure. It will equip you with practical tools to prevent burnout by building emotional stability and adaptability. In this course, I share the strategies I used to cope each time I moved to a new country. You’ll discover how to reframe challenges as opportunities for personal growth, helping you maintain a positive outlook even in difficult times. You’ll find out how to create a balanced lifestyle, making sure you can manage professional demands without sacrificing your well-being. Following this roadmap, you’ll develop the resilience you need to thrive in your new environment, avoiding the pitfalls of burnout.

Find out more

“Moving from Nigeria to Canada for my Ph.D. was exciting, but I wasn’t prepared for the culture shock and academic pressure. I felt like an impostor, constantly comparing myself to my peers and pushing myself to unhealthy limits. The long, dark winters didn’t help either. I was on the verge of quitting when my advisor noticed my struggle and referred me to the university’s international student support services. They connected me with a mentor who had been through similar experiences. Learning to set realistic goals, practicing mindfulness, and building a support network of fellow international students turned things around for me. Now, I’m thriving both academically and personally. Don’t be afraid to reach out for help – there are people and resources available to support you.” Aisha K., 28, Graduate Student

27/09/202427/09/2024

How to Ask For Help during a Life Transition

Learn the key strategies to clearly communicate your needs and build a stronger, more supportive network during life’s most challenging transitions.

Sick of your job? Tired of your relationship? Sick and tired of life in general feeling like a never-ending rerun? You’re certainly not the only one—but it does sometimes feel that way, doesn’t it? I should know, been there, many times. The good news is that you’ve got a secret weapon. It’s called your reliable support system—whether it’s your bestie, your mom, your friends, your family, your mentor, your counsellor, or even that one colleague who actually gets you. The problem? Finding the courage to ask and then communicating what you need in such a way that they understand what you are talking about – without sounding like a broken record. In this post, I’ll break down how to turn your venting sessions into game-changing conversations that don’t just help you air your frustrations—your unfailing support system will kickstart real change and help you build some rock-solid emotional resilience.

Time to stop simmering in silence and start talking like your future depends on it. (Because, spoiler: it does.)

1. Understand Your Own Needs First

Before reaching out to your support system, it’s important to get clear on what exactly you need. Take time to reflect on your frustrations. Are you seeking advice, emotional support, or practical help? Understanding whether you’re dealing with burnout, dissatisfaction, or confusion will help you pinpoint the support you need.

For instance, if you’re feeling overwhelmed at work, you might need someone to help you set boundaries or manage your workload. (see Achor, S., & Gielan, M. (2018). “To Be Happier at Work, Invest More in Your Relationships.” Harvard Business Review) If you’re in a relationship that feels unfulfilling, perhaps you need guidance on how to express your feelings or navigate a difficult conversation.

I discuss these issues in my ‘Building Resilience – a Roadmap from Burnout to Breakthrough during a Life Transition’ course. Identifying and naming your needs is the first critical step toward finding the right solutions. When Sally started my ‘Building Resilience’ course she had hit a personal breaking point. She had been suppressing her stress for so long that she didn’t even know where to start when it came to asking for help. Working through the course, and during our coaching sessions, she learned not only how to identify her needs but also how to communicate those needs effectively to her partner and friends. In doing so, she became able to set healthier boundaries, recover from burnout, and restore balance to her life.

2. Find the Courage to Ask for Help

One of the biggest hurdles in communicating your needs is often finding the courage to ask for help in the first place. Many people feel like they should be able to handle everything on their own, fearing that asking for support makes them appear weak or dependent. However, seeking help is actually a sign of strength—it shows that you’re self-aware enough to recognise your limits and value your well-being.

Start by challenging the belief that you need to “go it alone.” Remind yourself that everyone needs support at some point in their life, and that the people in your support system likely want to be there for you. (see Radin, A. (2017). “Why Asking for Help Is Hard to Do.” Psychology Today.) Practice self-compassion by accepting that it’s okay to not have all the answers. The courage to ask for help can open the door to deeper connections and create space for real growth.,

One of the most transformative experiences for a guest on one of my retreats involved working with my horses to develop assertiveness and clear communication. Horses are incredibly intuitive animals, responding not to what we say, but to how we present ourselves energetically and emotionally. During a mindfulness session, our guest Sandra learned that her horse would only respond positively when she approached with clarity and confidence. By practising setting boundaries with the horse she became more aware of her own ability to communicate without hesitation. This newfound assertiveness translated into her personal life, where she gained the courage to ask for help from her support system and clearly express her needs.

3. Choose the Right Time and Setting

Timing and environment can greatly influence how your message is received. Make sure to communicate in a setting that feels safe, comfortable, and free of distractions. If you bring up a deeply personal issue during a hectic moment, even the most supportive person might not be able to offer the attention you need.

Consider having an intentional sit-down or scheduling a time that works for both of you. Be mindful of when they are most likely to be receptive. For example, approaching someone when they’re already stressed or distracted may result in a missed opportunity for meaningful support.

4. Use ‘I’ Statements to Express Yourself Clearly

When it comes to sensitive subjects, using “I” statements helps avoid making the other person feel defensive. Instead of saying, “You never listen to me” or “You don’t understand my situation,” try something like, “I feel unheard and would appreciate more support.” This shifts the focus to your feelings and your needs, which is much easier for the other person to respond to constructively.

“I” statements make it clear that you’re expressing your personal experience rather than blaming the other person for how you feel.

5. Be Specific About What You Need

It’s not enough to say, “I’m struggling” or “I need help.” The more specific you are, the easier it is for someone to understand how to support you. If you need time to vent, say so. If you need someone to help you brainstorm next steps for a career change, ask for that. Clarity can help prevent misunderstandings or frustration on both sides.

For example, you might say, “I’ve been feeling really drained from work lately, and I need help figuring out how to set better boundaries with my boss.” Or, “I’ve been struggling emotionally since my recent breakup, and I would love it if you could just check in with me once a week.”

Pay attention to your body language and tone of voice. Maintain comfortable eye contact, lean towards the other person, and use an open, non-defensive posture to show interest and engagement.

After expressing your needs, ask for feedback to ensure the other person has understood correctly. This can help prevent misunderstandings and allow for clarification if needed.

6. Acknowledge Their Limits

Even the most well-intentioned people in your support system have limits. Sometimes, they may not be able to offer the level of support you need due to their own emotional or logistical limitations. It’s important to acknowledge this and not take it personally. Instead, focus on the support they can offer and consider finding additional resources if needed, such as a counsellor or coach.

7. Offer Support in Return

Support is a two-way street. Make sure to ask your support system how they’re doing and what they might need from you. This creates a balanced dynamic, where both parties feel heard and valued. While expressing your needs, also be prepared to listen actively to the other person’s response. This shows respect and helps build mutual understanding. When you offer genuine support in return, you strengthen your relationships and ensure that they’ll be there when you need them most.

8. Follow Up and Express Gratitude

After you’ve communicated your needs and received support, it’s important to follow up. Let your support system know how their help impacted you, and thank them for their time and energy. Expressing gratitude strengthens relationships and reinforces the positive dynamics of your support network.

“Everyone enjoys being acknowledged and appreciated. Sometimes even the simplest act of gratitude can change someone’s entire day. Take the time to recognize and value the people around you and appreciate those who make a difference in your lives.”
― Roy T. Bennett in The Light in the Heart

For example, if a friend gave you advice that helped you navigate a tough decision at work, send them a quick message of thanks. Small gestures like this make your support system feel appreciated and more willing to help in the future.

Final Thoughts: Just Ask

Remember that no one can read your mind. If you’re feeling discontented or overwhelmed in any aspect of your life don’t wait until you reach a breaking point. Proactively communicate your needs to your support system. Being clear, direct, and specific will ensure that the people around you understand how best to help you. And in turn, they’ll appreciate your honesty and openness.